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Twitter Slowly Killing Off Students By CHARLIE VANCINI, Resident Expert This week three more Stanton College Preparatory School students were pronounced dead by JSO officials after reading funny tweets on Twitter, the online social media site. While Twitter has been popular with students for nearly two years now nobody is sure why it is suddenly causing deaths among the student body. The first documented case occurred last week when Stanton senior Antonietta Walker tweeted an awkward middle school “throwback Thursday” photograph to which Stanton senior Jacy Reed replied “dead.” Reed was pronounced dead shortly afterward but the cause of the death is yet to be determined. Mayo Clinic expert Dr. Philip Johnson performed the official biopsy but had could offer little insight as to why Reed died. “She seemed to be in perfect health,” said Johnson. “It’s like she was perfectly fine, saw the tweet, replied dead, and then died.” Reed was not alone in this recent outbreak, more than eight students have self-reported their own deaths over Twitter imme-
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diately before dying in the past week alone. The only link in each of the cases is that shortly before their deaths the victims were heard saying, “I can’t even right now!” Of these eight cases, two of the deathbed tweets were sent responding to the tweets of Stanton senior Angela Udongwo. Udongwo’s tweets are considered to be “quite funny” and “moderately enjoyable” according to several seniors who wished to remain anonymous. Udongwo was taken in for questioning yesterday about possible foul play in the deaths. When asked if she had any hand in her peers’ untimely ends Udongwo said
“no, they’re not literally dead you idiots I was never arrested.” Both scientists and Twitter experts alike are stunned and have yet to produce an explanation for this phenomenon. Dr. Johnson and his team are yet to have any luck with producing any answers; however, several Twitter stars have offered their professional opinions. Dory, the Common White Girl, and Ya Boy Bill Nye all believe the victims quote, “died of laughter” and then further elaborated, “these things happen when you’re freakin hilarious, and we offer the Stanton community our deepest condolences.” All three are currently being investigated for the deaths of thousands. They each receive hundreds of “dead” tweets every day. While there are still many questions surrounding these cases, President Obama has assured us in a written statement that this is not a matter of national security and then left the winky face emoji which certainly leaves many citizens with at least a shred of doubt going forward.