Special 'Read for My School' Beano issue

Cover gifts may vary. Competitions open to UK residents only, unless otherwise stated.

ook!

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E M I T S ’ IT K C O L B TO OLL! AND R

CREEPS! LOOK OUT FOR

Uh-oh! Here comes trouble!

late for work! gotta run! where’s dennis?

he said he was going to play minecraft. aarrghh!

stupid dennis minecraft!

keep your eyes open for zombies or creepers, gnasher.

you never know when one will appear…

hello, dennis!

creepzombie!

what did you do that for? surely you know there are no such things as zombies?!

what’s with the funny clothes, walt?

don’t call me walt! and what do you mean, “funny clothes”?

you really fencing is are a very stupid the sport of gentlemen, boy, you know. this is my fencing not common oiks like outfit and this you! is my epee.

sorry, walter. er… i thought i was still playing minecraft.

great excuse, dennis! i bet you Gnew it was walter all along!

you say ‘epee’ epp-ay. it’s french, or something, you see - the ed.

look out, gnasher! he’s attacking us with his peepee or whatever it is!

prepare to fight back!

stop doing that, or i’ll… i’ll… i’ll...

i’m not going to tell you.

you’ll what?

what?! just you wait, dennis! you’ll regret that! now leave me alone, i must practise my archery!

hey, walter! catch!

look! he’s forgotten his peepee! yee-ow!

that brute won’t know what’s hit him when he finds out what i’m going to do to him! when i’m prime minister, the first thing i’ll do is abolish menacing! that’ll show him!

unfortunately, i can’t be prime minister until i’m 21, so i’ll have to make do with telling on him to his parents.

they’ll be so disappointed in him!

hey, walter! where are you going?

oh no! he’s coming back!

quickly, walter! or you’ll have to wait eleven years for your revenge!

squeal!

this hole wasn’t here yester…

stupid minecraft skeleton isn’t getting me!

hey, dad! i told you that you’d get the hang of minecraft in the end!

i wonder if there’s any coal down here?

Why did the farmer plough his field with a steamroller?

Because he wanted to grow mashed potatoes!

SPS!

E C Ri M K N U R SH

PRANK! GENIUS ACKET IS H T K WITH RISP P ILL THIN MPTY CLEAN C W INTO A E T A SHRINK AN E OUR M L T Y ’L U T IT P A .

H U FOR S W HELP YO SWAP IT !

THAT’S SECOND O D T 10 N T A 6 L U R IT E AD ING FO P INSID OWAVE T LOOK ASK AN O R IS R N IC C M ’S Y E E H IN TH PUT A T H WHEN INSIDE T LUNC RSION. A E V S I P IN IS R M ATE’S C YOUR M

YOU MUMMY,

!

E ESEINSIDE A H C ICE THE WY

weep!

Eat it and

CHE HEESE SHL – WITHEWY!

C IC H VE A SANDW ON! C O H L S S L ’ I E T MAT STIC S A L P

CHOCCY

WATER HANDCUFFS! BET A FRIEND THEY CAN’T BALANCE TWO CUPS OF WATER ON THEIR HANDS. GET THEM TO PUT THEIR PALMS FLAT ON THE TABLE THEN BALANCE THE CUPS ON THEM. NOW WALK AWAY! ONE FALSE MOVE AND THEY’RE GETTING A SOAKING!

S

P ROUTS! COOK S OME BR SPROUT USSEL S IN MELT , COVER THEM ING AND LE CHOCOLATE THEN O AVE TO SET. F TO EVE FER THEM OU T RYONE AT LUN CH!

PRANK SWEETS! DIP SOME RED GUMMY BEARS INTO A GLASS OF WATER. ROLL THEM IN A LITTLE CHILLI POWDER THEN LEAVE THEM TO DRY. NOW YOU HAVE YOUR OWN TRICK TREATS THAT’LL GO DOWN LIKE A HOT HOT HOT POTATO WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

BABY BEAMER! PUT A BABY’S SIPPY CUP AND BIB INSIDE A FRIEND’S PACKED LUNCH BOX! RED FACE, ANYONE?

F LY CATCHE

R!

SPLAT A FLY BETW EEN YOU HANDS – R THEN EAT THAT’S W IT! OR HAT YOUR FRIENDS WILL THIN K YOU DID BUT IT WAS A FA KE OUT. USE A RAISIN AS THE FAKE FLY!

CAN YOU TAKE THE COLA TASTE CHALLENGE?!

D-

OH NUT SQUEE S! ZE TH E FILL OF SO IN ME D GO PIPE IN OUGHNUTS UT AND MAY INSTE AD TH ONNAISE EN OUT W ITH YO SHARE ‘EM UR FR IENDS !

EMPTY A BOTTLE OF COLA, FILL IT WITH LEMONADE AND ADD SOY SAUCE UNTIL IT TURNS THE SAME COLOUR AS COKE. SWITCH IT FOR YOUR MATE’S JUICE AND WATCH THEM FREAK OUT!

FR EA KY GNASHE RS!

FANCY PUD? HOW ABOUT SOM E I-SCREAM? EAT AN ORANGE WEDGE, THEN CUT LINES ALL ALONG IT TO MAKE FREAKY TEE TH. POP THE PEEL UNDER YOUR TOP LIP WITH THE WHITE SIDE FACING OUTWARDS. NOW TAP A FRIEND ON THE SHOULDER AND SMILE!

He’s football crazy! whoa! who’s this? today’s opposition – bunkerton wanderers fc!

what ho, oiks!

huh! look at them in their flash kits!

this kit is made from the latest breathable fabric to allow air to circulate!

ours do that…

hello.

scoff!

sorry.

…but sometimes you want to keep the air in. cough!

we’ll show them…

…with some rare uruguayan suarez moths!

ha-ha! they look really flash now!

wah!

Why did the sparrow fly into the library?

It was looking for bookworms!

dennis m r o f s n a tr nster o m t n a i g into a ing through rampagnotown! bea ✁ ✁

instructions

l Glue this page to a sheet of card. l Cut out the monster parts and Dennis. l Fold along the lines shown and it’ll stand up. l Use blue tack to attach his new body parts. Swap them round to create even scarier monster combos!

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BEANOTOWN ZOO Where the wild things are fun! another hard day for the sloth…

grunt!

they can sleep up to 18 hours a day, you know!

and they only pee and poop once a week.

not like my great granny, then!

wow! it’s waking up!

just like my great granny!

at least i put on a bit of a show for the little dudes!

whoa! i’m exhausted

now, man!

we saw it move! we saw it move!

IVY THE TERRIBLE Toddler of terror! hmph!

finished!

that’s

you can have some ice cream when that plate is empty.

not what

i meant!

bah!

eat all your greens and you can have some ice cream, but only when you’ve finished. coo! look! a unicorn!

where?!

tee-hee.

all gone!

well done, ivy.

14

The unluckiest boy in the world! four hours, two trips to hospital and a roll of sticking plaster later…

i’ll have to build my puppet tent. it shouldn’t take me long.

i’m putting on a punch and judy show today!

now to stage my first ever punch and judy show! yippee!

there! piece of cake, that was!

but… er… isn’t it a lovely day, judy?

yes, mr punch! it’s… lovely!

boring! boring! boring!

you’re rubbish at

this!

howl!

my puppets are turning on me!

you tell him, mr punch!

boring? who said that… ouch!

hurry up! i want a shot at hitting him!

naughty, naughty boy!

oofyah!

a good biffing later…

you want me to arrest your puppets for beating you up? you’re potty!

no - i’m punch-drunk!

that’s

the way to do it!

How do fleas travel from place to place?

By itch hiking!

The girl who’s tougher than all the boys! waaargh!

i bet she’s aping something she’s seen on tv!

grr! i can hear minnie up to her usual monkey

business!

by ‘slipped out’ i assume you mean kidnapped?!

nice of you to drop in, dad! meet djoum the chimpanzee. he’s my new pri-mate!

we

slipped out

of beanotown zoo earlier!

you broke every barcode reader in beanotown!

then what about that zebra you took shopping? remember?!

are you going to bring him up every time i bring a protected species home? groan! this is ronnie the rhino all over again, isn’t it?

that was not as black and white as you’re making out!

besides, i’ve got a…

quiet! not another word! here comes this week’s angry zookeeper!

always

an angry zookeeper!

well i’m not letting them monkey with me! not again! what are you doing?

i’m going to distract the zookeeper while you sneak djoum out the back!

ooooooh!

there! that should fool him!

dad’s gone

we’ll get the door, dad!

bananas!

hi, minnie! thanks for looking after djoum today. i’ll take him back home to the zoo for his tea now!

you see, dad? i’ve got a certificate of adoption. it’s all official. me and him are pals!

bah! even when she’s being good she ends up making a monkey out of me!

okay-dokey, mr un-angry zookeeper! see you soon, djoum!

fancy another banana?

How can you tell if you’ve had an elephant in the fridge?

There are footprints in the butter!

ring? o b e b as to h l o o h ys sc a s o h W ktop on th e Turn th e d es r upsid e class compute ing Ctr l ss dow n b y pre ach er won’t te r u Yo .

A lt w to fix it! have a clue ho and it’ll lt Press Ctr l A rm a l! o n to ck go b a

5 Ho m Smiffy’s Top

a y keeps A n app le a rdawa y! th e teach ep op stic k Push a lo lli n and cover into an oniolate. Give it in choco teach, and it to your a big th ey’ ll g et hen th ey surprise w! bite into it

es! ework Excus

forgot to do ady and you p 5 excuses! e lr a y a nd o Uh-oh! It’s Mrk! Here are Smiffy’s To your homewo from! n e to copy it o y n a nd fi t 1. I cou ldn’k caug ht fire!

2. M y d es W ho was on!

3. Doctor ic to hom ework! you see it?

4. I’m a llergit in invisible in k — can’t 5. I wrote

16

re of out this pictu g in tt cu ke -up y a b m r r ach e in he Pran k your ictek ing it over th e mirror th e mirror sh e’ll P lug and st sh e op ens it to look inat her! box. W henug ly mug look ing b ack see P lug’s

a Want to p asnsote? t e cr top se lue Buy a larg eugll out p nd a stic k e! th e g lue tubn hid e ca u o y Now it notes insid eto it s as p and The your friends.thin k ill teach er w ant to th ey just w r g lue! borrow you

It’s the class every teacher dreads...

oh, yeah!

great tune!

bust some moves! i must get the school nurse! it’s an

eeeek!

the kids are having fits!

outbreak!

that’s not dancing! and what is that noise?

it’s called music!

we’re just dancing!

pah! you need a lesson in the gentle art of dance!

clear a space while i find some suitable music.

hey, better than a lesson in the boring art of maths!

i said clear a space, not throw furniture out of the window!

right-o!

and so…

now, pay close attention! eek! to teacher! not your finger!

okay!

and a one… and a two!

and definitely not cuthbert!

and turn… and a two!

you’re kidding,

right?!

so…

and a one!

you’re right. let’s do maths!

now you try it!

look, i’m on tippy toes!

and a two!

i’m not busting those soppy moves!

and turn!

oof! oof! oofya!

huh?! watch it,

who are you calling clumsy?!

clumsy!

gloop! you!

hey!

what sort of lesson is this?!

erm… the gentle art of sigh! dance!

Why are school cooks cruel?

Because they batter fish and beat eggs!

now, just calm down!

ate to see who play this game with aism er fight! will win this fiend h fing ✁

1.

FININD GE EX R

✁

stick this page to a sheet of card then cut out the board, arrow and spinner.

B UM TH

WHAT TO DO!

✁

push a paper fastener 2. and through the arrow middle of the

RULES! 1.

2.

take it in turns to spin the spinner.

3.

keep going until someone can’t reach their bash street kid. they lose!

✁

r e g fin

T IF N HIR GE D R

✁

LE DD GER I M IN F

spinner.

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on the board, put the finger you land on onto the bash street kid you land on.

! r e t twis ✁

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LITTLE PLUM The not-so-brave brave! i’m gonna raid the store once that delivery arrives.

what’s up, hank?

i’m gonna rob pa bear when he tries to escape out of the back door.

ho-hum. i’m still waiting for today’s food delivery. so i can have um peaceful afternoon without them lot!

what are you doing, chiefy?

i’m going to catch baby-face red-handed!

i’m putting up a road block to stop the delivery. why?!

PUP PARADE Starring the Bash Street Pups! check out our new bin, bones!

early the next morning…

it’s got all mod cons!

zzzzzzz

hmmm!

eventually...

yawn! eh?

aha! home thrown away sweet home! with the rubbish! i’ve never been so insulted!

where are we?

yikes! looks like our new bin was emptied!

never mind that! look what i’ve found!

c’mon, pups! let’s roll on home!

It’s Beanotown’s most famous fruit-powered superhero...

time i had a shower!

i like to have one at least once a year.

lots of lovely tea tree and semolina shower gel!

pooh! i don’t smell as nice as usual.

ing! r b g n i r b

who’s this on the bananaphone?

WHEN LITTLE ERIC EATS A BANANA... something’s wrong with beanotown’s soap, eric! it’s making people pongy! can you tell bananaman?

...HE BECOMES BANANAMAN!

sure thing, chiefy!

while people are too ashamed to pong in public, i can PINCH whatever i want!

i know who’s at the bottom of this… skunk-woman!

not so fast, skunk-woman! curses! it’s banana-breath!

your smelly soap scam has beaten me. please take these roses as a victory gift!

r-r-roses? but their lovely smell always makes me…

looks like i win, readers! smell you later!

blurgh!

The fastest boy in the world!

i’m after billy whizz.

there’s a police car outside!

i knew it! what have you done?!

don’t worry, you’re not in trouble. we need your help.

a police car?!

we’ve had new speed cameras put in all over town.

phew!

that’s right. we’d like you to make sure they all work!

so…

do you remember the route, billy? i’m ready, sergeant!

to stop cars from going too fast?

awesome!

flash!

on your mark, get ...oh, he’s gone. set…

flash!

flash!

fwoom! later…

faZoom!

well, how did the test go? great! check out all my photos!

Zoom!

ha-ha! billy’s the only kid who needs a speed camera to take a selfie!

Which Bash Stre Attention, class! It’s test time! Take Teacher’s quiz and find out which Bash Street Kid you are!

YES Are you the boss of your gang of friends?

YES

YOU’RE DANNY! Leader of the Bash Street Kids and master mischief maker!

NO NO Do you tell tales when people are naughty?

YOU’RE SMIFFY!

NO

Bash Street School called – they’re missing their idiot! Go buy some tartan paint!

YES

NO YOU’RE CUTHBERT!

8

You’re a total swot who’ll probably be headmaster one day. So you’ll still be able to get everyone else in trouble!

YES

T R A T S

Are you the tallest kid in your class?

Do you ASK for extra homework?

NO

YES Is your jotter full of doodles instead of work?

YES

YES

eet Kid are you?

YES NO

Do you wish you looked like Wayne Rooney?

YOU’RE PLUG!

Are you craftier than Roger the Dodger?

NO NO

You are the king of pulling faces! You can make little kids cry, grannies scream and Wayne Rooney look like a super model!

Are you always picked last in P.E.?

YES

YES YOU’RE FATTY! Who ate all the pies? You did!

And the doughnuts, biscuits, crisps and anything else that wasn’t nailed down! Yum!

Do you ASK for seconds at school dinners?

NO Do you copy your friend’s answers?

NO

NO Do you give a mean Chinese burn?

YES

YOU’RE TOOTS! Who says girls can’t play football? You don’t take any cheek from anyone, just like Toots!

9

Beanotown’s TOP trickster! and you’d better all be on your best behaviour. so

ooooh!

CRA CK!

none of this….

today, kids, we’re going to have a bake off! and the winner gets this massive bar of chocolate! ...definitely none of this…

bad luck, tricky!

everyone got that? okay! ready, steady,

...and do not do this!

cook!

i’ll never get that out of my hair! grr! he’s just trying to make sure i don’t win!

richard, clean this mess up.

thanks for adding the chilli, mr throbb. how did you know i was making a chilli chocolate

cake?

i wonder what he’ll try next?

bah!

tee-hee!

L! TWIR

oh no, richard! your cake’s burnt to a crisp! what a shame!

eat this!

it’s ok, mr throbb, here are some i made earlier!

your favourite – custard pies!

What training do you need to be a rubbish collector?

None, you just pick it up as you go along!

okay! okay! you get first prize!

the name’s tricky! tricky dicky! licensed to prank!

YOU’LL NEED:

flour t a bucke hite w grounrd e p pep

Ma ke you r frie nd’s hair tur n white wit h these awesom e flour pra nks!

1

m at e to an Ice Ch al leng e your r and, rig ht afte e ng a Buck et Ch al le er ov ur po , th em you’ve so ak ed too! buck et of flour

2 by stic king a Booby trap a cup board of flour, placing piece of string to a bag e of the she lf edg the the bag close to end of the and att aching the oth er your victim en Wh or. string to the do wil l pu ll the ing str the or, do the op ens r them! ove all it r pou flour over and

4

3

pepp er Mix lots of white ur flo of g ba into a in th e and put it back tim e xt Ne . cupb oard sh e’s in s ke ba m mu ur yo ris e! for a fiery surp

Sn eak up b e hi your friend nd an quietl y fi ll th d e hood of th e jack et or ju ir m wit h flour. p er W hen th e y pu ll it over th eir head th e y’ ll g et covered in it!

PRANKS M EA N pr IZ ES!

Send us a video or pic of your pranks and you could win a prize! Email them to editor@beano.com

Or pOSt tO: tricky Dicky’s School of pranks, the Beano, DC thomson, 80 Kingsway East, Dundee DD4 8SL

IT’S TIME TO TUNE IN TO BEANOTOWN’S AWESOME RADIO STATION… good of you to come in, cheryl. you’ve been an x-factor judge for ages now…

you’re listening to fun kids radio!

…do you still enjoy judging?

why aye an’ that, pet.

in the studio today… …cheryl from the x-factor!

that’s not cheryl! it’s toots! it’s a good job this is radio – the ed do you think i have the x-factor?

howay, like. your beautiful soul makes me cry, man!

howay like, man!

you’re from newcastle, the same city ant and dec come from. do you know them?

them’s me kids, man!

really?! how old are they?

they’re twelve and thirteen, like!

uh-oh!

oh no! it’s the real cheryl from the x-factor!

look out! she’s got a cricket bat!

Everybody’s got them!

there’s a lot going on in edd’s head…

dinner is almost over…

all numskulls love cake…

and for pudding… cake!

…some more than others!

out of the way, you lot! i need to get to the mouth department!

mouth department… what’s going on? why are you and radar here, brainy?

no reason.

yeah! do we need a reason to visit our old buddy… help me out here, er… tooth guy? radar! mouthy?

chomper!

it’s actually cruncher! – the ed

have you heard there’s gonna be cake, or something?

no! it’s nothing! it’s… er… cabbage cake! you wouldn’t like it!

sshh! don’t say it out loud! we don’t want everyone to know there’ll be cake!

did someone say “cake”?

47 mentions of “cake” later…

okay, but don’t tell anyone else about the cake!

it’s you who keeps saying “cake”!

did someone say “cake”?

arrrgh!

this is a disaster! it’s shared out so much, all i got was a crumb!

cabbage cake? i love cabbage cake!

What’s a porcupine’s favourite food?

Prickled onions!

urrgh!

gross! this isn’t cabbage cake, it’s chocolate!

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FUNNY Faces!

horse Cowboy hat Chaps pistol Boots outlaw Rustler Cattle Yeehaw

What’ s

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Plug!

Tur to pagn over to chee 35 you ck answ r ers!

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Spotty!

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Sucking a lemon!

! puzzles e m o s e Aw 12

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012.in

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09/09/2

Wicked prizes!

M IS FOR MINXING!

E

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He’s always got a trick up his sleeve! It’s...

woo-hoo! pocket money day!

one visit to the sweet shop later…

don’t spend it all at once!

i’m stuffed!

of course not, dad! oh no! i forgot to buy this week’s beano and now i’m broke!

beanotown has been struck by a zombie wallet epidemic!

dad will never give me more pocket money! time for dodge 4987f!

in the next room…

i’ll just watch the news before i have a snooze!

newsflash!

your wallet may turn into a rabid undead monster! with big teeth!

oh no!

save me!

we interrupt this programme for a

w-what do i do? what do i do?

ha! dad will be freaking out! who’s that at the door?

deadly wallet squad at your service! we’ll take that off your hands, sir!

yesss! beano, here i come!

phew! thank you!

blerk! even dennis’s sock is a menace! where am i going to get rid of this? thank heavens! i need your help! dennis’s dad? er… i mean, yes sir?

dennis has left one of his socks on the floor!

but…

stop right there!

you need to come with us!

quarantine activated! decontamination will be complete in one hundred years!

what? no! you don’t understand!

noooo! i’ll definitely miss

smelly sock detector! ho-ho! thanks for your help with my revenge, dennis’s dad!

this week’s beano now!

when will we let the little stinker out?

after top gear! let him sweat! heh-heh!

How do you make a sausage roll?

Push it down a hill!

No.4 BEDTIME SNACKING!

?

YOUR

!

DODGE SOLUTION

Smuggle the snacks past your mum without her knowing!

YOU’LL

NEED

2

1

My mum’s on a diet and won’t let me have a bedtime snack! Could you help me dodge nice food past her?

PROBLEM From From Jack, Aberdeenshire

l Mug l l Fa k e Sn ac ks! mug to pp e r (cut ou t fa k e co a nd us e our co a top p er!)

Ask your mum if you can have some cocoa to help you sleep.

Stuff as many snacks into the mug as you can!

3

Carefully cut round the dotted line of our fake cocoa topper.

✁

4

Cover the top of the mug with your fake cocoa topper to hide your snacks!

✁ DODGE TIP! CUT OUT AND USE THIS FAKE COCOA TOPPER!

?

AS K ROGE R FO R H EL P!

Need a dodge? Email Roger at roger@beano.com or write to him at: Roger’s Dodg’ems, The Beano, DC Thomson, 80 Kingsway East, Dundee, DD4 8SL

Try blowing on the mug to make it look like you’re cooling the hot cocoa with your breath! It’ll help the trick look real!

CUT OUT AND COLLECT!

c a n’t s le ep Teac h er: You S miffy! in m y c lass, e ld if you wer S miffy: I cou inute! quiet for a m

Teac her: W hat’s th e lo ng es t se nt ence you ca n thin k of?

Dan ny: Li fe im prison m ent?

issed Teach er: You m a y, sc ho o l y es terd d id n’t you? ry much.

‘E rb ert: N ot ve e ho m e W he n P lug ca m a y at fr o m his firs t d as ked, sc ho o l, his mum learn “W hat d id you n oug h,” tod a y?” “N ot e ve to g o said P lug. “I ha ”. b ack to m orr ow

r’s a t eac h e is t a h W e sum? favou rit r!

Sum - m e

Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at Cuthbert’s exam.

Wilfrid: I hope you didn’t, either!

Teac h er: W h o can r e m e m b er th e c h e mic a l for mu la for water?

Sp ott y: H I J K L M N O? Teac h er: N o , it’s H2O. Sp ott y: But th at’s w h at I s aid!

Teac her: W here’s your text bo ok?

Sid ne y: At ho me.

Teac her: W hat’s it doing th er e?

Sid ne y: Enjo yi ng its elf more th an me ?

Fatty: I do n’t think I deserved to get zero on this test!

Teac her: I ag re e, but th at’s th e lowes t mark I could give you!

Teacher: If I had ten apples in my right hand and nine in my left, what would I have?

Toots: Huge hands!

my dad’s gnasher...

...and he’s a gnip off the old block!

i’m in the money! i’m in the money!

here they are! my two little goldmines!

the barber’s?!

GRAB!

wHOA! dad’s loaded!

i’ve sold your hair to loo-brushes-r-us! get snipping!

gah! good!

garden shears should do it!

heh! it’ll take more than scissors to cut our hair!

SNAP!

gno way!

still no

gnerk! where is he taking us?

i’ve had enough of this! it’s gnashin’ time!

BReAk!

aaargh!

my lovely locks!

this will make brilliant bristles!

come back here, you two!

How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut!

talk about a close shave! let’s go, gnipper!

oi!