Peace On Earth?

WORDS ASHLEY HAYS, ILLUSTRATION MARY DUNN

THE HUSTLE AND BUSTLE OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON CAN BE PRETTY OVERWHELMING— there’s the cooking, the cleaning, the shopping, the entertaining and the wrapping, all on top of attempting to run a (somewhat) functional household. Add the tension that can come from being around certain family members, and the “most wonderful time of the year” can quickly become The Nightmare Before Christmas.

“I started planning for Christmas in September,” laughs Tarrant County mom Callie Miller as her three kids squeal happily in the background. “I have four different notebooks and calendars to keep everyone on track.”

While planning ahead is a good way to start, sometimes holiday family dynamics test the limits of our preparation. Here’s how to juggle a multitude of responsibilities—and personalities—without turning into a total Grinch. →

Licensed professional counselor Brittany Stilwell of Prism Therapy Associates in Dallas believes that a big culprit of stress is this commercialized idea of what our family is supposed to look like.

“We have these huge ideas of what the holidays should be and how we want our family to be,” she says. “But, at the end of the day, you’ve still got goofy cousin Eddie who doesn’t understand social cues. You can’t expect your family members to behave any differently than they normally do. It’s exhausting trying to change and control that.”

Keeping realistic expectations—rather than comparing your family to a Hallmark movie—can help youavoid unnecessary emotional distress and conflict.

Family gatherings bring a lot to the table. Our favorites are the love, the laughs and the memories, but sometimes long-term grudges and differing political views can pull up a seat as well. Stilwell stresses that it’s important to know how to handle these situations and when to just excuse yourself.

“There are different kinds of boundaries,” she says. “Some people you only need a picket fence, but others you need a prison wall.” If a subject comes up that you’re uncomfortable with, let your family know that disrespecting boundaries comes with consequences.

“Saying ‘I’m not going to have this conversation with you, and if you continue I will leave the room’ tells them that you have set your boundary, and leaving the room is the consequence of crossing that,” Stilwell says. “Just because you’re capable of putting up with something doesn’t mean that it’s healthy to do so.”

A Fort Worth mom of four, who asked to go by “J” for anonymity, says she’s learned that you can set boundaries for yourself, but you can’t expect everyone to respect them.

“My mother-in-law and I don’t exactly see eye to eye,” J reveals. “I’ve put up my own boundaries on what I will and will not tolerate, but I can’t get her to do the same.” Her advice to mothers is to try not to take anything personally.

“You may want to address it, but sometimes that only adds to the conflict instead of diffusing it,” explains J. When she senses a disagreement arising, she steps outside for a breather. “Try to think of something about the holidays that makes you happy while you’re outside alone,” she suggests. “That way when you come back inside, you’re better mentally equipped to handle snide remarks or what you perceive as sugar-coated insults.”

It’s not a recent revelation that good communication can help with relational conflict. Stilwell stresses this to her clients, adding that poor communication from the receiving end of your message isn’t your burden to bear.

J has experienced this with her exhusband, the father of her firstborn. “Keepingthe peace with her dad during the holiday season was somewhat difficult because it all depended on his mood,” she says. To keep conflict at bay, communicating well with each other was a must. “I tried to only plan events with her when it was my weekend so I wouldn’t be impeding on his time, and if it was just unavoidable, he knew way in advance,” she says.

Sometimes the right environment needs to be fostered to keep the peace.

“I always try to have an activity for the kids to do to keep them distracted for a while and give the parents a little bit of a break,” Miller says. “Last year I set up a cookie station for Christmas and let them decorate their own.” Giving the littles something to keep them occupied while you connect with relatives alleviates some of the chaos that might otherwise put you on edge.

Stilwell says that managing family during the holidays ultimately comes down to respecting your limits. “I have so many parents come to me asking, ‘How do I do it all?’” she says. “My answer is, ‘You don’t have to.’”