Fathers & Sons

Fathers& Sons BY SARAH TOLMIE

The other week, in my capacity as an holistic funeral celebrant, I had to sensitively mediate two adult brothers, as they navigated the death of their father and plan his funeral.

It was painful to witness them in such pain. The pain at the loss of their father was further amplified by the distance they had had from each other as brothers and the distance the eldest brother had from his father.

There were so many losses not dealt with even before the death. Lost relationship. Lost time. Lost opportunities for connection. The pain of lost relationship had started well before the death occurred, and so when the father died its tragedy and finality could no longer be avoided.

This is the thing with death, death is like the sword of truth that cuts through everything and we can no longer run from our feelings and pain. Whatever the story is that we have wrapped around our hard feelings, our feelings do speak a truth we cannot avoid. Whatever feelings about a relationship we have denied, avoided, diminished or suppressed will finally slam into us like a freight train at the last breath.

It made me reflect on the relationships of men and specifically fathers and sons. It can be such a complex one made even more difficult by the enculturation of men to ‘not feel’ to be ‘stoic’ and ‘strong’ and ‘invulnerable’ to their feelings.

We have done men such a disservice to enable this myth of invulnerability as being manly because I know from my work as a relationship therapist; feelings are the currency of relationship. It takes

amazing strength to stay with the feelings, but it is worth it. Feelings are the truest and fastest way to create connection, intimacy and trust. Not just for intimate romantic-love based relationships, but for ALL relationships.

Feelings are the ‘back-stage passes’ into the inner world of our loved ones. When we learn to read the map of their inner landscape we can begin to understand them; understand their

needs and desires; understand the motivations and fears; empathise, find compassion and be in connection. When we can acknowledge the feelings we can see, hear and know someone’s truth without having to argue who is right.....it is just about being in ‘right relationship’.

There is something powerful to know and understand how being in ‘right relationship’ with our loved ones while they are alive can help us to continue to be in ‘right relationship’ with our loved one after death.

For fathers and sons, traversing the child to teen to young adult to man is a wild rollercoaster. There is an essential separation and differentiation that must occur and sometimes during the individuation and the making of a man there is a battle of strength and power as each asserts their place in the world. This can leave hurts and create a distance that may never truly repair if there is not a conscious effort to ‘re-meet’ each other and ‘re-find’ each other as men in the world.

All families and the constellation of relationships within – parents, children and siblings – go through many evolutions of growth and change. This is still true into our adult years. There are powerful patterns at play, and those ‘roles’ we play in families are hard to break. When a child becomes a parent themselves however, and participates in their own family of creation triumphs and challenges, this can often be a turning point for insight and compassion towards our parents and siblings.

For one of my funeral family brothers, he did ‘re-meet and re-find’ his dad in the latter years of his life, taking care of his needs into old age, managing his nursing home and health day-to-day and finding new relationship with him. He said in his last few years his father softened and gentled and in their conversations “he got to know the man.”

As a result, his grief found its natural intensity and expression. He could find the joy, the gratitude and the celebration for his father in the midst of his sadness.

For his older brother, the body slam of big hard feelings of hurt, resentment and regret created a red mist of anger that almost derailed the funeral. Essential to the negotiations for the funeral arrangements ever moving forwards to agreement and a good outcome was to acknowledge the truth of his feelings as real and right. Bringing gentle compassion and understanding to those feelings was the first step to connection.

The measure of both men was they did give witness to each other’s feelings, they could meet each other in that mutual space and stay connected and work together. They arrived at their father’s funeral safely and brought great honour to their dad. And there was a lot of feeling in that ceremony. Good feelings. Lots of love.

Sarah Tolmie assists people to celebrate, navigate, grow and heal through all their life & love transitions. Her practice focuses on love & relationships, families & children; life success & fulfilment, illness, death & grief. As an Holistic Celebrant Sarah creates profound and meaningful ceremonies for all life & love events. Sarah is also a Marriage Therapist, Bespoke Funeral Director and End-of-Life Consultant. You can visit her website www.sarahtolmie.com.au and Facebook page at Sarah Tolmie – Life & Love.

Under new management

CALL TODAY FOR YOUR FREE HOLIDAY BROCHURE

DAY TOURS

Bingo Afloat! WED 1 APR 2020

P 02 4325 8000

Shop 5A Gosford Central Plaza 153 Mann Street Gosford

www.itseasytours.com.au info@easytourstravel.com.au

Sydney Royal Easter Show SAT 4 APR 2020

Vivid & Buffet Dinner Cruise SAT 30 MAY 2020

• Charters • Corporate • Day Tours • Extended Tours

5 Day South Coast Batemans Bay

Departing 19 Oct 2020 $1250pp Twin Share

Plus more

8 Day

Toowoomba Carnival of Flowers

Departing 17 Sept 2020 $2270pp Twin Share

Colour Don’t be afraid to use it BY SAM & JORDI WOODS

Just because Autumn is upon us and your Summer glow has faded, doesn’t mean the colours in your wardrobe have to fade too.

On the contrary, as the season gets gloomy we are thrilled to say that there is an extensive array of colours that will be hitting the stores that can add a continued zing to your style for Autumn/Winter.

We understand it can be overwhelming when there are a number of new “trending” colours – especially if they are colours you wouldn’t normally gravitate to. Therefore, as fashion forecasters we research the new colour palettes from overseas (they are always at least 6 months ahead), select the key shades and proceed to teach our clients; how to wear them to suit their personal colour palette and also how these hues can update their existing wardrobe items.

There are some stunning colours showcased on the runway this year that when worn correctly will suit most skin types – here is a sample of three we love and believe will be able brighten up your Autumn/Winter wardrobe in a heart beat! Introducing...

Magenta for those who love a touch of pink!

Bluestone the newest twist on pastel blue

1. New Lip Stick Shade Make up is an easy and economical way to inject colour into your look and a new lipstick colour will add instant interest. TIP: Ensure you choose a shade that suits your complexion (either a warm or cool version of the colour) not just because it is different to what you normally wear. 2. Earring Update No matter the temperature, earrings are always a “must have” in our wardrobes. Not only do they add some fun to an outfit, they can easily dress up last season’s jeans and tee – making your outfit look on trend. Plus they always fit! 3. Silk Scarf This is a huge winner for those who are cold one minute and hot the next! A scarf can be tied around a handbag or ponytail, then draped around the shoulders and neck when you get cold. Choosing silk is also a better choice if you are environmentally conscious and concerned. 4. Statement Handbag &/or Shoe We love shoes and handbags because they can be a functional and fashionable item and will breathe new life into your most loved wardrobe staples. 5. Nail Lacquer Is a really fun way to test a colour and see if you like it! Start small, then if you love the colour you have tried, invest in a new accessory or clothing item in that shade.

3 new hues to try! Magenta Mania

Images: NEE (Available at The VC Style Studio), Firucci (Available at The VC Style Studio). Bluestone Tones

Cheddar Shades

Images: Urban Originals (Available at The VC Style Studio), NEE (Available at The VC

Style Studio).

Cheddar – yep as in cheese! Yellows from creamy-swiss to orange-gouda based hues

How to add them to your style! When adding colour into your Autumn/ Winter wardrobe it can be tricky, as the Australian weather isn’t necessarily cool or even cold in March–May. Below are some items to incorporate new season colours into your look WITHOUT having to buy new outfits.

Images: Urban Originals (Available at The VC Style Studio), Matt & Nat (Available at The VC Style Studio).

We can’t wait to “play” with the new hues and hope you are now inspired to do the same.

Understanding styling and fashion is one thing. Having a super-natural flair for making everyday people look incredible is another. Once you’ve met Sam & Jordi Woods, it’s hard not to catch their infectious passion for dressing to match your own lifestyle, personality and charisma. Through their consultancy ‘VibrantConcepts’, Sam & Jordi have transformed the lives of thousands. Let Sam & Jordi show you how to look and feel fabulous everyday at their Style Studio in Erina – learn the art of illusion dressing, colour matching, styling, translating fashion trends and savvy shopping with their unique VC Signature Styling Systems and services that are truly personal and really work! To contact VibrantConcepts phone 0425 221 676.

From tragedy to triumph

Ray Collins has had a lifelong love affair with the ocean. And a tragic accident in 2007 gave Ray the opportunity to transform that passion into a vocation.

While working in an underground coal mine, Ray was involved in a terrible accident that severely injured his knee and left him unable to walk for several months. During his rehabilitation, Ray bought a camera and spent hundreds of hours learning to take photos.

As you can see from his photos, Ray learned well, and he has become a very successful ocean photographer. His photos of wave formations – from above and below the water – are truly captivating. He has collaborated with major brands like National Geographic, Vogue, Apple and Nikon.

“The Ocean has been the one single constant in my life”, Ray explains. “At any time, during any emotion – it is there for me. My aim is to show the ocean as a living, breathing thing – to document it in all of its intimidating strength and to bring awareness to its delicate fragility.”

A collection of Ray Collins’ extraordinary photographs will be on display exclusively at the Ken Duncan Gallery, Erina Heights, from April 18 to May 10. Entry to the exhibition is free. During his exhibition, Ray will present some inspiring talks call Found at Sea. Ray’s story is captivating – and he tells it with openness and sincerity. Through injury, failure, self-reflection and success, Ray’s fundamental life lessons have all been Found at Sea.

Interestingly, Ray is colour blind. But he

doesn’t see that as a hindrance. “I think it helps by removing the “distraction” of colour, allowing me to focus on contrast, tones, textures, and composition. If I’d always seen the same way as everyone else, maybe my work wouldn’t be as unique.”

It is fitting for Ray’s work to be shown here on the Central Coast, where we have a great affinity with the ocean. We are well known for our breathtaking beaches and many Coasties enjoy surfing. What better way to celebrate the ocean than through Ray Collins’ inspiring photography?