What me worry

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THE ARTIST

by Kelefa Sanneh —

The Artist: An Auxological Perspective

One day in 1946, Sammy Davis, Jr., went to see his friend Billy Eckstine. He was broke, and he asked Eckstine to lend him five dollars. Eckstine didn’t respond, so Davis stuck around to watch his act. Decades later, Davis remembered the feeling: “He was everything I was not: tall”—Davis was five-five—“and good-looking and sure of himself, and he had every right to be.” After the set, Eckstine slipped Davis something, which turned out to be a hundred-dollar bill.

Davis converted to Judaism after a car accident, and he told one rabbi that he was drawn to the religion by its message of possibility: “I love the idea that we can all reach for the brass ring and we can keep stretching until we’re tall enough to reach it.”

Maria Bartiromo, the CNBC anchor, has written a self-help book called, “The 10 Laws of Enduring Success.” Each law gets a chapter, and each chapter title is a noun. In order: self-knowledge, vision, initiative, courage, integrity, adaptability, humility, endurance, purpose, resilience. In the self-knowledge chapter, she writes about setting reasonable goals: “If you’re five foot two, you wouldn’t say, ‘I’d be successful if I played for the NBA.’” Around the same time the book was published, there was a profile of Bartiromo in Vanity Fair. From the first paragraph: “[S]he arrived looking lovely and earnest, and not as tall as she seems to be on TV. She’s five feet five, she told me. ‘But on television, everyone is the same height.’ (They adjust the chairs.)”

Atmore is a small town in Southern Alabama, on the Florida border. In 2007, the police reported that a seventy-year-old man had shot his sixty-two-year-old friend in the abdomen, twice. Apparently, the men had been arguing about James Brown. More specifically: they had been arguing over how tall he was. Some reports say he was five foot five, but no one seems to know for sure.

In the last days of 1998, the Buffalo Bills and the Miami Dolphins were preparing to meet in the A.F.C. wild-card game. In an interview, Buffalo’s quarterback, Doug Flutie, accused the Dolphins’ cornerbacks of illegal holding. Sam Madison, one of the cornerbacks, said, “What is he, five-five?” He added, “I can’t wait to get him on the ground, so I can shove Flutie Flakes down his throat.”

The Dolphins won, and although Flutie played seven more seasons, he never got another chance in the postseason. In the locker room after the game, Jimmy Johnson, the Dolphins’ head coach, reportedly punched or stomped a box of Flutie Flakes, spraying cereal everywhere. But don’t worry about Flutie—it turns out that Madison was wrong, possibly by as much as five inches.

In “School Daze,” the Spike Lee movie from 1988, Lee plays Half-Pint, a glasses-wearing college kid trying to join Gamma Phi Gamma. Giancarlo Esposito plays Julian, leader of the Gammas. Early on, the lowly Gammites line up for inspection; Julian goes down the row and stops at Half-Pint, leaning in close.

“Half-Pint,” says Julian.

“Yes, Dean Big Brother Almigh-tee,” says Half-Pint.

“How tall are you?”

“Five feet, five inches,” says Half-Pint.

“Yeah,” says Julian. “You’re a five foot, five inch piece of shit.”

“Yes, Dean Big Brother Almigh-tee,” says Half-Pint.

Sammy Davis, Jr., backstage (date unknown)

An issue of Time from October, 1996, has an illustration on the cover showing a man in a suit standing head and shoulders above a sea of shorter men in suits. There are clouds around the tall man’s shoulders, and he is enjoying the sun, while all the shorter men are suffer through the rain. The headline reads, “Upward and Onward,” and the article inside is about “the emerging science of auxology, the study of human growth.” Height is adduced as a rough measure of “healthiness and social well-being,” and the increasing tallness of Europeans is noted. The article is about as upbeat and optimistic as the illustration on the cover. But look at the cover again, and imagine it in reverse: a sea of taller men, enjoying the sun; one shorter man down below, getting rained on.

That would be a more beneficial arrangement, but perhaps not a happier one. Downward and backward.

On the Internet, someone asks a question: “Is five foot five for a 14 year old boy short, medium or tall?” One person tells him he’s average for his age. This is Yahoo! Answers, where kindness is more the rule than the exception. Another response: “That’s fine. Don’t worry.” Yet another: “Today in the USA it’s the top of short,” says Terry, who claims to be a retired nurse. “In Japan, China, etc. it’s normal.”

O.J. Simpson is six foot one, which was above average for an N.F.L. running back, and still is. Nicole Brown Simpson was about five foot five.

George and Jerry are sitting in a booth at the diner. George is wearing a plaid shirt in autumn colors. He says, “You know what I’d like to do? I’d really like to have sex with a tall woman.” Laughter. “I mean, really tall, like a, like a giant”—more laughter, and George gestures upward—“like, six-five.” (Jason Alexander, who played George, is about five foot five.)

Jerry squints and nods. “Really,” he says.

“See, this is all I think about,” George says. “Sleeping with a giant.”

On October 9, 1977, the New York Yankees and the Kansas City Royals played the fifth and final game of the American League Championship Series. The Royals, the home team, scored two runs in the bottom of the first inning, and they held their lead until the top of the ninth, when the Yankees scored three, due in part to an error committed by Fred Patek, the Royals’ shortstop. Patek was unusually short (perhaps five foot five, though some thought he was closer to five foot four), and he was in his prime; he had made the All-Star Team in 1976, and he would make it again in 1978. He got a chance for redemption in the bottom of the ninth: he

(left) Fred Patek clowning around, 1976 (right) David Spade on the set of Tommy Boy, 1994

came to the plate with one on and one out and the Royals trailing by two. But Patek swung at the first two pitches and then hit the third one into the infield. The Yankees turned a double play. The game was over, and so was the series, and, for the Royals, the season. Patek stayed in the dugout, alone, after his teammates had shuffled off. It was his thirty-third birthday.

Steve Rubell, the co-founder of Studio 54, died in the summer of 1989. In the days afterward, an anonymous “family friend” offered a brief psychological portrait in New York magazine. The friend said, “His brother, who was tall and good-looking, became a doctor. So he was driven. People who are shorter sing and dance faster. He was always saying, ‘Hey, I’m here.’” Rubell was five-five. According to the article, they used to call him Little Stevie Wonder, which is also what they used to call Stevie Wonder.

A very partial list of other people who allegedly know how it feels: Senator Al Franken, who was a wrestler in high school; Brian Johnson, lead singer of AC/DC, who nevertheless towers over the guitarists; Mel Brooks and, likewise, Woody Allen; Billy Joel, who probably doesn’t like to talk about it; Daniel Radcliffe, who doesn’t seem to mind talking about it; Lil Boosie, who might never get out of jail; Alicia Silverstone, who has earned the celebrity equivalent of tenure, but probably doesn’t want it; Trindon Holliday, a running back who is just starting his N.F.L. career; Silvio Berlusconi, the Prime Minister of Italy, and Nicolas Sarkozy, the President of France, and Diego Maradona, the pride of Argentina; Aaliyah, who never hooked up with Jet Li in “Romeo Must Die” (she said they filmed a kiss but decided not to use it); Thom Yorke and Bishop Desmond Tutu and David Spade and Aretha Franklin and Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Walters and Bow Wow.

—

Remarks From the Artist in His Studio, Presented in Chronological Order, Annotated but Otherwise Unedited

I don’t want to die without saying this. It leaves little to the imagination. In terms of putting it in a book, it’s scary, because I don’t get to curate who sees it.

I don’t even know if it feels like art1, but I was compelled to do it for three years.

I think there’s too much already2. It’s time to whittle down. For a while I was producing so much, I felt like I had to slow down3 and actually experience things without talking about them5. Go to the show and not worry about analyzing it5.

I mean, the whole conversation of, “I’m so sad, I miss my dad, I don’t want to die”? Sure. And maybe6 I’ll be ready to talk about it again. I don’t know. You want another beer?

The one person I keep thinking about is Conor Oberst. Because he didn’t leave anything to the imagination.

And I like that. But at a certain point, it’s just like, wait a minute. Did that girl really exist? And I take liberties with things. I like to exaggerate.

Is it accurate? Frighteningly so.

I was making these cutouts, and it was just so polished. I mean, I’m a loudmouth7.

It’s very nineties. Like, super heavy-handed. But whatever—this whole thing is super, super heavy-handed.

1

Really, dude?

2

Really, dude?

3

Really, dude?

4

Really, dude?

5

Really, dude?

6

Really, dude?

6

Really, dude?

—

The Artist: A Discographical Perspective

In the summer of 1989, at a party in Raleigh, North Carolina, which may well have been a keg party, a band called Chunk played its first show. The singer was a former hardcore kid named Mac McCaughan, a little guy with longish hair— unless he had cut it by then—who always looked as if he were straining to reach the microphone. The bassist was Laura Ballance a former goth who wasn’t so sure she wanted to be in a band. They were a couple. The next year, Chunk became Superchunk, because there was already a band called Chunk, and Superchunk released “Slack Motherfucker,” a single named after a song that swiftly became the one they were known for, and probably remains that, twenty years later.

Superchunk got popular, in an indie-rock sort of way, selling tens of thousands of albums, even though McCaughan wasn’t weird enough to be a true cult hero. Superchunk’s 1993 album, “On the Mouth,” included a typically ambivalentsounding song called, “Trash Heap,” which works equally well as a call to arms and a resignation notice. It goes, “Pardon this, a trash heap.” Or, “Part of this, a trash heap.” Hard to tell.

Right before the tour for “On the Mouth,” McCaughan and Ballance made an announcement to the rest of the band: they were breaking up, but the band was staying together. The next Superchunk album was called “Foolish.” The cover was a painting by Ballance showing a woman and, behind her, a dead rabbit hanging in a doorway. The album included a grand song called, “Driveway to Driveway,” which seems to ennoble the break-up, making it easy to imagine the singer as a brave soldier fighting for a lost cause: “Driveway to Driveway drunk, I don’t remember this too well/Glad I have the scrapes to prove, prove it was me who fell.” There was a black-and-white video in which McCaughan fought some asshole for Ballance’s affection. In “Our Noise,” a history of the band and their label, Merge Records, Ballance remembers the video: “I can’t believe I didn’t just go, ‘No!’ Because it was torture. I dreaded every minute of having to participate in that. I cried a lot. You can probably see it on my face in the video. It sucked. Mac and I were just barely talking then.”

Around the same time as the break-up, McCaughan started Portastatic, a solo project that was meant to give him an outlet for smaller, quieter songs. One day, McCaughan got a letter from an art-school kid who published a

fanzine called Trash Heap. He wanted to know if McCaughan would be interested in contributing a song to a split single (with the Brooklyn indie band Ida on the other side), to be released as a giveaway with the next issue of Trash Heap. McCaughan sent back a DAT tape containing a song called, “Too Close to the Screen.”

McCaughan later said, “It’s got a lot of my favorite things about making Portastatic records—putting drum machines through distortion and effects boxes, casio organ sounds, the ‘Voice’ setting on the Korg Micro-preset synth, not to mention the fake Tuba solo at the end.”

(left) Superchunk, 1990 (center) Superchunk, 1995 (right) Superchunk, 2002

The most popular Superchunk album is “Here’s Where the Strings Come In,” from 1995, which included a zippy pop-punk song called, “Hyper Enough.” It sold almost fifty thousand copies, and the ones that came after all sold less. In 2002, Superchunk played New York as an opening act, supporting the Get Up Kids, an emo band from Missouri full of guys who had grown up listening to Superchunk. Their young fans didn’t seem too impressed. Somehow, McCaughan enjoyed this tour, and he didn’t get depressed as the rooms he played stayed the same or got smaller. In 2006, McCaughan brought Portastatic—a full band, by then—to the Mercury Lounge, on Houston Street, which has a capacity of two hundred and fifty. He was standing at the merch booth when he saw a guy he dimly remembered from a decade ago. The guy held up his arm to reveal a message written, permanently, in cursive: “Driveway to Driveway.” McCaughan licked his thumb and pretended to try to rub it off.

—

Selected Emails From the Artist (Excerpted), 2005-2010

There’ll be a memorial service for my old man Friday at the U.N., but I’m just letting you know. No pressure at all. I’m just letting the bro’s know. On another note, check out my friend’s design skills on this record you probably have never heard of.

The transplants single sucks. I had high hopes for the album. Fuckit. It’s all about the chem. Saw that fallout boy video. That song is sweet, is the album good? And I’m psyched the singer looks like charlie brown.

Thanks for holding it down at my bday. yeah I got emo at _____. The candy set me off for some reason I don’t know why. Sorry you had to see that. It happens. I feel bad though. Next time I will rage.

Dude you’re glad you weren’t around sat. _____ got epic again and _____ flipped out.

no plans. my fantasy football draft pt deux got postponed. damn! i heard mariah was good/ jay? diddy? fuck the shins. hm i dunno what my plans are yet. work? shredding? it’s _____’s bday today. e-mail me later. i’m a little hungover. i walked to _____ with droopy flowers and then _____ showed me his phone where i was listed as ‘mr feelings.’ haha. last night was pretty shredding. i’m bummed i had to ‘dj’ for so long. i have to go beat _____ at ping pong tonight. it’s _____’s birthday. last night i walk into _____. _____ moshing. terrorizing the djs. diving into crowds of dudes. slapping drinking out of hands. ‘KUO SOMEONE HAS TO ARREST ME I TRIED TO PUNCH 5 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.’ no shirt on. i got 2 smog records and they are literally melting my brain. making me all want to stay home and listen to smog and watch the nba with the sound off. so i bailed on socializing with weirdo’s. mac wants to buy one of my paintings. no big deal. typical shit in my life. every situation is the same for me. we talked all night til closing, while getting interrupted by _____ and _____ trying to hit on _____. seriously the minute i stepped away they were like, ‘what’s you number let’s get up.’ _____ is a complete weirdo. his move last night was to touch _____ and go, ‘see, i’m not afraid of getting burned’ and left his finger there for minutes! she was like, ‘okaaaay you’re totally scaring me.’ he didn’t budge. so we got pizza and i walked her to a cab and i asked if i could kiss her. i am having living problems. i’ll spare you the details. i still enjoy jokes, but i feel like i’m going to pass out on street corners. nothing’s jamming as far as i know. food? drinks? I have no kuopenings or shows to lurk at [that i remember]. back to the same ol’. i’m dying over here. she leaves in 2 days. i’m gonna flip out. don’t flip out. _____ SHREDDED. packed. i yelled at _____ about money. he was bro. _____ played some spoken word. i played UGK twice and some jon bonham drum demo’s into black dice [the hardcore era]. that girl is shoveling dirt on my grave. today i said to her, ‘have a good day stranger.’ and she said ‘why ‘stranger?’’ it’s weird how you can like someone so much without really knowing her. poor _____... that record is just whatever. _____ claimed he was ‘SO AMPED’ on it, and then he played it and was like, ‘this sucks.’ obviously he hadn’t heard it yet. stop snitchin. i’m on secret vacation. which means i do what i usually do but refuse to feel guilty about it [dranking, waking up late, etc]. i was up til 5am last night asking my computer: ‘why aren’t these shapes saying anything to me? quick. say something clever!’ i woke up in the middle of the night with a genius idea and then i looked at it this morning and i saw that i drew a square. dude the gallery wants to know when i can give them the artists statement. do you still have time to do it? it can be jokes or fake serious or whatever. you can come in and look at the stuff or you can just guess. i had a dream last night i was hanging out with feist and i had to sing one of her songs at a wedding, but instead i crawled into a crack in the wall and no one could see me. i actually don’t believe in second chances in life. i think you are presented with choices, and they are never the same. the variables shift and the whole thing is different. so you get chances. just not second ones. but i do believe in redemption, which is different. it’s like when a runner gets picked off at first base and the

batter ends up hitting a home run. the announcers always say ‘that pick-off now looms large. that could have been a two run shot’ not true. because the variables changed and the pitcher wasn’t throwing from the stretch and he probably left a fattie over the plate to challenge the batter a little. if that all makes sense. dunno how close you are to _____ these days, but her dad passed away. it’s weird but i thought you should know. maybe send her an e-mail or something. weird how when jeezy says ‘i can show you how to make a mil right now’ i think he’s saying ‘i can show you how to make a meal right now.’ we kept track of drink consumption. me and _____ 58. _____ and _____ 43. _____ claims he got up in the middle of the night and started peeing in the closet. _____ goes ‘dude. you’re peeing in the closet’ and apparently he said ‘that’s what she said.’ and climbed back into bed. i swear I had the weirdest night last night. thanks for the $100 i got you back. damn when that cash hit my hand shit went off. no IM chat but we did hang out all day. dude. weird timez. you should have denied me the cash so i could have gone fucking home. _____ is kind of irritating to me. but it just occurred to me last night. i dunno. that room was tricky. would you be willing to do my press release for my show coming up? take a piss. write a book. draw a picture. take a photo. i’m game for anything. i think i’m on semi-lockdown today/tonight. i figured out it takes a night of shuffling things around/ watching BBC/painting stuff white before the next day when everything ‘comes together.’ today has to be that day for lack of anything better to think about SUPER BOWL WHAT’S THE PLAN i can make asian ribs? i think i told you i’m publishing a book through _____. it’s gonna be a 200 pager (hopefully) [...] it was just gonna be a mashup of my personal charts, the _____ charts, the emo _____ e-mails and the recipe _____ emails. i was wondering if you would write the intro to it?

Scenario: sat: tape the fight and party with _____ crew. (to which of course you are invited to) sunday: eat delicious delicious peking duck and then watch fight on TiVO. _____ passes out and you convince me to go to _____. ‘FINE.’ Ramifications/fears: somehow a miracle happens and _____ texts me back and i go off to hang out aka get drunk and make out with her and we delay the fight for no reason and one of us is a douche. oh dude she is kind of my fantasy. that’s why i put up with all this bullshit. i would leave a superchunk show to buy her a drink.

(left) The artist (waving, near the back) with friends; date unknown, probably 2004 (right) Ludlow Street, 4:30 a.m.

no funny business but it was close. we’re at the point that we can act like total retards/creeps around each other and it’s fine. i texted _____ late telling her thanks for not making a cake but that sounded rude so i tried to word it better but i was a fucking mess by that point. oh and another _____ text session. i don’t want to look at my phone.

The artist and _____, 2008

—

The Artist: An Athletic Perspective

Earl Boykins is a point guard. He has played for the Cleveland Central Catholic Ironmen, the Eastern Michigan Eagles, the Rockford (Illinois) Lightning, the New Jersey Nets, the Cleveland Cavaliers, the Orlando Magic, the Los Angeles Clippers, the Golden State Warriors, the Denver Nuggets, the Milwauke Bucks, the Charlotte Bobcats, Virtus Bologna (Italy), the Washington Wizards, and the Milwaukee Bucks (again). He holds the record for most points scored in overtime in an N.B.A. game: fifteen.

They say he used to dribble a tennis ball because his hands were too small for a basketball. They say he can be a ball hog. They say he once hid in his locker after losing a playoff game in college. They say a coach once listed him at five-eleven so he (the coach) wouldn’t look stupid for starting a player who is only five-five.

They say he can bench press three hundred and fifteen pounds. They say he hated it when the arena played “It’s a Small World” to mark his arrival on the court. They say the Clippers never should have traded him. They say his “best days as a bench sparkplug are behind him.” They say he is excited to be back in Milwaukee.

(left) Earl Boykins driving through the lane in Madison Square Garden, December 12, 2004 (the Knicks beat the Nuggets, 107–96) (right) Earl Boykins in Italy, 2008

—

Advice to the Artist From His Friends, Who Shall Remain Anonymous

I don’t know if shotgunning beers is the best thing to do in a group situation. Although I like the way it inspires people’s juvenile’s fantasies, in their late thirties. I feel like it helps people get back on the boat they think they missed. But I don’t know if it’s necessarily good for him in the long haul. That’s the thing that’s problematic in general—I think there’s a lot of things that Andrew does that make people happy, but then I wonder if it’s the best thing for Andrew. I don’t know if that’s advice, though.

Art advice? Work advice? I would never do that.

You think about the people he’s obsessed with, and they’re super crazy, or otherwise unavailable. It might be even worse if one of those girls did fall for him. Because then he’d be dating a fucking lunatic. Which might be the best year of his life. It might be the year he finally gets famous.

I think he lives the life of some songs that he listened to when he was fifteen years old that never wore off.

That’s the funniest question anyone has ever asked me: What is my advice for Andrew Kuo? God, I have so much. But I also feel like I’m such a bad person for that question. It’s like the blind leading the blind. I don’t make anything. He makes shit. Who am I to judge?

I think he’s pretty aware of how he lets people in. I think there’s something comforting to him about that. He’s the rad dude who always says hello, gets you a drink, can talk about music, sports, food, and any other topic. I mean, everyone is like, “Kuo! I know him! I love that guy!” And it’s safe for him. He doesn’t have to talk about work, where he sees his art going, and the things that keep him up at night.

I think I learned not to give advice. Because I don’t want to ever fight with him. Because always, the advice that I give leads to some sort of argument.

There’s probably something nice about having this little part of yourself that’s always disappointed in the way life works.

The thing is, for all his sulking, he never really seems unhappy.

He has a great life. The dude is living, like, three awesome lives.

I think a regular part of his day, or his life, is this intense loneliness.

He’s like an open book. But he’s kind of stubborn, at the same time. Which isn’t the same as being closed. He’s a good listener. I don’t think he really likes advice.

He’s so willing to have a hundred relationships with his quote-unquote close friends that he doesn’t see sober. And he’s willing to have other relationships with bros, where you really do love him, and have an understanding of him. But he seems pretty unwilling to have any relationship where you get to know a girl the way you might if you had a girlfriend for a couple of years. That probably means a lot more than a dude doesn’t want a girlfriend. I just don’t know what it means.

This is the whole dilemma with Andrew Kuo: there’s no way to tell what he wants.

That’s ultimately an anxiety thing: “I’m gonna say all of this, because I’m pent up about it,” or, “I’m not gonna say any of it, because I’m pent up about it.” It all cancels out. But he presents himself as very

vulnerable. A beautiful girl will be like, “Oh, Andrew, I feel so comfortable with you.” It’s like, “This person is crying out!” Well, maybe not. Maybe that’s how they communicate. Maybe that’s just their way of making friends.

—

Advice to the Artist From Strangers, Who Shall Remain Anonymous (As Inscribed in the Gallery Sign-In Book at Taxter & Spengemann)

You will be “happy-wise” always!

Try not drinking for ninety days. You will feel better. But maybe you like it? I like your work a lot.

Hilarious and beautiful. Truly encapsulates the comedy/tragedy that has always been “life,” especially modern life. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and talents. P.S. Maybe you should listen to _____ and lay off the booze. But who am I to criticize?

—

In Memory of the Artist’s Father, Who Also Knew Exactly How It Feels, Right?

“Yes. But he didn’t look short, like I do. I think so—I don’t know.”

The artist and his father, 1999

Subject: “Your Blues” Date: May 4, 2008 7:35:13 PM EDT Wednesday on 1st Ave., under scaffolding near 13th. Late Friday night, crossing Delancey, a bottle of water tucked under my arm and the prospect of sleep. Then again, on Chrystie, yesterday at 4 pm. I was passing through the park, counting steps and touching fences. >>> It was roughly about that time in my life that I met 8 and I am so psyched to have

and

. Fast forward to 2000 fucking

playing records with us at HUGS! It’s her first time doing

so so you know it’ll be great! I have new songs and I will play them for you! I’ll play you a few songs off the new RZA album. It doesn’t suck! There might be a sombrero or two lurking.

Springtime at HUGS at 11 ‘til late if you feel like it, but I’m out right at 4 am. You’re weird.

Subject: “I Get No Regard” Date: May 12, 2008 3:07:57 PM EDT I like to walk on Ludlow, where we used to hang out. >>> Sometimes repetition makes something what it is, and we’re still going as strong as we can go at HUGS! Tonight is one of my favorite guest DJ’s...

from

! I may have

listened to one of his band’s songs every day or night for the last 6 years. It’s quite possible. As usual me and

will try to play the best jams we can. When things get blurry at the end of

the night we will not apologize for the Cap’n Jazz / Joan of Arc rock block. They’re always dying to tell you they’re dying.

HUGS at

11- whenever am

Subject: Return of the Weird Blue Date: July 28, 2008 5:06:33 PM EDT I forgot until just now to send out a HUGS e-mail! We don’t even have a guest DJ yet cause won’t return my calls! But I bet you it’ll be

. Sometimes the best times are the ones that just

kinda happen. I declare tonight is one of them! We just got off tour. It’s nice to sleep in my own bed. I feel like a stranger in my own home. Only one of those things was true.

HUGS for you at 11 ‘til me and

tell you about the story of us pulling into the Comfort Inn in Philly

Subject: I Can’t Believe I Ate the Whole Thing.

Date: August 11, 2008 6:11:15 PM EDT One time I dragged myself onto the grass and woke up in the dark. The blades imprinted a wave of lines on my right arm. One time I got lost, walked off the path and into the woods. It was the first time I had been in woods in four years. Then I walked outside with my paper plate of food... the glow of car lights lit my path. Far away I could see people moving. They gathered around plumes of smoke in groups of bright red, white and green. The plastic fork clicked as it touched my teeth and I missed you more than ever. >>> Did you guys check out the 88 drummers thing? That was crazy! To celebrate we have from

helping us DJ tonight! He’s never DJed HUGS but he’s a pro so I bet you two

Bright Eyes records it’ll be really fun. You know me and

will be playing songs that only we

think are either hilarious or amazing, but it’s fun being around people having fun. We try! It’s also HUGS at

birthday and he’ll be rolling in! Dirty 30! every Monday 11-4

Subject: Worry Story Date: August 24, 2008 6:03:23 PM EDT I read it nine times. The one about the man who borrows suits and sits in his apartment doing nothing really well. Sometimes he talks to his cats and they talk back. He cooks spaghetti slowly, intensely, without all the noise. He sits at his table just to sit. Towards the end he speaks to his friend in slow, short words. And then the story is over.

It was 1999, and I knew that everything afterwards would be like this. Some things happen, but most things are the same. >>> It’s the last weekend of August, so let’s live it like we mean it! On Monday (tomorrow) we have one of our faves coming back to help us DJ...

! Hits! When I’m not DJing I will want

to talk about 1) The new Jesu EP. 2) “No Reservations.” 3) How cool it would be to have Joe Budden as V.P. HUGS at another late night.

11 - ‘til I explain to

that the only thing that Jah actually provides is

Subject: Me Here You There.

Date: September 22, 2008 6:05:03 PM EDT Eleven years from now we will be next to that window facing West with the paint jars and our things. We will still write. Six years from now we will have our ears next to that song. Three years from now, crossing Houston onto 1st Avenue in September, we will wonder if we will be any happier than we were at that moment. Seven months from now we will wonder why some things come back, like paper money drifting on sidewalks. Three months from now we will miss our friends more than ever. Eight days from now we will listen to our friends speaking clearly and sternly, but still wander off into the streetlights and glowing bodegas- the ones with the cat at the door. He looks up and you always ask him, and he always tells you. >>> In a few hours we’re going back to

to celebrate again for no reason!

is the

only Gambian DJ who writes for the “New York Observer” that I know. I wish he knew more about politics and southern raps. Joining him will be

, the only photographer I know

who has taken a photo of Spaceman and Dan Bejar standing against the same white wall in his studio. The jams will be good. Let’s just decide to have a good time!

HUGS at

every Monday 11 ‘til Sam Cooke

Subject: “Jinx Removed” Date: September 29, 2008 3:21:37 PM EDT The best meal I’ve ever had in my life was in London, in a hotel room with nothing to do.

We sat at the edge of the bed had ate cucumber sandwiches and chips. The loudest I’ve ever laughed in my life was in a van in Philadelphia. The best beer was in a rented room in Miami, from a tin can. The best car ride was in LA in 2006, on the way to a pool. The window was open and the air smelled perfect. I sat in the back seat. Everything outside was just outside. >>> We got HUGS tonight again! We had

booked to do her thing, but she’s feeling under

the weather. So if she can’t do it we’ll have something else shredding planned for you. You know how it goes! I was going through my shit and realized there were so many songs I forgot about, so I’m bringing them back this week! Old is the new old!

SHRUGS 11-4

Subject: “Alvin!!!”

Date: October 6, 2008 6:14:38 PM EDT I took you to that place. The one behind the store with the tanks filled with glowing red and silver fish. We sat three-quarters of the way down the bar, and they served us bowls of food. “I always get this,” I said. The plume of steam warmed our faces and we ate. You would add a dash of something and I wait until you took your first bite.

We went to that place. The one hidden in the back of that room with the fish. One tank had waves of red ones- they moved from left to right together. We sat three-quarters of the way down the bar, our seats held together with silver tape. “I always get this,” I said. We talked about October and those days in November and December. We talked and waited for our perfect bowls of food.

I went back to the place. The one tucked next to the dark room with the tanks of fish with the golden one in the corner. This time the room was smaller, and there was nothing in it. That place, the one with the long bar and the tape covered stools was now a plywood wall. I imagined what must be happening behind it. >>> Did you go to Paris this week? We didn’t, but

did! He’s back and will tell us stories about

baguettes and striped sweaters... and play records with us! One of the three of us is an international song player, I guess? I kinda took it easy this weekend so I’ll be ready to rage. Grumpiness begone! Carpe Monday!

HUGS at

every Monday 11-4

Subject: The Second Half of “On Anon.”

Date: October 13, 2008 6:37:47 PM EDT In January of 1998, you were walking down that hill- the one they named the street after. You held a bag that was twelve inches across and twelve inches down, perfectly wrapped in brown paper. A three inch piece of shiny clear tape held it shut. You thought about your room that you loved so much and what everyone was doing, far away. You thought about taking off your wet shoes and your socks touching warm hardwood. You thought of all of this as you fell, your face finally touching that hill for the first time in your life. You and this thing. You opened your eyes and looked at the bag that was too far to reach from where you were. >>> Tonight we got

helping us DJ! He is easily the tallest person who comes every week

who writes for a fancy men’s fashion magazine. In fact, I’m pretty sure he was the first person to ever come to HUGS! That was when

was smashing records and I thought everyone

knew the words to “Skip Steps 1 & 3” already. Come over. I promise not to play too much weirdo dance music. You tell me! We’re the monkeys with grinders!

HUGS at

every monday 11-4.

Subject: Who Farted?

Date: October 20, 2008 7:28:08 PM EDT The cans in the cupboard are red and yellow, like the ones you used to buy from that place on Canal with the birds hanging in the window. The celery is that pale sap green, the one you mix by accident every time. The dried noodles in the back of the shelf are the same color as your skin before summer comes.

So you would turn up the volume on your television and play that song on your computer as loud as you can. You would hear the radio in the next room. You would set the water to boil and start chopping and hope they’d somehow come walking through the door. By the time the pan was hot enough they’d ask you what they were smelling. You would strain the noodles and tell them about the book with the middle part you thought they’d like. By the time the bowls were empty and the glasses half full of water, you would have thanked them for coming. And by the time the dishes were racked, and all the counters were wiped, they’d be gone. >>> I’m loving two songs from the new Annuals record. “Black Albino Bones” by Fucked Up might be the fall anthem. That or Alexis Taylor’s song that’s weird. All these jams are kind of too much of a bummer to play at HUGS, though. Don’t worry! We have songs that are good and also not bummers! The right vibes only! Strait from her residency at

, we got

with us tonight! She promised to play good songs. I believe her?

HUGS at

11 ‘til

is doing that “throat slashing” thing when tequila happens.

Subject: The Descendants Date: November 10, 2008 5:21:44 PM EST You have questions for them, but they never pick up the phone. Is the curtain the same? The one they pulled back at 7:14 every night, just in case you came back? Their hand left an offwhite mark on the white fabric. When did it stop?

So now you answer every call. You save messages. You touch all the spoons in the drawer twice.

You stack books, unstack them, look at each page, and stack them again. Sometimes you think you see from them across the street, half a block up. You both walk in unison. You say their name one last time and you start running. >>> is in a band called

. He’s playing songs tonight! I’ll tell him it’s okay to not

play 2 hours of reggae but he’ll do what he wants. I have a couple of new jams for you. New old jams. Come by and ask me about Babbo, cause I will have just been there. You can also ask me why all my favorite songs this fall are in commercials on TV. I will say: “I like what I like.”

HUGS at

11-4

Subject: OH REARRY Date: November 17, 2008 5:38:21 PM EST It was ridiculous to think that this album would be the one. The songs that perfectly accompanied everything. You sat in that room listening, then walked outside and listened again. It was the same sounds that kept on growing. Track five and track nine. >>> I’m a mess but so am I! It’s been a doozie of a last couple of weeks. Why stop now? In a few hours it’s an honor and pleasure to have

DJing with us! She makes a mean pie. One

time I saw her “scratching” two key-limes, so we’re in for a treat! It’s also

birthday. A

person who once admitted to me that Blink-182 was the best band because they “just make the best music.”

HUGS every Monday 11-4 at

Subject: FOR SERIOUS Date: November 24, 2008 4:09:48 PM EST If you stare at them long enough from across the sloped wooden table they’ll turn into that person. If you stare at all of them long enough, they will become them too. But instead, they’re sitting in vans or planes. Away from you. These days some of them sleep until 5:23 in the evening with their doors open. They walk across Avenue A with their right hands in their pockets clutching things tightly, and they go to the places nobody knows. They take three steps closer to the traffic on 15th. On Thursday night they closed their eyes when they walked down the stairs.

Four nights ago they walked onto that random Subway car and lied down. A week ago they slept so long their arms and legs ached. They got up, and opened the window to let the air in. >>> We have the

crew helping us DJ tonight! The messiest Thanksgiving jam session

ever. Probably. Seriously, it’s a treat to have these bros with us all night. It makes me happy it’s 2008. I’ve been jamming the new Black Dice, which I’ll play for you. Maybe even twice! If you come early I’ll play you that Chairlift song and be psyched. You might even hear “Robocop” by Kanye. Tonight I’ll be doing the “put on a song and run out to the floor to dance to it alone” move because it just has to be done. Stranger things have happened.

HUGS. 11- ‘til it dawns on me that everyone is on copious amounts of drugs

Subject: “He Was Too Far Out, Man!” Date: December 1, 2008 6:09:27 PM EST You can have that picture wrapped in newsprint. It wasn’t meant to be for you then, but it is now. You can have all the records and books. Listen to the one with the marching man on the cover. You can have that shirt, the one you’ve always wanted. The collar is loose and the white has yellowed. It’s yours. I hardly wear it these days anyway.

I saw you standing on a bridge over the FDR from far away. I saw you drop that envelope into that mailbox on Houston. You dropped it, closed the door and opened it again to check if it was gone. I saw you walk into the bar, look down and then walk out. I saw you looking at a case of cold beer on Prince. In one hand you had a box of dried spaghetti and in the other, a tin can of sauce. You looked through the brown and gold and green bottles, past the refrigerator, past the next building, past the street over and past your home. >>> Last year at this time I think I had the most fun I’ve ever had DJing in Miami with weird how things work out cause

. It’s

is back from his epic tour tour and is DJing with us

again tonight! A lot has changed but a shit-ton still hasn’t. Like the early jams being the ones that count. Come by and I’ll buy you a Jameson and we’ll talk about the one that goes “Let me up so you can go on and let me down” and the one that goes “I gave her a Sanchez. Yup, a dirty one.” Someone call me... let’s get meals beforehand. The Monday Night game sucks anyway.

HUGS at

11 ‘til “How come the lifeguard couldn’t save the hippie?”

Subject: “Dexter”? I Hardly Know Her! Date: December 8, 2008 6:22:33 PM EST The time I made us that meal and I didn’t try. You still told me you liked it. The time I was sitting on my couch and you called for me but I didn’t look. The time you stumbled down the stairs and I grabbed you. For the first time I realized how light you were. >>> We’re back from Miami! Thanks

and

! It was a doozie! We jammed. We smiled fac-

ing paintings. We watched our hands turn into raisons. I almost picked up a seagull. So we’re back, Atlanta stop-over and all. I need a nap because we’re cannon-balling into HUGS again tonight!

has our back again which means good times for sure. Pick the “Rugrats” theme

song from my set and I’ll buy you a beer or seven. Time to start our lives? We started years ago!

HUGS

Subject: Shaqtus!

Date: December 15, 2008 8:59:20 PM EST You start sending texts to yourself late at night, for the next day. There’s the one that lists the songs, in order. There’s the one with the impossibly good news, and there’s the one with just those four words. Now you just write anything because it’s a way.

It’s 4:27 am and you’re writing again and you cross 2nd and you don’t even see the car. You’re on the ground, the car stopped next to you as the driver gets out. You finally notice the tops of the buildings you pass everyday and all you want to do is sit on the floor and listen to that song seven times. You’re thinking of what you could write yourself and it’s December. >>> . That’s who our guest song-player is tonight! Impossibly good vibes! For the early part of your evening I will be playing numerous selections from the new Panda Bear bootleg, so get there if we wanna feel good and drink before it gets crowded. IF it gets crowded. Who knows? It’s the ‘90s! I have a new plan of attack for Mondays: No more Cathying out! It’s the Holidaze. Let’s kill it. P.M.A.!!!

HUGS at

11-4.

Subject: Destroyer “Rubies” Date: December 22, 2008 7:17:46 PM EST And then the street light on Eldridge turned into the one from where you grew up- on the corner, under the trees, next to the yellow house and the same frozen yards of grass. The stacks of mail on your kitchen table turned into plates of steaming food, all your favorite kinds. The portraits hanging on your wall become the actual people.

You lay yourself down on the floor of your apartment next to spray bottles and half eaten pieces of candy- the ones you bought in London. Your favorite coat is tightly wrapped around your arms and stomach and you get there. The place where you are stumbling towards the screen door and you see them walking on the grass, arms behind their backs. It’s getting dark and it’s 7:36 pm in August and this would be the first thing you ever remember. You reach up to open the door and you run out to them. >>> It’s a Dipset Christmas! Well, I got their Christmas record at least.

is back with us! It’s the

HUGS holiday party! FOR ONCE we will jam without abandon! We will play weird songs at weird times! Seriously, how long has it been since you’ve seen

? He’s been on tour since

the 1996. It’ll probably be empty, which usually means the most fun times at this damn party.

HUGS X-MAS tonight in a few hours 11-4

Subject: The French Goodbye Date: December 29, 2008 6:53:16 PM EST A few years later you walked along Bleecker all the way down to Canal looking for them. You found them in an apartment staring off into nothing. They smiled and said something to you.

“Of all the luck.”

Now you stand looking at the impossible amounts of food displayed before you. The bright green, the shiny red, the off whites. You remember 15 years ago, when they gave you your first beer, in this exact spot where you stand now, where the parking lot used to be.

And then you finally see them again, in this new, old place. They have a black coat on, and a basket full of food. They are holding hands with the girl, the same girl they have always been with. You touch them on the shoulder, they don’t give you a stranger’s glance, and they don’t tell you they’re not them and you can’t believe it. >>> The last HUGS of 2008! And we’re going out like we came in! Tonight we have night birthday! Will we see

? Will

make an appearance? Will

midbe there?

I hope so! But you know who you will definitely see? A smiling asian man! I cannot promise you anything except free drinks, a conversation about “M.P.P.” and the Bonnie Prince Billy story in “The New Yorker,” and maybe some gummy bears.

HUGS at

11-4

Subject: Happy New Beer!

Date: January 5, 2009 8:04:41 PM EST By then, five of us will have gone. They will listen to “A Soldier’s Grin” at the same time you do and see the same people on Grand rushing home to dinner under wet canopies made of yellow and green plastic. By then, three of us will be gone. You’ll listen to “Street Flash” and feel lucky, bundled under your winter coat. By then, eight of us will have stopped. You will listen to the song that only one other person likes and and sit at your desk. The clutter is the same as it was yesterday. By then, four of us will still be here at 4:23 am. with the gates down. We will sit and eat things with our hands and you will think of that song about the end of your day, and how much longer you can make it. >>> Another year another HUGS e-mail! Our possible guest DJ, who shall remain nameless, might or might not be DJing with us tonight (

pick up your phone, dude!) So we’ll see! Also:

OPEN BAR! (Basically.)

HUGS at

in a few hours 11 pm ‘til we give up.

Subject: Eli Manning’s Mirror Date: January 12, 2009 6:31:45 PM EST To get a call. To gather their things. To wait endlessly on a plane, over the water, just to land to the worst news. So you try to find hours in every day to feel lucky. You call it them “secret” hours. One time it was sipping soup in a foggy restaurant on St. Marks. People came in, and the waitress politely told them the kitchen is closed, and you were the last one again. You slip on icy sidewalks on Stanton and it’s funny. You stay up late at night and sit and wait for things to happen. Sometimes they do. You cook food, wrap it, and hide it for later. You see friends and walk home listening to the good songs. >>> Honestly I’ve had the most fun I could possibly have had at HUGS the last two weeks.

We’re trying our hardest! Tonight we have our and

have laptops and will press play.

friends back for more jams. is too scared but maybe we can convince

her to play a couple. I’m gonna try to mix “Brothersport” into the Field. You might think that’s weird but I’m really looking forward to it!

HUGS at

11-4

Subject: Black and White Cookies Date: January 19, 2009 8:30:45 PM EST They talk about footprints in the snow on Eldridge. They tell you they counted them starting on Houston all the way down to Delancey. They call you to tell you that the place they once ate at is closed. “At least,” you say out loud to yourself later that afternoon. On the street they tell you that this is finally it and that they’re going away. They tell you the bags are packed. The flight is booked, and it’s now. You never interrupt them because there always has to be one.

Tomorrow they’ll wake up and walk out of their bedroom. They will boil water and and have a longer shower than yesterday. They will not have packed anything. They will not have booked any flights, and they will sit. They will hold a cup of water and wait. >>> I have no more puns on the word “Monday”! Did I ever have any anyway? Well it’s Monday and that means HUGS again. In respect to the bar and it’s unique “smell,” I will play M.O.P. into New Odor. Tonight we have our sisters from different misters helping us...

and

!

When we do this it’s usually super fun... like a Paul Simon themed Bar Mitzvah, but different.

HUGS at

11 ‘til... ?

Subject: Lil Wayne’s Life Date: February 9, 2009 7:00:43 PM EST Your leg hurts from running so you stop running. You are hungry so you eat. You are warm so you take off your coat. You are tired so you lie down. You close your eyes and think of things you have to do, and when you wake it’s already dark. >>> Been jamming the new Mono record all day! Good, right? Not the electronic Mono, but the Japanese instrumental one. It might be too slow to play tonight at HUGS but maybe I’ll sneak it in early. Tonight we have to see him.

HUGS at

11-4

helping us in the booth! I think

is back too... it’d be nice

Subject: Portastatic B-Side Compilation Liner Notes Date: February 16, 2009 4:48:52 PM EST After a while it’s really nice to go back and feel the same way you did. I think I must’ve listened to “Race You Home” 276 times in my life, spread across a long decade or so. I learned how to play “Josephine” on my brother’s red Fender Stratocaster. I taped the sleeve of “San Andreas Crouch” up above my desk next to a window that faced a row of trees. I bought two copies of the “Scrapbook” single, assuming that eventually I’d have somebody to give one to. I felt lucky to have found music that I liked.

“I thought it was thunder.”

Everything is messy! I have problems. You have problems. Some people go for walks. Some people cook elaborate meals. Other people gather music. For me it started during the time when I would walk home late at night, then that song would come on, and I would start running. The sound of air passing through my lungs was drowned out by the melody. Everything sounded amazing.

“There’s always someone saying they’ll wait for you.”

Ancient history! Should we burn the stacks of books and letters and pictures? Or should we pick them all up from the corners of our apartments and put them in their rightful places? Collections. The book on top is about the guy who thinks about every tiny detail of cooking spaghetti.

He ends up talking to a cat (the cat talks back). That postcard under the mug that you sent from way out there reminds me to call you. We all looked skinnier back then. Let’s keep everything.

“Never mind, not that you would.”

I thought every song in the world was either about me or for me. Of course that includes almost every Portastatic song. Did they cure my teen malaise or cause it? For a time I would regularly find these singles on my solitary trips into the city and I was pretty sure Mac was trying to tell me something. There was one, and another, and then another. Like a trail. Mac, what’s that woodcut about? What was the room like where you recorded this song? What was hanging on the wall? Was it late at night? What does the air smell like at 4 am in North Carolina?

“I’m shaking too, but probably not as much as you.”

Isn’t it weird how you can follow objects back to the beginning? I’ve had the same desk lamp since I was 16. The milk-crate I put all my clean clothes in has seen dust from seven apartments.

I have a mug that I drank water from when I was five. I still have those two copies of “Scrapbook.”

I’m sure these songs are grateful for the second chance at life... people don’t even get those. >>> We’re playing records again tonight. The

from LA are helping us! Have you ever had

a bad time around these guys? And even though I’ve been giving them shit for weeks about it, it’s

and

21st birthday at midnight! Yeah they have the same fucking birthday.

It means a lot to them so it mean a lot to us. There’s gonna be a pony there. Maybe play some jams too I gotta figure it out.

HUGS at

11-4

will

Subject: “Winter’s Love” BBC Sessions Date: February 23, 2009 6:57:38 PM EST Or maybe they didn’t do anything. There was no pulling back of curtains or staring out of windows. They would just call you and ask you to come. And when you did, they made sure their shirts were tucked in and their hair was combed. They had your favorite foods already cooked.

The television was tuned to your favorite channels. They closed the doors in the hallway. All the lights would be on.

This thing you use every day. It fits perfectly in your hand. The light flashes green every 12 seconds. It has a red sticker on the back. You tell people things with it, and they tell you. You come home and stare at it until the weird blue outside the window. Now it’s your turn. >>> Last night was a doozie! So tonight might be mellow.

is DJing from 11-12:30 as her “go-

ing away” jam. Who “goes away” for real anymore anyway? I’ll be late... but if you have your ipod maybe we can go song for song for a bit. I will be in a great mood cause I’ll will be coming from Ko! That drink pairing packs a punch after nine courses. Let’s make all the jams good from now on! Deal.

HUGS 11-4

Subject: This Week’s Roz Chast Date: March 2, 2009 8:22:07 PM EST What if you had not turned on 4th Street a month ago. Eight extra minutes were added to your trip. The next morning you wake up exactly eight minutes later than you would have, and you miss the moment when you decide to start again. Eight minutes later that week you miss walking by someone you haven’t seen in forever. You miss hearing about them.

You miss passing by that restaurant, because eight minutes prior you had crossed onto the West side of the street when the light turned white. You miss sitting in that restaurant. And the next day you don’t go to the store and buy the same ingredients from the meal you had the day before. You do not carefully chop the vegetables, rows at a time. You do not stir the pot slowly for hours. You do not call and they do not come over. You do not say goodbye. You do not wash the dishes and you do not go to sleep. >>> It took a while to figure out the guest DJ situation tonight! but tonight

will DJ soon (feel better!),

will bless us with his weird musical selections. Sean Paul into Tracy Chap-

man? Oui. As usual we will play dubious and not dubious music (Blink and Cam, whichever order). I know it’s snowing but we will be there. Having fun. Laughing about something I’m sure.

Come drink for free and make fun of us. It’s just easier that way.

HUGS at

11-4

Subject: Larry Johnson’s Four Point Play Date: March 30, 2009 8:33:01 PM EDT You would hear the chopping and rustling of plastic bags. The turning of the fan pulled at the air behind it. Each night you would look up and smell and see and hear and wait and tug with your small hands, hoping for a glimpse. They would place a stained white plastic chair for you to stand on and you watched them stir. “Carefully,” they would say.

The sounds still sounds the same, but it’s the only thing. Tomorrow you will try again. You will peel better. You will cut better. You will show restraint. You will be confident. You will do everything better. It will be more the same tomorrow than today.

And then one night you’re wandering on 60th with them. It’s late. You look into every storefront, and finally choose one. You sit down and it all comes at once and they are cutting things in front of you. People are gliding through the room- you hear the glasses touching and knives raking over porcelain. You turn around and ask for water, and when you look back they are still sitting there, quietly, looking back at you. >>> And then it’s Monday night again! HUGS! We’re skipping the extra DJ tonight just to make it easier- and by that I mean it gives me more time to play all the songs off the new Bill Callahan!

Jokes! I mean, it just gives me time to play the entire new Superchunk EP. Okay maybe not! The worst DJ ever needs to come up for air sometimes too, you know. It’s spring!

HUGS 11-4! Tonight at

Subject: Marcus Camby’s Psychiatrist Date: April 13, 2009 8:25:10 PM EDT You’ve been dreaming a lot of fire (was it heartburn?) and surging floods (too much beer?). You listen to a song over and over sung by someone named “City Center.” It sounds like they are screaming and shaking bells from two doors down. When you walk, you think about the layers of rubber that rubs off your shoes with each step, onto concrete that you walked on when you were eight. You won $2 from a $2 scratch ticket and lived to tell the tale.

You find the row of books about the kid with the best friend no one else can see. This is the same book you held 18 years ago, in the same place. Your dusty fingertips leaves marks on everything you touch. You glance to your left to see them sitting in the corner, reading quietly. It’s almost over now. >>> just bailed from DJing tonight (maybe next time) and

won’t answer his phone (put

the Hot Pocket down, dude) but I have faith he will be our guest DJ tonight. If not we’ll figure something out... Does it matter? Do you care? It matters! I care! Why don’t you like the minimal techno? What, too much Kanye? Is Paul Simon icky to play now? (Yes.) C’mon, talk to me.

When I ask you, “Show me proof of a giant squid.” I want to see proof of a giant squid! Also, this week I promise everyone will get in and not be yelled at by the door guys. I put my foot down. Totally unacceptable. UPDATE: HUGS every Monday at

11- poor

is down to DJ.

Subject: Foo Date: May 4, 2009 5:40:06 PM EDT

Fool-Proof Ricotta and Spinach Ravioli

Get wonton wrappers. The white ones. You can get a stack of them for a buck, so buy an extra stack for no reason. To make the filling, defrost frozen spinach and squeeze it very dry. Put some ricotta in a strainer with a paper towel lined under it. In the biggest bowl you have, fold the spinach in with the ricotta, parmesan, parsley (dry is fine), and a dollop of creme fraiche. I dunno- eyeball it! It’s gonna taste good no matter what! Don’t forget to salt and pepper it, too.

Lay one wrapper flat and lay one bite-size portion of the mixture on top of it. Wet the edges of the wonton wrapper and lay another on top of it. Seal it firmly making sure there are no air bubbles. You can also fold these things like half moons. Whatever!

In a pan, heat butter and olive oil. It doesn’t have to be super hot. Lay the raviolis in with rosemary and cook them. They don’t need long. You can add more salt and pepper here too.

Put them on your favorite plate and stand in your kitchen and wonder if you should have made a red sauce to go with it. Eat your food. Then wonder if you hadn’t been hit by that truck four years ago what kind of midzone you’d be in now. A better one, probably. Wash all your dishes and sit down on your stool. The one you found in the trash and glued back together. >>> Tonight we have the return of the guest DJ!

has been coming almost every other Monday for the last

two years so we decided to ask her to help us with songs! I have no idea what kind of music she’ll play but for some reason she always likes grime? I really want to play you the new Dirty Projectors. Can someone remix Godspeed You! Black Emperor with a midi snare beat? Thanks!

HUGS at

Subject: Kenyon Martin’s Neck Tattoos Date: May 11, 2009 6:57:23 PM EDT

Japchae

Google the word “japchae.” Look at pictures of it. Then pour some whipped eggs in a thin, even layer over the surface of a pan and cook slowly. Use a lot of oil if you want... it’ll make it easier. Flip it once, “Uncle Buck” style, and cook on the other side. Set it aside.

For this dish you need to get mung bean noodles. They’re dark grey and turn clear when you re-hydrate them in boiling water. You don’t boil them, you pour boiling water over them. You can do this first, I guess.

Cut some green and red peppers into long-ish strips. Same with some shitake shrooms and smoked tofu. Slice the egg we fried before the same way. Slice carefully! And strait! It makes a difference!

In a pan, fry some shallots and garlic for a sec and then toss in the veggies and tofu. Toss in the noodles with some spinach and add more sesame oil if it gets clumpy. Season with soy and add a pinch of sugar. Plate with the sliced eggs on top and sprinkle sesame seeds over it. You can get craze and maybe add a pinch of curry powder. Wait, I did that the other night and it was gross. >>> Tonight is gonna be super fun at HUGS! It’s

birthday!

will be playing records! The

sound system has been okay lately! If there was a pie chart of all the jams we play, the biggest slice would be AC, then maybe Jeezy. The minimal techno slice would be tiny but it’s getting bigger.

HUGS

Subject: The Corner of Chrystie and Houston Date: May 18, 2009 5:36:30 PM EDT

Guilt-Free Bacon-less BLT-inspired Slamwich!

Mix some mayo, cracked pepper and Frank’s Red Hot. (I like Frank’s the best because it’s not too nuclear.)

Slice and scoop out some french bread. Any bread will do. Toast it and lather it with the mayo mix. Scatter some salty jalapeno potato chips, slices of a Fuji apple and salad spinach onto the bread. Slice that thing in half and attack! Feel not bad afterwards, depending on how many chips or how much mayo you used!

Here’s another one. Well, it’s more of a “white flag” than a recipe. Let’s call it the “I’m Too Burnt To Cook Anything Except This Sandwich Right Now” sandwich.

Lay a slice of God’s-gift-to-mankind aka American cheese on one slice of toasted bread and put it in the microwave. Nuke it for 20-25 seconds only so that the cheese is melted. Put another piece of toasted bread on top.

Slice, and eat with Heinz tomato soup. Eat it slowly and either feel bad or awesome about yourself. Wash the dishes and think about the what you’re going to watch tonight. >>> I’m so tapped these days. Luckily, tonight we have

and

from

playing songs with

us! Always fun! Always weird! Topics I want to talk to you about include: Nene, jokes with PG punch-lines, Sin Fang Bous, Problems, Giga-Delay, “The F-Word” and Pantha Du Prince. If you also want to talk about these things, you’re as weird as I thought...

HUGS 11-4

Subject: Some Ways to Cook a Trumpet Mushroom Date: June 15, 2009 7:57:21 PM EDT

Some West Coast iChat buddies just bought a couple today so let’s think about ways to cook them!

Stir Fry! Stir Fly! Get some shallots and baby corns and maybe a little broccoli and garlic. Cut the mushrooms in thick pieces almost matchbox-size. Saute in olive oil alone to get some good color on them and remove. Then saute the shallots first, then add everything else. Toss in some oyster sauce, sesame oil, water, sesame seeds and then the shrooms. Serve on rice or not.

How about a weird lasagna thing? These trumpets are so big you can slice them like eggplants! Oil and season the slices and bake them in the oven until they are stoked. Make a tomato sauce as best you can! (Crushed San Marzano tomatoes, basil, oilive oil, garlic and let it stew for a bit maybe.) Then layer one shroom slice, sauce, and then one slice of fresh mozzarella. Then do it again so you have this layered “tower” thing. Drizzle with olive oil and garnish with fresh basil. Doesn’t that sound good?

How about miso soup with trumpet mushrooms and tofu? Chop the trumpets into small-ish cubes. Boil the water and add the miso paste and a tiny bit of bonito flavoring. Just a tiny bit... it’s strong. Chop the tofu in the exact same sized cubes as the mushrooms. Put the tofu (cold) in a bowl. It breaks apart too easily to put it in the boiling soup pot. Put the shrooms into the pot as well as a dash of dried seaweed. Then add it to the bowl with the tofu. Garnish with chopped green onions. The cool thing is that the tofu looks like the shrooms but they have such different textures. Wacky! >>> Tonight we only have one

, but one

is better than none!

last night! (

was too busy

partying with Kobe last night.) We’re just gonna keep this one casual and play songs and drink beers and have fun. Post-stress! I’m gonna play a shit ton of songs from the new Discovery record. And the new Animal Collective remixes. I like the LD one, but the Dam Funk one is up for debate.

HUGS 11-4 at

Subject: Any Song From “Crooked Rain” Date: June 22, 2009 4:36:37 PM EDT

Broiled Honey Miso Black Cod

Okay, I’ve paid way too much for this stuff in restaurants for years. It just never sucks!

Slice the cod into .5 inch slices. This way the marinating will go faster- and you really want it to get in there!

The marinade is simple... mix soy sauce, sesame oil and honey into good miso paste. Spend the extra $3 on the good stuff- it lasts a long time anyway. The taste should be salty at first, then mellowed out by the sweetness.

Or the other way around. Just make sure the salt isn’t saltier than the sweet, and the sweet isn’t sweeter than the salt. Cover the cod in this mixture. Let it sit for at least for a little bit.

Set your broiler to high and place the slices of fish evenly on a pan in the middle of the rack. The cooking happens quickly so keep checking it through the window. Try not to open the oven. I’m guessing 15 minutes but I take it out when the tops are brown. The sugar darkens quickly. The slices of fish are thin so you don’t really have to worry about undercooking.

If you want to impress your imaginary guests you can serve this across from a seaweed salad. Just re-hydrate some packaged stuff and drizzle with oil and vinegar. Maybe a bowl of rice would be nice. Or a glass seltzer water with a lot of ice and a tiny bit of cranberry. You have “New Yorker” magazines to catch up on. You have stories to watch. >>> is guest DJing tonight! I’m pretty sure it’ll be super fun. When isn’t it, honestly? (Minus all the “What am I doing with my life?”.) I think the Discovery album still has got legs and I got some new stuff too.

I’m gonna celebrate the fact that my foot isn’t broken. I think.

HUGS 11-4 at

Subject: Michael Jordan Baseball Cards Date: June 29, 2009 8:01:40 PM EDT

Ma Po Tofu with Mushrooms

This one is super tasty and easy to make! Dice the silken tofu carefully and place on paper towels, as usual.

Try to get as much water out of it as you can. Dice the green onions and garlic. Cut whatever mushrooms you buy into slices or manageable bites. Mix a spoonful of cornstarch with water.

Saute the mushrooms in the pan in a mix of canola and sesame oil. No salt! Get some nice color on them!

Add garlic and green onions and sliced chili peppers. Two of those ‘lil dudes should do the trick. Three if you feel super weird.

Add some hoisin sauce, soy sauce, oyster sauce, water, and a tiny bit more sesame oil. Add just a little at a time cause it’ll get too salty in a sec. The water will help cut it. Toss in a handful of frozen peas and the water/corn starch mix. It’ll thicken up the sauce. You can add more water if it’s too thick or salty.

Then turn off the heat, add the diced tofu and fold it into the mixture just once! Cover it for a few minutes until it’s hot all the way through. The tofu is so delicate that you don’t wanna touch it til you serve it. Eat it with rice. Garnish with more chopped green onions of you want. Pretend you are eating with someone. >>> HUGS tonight! Wait until all the grime and raps are out of the way so we can go into the deep cuts aka “Name that Cap’n Jazz b-side!” “Olerud”!

HUGS 11-4

Subject: Tweeting Under the Influence Date: July 27, 2009 5:04:58 PM EDT

Spaghetti Puttanesca aka “It’s Time to Eat and I Don’t Feel Like Going to the Market”

Start a boiling pot of water for the pasta and throw that in when it’s rolling. Use Barilla pasta- I swear it’s the best. The box is dark blue and the logo is red and oval.

In a pan, heat shit tons of olive oil. Throw in garlic and then follow it with capers, sliced olives, a tiny bit of good anchovy (chopped or paste) and toss together for a few minutes. Not too long. Throw down some white wine. Finally, pour in crushed tomatoes or a lot of cherry tomatoes (halved). It doesn’t matter.

The key to this is to put in the pasta way before it’s done. As soon as it’s soft enough, transfer all the pasta into the large sauce pan and finish the cooking in that pan. It’ll take up all the flavor. Feel free to add more white wine or olive oil or pasta water. Make sure it’s not clumpy. It should be on the watery-ish side! Crack some black pepper, and add red pepper flakes and parsley. Squirt with a lemon if you got one.

I used to eat this all the time. It wasn’t the best time ever, so all the staying at home and carbing out was what it was. But that’s when my “Law & Odor” game got tight! Anchovies solve mysteries! >>> Tonight we have three shreditors of but

and

magazine DJing with us!

is probably not showing up,

are rolling through for sure. I’m gonna try to fit in at least four Burial songs in at

some point. “I Will follow You Into the Dark” maybe? Jokes! This is the last HUGS for me for two weeks cause we’re going on tour with You’re relieved, I know.

HUGS

. But two weeks is a blink of an eye. No e-mails until mid August!

Subject: The Intro to “Summertime Clothes” Date: August 17, 2009 1:15:45 PM EDT

Spaghetti with Clams

Did I do this one already? Get a 6 or so big clams or 12 or so smaller ones. Make sure they aren’t broken or open! Buy a box of Barilla linguini too. Make sure your roommate didn’t drink all the white wine or kill all the olive oil. Buy a fresh clove of garlic and maybe a bunch of parsley. A lemon would be nice. Maybe some cherry tomatoes for color?

When you’re back at home turn on the TV put the sound all the way down. Play “You & Me” on your computer. It’s nice to cook to. Set the water to boil for the pasta and start scrubbing the clams clean. Slice the garlic into thin slices the long way. Chop the parsley. When the water is boiling, it’s time to start on the sauce (it doesn’t take long). Put the clams in a large man with a tiny bit of water and cover. After a few minutes they should start opening and remove them as they do. Shuck and chop them on a plate so you can save all the juices! There should be a lot! In the same pan, add garlic, white wine, black pepper, a tiny bit of red pepper, around 10 cherry tomatoes (halved) and a ton of olive oil. You can add a pat of butter if you want. Cheater.

And no salt! The clam juice has all that already! After the pasta is half cooked, strain it, add it to the pan and finish cooking it in the delicious white wine sauce. When it’s almost done add the chopped clams and the parsley. The red tomatoes and the green parsley look really nice. Squeeze lemon over it. Turn off the music and turn on the sound of your TV. Remember, pasta makes you taller. >>> I’m back from tour! Actually, I was back last week, but only in theory. Are you as tired as I am? Tonight’s guest DJ is

When I said she should “play whatever she wanted” she started cracking up. So I expect

either ska or jungle? Come through! The beers are cold and free!

HUGS 11-4 at

Subject: No HUGS e-mail next week!

Date: August 24, 2009 5:45:55 PM EDT

Sizzling Steamed Fish on Chinese Greens

Get a nice fish fillet from Whole Foods and set up your steamer. Use a giant pot with some water at the bottom and place an upside down bowl with a plate on top of it in it. The fish should be hanging out on the plate with some sliced ginger, a little white wine. Lightly season it- you’ll be adding soy sauce later. Steam it for 15 or so minutes until it’s cooked through.

In a separate pan, saute some garlic in canola oil. Then add some greens that are firmer than spinach but softer than broccoli rabe. I usually go to the vegetable stands on Grand and get whatever looks good. Lightly season with salt and pepper. You can/should do this while the fish is steaming.

Place a baseball-sized pile of greens on a plate and place the fish right on top with the juices after steaming.

Dash with a little soy sauce and rice vinegar. Think “TV” presentation! In another pan get some canola oil scorching hot. Toss some finely cut green onions, a few slivers of bacon, some finely sliced red peppers, jalepeno, garlic and some ginger! Make it good! Try to get it as hot as you possibly can and then pour it on the fish. It should scorch the top and drizzle into the greens and finally blend with the rest. My mom used to do this with a whole fish. She’d bring out the steamed fish on a plate and pour the oil right in front of us. The table would have a plume of steam over it like a magic trick. A chinese one! Memories! >>> Tonight it’s just us at HUGS. Have you guys downloaded that new Destroyer EP yet? It’s way too mellow for the savages at

but holy moly- it’s hurting my brain a lot. And tonight’s

birthday! Maybe

he’ll come by and tuck into some beers! I’m leaving for Japan on Wednesday and you know how I get about traveling. Will you take care of my computer if I don’t make it back? Fanks.

HUGS 11-4

Subject: KARP’s Bad Luck Date: September 28, 2009 5:01:18 PM EDT

Seafood Dumpling Noodle Soup

Get the white, round wonton wrappers- they’re thicker and boil better. Pick up some chives, egg noodles and a bag of shrimps with the heads on. It’s not gross- it’s food. Also get a bunch of scallops, a handful of clams, ginger, spinach, scallions, vegetable stock, and silken tofu. The rest you should have.

Shell the shrimps and toss the shells (with the heads) in a pot with water, clams, ginger and some garlic. You can add a chopped tomato to give it a nice reddish tint to it. Let that simmer for a while. Chop the scallops and shrimps well but but leave chunks. In a large mixing bowl, put the seafood, silken tofu, an egg, minced ginger, minced garlic, sesame oil, white pepper, salt and chopped chives. Mix it all up and place a spoonful of it on a wonton wrapper and wrap it. You know... wet the edges, fold over tight and make sure there’s no air in there.

Make one and boil it and eat it to test for seasoning. They’re good! Make the rest of them and place them on a wood cutting board and don’t overlap... they stick!

By now your soup is probably awesome. You can cook this for hours. Strain it and set two separate pots of water to boil. In one, boil the dumplings ‘til they float. Boil the noodles in the other, but don’t over-cook them!

Nothing’s worse than dead noodles... remember that they keep cooking in the bowl, too!

In the largest bowl you have (it makes a difference, I swear) put a small fist-sized portion of noodles at the bottom. Top with five or so dumplings and some blanched spinach. Ladle the seafood broth over the whole thing so it covers all of it. Add white pepper, green onions and drizzle some sesame oil on the top. >>> My brain feels different these days. It’s hard to explain. I should make a shirt that says “I’ll Let the Jams Do the Talking for Me!” But do people actually listen to Hot Chip lyrics? How about Dinosaur Jr.?

HUGS 11-4 at

Subject: The Best Metamatics Song Date: October 5, 2009 4:17:29 PM EDT

Trout or Red Snapper Puttanesca

Ask the fish guy what’s fresher and make sure he takes all the scales off. Take your fish home and get all the pin bones out. A good way to do this is is to place the fillet skin-down on an upside down bowl. The pins should be easy to find then, if there are any.

Since the fish cooks so fast, let’s make the veggies and bread first. Let’s make brussel sprouts! Cut those things into quarters and toss in a pan with olive oil, garlic, salt and pepper. Cook it until it’s tender but still crunchy.

Mushy sprouts are the worst. Get a really good loaf of french bread and toast it in the oven. Rub halved cloves of garlic right onto the top of the bread and spread butter that has been melted with rosemary sprigs. Cut into cigarette box sized portions.

Now the fish. Sprinkle the fillets lightly with salt and pepper, and in an oven-safe pan, sear them skin-down in olive oil on medium high. After you get a good crust on the skin place the pan in an oven set to high broil.

Cook until the fish is white on top and firm-ish. Place the fish onto a giant serving plate. In the fish pan, throw in some chopped green olives, chopped kalamata olives, garlic, halved cherry tomatoes, some capers, a little anchovy paste, and a whole lotta white wine. Cook it until it’s hot and/or the garlic is cooked through.

Pour the sauce over the fish!. It’ll be swimming in sauce so you can sop it up with the bread. Finish with a little olive oil, lemons and flat leaf parsley. You just used a lot of garlic! >>> Many jams tonight...

is playing songs with us again! Real DJs are scary. It’s okay- I have a ton

of new songs that I am pretty sure I like, so I’m not stressed. I’m breaking out the elephant drops tonight, too.

Do you like to laugh? Me too!

HUGS 11-4 at

Subject: Yanks Up 3-1 Date: October 19, 2009 6:09:13 PM EDT

Salmon and Roasted Broccoli

Pre-heat your oven to 425 and toss some big-ish broccoli florets in olive oil, salt, black pepper, and slices of garlic. Spread them over a baking sheet evenly and put them in the oven for 20 or so minutes until the tops get all toasty. Take them out and immediately toss them with some parmesan and a little more oil.

Get a nice piece of salmon with the skin on and scales off. Take out any pin bones! Season it on both sides and pan sear the skin-side down in a hot pan until it’s crisp. Put the pan in the oven under the broiler it’s done.

When you press it it should feel firm but I just stick my fork in the middle to make sure. Who cares?

In a separate pan, heat some oil and add some garlic slivers and some fresh herbs... anything you have- basil, rosemary, thyme, fennel, oregano, etc. When the garlic looks cooked splash the pan with a tiny bit of white wine and cream. Season it.

Place the broccoli and fish side-by-side and drizzle the herb/oil/wine/cream sauce over the fish. Depending on how much cream you add, you can drizzle some around the sides. If it’s too rich don’t do it. Squeeze lemon over the whole thing. >>> HUGS has changed. Or maybe it’s gone back to what it was. Meaning it’s less of a sweaty shit-storm and more of a bros sitting kind of thing. And maybe some weirder songs. And maybe a lot less hectic so I can get you your drinks faster. Less is more. Meaning less d-bags and more pan flutes. Tonight we may or may not have

DJing with us. He’s got a ton of stuff to do so if he finishes up early he’s bringing the CDJ over!

HUGS 11-4 at

Subject: Melo Date: October 26, 2009 4:55:17 PM EDT

Stir fried Tofu with Chives and Bean Sprouts

Get the smoked tofu bricks. Sometimes they call it “spiced tofu.” It’s basically cigarette-box sized tofu that is super firm and brown on the outside. Also get a bag of bean sprouts, a bundle of chives, some garlic and ginger. This whole thing should run you no more than $10.

This one is all prep, so put on “Marley & Me” and sit down with all your ingredients. Slice the tofu into thin, long lego shapes. Cut the ends off of each bean sprout. This is important because one end is like a tiny rat tail and the other end is no good either. Grate the garlic and ginger and add some canola oil to it so it won’t dry out before you’re ready to cook. Cut the chives to the same length as everything else. In the end you have three equal piles of three similarly shaped things. Try to enjoy this step as much as you can.

In a hot pan, add canola oil and sesame oil. Toss in the garlic/ginger mixture for a sec and then add the tofu first. When it’s cooked through, add the vegetables. Make sure they are super dry! Toss on high heat for not too long and season with salt and pepper. You can add some red pepper flakes, too.

Eat this with rice or go to a Chinese restaurant and buy Mooshu pancakes. They are pretty much $1 for a stack of them. Steam them to make them warm, smear hoisin sauce over them, put the stir-fry on top, garnish with fresh cut green onions and roll them like small burritos. You can add scrambled eggs to this too. Hoisin and eggs are unusual friends. This sounds weird, but not that weird. >>> Tonight we have

from

playing records with us! Get ready cause he’s gonna play 4+ hours of

slow reggae! I got more pan flute jams and songs from bands that I either cannot stand or love. It’s hard to tell.

HUGS 11-4

Subject: Danilo Gallinari’s Shot Selection Date: November 2, 2009 2:09:09 PM EST

Mushroom & Asparagus Pasta

In a large pan, pour the contents of two big containers of vegetable stock. Add fresh thyme, garlic and two bay leaves. Bring it to a boil and reduce it so that it coats the back of a spoon like a thin-ish sauce. You can cheat and add some butter, too. In the meantime, prep all the crazy looking mushrooms you bought from either a Chinatown vendor or Whole Foods. Whole Foods has some crazy ones!

I know what they say about washing mushrooms but if they’re really dirty I just do it. In a large pan, fry the shrooms in butter and olive oil. Wait until the water evaporates and the try to get some good color on them. At this point you can throw in some chopped fresh garlic and the asparagus tips. They should be cut small (about 1.5 inch pieces) so they cook quickly, but if you want you can blanche them first. When things are looking good add a splash of white wine to get all the good bits off the bottom of the pan.

Finally, take out all the solids from the stock... we don’t need the spices anymore. Add it to the mushrooms and cook to a consistency that you’re stoked on. Don’t let the asparagus turn that rusty green! Take it off the heat before that happens! Season it well!

In a giant bowl, pour the mixture over some egg noodles with a dash of parmesan and parsley. Mix it up so it’s this steaming mixed up casserole-looking thing. Turn on the Yankees game- it should be in the 4th inning by now. Wrangle your cats over to the couch and eat this thing with your favorite spoon. >>> is in town!!! That a phrase you may or may not have heard every month or so for the last eight years, but to me those are words to celebrate by. And he’s DJing with us tonight, of course! I know I say this all the time, but a half

HUGS 11-4 at

is better than no

. The DJ team, that is.

Subject: Bill Simmons’ Book Date: November 9, 2009 4:55:08 PM EST

Mushroom Steak on a Yuba and Mixed Green Salad

Cut a trumpet mushroom into pretty large slices. Think small steak-sized. Marinate in light soy, honey, olive oil, ginger and garlic. Maybe some white wine if you haven’t finished it all yet.

Take a sheet of dried yuba (you can get it in chinatown for $2) and re-hydrate it in warm water. When it’s soft, place it on towels to blot the excess water and cut into fettuccine-sized ribbons. Toss with salad greens and that miso sesame dressing we’ve talked about before. (miso paste + sesame oil + sesame seeds + canola oil) Broil the mushroom in the oven until you have nice color on it. I’m guessing 10 or so minutes. Just look at it.

Place a mushroom steak on a plate and top with a large handful of the mixed green and yuba salad. Drizzle with any leftover marinade if you want. Serve with a knife. The mushroom should have a“meaty” texture and the yuba should be bouncy and feel almost like pasta. >>> We have

and

as our guest DJs!

is exactly like their Tokyo mega-store except small-

er. Maybe darker. Maybe smellier. Definitely smellier. I feel out of it. Come by and have a drink with me.

HUGS! Every Monday 11-4 at

Subject: The Kyle Hall Remix Date: November 16, 2009 4:16:49 PM EST

Lazy Day Tofu with Ginger and Scallion Sauce.

Take the silken tofu out of the container and place it on a lot of paper towels to get some of the moisture out.

Wash a few bundles of scallions well, and chop them super fine. Take some ginger and peel it with the edge of a spoon. This works better than a peeler “loss” wise because you can get into all the nooks without breaking any nubs off. Nubs! After it’s peeled and cleaned, grate it through a grater into the scallions.

There should be an even amount of scallions and ginger. Add sesame and canola oil so that it’s the consistency of a salad dressing. Season it well with good salt. It should be on the saltier side. This gets the best maybe a few hours after you make it, but it doesn’t last forever. The scallions turn after a few days.

Put the tofu in a large bowl and lightly dress with light soy sauce (you want more of the flavor and less of the salt because of the dressing). Put a healthy dollop of the scallion and ginger dressing on top and some shaved bonito if you have it. That’s the stuff that waves when it touches steam. Get your favorite spoon, sit on your couch and find any hour-long drama-mystery on TV. >>> I haven’t booked a DJ yet tonight. I might not. Or maybe I will. All I can say is: Air France- I’m sorry I ever doubted you. The xx- I’m still not sure about you . Doug Martsch- thank you for all the jams.

I don’t know if I can make the Tony Clifton thing tonight. worry.

HUGS at

- it’s not all that bad.

- tell Mr. Jiggsy to call me.

every Monday 11-4

- I’m working on that mega-mix, don’t

-

Subject: A Jobless Allen Iverson Date: November 23, 2009 5:42:02 PM EST

Better Broccoli Rabe

Boil a large pot of water and in a small sauce pan or pot, add a good amount of olive oil and some whole garlic cloves. 7-10 cloves should do the trick. Heat the oil and garlic on medium until the cloves are golden brown.

When the large pot of water is boiling, put a large pan on and set it to a medium high. Put all of the broccoli in the boiling water and blanche it for a about less than a minute. This fully helps get rid of a lot of the bitterness. I’ve tried it both ways and I think it works.

When it’s a bright green, place the greens in the hot pan with a little olive oil. The excess water from boiling will help it cook. Add salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes. Pour all the olive oil with garlic on top and cover the pan. Toss the greens slowly. Don’t let it turn that rusty green, though. Keep it bright!

Serve as a side with any meal that doesn’t involve curry or soy sauce. You can toss it with some orecchiette and parmesan and bacon or sausage or scrimps or scallops or tofu. Or you can also toast a baguette and layer some of the broccoli, shaved parmesan, roasted red peppers, and potato chips on it. Sounds great! >>> I’ve listened to “Safer” 16 times today. You did too? Does that mean it’s almost holiday season? Probably. I am thankful for everything regardless of a few questionable friends, broken mixers, folded laundry, trips to the supermarket, all the other bullshit, and ungifted gifts. There’s no guest DJ as of now. Maybe I’ll text Hey

HUGS at

you wanna play songs?

every Monday 11-4

.

Subject: Let Me Know If You Want Off This List Date: November 23, 2009 5:42:02 PM EST

Weird Tofu with Peas and Curry

Cube some silken tofu into bigger-than-dice-sized pieces and carefully place them onto paper towels. You cut before you blot because it drains better. Just be careful not to break up the tofu too much. In a large pan, caramelize some shallots in olive oil. Add some garlic and when it’s cooked through, add a nice spoonful or two of curry powder. Use the kind from the red and yellow can. It’s so much better.

It should be kinda clumpy at this point, so pour in some vegetable stock or white wine to loosen it up. I know wine sounds crazy with curry but it tastes fine. Add some corn starch dissolved in water to thicken it... make sure it’s on the “gravier” side. Season well, bring up to a relatively high heat and add a lot of frozen peas, chopped green onions, a very small handful of raisins, the tofu, and cover for a few minutes, keeping the heat on. Check the seasoning again because you added a lot of nothing flavors. You probably can afford to add more salt. When it’s hot all the way through it’s done. Garnish with parsley if you have any and serve on rice. >>> It’s the holidaze. Keep your head up! The supermarket isn’t overly stocked just to remind you. The song doesn’t sound extra weird right now just to tell you. It doesn’t get this dark this early just cause of you. It’s not that bad? And to prove that theory we have

DJing with us tonight! She’ll be jamming on the early side

so we might have to recruit backup iPods on the late side aka

HUGS at

11-4

?

MY LIFE UP UNTIL NOVEMBER, 2007

19 7 7

2007

I d o n 始 t r e m e m b e r. M y b r a i n h a d n 始 t g row n ye t .

No concept of anything. Just tr ying to do my thing.

Life is good!

Not the best of times, but also not the worst.

A little bit miserable, to tell you the truth.

I mean, THIS IS A BLAST! The worst.

Still up for debate!

M Y T E N FAVO R I T E P L AC E S O N N OV, 2 0 07

The most.

A good chinese restaurant with friends.

Max Fish with Animal Collective on the juke.

The least.

My kitchen making pasta.

My studio before deadlines.

M y c o u c h wa t c h i n g “ L a w & O r d e r.”

Any bar that isnʼt Max Fish with friends.

My studio just after deadlines.

My bedroom when when itʼs clean.

A t a S u p e rc h u n k s h ow. ( S o l o i s f i n e . )

The park on a saturday looking at dogs.

S O M E T H I N G S I ʼ M S C A R E D O F I N N OV, 2 0 07 A.

A. TERRIFIED! B. This is gonna hurt...

C. Gotta man up and handle it.

D. I honestly stress about other stuff more.

Hasnʼt happened.

B.

Happened.

I know, Iʼm com plaining.

C.

D. 1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

1 0 11 1 2 1 3 1 4 1 5 1 6 1 7 1 8 1 9 2 0 2 1 2 0 2 1 2 2 2 3 2 4 2 5 2 6 2 7 2 8 2 9 3 0 3 1 3 2

1. D y i n g .

9. My mother getting sick.

1 7. C l e a n i n g o u t p o p ʼ s r o o m .

25. Going Deaf.

2. Dying alone.

10 . M y b r o t h e r g e t t i n g s i c k .

18 . B e i n g a b a d a r t i s t .

26. Being audited.

3. No after-life.

11 . U n r e q u i t e d m e g a - c r u s h e s .

19 . E x e s g e t t i n g m a r r i e d .

2 7. M y c a t s g e t t i n g s i c k .

4. My father dying.

12 . N e v e r f a l l i n g i n l o v e .

20. Being broke.

28. Never being in a band.

5. My mother dying.

13 . B o r e d o m .

21. T h e r e ʼ s n o m a n u p s t a i r s .

29. Global warming.

6. My brother dying.

14 . L a z i n e s s .

22. Being bored of my friends.

30. A terrorist attack

7. G o i n g b l i n d .

15 . F r i e n d s b e i n g b o r e d o f m e .

2 3 . G e t t i n g h i t by a c a r.

31. A l i e n s a m o n g u s .

8. My father getting sick

16 . G r o w i n g o l d .

24. Getting mugged.

32. Going bald.

M Y R E L AT I O N S H I P T O A R T O N M AY 10 , 2 0 0 8 ( C R O O K E D - M O U T H FAC E )

AT LEAS T

I WISH MY WORK

Had more fans.

I can carry each piece without help.

Wa s m o r e c l eve r. ( B u t n o t a n n oy i n g l y s o . )

I d o n 始 t m i s s n o t b e i n g a p i t c h e r f o r t h e Ya n k s .

Wo u l d m a k e i t s e l f .

I get to make it.

Wa s s o m e t h i n g m y f a t h e r c o u l d s e e .

I can only blame myself if and when it sucks.

THE MOST

T W E LV E A R T I S T S T H AT I W I S H I WA S ( WO R K - W I S E )

Sophie Calle

Gary Hume

Elizabeth Peyton

Philip Guston

Tom Fr iedman

Larry Johnson

John Baldessari

Chris Burden

Thomas Demand

Josh Smith

C h r i s Wo o l

Ed Ruscha

SMOG FEAT. JOANN A NEWSOME AND JIM WHITE AT THE GRAMERCY ARTS CLUB ON MARC H 30, 2007

A.

B.

C. S TART

END

A . Possibly the best show Iʼve ever seen! It was a greatest-hits show of weepy, memorable, depressing and beautiful music!

B. Other shows that come to mind in this zone are: Superchunk a t I r v i n g P l a z a i n ʻ 0 7, A r c a d e F i r e o n t h e i r f i r s t t o u r , B l o n d e R e d h e a d w i t h a b a s s i s t i n ʻ 94 , a n d F u g a z i ʼ s t h r e e n i g h t s t a n d i n N YC r i g h t a f t e r “ R e d M e d i c i n e ” ! O h , a n d t h e r e w a s K A R P, Lightning Bolt and Les Savy Fav at Fort Thunder in ʻ95!

C. Whatʼs the use in remembering not awesome shows?

MY SELECTED HISTORY WITH THE BOREDOMS

Mind-blowing!

Jamming to the (almost) max

Wa i t , t h i s c o s t s $ 2 0 ? Yo u f i r s t .

Art school was a mistake.

“Potheads” 19 8 9

19 9 0

19 91

19 9 2

19 9 3

19 94

19 9 5

19 9 6

19 9 7

19 9 8

19 9 9

2000

2 0 01

2002

2003

2004

2005

2006

2007

Saw the tour

S

P

S

C

S

S

S

S

R

V

S

S

o

o

u

h

u

u

u

u

e

u

p

p

o

p

p

p

p

b

l

e

is ch

o

ri

o

o

o

o

te

o

o

e

o

ta

R

R

R

a

R

o

re

V

C

la

D

Ta

r

r

r

r

r

re

n

a

ts

rg

y th

e

n

5

6

7

1

n

se

o

u

9

ti

S

ts

ts

ts

l.

a

o

ts

H

o

/

o

m

R

ru

r

co

e

e

e

e

o

d

e

io

a

p

is

e

u

School

e

e

f

si

N

o

z r

n

su

u

e

w

S

n

7 7 B O A D R U M P E R F O R M A N C E J U L Y 7, 2 0 0 7 “Best thing ever” hi-fives!

What the 77 Boadrum performance was like

I c a n ʼ t b e l i eve i t a l l c a m e t o g e t h e r.

I feel lucky just being here.

What I thought the 77 Boadrum would be Drum circle in a park?

Now Iʼve seen EVERY THING.

Is that a woman on stilts!?

S TART

END

H U R R I C A N E C H R I S 始 驶 LO U I S I - A N I M A L始 M I X TA P E H O S T E D BY D O N C A N N O N

First track

Last track

D o n C a n n o n h a s t o S H U T U P. But if ever y tape was good, there would be no good tapes.

Sounds like a rapping chipmunk! In the best way!

Just in time for cruising down Canal St. with the windows down.

One hit blunder?

DJ E N V Y “ P U R P L E C O D E I N E VO L . 10 ” + L I L WAY N E “ D R O U G H T 3 ” D I S C 1

A.

Over t he “Down and Out” Kanye beat!

Over the Rich Boy beat!

Over a Khaled beat

Wa y n e ov e r t h e “ F o r e v e r ” D i p s e t b e a t !

B.

R Kelly!

Yo u n g J o c “ C o f f e e S h o p ” UGK feat. Outkast Wa y n e ov e r t h e “ M r M i k e J o n e s ” b e a t

C.

D.

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

21

22 23 24 25 26

27

28 29 30

TRAC KS

DJ E n v y “ P u r p l e C o d e i n e Vo l . 10 ” ʻ L i l Wa y n e “ D r o u g h t 3 ” D i s c 1

A . Yo u l i s t e n t o d i f f e r e n t m i x t a p e s a l l d a y b e c a u s e 1 / 15 o f t h e m a r e T H I S G O O D .

B. If you enjoy raps that are funny and tracks that are good-sounding you will probably enjoy this.

C. These things can really test your earsʼ patience.

D. Headache!

31

32

PA N DA B E A R AT B OW E RY B A L L RO O M - J U N E , 2 0 07

Unbelievable!

“A i r k n o b - t u r n i n g � a l w a y s !

Sweeet.

Sounds like a commercial jingle!

Beach Boys karaoke?

SONGS

Take T ills (par t)

Berserker

Guys Eyes

Bros (1st part)

Take Pills (2nd par t)

Daily Routine

Good Girl

#1

L a u g h e d f o r a Wo r l d F i l l e d w i t h F a n t a s y

Carrots (3rd part)

Carrots (1st part)

Chores

Comfy in Nautica

Recorded versions

M Y I D E A L S L A C K E R T U E S D A Y O N M A R C H 2 7, 2 0 0 8

12

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

1

2

3

4

5

AM

6

7

8

9

10

11

PM

Sound sleep.

S n o o z e i n b e d t o s p o r t s t a l k r a d i o [ d i s c u s s i n g a d o m i n a n t N e w Yo r k K n i c k s t e a m ] .

Check amusing and/or promising e-mails with friends and/or future projects proposals.

A l o n g j o g i n 6 0 d e g r e e s p r i n g we a t h e r.

Read funny articles in the paper about food and music.

Eat a sandwich [maybe from Italian Food Center] with a crisp dill pickle and cold red grapes.

S i p a n i c e - c o l d “ F o r m u l a 5 0 ” V i t a m i n Wa t e r.

Return a phone call.

Finish heartbreaking, triumphant work in studio. Maybe think of a new idea, too!

E a t C h i n e s e f o o d w i t h n o l e s s t h a n t h r e e p e o p l e b u t n o m o r e t h a n f o u r. N o o n e c o m p l a i n s o r p a y s m o r e t h a n $ 12 .

S e e Va m p i r e We e k e n d a t t h e M e r c u r y L o u n g e . T h ey p l a y “ I S t a n d C o r r e c t e d ” l a s t ( a l i t t l e f a s t e r t h a n u s u a l ) .

H a ve h i l a r i o u s c o nve r s a t i o n s a t a b a r. M a y b e t a l k t o a g i r l t h a t I t h i n k i s f u n ny a n d n i c e .

Wa t c h m y f a n t a s y p l a y e r s k i l l i t o n “ S p o r t s C e n t e r ” h i g h l i g h t s , o r m a y b e a “ To p C h e f ” e p i s o d e I h a v e n ʼ t s e e n y e t .

M Y F O U R F A V O R I T E S H O W S T H A T A R E N ʼ T “ T O P C H E F ” O R “ S P O R T S C E N T E R ” O N M A R C H 2 7, 2 0 0 8

Ever y other show is dead to me!

“Hellʼs Kitchen” “A C o o k ʼ s To u r ” Ever y other show is dead to me!

(To a lesser degree.)

“Law & Order: Criminal Intent” “ L a w & O r d e r : S . V. U . ”

12

M Y R E L AT I O N S H I P T O T H E M U S I C O N M AY 8 , 2 0 0 8

THE THIN GS I ENJOY LIS TENIN G TO

THE THIN GS I HATE LIS TENIN G TO

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE...

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE...

I ʼ m 18 a g a i n . ( T h e p a r t s w i t h o u t b i t t e r n e s s . )

I really donʼt understand shit about shit.

T h r ow i n g t h i n g s . ( I n a t r i u m p h a n t , p o s i t i ve w a y. )

Saying: “With songs like this, who needs songs?”

C a l l i n g eve r yo n e I k n ow.

Iʼm tur ning int o someone whoʼs weird. “ Tur ning.”

I will never make anything that good ever!

Iʼm about to get beat up.

WO U L D I R AT H E R B E D E A F, O R . . .

D E A F, P L E A S E !

NOT SURE

THE “OR”!!!

Make a mistake that Iʼll regret for all time.

Be on house arrest. No visitors. Five years.

N o t d o o r t r y t h e t h i n g s I w a n t t o d o o r t r y.

Endure an Internet blackout for life.

Be insanely poor and not be able to work.

Move away from NYC to anywhere excep t L A .

Not have anyone to call.

L i ve t h e l i f e I h a ve n ow, f o r eve r.

E V E RY H O U R O F F R I DAY M AY 2 , 2 0 0 8 ( P R O C R A S T I N AT I O N I S H A R D WO R K )

1

24

This is not my beautiful life!

Sitting, staring at the wall.

Asleep.

Chatting is no t prodecutive, but some times it is... and some times it ʼs hilar ious. Take a c hance!

F o c u s . T h i n k . Wo r k . I s t h a t a t e x t c o m i n g i n ? N o ? I w a s n ʼ t c h e c k i n g a n y w a y. . .

N o t h i n g m a k e s m e h a p p i e r t h a n e a t i n g w h e n I ʼ m h u n g r y. H o t f o o d d o e s n o t s u c k .

Mee ting fr iends at t heir studios? That ʼs why we ha ve inst ant messenger, nerds!

Will I be one of those people who spend their lives thinking about writing a book?

Yo u ʼ r e n e v e r a w i m p u n t i l y o u r e a l i z e y o u ʼ r e b e i n g a w i m p .

D R I N K I N G A S O F AU G U S T 2 0 , 2 0 0 8 ( T E A R S RU N N I N G FAC E ) THE GOOD TIMES

THE BAD TIMES

Anything can happen! Carpe diem!

This is not my beautiful not-nauseous life!

If you donʼt actually bro, does broing exist?

“A n y t h i n g h a p p e n i n g ” i s s i t t i n g a t a b a r.

Wo w s h e ʼ s s m a r t , p r e t t y, f u n n y, a n d r i c h ! ! !

Whoʼs that dude with my ex?

I think I just joined a Beat Happening cover band.

STUPID EMOTIONAL TEXTING PHONE.

Tickets to the My Chemical Romance show? Miracled!

9 A M m e e t i n g s a r e a b l a s t h u n g ove r.

B U D , T E Q U I L A A N D T H E N V I TA M I N WAT E R T H E N E X T M O R N I N G

BUD LITES ON ICE WITH LIME

TEQUILA!

THE NEXT MORNING

I need to be in the ʻstoods. Bad art doesnʼt make itself.

MORE. What am I? Made of stone?

But I miss my friends.

What ʼs that voice coming from my head? Whoʼs there?

G r e a t , m o r e b r a i n c e l l s R . I . P.

I want to leave and listen to that song (23 times).

That last beer wasnʼt half bad. Another preeze!

U h o h . . . f e e l i n g a l a r m i n g l y “ D e a r D i a r y ” r i g h t n ow.

Yo u ʼ r e n o t b o r i n g ! A n d n e i t h e r a r e y o u ! A n d n e i t h e r a r e y o u !

Did I say that last night or dream I did?.

That was hilarious and also the smartest idea ever!

Ye p I ʼ m p r e t t y s u r e t h o s e w o r d s c a m e f r o m m y m o u t h .

The shots are working! The drugs do work! Bartender?

Eh, stop thinking about it and start drinking about it!

D R I N K I N G A S O F AU G U S T 2 0 , 2 0 0 8 [ C RY I N G - E Y E S FAC E ]

T H E PA R T S I D O N OT L I K E A B O U T D R I N K I N G

T H E PA R T S I L I K E A B O U T D R I N K I N G

Hanging out with my friends

T h e ex i s t e n t i a l s w i l l t h a t i s t h e n ex t d a y.

“Letʼs start a magazine!”

Yu p , I ʼ m “ t h a t ” g u y !

Iʼm checking out! Scram, woe!

I ʼ m s o r r y, l i ve r.

S c a r y p e o p l e = n o t s c a r y.

“Who said that? I did!?”

Itʼs fun!

Lifeʼs too short to forget things.

THE DRUNK ARC

BUDS

JAMESON

THE NEXT MORNING

I should really be working.

Maybe I should text someone I havenʼt talked to in forever!

That didnʼt suc k ... anot her, please.

Ve r y F u z z y, b u t I ʼ m 10 0 % s u r e c a n d o o r s a y n o w r o n g !

I could probably keep this up til 4 AM.

If I could remember anything at this point, it would be a first.

Oh man I have the BEST joke!

An Advil with water and my beautiful life will start, right?

Lifeʼs way too short to be working!

Itʼs a combination of shame with a big ʻol helping of shame.

T h e S p e c i a l s ! ! ! Ye p . . . d r u n k ! ! !

I ainʼt dead yet... someone call me!

I ʼ M A M E S S B U T S O A M I F R O M T H E H O U R S O F 1 P. M . - 4 P. M . O N D E C . 10 , 2 0 0 8

1:00 PM

2:00 PM

3:00 PM

A ripe quar ter inch zit on your chin can and will totally shatter your world.

When even having gotten out of bed and showering feels like over-achieving.

P s y c h i a t r i s t s a r e f o r s u c k e r s . Wa i t , w h y ? Yo u g o t a n u m b e r ?

Carpe diem aka Iʼm eating the shit out of the second half of this sandwich!

Note to self: must avoid television and all stores during the holidays.

Why canʼt more people be like “Campfire Songs.” No wait, maybe “Banshee Beat.”

Time to enjoy the little things! Like lunch or breathing or rejection or failure!

This cup of tea isnʼt solving the worldʼs problems like I thought it would.

Will someone call me to go to dinner? What if I blick my eyes really hard? Herro?

I wonder if sheʼs being nor mal and I could possibl y, ma ybe be t he one being an idio t?

Oh wait the Knicks are playing the Nets tonight? The world is a bright and shiny place!

4:00 PM

N O T A N U LT I M AT E F R E A KO U T B U T G E N E R A L “ W. T . F. ” O N W E D N E S D AY O C T 1, 2 0 0 8

Ye s t e r d a y t h a t c a b a l m o s t e n d e d m e o n 2 n d A v e . . . a n d t o d a y h a s n ʼ t e v e n s t a r t e d y e t !

If I canʼt deal with my own weirdness, then how is a not-crazy girl gonna deal with it at all?

Someone jokingly called me an asshole last night. They might be onto something...

I t ʼ s b e e n m o r e t h a n a y e a r s i n c e s o m e o n e I k n e w d i e d . Yo u n e v e r t h i n k i t ʼ s y o u u n t i l i t ʼ s y o u .

Chest pains! Stop telling me it ʼs just gas! Iʼm dying over here and you think it ʼs gas!?

Af ter I kick it, will anyone actually remember me? Besides bar tenders?

I t h i n k t h e b e s t y e a r s o f m y l i f e h a v e p a s s e d . I ʼ d p a y $ 5 0 0 f o r i t t o b e 19 9 8 a g a i n .

I s s i t t i n g h e r e a t 4 : 21 P M t h i n k i n g a b o u t m i r r o r s a n d w o r d s a s g o o d a s i t ʼ l l g e t ?

WEIRD BLUE SKY, DIRT, AND GREY ROAD AND / OR WHEN I HAN G OUT WITH YOU...

I miss cer tain people a lot who are not you.

I始m drunk.

I feel old.

S o m e t i m e s I t h i n k yo u a r e c r a z y.

S o m e t i m e s I t h i n k I a m c r a z y.

FA I LU R E I S A N O P T I O N / T H I S I S W H Y I H AT E M I R RO R S O N M A RC H 1, 2 0 0 9

I have finally accepted how hopelessly messed up I am.

I will never be able to live up to the person I think I should be.

From the ”Big Stuff” down to snacking, I never know what I want.

I should be over this mar tyr-complex thing but Iʼm kinda not.

No matter what I do I seem let ever yone down.

Itʼs not that I fear closeness, I just canʼt suspend my disbelief.

Do I care too much about ever ything or am I just well rested?

I am the shortest dude in the room at any given time.

I w i l l n e v e r m a k e “ S t a r Wa r s .”

I c a n n o t w i l l my c a t s t o t a l k o r l i ve f o r eve r.

I d o c a r e a b o u t l y i n g o n t h e b e a c h o r Pa r i s i n S e p t e m b e r.

I f t h e Revo l u t i o n h a p p e n s j u s t t h row m e i n t o t h e r i ve r.

I sometimes eat/enjoy Hot Poc kets.

N O MATTER WHAT I DO, I SEEM LET MYSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE DOWN IʼM SORRY

I SOMETIMES EAT/ENJOY HOT POCKETS WHEN...

A

B

From buzzed to completely shit-housed in front of my T V at 4:47 AM in the dark with “Up” on mute and an epic jam on the headphones.

Iʼm the opposite of above.

C

# OF PEOPLE THIS APPLIES TO 5

4

D

A . To r e u p a b o u t i t i n t h e “ t h i s i s a f f e c t i n g m y d a i l y l i f e ” w a y.

3

B . Yo u d o w h a t y o u c a n d o . B r u s h y o u r t e e t h a n d g o t o b e d .

C . I H AV E t o s t o p b e i n g s u c h a f u c k i n g b a by i d i o t a n d j u s t d e a l .

D. Hm? N e ve r b e c a m e a w r i t e r. ( I d i d n ʼ t eve n t r y. ) Never sent you that drawing. (It wasnʼt any good.)

2

Didnʼt come home that time. (I was a mess.)

Didnʼt answer your call. (I hate the sound of my own voice.)

D i d n ʼ t s t o p by t h e b a r. ( I wa s i n a b a d m o o d . ) Lost my Fantasy League. (I traded away Durant.)

Didnʼt stop by your store. (I was looking troll-ish.)

1

Wa s w e i r d a t d i n n e r. ( I w a s f e e l i n g d ow n . ) Didnʼt listen enough. (I meant to.)

Havenʼt called. (Iʼm not done thinking about it.)

Couldnʼt be more to you. (I had nothing lef t.)

Didnʼt talk to you more about it. (I was selfish.)

Took you f or grant ed. (I didnʼ t know it ʼd end.)

Have problems. (At least I can admit it.)

0

YOU SPOILED BRAT!

M A K I N G M Y S E L F F E E L B E T T E R F O R WA K I N G U P A T 12 : 21 P M O N J A N U A R Y 6 , 2 0 0 9

I P R O B A B LY S H O U L D H AV E

D o n e s o m e t h i n g t o m a k e m o n e y.

Read a book about the Universe.

Had sushi with a friend.

Gessoʼed the boards I bought.

N o t p o s t p o n e d my s h ow.

I HEAR YOU, BROTHER!

Searched for Spacemen 3 b-sides.

Does talking about music at a bar with your friends constitute a “night well spent?”

Didnʼt turn the T V on til 7 PM... ish. Oh, “Law & Order”... youʼve always been there for me!

At least I returned a couple of e-mails.... non-fantasy sports designated computers terrify me.

Eventually went on a run! It was only two miles and I ran to food, but still.

Re-read that book at 3:32 PM. Meaning I took down ”The Catcher In the Rye” from the shelf.

L a t e r c l e a n e d m y s t u d i o . O k a y f i n e , I s w e p t . O k a y, o k a y. I j u s t p i c k e d s o m e s h i t u p f r o m o f f t h e f l o o r.

What recession? I downloaded an album of f the inter web and got a check in the mail! In my boxers!

Just tr ying keep the dream alive. (Thank you snooze button.)

Being awake is watching death at work.

I can admit that Iʼm not rich and probably wonʼt be on the cover of “NME” anytime soon.

What shrink? Iʼll just keep my money and nap until I feel amazing.

If I had woken up at 8 AM I would be sitting here, feeling exactly the same. (But probably more tired.)

H A N G I N G O U T W I T H YO U O N F E B RUA RY 3 , 2 0 0 9 ( S P I N AC H - B E T W E E N - T E E T H FAC E )

I WA S

I WO U L D R AT H E R H AV E B E E N

Listening!

Here wit h you (and Shaq and Tracy Morgan).

To t all y no t list ening.

Eating a sandwich at home looking at NBA stats.

THE COURSE OF THE MEAL (IN 5 MINUTE INCREMENTS)

5 Minutes

5 Minutes

“ H e y. . . n i c e . . . t o s e e yo u . . . a g a i n .” ( B e e r, p l e a s e . A s h o t ! W H E E L T H E K E G I N ! ) “ D e f i n i t e l y. ” “ H a . ” “ O h r e a l l y ? ” “ Yo u ʼ r e c r a z y. ” “ N o w a y. ” T h i s i s t h e p a r t i n “A n n i e H a l l ” w i t h t h e l o b s t e r a n d t h e c i g a r e t t e j o k e e x c e p t I ʼ m c h i n e s e . “ Ye s w e ʼ l l h a v e s h o t s , t h a n k s . ” I wonder what the Inter web is up to? Does it miss me? And how much?

“Oh, I t o t all y know what you mean.” “Ser iousl y, what is t he deal wit h t hat!?”

Am I having a good time or is it the booze or is it the fact that this is almost over? “ Ye a h , l e t ʼ s t o t a l l y d o t h i s a g a i n s o o n ! ”

O N S E C O N D T H O U G H T , P L E A S E D O N ʼ T T E X T M E B AC K O N JA N UA RY 10 , 2 0 0 9 ( P U R P L E S U N S E T, G R E E N PA S T U R E S , G R E Y ROA D )

Iʼll end up letting you down, let myself down and ruin both of us for the next rad person we meet.

Grown dudes canʼt have girls making them bummed anymore. Plus, my diar y needs some alone time.

As they say in my culture: “Zit happens.” ” S c r u b s ” i s o n a n d I h a ve b e e r. I d o n ʼ t wa n n a m e e t yo u r o l d ro o m a t e ʼ s b oy f r i e n d ʼ s n ew b o s s .

I h a v e t w o c a t s , n o v a c u u m , a n d e a t f r o z e n p i z z a d i n n e r s a t 11 : 3 2 P M . S t i l l i n t e r e s t e d ?

THE LAST FIVE GIRLS IʼVE KISSED

MOST RECENT “Oh... you.”

“ Wa n n a g o t o t h e A n i m a l C o l l e c t i v e s h ow a n d t h e n g e t f r i e s ?

E V E R Y T H I N G B U M S M E O U T A B O U T E V E R Y T H I N G , P E O P L E A N D S A N D W I C H E S A L I K E , O N J A N U A R Y 14 , 2 0 0 9 A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X

WHAT

WHY

A . P r o v i d e n c e , R h o d e I s l a n d f r o m 19 9 5 - 19 9 9 .

I never know what I want ʻtil I fuck it up.

B. Sending unsolicited group e-mails.

I am short and/or still get zits.

C. My bedroom right before I fall asleep.

Failure? Gah! Success? Fuck!

D . We l l - s t o c k e d f r u i t s t a n d s .

Reminds me that no matter what, you die alone.

E . T h e N e w Yo r k K n i c k s r i g h t n o w.

T h i n g s j u s t p l a i n s u c k i n a n o t - e m o w a y.

F. C h a r l i e B r o w n n o t k i c k i n g f o o t b a l l s .

All the things I wanted to say but havenʼt.

G . We a r i n g s c a r ve s t h a t w e r e g i f t s .

I miss ever yone all the time.

H. Mirrors or any reflective surfaces.

Iʼve definitely bummed other people out.

I.

The women Iʼve dated.

I canʼt enjoy the moment even if you paid me.

J. The women Iʼve kissed.

Itʼs all dust anyway!!!

K. My ancient Operation Ivy record.

I will never make “Super Troopers” or wr ite “Ulysses.”

L. Half-eaten sandwiches in fridges.

T h e u n a vo i d a b l e s u f f e r i n g t h a t ʼ s a l wa y s a ro u n d t h e c o r n e r.

M. Pictures on Facebook pages.

Hereʼs to the ʻ90s! My one true love!

N. Hospital beds.

Wa i t . A m I g e t t i n g f a t ? Te l l m e . N o , I k n ow ! Wa i t , a m I ?

O. Incoming drunk texts at 3:23 AM.

Ever yone I know will eventually not be around.

P. E v e r y t h i n g t h a t I m a k e .

My father and the way he went out.

Q. Riding upstate-bound Metro-North trains.

R. Jogging on Chrystie Steet in January in shorts.

S. Shopping for winter coats alone.

T. The women Iʼve never kissed (but wanted to).

U . A d j u s t a b l e Ya n k e e s h a t s .

V. J a m e s o n n e a t a n d a b o t t l e o f B u d .

W. T h r o w i n g a w a y s p o i l e d c h i n e s e f o o d l e f t o v e r s .

X . G o i n g t o s e e m o v i e s t h a t a r e n o t “A n n i e H a l l . ”

THE FIRST T WO HOURS OF MY MORNING AFTER A NIGHT OF POWER-DRINKING ON SEPT 23, 2008

5 MINUTE INCREMENT

Wa l l e t ? C h e c k . P h o n e ? C h e c k . T - s h i r t f r o m s h ow ? C h e c k . D i g n i t y ? We l l , yo u c a n ʼ t h a v e e v e r y t h i n g !

R u - r o h , t h a t ʼ s a n o u t g o i n g t e x t t o h e r a t 4 : 4 3 A M ? W D E - Wo r s t D u d e E v e r.

Maybe I should quit and reset my life, cause something not awesome is definitely happening here.

Besides all the darkness and self-loathing this actually feels fine. Itʼs SOMETHING at least, right? Please say yes.

Does this mean Iʼm far ther or closer to my roof top with the hammok and over-sized grill? Whereʼs my Lotto at?

I s a p o l o g i z i n g b u z z e d v i a e - m a i l c o n s i d e r e d i n s i n c e r e ? Wa i t ! D i d I j u s t f a l l a s l e e p w i t h m y e y e s o p e n ! ?

I ʼ v e b e e n d o i n g t h i s f o r 15 y e a r s . H o w b a d c o u l d a n o t h e r n i g h t ʼ s ( e m o t i o n a l ) d a m a g e a c t u a l l y b e ? N O T T H A T B A D .

E N D L E S S B U M M E R A N D / O R B E S T S U M M E R E V E R ( B E E R M U S TAC H E FAC E ) I ʼ M AWA K E ! ( E Y E )

MIND-ZONE REAL ES TATE (EYE)

Wa i t i n g f o r t h e s u n a g a i n . . . i s t h a t s c o t c h a l l g o n e ?

I c o u l d g o f o r a b e e r . . . o r 16 .

Have you thought about “Graceland” lately?

Wa s t i n g a p e r f e c t l y g o o d l i f e . . .

Cr y me a fucking river!!!

Par tying is the smar test possible thing to do.

I f c a t s c a n s l e e p 14 h o u r s a d a y s o c a n I .

ITʼS ALL IN THE DETAILS (S TASH)

SUCKED!

Before my stand-up routine.

I miss so many people.

Friends who are not jaded.

French fries on the boardwalk.

Pedroia fantasy baseball-wise.

Being stood up by a girl thrice.

After my stand-up routine.

“No Reser vations” in Spain.

Frozen french bread pizza.

STOKED!

SUNSET (MOUTH)

JUN

JUL

AUG

I could hang out outside in backyards with people I donʼt hate, sip cold drinks, and talk shit for days!

H o w c a n I b e m a d ? I ʼ m a l i v e ! I l i v e i n N e w Yo r k ! I h a v e f r i e n d s w h o d o n ʼ t h a t e m e ! I e a t s p a g h e t t i !

Maybe I should move. But what ʼs L A like? Is the pizza as good? Are the people not weird?

I gotta get out of bed and walk around the East Village listening to Smog... itʼs only 3:32 AM. Another summer and another year passes. Halfway to death and all I got is this homemade Superchunk shirt.

SEPT

THE YEAR IN REVIEW AND/OR TOO DRUNK TO DREAM

1 MONTH INCREMENT MARCH 2008 MARCH 2009

Iʼm not done with all this yet. If Iʼm not drowning I donʼt need any damn saving.

Jameson doesnʼt help your jokes, it just makes you forget them. That and the bottles are too small.

I feel okay! I feel like Iʼm okay! Itʼs all okay! Ever ything will be okay! “ N o R e s e r v a t i o n s ” m a r a t h o n s , p i z z a , a n d a n e w Wa l k m e n r e c o r d ? “ P u t m e i n , C o a c h ! ” Is non-stop napping, ignoring hygiene and a non-existent appetite a sign of anything?

But will the upstate house with the pool and 400 square-foot loft studio make me taller?

L e t ʼ s n o t t h i n k o f t h e m a s “ m i s t a k e s , ” b u t r a t h e r s o m e t h i n g yo u d i d t h a t w a s “ f u n n y.”

“It is what it is,” and Iʼm sticking to it.

My ever-expanding gut is hi-fiving my sprained knee. Have fun by yourselves, dudes.

T h e h a l f w h i t e d u d e o n T V i s 10 0 % c o r r e c t ! E v e r y t h i n g w i l l b e g r e a t !

I ʼ M A M E S S B U T S O A M I A N D / O R I ʼ M A LWAY S H U N G RY O N F E B R UA RY 2 5 , 2 0 0 9

A

B

C

D

E

F

G

H

I

J

K

L

M

Let ʼs just text our friends jokes all day and maybe plan a vacation? (L.A .!!!)

I n b e t w e e n “A A A A A A A A A A C K ” a n d “ S t o p i t , t h e r e a r e a m i l l i o n b i g g e r p r o b l e m s i n t h i s w o r l d . ” T h e r e i s l i t t l e I r e g r e t o r f e w t h i n g s w i s h I h a d o r h a d n ʼ t d o n e , b u t t h i s i s a s t i l l f u c k i n g h e a v y.

A . T h a t d e e p p a i n i n m y c h e s t . N o t t a l k i n g e m o t i o n a l l y. . . I m e a n , a r e a l p a i n .

B. Iʼve met the right girl and I dropped the ball.

C. Iʼve met the semi-right girl but I didnʼt even get in the game.

D. The possibility that I might be halfway to fully alcoholic.

E. My friends know how much I love them, right? Not all of them, but most of them!

F.

Iʼm know Iʼm going to die a slow, painful one.

G. Iʼm know Iʼm going to die a slow, painful one. Probably solo. In Chinatown.

H. I fall for the wrong girl and start caring about leaves upstate during the fall.

I.

Inevitably having to clean out my fatherʼs house and finding out new things about him.

J.

Cars, planes, trains, or any moving big ball of metal with humans in it.

K. “Oh, Andrew? He talks too much and doesnʼt know how fat he is.”

L.

All the things I think are “bad luck” are actually of my doing... fully created and cultivated!

M . T r a v e l N e t w o r k ( a . k . a . t h e F o o d N e t w o r k o n ʻ r o i d s ) s h u t s d o w n . B o u r d a i n r e t i r e s f r o m T V. N. Becoming a person who mistakes talking and thinking about work with actual work.

O. Iʼve peaked happiness-wise.

N

O

A L L T H E T H I N G S I T H I N K A R E “ B A D L U C K ” A R E AC T UA L LY F U L LY C R E AT E D A N D C U LT I VAT E D

LIKE

BECAUSE

I cannot live in the present.

I hope I will have flashbacks of this when I die.

I l e t g o o d m o m e n t s p a s s m e by.

Itʼll happen again.

I donʼt work hard enough.

I have the face akin to a catcherʼs mitt.

Eating a cucumber sandwich and drinking cheap whisky in London.

I just donʼt have the talent and/or heart.

Eating a steamed fish with ginger after popsʼ first illness.

Riding in a car in L.A. with nothing to do and no plans to make.

Sitting on Benefit Street in Providence and being 20 years old.

Wa l k i n g m o m s t o t h e t r a i n a f t e r d i n n e r.

D r i v i n g t h r o u g h PA w i t h G a n g G a n g D a n c e a n d H ex i n A u g u s t .

Wa t c h i n g t h e s u n c o m e u p t h e n i g h t I f e l t l i k e i t .

MY LIFE ʻ TIL ABOUT NOW

0

15 AGE

31

LIFEʼS A BEAC H

The “hm” moments.

Ever ything in-between!

The good moments.

E V E R Y T H I N G G O O D I S D E F L A T I N G F R O M A P R I L 15 T O J U N E 1, 2 0 0 9

Drafting Durant on my fantasy basketball team! (I play fantasy basketball.)

Getting to stay home and watch cable all night! (”Caddyshack” is not on.)

Finishing my taxes on time! (Iʼll just have to do them again in 52 weeks.)

Finding the perfect button-down shir t! (Last time I checked, my headʼs still a potato.)

Winning $20 from a $2! lotto ticket! (Losing that $20 on four $5 tickets.)

Kissing the girl on the walk home! (She definitely just housed a plate of french fries.)

Cooking and sharing a delicious spaghetti dinner! (Iʼll just get fatter in my sleep.)

Getting to sleep in late! (Iʼll just be the same person when I wake up.)

Finally talking to that girl from the bar! (”Who is your friend and is he single?”)

Te l l i n g s o m e o n e exa c t l y h ow I f e e l ! ( A n d b e i n g t o o d r u n k t o r e m e m b e r. ) Deciding to be a better person! (The ceilingʼs pretty low for a dude whoʼs 5ʼ5”.)

Experiencing true friendship! (” Tr y texting me in 72 years when weʼre bot h dust.”)

I J U S T N E E D T O L I E D O W N F O R A S E C O N M A R C H 1 7, 2 0 0 9

T h e f ro n t p a g e o f t h e p a p e r. ( T h e ʻ 9 0 s c a l l e d - i t wa n t s i t s b e t t e r n ew s b a c k . ) T h e D a v i d F o s t e r Wa l l a c e p i e c e i n t h e “ N e w Yo r k e r. ” ( ” N o o n e l i k e s a q u i t t e r. ” ) Relevant ancient chinese proverbs. (”Face like shoe, mind like chewed gum.”)

T h e b a t h ro o m m i r ro r. ( I t m u s t b e m a l f u n c t i o n i n g . ) B u m p i n g i n t o y o u o n 3 r d a n d 3 r d a t 2 : 4 6 P M . ( Yo u ʼ r e n e v e r n o t a w e s o m e . ) The old man who eats alone on Grand St. (Heʼs either bummed or an asshole.)

Returning e-mails. (Could it have been something I wrote?)

Instant lunches in relation to my checking balance. (Food is still food.)

T h e c e l l p h o n e . ( M y f r i e n d s m u s t h a ve l o s t my n u m b e r f o r t h e l a s t 71 h o u r s . )

“ S E E YA L A T E R ! ” A N D / O R WAY S T O C H E C K O U T O N M A R C H 21 , 2 0 0 9

Iʼll take it!

Natural causes af ter hitting an ALCS winning homer (vs. Papelbon) for t he Janks.

Assassinated af ter signing off on the final draf t of “The Odyssey #2.”

A heart attack after Charles Schulz says; “Letʼs start a t-shirt line together!”

Stroking out after a six-course chinese food dinner prepared by Julia Child.

Falling off the stage at MSG while performing emotional minimal techno.

Shot in the back of the head while walking home listening to “Winterʼs Love.”

Hit by a taxi at Delancey and Allen (on the way to get Formula 50 water).

For serious?

C l o c k i n g o u t i n a h o s p i t a l b e d i n We s t c h e s t e r C o u n t y w a t c h i n g “ J e o p a r d y.”

A L A T E H A N G O V E R O N F E B R U A R Y 1 7, 2 0 0 9

5 : 21 P M

7: 4 2 P M

A m I s t i l l d r u n k ? T h a t e x p l a i n s t h e z o m b i e Yo u Tu b e c h u c k l e s . I m e a n . . . r e s e a r c h !

All these hungover food craving are making me fat. Oh wait, these are LEAN Poc kets!

How come I get emotional just moving re-claimed pickle jars around my studio?

Please, God- donʼt let me be the “plastic bag in the wind” dude.

Eating microwaved food over the sink is pretty awesome life-trajector y wise.

H m t h a t c o o k i e t o t a l l y h e l p e d . O r w a s i t t h a t e n t i r e b o t t l e o f a d v i l ? PA R T Y.

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L O O K S L I K E T H E M I N D - GA R D E N N E E D S A W E E D I N G O N J U N E 13 , 2 0 0 9

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R

T H I N G S T H AT AC T UA L LY H A P P E N

THIN GS THAT HAPPEN IN THE BRAIN ZONE

A . Tur ning of f my phone f or 48 hours.

I c a n m a k e m y s e l f h a p p y ! “A n y t h i n g i s p o s s i b l e ! ”

B. Dumping all the beer in my fridge down the drain.

I ainʼt ready to give up yet!

C. Pretending to have swine flu to avoid going to a wedding.

“It is what it is.” - Bar t Simpson

D. Tr ying to make a minimal tec hno record about t he Jets.

D a y o n e o f b e i n g g row n - a s s s t a r t s n ow.

E . Wa i t i n g f o r t h e T V s i g n a l t o c o m e b a c k . S i l e n t l y. Pa t i e n t l y.

Donʼt let the glasses fool you! I get dark too!

F.

Is the wahmbulance on its way?

Napping in studio instead of chatting online. BRB. TTYL.

G. Tr ying to paint like how a deaf person speaks.

I miss ever ything all the time. (Minus the bullshit.)

H . K i s s i n g t h a t g i r l w h i l e h o l d i n g a “ Wo w e e Z o w e e ” r e i s s u e .

I am so powerless as a human itʼs almost boring.

I.

Ouch for real.

We a r i n g a ( r a s t a ) S p a c e m e n 3 s h i r t f o r t wo w e e k s s t r a i t .

J. Glancing at my reflection in a deli window at 5 AM. K. Not being able to do that 41st pushup.

L . L u r k i n g o n F a c e b o o k . “ 8 61 p i c t u r e s ? R e a l l y ? T h a t ʼ s i t ? ” M . “ I w i s h I wa s a l i t t l e b i t t a l l e r. . . ” N. Being cool with eating dinner alone in a restaurant.

O. Deciding to be a better friend by not talking so much.

P. T e x t i n g m e s s a g e s a t 3 : 5 6 A M t h a t s a y “ t e x t i n g y r s e l f . ” Q . C e l e b r a t i n g 31 y e a r s o f n o t s m o k i n g b y g e t t i n g d r u n k .

R. Understanding that thereʼs always someone worse off than me.

I F M Y C AT S W E R E M E T H E Y W O U L D B E A S K I N G O R T H I N K I N G A B O U T . . . ( O N M A R C H 18 , 2 0 0 9 )

What Iʼm going to eat or what Iʼve just eaten or what would be so good to eat.

Somewhere, someoneʼs more bummed than me and somewhere, someoneʼs happier than me.

What in the world will happen after this “Scrubs” re-run? The mind boggles!

I wonder what sheʼs doing right now?

Ever ything in the world is being so crazy except me.

Our parents had it so much motherfucking harder than us. “ Yo u c a n n e v e r e q u a t e s u f f e r i n g . ” What was Charles Schulzʼs biggest regret? I bet it wasnʼt about his work...

Lifeʼs short, but so am I.

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DINOSAUR JR. DISCOGRAPHY

1985

“Dinosaur”

1986 1987

“ Youʼre Living All Over Me”

1988

“Bug”

1989 1990 1991

“Fossils”

“Green Mind”

“ Whatever ʼs Cool With Me”

1992 1993

“ Where You Been”

1994

“ Without a Sound”

1995 1996 1997

“Hand It Over”

1998 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 2005 2006 “Beyond”

2007 2008 2009

“Farm”

Sebadoh released a record.

Mascis released a solo record.

Mascis and the Fog released a record.

Not the kind of record youʼd buy again af ter scratching it.

I would like to be friends with ever yone person who enjoys this jam.

Pretty much perfect! Where would we be without this thing!? (A: In a ditch.)

Af ter all these years, it ʼs hard to get excited about more Dino, but itʼs nice to know that all good things donʼt have to end (right away).

ML ML ML

=NK:MBHG H? :E;NF

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M a ^ ? b ^ e ] ? k h f A ^ k ^ P^ @ h L n [ e b f ^ IZgmaZ =n Ikbg\^ Mabl ;ebll HfZk&L ?Z[kb\ -. fbq @nb ;hkZmm h MZd^ Fr ;k^Zm a :pZ r

SPIRITUALIZED “SONGS IN A&E”

Fu l l y d i s a p p o n t e d . I g u e s s I ʼ l l j u s t l i s t e n t o “ L e t i t C o m e D ow n ” 2 3 t i m e s n ow.

T H I S I S G O I N G TO S H R E D ! I ʼ M R E A DY. I ʼ M R E A DY. Hm. Oh. YESSS!!!

Wo w, t h i s i s b a d .

C N E B : G < : L : ; E : G < : L L H EH B G M H D RH O L M A > L M K H D > L ; :< D B G M A > =:R >G=

L M:KM

Fn\d' Fr _bklm mkbi mh CZiZg Zg] B aZo^ mh li^g] Z gb`am pZm\abg` mabl8 @bo^ ma^f Z l Z f i e ^ k' : ] k n f f Z \ a b g ^ ' : [ h g ` e h Z ] ' : ` h h ] b ] ^ Z ' : G R M A B G @ ' B p h n e ] f n m ^ Z RZ g d l i h l m & l ^ Z l h g ` Z f ^ _ h k b m % \ Z g \ ^ e Z ] b g g ^ k Z m C n e b Z < a b e ] l a h n l ^ _ h k Z l a hp% h k \ Z e e c n l m m h m Z e d Z [ h n m m a Z m ` n b m Z k k b _ _ p a b e ^ r h n Z k ^ Z m c n k r ] n m r'

Ma^ Lmkhd^l Zm ma^ F^k\nk r Ehng`^ [Z\d pa^g Ma^ Fh]^kg :`^ >I cnlm \Zf^ hnm' Lheh eZlm p^^d Zm m a^ Hi^gbg` <^k^fhgr iZk mr bg Mhdrh'

S TART

END

YYYʼS AT MUSIC HALL OF WILLIAMSBURG- SEPTEMBER, 2009

I w i s h t h i s w a s ʻ 01 a n d t h e y w o u l d t u r n i n t o a f u n b a n d a g a i n .

On a scale from one to mush this sounds like mush.

C a n w e g e t m o r e w e e p e r s , p l e a s e ? A l l t h e s e h a n k i e s a r e t o o c r i s py. “ V H 1 S t o r y t e l l e r s ” m e e t Y Y Y. Y Y Y, m e e t “ V H 1 S t o r y t e l l e r s .” ( I n a g o o d w a y. ) Bravo! “ S ke l e t o n s ”

“Maps”

“ Ru na wa y”

“ Y C ontrol”

S TART

END

SOME ANIMAL COLLECTIVE RECORDINGS

“Merriweather Post Pavillion”

“Strawberry Jam”

Other Music 2004 in store bootleg

Hove Festival 2008 bootleg

“Feels”

Pitchfork Festival 2008 bootleg

This is the most excited I can possibly be about music! (Until their next one!)

If we star t the cover band I get to play all the Panda par ts! No wait! The Avey par ts!

I just cannot tell anymore... it ʼs like dr unk goggles for AC. Buzz maintenance?

The era of these songs leading off mix-tapes is still on.

Hm... weird. It sounds like mud a little! Ease up on the layering. Or maybe too plain. Is it too plain?

It ʼs like waiting all year for Thanksgiving dinner but thereʼs less beer than you thought thereʼd be.

J a h i s n ʼ t r e a l l y p rov i d i n g s we e t s o u n d s r i g h t n ow.

T h e e r a o f t h e s e s o n g s l e a d i n g o f f m i x t a p e s i s ove r.

The doors to my mind are shut!

TO COAC HELL A 2009 OR NOT TO COAC HELL A 2009

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3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13

14

BANDS T h e 21 s e c o n d s i t 始 l l t a k e t o w a t c h a c l i p o f t h e i r s e t o n l i n e i s 21 s e c o n d s o f m y l i f e I w i l l n e v e r h a v e b a c k .

Let始s buy $30 shirts! Let始s get thirsty but not drink water cause we始ll have to wait on the bathroom line forever! YES! 1

McCartney

4

Buraka Som Sistema

7

Rollins

10

MIA

13

the Orb

2

Morrissey

5

the Bug

8

Superchunk

11

Ye a h Ye a h Ye a h s

14

Roni Size

3

Crystal Castles

6

Gui Boratto

9

Vivian Girls

12

M y B l o o d y Va l e n t i n e

S TART

END

T I N A R I W E N AT B E L L H O U S E - J U N E , 2 010

U nhur r ied, conf ident, st eady, a wesome and com ple t el y fun jams!

Yo u d o n 始 t r e p e a t e d l y c o m e a l l t h e w a y h e r e f r o m t h e r e c a u s e y o u s u c k .

A not-annoying classic-rock vibes-session that your positive stoner friend dragged you to.

If you unmasked the bassist he would be Flea or someone like Flea.

S o u n d s l i ke c o l l e g e s t o n e r s j a m m i n g o n t h e l a w n w i t h t h e i r ex p e n s i ve g e a r.

FRIGHTENED RABBIT “ THE MIDNIGHT ORGAN FIGHT” TRAC K-BY- TRAC K

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FIRST LISTEN

6

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10

1

2

3

4

5

15 D AY S A F T E R FIRST LISTEN

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9

10

Slightly too serious, slightly too emotional, slightly too Scottish, slightly too rock-ish, and slightly too great.

What ever happened to Cracker?

A L E X I S TAY LO R “ R U B B E D O U T ” A.

B.

C.

D.

E.

F. 1

2

3

4

5

6

7

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10

11

12

13

14

SONGS A. This is a

heart-breaking, epic, catchy version “One Foot In

the Grave” if “One Foot In the Grave” was made with synths.

I loved that record a lot. Sue me.

B. Whoa!

C . P r e t t y.

D . O k a y.

E. Ugh. F. Z z z .

15

U N I V E R S A L O R D E R O F A R M A G E D D O N AT D E AT H B Y A U D I O - J U LY, 2 010

T H E M I N D Z O N E I S S AY I N G I S H O U L D

... be happy Iʼm alive af ter all this time. ... have gone to eat some pizza. ... be at home watching cable. ... stop being a pussy and jump in the pit. . . . d i g o u t m y G r e a t U n r a v e l l i n g L P. ... stop caring about the ʻ90s.

S TART

END

“Step Softly Into”

“Visible Distance”

Example no. 26 of “If this band came out now under a different name they would get a 9.2.”

Great, but not destroying minds aka “turn up, youʼre playing to a bunch of hearing impared 40 year-olds.”

All the annoyed girlfriends are saying it with their eyes: “Grow up, dudes.”

T h e s h ow.

T H E WA L K M E N “ L I S B O N ” A N D L I V E AT G O V E R N O R S I S L A N D - A U G U S T , 2 010

“Lisbon”

Live

At one point (including now) this was one of the best bands Iʼve ever seen/heard.

“A w , s h u c k s ” + “ I m m a s m a s h t h a t w i n d o w w i t h t h i s b r i c k ” = P l e a s e n e v e r s t o p m a k i n g s o n g s .

There is no better band to watch or listen to in the rain.

I guess uneventful jams happen when you stop drinking and star t making babies.

S trained, crac ked, str ummy, whiny, suits and nice shoes.

C A P ʼ N J A Z Z AT T H E B R O O K LY N B O W L - A U G U S T , 2 010

S TART

END “Little League”

“Oh Messy Life”

“ Take On Me”

This is the best possible show for a band that at one point we (I) thought was the best possible band.

Could they be even better now than they have ever been before? And is that THE french horn!?

Let us scream, mosh, stage-dive, fist-pump, make home-make shirts and fight for the set-list in peace.

No one questions a dubious lyric cover-up with the “but-back-in-the-day-it-was-okay” explanation.

Crapʼn Jazz.

HOW MUC H I MISS PL ACES WHEN I始M NOT THERE

M y d a d 始 s h o u s e a n y t i m e t h e Ya n k e e s a r e p l a y i n g i n t h e P l a y o f f s .

On Grand St. walking your dog en route to visit you for lunch.

My kitchen cooking The Best Meal of All-Time with close friends.

A stool next to a friendly barkeep and a bottomless bottle of Bud.

MEET ME SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE ON THIS ONE

Ever ything I love.

M y f r i e n d s , N e w Yo r k C i t y, w h i s k y, w o r k , s i t - d o w n d i n n e r s , the Inter web, frozen pizza, supermarkets, Animal Collective, text messages, ge tting older, my ex-gir lfr iends, tr ips to L A , the Knicks, working, talking and being awake.

Ever ything that makes me miserable.

4:22 AM

12 : 3 9 A M

I C I N G , E L E VA T I N G , A N D S T A R I N G A T M Y B U S T E D F O O T O N J U N E 19 , 2 0 0 9

What if Nick Drake rides into Whole Foods on a skateboard and Iʼm not there to blog about it?

Will all my friends forget me? They will all forget me. “Itʼs me, the guy you guys all forgot!”

I r e a l l y n e e d t o r e s t t h i s t h i n g . I f i t ʼ s b ro ke n I ʼ m f u c ke d s l a s h “ g o o d - bye s u m m e r.” “ Transf or mers” is full of cool ʻsplosions! Who needs a social lif e!? And “ Twins” is on next!

Between the swine flu, the bird flu, food poisoning and falling, I donʼt stand a chance.

If I do 40 pushups can I have that grilled cheese? Can I use butter if I do 42?

Does busting my paw mean something bigger? Is The Man telling me to “hang in there” or “give up”?

Did I just read a book? Are these ideas? Did I really just get more than one thing done tonight?

T h e r e ʼ s a g i a n t s q u i d s o m e w h e r e a s b i g a s a n 18 - w h e e l e r. N o ? H o w a b o u t t h e s i z e o f a Vo l v o ?

A C T I O N S V S T H O U G H T S A S O B E R N I G H T I N O N W E D N E S D AY D E C . 16 , 2 0 0 9

9 : 0 0 P. M .

ACTION

5:00 A.M.

INACTION

Wa i t i n g f o r s o u p t o g e t h o t a n d / o r c o o l d ow n .

Ever ything that isnʼt pounding beers is considered “work,” isnʼt it?

“Re-organizing” old piles into new piles.

“Jay-Z has an free courtside seat for the Knicks tonight? Jay who?”

Looking at books, but not reading them.

I wonder if the bar I go to ever y night is amazingly different tonight?

P u s h i n g p a i n t a n d / o r w a i t i n g f o r i t t o d r y.

I just thought my jacket on the floor was my cat.

Chec king f or Conan Twitt er updat es.

Back to school for an M.B.R.! (Masters in Being Rich.)

“Sportcenter” on repeat!

Is being chubby the root of all my problems? Or is it the glasses?

Peering into the fridge.

Self-improving! As easy as just doing it!

Pretending to not notice my phone.

A multivitamin and an un-assaulted liver adds hours to my life.

Appreciating Miller Lite pajamas.

Tomor row I will ge t shit-housed.

A LITTLE

A LOT

WHAT I HATE ABOUT YOU (I ALSO HATE ABOUT ME)

Yo u c r y f o r d e a d p e o p l e . ( B u t w a n t t h e s y m p a t h y t o b o o m e r a n g b a c k t o y o u . ) Yo u w a n t t o o f f e r a d v i c e . ( B u t o n l y i n t e r m s o f h o w i t s t i l l “ r e m i n d s y o u o f y o u . ” ) Yo u c a r e . ( B u t s t i l l c a n n o t r e m e m b e r n a m e s o r w h i c h o n e o f t h o s e c a t s i s t h e l a z y o n e . ) Yo u f e i g n g e n e r o s i t y. ( B u t o n l y b e c a u s e y o u ʼ r e d r u n k e n o u g h a l r e a d y, a n y w a y s . ) Yo u k n o w “ e v e r y o n e ” i n t h e r o o m . ( B u t a v o i d t a l k i n g t o a n y o n e f o r r e a l . ) Yo u “ c o n n e c t ” w i t h p e o p l e . ( B u t o n l y i f i n v o l v e s b r a g g i n g a b o u t y o u r n e w s h o w. ) Yo u s p e a k a s s u r e d l y a b o u t “ t h e w a y t h i n g s a r e . ” ( B u t s t i l l w o n ʼ t g e t a r e a l j o b . ) Yo u h a v e a l o u d r e s p o n s e t o e v e r y s t a t e m e n t . ( B u t h a v e n e v e r a c t u a l l y s e e n “ T h e W i r e . ” ) Yo u t a l k a b o u t “ l i t e r a t u r e . ” ( B u t y o u o n l y r e a d t h e c a r t o o n s i n t h e “ N e w Yo r k e r. ” )

I H AV E TO A D M I T

The time mac hine! S TAT! No big deal.

I regret cutting shor t the last conversation I would ever have with you.

The more successful you become, the more Iʼm scared you will forget about us.

We ʼ ve b e e n f r i e n d s f o r 8 ye a r s a n d I s e c r e t l y l i k e d yo u m o s t ( o r a l l ) o f t h e t i m e .

Fantasies about stepping in front of traffic on Delancey Street happen.

O n e o u t o f f o u r o r f i ve t i m e s I ʼ m “ s wa m p e d i n s t u d i o ,” I ʼ m r e a l l y n a p p i n g o n t h e f l o o r.

We ʼ ve b e e n f r i e n d s f o r 8 ye a r s a n d I s e c r e t l y d i s l i k e d yo u m o s t ( o r a l l ) o f t h e t i m e .

I fully threw away that fugly painting you gave me.

B E I N G A C C U S E D O F B E I N G A N A S S H O L E ( V I A I N S T A N T M E S S E N G E R ) O N J U N E 21 , 2 0 0 9

AFTER LOGGING OFF

RIGHT BEFORE SLEEP

W H AT T H E F U C K WA S T H AT A L L A B O U T ?

Who yells at people anyway? What is this? “The Muppet Show”?

S h e k n ow s s h e ʼ s r i g h t . I k n ow s h e ʼ s r i g h t . I b l a m e eve r y t h i n g o n my c o m p u t e r.

No wonder no one celebrated my (one week) waking-up early anniversar y!

B u t n o t h i n g ʼ s w o r s e t h a n a s u g a r - c o a t e r. “ Yo u a r e a w e s o m e ! Wa t e r i s AW E S O M E ! ” If you sa w my hands gestur ing wildl y, “sure” would no t seem so passive-aggresive!

F e e l i n g t h e n e e d t o a p o l o g i z e t o a l l my f r i e n d s a t t h e s a m e t i m e , r i g h t n ow.

I w i l l s t a r t f r e s h by t h row i n g my m o u s e a n d key b o a r d i n t o t h e r i ve r.

New era tomorrow! Changing my avatar to a smiling black leather couch!

1 : 12 A M

2:05 AM

WA I T I N G F O R A M U S H R O O M L A S A G N A T O C O O K O N F E B R U A R Y 2 0 , 2 010

I justify/blame eating on being “bummed,” and then eat one more time.

“Staying positive” has made talking shit about myself a lot less satisfying.

Talking about f ear so muc h as an issue has made it an actual issue!

The candy bar that I never got to give to my dad is still on my table.

T h i n g s a r e e a s i e r w h e n d r u n k , f u n n i e r w h e n h u n g ove r a n d d r e a d f u l w h e n s o b e r.

Making enough food for the next three days is a dayʼs work well done.

M y f a vo r i t e u n i v e r s a l exc u s e r i g h t n ow : “ We ʼ r e g o n n a d i e s o o n a n y w a y.”

M A K I N G A L I S T O F T H I N G S I W A N T Y O U T O K N O W A N D / O R J O G G I N G O N J A N U R A Y 7, 2 0 1 0

S TART OF RUN

END OF RUN Past our favorite pizza spot.

I canʼt name all the dif ferent lineups of Black Flag and do not currently enjoy “Damaged.”

I t ʼ s h a r d t o wo r r y a b o u t s t a r v i n g k i d s i n A f r i c a o r h o m e l e s s m e t h - h e a d s o n m y s t r e e t a l l d a y.

That huge, puffy coat and that electronic pop song about travelling still remind me of you.

Getting choked up in restaurants or at the end of baseball games (in October) is acceptable.

Sometimes right before I go to sleep, I eat a bowl of pasta the size of my giant head.

I donʼt wash my clothes... I let them “air-out” aggressively near the window at night.

The time we snacked and watched T V all night in London was the happiest Iʼve ever been.

THEY DONʼT CALL IT A NAPOLEON COMPLEX FOR NOTHING

Blame it on the Bud.

S e r i o u s l y.

Raising an index finger when declaring your indifference concerning the Grateful Dead.

A s s u m i n g t h a t t h e r e ʼ s r e s p e c t f o r d u d e s w i t h g l a s s e s w h o s k i p t h e i r e i g h t h b e e r.

Thinking that skipping sleep means youʼre making work and not just eating frozen pizzas.

Answering questions with names of writers or titles of books (instead of answers).

C h e c k i n g y o u r p h o n e e v e r y 13 m i n u t e s a s i f s o m e o n e n e e d e d t o t e l l y o u t h e y w e r e s t a y i n g i n .

Star ting conversations that end up with you talking about you (then feigning interest when they donʼt).

Thinking that your friends weep for you because she didnʼt e-mail back for three days.

Believing you can make things about missing dead people and have people care.

M AY B E T H E AT T E N DA N C E AT M Y F U N E R A L W I L L B E S L I M M E R T H A N I T H O U G H T

it sucks, but you canʼt be mad at what you canʼt control.

Yo u c h e c k e d o u t b e f o r e I c o u l d .

Cats cannot rent suits, make small-talk, and sit for entire piano renditions of “Skyʼs the Limit.”

D u r i n g t h e “A C h i n e s e M a n Wa l k s I n t o a n O p t o m e t r i s t ʼ s O f f i c e ” j o k e , I t h o u g h t t h e y w e r e l a u g h i n g W I T H m e .

I never made it as that buffet-chef celebrity and/or cast in the role of Millhouse in “The Simpsons” musical.

Iʼve heard that drinking six beers with me is like drinking six beers with me.

The second and third text message apology still wasnʼt good enough? (How does someone respond to Maybe I wasnʼt the mega-genius, super-famous, universally beloved par t-time blogger I thought I was?

I k n e w w h a t t o d o a n d I k n e w w h a t t o s a y. I j u s t d i d n ʼ t d o i t a n d d i d n ʼ t s a y i t .

Can I star t over and tr y again? Please?

“;)”?)

INDEX OF IMAGES

I’m Dyin’ Over Here!

2009, Installation view, Taxter & Spengemann.

More Flowers (in Plastic) 2009, Acrylic on linen, 20 x 16 in.

Ex On a Date (Flame) What I Fear About Traveling: Being Stranded Alone [Pink], Being Away from Home When Something Bad Happens [Blue], Feeling Lonesome [Green], Getting Lost [Purple], Losing My Wallet [Yellow], Plane Crash [Grey], Losing My Glasses [Orange], Spending All My Money [Dark Blue].

2009, Acrylic on linen, 16 x 20 in.

Skedaddle 2009, Mixed media on paper, 19 ¾ x 14 in.

2008, Acrylic on wood, Dimensions variable.

I’m Dyin’ Over Here!

2009, Installation view, Taxter & Spengemann.

Music Right Now: Animal Collective [Pink], My Chemical Romance [Blue], Spiritualized [Green], Lil Wayne [Purple], Smog [Grey], Rod Lee [Yellow].

2008, Acrylic on wood, Dimensions variable.

This Is How Tall I Am, and This Is How Tall I Wish I Was. What I Was Afraid of Before (Blue) and What I’m Afraid of Now (Purple)

2009, Acrylic on wood / acrylic on linen, Dimensions variable.

2009, Acrylic on wood, Dimensions Variable.

I’m Dyin’ Over Here!

2009, Installation view, Taxter & Spengemann.

Plastic, Plastic, Paper.

For Rusty

2009, Acrylic on linen, 18 x 24 in.

2009, Mixed media on paper, 39 ½ x 27 ½ in.

It Is What It Is/You Will Not… (Dark Blue), Live to Be 126 (Dark Red), Get Any Taller (Grey), Or Better Looking (Pink), Or Smarter (Purple), Or Funnier (Light Pink), Or Write a Drum ‘n Bass Record to End All Drum ‘n Bass Records (Green).

Knock Knock

Girl I Met Only Once

2009, Acrylic on wood, Dimensions Variable.

2009, Acrylic on linen, 10 x 8 in.

2009, Acrylic on linen, 12 x 9 in.

His View of the Back,

Ex on a Date (75 cents)

2009, Acrylic on linen, 9 x 12 in.

2009, Acrylic on linen, 14 x 18 in.

The Michael Jordan of 2 x 4s with Self-Portrait as a 2 x 4 2009, Acrylic on wood, 6 ft. 6 in. and 5 ft. 6 in.

Wrapped Dad

His View of the Front

2009, Acrylic on linen, 11 x 14 in.

2009, Acrylic on linen, 9 x 12 in.

Self-Portrait (Rise and Shine) 2009, Acrylic on linen, 16 x 12 in.

My Ideal Slacker Tuesday on March 27, 2008 with This Is How Much I Liked You Then, and This Is How Much I Like You Now

My View of the Front (at Night) 2009, Acrylic on linen, 9 x 12 in.

2008, Carbon transfer and acrylic on paper with Acrylic on wood, Dimensions variable.

Sam Kinison’s First Appearance on ‘Letterman’ 2009, Acrylic on linen, 12 x 16 in.

Dad’s Last Breath with ‘Jeopardy’ and Spaghetti 2009, Acrylic on linen, 16 x 20 in.

Holding Onto String 2009, Acrylic on linen, 9 x 12 in.

Minor Threat Breaking Up 2009, Acrylic on linen, 12 x 16 in.

Best Dinner 2010, Acrylic on paper, 11 x 14 in.

Skedaddle 2

Patrick Ewing and John Starks, Game 7

2009, Mixed media on paper, 18 x 13 ½ in.

2009, Acrylic on linen, 14 x 18 in.

Rodney Dangerfield’s Last Breath

Pavement Breaking Up

Waving (Green)

2009, Oil on linen, 12 x 16 in.

2009, Acrylic on linen, 9 x 12 in.

2009, Acrylic on linen, 12 x 9 in.

Thank You,

K, Sarah, Pascal, Kelly, Carol, Nocito, Cassie, Winton, Gabe, Mom, DeGraw, Harley, Wildman, Andre, Leg, Athena, Ako, Atiba, Chelsea, Olivia Kim, Meghan Lynch, Cathy Cho, Wendy Yao, Marc Razo, Lisa Far jam, Brian Ackley, Dave Portner, Abs, Mike Bones, Dan Hougland, Schmelling, Cheryl, Tim Barber, Snejina, Lizzi, Will Welch, Leo, Nate Lowman, Piper Marshall, Matt Keegan, Glen Baldridge, Su Barber, Humberto, Kevin Doria, Noah Lennox, Josh Dibb, Brian Weitz, Ken Miller, Nick Relph, Cat Krudy, Carolyn Ramo, Schnipper, Nate Harrington, Gang Gang, Rusty, Kama, Alain, Spencer Sweeney, Cynthia, Tino, Desi, Dan Graff, Harry, Jesper, Jon Santos, Max Fish, Piesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;n Thighs, Black Dice, Mike Fellows, Tony, Claire Darrow, D.A.P., the Standard, and Damiani.

For my Pops.

© Damiani 2010 All Images © Andrew Kuo Text © Andrew Kuo Text © Kelefa Sanneh Andrew Kuo What Me Worry Editorial Coordination Tony Arcabascio & Claire Darrow All works courtesy Taxter & Spengemann, New York

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