Attorney Curmudgeon

ATTORNEY CURMUDGEON | BY LASZLO SCOFFLAW

Audios, Docket

The powers that be at your Denver Bar Association have decided that it is time to “pause and reevaluate” the very existence of The Docket. That is bureaucrateze for: No More Docket. It is no different than the time my former employer decided to “pause and reevaluate” my contributions to that enterprise. I haven’t been back since.

I know that this is shocking news because you all are wondering how this decision affects me, Laszlo Scofflaw. Well, don’t worry about old Laszlo; my observations about life and my brilliant advice to lawyers are in such demand that I have no doubt this column will soon be picked up by a more reputable publication than The Docket. I am already in negotiations with The National Enquirer and The Onion. And no doubt the opinion pages of The Washington Post, The New York Times and numerous high school newspapers around the country will soon follow.

But being the caring person that I am, my concern is for you, my many and loyal fans. Readers of The Docket have benefitted from my observations and advice for several years. You are now apt to go into a severe depression upon learning that my column, the only thing worth reading in The Docket lo these many years, will no longer be available. I feel your pain. Just look back at the many topics I have written about for no reason but my unselfish desire to improve my life by improving yours. Among other things, I have instructed you on the joys of elections, how Covid affected me, why you all are dopes on social media, why you have stupid names, and how to stop whining about work. The list is extensive. My absence will leave you all as lesser individuals.

But I won’t apologize for abandoning you. You know who to blame. It’s the millenials and Gen Whatevers who have taken over the world (forget that the President of the United States is a million years old, he is merely a puppet of the people under 40). You know who they are: the people who grew up with participation trophies and being chauffeured by their parents all over town to their soccer games and play dates (you want to know why we have a climate crisis? It’s all the pollution caused by driving around kids who have two perfectly good legs).

I have fought the good fight against these entitled burdens on society, and I won’t be giving up just because the DBA has eliminated my forum. Did getting his Twitter account amputated stop Donald J. Trump (a great American)? Of course not, and neither will this Docketectomy.

I won’t let you down. I have your back. I won’t be silenced. Look for an announcement very soon about my podcast, available for a paltry $4.50 per month. I may be gone, but won’t be forgotten. This isn’t adios for me: it’s just a pause and reevaluation.