2/8/2016 Valentine's Issue

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2016 Valentine’s Issue

CAROLYN DUFF | THE DEPAULIA

2 | Valentine’s Day Guide. Feb. 8, 2016.

THIS MODERN LOVE Love in the modern age is hard. A simple love poem won’t cut it anymore. Spice things by translating these classic love poems into an emoji poem. (And yes, Seal’s “Kiss From a Rose” is the ultimate love poem)

“Roses are Red” Roses are red, violets are blue, The center of my world begins and ends with you

page “How do I love thee”

7

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of being and ideal grace.

I love thee to the level of every day’s Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for right.

I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.

“Kiss from a Rose” Baby I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray Ooh The more I get of you The stranger it feels, yeah And now that your rose is in bloom A light hits the gloom on the gray

MATTHEW PARAS | THE DEPAULIA

Valentine’s Day Guide. Feb. 8, 2016.| 3

BABY, DON’T

HURT ME

What love really is, and other relationship advice from experts

By Megan Deppen & Kirsten Onsgard Print Managing Editor & Digital Manaing Editor

What is love?

Kendra Knight: There are people who talk about love styles – pragmatic lovers, manic lovers. I think of love from a triangular perspective. There’s the hot feelings of passion, the warm feelings of affection and those deep feelings of commitment.

Eric Selinger: There are two long traditions in literature about what love is.

One has to do with love as a way that I feel about somebody else. It’s about what goes on inside my head.

The other tradition thinks about love as the way people treat one another. It has to do with a mixture of affection, respect, intimacy and care. The question is: can you love somebody that you haven’t met or haven’t spent a lot of time with? Can you love somebody that doesn’t reciprocate?

Poets will give you a rousing yes to that.

Tim Cole: Not everybody experiences love the same way. There’s romantic, passionate love, which is what we idealize in our culture. That is that head over heels infatuation, obsessional, delusional, needy, it feels fantastic. That’s often referred to as “hot” love. Then there’s “warm” love, which is companion love. It is the love you develop for someone because you truly appreciate them. Then there’s compassionate love which is a true appreciation, a genuine concern for the person, but it’s also a concern for taking care of them and making sure their needs are met.

Karen Larimer: In partnership and in relationships, love can help people live longer. People tend to be healthier when they’re in a supportive relationships.

Whether that’s love or a friend or family member, we know they’d be better than people living by themselves or who are divorced. We think that’s because of the social support the other person provides.

What is infatuation?

Selinger: It’s a term that mostly signifies a warning. Don’t assume that what you’re feeling now is this thing called love that poets write about, novelists write about.

Enjoy it for what it is, but don’t be fooled into thinking it’s something that it isn’t.

Cole: Infatuation is being obsessive and idealizing someone without really getting

Karen Larimer Nursing professor

Eric Selinger English and literature professor

friend. This is someone whose company I truly, deeply enjoy. If I had to pick someone to spend the day with, it would be my spouse. We know our relationship isn’t perfect, we know each other isn’t perfect, there are all sorts of problems, but when problems emerge in our relationship we don’t take it personally.’

Why do people cheat?

Tim Cole Communication professor

Kendra Knight Communication professor

to know them at all. This infatuation, this puppy love, you can also call it unrequited love. It’s like ‘I love you so much I really don’t know you. I idealize you, I worship you.’

Larimer: What happens is we take that information into our senses and it triggers something in our brain that tells us we’re attracted to that person. That releases dopamine and other hormones and that causes our heart rate to go up a little bit, causes our blood vessels to dilate. So that’s why we might blush or get a fluttery heart.

Cole: Typically what happens is that it starts with a lust attraction. You find someone physically attractive and there’s a lot of cues we use to determine who we’re attracted to. All those positive and intense feelings through sexual behavior, it just makes you needy, estatic, it’s one of the best feelings in the world.

But one of the key things about love is that it doesn’t last. Love is a very powerful emotion, but it has a lot of ploys it uses. It’s really designed to get people together and change how you live your life.

Why do people fall in love?

What makes for a successful relationship?

Larimer: Nobody really knows the answer to that. Initially, it’s the dopamine that is actually released that makes us feel good about that person. Dopamine is the same chemical we get when we exercise a lot, when we do cocaine, when we’re feeling happy. I don’t know why one person would cause me to release dopamine versus another person. It’s all in our personal taste and our personal feelings toward one another.

Knight: There’s a lot that’s hormonal and pheromonal, our bodies perceiving that this person is someone we might have a good immuno-compatibility with, if you believe in pheromones. My philosophical view is that when I experience falling in love, I experience it as a blowing up of opportunity. I’ve heard someone say that we get crushes because they remind us of our potential best selves. I think that’s what falling in love has felt like to me: a blowing up of what’s possible in the world.

Knight: It’s so boring, but so hard to put into practice: putting the relationship over your individual needs — if you want the relationship to be long-term. If you’ve chosen someone, and you want to commit to them, you’re committing to the relationship.

Selinger: I don’t think there’s a whole lot of mystery to this. Affection, caring, treating the other person well, friendship, decency, kindness. None of these are very surprising. I don’t think it’s true, as Tolstoy said, that every happy marriage is the same. I think that couples and other arrangements find their way to negotiate the claims of individuality and intimacy.

Not every happy couple comes from the same ratio or balance.

Cole: A successful relationship is when two people have companion love. That romantic love fades and passionate love fades, and they’re like, ‘ah, I married my best

Cole: If opportunities arise for you to have a child with someone else, behind your partner’s back, that would be sometimes in your best interest, your advantage, because again you get to have extra offspring. We want monogamy, we want our partners to be monogamous, but then we have feelings for other people. You just have to look no further than a multi-billion dollar porn industry, why?

Larimer: That initial feeling people get around people we have a crush on — that dopamine surge — is very powerful. That’s why people become addicted to drugs, running or overeating. It’s so powerful, in fact, it can be a part of people having poor judgement or making mistakes.

Knight: I recently read about someone who was giving advice to a man who was interested in contacting a former flame.

Based on what he said about his relationship, it was not a good time to contact his former flame. She said, ‘think of it like starting a fire in a dry year.’ In a wet year, when the fire risk is low, you can pursue these things.

But if your own relationship is in a ‘dry year,’ that’s not a good time to go lighting sparks in different ways.

Is there any validity to horoscopes?

Cole: There is no legitimacy whatsoever.

We have huge decades and decades of research on how relationships work, and we have decades and decades of research on individual differences. That explains so much of what goes on in a relationship.

There’s no empirical support for zodiac signs.

Knight: I don’t put a lot of stock into it. But plenty of people do, and it gives them the confidence to believe this Leo or this Scorpio is the one for them. I think self-reflection and introspection is good.

If people look at horoscopes and it brings about something that rings true, any chance for identification or openness about the self is probably good.

4 | Valentine’s Day Guide. Feb. 8, 2016.

KIRSTEN ONSGARD | THE DEPAULIA

Elena Boeck Brian Boeck

History of art and architecture professor, History professor

ON CA

DePaul plays an in love stories of th

Alex Godinez Jordan Bazemore

Photo courtesy of JORDAN BAZEMORE

How did you meet?

Brian: I was studying Russian at the University of Texas at Arlington. And I saw a sign that said, ‘come speak Russian and eat free donuts.’ And to this day, I maintain that I went to that meeting to speak Russian.

Elena: I was an exchange student in Texas. So it was the Gorbachev-Reagan Building Bridges Program. This was in 1990. We were invited to the University of Texas at Arlington to speak Russian to the students studying Russian. And he was the smartest one in the room, with a little powdered sugar.

What was your first impression of each other?

E: His Russian was impeccable. He was so genuinely curious. He had this magnetic smile.

B: You were beautiful. You had long brown hair. But also, the words you used were so out of the ordinary, kind of like from a Beatles songs. The way she spoke was just so fascinating. You probably never listened to Beatles songs, but you used these expressions like, ‘nothing doing,’ or ‘porridge’ or whatever.

What are your favorite things to do together?

E: We spend as much time as possible together. We travel, we go to the opera – so here, the Lyric Opera. We go to the museum. And we really enjoy long walks.

What is your favorite memory together?

B: I guess our favorite memory is the day we got married because we got married the day the coup against Gorbachev failed in the Soviet Union. There were tanks on the street, soldiers with machine guns. Our wedding was planned for the next day. The news was completely cut off. We didn’t know if we would be able to get married or not, and then we did.

E: That day was almost as if nothing had happened.

Except people on the street were coming up to us and asking for a photograph because they wanted to be photographed with a bride and groom, because ‘this is a return to normalcy.’

B: The morning of the wedding, I’m putting in the (corsage) and I’m watching Gorbachev on TV as he’s just been released from captivity.

E: It was Aug. 22, 1991. Because on the 21st, the coup fell.

Do you have Valentine’s Day plans?

B: As an international couple, we celebrate Valentine’s Day and International Women’s Day. So Valentine’s Day is my holiday, and I’ll probably ask for something involving meat. And her holiday is International Women’s Day in March, and she’ll ask me to do something nice.

What is the recipe for a happy marriage?

B: Never go to bed angry at one another. Whatever you do, don’t let it linger over you at night.

E: Compromise B: Compliment E: Make your husband his favorite cake. Make him feel special.

MATCH MEGAN DEPPEN | THE DEPAULIA

Senior PE major, Junior PRAD and hospitality major

How did you meet?

Bazemore: Long story short, Tinder brought us together. I spotted her on the train and thought she was super cute. It prompted me to download the app and scroll through to see if she was on it... which she was!

I didn’t have the guts swipe right away so I waited two days, when I went back and finally swiped it was a match right away.

What do you like to do together?

B: We are huge movie buffs. I am a Regal Crown member so we are at the movies all the time getting free popcorn and drinks. I’m slightly addicted to the Coke Icee they sell there.

G: We also went through a phase of Geocaching in the summer (which is a real life treasure hunt through an app.)

How are you alike and not alike?

G: Being a college athlete is competition every single day. Games aren’t fun for me unless there is a winner and a loser. I know that sounds awful but it’s really not that bad. However, since I met Jordan, she has been my escape from that. For once I’m learning to do things without needing to win. It’s a wonderful experience. She gives my life some balance and knows how to calm me down.

I am a huge hot head by the way. While she is a patient butterfly.

What was meeting the family like?

B: I met Alex’s family for the first time last fall when they came to watch her soccer game then I spent a week with them in Colorado over spring break! They’re extremely nice and welcoming.

G: I’ve been to Jordan’s home in Philly twice. Her grandmom Marsha is one of my best friends now. And she makes a bomb Thanksgiving dinner.

Kristin Hecker Mike Turel

Senior finance and economics major, Recent DePaul graduate How did you meet?

Hecker: World Cup game in Berlin. We were on a study abroad program a year and a half ago.

Turel:We didn’t talk for 6 months after that. We met at McGees until 4 am.

What were your first impressions of each other?

T: Super shy and very hard to talk to until she had a few drinks.

H: My first impression of him was I think I noticed him before he noticed me I think. He actually came into one of the abroad orientation meetings late. I was like, “oh this guy showing up late in a hoodie and a backwards hat.” Then I got to know him.

Do you have a favorite memory together?

T: Mine’s the first time I met her. That was a crazy night. It’s in Germany where the World Cup is. That’s when they won.

What was the experience of meeting each other’s parents?

H: When did I first meet your parents? Easter. He comes from a huge Polish family. So it was all of them speaking in polish the first time I met them, and I was like, “I have no idea what’s going on.” And he has two older sisters, so that was a little nerve wracking.

T: Both her parents are doctors and I heard that your dad was a little intense, so I was a little nervous meeting them for the first time. Her mom’s a sweetheart though.

H: It’s easier because his parents are here and he’s only met mine once. We’re at his house every week. It’s pretty laid back with his family.

Valentine’s Day Guide. Feb. 8, 2016. The DePaulia | 5 MEGAN DEPPEN | THE DEPAULIA

H MADE

AMPUS

ntegral part in the hese six couples

Tayler Whittler D.J. Vazquez

Photo courtesy of TAYLER WHITTLER

MEGAN DEPPEN | THE DEPAULIA

Senior exercise science major, Senior psychology major

Raeven Laviste Gaspare Campo Marketing major, Finance major

How did you meet?

Campo: We met the very first day of orientation.

From then on we kept talking, by the end of orientation we exchanged phone numbers, took a photo with each other Laviste: Then he never texted me back.

C: I wanted to seem cool by like only texting you a couple times over the summer, which was probably the worst decision I made.

What is a favorite memory you guys have had together?

C: Probably one of my favorites was our first date. It was an accidental first date, the first week of school. Went to the Bourgeois Pig with her friend, and she finished really fast and left. It was kind of the feeling like you couldn’t swim and someone throw you into the deep end.

L: For me, it’s the time at the playground where I told him to meet me by the swings. I just go there to let my thoughts out. And I was still conflicted with, “should I give him a chance? Am I ready to be in another relationship.” But he met up with me, and that was the time that I decided I would give him a chance.

C: For Christmas I took the Amtrak from Detroit to Illinois and I took her to the Signature Room at 95. It was the coolest thing.

What are your plans for valentines day.

C: She’s keeping it a secret from me.

L: We’re going to have a double date with his roommate and his girlfriend. That’s all he knows and he needs to know.

How did you meet?

Whittler: It was after a track meet and we just kind of clicked. We just started hanging out and then we got to know each other a little bit more and then we were like ‘okay, I think we’re ready.’

What were your first impressions of each other?

W: The first thing that came to mind was his ponytail, and he was super quiet, but then when you were around him he just started to make you laugh and he was so funny he would just do like the stupidest things.

Vazquez: Taylor is very quiet, so when I first saw her she was just like a sweet little girl, you know. And then when I started to get to know her, she just got really goofy, crazy goofy.

How was it being teammates and being in a relationship?

W: He’s the first person I dated on the same team where you travel and do everything with that person 24/7.

So I think it was more we’re used to always being around each other, but you always have to separate yourselves from you and him versus you as an athlete. I’m still here running, I’m on a scholarship and I still have to prove myself as that. It was actually fun though because we’re able to connect on that level. It can be hard trying to explain what I go through on a daily basis, I’m gone all times of the day, but he gets that.

V: Yeah it’s just understanding the struggle.

Sometimes people don’t realize how much time a sport does consume, especially at the college level. You’re always gone, you have practice, you have meetings. On top of that, you still have classes or whatever else is going on in your life. With us both being on the team together, it was very easy for us to relate and also our schedules matched up really well.

Honestly it made it a lot better for our relationship because even at practice, we won’t necessarily show that we’re together — at practice, we show how we’re friends and how we initially started as friends and we try not to let our relationship interfere with the chemistry of the team or others.

Tiffany Hung Francis Andoh Senior intercultural communication major, senior health science major

How did you meet?

Andoh: We have two different stories about that. We used to live in the residential area 1237. During moving in day she said she saw me in the hallway so she thought I was fine. I didn’t notice her. Later on I saw her at a party, a friend introduced us.

Hung: My story is, it was move in day I opened my door and I ran into the hallway and I bumped into this guy. It was him. When I bumped into him I thought he was really good looking and I thought he was older. Then the next day we met, and I think from then on we just really enjoyed each other’s company. But we didn’t start dating until March even though we met in August.

How do you think you’re alike and different?

A: I feel like I’m definitely more calm. I don’t take things too seriously. She definitely has a lot of anxiety.

We’re like fire and water in that aspect. I definitely think we have a great sense of humor. We see eye to eye on a lot of stuff, except how much toilet paper I use and eating too many of the chips.

H: I think the biggest thing being together was the fact that obviously I’m Chinese and he’s African. Being in an interracial relationship has taught us so much about each other’s cultures, but also being able to come together and find how similar we are. We were both raised with strict parents and though our cultures are different, they’re similar at the same time. We’re not full American.

Do you have compatible horoscopes?

H: We were just talking about this, I’m a strong believer in horoscopes. I’m a Leo, he’s a Pisces. We are really complete opposites on the horoscope spectrum, but I feel like we play off of each other. I get bad anxiety so he calms me down, or when he needs a boost of energy I’m there for him.

A: I didn’t really believe in horoscopes. Ever since I started dating her I started paying attention and relating to it more.

What do you like to do together?

H: We really enjoy watching basketball together. I actually didn’t know anything about basketball until I met him A: I totally warped you.

H: He educated me. Now I’m a really big fan. We like to do that together. We like to eat together.

A: We like to force each other to try different things.

We come from two separate cultures.

H: I think we like getting into debates because we disagree on a lot of things and can pique each other’s brains.

MEGAN DEPPEN, MARIAH WOELFEL AND KIRSTEN ONSGARD | THE DEPAULIA

6 | Valentine’s Day Guide. Feb. 8, 2016.

TREAT YO’ SELF Make Valentine’s Day the best 3. day of the year for singles

1.

2.

By Kaitlyn Roberts Online Editor

Feb. 14, the most dreaded of Hallmark holidays among college students, otherwise known as Valentine’s Day, is upon us once again. All the candy canes and marshmallow Santas have been replaced with anxiety in the form of heart shaped chocolate, obese teddy bears and allergy sparking flowers. January has ended, and you’re beginning to feel the same panic you felt trying to find a prom date. What will you do without a date, a Valentine, your dignity?

Well, it just so happens a new holiday is about to hit Chi-town, courtesy of Pawnee, Indiana’s very own Tom Haverford and Donna Meagle. For all your Gallentines out there, it’s a day to kick romance to the curb and celebrate yourself (and your friends).

That’s right, DePaul; this Feb. 14, you’re treating yo’ self ­— here’s how to do it right:

The Mantra “Clothes. Treat yo’ self. Mimosas. Treat yo’ self. Spa. Treat yo’ self. It’s the best day of the year.”

Memorize it, chant it together as you dance in your sweatpants to Adele, Beyonce and Taylor Swift all at the same time.

This is a solid opportunity to burn off the waffles you’re about to eat. Today is about you, your friends and kinda your Spotify playlist.

1. Breakfast Food Leslie Knope may be a fictional character from the hit series Parks and Recreation, but the role waffles and other breakfast foods play today is very real. Get your gal or guy pals together for breakfast, brunch or breakfast for dinner. Really, whatever time of day works best for you to stuff your face with waffles is fine by us.

2. Spa Day Take yourself and your loves to one of the salons in Lincoln Park. Get your nails did, a massage, a new do or fiercen up your eyebrow game. Pamper yourself, make Tom and Donna proud.

Blueberry Moon | 2108 N. Halsted St. Massage Envy | 801 W. Diversey Pkwy.

Tres Bien Nails | 922 W Armitage Lincoln Park Massage Spa | 630 W. Webster Ave. Nail Fairy and Spa | 1249 W. Fullerton Ave.

Photo courtesy of INKWINA

Photo courtesy of Lelê Breveglieri

3. Craft Day Break out your crafty pants, chicas (sweatpants are fine). Go to Michael’s — the only man you’re allowed to cheat on your gal pals with — and buy the paper, glitter, and markers you need to half-heartedly attempt the DIY Galentine’s you pinned on Pinterest. Give them to each other and cherish them 5evr.

4. Movie Day If high-class “treat yo self ” doesn’t exactly meet your current budget, don’t fret.

Movie it up. Or, if you’ve seen “The Titanic” and “The Notebook” so many times they don’t make you sob anymore and you fear you’re turning into the Grinch, head to Netflix with this episode master list: “Parks and Recreation: “Galentine’s Day” S2 | Episode 16 The Office: “Valentine’s Day” S2 | Episode 16 Friends: “The One With the Candy Hearts” S1 | Episode 14 “Orange is The New Black:” “You Also Have a Pizza” S2 | Episode 6 “30 Rock:” "St. Valentine's Day" S3 | Episode 11 “New Girl:” “Valentine’s Day” S1 | Episode 13 “Family Guy:” "Valentine's Day in Quahog" S11 | Episode 12 “Gossip Girl:” “Crazy, Cupid, Love" S5| Episode 15 “Bob’s Burgers:” “My Fuzzy Valentine" S3 | Episode 13

5. Baking Day If you’re wondering if waffles are considered “dessert,” you are sorely mistaken. They are a staple of today’s meal plan, but as Leslie can attest, there’s always room for more sugar. Whether your specialty is baking chocolate chip cookies, Funfetti cupcakes or you’re thinking you might just sit this one out since your only edible attribution would be dyeing Ramen pink, there’s always dire need for quality inspection.

In the shocking event these suggestions fail to tickle the fancies of you and your homies, it’s no big deal. The important thing is you get to spend the whole day with your best friends, having a blast without worrying about the pressure of Valentine’s Day to come. Besides, you need time to coordinate who’s driving your posse to Walgreens on Feb. 15 to snag all the discount candy and groan at the over-achieving St. Patrick’s Day and Easter displays.

4.

Photo courtesy of NBC

5.

Hitting

Valentine’s Day Guide. Feb. 8, 2016. | 7

the hot spot

From fun for singles to unique dates, here’s what to do on Valentine’s Day

By Piper Schad

KATIE TAMOSIUNAS | THE DEPAULIA

FRIENDLY FUN Screw Cupid Pub Crawl

Cupid’s Undie Run

Feb. 13 8 to 11 p.m.

Feb. 13 Noon

Its 17th year running, this pub crawl brings singles together for food and drinks at five Lincoln Park bars. Ticket price includes trolley transportation, so the crawling is optional.

Bar crawl for all.

This one-mile , half-naked run in Wrigleyville raises money for The Children’s Tumor Foundation. With a presence in nearly 40 cities, Cupid’ raised over $3.5 million for charity. Strip down to your underwear for a good cause.

Valentine’s Day Brunch at Brookfield Zoo

Naked at the Art Museum Scavenger Hunt

Feb. 14 11 a.m.

Feb. 13 and 14 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

Fun for the whole family; spend your Valentine’s Day with the lions, tigers and bears of Brookfield Zoo. Celebrate this Valentine’s Day with a fancy brunch and exotic animals.

Who doesn’t love a good scavenger hunt, especially when it takes place at a world-class museum? Take a journey of nakedness through the ages at the Art Institute of Chicago. Pair up with your lover or get a squad together to seek out some skin.

LOVE AT FIRST BITE • SANDWICHES • SALADS • SOUPS • • VEGGIE & GLUTEN-FREE OPTIONS • DESSERTS •

Show your DePaul student ID and receive

W. Webster Ave. FREE CHIPS 955Chicago, IL 60614 & A DRINK! 773-697-9297 with purchase of sandwich or salad

Open Daily: 11am-8pm

Dances from the Heart Feb. 13 8 to 10:30 p.m.

This performance includes 13 different dance acts ranging from Mexican folk to hip-hop at the Athenaeum Theater. Who knows, things might get a little saucy on stage.

Culture yourself this Saint Valentine weekend!

Contributing Writer

HOT DATE Couple’s Romantic Dance Class Feb. 13 5 to 7 p.m.

If you’re tired of “Netflix and chill” you may consider rolling out of bed to learn some new ballroom dance moves.

Slow dance the evening away with your significant other at the “May I Have This Dance” studio.

Chocolate and sparkling drinks included afterwards to celebrate your new party trick.

8 | Valentine’s Day Guide. Feb. 8, 2016.

QUIZ: WHICH PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE SHOULD BE YOUR VALENTINE? 1. You have a big date planned tonight. What will you be wearing? a) Your best pantsuit b) Whatever is clean and matches. Maybe you’ll even brush your hair. c)It doesn’t matter. Nobody can compete with your look.

Don’t even bother, world. d) Your best heels. e) Your older sibling’s hand-me-downs 2. What’s your ideal Valentine’s Day date? a) Movies and dinner. You’re the classic type. Unless that seems outdated or lame. Then you’re totally down to try something else. b) Making dinner at home and watching Netflix. You’re pretty easy to please. c) A cruise on your private jet to Paris for the night.

Casual. d) Somewhere classy but not too expensive. Those student loans aren’t going to pay for themselves. e) It doesn’t really matter, but ideally you and your date are alone. You have a history of being overshadowed.

3. What are you getting your boo this Valentine’s Day? a) Whatever boo wants, boo gets. Boo changes his/her Mostly A’s Hillary Clinton: This Valentine’s Day, you should be discussing foreign policy over candlelight with the Hills. You’re both driven and independent but desire a little more love in your life. Oh, and she’ll definitely buy your dinner.

Mostly B’s Bernie Sanders: You seem to be going into this whole college thing with a pretty level head.

You know that your main priority is. You’re definitely feeling the Bern. You

mind? You’ll get boo a new present. b) Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark Holiday. Why are we buying stuff we don’t need and giving the big corporations more money? Why, America?! c) You’re taking your boo shopping on Oak Street. Tom Ford? Prada? Nothing’s too good for your boo. d) Some clearance flowers from Jewel-Osco. You’re balling on a budget. e) Something unique and memorable, like flowers and chocolates!

4. Your favorite romantic movie a) “The Proposal.” You love watching Sandra Bullock’s character go from rigid businesswoman to loveable control freak. Also, Betty White is queen. b) “Pretty Woman.” Julia Roberts getting her revenge on those snobby shop assistants never gets old and is a great reminder to not judge a book by its cover. “Big mistake.

Huge!” c) “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Great acting, great plot and that Christian Grey is basically your hero. d) “Annie Hall.” You may be young, but you’re clearly cultured beyond your years. e) The 1996 adaption of “Romeo and Juliet.” You really identify with the struggles of having a well-known family name.

and the senator should spend Feb. 14 together mocking everyone who buys into Valentine’s Day. End the night splitting a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

Mostly C’s Donald Trump: You want your date to treat you like the queen/king you are, and no one can do that better than the Trump.

He’ll bring you to restaurants so expensive they don’t even list the prices on the menu, so long as you let him talk about himself Photo courtesy of MICHAEL VADON

5. What’s the best part of being single on Valentine’s Day? a) Celebrating lifelong friendships. You don’t need a romantic partner to be complete! b) Not having to spend a penny on useless things. You’re frugal and proud! c) Being able to spend the day celebrating myself instead.

You’re a true catch. d) Being hot, young and single always has its perks. You can find me celebrating my independence at the club with other heterosexual, cisgender party animals this Valentine’s day. e) Absolutely nothing. This year, nothing is stopping you from getting a Valentine. NOTHING 6. Choose a love song a) “I’ll Make Love To You” by Boyz II Men. Because “girl, your wish is my command.” b) “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by the Beach Boys. Who says young love is optimistic and naïve? I myself am a believer in conquering the odds. . c) “I Want You” by the Beatles. Such a great love song dedicated to American Patriotism. USA! USA! d) “I Need Your Love” by Calvin Harris ft. Ellie Goulding.

You just love EDM! e) “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion. You can relate to desperately wanting something that is already gone.

the whole night. Whatever, the free king crab and prime steak is worth it.

Mostly D’s Marco Rubio: College is the first time in your life that Mom and Dad won’t be there to nag you into doing your homework or making sure you shower everyday. You’ve gotten into a great university and are by no means a lost cause, but remember that it is time to grow up a little bit. You don’t want to return

Mostly E’s Jeb Bush: You’ve been feeling pretty down lately, but Jeb will be so excited you chose him as your date over Trump that he’ll spend the entire evening catering to your every need. Unfortunately, he’s the clingy type and not good with rejection. Expect a heartbroken Jeb outside your window with a boombox over his head in the coming weeks.

DANIELLE HARRIS | THE DEPAULIA