CHRISTOPHER MOORE

Being On The Spectrum

The story of an Information Technology expert who struggled with undiagnosed borderline autism all his life and almost gave up with a suicidal car crash. Find out how he turned his life around to superior performance and award success at work.

very job I had, I had some kind of problem. Most of the time, it was on a personal level: Not getting along with other people or people being upset with me and I didn’t know why.

At one of my previous jobs, I had only received positive feedback from management. I was often reminded what a good job I was doing. With that, I was fired without warning. They gave only flimsy reasoning, including failing to fill out paperwork which was “found in a drawer” to which I had no memory of.

At the second to last job I had, the daily feedback I received from my manager would give the average person the idea they were being fired. Yet, they never fired me or reprimanded me, officially. I did not receive feedback like this from anyone else. I eventually left that job of my own accord.

The last job experience I had ended the worst.

That job allowed for focus on growth and as such was very important to me.

Once again, I had no idea what I did wrong. They gave loose reasoning, vaguely touching upon “professionalism” and promptly fired me.

I felt so backwards from the rest of the world. I had no idea what I was doing wrong and felt that I couldn't trust reality.

Frustrated, I impulsively took my car off the road and into a tree. Miraculously, I had no physical injuries. However, I was placed under a psychiatric hold at the hospital for ten days.

After being released from the hospital, I felt even worse. I felt like my instincts were wrong and that I couldn’t trust myself - as if I would walk on my hands if someone didn’t tell me otherwise. As such, I did whatever anyone told me to do, and went to a day program and found a new therapist, as well.

In time, I found myself watching things that I say and do. I resisted complaining at work, while also being careful not to be walked on.

Finally, I received the diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder. This diagnosis made the most sense to me, though I am on the borderline end of the spectrum, what they call “high-functioning.”

I’m not sure if this qualifies as a “personal resource,” but I wouldn’t have made it through this tough time without my wife. As for other sources of social support, this is actually a problem to date. Having a full time job and being a full time dad coupled with social anxiety has left me pretty isolated. I’m sure I would feel even better if I could find some friends.

However, I can say that the ASD diagnosis has granted me a greater understanding of why I might be confused by other people’s actions.

I also find myself constructively second guessing my thoughts and actions, giving greater consideration as to why I might feel a certain way and if my feelings and/ or actions are valid.

Truth be told, marriage counseling may be helping the most.

It has granted me outside input, mediated by a professional. This can help to have a constructive conversation rather than a berating argument. This has also helped my wife and life partner to understand how my mind works and what is okay and not okay. It can help her to understand and be okay with me needing rest and it has helped me to take little steps in taking pressure off my wife. Like cooking, cleaning, and helping to take care of our son.

Thinking about my history of depression... I do not know how my depression started. I believe it to be a chemical imbalance that I was born with. However, I can tell you that although I grew up in a loving and supportive home, it had its fair share of dysfunction.

“Being on the Spectrum,”Poster Art by Sumy Sarfaraz for the ROR Magazine.

My father was always pissed off and I never understood why until he revealed his secret drinking habit. My parents would often argue in front of me and with a great deal of sarcasm. My mother would frequently go around the house in a panic stating that we would “lose the house” (didn’t have enough money to pay the bills).

My behaviors and actions were met with heavy criticism. Although I was never insulted or purposely made to feel bad, I regardless developed a low opinion of myself and have confidence issues to this day. They were also just negative people, overall. For example, the topics which garnered the most attention at the dinner table were of some bad news or otherwise negative discussions.

My issues started with panic attacks at a very young age. As I said, I did grow up in a loving household, and my mother was quick to bring me to a doctor and then eventually into therapy. This is also where my inability to pay attention in class and sit still was addressed. I was medicated at a very young age and remain medicated to this day.

I can’t say that during the previous jobs, the medication and therapy attention I had received as an adult didn’t help. I was definitely better with care, rather than without. And yet, I still crashed my car.

The action of crashing my car, I believe, can be attributed to a combination of the impulsive behavior that