Crackpot Groupies - English

Crackpot Groupies -

the Pirate Way -

A ‘The Pirate Balthasar’ Fan Fiction

by elianthos

With a little help from: Abused OCs of the TPB universe ( used with the authoress’ permission *wink wink* ) (In)famous anime&manga clichés Dante PMS Miss J. A. Unsavory jokes and crude humour Innuendo galore Willy of the Shakespearean Bard variety That Latin Catullus fellow from Verona Yoshihara Yuki Those 4 guys from Liverpool... ...and that other bunch singing of The Dark Side of the Moon Patti Smith Last but not least, fanfictional bad tropes ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) SCENE I. - Where Something Fishy This Way Comes -

I

t was a clear and starry night.

The waves were lapping gently at the Alidivento.

Two men were fishing quietly, enjoying each other’s company in silence. Or maybe not so in silence, nor so quietly. *smooch smooch smooch* - I’m FO BoVed *smooch* - I’m Ftill BoV- *SMOOOOOOOOCH* - BetteV *yanked by something pulling the hook* The other, dark skinned man, backed away a couple of inches.

- You got something on your hands, honeypie.

Pifo pouted, reluctantly removing his wandering hands to deal with the untimely fish. - Fffffff, I thought I alVeady had The two started pulling - Hmm... doesn’t seem shark this time.

At such, the other man perked up. - IF it Fquid? I adoVe Fquids. *heart-shaped eyes* The tentacles!

And so they pulled and pulled... ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°))

SCENE II - O, For Tongues Of fire (What Light Through Yonder Window Breaks?)

D

uring the following morning gymnastic, gossip spread. The (presently very cranky instructor) Pifo’s scream in the wee of the night had been impressive, causing a general rush to the deck.

If one had been among those hardened-by-sea pirates, such could have been the words gracing one’s ears, uttered while braving some unheard-of pretzel stretching pose.

Crew pirate #1 - Is it true? is it true? there’s a hot babe on board?

Crew pirate #2 - Did you see her?

Crew pirate #1 - The Doc swiftly carried her away and shut the door ( T_T ).

Crew pirate #3 - With so much hair and white skin ( :Q____ ), must be a woman ( *sprut* ).

Crew pirate #4 - Yes! I saw her tits! *dreamy face* Crew pirate #5 - Aaaaah, I can sniff a female fragrance! *dilated nostrils* Crew pirate #3 - Shaddup, you’re married Crew pirate #5 - * puffing his chest in his precariously pretzel position, wobbling * so what? You too.

Didnt’ you know it? Pirates ARE chick magnets.

Crew pirate #6 - Aaaaha, someone said chicken?

Crew pirate #5 - Depends on your kind of hunger *nudge nudge* Woops. *falling flat on his face, having thusly unpretzeled his precarious balance*.

His mates pulled him by the arms into a standing position again.

Crew pirate #3 - As long as it’s fresh meat...

By then their lecherous grins were freezed in place under the laser-accurate glare of Miss Pea and her constantly improving mop-swinging skills.

Having a fencing sister had its advantages. ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) SCENE III - And Thus I Clothe My Naked Villany (Irritation&Irritability)

L

ater in the day, Lio could barely keep the pushing horde of pirates out of the infirmary door, not to mention their heads from pouring into the window with starry eyes at the new patient. And they had bruised Pumpkin!

She could not keep them at bay using one arm only. Her other limb was fiercely cradling Foxy’s face against her chest while she processed the situation.

Kes was somewhere else to make the Doc miss her (dear sister as she was, sometimes she really wished to pinch her). Cat and Callista were still playing monkeys on their riggings training. Scratch it, they had now upgraded to Tarzan-styled rope swinging in their happy little bubble. Pea was gathering some resemblance of clothing for the addition on board, while occasionally supplying a deterring glare or two. But it was still not enough.

Ok, time for extreme measures: - Do-o-ooctor...!

The mob jumped backwards as the door slammed open, apparently by the sheer force of the dictatorial doctor mode’s flaming aura. A vein on his temple was popping. Uh-oh.

- Either you stay silent or I can guarantee your hemorrhoids and constipation will last for MONTHS. TO.COME.

The grin he kept all along somehow was very disturbing.

A voice from the upper deck washed over them: - Either you go back to work, gentlemen, or your baba ratio will go jump jump down Miss Cassandra’s capable throat. And I’ll make you look. Till the last single piece. *glinting smirk* From mid-sentence onwards the Doctor’s had gone from satisfied to ‘ dont’ give her ideas!-worried to “don’t drag my Kes into this!” to “leave her throat alone”-Neanderthal mode. The onlookers backpedaled.

Only one of the men lingered just out of the infirmary door, staring at the concealed patient’s bed position with concerned beyooootehful sparkly eyes...

Actually, his whole tanned muscular body was shining and surronded by shoujo bubbles. But maybe the bucket of soapy water falling on him from the returning Kes right above had a part in that. - Ooops, soooorry, mr. Gary .

She rushed down and wiped his soggy, now soap-irritated and runny-red-eyed but possibly even more beyooooooootehful face.

- Miss, you’re very kind... - his voice deepened to chocolatey caviar mousse depths in a bondage velvet cup - ... Miss Cassandra.

She smiled brightly at him, before a burning stare forced them to turn towards its purple-eyed source.

- My dear - and the violet irises example of male dominance strode to grasps Kes’ wrist - ...next time, don’t use dirty underwear - he glanced at it more closely, flushing - *my* underwear as a face cloth.

LE GASP! From inside the infirmary Lio and a lying Foxy sort of giggled at that. But then another laughter joined them from the next bed, and suddenly time stood still as such a silver bell sound was carried through the air to the whole ship. The milk that day turned spontaneously into Camembert. Crown of flowers and petals spiralling prettily out of nowhere diffused from the corner of the room where the girl had been resting ‘till moments before. ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) INTERMISSION - Ogne lingua devien tremando muta (Such stuff as dreams are made on)

H

er eyes were the colour of hazy rubies and cinnamon (yet such deep Iodosan hues they retained!) with curacao blue speckles, her hair a fiery red with raven ebony highlitghs falling in soft ringlets framing her perfect face, the gentle slope of her shoulders and her F-cup creamy bosom, whose plumpness was rivalled only by her bee-stung coral lips. Said lips were presently curved in the most graceful manner not even seaslugs could conceive, in spite of half her face being covered by bandages. *cue Rei Ayanami fanservice pliiz* ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) SCENE IV. - In terra a miracol mostrare (Though this be madness, yet there is method in’t).

T

he moments and days that followed would be forever etched into the crew’s memory. Miss Mary was a charmer, the perfect angel, the perfect friend, could fence spectacularly, was an amazing cook and a

general bomb. She easily slipped into the crew’s routine and managed the navigation vocabulary and concepts in a matter of days, providing invaluable advice in spite of having lived inland all of her life.

And she was an excellent gossip companion! Cat and Foxy were ecstatic. Not to mention the sex tips enthusiastically reported by Lio . She was thrilled to have another big-breasted girl on board to share boob tactics with.

- You can do xxx and XXX to your sweetie !

Mary’s eyes were huge windows into the innocent depths of the unconscious grace of her wanton soul: Really?!

- True, true.

- But would he like it for sure?

- Usually yes, men do. - Lio smiled kindly - Are you thinking of someone in particular?

Mary blushed coyly. Lio scooted closer. *stage whisper* - It works well only when you have enough chest mass.

- Otherwise he can’t... feel it well?

Lio’s expression was dazzling - Exactly. I wish we had some cucumbers… But veggies are a luxury while travelling by sea.

- Soooo, talking about available supplies… what about this kind of... oil and tools you mentioned? They go well with feathers and bindings? Being wrapped like this made me think, you know.

Calliope clasped her hands with delight: - Oh, a connoisseuse! well... - Gaze twinkling, her hands moved in a sweeping gesture – See all these jars?

Both girls turned towards the infirmary jars with glinting eyes.

((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) SCENE V. - O For Moar Tongues Of Fire (Something Is Steamin’ In The State Of Denmark?)

A

nd yet, this merry harmonious picture was marred by a single black smudge of resistance.

A young woman in love was suffering in silence. But she has never been one to step down from a challenge.

She had expressed her suspicions about Mary being a spy to Kane. Such suddenly acquired skills were not NORMAL. And Pea agreed with that at least. It was with some satisfaction and anticipation then that Cassandra actually caught the girl being called to speak in Kane and Talia’s room. But the bundle Mary carried to their room had her alarmed. Some counterespionage was in order.

Her peeping act had revealed the Captain and Talia laughing with Mary and patting the aforementioned bundle... no wait, envelope, the shape of which was suspiciously like a BIG book. Then her sister and his hubby after Mary left had started to get frisky.

Kane and Talia, the former in his favourite legs wide sitting position and the latter sort of sitting in his considerably endowed lap, just kept leafing through the mighty tome, for once both very taken with the subject at hand. Then she twisted and rose a little to be at his same eye level *SMOOOOCH * - When you want to pleasure a woman, you must use your tongue. *insert tongue-wrestling noises* - And some abilities need to be polished to perfection... *healthy grinding * - Rubbed in your face until they’re ingraved in your memory... *inseart ‘treasure’ rubbing of choice* And that was it, no action or suspicion against the girl could arise anymore. ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°))

SCENE VI. - Some Cupid Kills With Arrows, Some With Traps -

E

very time Kes went to *him* , the wretched embodiment of perfection known as Mary would cheerfully wave and claim not to mind her, “Behave as I wasn’t here!”

How could she get her precious quality time like this?

Westley’s touch brought her back to the here and now: - Your skin is indeed much better with the ointment and the lemons, but now you have this strange rash here...

Only to crash against the cruel reality: -Actually, pardon my intrusion, but could it be her humoral balance is upset, Doctor?

Kes bared her teeth at the syrupy sweet voice from beyond the curtain. Luckily or unluckily, with her back to the entrance neither of the others could see her face.

- Oooh, this is so clever, Miss Sue. At his reply Kes rushed to wear her shirt, ready to stomp away and pulled the curtain open. She jumped a little at Miss Mary and her blinding pearly whites being right there. The redhead-with-ebony-raven-highlights stepped inside.

- Oh, you’re too kind, Doctor Fynn. You are the one so clever for explaining me the 4 humours theory so well the other day !

One hands flew to her heaving bosom, the other instead went leaning on his forearm oh-so-casually.

Kes seethingly witnessed the rest between the two.

Wasn’t he taking a pretty looong time to feel her pulse? And why, WHY would he sport that damn grin on his face?! GRRR. Even the friendly neighbourhood mouse knew better and had kept away from the Papadopulos woman during those days. Hell hath no fury like a steaming Kes. - I’d say you’re back to health, Miss Sue. You can leave the infirmary for good today.

- Thank you from the bottom of my heart - her other hand then snatched Westley’s and brought it over her chest, fingercaging him.

Cassandra’s jaw almost hit the floor.

Not content with the impromptu heart massage, the girl stepped closer to Wes. The increased pressure on her chest resulting from such a move was not the only pressure rising in the room.

- Please, Doctor, call me by my first name ^.^. Miss Mary is more than enough.

She let go of his hands, her fingers dancing lightly on his biceps . - Oooh, what’s this? I’m dizzy. My dear Mr. Fynn...

And she proceeded to swoon on him, her head oh-so-casually- nesting at the base of his neck.

And then she turned her head, whispering something that made the doc’s eyes widen and his cheeks blush a little, her lips trailing from just below his Adam’s apple to his earlobe. Oh-so-casually-NOT. What followed was a whirlwind of growls, scratching and hair-pulling that shifted from indoors to the deck.

- Oooh, a catfight! It’s Miss Mary and Miss Cassandra! *the crew experiencing the heavenly vision* - Kane, do something!

Westley was stopped from a risen Kamasutra book, embroidered cover and full-page miniatures almost colliding with his face. The one and only pony-tailed man holding the tome grinned: - Oh, they’re strong girls - a nodding Castalia snuggled closer - Let’s see how the experiment goes.

- ‘Experiment?! ‘ You two knew of her plan to make Kes rabid!

Before the Doc could say or do more, Mary’s angelic screech was heard: - She pulled a Ugolino on meeeeee! Owwwwwww! ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°))

SCENE VII - The Quality Of Mercy (O True Apotechary) - Are you mad at me, Doctor?

He rose one of his oh-so-masculine eyebrows and glanced at her, she felt like shrinking a bit with shame.

- Now, come here.

His finger sifted through her hair, removing the now full mummy-style bandages, scanning her scalp and her face for some assorted marks left.

Mary shivered just a little under his ministrations.

- This will... - he applied some ointment that smelt strong but pretty good, and she fisted her shirt and squeezed her eyes shut - ...sting a little but you’ll feel better afterwards.

- She bites hard, doctor. But her bites are a sign of how much she loves you. They’re, indeed, lovebites.

- You picked some extreme methods to demonstrate that, Miss M. Her eyes opened at his stern tone, but he was grinning, just a little. And he was looking at her very very gently.

For her own sanity she just decided to keep her eyes closed some more. His touch alone was bad enough.

- Well, you still have a sore thumb from way before, Doctor. In comparison I’m pretty well off. My head is hard ;) (‘and I have analgesic pill’o’wonders from the future, but you needn’t know that ^.^ ‘ ).

The Doctor carefully checked her neck and jaw mobility - It indeed seems so. But please try to be more prudent in the future. As much as I appreciate doing my job, you dont’ want to actually take roots here, do you?

Also... you don’t want to make your most fervent admirer worried.

At that she cracked one eye open.

He was making a... flirty face?! Mary went sort of glassy-eyed and internally spazzed for excruciatingly long yet mere fleeting moments. Was she failing in her devotion to the hero’s happiness, HER MISSION PRO LOVERS-TO-BE?!? Focus girl, focus!

She zoned in again: the doctor was hinting with his head at the pretty shell on the nearest shelf.

- A present? ... from an admirer?

Westley nodded - ...who?

- That’s not my secret to reveal *grin*. Let’s see if your female intuition is spot-on once more. This time, please, just don’t endanger yourself. A girl should take better care of herself.

He stood up and went for the door.

Only to pop out stealthily seconds later near her ear : - Let’s see how the experiment goes. *laughs* As soon as he was out of sight, Mary whipped her head *owwww* towards Lio rolling up bandages...

- Who’s him, then? >3 ...just to have Fynn’s voice from outside: - Not a single word of help, Lio! Lest you wish for Foxy to skip his infirmary ‘naps’ for a week.

Calliope patted Mary sympathetically, then proceeded to bring out the feathers and her personal honey jar Soo... where were we at the foreplay tips? :D - Actually, before that I’d like your help. I need help to make the peace offering for your sister *winks* I have a certain design in mind, but I need a true expert...

- Hihihi, I like where this is going...

- And do we have cream?

Lio licked her lips: - Cream spoils too easily on board. But we have yogurt from fresh milk.

- Alright, we’ll make do *whispers* - So cuuuute - Yay! Will Quoque Tu let us access the kitchen?

- He’s a romantic ;)

SCENE VIII. - Here Comes The Sun, Because Something In The Way She Moves Attracts Me Like The Black Hole In The Sky With Crazy Diamonds -

M

ary’s step was cautious as she balanced a big tray covered with cloth.

- I really hope it works. Thank you Pifo, for helping me to make this for Cassandra.

- CaFFandVa iF my favouVite.

- Please believe me. I like her too ^^.

- AfteV youV unelegant behaviouV towaVds heV You’Ve Ftill on pVobation in my book *pouts* - Are you sure it’s a good moment to enter now?

- *big smile* Just enteV. - Doctor Fynn? Miss Cassandra? I have something for y... OH. - There were two male silhouettes behind the curtain - Forgive me, I had been assured you were free (‘Pifo, you trickster!’).

Westley was washing his hands in a basin: - I had just finished my visit, it’s ok. Mr. Stu, you can go. All is going well. See you here tomorrow at the same hour.

As the curtain opened, Mary’s ruby-cinnamon-curacao eyes met the man’s beeeeeyotehful aquamarine orbs rimmed with neon green, and everything felt very slo-mo and Gaussian blurred before both recovered enough brain cells and motility to bow their heads in greeting.

- Miss Mary - Mr.St-- Mr Gary, please.

Mr. Stu stopped in the comfortable momentary shadow of the doorframe to tie the strings crossing the front of his shirt ( :Q____), the girl’s voice caressing his ears from the other side of the room: - I’m leaving this for you and Kes, doctor. I hope she’ll accept it as my formal excuse as well.

Mary handed Westley a little card along with the tray, wordlessy mouthing an apology.

She stepped out of the courtained room corner. The sun glare from outside flooded her through the doorframe, almost making her stumble flush into Mr. Gary’s back. He got a not-entirely-unwelcomed F-cup boob bump.

The boob carrier stammered: - I beg you pardon! *blush blush* - unaware of petals starting spiralling around them.

Mr. Stu turned to face her: - Oh, my fault.

He awkwardly but gently brought one of her hands to his lips, stoically refraining from sneezing as one fluttering petal stuck into his left nostril. While he bent his head, the pendant on his neck gleamed as it sled forward, catching Mary’s attention.

It was a seashell. The same seashell her mysterious admirer’s had left her as a gift.

Their gaze and arms interlocked, in meaningful sudden-but-Tru-Luv fashion.

Petals by this point were a-stormin’. And then there was a shower of sparkles, more slow-mo and some random string orchestra grand piece of BGM. [Optional paragraph: *tonsil-hockey* “Oh, Gary! You are identical to my first luv back in middle school! “ *resuming tonsilhockey* “Ye! I’m him. It’s destiny, my sweet” *switching from hockey to hickey* The two lovers vanished in a temporal vortex of flurry petals and little rainbows and glittery bubbles . ] ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°)) ((°0°))

EPILOGUE - Da Mi Basia Mille (Because The Night Belongs To Lovers. Or Not.)

I

-

t was another starry and peaceful night.

A time for couples to entwine or to dream of your cherished ones when you’re being afar or apart, a time for the soul as much as for the body.

After much cuddling...

Westley: Soo, are we going to check this peace offering?

Kes: hmmm...

He grinned teasingly: - The card say it’s the ‘ DONUT of Lurv special recipe... ‘ Kes: *__* *jumping to remove the tray cloth* Wes: ‘with extra special filling ‘ Kes: ...

Wes: ‘ P.S. : I’ve asked Lio and Pifo some help to shape and decorate it, to ensure it’s perfect and scaled correctedly *heart* ‘ Kes: ...

Fynn’s eyebrow rose at her prolonged silence. Still holding the card he came closer to check : ‘... especially the non-circular element in the middle. Peace and love, Mary.’

He steadied Kes’ wobbly frame, stroking his chin critically as he leant over the tray: - Pretty accurate I’d say’.

Kes: Actually, no.

He started nibbling at her lower lip. - Liar.

He dabbed his fingers into one the yogurt-coated donut spots.

She promptly trapped one finger with her lips: - This is too small. But it tastes GOOD *chomps* - OOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Everyone rushed to the deck at the scream.

On the discarded card it read: ‘P.P.S.: Mind the lovebites’

NOTE: this fanfic was written between the end of last August and the beginning of September. In a way it’s a good thing I took so long deciding the subject for the cover, as some of the events in the fic - the ‘Tarzan moment’ and the hot moment between Kane&Talia - only recently have happened in the comic (especially from Callista’s Song 2nd special onwards) . Now this fic can be enjoyed without risking to spoil the reader! XD. About the cover itself… it’s meant to be a loving spoof on the Inner Mary Sue potentially looming inside every fan and the negative effects coming from an excess of identification and/or self-projection with a fictional universe, another person’s fictional universe at that… with all the adoration and complain and wishful thinking and author smothering coming with that. Pros and cons, and matters of balance and all that jazz… but it doesn’t hurt being reminded of that… especially in my case * fanatic fan who could give Pepe le pew a run for his odourous amorous ways… a more awesomely smelling thing or a more stinking one? ;) * Deda querida <3 My preciousssss <3 How I love thee, let me count the ways <3 three eternities would not suffice XD *gets a grip* The lovebite thing: put together Kes&Wes first meeting via donuts on the island and their development romance-wise. From bites to lovebites, quite literally. Nomen omen :p . The Donut of Lurv and the (love)bite are my my favourite joke fuel about these couple. Also… donut <-- food porn, anyone? Rawr. XD. Chapter (scenes) titles sources: most of them are misquotes from Shakespeare, as most of you have realized.

One though is a nod to Jane Austen’s Sense&Sensibility and to a spoof of her novel titles used as paradigms for one of the Black Adder TV series episodes featuring Rowan Atkinsons of Mr. Bean fame.

One scene title is a mushup of songs and lyrics by two oh-so-very famous, venerable&awesome Brit groups.

A couple of quotes are in Italian, and are lines from Dante Alighieri’s Vita Nova (Vita Nuova, prose&poetry narration of Dante’s youth and his meeting with Beatrice/Beatrix) poem ‘Tanto gentile e tanto onesta pare’ (‘So gentle and so gracious doth appear [ My lady]’ ) in chap. XXVI (the wiki page also has links to the English translation of the book) . If you have even a passing interest/heard of the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood XIX century English artistic movement, you might have heard a translaton of those lines, as they are tied to some of the most famous paintings and watercolours cycles by the main PRB founder, Dante Gabriel Rossetti. Google him and Dante together, you are in for some beautiful stuff and eyecandy ;D. One quote, the ‘da mi basia mille’ one (‘give me a thousand kisses’) is from Latin poet Catullus and belongs to one of his most intensely romantic poems, poem V. The following translation is from the English wikipedia page (google it with the keywords ‘Catullus 5’ :D ) Let us live, my Lesbia, and love.

As for all the rumors of those stern old men, Let us value them at a mere penny.

Suns may set and yet rise again, but Us, with our brief light, can set but once.

The night which falls is one never-ending sleep.

Give me a thousand kisses, then a hundred.

Then, another thousand, and a second hundred.

Then, yet another thousand, and a hundred.

Then, when we have counted up many thousands, Let us shake the abacus, so that no one may know the number, And become jealous when they see How many kisses we have shared.