In This World, You Have Wings

WRITING BY ALLY GUO DESIGN BY AUD MA

Toua had sent out three origami birds before they’d left. Only two bird-letters had been clutched in his hand when they’d boarded the train. He had hoped Yuwono wouldn’t be too angry when he showed up uninvited. Now, sitting on the train as his hometown appeared on the horizon, he wished he’d waited longer for a third response.

A pained whimper from Boonie pulled him from the cesspool of his own anxiety. His partner’s head rested upon his shoulder, and Toua brought a cold hand up to Boonie’s feverish forehead. His eyes were squeezed shut, mouth opening and closing in panicked little puffs as some nightmarish film played out in his sleep.

“Boonie,” he whispered, brushing aside his sweaty bangs. “We’re almost here. Please, wake up.”

Boonie stirred, drooping eyelids slowly fluttering awake. “Toua?”

“I’m here.” He squeezed his hand. “Are you feeling alright?”

“Mm… It’s…” With effort, he pulled himself upright. “Traveling is always weird. The visions… They come in flashes. Like blurry reels from multiple people instead of a solid picture of any single death.” He shivered. “I don’t know which one I hate more.”

Toua wrapped him in a hug. “I’m sorry.” Like after every night, every nap, he wished there was more he could do.

“I’ll be okay.” Boonie gave him a weak smile, curtained behind dark hair. “No point in getting down when I’m finally visiting your hometown.” His expression softened as he regarded Toua. “I know you didn’t want to make this trip, but let’s try to think of things that make you happy, okay? Visit some happy memories? You haven’t been home in years.”

A strange, bitter hand plucked at the strings of Toua’s heart. He choked down the discordant melodies. “Yeah— I’ll try. I don’t want to ruin the trip for you.”

“You couldn’t even if you wanted to.” Boonie bumped his shoulder gently. “But that scary friend of yours might. We’re meeting her first, right? We don’t have to go if you’re not ready yet.”

Toua rolled his eyes. “She’s not scary.” She just doesn’t like when people break their promises. “But I need to see her again.” He took a deep breath. “She’s important to me, and I need to start acting like it.”

There was concern in Boonie’s brown eyes, but all he said was, “Okay. I promise I’ll be here with you the whole way.”

Promises, huh? Toua squeezed their still-linked hands. They were so easy to keep when they didn’t matter. And when they did…

It’d been years, but he could still feel the blood on his hands as Boonie’s fingers squeezed back, just as firm as Zunaira’s had been as a child.

“You’re not supposed to be the dumb one, Zunaira. That’s Yuwono’s job.” The annoyance in Toua’s tone barely hid the fear burning inside him.

Zunaira didn’t look down from where she’d scurried up the tree. “Don’t worry, I do this all the time.”

But Toua couldn’t help but worry, even if it didn’t show on his face. As Zunaira climbed dizzyingly high, his heart stuttered each time she hauled herself onto another shuddering branch.

(“It’s too dangerous to get close,” she’d said as they’d trudged up the hill. “I need to get a better vantage point instead. Who knows when another flock of dragons will pass through?”)

Stupid. Stupid. He was surrounded by stupid people. Still, he couldn’t ignore the twinge of excitement when she finally reached the top. “Do you see anything?”

“Yeah!” He could imagine the grin on her face, cheeks pulled wide. “There’s so many of them! I need to take notes.”

She reached for the bag at her side. He watched the top of the tree sway in the wind.

“Wait, Zunaira—”

He screamed before she did, the sky’s exhale tipping her balance. He barely realized he’d moved to catch her when her body came crashing into his, pummeling them both into the ground.

Ignoring the ringing in his head, he gasped, “Are you okay?”

“Ow…” She rolled off him onto the ground. “I’m okay.”

Toua glared at her, taking in the cuts on her body and the bruises that were already beginning to form. “No way.”

Zunaira had always been too stubborn to beg, but this time, Toua thought she came pretty close. “I’m okay, alright? Just please don’t tell my parents.”

His jaw dropped. That’s what she’s concerned about? Besides, “Your parents are going to take one look at you and know what happened.”

She groaned, burying her scratched face in her scratched arms. “They’re never going to let me leave the house again.”

Standing up, Toua resisted the urge to stomp his foot. “Fine. Then I won’t tell them.” If he was in a better mood, it would’ve been comical how she immediately perked up. “In that case, I’m probably not okay.”

This time, he stomped his foot. “What do you mean?”

“My ankle hurts.” Wincing, she rearranged her leg, revealing the twisted shape of the joint. Toua’s eyes widened as he took in the bent limb, curled in a way that shouldn’t have been physically possible. “I kind of want to scream.”

Horror flared within him before a flash of hope vanquished it. Toua dropped to a kneel, reaching to grab her leg before he thought better of it. “Wait. Remember how Hli got too close to a wasps’ nest the other day? I tried something that helped with the stings. Do you mind if I…?”

Zunaira let out another groan of pain, throwing an arm over her eyes. “Go ahead.”

Gently, Toua wormed his hand under her ankle, pressing his palm against her torn flesh. “It shouldn’t hurt, but tell me if it does.” Closing his eyes, he braced himself, and then—

Even with his eyes shut, he could see the black flames that erupted from his hand. Feel the burn against his face. It wasn’t a hot fire. In fact, he wondered if it counted as a fire at all. It was a strange feeling. Not being able to understand something that was a part of him.

“Toua, your fire… How?” He could hear Zunaira’s disbelieving gasps. “It’s…”

He clenched his teeth, blocking out the sensations that threatened to swallow him. Just a little more, he told himself. Finally, reeling from the pain that he allowed to overtake him, he pulled away, pressing his face against his sleeve.

Zunaira stared at her leg. “I could feel the bone moving. It was tingling when… I didn’t know your fire could do that!” She looked up, face stitched with awe. “Toua, that was— What happened?”

“It’s alright.” Blood dripped down his face from the deep cracks that had formed in his skin, like red raindrops running down a chipped stained glass window. “I’m alright. This happens every time I use it to heal. I don’t know why.” It never hurts when I use it to burn. He dabbed at a wet cut underneath his nose. Blood continued to spill into his quivering mouth. Zunaira glared at him. “Is that why your nose kept on bleeding last week? Even after Hli’s wasp incident?”

“Maybe.”

The glare sharpened. “Don’t do dangerous things like that!”

“You just fell from a tree! I’m going to tell your parents if you don’t stop doing stupid stuff like that!”

“Oh, yeah?” She huffed a nervous laugh. She didn’t seem able to control it as it soon overtook her entire body. Toua found himself joining in, blood still smeared along the cracks on his face.

He wasn’t sure how long they laughed, but when Zunaira finally caught her breath, she nudged him playfully. “Looks like we both need to do a better job of taking care of ourselves. How about this? You stop doing scary magic things, and I’ll be more careful next time. Promise?” She held out a scratched and scarred hand.

He nudged her back, just as gently, before squeezing her hand with bloody fingers.

“Promise.”

Splinters

Zunaira Mahmood.

Zunaira must’ve carved the plaque herself. The strokes in the engraved metal were clean and precise yet deep enough to reflect the determined strength with which she approached everything she did.

Toua wasn’t sure how long he stared. Finally steeling his nerves, his hand hit the door once—

—and it swung open before his knuckles made contact the second time.

Zunaira regarded him from the other side, an unreadable glint in her dark eyes and the tiniest twist to her lips. Her face looked harder and more calculating. She smiled ruefully. “I was wondering when you’d knock. Nuri smelled you ages ago.” She turned. “Come on in. I’ll get some water.”

Zunaira’s small home was cozy. Tightly packed and tightly organized, each color and item deliberately slotted into place. It was practical, tools and books tucked into shelves and familiar fireproof gloves hung from a hook. A couple of simple, handmade photo frames sat on the table by the sofa. Hesitantly, Toua stepped closer: Zunaira’s parents smiling at each other, her many little siblings playing at the park, Yuwono with whipped cream smeared across a goofy grin, Hli in the night light surrounded by a crowd of adoring fireflies, and… himself.

Before Toua could stop, he’d picked up the frame, staring at himself as a child, crouched barefoot in a shallow stream as he peered at the crayfish in the clear water. Not a speck of dust decorated the glass.

She’d kept a photo of their friends in the center of her home, and he’d buried everything that reminded him of them in the back of his closet. Toua wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or cry. How could he have allowed his pain to grow greater than his love?

He jumped when Zunaira returned from the kitchen with two cups, stepping away from the photos in a hurry.

She studied the two of them mildly. Back straight with muscular arms exposed, she was as intimidating as ever. “Zunaira Mahmood,” she finally said cooly, reaching out a callused hand with a glass of water. Toua noticed a large bandage on her other hand as she set the second glass on a shelf.

Boonie took the cup from her. “Please call me Boonie. Nice to meet you!”

“Likewise.” That rueful smile was back. “Toua talks about you. Quite a lot in the admittedly few letters he sends.”

Boonie’s smile didn’t falter. “I’ve heard a lot about you as well. You and Nuri.”

Zunaira’s expression softened at the name. She looked over her shoulder. “Nuri! You can come over now.”

A screeching scrabbling resonated through the house, like iron nails falling against floorboards. It grew louder until a large scaly head emerged with a hiss.

Boonie gasped while Toua felt a grin spread across his face. “Nuri!” He wanted to hold out his arms for a hug, but what if Nuri was disappointed in him, too? “It’s great to see you.”

No longer the egg Zunaira had found as a child, no longer the juvenile dragon Toua had known, Nuri had grown enormous. Mottled green, orange, and brown keeled scales coated a long serpentine body that slithered strikingly fast. Bat-like wings were tucked close on either side, powerfully vast even while folded. Nuri’s triangular head rose into the air, forked tongue flickering in and out as dilated amber-gold eyes stared directly into him. A beautiful membranous frill fluttered at the sides of its head.

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Terrifying, but all Toua could think about was how proud he was that Nuri no longer knocked things over when it moved. Now, he did spread his arms.

Nuri barreled into him, and he fell backward onto the couch. He waved a reassuring hand when Boonie called his name before stroking the great creature that nuzzled him. “I’ve missed you, too.”

He missed the way the young dragon used to nip at their heels. The way it brushed rough scales against their faces affectionately. He missed a lot of things—all the sights, sensations, and feelings he’d once thought he’d have forever—but that he’d also walked away from.

Zunaira watched the reunion, arms crossed and head tilted to the side. Toua felt his dread slowly trickle back as she continued to stare. “I’m sorry, Nuri. I’d love to play, but there’s something I need to discuss with Zunaira first. Is that alright?”

Nuri let out a petulant hiss but conceded, bumping against him one last time before returning to Zunaira. She stroked its head fondly. “Sorry, Nuri. Could you wait outside for a bit?”

Once it had slithered away, the room descended into an uncomfortable silence. Even Boonie didn’t seem to know what to do, glancing nervously between the two.

Zunaira finally broke the silence. “I’m sorry. This is rude of me. Please, take a seat.” She handed Toua the other glass of water.

He clutched it tightly, the iciness both grounding and burning. “Thanks.”

Zunaira nodded. She didn’t sit even as they did. Briefly, Toua wondered if she was nervous, too. She’d always felt more comfortable standing, supported by her own strength and her own strength alone.

Finally: “How have you been? I haven’t heard from you in a while.” The words sat silently on a plate of empty air, like stale biscuits nobody really wanted to eat but couldn’t bring themselves to throw away.

“We write. Sometimes.” The words felt weak even before he’d said them.

“We do write. Sometimes,” Zunaira conceded, far more kindly than he deserved. “But I want to hear it from you. How have you been?”

“I’ve been—” Good? That… wasn’t it. There’d been many happy moments since he’d left town, but the rhythm of good was a foul sound on his tongue, the consonants and vowels incomplete. But it wasn’t bad, either. It was—

Toua was a coward. “Sorry, I need a moment. Boonie, do you mind…?”

His partner startled, but an easy grin quickly crossed his face. “Sure! Where to even begin?”

Normally, Toua loved to hear Boonie talk, loved the way his voice enveloped him and his words bounced with enthusiasm. But today…

“—always wanted to study—”

“—was so lost after my—”

“—sounds wonderful—”

“—isn’t that right, Toua?… Toua?”

This was Zunaira.

Now Boonie was talking.

Zunaira again… Or was it Boonie?

…Boonie?

“Sorry?” He couldn’t focus on the conversation. Not when his intestines squirmed like snakes. Not when every time Zunaira glanced at him, it was with that same unreadable expression.

She was looking at him again as Boonie smiled encouragingly. “I was just telling Zunaira about how we met. Did you want to…?”

“Right.”

He tried to speak in color, to say anything of worth. But every time, his words sounded like cracked eggshells, all beaten and broken and scattered across cold kitchen tiles. And every time, Boonie—dear, beloved Boonie—glanced at him in worry and hurried the conversation along.

The walls closed in, squeezing him in an unrelenting fist. He didn’t belong in this place, just like he didn’t belong in any of his friends’ lives anymore. Not even that photograph of him deserved to be here.

“Toua?” Boonie’s voice and Zunaira’s sharp gaze. “Toua, are you okay?”

Before he could respond—

“Boonie, I’m sorry. Please forgive me, but I’m about to be very rude to your partner right now.” Zunaira stepped forward, glare more cutting than any dagger. “Why aren’t you saying anything?”

“What?”

“Why aren’t you saying anything?” she snapped. “Why did you even come here if you won’t say anything?” Her voice grew louder. “He’s lovely. I’m glad you guys found each other. I wish I could be happier speaking with him. But I didn’t agree to meet to talk to him. I want to hear from you!”

I didn’t want you to hate me.

“You’re not even here, are you? Just like you were never there in any of those five letters you sent. Did you come just to make yourself feel better? So you can pretend like you still care?”

I do care.

“Because if you do care, why won’t you say anything!”

“I was worried you didn’t care about me anymore.”

“Yeah? Well, maybe I don’t. Because you haven’t given me any reason to in a long time.” Silence. There were rattling breaths in the air, but Toua couldn’t tell who they were coming from.

I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to cry.

Boonie’s hand squeezed his.

I’mnotgoingtocry. I’mnotgoingtocry. Idon’tdeservetocry. Zunaira doesn’t deserve to feel even worse. I’mnotgoingtocry.

Her voice finally broke, anger slipping away like tiny streams after a storm. “You promised we’d keep in touch. And I can believe you tried, but that doesn’t change the fact that it never happened.” She closed her eyes. “Come on. I’ve said my piece. It’s your turn now.”

“I’m sorry,” he finally choked out the disappointing words. Tears prickled in his eyes. “It’s no excuse, but I was so overwhelmed. I couldn’t stay here. It hurt so much to remember. And… you guys always made me remember.” letters that first year, and you responded to one.”

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Zunaira rubbed her face. “I know things were hard for you after what happened with Hli. But it was hard for all of us. It wasn’t fair for you to run away, too. I wrote you so many letters that first year, and you responded to one.”

“I’m sorry.” It was the only thing he could say. The only thing that felt real in the moment. “I’m sorry I didn’t respond more often. I’m sorry I never came to visit. I’m sorry I’m such a bad friend. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

I’m sorry I want something so badly it’s easier to pretend Hli and you and Yuwono never existed in the first place.

She closed her eyes again. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. You deserved it, but I’m sorry anyways.” She looked at him directly. “I lied. I do care. But I guess I was scared you didn’t anymore. Because why else would you just disappear like that?”

Toua’s eyes widened as he heard Boonie suck in a breath. “That would never happen. You’ve always been one of the best parts of my life.”

“Yeah, well, we’re not mind readers. So maybe you should do more than just think about it.” She sniffed. “But I appreciate the sentiment, so I’ll consider forgiving you.”

He wished he had words for how grateful he was.

She gave him a tentative smile. “I didn’t know what to expect when you asked to meet. This is the first time you’ve reached out, you know? But I’m glad I got to see you again.”

He returned the shaky smile. “I’ll try my best to visit more. It probably won’t be the same as before, but I’ll be better. I pro—”

“—Toua.” Zunaira looked down, a strange twist to her mouth. “I didn’t want to say this earlier, but… I’m leaving. That’s part of the reason why I agreed to this reunion.”

“What?” Boonie’s hand in his was the only thing that kept him grounded.

“You saw Nuri. It’s gotten so big. I don’t want to keep it trapped here anymore. I don’t want to be trapped here anymore. We’ve decided. I’m selling the house, and we’re going for the mountains. You know me, Toua. You know I’ve always wanted to see the world.” She looked back up. “I was going to say goodbye to Hli and Yuwono, and then I was going to go. I’d given up on seeing you again.”

It was easy to feel happy for her, just as exciting as when they were children and she’d appeared at his doorstep with a gigantic egg. But still: “This isn’t the end, is it?”

She seemed exhausted. “You know the answer to that.”

“I don’t want this to be the end.”

“Then don’t let it be.”

Zunaira stared him straight in the eye with familiar steely determination. “Don’t let it be the end with the others, either. Your family. Yuwono. Hli. They miss you, too.”

“I won’t,” he said. “I promise.”

She nodded, and then her shoulders slumped as she finally allowed herself to lean against the bookshelf. “I’m not going to be able to hold it together for much longer. I think you should leave for today. But come back later… if you want. We have a lot to talk about.”

“Of course. Thanks for allowing me to visit again.” He nodded at Boonie, and they were halfway to the door when Toua turned. “Wait, before I go, let me heal that for you.” He gestured toward her bandaged hand.

She eyed him with concern. “Won’t it hurt you? I don’t want—”

“Please, let me do this for you.”

Hesitantly, she held out her arm. He grasped the injury, and they both closed their eyes. The familiar burn returned, glowing against their faces, and this time, when it ended—

“You’re not bleeding,” Zunaira said.

Toua stiffened, remembering the first time he’d healed her. If he hadn’t forgotten, there was no way she had. “I met some people. They helped me learn how to control it.”

A smile appeared—one that illuminated her features and made her look like a child again. “I’m glad. You might’ve broken that promise, but at least it doesn’t hurt anymore. I think I can forgive you for that.”

It wasn’t until after the door clicked shut between them that Toua finally cried, collapsing into Boonie’s arms and sobbing for the first time since he’d left town all those years ago.