Next Steps

Next Steps

Sexual Abuse Focused Education AN 8-PART CURRICULUM FOR NON-OFFENDING PARENTS OF SEXUALLY ABUSED CHILDREN

Next Steps

Sexual Abuse Focused Education AN 8-PART CURRICULUM FOR NON-OFFENDING PARENTS OF SEXUALLY ABUSED CHILDREN

Copyright © 2012 King County Sexual Assault Resource Center All rights reserved Design © www.DebiBodett.com This curriculum may not be reproduced in whole or in part without permission of: King County Sexual Assault Resource Center 200 Mill Avenue South, Suite 10 PO Box 300 Renton, Washington 98057

www.kcsarc.org

An 8-Part Curriculum For Non-Offending Parents Of Sexually Abused Children

Next Steps

Sexual Abuse Focused Education

TABLE OF CONTENTS Introduction. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 Part 1: Abuse Story – A Parent’s Perspective. . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 Part 2: The Impact of Sexual Abuse. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 Statistics, Impact on the Child, Betrayal, Powerlessness, Shame, Sexualization, Recanting. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 Factors Influencing the Multiple Dimensions of Sexual Abuse. . . . 11 Emotional and Behavioral Impact of Impaired Brain Development Due to Abuse and/or Neglect.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 Part 3: Impact on Others. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 Parents, Parents’ Intimate Relationship, Immediate Family, Extended Family, Social Life, Financial. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21 Diagnostic Symptoms vs. Trauma Symptoms. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 Part 4: Sexual Offenders 101. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25 Sex Offenders – Who Are They?, Red Flag Behaviors. . . . . . . . . . . . 27 Part 5: Grooming Strategies. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29 Grooming Adults & Children, Sexual Abuse, Keeping the Secret, When Children Tell, What to Do if You Suspect Grooming, Redefining a Parent’s View of the Offender, Family Loyalties. . . . . 31 Part 6: Discipline After Abuse.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

PRIDE Skills, PLAIN Talk, Discipline Strategies .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Middle Childhood and Adolescent Development. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Adolescent Growth and Development. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

41 44 58 60

Part 7: Developing Resilience – Beyond Surviving.. . . . . . . 67 Resilience Skill Set, Decreasing Risk Factors, Increasing Protective Factors.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70 Part 8: Redefining “Normal”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 75 Talking About the Abuse, Stress Management – Review.. . . . . . . . 78

Introduction No one doubts the trauma experienced by a child who has been sexually abused. Thankfully, trauma research has been extensive so there are many therapeutic modalities used to successfully treat children, adolescents, and adult survivors of child sexual abuse. However, what is often absent is the focus on both the traumatic impact on non-offending parents as well as the critical role parents play in the healing of their child. Next Steps is an educational program for non-offending parents and other adult caregivers of children who have been sexually abused.

We have always presented Next Steps in a one-on-one (or one-on-two when two parents are participating together) format. This allows for conversations that are more direct and allows parents the freedom to share their thoughts and feelings without the fear of shame and misunderstandings from other participants. Conversations within this program are often deeply personal, intimate, and, if not done mindfully, can feel overwhelming or even threatening to caregivers and other participants.

Long held beliefs may be challenged, and information that is difficult to hear is presented regularly.

Each session, while educational in content, is approached with care for the emotional well-being of the participant. Recognize that they are dealing with and managing their own trauma as well as that of their child. It is recommended that you don’t hold back on the educational content, but present it with wisdom and compassion.

This program is effective and worthwhile for parents and adult caregivers of all kinds; those who are emotionally supportive of the victim and those who are not, those who believe the victim and those who do not, those who are the parent of both the victim and the offender, grandparents, stepparents, siblings, other family members, those who have no knowledge or experience with sexual abuse, and those who are survivors of sexual abuse themselves.

There are eight parts in the Next Steps curriculum. They are written in chronological order so that each part builds on the lessons of the previous one. However, it is sometimes appropriate to present them out of order. That judgment is left up to the educator.

Next Steps • Sexual Abuse Focused Education

1

2

Next Steps • Sexual Abuse Focused Education

Part 1

Abuse Story – A Parent’s Perspective

Next Steps • Part 1: Abuse Story – A Parent’s Perspective

3

4

Next Steps • Part 1: Abuse Story – A Parent’s Perspective

Next Steps Part 1: Abuse Story – a Parent’s Perspective From an educator standpoint, it is important to know and understand the available “known facts” of the sexual abuse as well as the parents’ perspective on multiple issues. Allowing the parent to talk freely, with little interruption other than brief questions and clarification, allows the educator to gather information from the parents’ perspective. Careful attention should be paid to the language used to describe the victim, the offender, and the abuse itself. Note the tone, the emotions, and whether the parent is guarded regarding any particular information.

The dynamics of sexual abuse are multi-dimensional and take into account a large number of factors (see figure 1.1). Just as no two families are the same, no two stories of sexual abuse are the same. In addition to a variance of factors, the victim’s story will very likely be different from the victim’s mother’s story, which will also be different from the father’s story and the story the siblings may share. This is normal and to be expected, as each person has their own personal history, their own relationship with the victim, their own relationship with the offender, and each likely knows different pieces of the victim’s story. This is why it is so important that the educator ask for and listen carefully to the story as told by the parent. To best help the victim, we must know where to start with the parent, and the parents themselves are the best resource for that information.

Telling the story is emotionally powerful and draining for most parents. If you let them leave with raw emotion still exposed, they will likely not return. At the end of this session, it is important to help the parent gather themselves, relax, and release the stress incurred during the session. Provide handouts explaining relaxation techniques, and demonstrate several with the parent. These relaxation exercises will be used throughout the program.

Next Steps • Part 1: Abuse Story – A Parent’s Perspective

5

6

Next Steps • Part 1: Abuse Story – A Parent’s Perspective

Part 2

The Impact of Sexual Abuse

Next Steps • Part 2: The Impact of Sexual Abuse

7

8

Next Steps • Part 2: The Impact of Sexual Abuse

Next Steps Part 2: The Impact of Sexual Abuse This part will help a parent understand how the sexual assault impacts the child victim. Parents will learn about the impact of trauma, be able to recognize and decrease the symptoms, and understand developmental milestones where counseling may be indicated.

Statistics Basic facts and statistics about child sexual assault are important in giving parents a solid foundation in understanding the impact on victims and families. However, statistics can be meaningless numbers when a parent is faced with the sexual assault of their own child. When a parent discovers their child has been sexually abused, it matters little how many children are abused, what matters is how it happened to their child. Why didn’t their child say “No?” Why didn’t their child tell immediately? Where did they fail in their parenting skills?

The prevalence of child sexual abuse is staggering. A meta-analysis of 22 American-based studies, those done with national samples as well as local or regional representative samples, suggested that 30-40% of girls and 13% of boys experience sexual abuse during childhood (Bolen, 1999). Sexual abuse– victims represent all races, religions, socio-economic groups, and neighborhoods. Sexual assault is one of the most under reported crimes in the U.S., with 60% still being left unreported (U.S. Department of Justice, 2005). Under 39% of all rapes and sexual assaults were reported to law enforcement (Catalano, 2005).

Sexual abuse of children is underreported: 73% of child victims do not tell anyone about the abuse for at least a year; 45% of victims do not tell anyone for at least 5 years; and some never disclose (Smith et al., 2000; Broman-Fulks et al., 2007).

In the vast majority of sexual assaults, children know, like and trust their offender. It’s important to note that most of the time the offender is also someone the parent knows, likes and trusts. It makes sense really – these are the people who have the greatest access to our children. Take a look at the people closest to you: family members living in your home, extended family, your closest friends and their families – these are the people most likely to sexually abuse your child. For so many years we’ve taught kids about “Stranger Danger,” when in reality, it’s the people they know best who pose the greatest risk.

So who are all these offenders, and how do you know who they are? Unfortunately, these sex offenders are often the most difficult to identify. There are some general characteristics, but overall, they look just like the rest of us. Sex offenders are usually male, although there certainly are some female offenders.

Like victims, they represent all races, religions, socio-economic groups, and neighborhoods; no single group is under- or over-represented. They tend to seek opportunities to gain access to children – providing them with a steady stream of potential victims. They are parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles, teachers, coaches, camp counselors, youth group leaders and neighbors, siblings, cousins, best friends and co-workers. They can be anyone – literally anyone, and you may not know, or even guess, until your child tells you what they’ve done.

We seldom hear the word charming any more, except when referring to Prince Charming. Yet curiously, that word is frequently used in describing someone later discovered to be a sex offender. Sex offenders are usually friendly, likeable, and helpful. They work hard to earn your respect and trust, to be your friend and someone you (and your children) can count on. And yes, they WILL become your friend, date you, marry you, spend time with you, JUST to gain access to your children for the purpose of sexually abusing them.

Next Steps • Part 2: The Impact of Sexual Abuse

9

Child sex abuse is no accident. It doesn’t “just happen” because someone had a sexual urge and didn’t know what else to do with it. It’s pre-meditated and deliberate. The offender thought about it, planned it, made arrangements to have private access, and deliberately assaulted your child. He knew it was wrong – but chose to do it anyway. Child sexual abuse is a choice behavior. The offender didn’t care about how it would affect your child, your family or you. He thought about it, planned it and chose to do it – perhaps many times, because he enjoyed it. He liked it. And he’ll probably do it again.

Impact on the Child (see chart on page 11) Sexual abuse leaves its mark on the child victim. The severity can depend on many factors, including the child’s relationship to the offender, the duration of the abuse, and most importantly, the positive or negative reactions of the child’s immediate family members.

Messages learned or believed by child survivors: • I’m bad • No one loves me • No one could love me • I am unlovable • I am dirty • I’m stupid • It’s my fault • I should have done something • I should have told someone • I hate myself • I must be bad • I must have wanted it • I must have done something • I’m being punished • I deserve to die • I don’t want to be me • Why do these things happen to me?

• I must have deserved it Betrayal Children expect and trust the adults around them to provide for their physical and emotional needs.

When one of those trusted friends or relatives sexually abuses the child, a deep sense of betrayal is felt.

Child-victims have difficulty trusting others, and can become suspicious, angry or depressed. They have a decreased ability to make sound judgments, and become even more vulnerable to further abuse or exploitation. They lack trust in themselves, resulting in extreme dependency and decreased emotional growth. Betrayal is further developed when trusted adults fail to protect and support young victims.

In helping children through the healing process, it is important for parents to re-establish trust and consistency. Routines are beneficial, to ensure a child knows what will happen, and when. Boundary and limit setting are also critical. Children learn to feel safe again when parents set boundaries and enforce them. Oftentimes, when children push those limits, they are actually testing the safety net – ensuring that parents are continuing to protect them. Parents can aid in developing problem-solving skills and strategies, so that children don’t become despondent at the first misstep.

10

Next Steps • Part 2: The Impact of Sexual Abuse

Factors Influencing the Multiple Dimensions of Sexual Abuse

Victims

Offenders

Gender

Gender

Age

Age

Special populations/vulnerabilities

Special populations/vulnerabilities

Place in the family (oldest, youngest, middle, only child)

Place in the family (oldest, youngest, middle, only child)

Siblings

Relationship to the victim

Relationship to the offender

Duration of the abuse

Duration of the abuse

Type of abuse

Type of abuse

What victims disclosed vs. others’ statements vs. offender’s statement about what happened

What they’ve told vs. other versions of what happened

Violent vs. non-violent offending

Violent vs. non-violent

Relationship to non-offending caregivers

Relationship to non-offending caregivers

Strategies used to groom family and community

Strategies used by the offender

Strategies used to groom victims / potential victims

How the abuse was discovered

How the abuse was discovered

Caregiver’s response

Caregiver’s response

Emotional development

Sexual assault vs. sexualized behaviors

Sexual development

Knowledge of “sex” in general

Knowledge of “sex” in general

Own hisotry of sexual abuse

Number of victims in the family

Number of victims in the family

Number of victims outside the family

Number of victims outside the family

Knowledge of other victims

Who has knowledge of other victims?

Response of immediate and extended family

Response of immediate and extended family

Response of law enforcement and prosecutors

Response of law enforcement and prosecutors

CPS involvement

CPS involvement

Who all knows about the abuse?

Who all knows about the abuse?

Regiserable vs. non-registerable offense

Next Steps • Part 2: The Impact of Sexual Abuse

11

Throughout this process, parents must be trustworthy and respectful of the child’s needs. Make your words trustworthy. Respect your child’s privacy regarding whom you talk with about the sexual abuse, and what words you use to convey it. Remember, your child’s feelings and reactions are almost certainly different from yours.

Powerlessness (self-efficacy) Self-efficacy is one’s sense of having the ability to accomplish anything. Sexual abuse teaches children that they do not have that ability or power. Children believe they couldn’t or didn’t protect themselves; therefore they can’t do much of anything else either. Powerless individuals may develop phobias or unexplained fears. Nightmares and sleeping disorders are common. They are often afraid to try new things, and continue to perceive themselves as victims, resulting in learned helplessness. In an attempt to reclaim their “power,” they become verbally or physically aggressive, or participate in risky or disruptive behaviors. Dissociation is a primitive survival skill, enabling victims to get through the most difficult episodes of abuse. Survivors may continue to dissociate during emotionally difficult times.

Transitioning a child from powerless to powerful requires time, energy and patience. It is essential that parents assist the child in identifying and developing personal abilities, strengths and skills. As skills are being developed, children need an avenue to demonstrate what they’ve learned. They may do so by joining a group or team, or by teaching the skill to someone else – someone younger, older or even a peer.

Garnering recognition, attention or praise demonstrates to the child that they can achieve success.

Parents should also work with the child to develop decision-making and problem-solving skills.

Shame At some point, most kids become embarrassed and ashamed of their sexual abuse. We know that offenders will blame the victim with statements like, “You wanted to play the game;” “You’re the one who sat on my lap;” and “You said you loved me.” Children feel the sexual abuse was their fault, because they were complicit in the acts, enjoyed the affection, or because they have blue eyes, curly hair, or dark skin.

They see themselves as different; “marked” in some way, so that others can tell what happened just by looking at them. Kids overhear remarks people make about sexual abuse, (“Some kind of sick-o;” “It takes two to tango;” “I think she’s making it up.”) and wonder what’s wrong with them. They hear comments about sex offenders, and apply them to themselves, believing that they too are sick, gross, disgusting and dirty, because they were a part of the abuse. They, and others, see child victims as “damaged goods,” unable to ever escape that label.

Children who live in shame see themselves as unlovable, untouchable, separated from all the rest. They may isolate themselves, uncomfortable in the company of others. Shame and self-loathing can become all encompassing, leading to self-mutilation, drug and alcohol abuse, and eventually to attempted (or completed) suicide.

Provide opportunities for personal development to foster a sense of pride. Parents can learn effective communication skills, including positive self-talk strategies, and teach them to their children. Make a scrapbook or portfolio of accomplishments, as a regular reminder of the child’s skills, abilities and growth.

12

Next Steps • Part 2: The Impact of Sexual Abuse

Sexualization When sex has been introduced prematurely through sexual abuse, distorted views of sexuality develop.

Children know something “bad” happened, but are unclear about just exactly what about “it” was “bad.”

Was it the touching? Or was it because the person who touched me was older than me? Was it because it was my uncle? Or because we took our clothes off? Or because I was never supposed to let someone touch me, and I played the funny game with him anyway? Believing that all touching is “bad” can lead to feeling of disgust or shame around all sexuality. Developing sexuality can be confusing and painful. Children learn to exchange sex for intimacy and affection. They have no clear understanding of “normal” within sexual behavior or sexual morality.

Children who’ve been sexualized may develop a preoccupation with sex – its feelings, sexual body parts, and sexual actions. They may act out, or imitate, sex acts they’ve seen or experienced with siblings, playmates, toys – even pets. These children have not become “sex offenders,” they’re simply copying behaviors they know. Although it’s hard to accept, a child could perceive some aspects of the sexual abuse positively.

Through sexual abuse, the abuser may have provided attention, affection, or gifts – things the child needed or desired. They come to accept the trade: sex in exchange for having basic needs met. The child may believe they consented to the sexual activity, when in reality they were manipulated and coerced.

After sexual abuse, parents need to play an active role in teaching appropriate, positive sexuality.

Children must be taught about healthy relationships, with age appropriate terms and discussions. Care should be taken to provide opportunities for discussing intimacy, boundaries, and choices. Children who’ve experienced sexual abuse often don’t know when or how to say “no,” even as adults. Parents can help by allowing children say “no,” and supporting that choice when possible.

Recanting Kids are often told that if someone is touching them in a bad way, they should tell an adult, and everything will be better. Unfortunately, that is seldom the case – in fact, what they experience after telling can seem worse than the abuse.

They often see parents crying, upset, blaming, angry, families breaking up, a loved one being arrested, multiple interviews, adults arguing and fighting, everyone blaming each other, some believing the child and others not…Is it any wonder that some kids will take back their story, saying they made it up, so things can go back to the way they used to be?

It is important for parents to shield and protect children as much as possible from the fallout that results from the child’s disclosure. Kids should not be made to feel responsible for whatever happens next. The responsibility and blame should be placed on the offender, in words that help children understand that, like sexual abuse itself, the repercussions for the offender are not the fault of the child.

“But the child’s story changed. How can I believe what my child says when I’ve heard different details of the actual abuse?” Typically, it’s not that the story has changed at all. It’s just that the child is referring to multiple events, or that they are tailoring the details to the audience. Think about any recent event you experience. Now think back to how that event was shared with friends, family, co-workers, your boss, a child, etc. Did you share every single detail, minute-by-minute, of that event? Was that even possible?

Did you share exactly the same details, word for word, with your partner that you shared with your

Next Steps • Part 2: The Impact of Sexual Abuse

13

parent? Or your boss? Or your child? Are there some details that you didn’t share because they seemed inconsequential, inappropriate for the audience, or even embarrassing? Kids do the same thing when sharing an event (or series of events) with others. They cannot remember or tell every detail of each event, they tailor the details to the audience, and they will try to avoid embarrassment if possible.

Another major factor is that kids don’t KNOW what to tell. They don’t know what parts of the sexual abuse were in fact sex or abuse. Sexual abuse becomes normalized so that they don’t know exactly what was normal and OK, and what was abnormal and NOT OK. So they don’t know what parts to tell, or who to tell them to. Young children often don’t recognize the extent of their sexual abuse until they are much older – in adolescence or adulthood. Because they don’t know what to tell, they often tell things accidentally, and may happen to tell one person but not another.

It is uncommon for children to fabricate stories of their sexual abuse. On occasion, they change some of the details, generally to keep from getting in trouble. For instance, the child may say it happened when he was watching TV with the offender, when they were really playing video games. But the child knows he wasn’t allowed to play that video game, and is worried that if his parents discover that piece, he’ll get in trouble, so he changes the video game to watching TV. It is important for parents to say, “You’re not in trouble,” for the abuse, and to mean what they say. The offender has already worked hard to make the child feel responsible, and likely has included some things for which the child would get in trouble, in order to keep the abuse a secret.

Consider the words of an adolescent who, after many years, disclosed sexual abuse by her father. “My mom is always crying, my dad had to move out of the house, my brothers and sister hate me and say this is all my fault, my grandma thinks I’m lying and won’t let me come over anymore, I always feel like throwing up, my mom says she can’t afford the house payment so we probably have to move, I’m failing three of my classes, and now I’ll have to change schools. I hate all of this and I wish it would all go away!” If you were a kid, and you thought you could make this all go away, would you consider saying that it was all a lie? Would you be willing to let the sexual abuse continue so that life could return to “normal”? Sadly, some do.

14

Next Steps • Part 2: The Impact of Sexual Abuse

Emotional and Behavioral Impact Impaired Brain Development Due to Abuse and/or Neglect Brain Development Many people are surprised to learn that a child’s brain development is negatively impacted by violence.

The younger the child at the time of abuse, the greater the impact will be. Early abuse may permanently alter the child’s ability to “feel good.” It also reduces a child’s ability to function in an environment that is stimulating, kind, and nurturing.

Persistent Fear Response Child abuse is seldom a one-time event. Rather, it involves repeated behaviors that are physically and emotionally painful and damaging to the child.

Children become highly fearful and stressed as they recover from one abusive interaction while anticipating the next one. The repeated traumas and chronic related stress can result in a persistently fearful state of mind, affecting brain chemistry, and causing problems with attention, impulse control, sleep, and fine motor control. If the changes in brain chemistry persist, certain parts of the brain can “wear out,” resulting in diminished cognitive and memory development.

Over time, the persistent fear response permanently alters the child’s perception of and response to his environment.

While this alteration can be critical to survival in a hostile world, it becomes problematic when the environment changes to one that is safe and nurturing, and the child continues to respond and interact from a position of fear.

Hyperarousal When children are exposed to chronic traumatic stress, their brains become highly sensitized to the fear response, triggering the mind and body reactions without conscious thought. These children have an altered baseline, causing them to overact to stimuli that other children would find non-threatening.

They may be highly sensitive to non-verbal cues such as eye contact or a gentle touch on their arm, which they perceive as threatening. Because their brains are so intensely focused on possible threats, they may have trouble becoming relaxed enough to learn.

Dissociation Dissociation is a good example of a primitive skill that enables a child to escape a horrible situation.

Children who are abused over time usually engage in this coping strategy. It is a means of mentally withdrawing or escaping from the abuse, by separating the abuse from conscious awareness. It is a “spacing out” of sorts. Dissociation allows the child to detach themselves from their physical body so that the abuse becomes “not real.” While dissociating can be an effective tool for surviving the abuse, it becomes problematic when it is triggered by everyday events that are non-threatening. It can interrupt the learning process and get in the way of normal child development.

We all experience dissociation at some level. When we drive a familiar road on a routine basis and do not have to concentrate on turns or signs, we tend to space out or daydream. We push away all conscious

Next Steps • Part 2: The Impact of Sexual Abuse

15

awareness of ourselves, and others, to some extent. Conversations or activity can be happening without us realizing it. We put ourselves in another place with a feeling of another time. Time has no meaning in this place.

Dissociation is the extreme end of this phenomenon. The abuse then does not seem to hurt as much, both emotionally and physically. Survivors describe dissociation as feeling as though they were not really present during the time abuse was happening. They describe floating to the ceiling or watching from afar. If dissociation is repeatedly utilized, it prevents memories from being integrated into consciousness.

Dissociation is a survival skill developed to deal with a traumatic event. A child learns to dissociate under traumatic conditions. The pairing between trauma and dissociation becomes automatic.

However, over time, the brain cannot always distinguish true trauma from feelings related to the original trauma. Therefore, if the abused child feels a similar feeling as when abuse is occurring s/he may dissociate. So, the feeling of fear, or a creepy uneasy feeling that was experienced during the trauma is now being experienced in another setting; the child may dissociate automatically without assessing whether s/he is indeed in trouble. The dissociative window (times when the child dissociates) may get bigger and bigger. If this happens, the child may not be able function in a healthy manner in safe environments.

School, for instance, may trigger dissociative episodes if the “trigger” feelings are experienced. Imagine a child feeling fear about a test and automatically dissociating. If carried to the extreme end of the continuum, dissociation can develop into multiple personalities, now known as “dissociative identity disorder.” Survivors at this extreme end are rare. They may find themselves in places and not remember how they got there and have the experience of living different lives.

Dissociation can be mistaken for “spacing out”, losing focus, not paying attention, or ignoring. It often occurs in times of stress, worry, fear, or boredom – when memories of past abuse come up. It’s important that a child or adolescent not be punished or treated harshly when this occurs. Rather, they should be gently brought back to the present day, time, and place. This can be done by using a “grounding technique”, gently placing a hand on the child’s arm (or other non-threatening location), quietly saying the child’s name and reminding them where they are and what they are (supposed to be) doing.

16

Next Steps • Part 2: The Impact of Sexual Abuse

Disrupted Attachment Attachment is most simply defined as the emotional relationships we have with other people. The newborn brain is “hardwired” to begin bonding and attachment from the moment of birth. It is also the foundation of other learning, because infants and children learn best when they feel safe, calm, nurtured, and protected by their caregivers.

Babies who have positive interactions with at least one caregiver develop secure attachment. Securely attached children have better self esteem and self-confidence. They believe they are lovable and worthy of care and attention. They even develop stronger immune systems. Children with secure attachments are more optimistic and have greater resilience despite hardship. The emotional stability that securely attached infants experience promotes brain development and learning ability.

Insecure attachment can result from child abuse and/or neglect. There are some behaviors that are common in children who have been abused including: •

Developmental delays – brain and body are focused on survival

•

Eating problems – hoarding, failure to thrive, swallowing problems, vomiting

•

Soothing behaviors – primitive, immature, even bizarre such as biting themselves, head banging, rocking, chanting, scratching or cutting themselves

•

Emotional functioning – a range of problems including depression and anxiety. Indiscriminate attachment is common and is actually a “safety seeking” behavior.

•

Inappropriate modeling – children repeat the behaviors they have seen

•

Aggression – a major problem with these children is aggression and cruelty. Neglected children tend to lack empathy and have poor impulse control. They feel compelled to lash out and hurt others; typically those younger or less powerful than themselves. They may show regret, but are seldom remorseful.

Next Steps • Part 2: The Impact of Sexual Abuse

17

18

Next Steps • Part 3: Impact on Others

Part 3

Impact on Others

Next Steps • Part 3: Impact on Others

19

20

Next Steps • Part 3: Impact on Others

Next Steps Part 3: Impact on Others Family and Social Impact of Child Sexual Abuse Parents The sexual abuse of a child affects a parent on many levels. For Adult Survivors, it brings the memories and emotions right to the forefront, having to be dealt with again. For some parents, talking about their child’s abuse allows them to talk about their own abuse for the first time. It is important for the educator to let the parent tell their story, from beginning to end without interruption.

We give the parents an opportunity to tell their own story for several reasons. First, so that we can help them see the differences between their own abuse and that of their child. Second, because the act of telling the story is therapeutic and healing in itself. Third, it emphasizes the point that the parent survived their abuse and that their child will survive theirs as well. And finally, to help the educator understand how the parent’s abuse has been integrated and dealt with by the parent. We can identify their strengths, their support system, and who the parent holds responsible for the sexual abuse – himor herself? A non-offending family member? The “system”? After sharing their own story, the parent can identify the positive and negative aspects of their history to plan how they can best support and protect their child.

When the offender is a parent, the non-offending parent has tremendous hurdles to overcome. Denial and avoidance are common. Parents often believe “something” happened, but it couldn’t possibly be what the child disclosed – there has to be some mistake. Parents need education, support and understanding through this process. Most parents will come to fully believe and support their children.

Sometimes a parent and child have the same offender. In most situations, the offender is the child’s maternal grandfather, who also sexually abused mom as a child. While it would be easy to blame the mother for allowing her offender to have contact with her child, it’s important to understand the mother’s thought process and decision making.

These parents were certain their offender would never touch their child. They often say, “I know he abused me when I was little, but I didn’t think he would do it to my child. He knows I would kill him if he ever touched my kids. I can’t believe he did it anyway.” Children also blame themselves for their abuse. They believe they caused it, it was deserved, or they could have stopped it if they’d have tried harder. When that abused child becomes a parent, and the same offender assaults their child, that parent has difficulty reconciling their own self-belief with that of their child’s. The educator must help the parents reframe their own abuse and the beliefs surrounding it. Then the parent can move forward to best protect and support their child.

Next Steps • Part 3: Impact on Others

21

Parents’ Intimate Relationship For parents, the relationship with their intimate partners will very likely be strained. They will each experience the crisis (abuse) differently and likely become angry or resentful about the way the other is reacting. They will likely alternate between blaming themselves and blaming each other for what has happened to the victim. When the offender is related to one of them, it creates a greater chasm between them, with blame playing a major factor.

It’s important to talk with both partners early in the process, together if possible. They should be aware that they will have different emotions at different times; each will handle the abuse and its aftermath in their individual way – with neither way being “wrong.” At most times their feelings will be different from each other’s, with brief moments of being exactly the same – then becoming different again – and that process is perfectly normal. Parents should have the opportunity to talk with the educator together and separately over time, to help understand themselves and each other. Relationships DO survive a child’s sexual abuse, but not without understanding, patience and support.

One of the most difficult challenges is when one partner is the parent of the victim and one the parent of the offender. Each is most motivated to protect their own child, regardless of the role they had in the abuse. It can become extremely difficult to maintain these relationships without hostility and resentment toward each other and the other child. Often, the adults split up for a while to do what they see best for their own child. Sexual intimacy is often difficult or impossible to sustain for one or both partners.

The thoughts or images of the child’s sexual assault can inhibit the ability or desire to be intimate. This can be especially so for adult survivors. While the feelings are usually temporary, they leave one or both adults feeling lonely, alienated, or attacked.

If the offender was a man, a male partner often feels blamed or persecuted for being male with sexual desires.

It’s important that the educator is able to discuss normal adult intimacy and sexuality with the adult partners. Frank discussion can assist them in finding their way through the crisis together.

Immediate Family When the abuse happened to just one or some of the children in a family, the non-offended children are still affected by it. When a parent is the offender, those other children may not be allowed contact with the offender, making them resentful and angry toward the victim child/children. They may blame the victim for causing turmoil or change in the family. They will naturally take sides, supporting different people and stories at different times.

Extended Family When the offender is a member of the extended family, family members tend to take sides – supporting either the victim or the offender, but seldom both. Some are angered with the victim for “allowing” the abuse to occur, or for dealing with it outside the family (through law enforcement or CPS). Some are certain (for various reasons) that the child victim is lying. Some family members will support the victim, doing everything possible to care for the child and immediate family.

22

Next Steps • Part 3: Impact on Others

Social Life Parents, with help from the victim, will decide who knows about the abuse. It’s not necessary for everyone the parent and child know to have the details. Parents should follow the child’s lead – if the child wants it to be kept private, that desire should be respected.

Some adults will deal poorly with the information. They may not want contact with the child anymore.

The common thoughts (misperceptions) behind that are, “I don’t want her to accuse me next.” and “I don’t want her to do it to my child.” These ideas come from a lack of knowledge and understanding of child sexual abuse. Parents should try to surround themselves with people who are supportive, caring and helpful.

Financial The sexual abuse of a child is costly, in emotional wellbeing as well as in dollars. Expected and unexpected financial expenditures can include lost wages (for interviews, medical and therapy appointments), therapy fees for victim and family members, attorney fees (divorce, parenting plans, defense attorney), moving costs, replacement of bed and/or bedding, child care, and prescriptions. While not every family will bear these costs, some will have these and others.

Next Steps • Part 3: Impact on Others

23

Diagnostic Symptoms vs. Trauma Symptoms When is counseling important?

Children do not understand the “sex” part of sexual abuse. Over the years, as they mature and learn more about “sexuality,” their understanding of the abuse changes. There are some key developmental milestones that can trigger counseling issues.

Child: Children blame themselves for the abuse, feeling responsible for what happens as a result of having reported it. They may be angry, ashamed or sad. They may become preoccupied with sex and sexual behaviors, possibly acting them out with other children.

Pre-adolescent: They are beginning to understand sex and sexual acts and that the abuse was sexual in nature. Some may enter puberty, and see their bodies developing sexually. They may be uncomfortable with the physical changes and feelings.

Teen: They start engaging in dating/partnering relationships. They can now fully recognize the “sexual” implication of sexual assault. They recognize and identify their own sexual feelings, but wonder, “what’s normal?” and if they will ever be “normal.” They may be extremely uncomfortable with their own sexual feelings as it brings up their abuse history. They are unsure of whom to trust, and they may not know how or when to say “no” to a sexual relationship. They can’t identify their own wants and needs as separate from their partner’s. They may engage in risky behaviors.

Adulthood: Intimate partnerships develop. They are discovering how child sexual abuse affects intimacy, trust and relationships. They may use sex for attention, affection, power and they may be unable to have a healthy sexual relationship. They may avoid sex or be sexually dysfunctional. They may have no sexual limits or boundaries.

Parenthood: They gain recognition of a parent’s role in protecting their children. They may be able to identify and internalize their own parent’s actions and reactions to past sexual abuse. They may become angry and resentful toward those who knew of the childhood abuse, believing they could have or should have done more to prevent or protect them from the abuse. They may have an understanding of the tactics and patterns of offenders.

Who Should Know About the Abuse?

Parents should use caution when discussing details of their child’s sexual abuse. The child will likely want it kept private, and not open for discussion by everyone they know. Not everyone will be supportive or protective of the child, no matter what the situation is. Immediate family members who are impacted by the abuse should be made aware, although the details of the assault are not necessary. Parents, stepparents, partners and guardians should also be aware so that they can best provide support and protection. Anyone else who may inadvertently allow the offender to have contact with the victim should be given brief information along with specific directions to not allow such contact under any circumstances. If there are medical concerns, the child’s doctor or other health care professional can be made aware. If there may be additional victims of the same offender, parents should discuss it with law enforcement, the prosecutor or an advocate before discussing details with those potential victims or their families.

Unless there is a compelling reason, the following people do not need to know about the child’s abuse: teachers, school personnel, friends and their parents, neighbors, child care providers, members of the faith community.

24

Next Steps • Part 3: Impact on Others

Part 4

Sexual Offenders 101

Next Steps • Part 4: Sexual Offenders 101

25

26

Next Steps • Part 4: Sexual Offenders 101

Next Steps Part 4: Sexual Offenders 101 Sex Offenders: Who Are They? What Do They Look Like?

Generally speaking, Child Molesters look just like the people who live in your house, on your block, in your area, and in your city. They bear stark resemblance to the “Average American Male” in most ways - equally married, educated, employed as the general American male population. Their ethnic, socioeconomic, and religious affiliation are similar to the US Census figures. So, if Child Molesters look like everyone else, how do we know who they are?

Who sexually abuses children?

•

Family members commit 39% of the reported sexual assaults on children.

•

56% of those who sexually abuse children are acquaintances of either the child or the family.

•

Only 5% of sexual abuse of children is perpetrated by a stranger.

•

The younger the victim, the more likely it is that the abuser is a family member; 50% of those molesting children under six were family members; 23% of those abusing a 12-17 year-old child were family members.

•

34% of child sexual abuse is perpetrated by juveniles (Snyder, 2000)

Other data corroborate the above findings. Approximately three quarters of reported cases of child sexual abuse are committed by family members or other individuals who are considered part of the victim’s “circle of trust.” (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2005).

Of female sexual assault victims, 73% were assaulted by someone they knew, and 26% by a stranger.

Thirty-eight percent (38%) of women assaulted by a known offender were friends or acquaintances of the rapist, and 28% were intimate partners (Shannan M. Catalano, 2005).

Twenty-three percent of reported cases of child sexual abuse are perpetrated by individuals under the age of 18 (Snyder, 2000) When returning sex offenders are homeless and unemployed they are more likely to re-offend.

(Becker & Murphy, 1998)

Next Steps • Part 4: Sexual Offenders 101

27

Red Flag Behaviors – What a Parent Should Watch For “Red Flag” behaviors are things commonly done by offenders that you may be able to watch for and identify. Not every offender exhibits every behavior on this list, but knowing these things is a good place to start.

•

Gets to know you quickly, becomes your friend as quickly as possible

•

Is helpful and reliable, to gain your trust and make you comfortable with them being around your child

•

Presents an appearance of being someone you and your family can trust and rely upon

•

“Hangs out” with kids or teens, perhaps more so than with peers

•

Knows more about what kids like than you do; i.e., music, clothing, video games, movies, language, etc.

•

Pays attention to your child and makes them feel special

•

Gets to know your child’s likes and dislikes, very well

•

Involves your child in fun activities so they can be together – alone

•

Goes out of their way to provide gifts or treats your child will like

•

Makes comments like, “Anyone who molests a child should be shot!” or “Sexually abusing a child is the sickest thing anyone can do.”

•

If their job or hobby involves working with children, they may choose to spend all of their free time helping children, or taking them on “special outings”

•

Takes advantage of your child’s natural curiosity about sex by telling “dirty” jokes, showing them pornography, and playing sexual games

28

Next Steps • Part 4: Sexual Offenders 101

Part 5

Grooming Strategies

Next Steps • Part 5: Grooming Strategies

29

30

Next Steps • Part 5: Grooming Strategies

Next Steps Part 5: Grooming Strategies Grooming Grooming is the process an offender goes through to sexually abuse another person. It is most likely that the offender thought about sexually assaulting a particular child for a period of time before it happened the first time. He thought about it, fantasized about it, and made plans on how to best fulfill his desire without being discovered. He had to figure out how to pull pants down, dresses up, and underclothes off; expose and touch private parts in sexual ways and get this child to comply and keep the secret – all without someone finding out.

Most adults are familiar with the “art” of seduction. It may begin with small talk, getting to better know the object of one’s desire. It continues by spending time together, getting to know each other’s likes and dislikes, becoming more comfortable in each other’s presence. Eventually things become more intimate – physical touch, inside jokes, a lingering gaze, and the electricity of the first sexual contact. Sometimes the process is quick, sometimes moving more slowly. It’s the same with grooming – the process an offender engages in to sexually abuse a child.

Offenders will often begin the sexual abuse process by getting to know and gaining the trust of the adults most involved in the child’s life. They often share common interests, are friendly and helpful, and quickly gain trust and “insider status.” They often talk about the intended victim(s) with other adults, appearing to show care and concern for the child’s best interest and well being. The offender will often touch his intended victim(s) – and other children – in non-sexual ways, in front of other adults. This nonsexual touch accomplishes two things: 1) It tells the child that physical contact by this person is OK since other adults are present and witness it without concern or interference and, 2) it creates a support base of adults ready and willing to defend him against any accusations of misconduct, because they “saw” the interactions between the victim and the offender and everything was completely appropriate.

Even though this is the 21st century, the misperception that “nice people aren’t/can’t be sex offenders” is still alive and well. By establishing themselves as friendly, helpful, charming and trustworthy, offenders build themselves a solid community base of supporters willing to take a stand against any person coming forward with allegations of sexual abuse.

Next Steps • Part 5: Grooming Strategies

31

Grooming Children A series of manipulations, coercion, trickery, and lies, with some fun thrown into the mix – that is the recipe for grooming a child into the experience of sexual abuse.

Offenders usually establish some kind of a “partnership” with potential victims. They become a friend, confidant, and supportive ally in order to gain trust, explore vulnerabilities, and learn the child’s secrets.

Often the manipulation and lies are used to separate or “drive a wedge” between the child and parent(s), so the offender can become the victim’s ally against them. He will discover what technique will work best to keep the abuse a secret between the two of them: gifts, favors, attention, friendship – or threats against the victim or loved family members.

On the flip side, sometimes an offender displays outright rejection of a potential victim. He may criticize, mock or cruelly tease the child. He may, in fact, truly dislike the child. The resulting behavior of the child is to try harder, do anything, to make the offender like him or her. To become obedient, to do everything he asks and tell no one about it – because just maybe he will be nice, or at least stop being mean.

Once the relationship has been established the offender begins touching the child in non-sexual ways; tickling, wrestling, a pat on the back, piggy back rides and hugs. The child becomes comfortable with, and looks forward to, the emotional closeness and accompanying physical touch. The non-sexual touching provides (temporary) sexual gratification to the offender. While he’s giving a hug, his mind is planning the details of his goal: sexual contact.

Introducing sexual contact happens in various ways. With very young children (pre-school – kindergarten) it’s sometimes portrayed as a game or fun activity (“If you touch my snake it will stand up for you!”). Elementary school aged children are curious about private parts, developing sexuality, “dirty” jokes, and “potty-talk.” They’ve learned that these topics are seldom to be discussed in public, so a secrecy surrounding them already exists. Offenders utilize the curiosity combined with secrecy to their advantage.

Pornography (photos, movies, or computer images) may be introduced at this time to normalize nudity, adult genitalia and sex acts. It may include adults only, kids only, or adults with children. It is used to show the child what to do, and offer ideas and suggestions about what will happen now, soon or never.

It also makes the child feel complicit in their sexual abuse, keeping them silent about the abuse to stay out of trouble.

32

Next Steps • Part 5: Grooming Strategies

Sexual Abuse At some point the sexual assault occurs. It may be one time or many times, perhaps in different places with different types of sexual abuse.

It’s important to understand that kids don’t always know exactly what, when, or where the initial sexual assault took place. A child may wonder about the hug that seem to take too long, or the tickling that “accidentally” touched their genital area. If the sexual abuse was ongoing, it may have become so normalized that the child doesn’t see it as being unusual or “worth” telling. If pornography has been used, they might not think to tell about looking at it, or to tell about the nude photos that were taken of them.

It’s hard to imagine, but a skilled sex offender can turn sexual abuse into a “game” that children enjoy playing. One offender played a “sucker game” with the neighborhood children. They would take turns licking his penis, and when the penis stood straight up, he would chase them, tickle them, and they’d each get a sucker. In fact the game was SO much fun, the children visited him frequently to play it again. When the children talked with their parents about the game, they only talked about the chasing, tickling and the resulting sucker as a reward. The parents thought it to be harmless, and appreciated that this man would take the time to play with the neighborhood kids. Until one eventful day, one of the very young children explained the game to her mom in full detail. Even then, she told her mom it was the “funnest” game ever! At the time, none of the children involved realized there was sexual abuse happening. It’s easy to see how kids can be confused about what has happened to them.

At what point does sexual abuse take place? What part was OK and what part – exactly was not OK? What about when I sat on his lap? Was that OK? I sit on my mom’s lap, and my dad’s lap, and that seems OK. How about when he took my clothes off? My mom takes my clothes off sometimes when I’m getting ready for a bath. When I fell in the big mud puddle at school, the school nurse helped me take my pants off, and gave me some dry sweat pants to wear. How about when he touched my private parts? The doctor touched my private parts at my last check-up. Was that OK? What about when I touched his private parts? Was I bad then? Am I in trouble? My little cousin and I touched each other’s privates last summer. Will we go to jail?

Kids have no real understanding of the dynamics, intricacies and legal issues of child sexual assault. They may not know when to tell. And even if they do know something “bad” has happened, the offender has often employed one or more methods of keeping the child from talking about the abuse.

Next Steps • Part 5: Grooming Strategies

33

Keeping the Secret There are many effective ways to keep child sexual abuse secret. The first method that often comes to mind is keeping the secret by threatening the child. While sometimes an offender threatens to harm their young victim, the more common and effective threat is against someone the child knows and cares about.

• • •

“If your mom finds out, she’ll be very upset. I don’t know if she can take it.”

“If your mom finds out I might have to move out, and that will be hard on her.”

“If you won’t do it, I bet your little sister will.”

Or to make the child feel responsible for what will happen.

• • • •

“If you tell anyone, I’ll have to go to jail. You don’t want that to happen, do you?”

“If you tell anyone, we’ll both have to go to jail. Jail is a terrible place for someone your age, and you’ll have to stay there for a really long time.”

“If anyone finds out, you and your sister will have to go to a foster home. You and your sister will never see your mom again.”

“Your mom will be so disappointed in you…”

Or to make the child believe he’s the one who will be in trouble.

• • •

“No one will believe you, and you’ll get in trouble for lying.”

“If anyone finds out you’ll go to jail.”

“You’re the one who wanted to do it. They’ll take you away if they find out.”

Sometimes the offender will make the child feel guilty.

• • •

“I thought you loved me.”

“You’ve always been special to me. I’ll miss you very much.”

“I thought you wanted to be my buddy.”

And sometimes there are direct threats of harm.

• • •

“If you tell anyone, I’ll hurt you (kill you, hunt you down).”

“If you tell anyone, I’ll hurt your mom (sibling, other family member, friend)” “If you tell, I’ll kill your dog (other family pet)”

When sexual abuse is made into a game, kids don’t always think to tell another adult exactly how the game is played. Your child may often play “I’ve got a Secret” with Uncle Bill, but not tell you just what that sometimes the secret is about touching. The nice man next door might hide candy in his pocket, telling the kids if they find it, they can have it. Your child might not tell you that the man has a hole in his pants pocket and sometimes it’s his penis “hiding” in that pocket.

34

Next Steps • Part 5: Grooming Strategies

When Children Tell Children often think they’ve told an adult about the abuse. The parent may hear, “I don’t want you to go to work Mommy. I want you to stay home with me.” The child may believe they said, “When you’re gone, daddy makes me touch his penis. I don’t like it. I want you to stay home so I don’t have to do that anymore.”

This disconnect in communication allows the abuse to continue.

“When I was in the bathroom, I saw Grandpa’s penis,” a child says. His parent responds with, “I’ve told you not to go in the bathroom when someone else is in there. Next time knock first, and wait your turn.” The child was admonished for telling part of what happened in the bathroom, and didn’t get the chance to tell the full story. He’ll walk away thinking what he did was wrong, but what happened was OK. The parent should have said something like, “Tell me more about that. What happened in the bathroom?”

Well-meaning adults often believe and say that when a child tells, things will get better. Unfortunately, that’s not usually the truth – things can become worse. Parents respond with anger, horror, shock… disbelief. The child may be in trouble – for not telling about it sooner, for “participating” in the abuse, or making up such an awful lie. There may be family discord and/or family break-up. The offender may be arrested, the children may be taken into protective custody, and some of the things the offender threatened the child with may come true. There may be interviews, a medical exam, and question after question after question – for many of which the child doesn’t have an answer. A child may wish it would all go away, and may agree to almost anything just to make things back the way they were before she told.

What should a parent say to a child when a child tells?

I believe you.

You did the right thing.

You’re not in trouble.

Thank you for telling me about it.

I’m sorry this happened to you.

I’ll protect you.

I won’t let this happen anymore.

What if the parent doesn’t believe their child? Doesn’t think the child did the right thing? Or doesn’t know if they can protect their child from it ever happening again? These questions are exactly the reason an education program is so important for all parents of children who have been sexually abused.

Parents are perhaps the most critical factor in the healing process of a child victim of sexual abuse, and they deserve accurate and timely information, understanding and compassion, and time. They need time to heal, time to learn, and time to gain an understanding of all that happened to their child.

Next Steps • Part 5: Grooming Strategies

35

What to Do If You Suspect Grooming Don’t expect children to keep themselves safe from sexual abuse. It can be a difficult task even for adults.

•

Trust your “gut feeling” and act on it. You don’t have to wait for a child to be sexually abused to take action!

•

Listen for statements or questions from your child that support your suspicions.

•

Encourage your child to tell you more about the time he or she spends with that person.

•

Assert yourself between your child and the groomer.

•

Tell the groomer you won’t allow questionable behavior to continue. (This may be difficult or embarrassing, but it can prevent your child from being sexually abused).

•

Let the groomer know by your words and your actions that your child is not going to be an easy target because you are paying attention to everything.

•

Pay attention to everything!

•

Be willing to stop all contact between your child and the groomer, even if it makes you the “bad guy.”

•

Explain your actions and words to your child as a personal safety skill.

•

Talking regularly with children about personal safety skills helps kids become more aware of their environment. They’ll learn to recognize and trust their own “gut feelings.”

36

Next Steps • Part 5: Grooming Strategies

Redefining a Parent’s View of the Offender Statistics indicate that children are usually sexually assaulted by someone their parents know, like and trust. In working with families, we observe that statistic playing out time and time again. Parents are consistently surprised, shocked, and dismayed when they find out their child is a victim of sexual assault.

Never have I heard a parent remark, “Yes, I expected this to happen to my child.” Second to finding out it is indeed their child, is the shock and dismay they feel when finding out the identity of the offender: A spouse or partner, a family member, their other child, a close friend, someone they knew and trusted.

That shock and dismay can take on the face of denial and utter disbelief. Over time, the emotions should move to the position of belief and understanding that: The offender is a Sex Offender, the Sexual Abuse Was a Choice Behavior, and the Offender Knew It Was Wrong but Did It Anyway.

To help parents get to that place of understanding, the Educator should review with the parent the techniques the offender utilized in abusing their child.

1. Identify the victim and the offender.

2. Review their roles within the family or community.

3. Identify positive and negative personality and character traits of the offender.

4. Identify how these were used to groom adults and children.

5. Identify and review the grooming techniques the offender tried on the adults.

Which ones were successful, which ones weren’t, and why or why not?

6. Identify and review ways the offender manipulated the adults.

7. Identify and review ways the offender manipulated the victim.

8. Identify and review ways the offender tried to keep the secret.

9. Identify and review explanations, excuses and lies the offender told when the child disclosed.

10. Identify and review ways the offender has continued to try to manipulate parents, family members, community members and professionals.

Once the parent has redefined their view of the offender, they may experience grief, shame, guilt, or sadness. They may feel great discomfort and want to move on quickly. It can be important for the process as a whole, and for long-term understanding, to continue to revisit the information acquired in this session throughout your time with them.

Next Steps • Part 5: Grooming Strategies

37

Family Loyalties So often, the offender is a member of the victim’s family – or a close enough friend that they’re considered to be part of the family. It can be devastating to hear that someone you love, trusted, married, gave birth to, raised, or had a positive relationship with, has sexually abused a child. In fact, it can be easier – and more comforting – to think or believe the child is mistaken or lied, than it is to believe that the other person is a child molester. Family members begin to take sides, some supporting and protecting the child, others the offender. Feelings of anger and betrayal can divide families, destroy relationships, and cause long term pain and distrust.

Family loyalties play out differently, depending on the relationship between the victim and the offender.

Here are some examples of offender/victim relationships, and the problems that occur: When the victim is a child or adolescent and the offender is a: •

Parent: When parents are married to each other, the non-offending parent may initially be in shock and denial. Rather than believing their child is lying, they may believe, “There must be some kind of mistake. This can’t be happening…” It can be very difficult to believe the person with whom you’ve been intimate has been molesting your child. If/when the offending parent must leave the home, there may be a loss of income, altering the family’s standard of living and often requiring the family to move. Child care arrangements may be changed, and vacations, birthdays and holidays are impacted by one parent’s absence. Other children in the home may be angry at the victim for “making” one parent leave. Sometimes non-victim children still visit the offending parent, causing further anger and separation between the siblings. Grandparents and other extended family members may take sides, often with words and actions that are harmful to the child victims.

When the offender is a parent, but not married to the non-offending parent, some of the dynamics are quite different. Family members and the community often jump to the conclusion that the accusations of sexual abuse stem from a custody dispute. Visitations with the accused parent become a heated issue, bringing to the forefront the court ordered Parenting Plan, Protection Orders, the police investigation, CPS, and which one of these entities overrule the others. Other children in the family, who have not disclosed sexual abuse, may or may not be continuing visitation. If visitations with them do continue, the offending parent may send intimidating, threatening, or manipulative messages to the victim child through the other kids, such as, “Daddy’s taking me to Disneyland. He said you can go too if you take back what you said about him.”

•

38

Stepparent/Parent’s Partner: One of the first questions to arise when an allegation of sexual abuse has been made against a stepparent is, “Are you sure the kid isn’t making it up because she wants you to get back together with her dad?” Or, “Are you sure he’s not just mad at his step-mom because he got in trouble last week for not doing his homework?” There is an almost automatic assumption that children make up stories about sexual abuse to get back at a parent’s partner. In many cases, the offender is the first to raise the question – echoing the thoughts of others who know him. The nonoffending partner is often torn by whom to believe. Facing another failed relationship is difficult and often unwelcome. The other biological parent most often blames the partner of the offender, and is absolutely certain that the abuse could have been prevented, and should have been identified much sooner. Child custody and placement often changes, sometimes temporarily and sometimes permanently. If the biological parent has additional children with the offender, those children may be placed differently, have different visitation allowances, and be under a completely different set of guidelines from the victim child.

Next Steps • Part 5: Grooming Strategies

•

Sibling: One of the hardest positions a parent can be put in is when they are the parent of both the victim and offender. Their loyalties are divided – they cannot simply stop loving and caring for one child – and if they could, which child would it be? We know that victims need parental support, belief, protection, time and energy. We also know that young offenders need parental support, time and energy to optimize treatment success and eventual family reunification. However, dividing that time, energy, and support is difficult at best. Usually, the offending child cannot be in the same home as their victim(s), and usually not in a home with any other children as well. That usually means either the offending child or the victim(s) must leave the home, and go… somewhere. Sometimes parents split up, with one parent staying in the home with the victim(s), and the other parent moving into another residence with the offender. In reality, operating and paying for two separate households is a very expensive, time consuming and complex solution. Other difficulties arise as well, such as school and church attendance, special occasions, birthdays, holidays, family vacations, and so on.

Guilt and anger also play a heavy handed role in sibling abuse. There can be anger toward the parents for involving “the system” (CPS and the criminal justice system) instead of handling the abuse as a “family matter.” Once parents discover how the system works, there is often guilt and anger toward themselves and each other – for not knowing about the abuse earlier, for using the system, for not using the system earlier, for parenting roles and practices.

Victim children often feel guilt and anger as well. They may have wanted the abuse to stop, but didn’t want or expect the fallout that happens afterward. They often want the offender to come back home, and miss them tremendously.

•

Step-sibling: “Your child did this to my child! He can never come back in our home!” “Your child is lying!

My son would never do this, and he’s welcome here as long as I’m here!” As with sibling abuse, parental loyalties are divided with step-siblings, but in this case the parents often become increasingly hostile toward each other even more than toward the other child. It is natural for each parent to come to the immediate strong defense and support of their own child. To the parents, it can seem that any help provided to one child is done at the expense of the other, with no middle ground possible.

Other children in the family can be caught in the middle, even becoming confused or fearful of doing something bad enough to be kicked out of the household like the offending child. It is not uncommon for families to break up in this situation.

•

Other Relative: When the offender is a relative of one parent, the other parent often holds that parent responsible for the offender’s behavior, causing a deep-seated anger between them. For example, in a family of two parents with young daughters, it was the mother’s brother who sexually abused the daughters. Although there was no known history of prior sexual abuse by this offender, the father of the girls was very angry with his wife because she “should have known” what her brother was capable of. The mother was beside herself with guilt, because the offender was her relative.

She too felt she should have known, but there had been no indication that her brother was a child molester. At the same time, her anger toward her husband grew because she needed his support and trust during this most difficult period.

Next Steps • Part 5: Grooming Strategies

39

When the offender is a relative, extended family members often take sides, some holding the offender responsible, others blaming the victim, the family, the circumstances and/or the system.

All in all, a parent’s response to their child is impacted by their relationship to the offender, just as the victim’s impact is affected by their relationship with the offender. The impact on both close and extended family members is profound. In all cases, adults must prioritize the safety and well being of the victim(s) and all other children in the families.

40

Next Steps • Part 5: Grooming Strategies

Part 6

Discipline After Abuse

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

41

42

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

Next Steps Part 6 - Discipline after Abuse When parents learn of their child’s sexual abuse they are usually overwhelmed with emotion – often conflicting emotion.

•

Guilt for not knowing about the abuse and for their relationship with/to the offender

•

Sadness for the child’s loss of innocence and the potential legal ramifications for the offender

•

Anger at the offender for doing it and at the victim for not telling sooner

•

Horror at the thought of their child being involved in the legal system and upon finding out the possible maximum sentence for the offender

•

Grief for the unavoidable changes in the family and in the victim – even when the offender is not a member of the family

•

Sympathy for the child victim and for the offender

•

Fear of upsetting the victim by talking about the abuse, yet knowing that it is important to end the silence

•

Physical affection for the victim or no physical contact at all

Given the wide variety of normal emotional responses, it is no wonder that parents and caregivers struggle with normal limit setting, boundaries, and discipline strategies appropriate for the sexually abused child and adolescent. It is important to remember that, depending on the child’s age, the offender used grooming to drive a wedge between the victim and non-offending parents and caregivers. The offender may have portrayed the victim as a liar, troublemaker, sneaky, spoiled, manipulative, sexualized, physically aggressive, and/or manipulative. At the same time, that offender portrayed non-offending caregivers as uncaring, judgmental, vindictive, emotionally weak, ignorant, old-fashioned, unavailable, and/or unable to love the victim. The result can be a very broken relationship between the victim and those caregivers critical to the healing process.

The first step in discipline is mending and nurturing the relationships. It’s not up to the victim to make the first move, or to “understand” what the adult caregivers are going through emotionally. It is the adults’ responsibility to work at growing or rebuilding a positive relationship with a sexually abused child or adolescent. In doing so, positive verbal communication is a great place to start.

Parents often say they “don’t know what to say” to a sexually abused child or adolescent. The only thing that comes to mind is questions, questions, questions: How was your day? How are you feeling? Why didn’t you tell me? What were you thinking? Is there anything else you haven’t told me? Do you want him to go to jail? Although the parent may really want to know the answers to these questions, they don’t do a lot for nurturing the relationship. Instead, here are some strategies for positive communication.

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

43

PRIDE Skills

Language to Encourage Positive Parent-Child Relationships Skill

Reason

Examples

Praise appropriate behavior.

Use labeled praises.

• Causes the behavior to increase.

• Lets the child know what you like.

• Increases child’s self esteem. (they believe what you say) • Adds warmth to the relationship.

• Makes both parent and child feel good!

• That’s terrific counting!

• I like the way you’re playing so quietly.

• You have wonderful ideas for this picture.

• I’m proud of you for being polite.

• You are a great builder!

• I like playing with you.

Reflect appropriate talk.

This is the skill that gets kids to talk!

• Doesn’t control the conversation.

• Shows child you’re really listening.

• Demonstrates acceptance and understanding of the child.

• Improves child’s speech.

• Increases verbal communication.

• Child: I made a star.

• Parent: Yes, you made a star.

• Child: The camel gots bumps on top.

• Parent: It has two bumps on its back.

• Child: I like playing with this castle.

• Parent: This castle is fun to play with.

Imitate appropriate play.

Depending on your child, you may imitate exactly or with similarity.

• Lets the child lead.

• Approves child’s choice of play.

• Shows child you are involved.

• Teaches child how to play with others. (e.g., basis of taking turns) • Tends to increase child’s imitation of what you do.

Child: I’m putting baby to bed.

Parent: I’ll put sister to bed too.

Child: I’m making a sun in the sky.

Parent: I’m going to put a sun in my picture too.

Describe appropriate behavior.

States what the child is doing right.

What to do when you don’t know what to do – Describe!

• • • • • • •

• • • •

Allows the child to lead.

Shows child you’re interested.

Teaches concepts.

Models speech.

Holds child’s attention.

Organizes child’s thoughts.

Can distract a child from less desirable activities.

You’re making a tower.

You drew a smiling face.

You’re taking it apart.

You’re making the tallest building in the world!

• You’re taking all the trucks out of the box so you can find wheels for my car.

Enthusiasm

• Demonstrates interest in child. • Making eye contact.

• Models appropriate positive • Animated facial expressions. emotions.

• Using sound effects.

• Supports positive statements. • Excited voice tone.

• Strengthens positive • “Wow!” “That’s great!”

relationship.

Adapted from Parent-Child Interaction Therapy by Toni L. Hembree-Kigin & Cheryl Bodiford McNeil, 1995

44

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

PLAIN Talk with Adolescents

Language to Encourage Positive Parent-Teen Relationships Skill

Reason

Examples

Praise • Tell them what you like about them.

• Find something positive about them every day.

• For every negative remark, provide 10 positive statements about them.

• Causes the behavior to increase.

• Lets the teen know what is important to you.

• Increases teen’s self esteem. (they believe what you say) • Adds warmth to your relationship.

• Makes both parent and adolescent feel good.

• Thank you for being kind to your brother. He really looks up to you.

• I love your smile.

• You do that very well.

• I’m proud of you.

• You have my support.

• I like being with you.

• Thank you for your help yesterday.

Listen • Listen without interruption first, and then comment using their words and/or ideas.

• Do not rush to solving the problem for them.

• This is the skill that gets teens to talk with you.

• Allows teen to control the conversation.

• Shows you’re really listening.

• Demonstrates acceptance and desire to understand the teen’s life and the situation.

• Avoids judgment.

• Increases communication.

• Develops trust.

• • • •

Attitude • Ignore their bad attitude as much as possible.

• A bad attitude is often teen’s undeveloped way of dealing with disappointment, frustration, and self-doubt.

• Pretend you didn’t hear it, and it quickly loses impact.

• Focusing on the attitude may overlook the real problem.

• Attitude is often a sign of important emotional distress.

• Bad attitude is almost a rite of passage for teens. They try it, but discard it if it doesn’t work.

• Parent: Dinner is almost ready.

Please set the table.

• Teen: You’re always telling me what to do.

• Parent: (ignore attitude) Thanks for your help. In return, I’ll help you with the dishes after dinner.

Initiate conversation.

• Depending on the age of your teen, topics may vary.

• This is a good time to talk about health, safety, goals, dreams, standards, and expectations.

• Lets the teen know you care.

• Shows teen you are interested in their daily life and their future.

• Provides an opportunity for praise.

• Tends to increase teen’s consideration towards others.

• Good teaching opportunity.

• Teen: Only one year until I can get my driver’s license.

• Parent: You’re right, and now is a good time to start talking about the responsibilities of driving a car.

• Teen: Janelle has a new boyfriend.

• Parent: I’d like to hear your thoughts about that.

Negotiate rather than saying “No” if possible.

• Teens will both succeed and fail, but there are great opportunities for them to learn from their mistakes.

• Don’t rush to punish – use this as a teachable moment.

• Recognizes teen’s growth and developing maturity.

• Develops time-management skills.

• Models appropriate positive emotions and proactive language.

• Demonstrates healthy relationship.

• Provides opportunities for success.

• Allows them to fail, but try again.

• Teen: After practice, I want to go to the mall and the football game.

• Parent: You have chores to finish.

• Teen: Can’t I do them tomorrow?

• Parent: We’ll compromise.

Complete two of your chores before the game and you can wait until tomorrow to do the final one.

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

Teen: This was a bad day.

Parent: I can tell it was rough.

Teen: This is too much homework!

Parent: Sometimes teachers do assign a lot of homework.

• Teen: My curfew is too early.

• Parent: OK, let’s talk about your curfew.

45

Parents often describe feeling a loss of control in their household after there has been a disclosure of sexual abuse. Now that they are aware of the abuse, they aren’t sure what they should change or what should stay the same. Should they go back to “life as usual” or should they be catering to the whims of the known victim(s)? Bedtime or no bedtime? Chores or no chores? Homework or no homework? It can be a relief to find out that, as much as possible, everyday life should go back to the way it was before people knew about the abuse. Children need to know and experience that everything in life didn’t crash when the sexual abuse was disclosed. There is a sense of comfort, safety and security in the way things used to be. Bedtime is the same. Chores and responsibilities – still have to do them. Homework – there’s no getting out of that either. Children WILL misbehave – they are still children after all, but parental expectations should remain fairly consistent.

It’s important that parents and adult caregivers understand the emotional, developmental, and physical needs of the children in their care. Having this foundation will help them to gain an understanding of age-appropriate behavior and expectations. Above all, it will give parents the ability and confidence to effectively recognize a child’s misbehavior, extinguish it, and replace it with desired behavior, all the while maintaining a sense of order and well-being.

Ground Rules for Parents •

No hitting, swatting, slapping, kicking, pushing, etc. allowed – ever! WHY?

•

Only establish rules you can and will enforce

•

Only give a consequence you can will follow through with

•

Be consistent

•

Have realistic expectations

46

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

Realistic Expectations Parents will drive themselves and their children “crazy” if the expectations they have of their child are either too high or too low. While every child will grow and develop at his or her own rate, there are some general guidelines parents and educators can use to help gauge whether a child is within the general range of “normal.” Several developmental guideline handouts are provided for this section, addressing physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of children ranging from birth to 18 years old.

One thing to remember – just about every parent believes their child is “smart”, “gifted”, or “advanced for their age.” Some children certainly are above average in one or more areas of development. It should not be up to the educator to identify these in a positive or negative way. Rather, it is the educator’s role to help parents learn what “average” looks like, so expectations can be adjusted accordingly.

It is important for parents to realize (acknowledge and accept) that their children WILL misbehave at least one time. Not only is it OK, it is also healthy for them to do so. Children don’t always know the rules. As they grow, they need to explore their surroundings to find out what makes things work, how they can interact with the world, and how they fit in with everything else. At the same time, it is very important for parents to provide them with guidelines, rules and consequences.

Children learn differently. Some will sit back and watch, learning through observation. Others learn kinesthetically. These children have to touch, hold, taste, smell and try everything because they learn through all of their senses. Some children can be told the stove is hot and they won’t touch it. Other children have to see for themselves, and will immediately make attempts to touch the stove. The educator can help parents identify the primary learning style each child uses, and come up with strategies that fit each particular child.

Discipline We often think of discipline as being what parents do when a child misbehaves. However, discipline is not the same as punishment. Discipline should be a combination of teaching, guidance, attention and consequences, given to a child on a regular basis, to help them grow to be healthy, independent and competent adults.

Effective discipline should be a combination of positive daily interactions and timely consequences.

Teaching and guidance should come before and after a child misbehaves. Consequences should be natural, logical, and should always fit the misdeed.

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

47

Common Punishment Practices There are many common punishment techniques used by parents and adults worldwide. From timeout to spanking, shaming to shunning, these and other methods have been used to get children to do what parents expect of them. Some practices are cultural, some generational, others weave in and out of popularity as societal standards and norms shift. Overall however, discipline practices tend to be traditional, passed from parent to child through time.

Examples: •

Yelling

•

Threats

•

Shaming

•

Time-out

•

Negotiation

•

Restrictions

•

Taking away privileges

•

Corporal (physical: spanking, slapping, hitting)

•

Ignoring

•

Giving up and doing nothing

48

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

Understanding Behavior Understanding why children do what they do can help to alleviate some parental stress arising from children’s misbehavior. A child is not simply a “bad kid” – but they may get into the habit of bad behavior.

Most behavior falls into one of four categories; Attention, Power, Revenge, and Displays of Inadequacy.

We’ll look at each of these separately.

Attention: This can also be called interaction. Children need attention from and interaction with the adults around them, and they’ll do whatever they have to do to get it. Positive attention takes the form of talking, listening, playing, walking, singing, reading, cooking and other similar activities done with the child. There is shared interaction, usually combined with caring words and gestures, learning, and feelings of happiness. The child’s need for attention is fulfilled and the adult feels good about what has taken place.

When there is a shortage or lack of positive attention, negative attention will fill the void. The child will behave in ways that annoy or bother the adult in order to get some kind of reaction (attention and interaction) from the adult. The child’s attention-seeking behaviors may include running, yelling, cursing, hitting, pushing, or destruction of property. These behaviors will elicit a response (attention) from nearby adults. That response may include talking, yelling, threatening, hitting, chasing, time-out, or other “discipline” methods. In this scenario, the child again has the need for attention fulfilled, but the adult ends up feeling bad about what has taken place.

A conclusion can be drawn that when adults fulfill a child’s need for attention through positive interaction, everyone ends up feeling good about it, and there is shared joy and happiness in each other’s company.

Power: Power is a form of control and there are times kids want to be in control; or to be in charge. They want to be in charge of you, of themselves, of the situation, of their lives and your life and everything that happens during the day. The one with the *power* is usually the one who gets to make all the decisions – and who doesn’t want to be in that position? The problem with kids being the ones with the power? They (usually) don’t have the age, wisdom, or experience to adequately make decisions that are best for everyone.

Power is displayed through anger, physical or verbal aggression, active or inactive refusal to comply, or by ignoring those in authority and doing “whatever they want to do.” The child’s behavior evokes feelings of anger or frustration, and sometimes fear, in adults because they believe their authority has been threatened or challenged. Adults tend to respond either by arguing and fighting – which intensifies the child’s misbehavior, or by giving in – which teaches the child to fight against authority to get their way. In responding to children’s desire for power, a two-part approach should be taken. The first is to be pro-active by giving children choices when appropriate. “Would you like cereal or eggs for breakfast?” “You can wear your blue shirt or the green shirt today.” “We’re going to do the dishes. Would you like to wash or dry?” Offering children choices, when appropriate, gives them a feeling of control in what they do. It also gives them skill in evaluating options and making good decisions. The second part is to avoid power struggles all together. Once a decision is made or a direction given and the child begins to argue or refuse, avoid the temptation to negotiate, explain, argue or further discuss the issue. These are manipulation techniques that indicate the “power” is up for grabs. Instead, verbally withdraw from the conflict. Physically withdrawing – walking away from the situation – can be done as well. Just remember to be consistent, and stand by your decisions.

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

49

Revenge: Revenge behavior often happens when the child believes he has been treated unfairly or mistreated in some way. The child tries to get back at the adult with words or actions that are hurtful. “I hate you!” “You’re stupid!” “I don’t want to live here anymore!” These words are powerful, and the hurt can go deep. The response for parents is simple yet can be difficult. First, choose NOT to let the words hurt.

Let them flow off like water, letting none of them be absorbed. Second, DO NOT retaliate or punish by slinging insults and hurtful words back to the child. Children are still learning the ways of the world, and this is the perfect opportunity for parents to respond with positive, caring and loving words and actions, to build and reinforce the parent/child relationship.

Displaying Inadequacy: Early in the process, it can be difficult to identify displays of inadequacy in children as true misbehavior. These children quietly refuse to do what is required of them. They may play deaf, ignore, or conveniently “forget” what they were told to do, or become engaged in another activity. Whatever the strategy, the end result is that someone else ends up doing the task for them.

These children are generally discouraged or have a negative self-image. Adults can best help them by providing abundant encouragement and opportunities for success. There also must be consistent follow-through on the part of the adults, ensuring that the child is completing required tasks.

50

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

Discipline Techniques Goal: Extinguish and Replace (extinguish negative behaviors, replace with positive) •

Positive Reinforcement: Acknowledge and praise your child for things they do right. When you praise something a child does, they will want to do it again. (Example: “Nice job of walking to the table.” “Thank you for keeping your bottom in the chair during dinner. You have such nice manners.”)

•

Diversion and Distraction: At the early stage of a child’s misbehavior, their attention can often be diverted to something positive. The trick is to catch it early, and distract them with something they’ll find interesting, fun or entertaining. (Example: It’s bedtime, and the child begins whining to stay up longer. Parent responds with, “I wonder which book I should read to you tonight. I think I’ll see if I can find ‘The Cat in the Hat’. I wonder what book you’ll choose.”)

•

Positive Communication: When a child misbehaves, tell them what TO DO, rather than what NOT TO DO. When a child is behaving defiantly, they will naturally refuse what you tell them not to do.

Phrasing the direction positively lets them know what you expect of them, and allows them to comply quickly and earn your praise. (Example: Child is yelling. “Please use your quiet voice.” Child responds in a quieter voice. “Thank you for using your quiet voice. That sounds so much better when we’re inside.” Child is jumping on the bed. “Please put your head on your pillow.” Child puts her head on her pillow. “Thank you for putting your head on your pillow. Now I can read you a story.”)

•

PRIDE Skills: Praise, Reflect, Imitate, Describe – all with Enthusiasm.

•

Praise: State something the child is doing right.

•

Reflect: Repeat (or paraphrase) the child’s words back to them. This lets them know you were listening, increases communication, and increases their sense of self-awareness.

•

Imitate: Copy the child’s (positive) actions. This lets them know when they’re doing something right, boosts their self-esteem, and allows them to teach the parent something new.

•

Describe: Talk about what the child is doing (positively). This lets the child know they have the parent’s attention, again lets them know what they are doing right, and increases a child’s vocabulary and language skills.

•

Enthusiasm: Have fun with the child, and let them know you’re enjoying their company!

These skills are positive forms of communicating with a child. They are designed to let a child know they are heard, know when they are doing something “right,” build their self-esteem, and build a positive relationship with the parent.

•

Consistency: This is the key to any discipline strategy. From birth they experience the relationship between action and reaction. “When I cry, somebody holds and comforts me.” They learn to connect scents with voices and faces. As their experience with action/reaction grows, they become secure and develop a sense of safety and well-being. The quickest way for a child to learn is through repetition – another term for consistency. Rules should be the same today as they were yesterday and will be tomorrow.

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

51

•

Selective / Strategic Ignoring: Consistently ignoring a behavior that is simply annoying can be an effective way to get a child to discontinue it. When ignoring, it is important that as soon as the child stops the annoying behavior, the parent immediately responds with positive attention and interaction for something else. (Example: Child is whining. Parent ignores child completely. The child gets bored with it and moves on to playing with Legos. The parent immediately responds with, “Wow, you’re building something really cool with those Legos. You’re the best builder I’ve ever seen!”) Remember, a child is looking for attention and interaction with the parent. Give lots of it when they are doing something good!

•

Time-out: The secret to a successful time-out is that it be boring to the child. It is done best in a chair placed in a corner of a room that has no TV, toys, or other children. No one should talk to or make eye-contact with the child in time-out. All attention should be directed to something or someone other than the child. A good measure of time is one minute per year of age. If the child was sent to timeout for not doing (or refusing to do) a task, the task must be completed by the child as soon as time-out is completed. If the task is still not completed, full time-out should be done again.

•

Natural and/or Logical Consequences: Parents need not come up with a punishment for every misdeed or wrongdoing. Most often, the most effective “punishment” is the natural consequence that occurs following the misbehavior. (Example: Parent tells the child to bring their library book in from outdoors. The child says OK, but forgets to do it. It rains, and the library book is ruined. Parent says, “You’ll have to pay for the library book with your own money.” Parent reminds the child to bring money when they go to the library so the book can be paid for.) No arguing, yelling or punishment needed. The results of the child not following the direction results in having to spend their own money on a ruined book.

52

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

Age Appropriate Discipline Strategies Infants: Infants should not be disciplined. They have no self-awareness or self-control, and have no way of expressing their needs. Babies can cry for hours, seemingly inconsolable. Combined with a lack of sleep, irritating, annoying or difficult behaviors can make some parents angry, frantic, disappointed, or resentful. The first defense is to check to see if baby is wet or hungry, too hot or too cold, or in an uncomfortable position. If their needs appear to be met, there are some simple techniques that can be used to help soothe a fussy baby, such as swaddling, infant massage, back-rubbing or patting, dimming lights, etc.

Toddlers (18 months to 3 years): Toddlers have learned that they have some (limited) choices in their behavior, and have learned how to say “No!” It’s common for them to do the opposite of what they’re told, or to respond with a resounding “No” and a shake of the head. They aren’t being purposefully willful or disobedient. Rather, they have discovered a sense of their autonomy and find great joy in expressing it. Developmentally, this is a positive step in their growth, although it can be frustrating at times.

Discipline Strategies: Positive reinforcement is highly effective with this age group. Children delight in pleasing those around them, and will want to repeat (over and over and over) behaviors that caused a positive reaction. During the more difficult moments (when the toddler is tired, hungry, irritable) diversion and distraction work wonders for keeping behavior in check.

Pre-school (3-5 years): Pre-school age children continue to react positively to positive reinforcement.

Continue to praise behavior you want them to repeat. They love and need their parent’s attention, and will do whatever they need to in order to have it. At this age they have a good grasp of cause and effect, so strategic ignoring is also effective. Time-out is also effective with pre-school age children.

Loss of privileges is NOT effective with this age group. Pre-school age children have not yet developed a concept of time, so taking away something that will happen in the future is meaningless to them at the time it is given. When the time finally does arrive that they realize the privilege is lost, they can’t relate the cause and effect (relating the misdeed to the loss of privilege).

School age (6-11 years): Most of these strategies are effective for adolescents, adapting language for the appropriate age Overriding Principle: Always try a Level I, non-confrontive strategy before resorting to time-out or other confrontive strategies.

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

53

Level I, Non-Confrontive Strategies 1. Nurture the Relationship Assess whether the child is receiving enough one-on-one time with parents or caregivers. Is the parent being consistent? Perhaps the child needs more time each day to decrease the anger and add warmth to the relationship. A happy child will engage in fewer disruptive or misbehaviors than an angry one.

2. Strategic Attention Define a behavior that is the opposite of the problem behavior (staying at the dinner table as opposed to running around). Then, provide attention, particularly in the form of labeled praise, to the opposite behavior. It is best to “catch” the child engaging in the opposite behavior before there is an opportunity to engage in the problem behavior.

3. Selective Ignoring Tactically ignore the disruptive behavior. This involves calling a conference with the child at a neutral time. During the conference, the disruptive behavior is carefully defined. (“When you ask me for something after I’ve said “No” in a high-pitched voice like this, it’s called whining”.) The parent explains to the child that every time the child engages in that behavior, the parent will turn away or walk away. The ignoring process is role-played with the child.

4. Distraction Briefly ignore the disruptive behavior while quickly distracting the child into a more positive behavior.

5. Model “Out-Loud” Set the example. Engage in the opposite positive behavior yourself while describing it out-loud for the child. (“I think I’m going to share all my toys with Sarah so that we can play together, it’s so much more fun when we can all play together.”) Don’t expect the child to always follow right away; your example will sink in over time.

6. Clear Instructions Give the child a reason. Then describe for the child specifically what you want to see or hear. Check to see that the child understands. Then show the child what you want by doing it yourself. Now practice the new behavior with the child. Tell the child what he/she did correctly and repeat the above steps for anything he/she did incorrectly. Give lots of praise and encouragement.

7. Change the Environment Particularly with young children, sometimes it’s better to change the environment than try to change their behavior. Lock up off-limits items, move the TV into a different room if it’s distracting them, bring interesting things in the car for a child who gets bored and starts to act up while riding, etc.

8. First/Then First/Then statements tell the child what you expect from them before other things can happen. (“First you must put away your blocks, then I will read you a story.”) Remain calm and follow through.

Use ignoring if you need to. Praise compliance or respectful behavior as soon as possible.

Adapted from Parent-Child Interaction Therapy by Toni L. Hembree-Kigin & Cheryl Bodiford McNeil, 1995

54

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

9. Token System Set up a token system to reinforce the child for progressive improvements. Find additional information on how to do this successfully.

10. Incompatible Commands Use positively-stated, incompatible commands to direct the child to a more appropriate behavior.

Labeled praises for the appropriate behavior must always follow compliance.

11. Overcorrection Overcorrection involves having the child engage in a more positive behavior, in an exaggerated or repeated manner (within reason), immediately following the disruptive behavior (i.e., the child runs across the room, so they must go back and walk very slowly). Positively stated, incompatible commands are used to direct the child in the overcorrection procedure and labeled praises reinforce compliance.

12. Contracts Develop a written behavioral contract. This is done by calling a conference at a neutral time. The disruptive or misbehavior is discussed with the child. The child’s input is solicited regarding reasons for the problem and possible solutions. A written contract is created which details the solutions generated by the parent and child. Both parent and child sign the contract. Usually the solutions involve some type of reward in exchange for the child taking charge of that behavior.

13. Parent Self and Situation Examination Carefully examine what is happening before, during, and after the behavior. Consider whether the parent is contributing to the problem through the use of negative attention, being inconsistent, backing the child into a corner, overreacting, having expectations that are too high, being vague about rules and consequences, not providing enough positive attention to the child, and/or setting the child up for failure. If the parent is contributing it is only fair that the parent change before asking the child to change.

14. Anticipate and Review For problems that occur in only particular situations, use a “think aloud/think ahead” approach. This involves anticipating the problem, reviewing the rules, and reviewing the incentives immediately before entering the problem situation. (“We’re going into the store now, remember, stay by the cart and keep your hands to yourself. If you do, you may choose a dessert for dinner tonight, otherwise we’ll leave the store without a dessert”.)

Adapted from Parent-Child Interaction Therapy by Toni L. Hembree-Kigin & Cheryl Bodiford McNeil, 1995

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

55

Level II, Confrontive Strategies 1. Logical Consequences Impose a consequence related to the disruptive or misbehavior. If they break something they pay for it or “work off” the debt. If they mistreat property, it is taken away for awhile. If they throw a tantrum at bedtime then they must go to bed 30 minutes earlier tomorrow night. A common error is to make the consequences too severe and time-consuming. Remember, the idea is for them to get a chance to do it right and earn your praise.

2. Family Rules Set up a family rule regarding a specific, well-defined behavior. Then consistently provide an immediate consequence for each infraction of the rule. Remember, any time a family rule is established, the parent must make a special effort to give labeled praises before the rule is broken.

3. Time-Out/Loss of Privilege Give a direct command, follow with a two-choices warning if needed. If the child complies then give a labeled praise. If the child does not comply, then follow through with time-out or loss of privilege.

Modified from “Guidelines for Handling Future Behavior Problems” by Cheryl B. McNeil, Ph.D. Boundary and Limit Setting Establishing personal boundaries and learning to respect the boundaries of others are critical skills for children, and adults, to learn. Boundaries provide safety and help to provide for the physical and emotional well-being of a child. It’s important for children and adults to understand appropriate boundaries as they relate to themselves, family members, friends, acquaintances, and strangers. Many of the boundaries we have are unspoken, but have been developed over time by our experiences, knowledge and culture. Some of the issues that have boundaries and limits are: touch, words, privacy, health, safety, and space.

There are similarities and differences in Adult vs. Child boundaries/limits. There are also differences depending on where we are and on the relationship between the people involved. There are even boundaries related to space: Bedrooms, homes, outdoor play areas, school, public places, and other people’s homes to name just a few.

Parents must set boundaries and limits for their child. During the early years, parents set all the limits, but as children grow older, they can establish some of their own. For the physically or sexually abused child, personal boundaries are blurred or distorted. It takes time and practice to relearn appropriate boundary setting.

Adapted from Parent-Child Interaction Therapy by Toni L. Hembree-Kigin & Cheryl Bodiford McNeil, 1995

56

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

Discipline in Practice •

Establish Family Rules (boundaries and limits) 33 Family Rules can include expectations as well as things that are not allowed.

(Examples: The family will eat dinner together every Sunday night. It is never OK to physically hurt another person.)

•

Reward Positive Behavior (positive reinforcement, PRIDE skills) 33 Rewards can be immediate; for example praising a child when they begin their homework at the pre-agreed upon time. Or rewards can be cumulative; for example letting the child rent a video Friday night after they have done their homework at the pre-agreed upon time every day that week. Rewards can be planned or done as a surprise, and they don’t need to be purchased items.

One of the best rewards can be time spent with the child.

•

Restrictions or Punishment (extinguish and replace) 33 Sometimes the appropriate and effective response to deliberate misbehavior is to restrict or remove the child’s privileges. For example, if the child is physically or verbally aggressive toward a friend or sibling, the privilege of TV or video games can be lost for a specific amount of time.

Just remember: Whatever restriction you set, you must be willing and able to follow through with it!! So if the parent tells the child, “You can’t play outside for a week!” they must be willing and able to prevent the child from playing outside for the entire 7 days – no matter how difficult or inconvenient it is for the parent (or the child)!

•

Choose Your Battles 33 Parents can’t expect children to have perfect behavior every minute of every day. Parents should choose their battles wisely – especially since there must be consistency in rules, rewards and consequences. How important is it that some of the crayons were put back in the box upside down? Is it worth the battle to have them all facing the same way? Or is it enough that the child did put them all back in the box, just as they were told to do?

•

Consistency 33 Again, consistency is the key to establishing or modifying any behavior.

•

Give Clear Directions 33 When telling a child what to do, it’s important that the directive be clear, concise, and that the child have the ability (skill and maturity) to succeed. State the directions positively, telling the child what TO DO.

Power Struggles - Parental Anger vs. Child Misbehavior

Studies indicate that parental anger is strongly related to the use of physical punishment. One study concluded that parents who yell often are the ones most likely to hit their children often (Hemenway, Solnick, and Carter 1994). In another study it was found that parents are twice as likely to hit their children when they experience high levels of anger (Heussen 1986). As parents learn new discipline styles and techniques, it is important to review their anger and stress levels to give them an accurate understanding of them. It can be helpful to administer to Parental Stress Index (PSI) to evaluate parental distress in relation to parenting. Teaching parents stress reduction strategies will benefit the adults and the children in the family. Some examples of those strategies include: Progressive muscle relaxation, journaling, physical exercise, “shelving” worries with a plan to deal with them at a specified time, meditating, and talking with a therapist.

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

57

Middle Childhood and Adolescent Development R. A. Ozretich, S. R. Bowman Children go through many changes during the period of rapid developmental growth known as adolescence. This chart lists characteristics of the “typical” child during each developmental stage from middle childhood through early and middle adolescence. Late adolescence (ages 18-21) is not addressed.

Individual differences in maturation rates, temperaments, and adult and social influences mean that age is not a definitive indicator of where a particular child is along this developmental continuum. The age at which biological changes due to puberty begin varies between 9 and 14 for boys and 8-13 for girls in the U.S. Children’s progression through these stages is determined not only by biological growth and change, but also by adult expectations and societal contexts. The following chart lists typical characteristics of children’s development within three general stages.

Area of Development

• Middle Childhood (Ages 8 – 11) • Early Adolescence (Ages 11 – 14) • Middle Adolescence (Ages 15 – 18)

58

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

Physical Growth • Period of uneven growth of bones, muscles, and organs can result in awkward appearance.

• Early onset of puberty can present difficulties for girls (see self-concept); for boys, it can result in adult expectations more appropriate for older boys.

• Since some adolescents begin puberty during middle childhood, children need access to information about sexuality and puberty prior to the middle-school years.

• Wide variation in onset of puberty and growth spurt, leading to earlier and later maturers.

• Appetite increases during growth spurts and decreases markedly between them.

• Increased need for sleep.

• Evident sexual development, voice changes, and increased body odor are common.

• Most youth have entered or completed puberty.

• Less variation in levels of growth and sexual development.

• Many youth have achieved their full adult height and other adult physical development milestones.

Cognitive Stage • Logical thinking with limited ability to extend logic to abstract concepts; disdain for imaginative and illogical thinking of early childhood.

• Accumulation of much general knowledge.

• Gradual development of ability to apply learned concepts to new tasks.

• Frequent interest in learning life skills (cooking, fixing things, etc.) from adults at home and elsewhere.

• Individual variation between some children who are still focused on logic and others who are able to combine logical and abstract thinking.

• Some early adolescents can’t think ahead to consequences of their actions.

• Developing new thinking skills, such as thinking more about possibilities, thinking more abstractly, thinking more about the process of thinking itself, thinking in multiple dimensions, and seeing things as relative rather than absolute.

• Practicing new thinking skills through humor and by arguing with parents and others.

• Use of humor focused on satire, sarcasm, and sex (often irritating to adults).

• Major broadening of thinking abilities for many youth: can think abstractly and hypothetically; can discern the underlying principles of various phenomena and apply them to new situations; and can think about the future, considering many possibilities and logical outcomes of possible events.

• Greater perspective-taking ability can result in increased empathy and concern for others, and new interest in societal issues for many.

Moral Development • Predominantly egocentric in thinking, although has developed a conscience.

• Moves from thinking in terms of “What’s in it for me” fairness (e.g., if you did this for me, I would do that for you), to wanting to gain social approval and live up to the expectations of people close to them--”golden rule” morality (can take perspective of others, may place needs of others over own self-interest).

• Moral thinking abilities not always reflected in children’s behaviors.

• Continuing egocentrism.

• Often believes self to be invulnerable to negative events.

• Increasing ability to take perspective of others into account with own perspective.

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

59

Adolescent Growth and Development Author: Angela Huebner, Assistant Professor and Extension Specialist, Family and Child Development, Virginia Tech Publication Number 350-850, posted March 2000 Adolescence is a time of many transitions both for teens and their families. To ensure that teens and adults navigate these transitions successfully, it is important for both to understand what is happening to the teen physically, cognitively, and socially; how these transitions affect teens; what adults can do; and what support resources are available. As you read the following information, keep in mind that while all teens develop, they don’t all follow the same timeline.

I. Physical Development What Is It? During the teen years, adolescents experience changes in their physical development at a rate of speed unparalleled since infancy. Physical development includes: •

Rapid gains in height and weight. During a one-year growth spurt, boys and girls can gain an average of 4.1 inches and 3.5 inches in height respectively. This spurt typically occurs two years earlier for girls than for boys. Weight gain results from increased muscle development in boys and body fat in girls.

•

Development of secondary sex characteristics. During puberty, changing hormonal levels play a role in activating the development of secondary sex characteristics. These include: (1) growth of pubic hair; (2) menarche (first menstrual period for girls) or penis growth (for boys); (3) voice changes (for boys); (4) growth of underarm hair; (5) facial hair growth (for boys); and (6) increased production of oil, increased sweat gland activity, and the beginning of acne.

•

Continued brain development. Recent research suggests that teens’ brains are not completely developed until late in adolescence. Specifically, studies suggest that the connections between neurons affecting emotional, physical and mental abilities are incomplete. This could explain why some teens seem to be inconsistent in controlling their emotions, impulses, and judgments.

60

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

How Do These Changes Affect Teens?

•

Teens frequently sleep longer. Research suggests that teens actually need more sleep to allow their bodies to conduct the internal work required for such rapid growth. On average, teens need about 9 1/2 hours of sleep a night.

•

Teens may be clumsier because of growth spurts. If it seems to you that teens’ bodies are all arms and legs then your perception is correct. During this phase of development, body parts don’t all grow at the same rate. This can lead to clumsiness as the teen tries to cope with limbs that seem to have grown overnight. Teens can appear gangly and uncoordinated.

•

Teenage girls may become overly sensitive about their weight. This concern arises because of the rapid weight gain associated with puberty. Sixty percent of adolescent girls report that they are trying to lose weight. A small percentage of adolescent girls (1-3%) become so obsessed with their weight that they develop severe eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa or bulimia. Anorexia nervosa refers to starvation; bulimia refers to binge eating and vomiting.

•

Teens may be concerned because they are not physically developing at the same rate as their peers.

Teens may be more developed than their peers (“early-maturers”) or less developed than their peers (“late-maturers”). Being out of developmental “step” with peers is a concern to adolescents because most just want to fit in. Early maturation affects boys and girls differently. Research suggests that early maturing boys tend to be more popular with peers and hold more leadership positions. Adults often assume that early maturing boys are cognitively mature as well. This assumption can lead to false expectations about a young person’s ability to take on increased responsibility. Because of their physical appearance, early maturing girls are more likely to experience pressure to become involved in dating relationships with older boys before they are emotionally ready. Early maturing girls tend to suffer more from depression, eating disorders, and anxiety.

•

Teens may feel awkward about demonstrating affection to the opposite sex parent. As they develop physically, teens are beginning to rethink their interactions with the opposite sex. An adolescent girl who used to hug and kiss her dad when he returned home from work may now shy away. A boy who used to kiss his mother good night may now wave to her on his way up the stairs.

•

Teens may ask more direct questions about sex. At this stage, adolescents are trying to figure out their sexual values. Teens often equate intimacy with sex. Rather than exploring a deep emotional attachment first, teens tend to assume that if they engage in the physical act, the emotional attachment will follow. They may ask questions about how to abstain without becoming embarrassed or about how they will know when the time is right. They may also have specific questions about methods of birth control and protection from sexually transmitted diseases.

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

61

What Can You Do? Knowledge about what changes and behaviors during adolescence are normal can go a long way in helping both teens and adults manage the transition successfully. There are also some specific things adults can do to be supportive: •

Don’t criticize or compare the teens to others. Teens are already acutely self-conscious about the way they look. They don’t need you to point it out to them.

•

Encourage teens to get enough sleep. Realize they may need an extra boost in getting out of bed for school. Try to be understanding when teens want to sleep until noon on Saturday.

•

Encourage and model healthy eating habits. Keep plenty of nutritious foods in the house. Remember that teens need to take in more calories to fuel their growth. Monitor eating habits accordingly.

•

Encourage and model physical activity. Exercise will help teens burn excess energy, strengthen developing muscles, and sleep better at night. It may also help teens become more comfortable in their changing bodies.

•

Provide honest answers to teens about sex. Teens are in search of knowledge on this subject. If adults do not provide accurate information, teens are forced to rely on their peers or other potentially inaccurate sources. Unfortunately, such erroneous information is often to blame when teens make poor decisions.

•

Be understanding of their need for physical space. Do not take it personally if your teen is not as physically affectionate as he or she was in the past. Do not force your teen to hug or kiss relatives or family friends. Maintain communication, but respect teens’ need to withdraw.

•

Be patient with excessive grooming habits. Teens often spend large amounts of time grooming themselves and obsessing over skin care products. Often, this behavior merely reflects teens’ attempts to maintain some sense of control over their rapidly changing bodies.

II. Cognitive Development: What Is It? Most adults recognize that teens have better thinking skills than younger youth. These advances in thinking can be divided into several areas: •

Developing advanced reasoning skills. Advanced reasoning skills include the ability to think about multiple options and possibilities. It includes a more logical thought process and the ability to think about things hypothetically. It involves asking and answering the question, “what if...?”

•

Developing abstract thinking skills. Abstract thinking means thinking about things that cannot be seen, heard, or touched. Examples include things like faith, trust, beliefs and spirituality.

•

Developing the ability to think about thinking in a process known as “meta-cognition.” Meta-cognition allows individuals to think about how they feel and what they are thinking. It involves being able to think about how one is perceived by others. It can also be used to develop strategies, also known as mnemonic devices, for improving learning. Remembering the notes on the lines of a music staff (e, g, b, d, and f) through the phrase “every good boy does fine” is an example of such a mnemonic device.

62

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

How Do These Changes Affect Teens?

•

Teens demonstrate a heightened level of self-consciousness. Teens tend to believe that everyone is as concerned with their thoughts and behaviors as they are. This leads teens to believe that they have an “imaginary audience” of people who are always watching them.

•

Teens tend to believe that no one else has ever experienced similar feelings and emotions. They may become overly dramatic in describing things that are upsetting to them. They may say things like “You’ll never understand,” or “My life is ruined!”

•

Teens tend to exhibit the “it can’t happen to me” syndrome also known as a “personal fable.” This belief causes teens to take unnecessary risks like drinking and driving (“I won’t crash this car”), having unprotected sex (“I can’t possibly get pregnant”), or smoking (“I can’t possibly get cancer”).

•

Teens tend to become very cause-oriented. Their activism is related to the ability to think about abstract concepts. After reading about cruelty to animals a teen may become a vegetarian and a member of “People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals” (P.E.T.A.). Another teen may become active in “Green Peace” or “Save the Whales” campaigns.

•

Teens tend to exhibit a “justice” orientation. They are quick to point out inconsistencies between adults’ words and their actions. They have difficulty seeing shades of gray. They see little room for error.

What Can You Do? •

Don’t take it personally when teens discount your experience. Try to empathize with and listen to their concerns. Enlist the help of a slightly older sibling or friend to give good advice to the teen if needed.

•

Get teens involved in discussing their behavioral rules and consequences. Teens should take a more active role in determining how they should behave. Their advanced reasoning skills make it easier for them to generate realistic consequences for their actions. Listen to their ideas!

•

Provide opportunities for teens to participate in controlled risky behavior. Get teens involved in properly supervised extreme sports, such as parachuting, or rock climbing. Such activities will allow teens opportunities to play out their “it can’t happen to me” mentality in an environment that won’t be deadly if they fail.

•

Provide opportunities for teens to get involved in community service. Teens want to become active in things that have deeper meaning. Suggest they volunteer at a homeless shelter, walk dogs for the animal shelter, or take meals to the elderly. Talk with them about their experiences.

•

Talk to teens about their views and be open to discussing your own. Find out what they think about news stories on television or in the paper; ask them about their political and spiritual beliefs. Teens are already thinking about these things so give them a non-threatening forum for discussing them.

Try to build a genuine relationship with your teen. Let them know what you were like as a teen. Talk to them about your mistakes and vulnerabilities. Try to understand their feelings and express yours so you can be understood.

•

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

63

III. Psycho-Social Development What Is It? There are five recognized psychosocial issues that teens deal with during their adolescent years. These include: •

Establishing an identity. This has been called one of the most important tasks of adolescents. The question of “who am I” is not one that teens think about at a conscious level. Instead, over the course of the adolescent years, teens begin to integrate the opinions of influential others (e.g. parents, other caring adults, friends, etc.) into their own likes and dislikes. The eventual outcome is people who have a clear sense of their values and beliefs, occupational goals, and relationship expectations.

People with secure identities know where they fit (or where they don’t want to fit) in their world.

•

Establishing autonomy. Some people assume that autonomy refers to becoming completely independent from others. They equate it with teen “rebellion.” Rather than severing relationships, however, establishing autonomy during the teen years really means becoming an independent and self-governing person within relationships. Autonomous teens have gained the ability to make and follow through with their own decisions, live by their own set of principles of right and wrong, and have become less emotionally dependent on parents. Autonomy is a necessary achievement if the teen is to become self-sufficient in society.

•

Establishing intimacy. Many people, including teens, equate intimacy with sex. In fact, intimacy and sex are not the same. Intimacy is usually first learned within the context of same-sex friendships, then utilized in romantic relationships. Intimacy refers to close relationships in which people are open, honest, caring and trusting. Friendships provide the first setting in which young people can practice their social skills with those who are their equals. It is with friends that teens learn how to begin, maintain, and terminate relationships, practice social skills, and become intimate.

•

Becoming comfortable with one’s sexuality. The teen years mark the first time that young people are both physically mature enough to reproduce and cognitively advanced enough to think about it. Given this, the teen years are the prime time for the development of sexuality. How teens are educated about and exposed to sexuality will largely determine whether or not they develop a healthy sexual identity. More than half of most high school students report being sexually active.

Many experts agree that the mixed messages teens receive about sexuality contribute to problems such as teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

•

Achievement. Our society tends to foster and value attitudes of competition and success. Because of cognitive advances, the teen years are a time when young people can begin to see the relationship between their current abilities and plans and their future vocational aspirations. They need to figure out what their achievement preferences are-what they are currently good at and areas in which they are willing to strive for success.

64

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

How Do These Changes Affect Teens?

•

Teens begin to spend more time with their friends than their families. It is within friendship groups that teens can develop and practice social skills. Teens are quick to point out to each other which behaviors are acceptable and which are not. It is important to remember that even though teens are spending increased amounts of time with their friends, they still tend to conform to parental ideals when it comes to decisions about values, education, and long-term plans.

•

Teens may have more questions about sexuality. They may ask about adults’ values and beliefs. They may ask how you knew it was time to have sex or why you waited.

•

Teens may begin to keep a journal. Part of achieving identity is thinking about one’s thoughts and feelings. Teens often begin journaling as a way of working through how they feel.

•

When they are in their rooms, teens may begin to lock their bedroom doors. Locking doors is a way to establish privacy. As long as teens continue to interact with the family, locked doors are usually nothing to worry about.

•

Teens may become involved in multiple hobbies or clubs. In an attempt to find out what they are good at, teens may try many activities. Teens’ interests also change quickly. Today they are into yoga, and tomorrow they are into soccer.

•

Teens may become elusive about where they are going or with whom. When asked what they’ll be doing for the evening, teens typically reply with “nothing” or “hanging out.” When asked whom they’ll be with, teens reply, “just some friends.”

•

Teens may become more argumentative. Teens may question adults’ values and judgments. When teens don’t get their way, they may say, “you just don’t understand.”

•

Teens may not want to be seen with parents in public. They may make parents drop them off a block from their friends’ houses or from school.

•

Teens may begin to interact with parents as people. Even though they may not want to be seen with parents in public, teens may begin to view parents more as people. They may ask more questions about how a parent was when he or she was a teen. They may attempt to interact with adults more as equals.

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

65

What Can You Do? •

Encourage involvement in multiple groups or activities both within school and after-school. Realize that teens are trying to gain a sense of achievement-a sense of being uniquely good at something.

Don’t get frustrated if they frequently change their minds. At the same time, encourage them to stick with a project or activity long enough to establish some skills.

•

Praise teens for their efforts as well as their abilities. This will help teens to stick with activities instead of giving up if they are not immediately successful.

•

Help teens explore career goals and options. Take teens to work so they can see what adults do.

Set up opportunities for them to “job shadow” others. Ask them questions about their future career goals. Remember that figuring out what they don’t want to do is just as important as figuring out what they like!

•

Give teens an opportunity to establish their behavioral guidelines and consequences. Allow teens to have input into curfew and other family rules. Their advanced cognitive skills coupled with their need for autonomy makes this a perfect time for them to provide suggestions and to demonstrate responsibility for their own behavior.

•

Establish rituals to mark significant passages. Few rituals in our modern society mark the passage of teens to adulthood. Have a mother-daughter luncheon when the daughter gets her first period.

Have a father-son outing when the son begins to shave. Have a family celebration when the teen moves from junior high to high school. Celebrate the teen’s first driver’s license and his or her ability to vote.

•

Be aware of who your teens’ friends are and what they are doing. Such parental monitoring should not end when youth enter their teen years. Despite teens’ objections, make sure you know who their friends are and where they are going. Meet the parents of teens’ friends. Provide fun things to do at home to encourage teens to “hang out” at your house so you’ll know where they are and what they are doing.

•

Continue to provide a structured environment. Teens should be allowed to have more independence, but not enough to place them in jeopardy. Despite their complaints, teens rely on adults to provide them with the sense of safety and structure they need to deal effectively with all the psychosocial tasks of adolescents.

66

Next Steps • Part 6: Discipline After Abuse

Part 7

Developing Resilience – Beyond Surviving

Next Steps • Part 7: Developing Resilience – Beyond Surviving

67

68

Next Steps • Part 7: Developing Resilience – Beyond Surviving

Next Steps Part 7 – Developing Resilience – Beyond Surviving The study of resiliency has intrigued researchers for decades, and the resulting research is significant in volume and depth. The study of resiliency in children in particular has grown tremendously over the past two decades, spurred on by the alarming rise in challenges children face on a daily basis including exposure to violence, drugs and alcohol, and sexual and physical abuse. These challenges place children at increased risk for maladaptive and self-destructive behaviors. But all children have a capacity for resilience. Key elements, called “protective factors,” can be increased and strengthened to create a “resilient mind-set” in young people. This mind-set helps to minimize maladaptive and antisocial behaviors related to risk.

Researchers have found that most children are resilient and do overcome childhood adversity – even those exposed to multiple risk factors. Resilience is a process allowing children to deal with stress, overcome daily challenges, rebound from trauma and adversity, develop and maintain personal relationships, and set and achieve realistic life goals. When parents are asked, “What do you want for your child?” most will respond with some combination of qualities that include those attributes. The good news is that through a specific set of Resilience Skills, parents and caregivers can effectively build and develop resilience in children who have experienced trauma.

“Fostering Resilience in Sexually Abused Children: An Educator’s Guide” (Keri Newport 2007)

Next Steps • Part 7: Developing Resilience – Beyond Surviving

69

Resilience Skill-Set Emotion Regulation: Emotion regulation is the ability to control one’s emotions under pressure. Self regulation allows a person to find pleasure in a delicious meal while being ecstatic over winning the lottery – recognizing and experiencing a different amount of happiness in each event. People who lack emotional regulation tend to see their problems and difficulties as being all-encompassing and longlasting, or even permanent. They see their future as being filled with the negative emotion they are feeling in the moment, and see no way out of it. These people tend to be emotionally draining on others, which then impacts their ability to maintain friendships and relationships. For children and adolescents, the classroom, homework, and team activities (like recess or sports) present daily opportunities for emotional highs and lows. For adults, relationships and employment can be difficult, as each comes with their own set of emotional highs and lows, and negative people tend to gravitate toward others with a like mind-set.

Optimism: Resilience and optimism go hand in hand. Studies show that optimistic people are healthier, happier, and more successful in school, work and personal activities. Optimistic people believe bad events will end, situations will improve, and that there are good people in the world. They have hope for the future and believe they will determine the course of their own future. Optimism is the epitome of resilience.

Optimistic people view adversity in a specific manner: temporary, specific, and external by nature.

Conversely, optimistic people view good events as permanent, global, and internal by nature. In other words, optimistic see bad events as something that can be changed, the effects managed, and the outcome as positive. Believing in a positive outcome without putting forth the effort to overcome the adverse situation does not usually result in success. Having an optimistic attitude is not, in and of itself, a form of resilience. Rather, all the pieces must join together – healthy optimism, successful problem solving, energy and effort – to create true resilience.

Causal Analysis: This is the term used to describe a person’s ability to accurately describe what caused an event to occur. This ability, also called explanatory style, is the core of successful problem solving.

Explanatory style can be divided into three components: personal (me vs. not me), permanent (always vs. not always), and pervasive (everything vs. not everything). A person who sees a problem as “me, always, everything” believes they caused the problem, the problem and its effects will last forever, and everything about their life will be impacted. Conversely, a person who sees a problem as “not me, not always, not everything” will see a problem as being caused by other people or circumstances, temporary and changing in nature, and that only a portion of their life will be impacted by the situation.

The interpretation of what caused a situation (causal analysis) creates a tremendous difference in a person’s resilience. People who view a situation as changeable have reason to continue working toward solutions. Likewise, those who view problems as limited and affecting only some aspects of their life can utilize other strengths and skills to counteract the effects of the problem. They recognize that some factors are truly permanent and pervasive, but continue to search for the best solutions based on things within their control. Resilient people do not give up the fight all together; they simply continue the journey toward a successful resolution.

“Fostering Resilience in Sexually Abused Children: An Educator’s Guide” (Keri Newport 2007)

70

Next Steps • Part 7: Developing Resilience – Beyond Surviving

Self-Efficacy: Self-efficacy is the confidence a person has in their ability to think and to cope with the basic challenges of life. Skill mastery is a component of self-efficacy. Research indicates self-efficacy requires both confidence and ability, each working off the results of the other. As a person experiences small success, their confidence grows. Increased confidence enables them to take on greater challenges with greater chance for success. That success, in turn, leads to greater self-confidence, until the person demonstrates true self-efficacy.

Self-efficacy should not be confused with self-esteem. Self-esteem refers to feeling good about oneself, but it can be an empty feeling, devoid of substance. Self-efficacy requires the ability to do good work or accomplish good things successfully along with the confidence that comes from that success.

Decreasing Risk Factors Risk is an elevated probability of an undesirable outcome. Studies have identified multiple risk factors that can influence healthy child development and positive outcomes. There are two separate categories of risk factors facing children: external/environmental and internal/personal.

External/environmental factors place children at risk in general. Examples include poverty, single-parent households, parental mental illness, family chaos, inconsistent or absent parenting styles, substance abuse within the family, child maltreatment, and inadequate health care.

Internal/personal factors are more specific to the child, such as premature birth, learning disabilities, ADHD and ADD, and decreased cognitive abilities (low IQ). These factors are influenced by the presence or absence of external risk factors.

Risk factors tend to occur in tandem. As the number and longevity of risk factors accumulate, the level of risk heightens, increasing the probability of negative outcomes. The likelihood of co-existing risk factors led researchers to investigate the mitigating factors that caused most children to rebound favorably over time. These mitigating factors, called protective factors, are critical forces that act as a buffer to protect children from the impact of trauma and adversity.

“Fostering Resilience in Sexually Abused Children: An Educator’s Guide” (Keri Newport 2007)

Next Steps • Part 7: Developing Resilience – Beyond Surviving

71

Increasing Protective Factors Personal: There are some factors within children that can serve as protectors from sexual abuse. Some of these factors are inherent to the child, such as their temperament. Other factors are traits and skills that children develop over time. These skills and traits include problem solving skills, emotional selfregulation, positive self-esteem, and optimism. Other factors that can help protect children from sexual abuse include knowing the correct names for body parts (including genitals), learning about safe and unsafe touch, developing assertiveness, and the ability to say “no.”

Family: Specific characteristics within families can serve to reduce the possibility of child sexual abuse.

A safe and stable home-life, authoritative parenting style, parental involvement in children’s daily life, and positive sibling relationships serve as a protective web that can insulate children from the predatory actions of child molesters. Additionally, parents who have the personal characteristics listed above have a greater ability to identify and respond to grooming behaviors made by offenders. These parents also have the confidence needed to speak out against suspicious behaviors and follow through with protective strategies. Additional familial protective factors regarding sexual abuse include teaching rules about safety (including safe and unsafe touch), and teaching children that while some of their body parts are considered private, no parts are “bad” or ‘dirty”. To provide additional protection, parents should also allow children to say “no” to all unwanted touch, even when it causes embarrassment for the parent. Children need practice and experience in saying “no” to touch. While the touch may appear to be innocuous, the child may feel differently. Forcing them to “be polite” and allow the touching may prevent them from saying no to a sex offender in the future.

Community: There are many ways that communities can be a protective factor in preventing child sexual abuse. A shared value of safe neighborhoods, quality education, and access to emergency and social services goes a long way in protecting children from harm. Additionally, cultural characteristics such as protective child policies, resources dedicated to child services, and low tolerance of physical, emotional and sexual violence combine to create an extended network of protective factors that decrease the risk of sexual abuse and other violence.

Victims of sexual abuse most often feel betrayed, powerless, and shameful because of the abuse.

Transitioning from victim to survivor requires time, energy and patience. It is essential that parents provide and support caring relationships, set high expectations, and offer opportunities for participation and contribution for their children. In addition, children should be protected from people who do not believe the disclosures of sexual abuse or are unsupportive of the child coming forward. Victims struggle enough on their own without negative comments or attitudes from others.

It should go without saying, but it is important that children and adolescents be protected from known and suspected sexual abusers. Expecting them to protect themselves is unwise at best. Adults, professionals and laymen alike, are fooled (groomed) by skilled sex offenders every day. No offender should be trusted around a child. The risk is too great.

“Fostering Resilience in Sexually Abused Children: An Educator’s Guide” (Keri Newport 2007)

72

Next Steps • Part 7: Developing Resilience – Beyond Surviving

Parents need concrete ideas for strengthening resilience in their children. Below are some examples for parents to consider.

•

Provide unconditional love and emotional support, expressed verbally and physically

•

Establish routines that a child can understand and follow

•

Provide clear rules and expectations

•

Enforce rules in a manner that does not belittle, harm, or reject the child

•

Model appropriate behaviors for a child to follow

•

Be consistent with praise for good behavior and accomplishments

•

Encourage a child to try new things and to do things on their own

•

Praise initiative and autonomy as the child develops

•

Identify feelings and encourage appropriate emotional expression

•

Help the child to develop problem-solving skills by identifying the factors that lead up to a problem and developing a plan to resolve it

•

Be empathetic and encourage empathy in the child

•

Encourage children to use their words to solve interpersonal problems

•

Accept errors and failures while providing guidance toward improvement

•

Spend individual time with each child on a daily basis, even for just five minutes

•

Help each child to accept responsibility for their actions

•

Provide opportunities for children to deal with problems, face disappointment, and to fail.

This gives children the opportunity to practice resilience within a manageable framework.

•

Encourage communication on a variety of issues and topics

•

Encourage children to share their feelings, expectations, hopes, dreams, and problems

Developing resilience in children is easier for some adults to do than it is for others. For those who find it difficult, it is likely because their own resilience skill-set is under-developed. However, the good news is that it’s never too late to begin. The skills are simple, but take effort and consistent practice. The more resilient the adult, the more likely the child will become resilient as well.

“Fostering Resilience in Sexually Abused Children: An Educator’s Guide” (Keri Newport 2007)

Next Steps • Part 7: Developing Resilience – Beyond Surviving

73

74

Next Steps • Part 7: Developing Resilience – Beyond Surviving

Part 8

Redefining “Normal”

Next Steps • Part 8: Redefining “Normal”

75

76

Next Steps • Part 8: Redefining “Normal”

Next Steps Part 8 – Redefining “Normal” Child sexual abuse involves a series of events that are most often life changing for the victim. Once that abuse is disclosed, the lives of others are changed as well, such as non-offending parents and adult caregivers, siblings, extended family members, the offender’s family, friends, and even colleagues. While lives are changed, it doesn’t necessarily mean that lives are broken or damaged beyond repair. Life in general does return to “normal” in the sense that people eventually goes back to doing everyday tasks without thoughts of sexual victimization interrupting other things. There are definitely still reminders, triggers that bring back the memories, but over time those memories become manageable.

Parents often say, “It doesn’t seem like it’s affected my child at all. She still looks and acts normal. I guess she’s put it behind her and has gone on with her life.” Parents may not realize they’ve become accustomed to their post-abuse child. They have no idea what their child would have been like had the sexual abuse never have occurred. It is important that the educator talk with parents, and other adult caregivers, about their perception of the child. We want to ensure that parents recognize that the impact of child sexual abuse is life long, while also recognizing that victims can, and DO, become survivors.

In coming to the end of this educational program, it is also important to talk with non-offending parents about their view of the offender. There is a saying that “Time heals all wounds.” While time does heal some wounds, it doesn’t heal everything, and it does nothing for sex offenders – other than give them more time to improve their grooming skills. It’s not unusual for parents to believe that once caught, sexual offenders have “learned their lesson” and are safe to be around children and other vulnerable people.

Given time, many adults think it’s also OK for sexual offenders to be around their victim again, believing that they “wouldn’t dare” victimize their victim again. While their belief in rehabilitation is admirable, it is also naïve. It is the educator’s role to talk honestly about offenders, recidivism, and the responsibility of forever protecting children from even the most remote possibility of sexual abuse.

Review the strategies of sex offenders, and have the parent identify the strategies used on them and their child in the commission of the sexual abuse. What lies, manipulations and grooming skills were most effective, and what vulnerabilities remain? When parents can identify and talk about these things, they become more attuned to their child’s vulnerabilities as well.

Next Steps • Part 8: Redefining “Normal”

77

Talking About the Abuse We know that one of the best ways to reduce trauma symptoms related to sexual abuse is to talk about the sexual abuse itself. However, most people don’t know what to say to someone who has been sexually abused. Parent’s often say, “My child hasn’t brought it up, so I haven’t said anything. He probably doesn’t remember it anymore.” That’s probably more wishful thinking on the parent’s part than anything else.

It’s simply because, like most people, they don’t know what to say. They worry that bringing it up again will only re-traumatize the child or cause an increase in PTSD symptoms. The fact is, talking about the abuse may initially cause heightened anxiety, but as conversations continue, the pain and anxiety tend to decrease. The more the sexual abuse is talked about, the less power it has over victims and family members.

Educators can give parents some conversation starters. The words may change a little bit, depending on the age of the victim, but once the first sentence is out, the conversation can usually take off from there.

•

“I remember when you told me about Jamie breaking the touching rules. I am so proud of you for telling.”

•

“I know it’s hard to see your friend having fun with her dad. It must be hard for you, since your dad is in prison for sexually abusing you.”

•

“I know that you miss your brother, but since he broke the touching rules, he can’t come home or be around any kids right now. I’m not sure how long it’s going to be until you see him again, but a lot of things have to happen before it’s even a possibility.”

•

“You can talk with me about your sexual abuse. I believe everything you’ve told me, and I will listen to everything else you want to say about it. I can hear it and I will always love you.”

•

“Sometimes I still think about how brave you were by talking to the Judge. Whenever you’re ready to talk more to me, I’m ready. It’s never too late to talk about it.”

Stress Management – Review Plain and simple, all people experience stress. Our role as educators is to help parents find ways to manage the stress related to the sexual abuse of the child in their lives. As you near the end of the program, take a few minutes to talk about whether they are managing stress. This is also a good time to go over some stress-reducing strategies. Ask what they’ve used before and how well it worked. Even if you’ve gone over them before, it is a good idea to give a brief description and demonstration of each strategy as you list them.

Examples: Deep breathing, belly breathing, talking to a trusted and supportive person, taking a walk, physically strenuous activity, drawing or other artistic endeavor, progressive muscle relaxation, meditation, prayer, music, going for a drive, etc.

78

Next Steps • Part 8: Redefining “Normal”

Next Steps In Closing We don’t provide cookie-cutter services. We tailor the information to fit the family’s circumstance.

However, this is still an educational program, and as such, the EDUCATOR should teach and the PARENT should learn. The educator should do the majority of the talking (teaching) in all but the first and last session. Each session builds upon the last, so although it is sometimes appropriate to do the sessions out of order, for the most part, that will be the exception rather than the rule.

Sometimes it’s tempting to allow the parent to digress from the topic, ramble on and on, or take control of the direction of the session, as long as we “bring it back around” to the point we were initially trying to make. However, research on adult learning indicates that process does not promote ample or accurate learning. As educators, we need to keep the conversation on topic, and interrupt when things first begin to go askew. Sometimes it is appropriate to listen and figure out where they are going… but most times it is best to come back to the topic and continue with the lesson plan. It can feel awkward to do so in the beginning, but with practice it will become more comfortable, and you will see increased learning.

Sometimes there is sadness in closing, for the participant or for the educator. Sometimes it feels like losing a friend – but it is very important to keep everything in context, and to make sure that our clients do not become our friends. They share with us a very intimate and intense period of their lives. But we are there to share information, hold their hand, and slip away again silently. The intense emotion they may feel for our “partnership” needs to be transferred to more important people in their lives. It isn’t helpful to carry the partnership out too long. As soon as the last session is complete, it is time to say goodbye.

Next Steps • Sexual Abuse Focused Education

79

King County Sexual Assault Resource Center 200 Mill Avenue South, Suite 10 PO Box 300 Renton, Washington 98057 www.kcsarc.org