Beano Christmas Ettiquette Guide

© D C Thomson & Co Ltd

dis Contents Soun

ds like the n oise I ma f t a e r t oo m ke any spr outs!

FOREWORD by Lady Euphemia Trumphlepamphlet

CHAPTER ONE - BEFORE CHRISTMAS i) The Giving and Receiving of Gifts ii) Ensuring your Behaviour is Exemplary in Anticipation of Receiving Presents

Pages torn out! Way too soppy!

iii) Creating the Festive Mood - Carols Who’s C

s she in a mood arol, and why i ?

iv) Creating the Festive Mood {continued} - Decorating the Tree

Torn out! I’m allergic to decorations - I’ve got Tinselitis! Ho! Ho! Ho!

v) Creating the Christmas Mood {continuation continues} - The Yule Log

s a real block head! d a log, we’ve got Smiffy ... he’ e e n t ’ n o d e W ! t u o n r To

CHAPTER TWO - DURING CHRISTMAS ressies! y might be packing p e h t , g n i k c a p m ‘e Torn out! awful aunties? Clueless Cousins? Don’t send Stop drooling on the page, Fatty!

i) Greeting Guests

ii) Christmas Dining

SORRY! CAN'T HELP IT! SLOO!

iii) After Dinner Games and Amusements

Torn out! Too dull! Can’t believe they didn’t have computer games in Victorian Days!

CHAPTER THREE - AFTER CHRISTMAS i) Helpful Hints for Keeping Children Quietly Amused

We know how to keep ourselves amused!

QUIETLY?

Maybe NOT!

© D C Thomson & Co Ltd

A foreword by Lady Euphemia Trumphlepamphlet Duchess of Nether-Garments-Under-The-Wash TS! POO! MORE SPROU My good friend Earnest Newtbert Treaty, vicar of St Humphreys in the peaceful town of High Dudgeon, has prepared this wonderful guide to Christmas and its various customs and traditions for the delight and edification of the children of the gentry.

Through the examples in Mister Treaty's text, they will learn how to behave in a manner appropriate for the yuletide season and with a sprig of mistletoe IS plum pudding FOREWORD BY DENN herd of caribou an enormous wasp Hey, gang! flection. Even five cold things! ace, calm, and quiet re pe r fo e tim a is as Plug's tm Chris a pig with a banjo not exactly quiet if it's it's ,so ay Ok n! ow ot an here in Be mirrors for e CRASH of shattering th ar he n ca u yo ( n io hoop and a stick nt parts of reflect Twelve lobsters leapingmiles around… ) but peace and calm are importa Dad. And my Mum. Twelve lobsters leaping to my ast they are if you listen completely covered in jam . . .…

Christmas. At leannual rg Plunge-O d Se eant Slipper. Er r. Anmatch lte Wa d An . er ch ee Cr n. a monkey made of leather Oh, and Mrs ery grown-up in tow herd aboutofevcaribou t jus d An l. ne lo Co e and th hoop and a stick ll me something?) ing tooftemistletoe sprig ey'reatry thwith ink th u yo (Do annual Plunge-O match not even a grouse ns from the Victorian not even a grouse as traditio ristmpudding on Ch ok bo is th plum und fo I So but it was all , FOUR WO rs Creecher, I reckon) M as d ol as RLY have EA (N an enormous RDS times d a few of my mates e anwasp m hy w 's at Th BY d. ne io a bit old fash atopig with ANO style!

BEbanjo . . .… a date …

R E H S A decided to bring it up five cold things!

GN

GNASH! GNASH! GNASH! GNASH!

completelyrycovered in, jam Christmas Have a menacingly mer ietly… quleather ly andof a monkeylmmade just do it peacefully, ca (YEAH, RIGHT!?!)

Dennis

,

when the work was delayed, Mr Treaty was able to rely on the gracious assistance of Parson Snows, who was only too happy to help for, as he so eloquently says, "I know what it's like to be a little behind."

Therefore , children, do pay close attention to the invaluable advice contained within this most excellent guide to remaining on one's best behaviour at this time of the year if you wish to avoid a clip round the ear from nanny {or whichever servant has been assigned such duties while your parents attend to infinitely more important matters}.

You have been warned!

And a very merry Christmas to you all,

NO MORE CURRIED EGGS FOR ME

E. Trumphlepamphlet © D C Thomson & Co Ltd

CHAPTER ONE - BEFORE CHRISTMAS Part 1 - The Giving and Receiving of Gifts The giving of gifts at Christmas time is believed to have commenced with St Nicholas, the original figure on whom the new-fangled character of "Father Christmas", with his fashionable beard and modern, top of the range sleigh, is moulded. According to legend, good St Nicholas discovered that three local maidens were unable to marry as their poverty-stricken father was unable to raise sufficient funds for marriage dowries. St Nicholas crept unto their roof and dropped three bags of coins down the chimney, where PREPARING A CHRISTMAS LIST Volume e Book they in the maidens' stockings, thusXI) giving rise to the tradition of hanging stocks Dodg Christma m landed (Fro ings by the fireplace. s er here, with some top tips and handy hint Hi! It's Roger the Dodg sure you get exactly what on preparing your Christmas List to make you want. you want something, get Don't leave ANYTHING off your list! If 1. you DON'T want! You're never it on there! In fact, add a few things World war II bomber plane, REALLY going to need a giant gorilla, a do with them if you DID or an active volcano (and what would yoused them off the list, get them?) but when your folks have cros you REALLY want! you've got a better chance of getting what (unless you're a nutter); Here's some other things you WON'T want tary submarine, a crate of A pig with a banjo, a fully-working mili a grizzly bear, a grizzly poisonous Amazonian frogs, a chainsaw, bats, a flock of vampire bear WITH a chainsaw, a flock of vampire Dandy Annual. cats, a steam-roller with no brakes, a es and leave them Make sure everyone can see it! Make copi 2. brother, sister, auntie or EVERYWHERE, so any parent, grandparent,. Stuffed into Dad's sock uncle will find them, just to make sure e-mailed twice a day to drawer, stapled inside Gran's gossip mag, when he's napping! ANYWHERE! big sister, taped to uncle's bald head Other places to get your list noticed; lenses of grandad's Written really small and glued inside thean aeroplane flying over glasses, hundreds of copies dropped from army of contortionists, town, spelled out in human letters by an l football stadium, sung in flashed up in lights at an internationaon 'Britain's Strictly Got a screechy voice by a hopeless hopeful the X-Factor On Ice'. just in time for the Get started on NEXT YEAR'S list early 3.

January sales!

writing letters to "Father Christmas", and, on occasion, to his spouse, "Mary Christmas".

BUYa ING his does not require the expense of purchasing halfpenny GIFTS stamp, nor of despatching one's butler or footman to the local developed the unusual HOpost I! Minnoffice, ie the Miasnxchildren here, withhave a sim ple guideto add, and not to bu yinthe g giffireplace and fruitless habit of throwing them into letters, hasten ts. Especia{the lly if yo u're buIyin g r little, olChristmas the faithful servants} believing them to reachfoFather moregifts speedily by this d me!

1.

G e t m method than by the gentle ministrations of Here EGracious VERYTHINGMajesty's I asked for!Postal Service.

2. OR ELSE! S ee? Texamples On the following page, you will find splendid old you it wof suitable presents to request for as sthat implemay ! your own amusement, accompanied by suggestions of gifts be enjoyed by other members of the household. . Š D C Thomson & Co Ltd

Christmas Presents Which It Is Permissible to Request for Oneself Dear Santa, Fo r Cahriyoung stmasgentleman, I would like…

If you are you may request; If you are a young gentleman, you may request; A T a n k N o t th A hoop with a stick e kind for keepin A hoop with a stick A hoop without a stick g fish! An arm Redwithout and black (if oAustick A hoop a stick a hoop A small Satsuma th red onwithout ey have them in that e.

Re d a n d bl co a ck lo u ta r) A stick without a hoop A picture of the Prime Minister nk paint (if they do ! in thSatsuma n't have any tanks DearAEaster at colour).

A small book ofBunny, Latin Exercises A T a n For Halloween, I would like… k N o t th e A picture of the PrimeaMinister rm o u re d ki n d! fis T he kind they keep in.

A book of extra-hard sums A bookh of Exercises A SharkLatin to keep me smiling. , to ke in my fish tank.

A Catapult (Claep A bucket of clam jelly. ic Y-Design model) A Seasonal Stinss And another bucket to be mb Selection - a bu these scents, plkeaBo m pe r sick into (I REALLY don't pack in "Rotten Egg Egg-splo Toilet", and "Curriese sion", "Eau de like clam jelly!)

Some CDs “Now Thd Sprout Surprise".

A wobbly thing on a stick.

Racket - Volume 42at’s What I Call An Ear Splitting A sticky thing on a Other Traditional Fo”, “AAAARGH! My Head’s Exploding stick.

Noise - Volume 2”, lk Songs)”, “Noise”, “More Noise”, (and wobbly A sore knee. and, just for Christand “Will You Shut That Noise U“More Some wasps. p? mas, “Silent Night” (Ha-ha, only jokin”,g)!

A knit-your-own-octopus kit.

Thanks a lot, A brick-cosy for my pet Dennis pebble, Kevin.

P.S. Gnasher w ld like some seasonal year's supply oofubo sausage n hole and bury you es, and he promises not tos diagnd a r sledge (again) if h e gets them! a big

A balloon, and a pin, and a puncture repair kit.

Gibbons in a basket.

A new calendar.

Happy Valentine's Day, If you are a badly behaved young gentleman, you may request; Smiffy A lump of coal No supper for a week

S.P. (I don't know how to

as, spell P.S.) Can Kevin have ve; Dear Father Christm this year, I could ha , if ch u m ry ve it some CDs? He likes st as far I would like ju , re he w re ca 't on rock music! ay - I d A very long holid ! le ib ss po treet as ough away from Bash S ears! It's bad en 's g If you are a young lady, you may request; lu P ot N !

O (N er!) tt be m hi ar he Some ear-plugs to A doll, Lace gloves able m, without being A picture of Queen Victoria being able to see hi day! li ho g n lo ry ve s! , er inn A book of needlecraft exercises Another very lessons, or school d ce n ie sc of se ca in A gasmask Now we come to the vexed question of servants.

PHE-EW! ! ay d li Although they aresrof a different class, it is believed ho g , , very lon oom as cl e th in k A third very, very es my dthat servants also enjoy the Christmas period, and - starting under are s)!understand the nature of gifts. However, An escape tunnel e biscuitto (near ththought om ro f af st e th to ! these are proud people and may feel ashamed at lidaay and leading ng ho lo ry, veryreceiving ve , ry ve , ry ve a gratuity that they cannot hope to match r he Oh, and anot in value in return, therefore, if you must reward them, it is advisable to keep the presents as cheap and Yours sincerely, unintimidating as possible.

Teacher ry long holiday!

-e -e ve ry ve ry ve , very, very, very P.S. And another

CREATING A CHRISTMAS MOOD Part III - CHRISTMAS CAROLS

We wish you a Beano Christmas!

We wish you a Beano Christmas!

But Dad says there’ll be no Christmas if we don’t behave.

He must have gone mad, our soppy old Dad, To try to pinch our Christmas, he’s just not that brave.

In Plug's case, he shouldn't be seen either! HOI! I saw that, Danny!

Throughout eleven months of each year, children should abide by the old adage of being seen and not heard. However, in the weeks leading to the twenty-fifth of December, there can be much pleasant enjoyment to be found in the singing of festive songs, or Carols, named as such in honour of Carol MacChristmas, a most formidably courageous young crofter's daughter from the remote Scottish island of Auchyerhaverin who led the crew of the foundering S.S. Jonah through stormy gales that rocked those coastal waters one long past Christmas by standing on a craggy rock in her nightgown [keeping craggy rocks in nightgowns being a tradition on that isle] and singing at the top of her lungs and from the bottom of her heart.

And from the heart of her bottom? PHE-EW! Although a storm at sea would be ideal for drowning out the caterwauling of groups of children, carol singing is now an accepted part of Christmas. To this end, a fine example of this musical genre has been included on the facing page.

Dull! We've got our own Xmas Carols - to be sung LOUD!!! © D C Thomson & Co Ltd

N HIGH O Y L I R R E M G DING DON l rings, l e b r o i n e o n d ’ i s M , g Ding don ning i a l p m o c e r a The neighbours d lots of things e g a m a d s a h The minx g. let’s drainin l a w s ’ d a Now poor D

h, woe, o , e o w , h o Woe, e, o w , h o , e o w , h o oe, O h, w h, woe, Such woe, oh, woe, o To be a minx’s father!

DECK THE HALLS

Dennis calls with boughs of holly, Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Jabs po or Walter, the wet wall y, Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Walter leaps up to the ceiling, Fa la la, la la la, la la la.

Wakes the neighbou rs wit h his squealing, Fa la la la la, la la la la.

JINGLE BELLS Wafting through the school Is a fog that’ s green and thick All the children d rool, Not hungry, they feel sick Pots on cookers burn Things in pans go HISS It’s enough to make your stomach turn It shouldn’t taste like this!

Dinner bells, the cooking smells The kids have run awa y Olive needs new recipe book To make the diners stay s dinner bells, her tu mmy swells She’s bigger every day She has to scoff t he lot or take The leftovers aw ay.

Bash Street Scho ols’ closed for the hols, Fa la la la la, la la la la.

No kids to d rive Teacher up the walls , Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Teacher can’t believe the quiet, Fa la la la la, la la la la.

All year round theyr’ e running riot, Fa la la la la, la la la la. © D C Thomson & Co Ltd

DURING CHRISTMAS Part II - A Polite Guide to Christmas CHRISDining TMAS DIN

NER DOs & DON'T

s DO make sure yo u have en for everyon ough food e you've when Christmas dinner is the most important part of the dayMin civilised household, invited OREthe if one of t heminis aFacelebratory family members and honoured guests gather round the table to share tty!

DON'Tonasmince repast. It is categorically not a time for gorging oneself pies and slipping into a k Olive to cook comatose state in front of the making-your-own-entertainment cabinet Christmas dinner!

ERING

OLIVE’S FESTIVE MENU L STARTERS

Bean Soup We know what it's been, but what is it NOW? Stuffed Mushrooms Won't be mush room in the bin when you've stuffed 'em in there!

MAIN COURSE Cremated Roast Potatoes and Stuffed Sea-Turkey SQUID!!! A drumstick for everyone guaranteed!

Roast Fowl VERY FOUL ! ! !

Pheasant Not Pleasant !

Steamed Snail and Garlic Custard (Be sure to ask the chef for extra helpings)

a sick bag !

Fresh salmon ella

DESSERTS Fleas Cheese and Crackers You'd have to be crackers to try them Curried Prunes Prunes off! There's been a run on 'em!

Various flavours of Ice Cream urs! Sprout and Mango??? Cauliflower Ripple???

I scream? Everyone'll scream when they see the flavo Nuts You'd have to be to try Olive's cooking!

A SELECTION OF SEASONAL RECIPES A Partridge in a Pear Tree Step 1. Before preparing this seasonal delicacy, be sure to check with Cook that she has an oven big enough to cook an entire pear tree.

Step 2. Send your gamekeeper out to catch a partridge.

Step 3. On E

DENNIS'S RECIP

Duck a la Tomato erripe tomato.

1. take a large, ov a catapult .

2. Lightly fit it into 3. Take aim. mato.

4. Release the to 5. DUCK!

GNASHER'S Recipe (written down by Dennis) 1. Take one bone.

2. Dig a hole (HINT - The Colonel's flower-beds are nice and soft for digging) 3. Put bone in hole.

4. Top with dirt until hole is filled.

5. Leave for a week or two.

6. Dig bone up again.

7. Dig another hole.

8. Put bone in hole.

9. See Step 4.

10. Repeat until you find a fresh bone.

FATTY'S RECIPE 1. Take one Christmas pudding.

2. Take another Christmas pudding , and some turkey drumsticks.

3. Take a couple of jellies and a bo wl of ice-cream.

4. Take the bowl of ice-cream back and replace with a full carton of ice-cream (and take the bowl anyw ay).

5. Take another couple of Christm as puds (small ones - don't want to overdo it, do we?) and some cake.

6. Take care the elastic in your un dies doesn't go PING when you repeat steps 1-5 !

SMIFFY'S RECIPE! Turkey Surprise rkey lives.

1. Find out where a tu 2. Sneak up behind it. !

3. Jump out and shout BOO , surprised! y e rk tu e n O ! o g There you

ROGER'S RECIPE 1. Trick someone else into making it for yo u.

(Dodger's DON'T cook!

Except when they're cooking up schemes!) Š D C Thomson & Co Ltd

ABOUT THE AUTHOR The Reverend Mr Earnest N. Treaty was born in 1831 in the remote village of Dullard, where he spent a quiet childhood being seen and not heard and

IS A REALLY BORING WRITER WHO SHOULD PUT SOME EXPLOSIONS OR DINOSAURS OR SPACESHIPS OR DINOSAURS IN EXPLODING SPACESHIPS IN HIS BOOKS IF HE WANTS PEOPLE TO READ THEM AND NOT DIE OF BOREDOM! SO THERE! By the Same Author -

The Easter Etiquette Guide - How Not to Put all Your Eggs in One Basket The Children's Guide to Being Seen and Not Heard The Children's Guide to Not Being Seen or Heard The Cattle's Guide to Being Seen In a Herd The Young Person's Guide to Going to Bed Without Any Supper The Young Person's Guide to Going To Work Early at a Mill (Without Any Breakfast) The Bumper Book of Avoiding Fun The Dandy Annual

By the Same Authors!!!

Dodge Books Volumes 1 - 10,000 "I Must Not Splat Teacher with Rotten Eggs and Tomatoes in Class!" !"

"I Must Not Splat Teacher with Rotten Eggs and Tomatoes in Class in Class!"

"I Must Not Splat Teacher with Rotten Eggs and Tomatoes (times another 96) "Walter is a sneaky, smelly swot, He's Mrs Creecher's chum.

This teacher's pet, is soppy and wet, And deserves a kick up the..." board. Boo!) (Poem out of print - Mrs Creecher rubbed it off the black

The Beano Annual US!!! Wanna argue about it?

Voted Best Book of All Time! Voted for by Š D C Thomson & Co Ltd