A Bar Mitzvah Like No Other

JEWSIN THED

PHOTO BY BINYAMIN WEITZ

SHELLI LIEBMAN DORFMAN CONTRIBUTING WRITER

This summer, after a literal lifetime of As our kids worked with persistently anticipation and a year of near-contin- changing guidelines, our plans also flucual planning, my husband, Michael, tuated. Assessing it would be unsafe to and I shared in the excitement and pride as fly since masks were not yet mandatory our grandson Zevi became a bar mitzvah. on planes, we would instead travel by Only downside was, due to COVID-19 travel car, making an overnight stop along the Zevi with his dad, Avi, the and health concerns, the small group that sur- way. Thursday before his Shabbat rounded him that day did not include us. At that point, we canceled the post- bar mitzvah service.

Like many, our family has been though the bar-mitzvah-week trip to the Jersey gamut of frustration, anxiety and personal Shore with our children and grandchil- The four-generation gathering — includsadness during the pandemic. The bar mitz- dren, initially envisioned as a continuation of ing Zevi’s other grandparents, Dr. David and vah was supposed to be the bright star in an the celebration. Marci Beneson of Southfield, and dozens of erratic, arduous and baffling time. Even as Zevi’s synagogue service and kid- others from the Detroit area — assembled

Though Zevi and his family — includ- dush for 300-400 guests became a plan for for the traditional bar mitzvah party agenda: ing our daughter and son-in-law Stephanie an outdoor minyan, and the catered meals pandemic-style. and Avi Beneson and Zevi’s siblings Rachel, turned into decorative, individually wrapped In a grid-pattern of faces, participants 11, Akiva, 9, and Elisheva, 5 — live more packages, we still thought we’d be there. shared the screen to view a short music video, than 600 miles away in New Jersey, we were Mall and specialty store shopping became listen to Zevi’s inspirational d’var Torah and there the day each of the children was born. online suit, dress and shoe purchases, each celebrate with speeches and toasts. We never imagined being home in West accompanied by a specially ordered coordi- That week, I checked the gas and oil in my Bloomfield when Zevi was called to the Torah nating mask. car in anticipation of our trip, which was to in, of all places, a grassy area between a swing be the first time we would see our kids since set and a vegetable garden in our kids’ neigh- SO MANY CELEBRATIONS Thanksgiving! And we were also tested for bor’s backyard in the Garden State. By June, the guest list and search for the per- COVID antibodies, thinking a possible expo-

In March, with the onset of lockdowns and fect invitation turned to email addresses and sure might have given us a way to feel more prohibitions, nearly every single supposedly a Zoom link for online festivities to take place comfortable about traveling, and were disapset-in-stone entry that had been checked off the Sunday before the Shabbat service. pointed with negative results. the extensive bar mitzvah list was in need of a That afternoon, we logged on with more Two days after “Zevi’s Zoom” was his major overhaul. than 100 friends and family from three coun- Hebrew birthday, the official date on which he

The only thing that would remain just as tries and seven American states, including became a bar mitzvah. That morning, he was planned was the date. Zevi would become those who disappointingly canceled travel called to the Torah for his first-ever aliyah, in a bar mitzvah on his Hebrew birthday and plans, but with the perk of the presence of a congregation of classmates in his teacher’s would read the Torah portion he had been some who all along knew they would have backyard. learning since last summer. been unable to be there. The afternoon was highlighted by a drive-

by horn-honking, mazel-tov chanting, balloon-filled celebration with music, individual-family dancing and party favors for New Jersey friends who arrived in front of Zevi’s home in timeslots dictated alphabetically.

On Wednesday, when my temporarily “lost in transit” fancy, lace face mask was delivered, I was relieved it had arrived in time to be packed with its matching outfit.

But stories of rest stops and hotels in states along the way without enforced mask and social distancing guidelines mounted our concerns. We hadn’t even been inside a store or within 6 feet of our Michigan children or my nearby parents in almost four months. How could we take a chance on travel, being with strangers and possible crowds?

So, Thursday evening, we were still at home when we received a video of Zevi taken that morning at one of the many daily pop-up minyans that appeared in our kids’ neighborhood when small outdoor gatherings became permissible. We listened and watched as he read Torah for the first time, dressed in his COVID uniform of sweats, a T-shirt and blue Crocs but with the addition of his set of brandnew leather tefillin.

Stephanie and Avi Beneson with children, Akiva, Zevi, Rachel and Elisheva.

As Shabbat got closer, Zevi was stoic and understanding of the necessary changes where the next day’s service and kiddush and omissions in his celebration, and truly would be held. Later they shared Shabbat dinexcited to be commemorating this milestone ner in our daughter and son-in-law’s home, with friends. But there was still a sadness after which the Michigan guests socially disin knowing that none of the family — all of tanced themselves to basement bedrooms. whom live in other cities — would be able to Early Saturday morning, under a series of travel. tent-like blue canopies, face-masked, local

So, when our other daughter and her friends — along with Aunt Kim and cousins, four children arrived in a squealing surprise 16-year-old Shira, 14-year-old Ari, 11-yearThursday night, following a 10-hour, prac- old Jake and 8-year-old Eitan from Michigan tically nonstop drive from West Bloomfield, — came to hear Zevi as he read the entire the weekend had new life and was off to a weekly Torah portion. giggling, family-filled, staggeringly loud bang. In a modification of traditional aliyahs,

Watching the iPhone-recorded reunion, those called upon accepted the honor from a knowing how much fun they were having distance, with only Zevi touching the Torah, together and what it meant to our New Jersey on loan from a nearby synagogue. kids gave us incredible solace. The small congregation scattered through-

Friday they all joined for self-described out two adjoining yards behind the homes of hysterical laughter and family photos, taken our children’s gracious neighbors. in a secluded section of a massive, forest-like The peaceful summer morning’s park, with proofs immediately air-dropped to unstreamed Orthodox service was highlightus. The two families then decorated the yards ed by the conflicting ambience of a young man’s Torah reading and the sounds of a light rain, a lawn mower, a helicopter and a car alarm. During the lay-led service, perched on a chair to allow for a better view, Zevi’s mom looked at her sister, laughed and said, “Yep, this is what I pictured today would be like 13 years ago.” Following the Torah reading, Zevi fielded the tossed, small, decorative tulle bags I stuffed with soft candy and placed in Kim’s trunk for the occaPHOTO BY ESTYBPHOTOGRAPHY sion, as my small, personal inclusion in the day. A post-service celebration then took place in a shaded area of our children’s yard, in shifts, based on varied invitation times, with guests enjoying individually plated foods, each packaged with their own mini plasticware. Just like the days following a traditional bar mitzvah celebration, ours are filled with memories, stories, videos, photos and sweet party favors. They bring way more tears of happiness than those of sadness and feelings of what we missed. Being embraced in the planning and its various revisions kept us engaged in the treasured time throughout the recent, sometimes anxious months. Along the way, nothing was “normal.” The unexpected was expected, but the traditional elements ensued in ways that were modified for the times and created unequivocally for Zevi. His party may have been on the sidewalk and street in front of his house and his out-of-town family may have cheered him on from tiny computer squares. His blue suit and complementing textured tie may have come in the mail and his bar mitzvah haircut may have taken place in his backyard. But, for this insightful, sensitive, NASCAR-, football- and baseball-obsessed, LEGO- and drawing-enthusiast, it will all go down in the books as the unforgettable, bright star we wished for.

We may not have celebrated with Zevi in person, but that doesn’t lessen the excitement and pride we felt for him. And instead of focusing on the fact that we were not with him, we like to think maybe we were just the most distant of his socially distanced bar mitzvah guests and that somewhere between the virtual and the vicarious, and in our hearts, we actually were.