Dear ___: Friend Issue #1

issue 1: friend

This is the first issue of the DEAR ____ Zine created by S M Van de Kamp, with support from a vibrant community of writers and artists.

Why do I feel the need to defend friendship?

Friendship. This a word we have been conditioned to place among the likes of “Live.

Laugh. Love.” The word itself can feel frivolous and undeserving of that concept it contains.

But friendship’s place in any person’s life is a weighty one. It is a fraught one. A rich one. When we don’t have it, we concoct it: imaginary friends and imagined relationships with F • R • I • E • N • D • S TM We learn about the complexity of communication from our early friends. They are a foundation of our independence and a bedrock that we return to again and again through life’s joys and tragedies. They challenge us, care for us, push us, support us, and make life richer and fuller.

This zine celebrates friendship and asks its readers to reexamine it. What would the world look like if we celebrated our friendships more?

S M Van de Kamp

cover art Jacob Allers-Hatlie layout and design Cody Mackenzie

1

Jessica Zerby

2

I’ve known you for a year now.

One year.

I used to not know you at all.

Elise

3

I Said Hello I said hello.

What did she say? Jon asked.

She said hello back and smiled. It was the kind of smile that closed her eyes with it—the kind I wish I had.

You don’t like your smile, Jon asked.

Everything goes wrong when I do. My face is fine and then someone says hello or makes me laugh and then, well... not that I’ll stop.

Stop what?

Smiling. Anyway, you know what I did?

What did you do? Jon asked.

I looked her right in the eyes…

Right in the eyes?

Yeah, right in the eyes and I told her that when she is really sad, it could only be that she’s a bit blind to how wonderful a light she emits.

Whoa.

I know.

Did you really say that to her? Jon asked.

Of course not. But I wrote it down when I got home and made you up so I could tell someone about it.

Chris Hess

4

Linnea Stephan

5

We are Pyrite Why do I feel more peace Whenever I’m not talking to you Like there’s more air to breathe Compared to the vacuum You make when you leave I admit I’m afraid of what life would be Without you, the always occasional you I’d no more feel drained, I’d be free Only you can make me feel used Your presence could find gold in pyrite But there’s no point in a light so bright That rarely shares with us its shine With how much I’ve changed, I tried But I feel nothing makes you and I right All expectations were dropped The rose-tinted glasses came off Usually temporary happiness you brought Friend, maybe we weren’t made for us Carola B. Figueroa

6

7

Serge Serum

8

“Just” Friends They’ll say we broke up. But in reality we moved forward. They’re transfixed by quote-unquote failure. As if success is the reason we bought into the business of romance; to be the best at just keeping it going.

I’ve been thinking of “the power of now.” I haven’t read the book, but, stoned in my bed, the title reminds me that this is the only chance I’ll get to cherish tonight’s particular sleeplessness. And if I can treasure this solitary, restless darkness, how much more could I have treasured you, our sun-drenched mornings and touch-drunk nights?

Suddenly I worry, in a wave of images, that it wasn’t enough. But living right now means that I can always enjoy you for who you are.

Someone I loved one way for one moment, and someone I will love in other ways each moment moving forward.

Matty Bedrosian

9

Linnea Stephan

10

11

Jacob Allers-Hatlie

12

Gushers I met Leo in the fourth grade in a karate class at the local youth center. He kicked me in the face with a wild carousel-like roundhouse that split my lip and I gushed blood that would never come out of my brand new karate whites. “I get why they call them gushers now,” he said as he watched me red-handed, blood collecting carefully in the cup of my palms like I was trying to keep something alive in there. I was pretty sure somehow that he was talking about the candy. I remember being shocked, a little, that he didn’t try to help me or anything, that the teacher was the one who ran to the bathroom to grab a wad of toilet paper and stuff it up against my lip. But he did sit with me in the lobby while I held it there until my parents came, describing what he saw in the bloodstains on my shirt like we were lying in the grass together staring at shapes in the clouds. The next week I showed him the stitches I’d had to get and he high fived me, like it was something incredibly cool we had done together, which I guess in a way it was.

Hanna Bahedry

13

Linnea Stephan

14

15

Serge Serum

16

Jacob Allers-Hatlie

17

Mirror, Mirror In the year(s) I tried to mend our picket Fence back, I learned I don’t hate you at all

All the stones falleventuallyto the sharp-smelling, chlorine-saccharine pool bottom.

One by one.

The stones that weighed down

and never have, and the way a baby learns

My lifethis light buffet, this love ballet,

to fear falling (are you okay?!)

and one two three words to ephemerally, infinitely, say, say, say, say...

we babies can learn to fear ourselves.

I’m glad I’ve always had this car,

Tatiana Lourde

but only now known how to drive.

It. (There are some places we shant go quicker than the mind can meet us.)

18

Annie a song by Jennie Lawless annie you make me happy to stay connected to the long thread of my life and annie isn’t it special that we are still friends after all of this time past an ocean through the sky after all of this time all this time annie when i first met you i didn’t know exactly how to be alright but annie you make me feel just like the person that i want to be inside and you make me want to try to be better all the time so i keep trying i i i i

keep keep keep keep

19

trying trying trying trying

Click to listen

Jacob Allers-Hatlie

20

the whale bone (shared experience) when we found the whale bone on a beach in rosarito we didn’t know that it was what it was we thought maybe this is something a stone polished by the waves thrown upon the grey shore the drab vault of the sky pelted us from high as we buttered our conjectures blinked our eyes

21

but it was what it was and we returned again and again to pay homage to what lay within to touch the smooth ribbing of its crown so heavy we could not lift it one inch from the ground the whale bone the whale bone we whispered to ourselves S M Van de Kamp

photos Linnea Stephan

22

23

Story Poem Your story is a good story I promise I will tell it to all my friends I will emphasize the right parts And forget about the boring ones Of which there are few Because your story is a good story Chris Gale

28 24

Tinfoil

I remember that day well. When we said goodbye something in me was crushed, like tinfoil from a candybar, balled by an absent-minded hand.

The hand was circumstance, the fates were conspiring, and my young mind crumpled.

We stood at the front door of my parents’ house. Maya’s father, here to pick her up, was on his phone, trying to give us girls some space. Like that would solve anything.

“I’ll see you again soon,” she said, head down, hands clasped together. She said it like she was trying to reassure herself, not me. She had always been a little bit selfish. Strong. I was the one who was afraid to say no — to the sparkly shirts my mom bought me, the teacher who kept calling me the wrong name (EEvah not AYvah), or the boys in the hall.

25

When, just my luck, my baby teeth had decided to jump ship almost all at once, a group of boys had started calling me Gummy. I would wince and smile, closed-mouthed, as I passed them. I tried to Be Positive, like the poster said. It was Maya who, with fire in her eyes, had told them to “Go suck a popsicle.”

I hugged her again tightly.

“It isn’t fair!” I said.

“I’m gonna miss you,” she said, her eyes a brimming well. We said our goodbyes and then her dad led her out the door and away.

Alone, I started counting down the days. Two weeks. Twelve days. Tomorrow it will be eleven days, I thought as I attempted to smooth out the tin foil wrapper of my heart.

S M Van de Kamp

26

Appreciation + Advice To Friends

27

What is something a friend has done for you recently that you appreciated?

My friend let me cry over nothing and didn’t ignore it and didn’t focus in on it but just accepted it.

Leila Anna Wahba

My friend watered my plants for a month when I was away and still continues to “check in” on them when she comes by.

Sarah Van de Kamp

A friend made me a meal to stick in the freezer, so when I didn’t have time to cook, I could just heat it up.

Leticia Llesmin

A friend offered to make me meals when I started sleep training James. It was really thoughtful. Just the fact that someone spent that much time thinking about what I might need was really touching.

Whitney Grindberg

They just sat by my side and listened, listened, listened while I spoke my inner thoughts out.

Walter Ortega Villanueva

The night of the election I had my head on S—-‘s lap and she ran her fingers through my hair, stroking the top of my head. It was the only thing that could slow me down.

Elisabeth Larson

28

Think of a friend, what is one piece of advice that you think they need to hear?

You are enough.

Sarah Van de Kamp

Do you really like them or does your ego want their approval?

Jessica Zerby

Everything is temporary; things might be difficult sometimes but you will get through them. You were made to confront any and every hurdle you may face. If you are ever afraid that you won’t be able to make it, call on me and know that you are loved.

Christina Joseph

You’re allowed to be in a bad mood when you’re with me.

Jennie Lawless

Stop overthinking--move to where you are happy. Taking the safer option is making you miserable.

Confrontation is not personal criticism, remember you are human and loving even when it is uncomfortable to listen.

Step into your fear.

J—— if it’s urgent, it’s not important. Nothing needs to be rushed.

Remember, the fastest way to get to where you wanna go is to be where you’re at.

29

You deserve more.

Martha Kirby

It’s okay to make new art even though you made so much good art in the past.

Chris Gale

Whenever you feel like there’s a problem in your marriage, try to remember which emotions brought you there. There’s no answer for mixed feelings but there’s always a better answer if you take real love and strength and convert them into bridges to connect with your loved one.

Offer yourself the compassionate care that you offer animals going through distress. Your difficult emotions and circumstances are just as valid! What would you tell a small baby bunny experiencing pain? How would you go about fulfilling their needs? Offer that love and dedicated care to yourself.

30