Africa

AFRICA

CAMEL

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Even on a beast known to be grumpy and bad tempered the knees of the camel are not a pretty sight. The spindly front legs, which have to carry the substantial cantilever of the long neck and lofty head, bend uncomfortably at the knees and op at the wide feet. The knees appear as uneven lumps covered in faded teddy bear fur and the occasional grey warts. The only way the camel can lower itself is by dropping on the front knees and leaving its hindquarters in the air in a rather undigni ed manner.

Then after some groaning and even spitting it lets the rear legs give way and behold the camel now rests on the ground but still holding its head high. The front knees are crucial for the well being of the camel so the camel drivers carry pieces of oriental carpet, which they throw on the stony ground before the whole kneeling procedure takes place. No sensible camel will kneel without them. They are the magic carpets of the camel world.

ELEPHANT

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The elephant, even at birth, has the wrinkled grey skin of an old man. Its eyes look sideways heavily shielded by untidy eyelashes, which resemble those of the late Saul Bellow and the whale. This is not surprising since the whale is a distant relative of the elephant. The brain, under the huge skull, never forgets the whereabouts of water or a favour or a slight. It is unwise to upset an elephant for it will charge stamping its enormous feet, ap its dusty ears and trumpet to heaven 'do not mess with me'. The trunk of the elephant is a powerful but delicate instrument for smelling, lifting, squirting and blowing. So the elephant is amply provided with four feet and an all-purpose trunk. The elephant is the highway engineer of the jungle trampling down paths that other animals can follow.The elephant has a huge appetite and a stomach that passes out half digested food. The enormous droppings are a source of nourishment for others. Small monkeys can hardly wait for a passing elephant to have a poo. They scramble down to look for fruit with their busy bony hands in the heaps of dung. The dung beetle lays its eggs and rolls the dung balls, improbably, backwards. Clumps of grass grow on the dropping making them useful look-outs for smaller creatures. The elephant is indeed the provider for all.

RHINOCEROS The rhinoceros is the steel plated unthinking tank of the animal kingdom, or so we think. Albrecht Dürer did no favours to its long lasting image. It is in fact a gentle grass-muncher who has to eat such huge amounts that it hates being disturbed. So when an animal or a human is near it will charge aimlessly around for the rhinoceros has very poor eyesight. Underneath the great hulk though is a romantic spirit and the male rhinoceros will woo the female with rhyme: 'Oh, Rhina my dear your horn I don't fear the twitch of your ear will bring me to tear. then Rhina replies you are a brute but I like you now end this awful schmaltz'.

Let us dance the panzer waltz.

The rhinoceros has a sensitive upper lip for picking grass and kissing. It is indeed a heavy breather...Unfortunately, some people believe that they can have the volcanic sexuality of the rhinoceros by eating powder made from its horn. Of course it is nothing more than compressed hair but this fact has not penetrated the consciousness of the frustrated Chinese. Therefore the rhinoceros is in great danger. It just shows how careful you have to be with your image.

GIRAFFE

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The giraffe is the only animal, which though not able to y has a bird's-eye-view of the savannah. It always appears lofty and digni ed, hardly ever in a hurry. This is because it can see danger far away. It's eyeballs protrude for all-round vision spotting foolish predators in the long grass. The lions can be very persistent though about baby giraffes.If surrounded the mother giraffe jumps vertically in the air. No lion will walk away having a tonne of giraffe land on it so they give up and look for less risky prey. The giraffe has a long, soft and sensuous tongue to get around rapier like thorns and lick whenever the occasion demands it. Giraffes cannot make sudden movements due to the length of everything. Simply lowering their heads will not reach the ground. They have to spread their legs in a triangle to drink water from the ponds. Male giraffes have a lonely existence and are only allowed into the herd to deposit themselves in the females. When the time of the year comes they bang their necks around each other in rather comical fashion.

Once they perform their duty off they go to fend for themselves. Some male giraffes live their whole lives on their own unful lled and die lonely deaths.

PUKU

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The puku is not one of the stars of wild life in Africa but it has dignity and pluck. It is a modest grass eater living mostly in the marshlands around Zambia. It feeds during the twilight hours so zoologists call it crepuscular in its habits. The puku is short, only weighs about eighty kilos, with strong shoulders standing on sturdy legs. There is nothing much spectacular about it. What sets the puku apart is its very casual habit of nding mates. The male puku lives on its own blending into the bush as much as it can to escape the attention of the usual butchers. When the time comes it will walk up and down in the middle of grassy patches, at no little danger to itself, and wait for the females to come to him. The males parade like this a few hundred yards apart wiggling their short tails. No running after the females for them or the indignity of combating each other for the favour of the other sex. The male puku just waits and sure enough if they look enticing the females wander up and the next generation of puku is assured. Unexpectedly the puku is able to whistle when it senses danger and the really keen females lustily take up the Lauren Bacall call to the males: 'just whistle.' Well, if the females are not interested then the male puku starts looking anxious, downhearted and even succumb as an easy meal.

LEOPARD

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The lion may be king, and often a scruffy king, but the leopard is the elegant prince. Like all true sporting gures the leopard is never in a hurry. Rarely seen, it saunters on its short legs in the scrub and smoothly disappears into the tall grass. Being a lone hunter it cannot afford injuries so the leopard never picks a ght with other predators. The leopard is very smart and always alert to danger. Incredibly strong it can haul a kill above its own weight onto the branches of trees and eat at its leisure. Then it stares down dismissively at the howling hyenas gathering around the trunk. 'You chaps cannot climb so don't make asses of yourselves'. It can even leave its kill safely for a later day. Hunting after dark the leopard uses stealth to get close to its prey.

Gazelles, deer and other small grass eaters stand anxiously in a circle snif ng and listening to anything suspicious and will ee in an instant. The leopard is unable to chase, it can only move fast for the last few yards. This prince seems to go into an orgy rolling around on its back, to disguise the leopard scent, then crawl forward pleasurably on its stomach. If the leopard is successful then it has to nd the nearest tree with the kill in a hurry. If not, it stands up in a bored quite of way looking slightly embarrassed for such a perfect creature. And true, it never changes its spots

HIPPOPOTAMUS Male hippos engage in the curious contest of trying to yawn each other into submission. ‘You bore me more than I bore you’ opening their jaws as if about to swallow a whale. Their enormous molars threateningly jut out from behind square lips exposing the pink tongue and throat. Of course it is just to impress the females who keep being immersed in the river occasionally peering out at this silly display. Hippos do everything in the river; the poo they disperse with the propeller like action of their tails, because this is the way of hippo etiquette. Hippos share the rivers with crocodiles but never threaten each other abiding by the status quo in a curious parallel with the Cold War recognising that there is no advantage in mutual destruction. However a hippo carcass is fare game and crocs and lions have been seen pulling for the meat at opposite ends. Hippos are dangerous and the shuddering clamp of the their jaws is often fatal.

At night the hippos emerge and go ashore to feed on the adjacent grasslands. Surprisingly the hippos have thin skins and often return with deep cuts as they try to squeeze between sharp bushes. In a helpful symbiosis small birds perch on the wide oily backs gulping a little blood and picking out larvae from the wounds. Do hippos and horses ever recognise each other as cousins?

ZEBRA Zebras always look impeccable as they show off their dinner jackets and deliciously round hindquarters. Kicking up dust, shaking their heads, whisking long tails they run around creating anarchy all around them. Zebras form smallish groups mixing with the other grazers. Like all members of the equine family they live in strict hierarchy, those who forget their station are put in their place with a nudge or a nip. Zebras will roll around in the dirt to rid themselves of blood sucking insects and kick all four legs in the air for good measure. The zebras can gallop away swiftly though no match for the elegant gazelles.

They bite with their large protruding teeth but that is only of any use against other zebras. Zebras can also give a good kick to break a chaser's jaw. Their most effective defence against lions is confusing them with their OpArt coats. Dozens of Bridget Riley paintings moving, overlapping, turning spreading out can make even the most diligent lion dizzy and give up with a headache. Just like scrambling the zebra name.

brazebr abrazzabr ezbraezabb ezazaebarbrez aaabrezebra brabrazb eza This is what a hungry lion has to put up with to get a decent meal!The zebra is a spirited survivor and cannot be tamed.

HYENA

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The hyena is the ugliest, most disgusting smelling mongrel like creature in Africa. And to boot it has a frightening howl that carries around for miles. However in the gender stakes it has some unique features for the females dominate in every sense.Hyenas have longer front than rear legs so when running they look like rocking horses but without any grace or fun. They can and will eat rotten meat with relish. Their super sharp teeth are hard enabling the hyena to break and chew bones into small pieces. After a kill, usually by other hunters, nothing remains once the hyenas had their ll. Their stomachs seem to be made of cast iron. The droppings of the hyena are chalk-white, just about the only pure thing about them.They bring up their young in lairs into which they climb backwards, perhaps that is why they have shorter hind legs. The cubs can appear quite cute rst but not for long.

Although the hyena is not smart like a wild dog it can be vicious and dangerous in large numbers, hence the howl to bring others around once lions or cheetahs or leopards have made their kills. Then there is a stand off, which only a prey of lions can withstand. Cheetahs are easily shooed off and leopards will not pick a ght.

The females are larger than the males and just to show who is boss can display long fake penises (really turned out vaginas). No wander the male hyenas cower in the back waiting their turn howling in frustration.

BUFFALO

The bu alo is the reluctant and bad tempered provider for the lions’ vast appetite. Being a grass muncher what it lacks in intelligence makes up with aggression, muscle and dangerous horns. The horns grow over its skull like badly tting wigs curling up in points that can pierce and tear. The lions, even in a pride, are no match for a herd of buffalo. Even a single male buffalo will put up a heroic ght.

A story, perhaps a tall story, goes around in Africa of a lm, which shows a ght to-the-death between lions and one male buffalo. According to this tale the buffalo killed six lions before succumbing itself. What a feast that was for the waiting hyenas! One of the great sights of Africa is watching a huge tonnage of buffalo thundering past kicking up dust, groaning, dripping sweat and saliva, bumping into each other as they rock their heavy bodies in ungainly gallop. The surplus young male buffaloes are pushed out to form small bachelor groups. Their short fuse fuelled by unsatis ed testosterone makes them the Saturday night drunks of the bush but with no oozies in sight.

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