Portland State Vanguard, Volume 74, Issue 30

VOLUME 74 • ISSUE 30 • MAY 5, 2020

NEWS UNIVERSITY EXECUTIVES TAKE A PAY CUT P. 5 INTERNATIONAL TRUMP BANS IMMIGRATION P. 6 • SPORTS SPORTS TO PLAY AT HOME P. 14–15

CONTENTS COVER BY SAM PERSON NEWS HILL TO HALL

P. 3

ASPSU ELECTION RESULTS

P. 3

ON THE CLOCK, ONLINE

P. 4

BEHIND THE BUDGET CURTAIN

P. 5

INTERNATIONAL TRUMP ORDERS 60-DAY IMMIGRATION BAN

P. 6

CANADIAN SHOOTING LEADS TO TIGHTENING OF GUN LAWS

P. 7

FEATURE LET ME COUNT THE DAYS

P. 8–9

STAFF

EDIT ORI A L EDITOR IN CHIEF Dylan Jefferies MANAGING EDITOR Hannah Welbourn NEWS EDITORS Hanna Anderson Justin Grinnell INTERNATIONAL EDITOR Chloe Dysart SPORTS EDITOR Rich Rigney ARTS & CULTURE EDITOR Nick Townsend OPINION EDITOR AJ Earl

ONLINE EDITOR Annie Schutz COPY CHIEF Sophie Concannon CONTRIBUTORS Madison Cecil Ida Ayu Dwijayanti Nick Gatlin Missi Jarrar Aidan Kennelley Evan Kotsonis Lily Lamadrid Isabel Rekow Emma Sage PHO T O & MULTIMEDI A PHOTO EDITOR Alex Wittwer MULTIMEDIA EDITOR Owen Demetre

INTERNATIONAL THIS WEEK AROUND THE WORLD

P. 10

ARTS & CULTURE QUARANTINE CUISINE: THE PIZZA EDITION

P. 11

OPINION GOVERNMENT SMALL ENOUGH TO DIE OF COVID-19

P. 12

HYH? THE ‘YEP, STILL AT HOME’ EDITION

P. 13

SPORTS SPORTS TO PLAY WHILE QUARANTINED

P. 14–15

COMICS

P. 16

PRODUC TION & DE SIGN CREATIVE DIRECTOR John Rojas

A DV ISING & ACCOUN TING COORDINATOR OF STUDENT MEDIA Reaz Mahmood

LEAD DESIGNER Dana Townsend

STUDENT MEDIA ACCOUNTANT Sheri Pitcher

DESIGNERS Farah Alkayed Brandon Pahnish Sam Person

STUDENT MEDIA TECHNOLOGY ADVISOR Corrine Nightingale

DIS T RIBU TION DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Dylan Jefferies T ECHNOL OGY & W EB SIT E TECHNOLOGY ASSISTANTS Juliana Bigelow George Olson John Rojas

To contact Portland State Vanguard, email editor@psuvanguard.com

MIS SION S TAT EMEN T Vanguard ’s mission is to serve the Portland State community with timely, accurate, comprehensive and critical content while upholding high journalistic standards. In the process, we aim to enrich our staff with quality, hands-on journalism education and a number of skills highly valued in today’s job market.

A BOU T Vanguard, established in 1946, is published weekly as an independent student newspaper governed by the PSU Student Media Board. Views and editorial content expressed herein are those of the staff, contributors and readers and do not necessarily represent the PSU student body, faculty, staff or administration. Find us in print Tuesdays and online 24/7 at psuvanguard.com.

Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram @psuvanguard for multimedia content and breaking news.

NEWS

ASPSU ELECTION RESULTS APRIL 26–MAY 2 MISSI JARRAR

APRIL 26: GOVERNOR SPEAKS TO DELAYS IN

UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS

According to AP News, Oregon Governor Kate Brown apologized Sunday to Oregon residents who are encountering continued problems applying for unemployment benefits. Reports of errors in Oregon’s outmoded system have caused delays to some 334,000 Oregonians who have lost their jobs in the last weeks because of the lockdown due to COVID-19. “If you’re waiting on an unemployment claim: I hear your frustration,” Brown wrote on Twitter. “I’m sorry for the delays.”

APRIL 29: PORTLAND MAYOR’S CAMPAIGN SUED OVER

LARGE CONTRIBUTIONS

Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler was sued by multiple parties on April 29, including rival candidate Sarah Iannarone and advocates for election finance reform, over large contributions to his reelection campaign. They claim his campaign acceptance of multiple large donations totaling nearly $175,000 should be illegal, according to The Oregonian. The donations challenged by the lawsuit are all above $500, higher than the donor limit approved by Portland voters in 2018. The $500-per-donor limit was initially ruled as unconstitutional by a Multnomah county circuit court, according to AP News.

However, the Oregon Supreme Court overruled the decision last week, ruling limiting campaign contributions is not a violation of free speech. Election officials plan to enforce the donor limit beginning May 4, but not to donations that have already been made.

MAY 2: HUNDREDS DEMONSTRATE AGAINST

STAY-AT-HOME ORDER ON CAPITOL STEPS

A crowd of hundreds gathered on the steps of the Capitol in Salem on May 2, protesting against Oregon’s stay-at-home order. According to AP News, most demonstrators did not wear facemasks. Many protesters instead waved American flags and signs supporting President Trump’s 2020 re-election campaign. Organizers of the event described the social distancing orders by Oregon Governor Kate Brown as government overreach, according to The Oregonian. A smaller group of healthcare workers also demonstrated at the capitol for a phased plan to reopen the state, but were largely ignored by other protesters.

MAY 2: GOVERNOR PROLONGS OREGON’S STATE

OF EMERGENCY TO JULY 6

Oregon Governor Kate Brown signed an executive order on May 2 to extend Oregon’s state of emergency until early July, according to The Oregonian. The original declaration, signed March 8, was set to expire on May 7. The new executive order gives Brown the legal authority to maintain the stay-at-home order, a moratorium on residential and commercial evictions and the ability to issue new executive orders in the state. The new order extends roughly three months, but can be terminated earlier with another order.

DANA TOWNSEND ISABEL REKOW With student election results in, Portland State decided it’s in the mood for change.

Election results came in Friday, May 1 with students electing Motu Sipelii and Victor Chavez of the “In the Mood for Change?” slate as the student body president and vice president for the 2020–2021 academic year. The new government will take office on June 1.

Candace Avalos, advisor for the Associated Students of PSU (ASPSU), hosted the election announcement and celebration via Zoom, streaming the meeting live on Facebook for the public to view.

ELECTIONS 2020

1,217 students voted in this year’s election. Sipelii and Chavez—who received 785 votes—ran against Jose RojasFallas and Joshua Childs, who received 396.

“Thank you to everyone who participated, thank you to all who voted,” Childs said. “I think it’s a pretty difficult time for us all. It’s nice to see so much participation.” He added while ASPSU can seem obscure, it has a real impact on students.

“I’m really excited to see how much engagement we had in the elections,” said Sam Swan, the current vice chair of the Student Fee Committee (SFC).

Students not only elected the president, vice president, senators and members of the SFC, but also voted overwhelmingly in favor of changing the constitution.

ASPSU proposed numerous changes in order to make the constitution clearer, facilitate greater transparency and provide a stronger system of checks and balances, according to the voters’ pamphlet.

Two of the 16 Senate seats had a three-way tie and remain undecided. Avalos emailed the candidates for the tied seats, all of whom did write-in campaigns, in order to verify they want the position, because voters will sometimes write their friends’ names without their consent.

Avalos is waiting to receive the candidates’ acceptances before she announces the last two senators.

MEET YOUR NEW PRESIDENT: MOTU SIPELII

Sipelii is a pre-med health science and biology major.

According to him, the president usually studies political science or leadership. “It’s never been a public health major,” he said.

However, Sipelii has previous leadership experience. He transferred to PSU from a community college in American Samoa, where he was class president.

Sipelii also participates in numerous student organizations; he is a member of the Tau Sigma honors society and Build Exito, a McNair scholar, resident academic mentor for University Housing and Residence Life, lu’au coordinator for the Pacific Islanders club and a member of the Louis Stokes Alliance for Minority Participation (LSAMP).

“That was a really great group that I got to know,” Sipelii said about LSAMP. “Not only were they minority students, but they were also going through the same things I was struggling with.” He said that after transferring from American Samoa, “with all these different leadership positions, I was able to find my community here. I feel that community was the reason I won.”

“I’d like to say thank you to everyone who supported me,” Sipelii said. I’ll try my best to make sure that when I leave this position, change will happen for the better.”

Considering the financial crisis brought on by COVID-19, “the president’s main role right now is to make sure that students get the help they need,” Sipelii said.

“I see the president’s position as a resource manager.”

Sipelii is especially concerned with connecting international and Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals students to financial support, as they are excluded from receiving aid from the federal Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security act. “I would like to see if there are other funds these students are eligible for,” he said.

Increasing transparency between administration and student groups is “one of the hardest puzzles” Sipelii plans to work on as president. He wants students to have a say in how the administration spends their tuition.

Sipelii is already creating change within ASPSU. Traditionally, the president chooses committee directors who are then appointed by the Senate. Sipelii plans to be more collaborative and include his slate mates in the decision-making process.

“Hopefully before the end of spring term I’ll announce my full slate, what ASPSU will look like next year—I’m pretty excited,” he said, then paused. “It will be different.

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NEWS

ON THE CLOCK, ONLINE STUDENT EMPLOYEES ADAPT TO CAMPUS SHUTDOWN SMITH MEMORIAL STUDENT UNION, BOARDED UP AND COVERED WITH SIGNS ABOUT THE CLOSURE OF CAMPUS. ALEX WITTWER/PSU VANGUARD AIDAN KENNELLEY “The closure of campus and its immediate aftermath was a massive adjustment, especially since I was there on the day that we had to close, and it was pretty brutal,” stated Louise Adkins, a student employee at the Montgomery Service Desk, a division of PSU Housing and Residence Life.

“We only had a few hours warning us that everything needed to be closed down, and we were given almost no information or guidance in terms of what was going to happen next,” Adkins stated.

Across PSU, student workers have been forced to adjust to major workplace changes as a result of the COVID-19 epidemic.

The abrupt nature of the campus-wide shutdown left many students anxious about their employment statuses and uncertain about the future of their work.

“There didn’t seem to be consideration or concern given in regard to making the transition less abrupt for us or for everyone who relies on our services,” Adkins stated. “Instead, notification of our closure was almost immediately given out, and instantly that set off a blowback of confusion and frustration from residents—particularly over the abrupt shutdown of package services.”

Moxxy Rogers, a peer mentor for the University Studies department at PSU, has found that remote work fundamentally challenges her ability to connect with the students she mentors.

“I feel online mentoring severely limits my ability to interact and help my students,” Rogers said. “I miss them very much. It’s painful not being a part of their lives in a physical way when I used to see them for at least five hours a day, twice a week. Now we send each other video updates and it’s nice, but it’s not the same.”

Supervisors of student employees have made concerted efforts to support workers and to quickly adjust to the new remote environment.

Rose Bosely, the access services assistant manager at the Branford Price Millar Library, also supervises student employees in her department.

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“In our department, our main priorities for student employees have been providing a safe environment for on-site work and remote work options whenever possible,” Bosely said. “Library administration has thoroughly supported those goals.”

The access services department at the library employs 25 student workers. However, many are taking the term off.

“Nine students are still working on-site on tasks that can be completed while social distancing, and eight students have recently begun working remotely on online projects provided by other library departments,” Bosely said.

As a result of the campus shutdown, access services cut back its available hours for student employees. Kaitlynn Duncan, a student worker in the department, encountered a variety of personal challenges as a result of the reduction of hours.

“Because we’ve cut back on so many hours and due to remote learning, I have to fit as many work hours as I can between classes,” Duncan said. “Most of my classes fall in the 10 a.m.–5 p.m. range that we are allowed to work. As a result, I’m not able to get my full 20 hours a week.”

Before the campus shutdown, Duncan also held a work study position in the Architecture Digital Lab at PSU. Her on-campus position was cancelled during finals week of winter term. However, her department has allowed her to take some online learning courses relevant to her position so she can maintain eligibility for work study funds.

The College of Liberal Arts and Sciences (CLAS) Dean’s office has had a relatively smooth transition to remote work. Clare Quinn and Kristie Kolesnikov, both supervisors of student employees in their department, have spearheaded the efforts to adapt. Quinn is the office coordinator and Kolesnikov is the executive assistant to the dean and office manager.

“All of our student employees were given the choice to take the term off and we would hold their position or to work and they all chose to stay,” Kolesnikov said. “We created our virtual front desk as a way to create some work for them and to provide a resource for our PSU community. We also have started at the beginning of the term a weekly one-hour team huddle. During these meetings, we do some training and check-ins.”

CLAS’ Virtual Front Desk is operating from 8 a.m.–5 p.m.

Monday–Friday. When members of the university log on to the Zoom meeting, they are greeted by a virtual panel of eight student employees who are prepared to assist with any inquiries they may have.

When asked about their experiences adjusting to a virtual customer service setting, the student employees at CLAS said the transition has been relatively smooth. However, there are still some fundamental challenges.

“I’ve found that I need to find a really quiet space where I live in order to properly do my job, which can be pretty difficult at times,” said Dameria Villalobos, a student employee in the CLAS dean’s office.

While many students have adapted to remote work, the fluidity of this transition seems to rely on a multitude of variables, such as the strength of online infrastructure in their department and the length of time the department had to transition to a remote setting. For those whose departments were blindsided by an abrupt decision to close, a lot of frustration lingers.

“I would hope that once state guidelines start to ease that the university may loosen their restrictions enough to allow the Montgomery Service Desk to physically reopen,” Adkins stated. “But the abrupt, callous and carelessly haphazard way in which they ordered the desk’s closure is a testament to how much the university seems to undervalue the work that student employees do.”

BEHIND THE BUDGET CURTAIN HANNA ANDERSON While COVID-19 has cut Portland State to what can be offered over a computer screen, what is left must still be paid for. The university was already plagued by budgetary challenges, such as the decline in enrollment, but the pandemic threatens to turn those challenges into crises.

Among a steady flow of coronavirus updates and announcements, on April 27, PSU released its first announcement directly addressing and attempting to amend budget shortfalls: pay reductions for those in executive positions.

“The COVID-19 pandemic made a tough budget situation even worse,” stated Interim President Stephen Percy in the announcement. “We continue to take critical steps to increase enrollment, grow revenue and reduce costs. Nevertheless, PSU’s revenue losses and the likely reductions in state funding present extremely difficult challenges.”

Percy will take a 15% decrease in pay. For other executives, such as vice provosts and college deans, it will be a 10% reduction for those whose annual salaries are initially over $200,000, and 7.5% for others, according to Chris Broderick, associate vice president for university communications. The reductions will begin on May 1 and are slated to stay in effect until October; The cuts may last for longer, however, if Percy later chooses to extend them.

The decision—like many of those made during and concerning the pandemic—was preemptive, anticipating a significant loss of revenue from the Oregon government, but with limited information on how much that loss would be.

“The next state revenue forecast is May 20 from Salem, and it will reflect a big loss in income taxes and other tax revenues,” Broderick stated.

“That, combined with the millions that the state is having to spend on unemployment benefits for the growing number of people thrown out of work, means there will be cuts in state funding for higher ed—the only question is, how big will those cuts be, and how will that impact PSU’s budget?”

Facing the impending loss of income, the federal government has released some relief for colleges and universities through the “Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security” or CARES Act. Approximately $126.7 million will be sent directly to Oregon universities, according to the Oregon Higher Education Coordinating Commission, of which PSU will receive the largest amount out of any single institution: $16,640,405.

The relief comes with certain restrictions to how it can be used; half of the funds must be allocated to students, and what the University itself does use can’t be for “enrollment, recruitment, capital, or athletics activity.”

On May 1, PSU released the application for students to take advantage of the designated funds. Upwards of $3,000 will be awarded on a rolling basis to students who qualify, with priority going to students who have completed the Free Application for Federal Student Aid and have financial need. Others, however—international students, DACA recipients, those in an entirely online program before the school closure or who weren’t enrolled in spring term early enough—will not be eligible for the funds.

PSU also has a general emergency fund for students, regardless of demographic, with rewards capped at $2000 and restricted to expenses other than tuition and student fees.

NEWS

UNIVERSITY EXECUTIVES TAKE A PAY CUT AS PSU AND STUDENT BUDGETS BRACE THEMSELVES

Despite the relief PSU has received and allocated, however, it likely will not equal the expected revenue for the university, which already wasn’t equivalent to the university’s expenses—for the past two fiscal years, it was lower.

The reduction of pay for executives was one decision among a multitude to address a potential budget crisis before it comes.

On March 5, PSU launched a hiring freeze to make up for the anticipated loss in revenue even before campus moved to remote learning. The freeze was expanded on March 26, covering all vacant positions, with few exceptions for positions essential for campus health, beneficial to remote learning or those that can generate new revenue, among others.

While some employees agreed to take a reduction in pay, other employees will receive none, as PSU also announced temporary workforce reductions on May 1 as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic. 106 employees will be affected, according to the announcement, and while they are not losing their positions, they are losing their pay. The change in status will allow them to keep employer healthcare benefits, and qualify them for unemployment benefits.

“It is our sincere hope that these reductions are short-lived and the employees are able to return to their regular work no later than September 27,” Percy stated in the announcement. “We are developing scenarios for the safe reopening of our campus.

I thank each of these employees for their dedicated service.”

Outside of PSU, Multnomah county currently has the highest numbers in Oregon in terms of confirmed cases and deaths: 739 and 46, respectively, according to The New York Times.

JOHN ROJAS

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INTERNATIONAL

TRUMP ORDERS 60-DAY IMMIGRATION BAN IDA AYU DWIJAYANTI In a response to the current COVID-19 pandemic, United States President Donald Trump issued an executive order that temporarily limits immigration into the U.S. for 60 days, according to TeleSUR. The Trump administration is currently restricting foreign visitors from China, Europe, Canada and Mexico, and has paused processing for immigrants on non-workers visas due to office closures, according to Politico.

Al Jazeera reported the order temporarily blocks individuals outside the U.S. from obtaining permanent residency, known as the green card. The order was meant to protect American workers in this current economic fallout. In an index of state activity, labor markets are among the hardest hit by the virus-induced crisis.

“In order to protect our great American workers, I have just signed an executive order temporarily suspending immigration into the U.S.,” Trump said at a White House briefing.

Portland State student Nolan Bylenga, who is currently a Democratic candidate for state representative, said, “To me, it seems like the president is attempting to be consistent with his handling of COVID-19...I think we also need to remember that we really are in unprecedented times right now.”

“Unemployment is skyrocketing to levels we’ve only seen during the Great Depression, with some weeks averaging around 6–7 million people losing their jobs and businesses,” Bylenga said. “Immigration is a backbone to American society, and I don’t agree with any prolonged or extended period of banning it.”

Workers in swing states—key presidential battlegrounds such as Pennsylvania, Arizona, Florida and Michigan—have been most affected by the pandemic since March. Other states that also face big economic declines like Colorado, Ohio and Virginia demanded governors reopen schools and businesses.

“Right now, we have a very powerful immigration ban, but it may be modified, meaning made tougher or made less tough,” Trump said on March 29.

TeleSUR reported the order reflected an extraordinary use of power, which has previously been used to impose travel restrictions on a group of nations and regions.

The order has resulted in backlash, such as protests abroad and in U.S. airports. Throughout Trump’s presidency, he has maintained and strengthened the stance on immigration and border security. Some of those stances are considered as controversial, such as erecting the infamous border wall in Mexico.

According to Al Jazeera, other controversial policies, such as the Muslim ban which suspended the entry of travelers and immigrants from several majority Muslim countries, raised security concerns. Federal judges blocked several iterations of that ban—however, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld a reworked version.

The current executive order, however, would not affect foreigners who are already in the country, specifically those on non-immigrant visas such as tourists and business travelers. Workers on H-1B and EB-5 visas which would serve “national interest” or “combat the new coronaviruses” will not be affected, according to Al Jazeera.

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PRESIDENT TRUMP AT A DAILY CORONAVIRUS UPDATE BRIEFING ON APRIL 27, 2020.

ANDREA HANKS/WHITE HOUSE PRESS

INTERNATIONAL

CANADIAN SHOOTING LEADS TO TIGHTENING OF GUN LAWS CHLOE DYSART Canadian authorities reported a shooting and arson attack on April 18 and 19 left 22 dead in the rural area of Portapique, Nova Scotia. The shooting has since been recognized as the deadliest mass shooting in Canadian history.

Following the incident, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced the administration would be tightening gun control laws, according to Reuters.

“There is no need in Canada for guns designed to kill the largest amount of people in the shortest amount of time” Trudeau said, adding the administration has long been in favor of increasing gun control.

The new weapon ban will apply to nearly 125,000 weapons, including the AR15, M4, M14 and M16 assault rifles, as well as Ruger Mini-14 rifles.

The order will give a two-year amnesty period to owners of the banned weapons, and create a compensation program for those who turn their weapons in, according to Al Jazeera.

Trudeau has maintained that some weapons will be allowed for hunting in Canada.

“You do not need an AR-15 to take down a deer,” Trudeau said. “So, effective immediately, it is no longer permitted to buy, sell, transport, import or use military-grade, assault weapons in this country.”

A measure to tighten gun control was set to be introduced to Parliament earlier in 2020, but was interrupted by the COVID-19 pandemic.

According to AP News, the shooting is rumored to have started with a domestic argument between the gunman and his girlfriend, who survived the attack. She later called police to inform them the 51-year-old suspect was wearing a police uniform and was driving a vehicle marked similarly to a police car.

13 of the 22 victims died from gunfire, while the remaining nine died from fires the assailant set. Authorities suspect the suspect had connections to some of the victims, but others were randomly selected.

Margaux Richardson, a third-year student at the University of British Columbia, said she was unaware of the shooting, as she thought “everyone is preoccupied with the coronavirus right now in Canada.”

“Gun culture in Canada is much different than in the [United States],” Richardson said. “People are generally in agreement that when there is a mass shooting, we need to get rid of the thing that caused it.”

Mass shootings are relatively rare in Canada, where gun laws are more strict than their southern neighbors. The country’s previous largest mass shooting took place in 1989, when a gunman killed 14 women at Montreal’s École Polytechnique college library.

Royal Canadian Mounted Police have been criticized for their handling of the attack. According to BBC, police failed to issue a province wide emergency alert to warn citizens. The Guardian also reported officers fired their weapons at a fire station when the suspect was not in the area. They are now being investigated by an independent group for wrongdoings.

The suspect was shot to death by authorities at approximately noon on Sunday, April 19, 13 hours after the chase began.

Due to social distancing guidelines during COVID-19, there will not be an inperson gathering for the victims, but BBC reported a nationwide virtual vigil will be held to honor the victims.

A WALL OF MILITARY-STYLE RIFLE BARRELS AT AN AMERICAN GUN SHOW. COURTESY OF FLICKR CREATIVE COMMONS

PSU Vanguard • MAY 5, 2020 • psuvanguard.com

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FEATURE EVAN KOTSONIS/PSU VANGUARD

LILY LAMADRID Lillie Clarke and I like to joke, someday we will get married.

Colors: lavender and buttercup. Cake: strawberry. Dress code: dapper, but you do you. Venue: either Portland gothic cathedral or Mall of America. First dance: the macarena. Honeymoon: hike through Europe, all of it.

The joke is after the paperwork is signed and filled, we will have the same name. I will change my first name’s spelling to hers, and she will take my last name. She will become Mrs. Lillie Lamadrid and I will become Mrs. Lillie Lamadrid. These are not daydreams, but certainties. The kind of faux intimacy only birthed of a pandemic. Sweet and bitter and perfect for passing the time. ...

On June 27, 2019, Lillie messaged me on Tinder: “Is it cute or creepy that we have the same name?”

I did not respond. I can’t tell you why exactly. I think I honestly never saw the message. My spring term fling had just declared, “fuck this green card,” and then made plans to leave the country.

While I was coming to terms with the reality that not everyone is as special as they seem, Lillie was swiped to the right. Life went on. Then, the pandemic started.

So I re-downloaded Tinder just for kicks, and on Saturday, April 18, 2020 I responded: “I never answered your question from almost a year ago. So is it cute or creepy if I respond by saying I think us having the same name is cute not creepy?” …

COVID-19 is changing everything about dating.

According to an article on fastcompany.com, there has been a 20% rise in daily conversations on Tinder, with a 30% increase on OkCupid.

Match.com has added a hotline to its website to help people plan virtual dates, so that the masses are not running out to canoodle in spite of social distancing. The dating site has even added a feature that allows hot singles in your area to attend a virtual happy hour.

Tinder has an entire web page devoted to “connecting in the time of COVID-19.” The first bullet point is, “adhering to guidance from experts.” Included in this bullet point is a link to the World Health Organization’s website.

For college students, Tinder U—a service that connects students on college campuses to other students by verifying school emails—has been expanded to keep students connected even when away from campus.

As for the rest of the world, Tinder is letting its users travel.

Its normally paid for “Tinder Passport” feature has been made free through April 30. This feature allows users to place themselves anywhere in the world to potentially match with others— “If nothing else, learn how to say ‘hey’ in another language,” the page encourages. …

It was a Sunday. I promised a moonlit dinner of instant mac and cheese in the shape of Frozen characters on the Tinder chat.

I did my hair and makeup. Eyeliner, then mascara, then Boy Brow, then highlighter, all the while thinking up interesting questions. What is your favorite food? What do you think of astrology? What do you think of astronomy? Water: thoughts? You know—all those questions that get the girls.

Maybe I was nervous. I was probably nervous. I was very, very nervous.

“Is this a good angle?” I asked Eliza, my best friend and a burgeoning comparative psychologist, who’s very good at lighting.

“I think put the camera a little higher, maybe tilt the lamp again,” Eliza said.

We got the lighting right, Eliza wished me well and I waited.

I called at 8:00 p.m. on Sunday, March 19. Lillie picked up. She was a vision. Peachy hair from a quarantine dye job. Eyes for days—I could not see her legs.

“Hello,” I said.

“Hi,” she said.

We weren’t sure what to do. I suggested we answer the 36 questions that appeared in The New York Times, designed to make two people fall in love—how smooth.

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I cannot remember the answers, but I remember the tangents.

We slowly found we were connected by more than a name. Both sets of parents got divorced when we were three. We are incredibly close to our mothers. We have 12-year-old half brothers to whom we do not speak. Our fathers are absent. The list goes on.

We stayed up until 3:00 a.m. the next day.

Around 2:00 a.m., we switched to an old fashioned audio call, both of us wanting to rest our eyes, but also not wanting to hang up.

“It’s tomorrow,” I whispered.

“It is,” she said.

“Will you be my quarantine girlfriend?” I asked to a dark room.

“What does that mean?” she chuckled. I grinned into the void.

“Well, I’d text you good morning, we’d exchange love letters, and do all the sappy long distance dates that are everywhere.”

“Okay, I’ll be your quarantine girlfriend.” …

Most dating during the pandemic falls into one of two categories: constant or long-distance. Some couples are stuck in apartments, but the majority of new relationships are playing out over the internet.

The Atlantic published an article on May 14, 2019 titled “The New Long-Distance Relationship,” discussing how the advent of new technologies has helped couples in long distance relation-

ships. Even before COVID-19 dominated life, couples were living apart. In 2017, roughly 3.9 million Americans over the age of 18 were living apart from their spouse.

Early on, there were letters. Victorian long-distancers Elizabeth Barrett Browning and Robert Browning exchanged poems that are part of the American canon. James Joyce once wrote “Goodnight, my little farting Nora” to his far-away sweetheart. Then, phone calls came. Long distance charges racked up as a testament to love.

Today, almost anyone with a phone can video chat their significant other. A phenomenon known as “background Skype” is proving popular. This is as simple as leaving a video chat open and going about one’s business. We’ve arrived at the point where long distance doesn’t even have to involve words.

Of course, things can get steamier. Autostraddle, a popular lesbian culture website, gives “10 Tips For Better Lesbian Sexting.”

While aimed at women loving women, the advice is good for everyone. Consent and communication rest at the article’s forefront. These things, sexy or not, are truly the foundation of any relationship, distant or close. ...

Our first “sappy date” was a binge watch of Taylor Swift music videos. Using Zoom, we watched the classics: “Picture to Burn,” “Tim Mcgraw,” “You Belong with Me,” “White Horse.” All those

FEATURE

ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE UP LIFE ARE NO LONGER HERE, SO I THINK WE’RE ALL FORCED TO MAKE A LIFE UP. MY MADE-UP LIFE INCLUDES LILLIE CLARKE.

DATING IN THE TIME OF COVID-19 videos to which the 12-year-old versions of ourselves yearned to relate; to have a love so profound you were compelled to sing with a southern twang over a backing banjo.

Our favorite was “Our Song.” In the tune, Swift sings about how she and her boyfriend don’t have a song. He quickly assures her that they do. Their song is the “slam of screen doors,” and the way they talk “real slow, cause it’s late and [their] momma[s] don’t know.”

“How does talking slow help you evade your mother?”

Lillie asked.

“Isn’t it real low?” I said.

Lillie googles it—it is most definitely “slow.”

“Well,” I said. “We don’t have that problem.”

“Oh really?”

“We don’t have a song,” I said. “We have a name.” …

There are many sappy date ideas. A poll of friends and acquaintances rendered answers like “go to the zoo together!”—many zoos offer livestreams of animals.

“The Louvre is always good.” Quarantined partners can tour the famed art museum virtually.

An article on them.us offers some more options. Perhaps a romantic dinner—I know, total slay with the mac and cheese. Maybe put on a fashion show. “Try putting on a fancy ‘date’ outfit and give each other a twirl through the screen,” the article states.

Partners can also visit home towns or other important places over Google Maps, cook the same meal, binge-watch a series, share a joint playlist or—should partners be artistically inclined—get crafty. …

On Tuesday we watched Labyrinth with David Bowie. We didn’t so much watch, as talk, while the movie fluttered across our screens. That night we stayed up late, watching 1:00 a.m. come and then go.

This was a rhythm. We would stay up late, then wake up and text in our respective beds, things like: I wish you were here, I want to hold your hand and I want to know what your breathing sounds like. …

I want to meet Lillie.

“Like really bad, guys,” I said in my Honors 101A groupchat—the most romantic place to declare affection for a girl one has never met.

We’ve talked about meeting and decided to wait until things are better. She will be living in Washington this summer, so we’re monitoring things on both sides of the Columbia River.

Both Governors, Kate Brown and Jay Inslee, have decided to reopen the Northwest in stages.

According to KGW, Brown wants to see an increase in testing and a decrease in cases. From there, things would begin to slowly reopen in stages.

At first, all vulnerable individuals would still be encouraged to shelter in place. When in public, others would need to wear masks and maintain a six-foot distance as much as possible.

Non-essential travel would need to be minimized. Those who could would still telework from home.

If all held—cases didn’t spike, hospitals could manage capacity—for two weeks, Oregon would move to phase two.

In the next phase, more things would open. Bars could be open as long as people were six feet apart. More people would return to work. And then, we would all wait two more weeks.

Of course, this is just a draft, and according to the article, as of April 23, Oregon’s COVID-19 cases are still on the rise. ...

I can’t tell you what her hair smells like or what her chapstick tastes like. All those little things.

Last night we fell asleep together. It was Saturday night. At 11:30 p.m., Lillie murmured: “Should we go to sleep?”

“Five more minutes.”

“I like this,” I said.

“Me too,” Lillie whispered.

Then a few moments passed. I said, “I like you.” I got no response.

“Lillie?”

“Mmm asleep,” Lillie muttered against her pillow.

“I’ll stay up and end the call in a bit, you go to sleep,” I said.

I laid in my bed—eyes closed, just barely able to hear my quarantine girlfriend breathing on the other end of the line. After about 15 minutes, I hung up and fell asleep. …

In a week since our first date things have changed. I changed the settings on my phone, making it so she bypasses Do Not Disturb.

At the time, I thought, isn’t this for parents with children? Or the children of parents with infirmities?

I started to plot out how long it takes to drive to her small town up the Columbia River Gorge where she will be residing over the summer. “You drive on the Oregon side, not the Washington one,” Lillie said, as though such things are self-evident.

I started listening to the songs she recommended, “Think Softly”

by Clairo on endless repeat. We did homework—FaceTime whispering in the background.

I started to imagine a life where there wasn’t a virus and people weren’t dying and I could hold my quarantine—no—my girlfriend’s hand.

I know this is preposterous. I write this article on our oneweek anniversary, and while I estimate that in the last seven days we’ve talked for 28 hours, that’s still not a lot of time. But in the age of COVID-19, time is relative and loses some of its meaning.

I haven’t been to the grocery store in weeks. I haven’t gone to church in a month. All the things that make up life are no longer here, so I think we’re all forced to make a life up. My made-up life includes Lillie Clarke.

Lillie Clarke’s made-up life includes me. A girl she can only see on a screen. A girl who freezes and pixelates and some nights waits for her to fall asleep, while pondering if she can miss someone she has never met. …

Even once phase three rolls out, not all will be back to normal.

Chances are by that point there still won’t be a vaccine, and caution will still be vital. Dating will be different. Bars and restaurants will have less availability. Some people will be divorced. Some people will be in love. The harsher reality is that some people will have died and some people will have survived, but with injuries.

The only certainty is that everyone will have a story. ...

On Monday, April 27, we met on a middle school blacktop, staying six feet apart. But we were able to see each other. In person. No lag.

She was a vision. Peach hair illuminated by sunlight. Sunlight!

Then her eyes crinkled as she smiled at me, and my stomach flipped as I smiled back.

Even with meeting in a large open space per CDC recommendations, there’s still something about closeness. I learned Monday that six feet can feel surprisingly close.

We spent the hour listening to Taylor Swift and saw a cute dog.

We drank canned lattes, and we looked at each other.

“Do I look different in person?” she asked.

“Maybe slightly more stunning,” I said—how smooth.

“We could totally kiss behind that dumpster; no one would know,” I joked.

“That sounds like a very middle school experience.”

“I never had that experience,” I said.

“I have never dumpster-kissed anyone either,” she replied.

When I got home there was a text: “I just got home and I regret not kissing you when I had the chance.”

I grinned. Huge. Unabashed. Wishing we could have a normal romance. But we still have something. Something we wouldn’t have if the world hadn’t paused. Something I could never make up.

So here’s your invitation: Save the date: April 23, 2027. RSVP by March 1, 2027. Dress: dapper, but you do you. Please specify: chicken or fish. Will you be bringing a plus one?

PSU Vanguard • MAY 5, 2020 • psuvanguard.com

9

INTERNATIONAL

THIS WEEK

around the

WORLD

April 29–May 3

2 4 1 6 3

5

1

April 29

ICHEON, SOUTH KOREA:

A construction site fire left at least 38 dead and an unknown number still trapped in the building. Out of the known 10 injured individuals, eight were in critical condition as of April 29, according to The New York Times. “We presume that an ignition of oil mist caused an explosion and the sudden combustion gave the workers no chance to escape,” said Seo Seung-hyun, head of the Icheon fire department, in a statement. Authorities are still investigating the cause of the blaze to confirm the explosion theory. President Moon Jae-in requested all available resources be redirected to the scene of the accident; approximately 335 firefighters responded to the emergency.

2

April 29

KENT, ENGLAND, UNITED KINGDOM:

Freddy McConnell, a transgender man who gave birth a year after obtaining his gender recognition certificate from the British government, lost a court appeal to be registered as his son’s father or parent instead of as his mother. McConnell argued the government requiring him to be registered as the child’s mother is a violation of his and his child’s rights under the Gender Recognition Act of 2004. “Being a ‘mother,’ while always associated with being female, is the status afforded to a person who undergoes the physical and biological process of carrying a pregnancy and giving birth,” ruled Sir Andrew McFarlane, the judge who dealt with the initial court hearing in September 2019. McConnell said he plans to appeal the case and take it to the British Supreme Court.

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PSU Vanguard • MAY 5, 2020 • psuvanguard.com

3

April 30

SUDAN:

A law banning female genital mutilation was approved and enacted by the members of Sudan’s sovereign council on April 30 after the council of ministers approved the law on April 22.

Female genital mutilation is the partial or complete removal of external female genetalia, and can have long-term, potentially fatal health and reproductive issues for women who undergo the process. According to The New York Times, the United Nations estimated approximately nine in every 10 Sudanese women will experience genital mutilation in their lives, typically between the ages of 5–14 years old. Any individual who performs female genital mutilation now faces up to 3 years in prison and monetary fines under the new law.

4

May 1

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND:

The World Health Organization reported scientists researching COVID-19 determined the virus was “natural in origin,” despite United States President Donald Trump’s claims to have seen concrete evidence linking the development of COVID-19 to a lab in Wuhan, China. WHO scientists and researchers believe the virus began in animals before evolving to make the transition from infecting animals to infecting humans in late 2019. “What is important is that we establish what the natural host for this virus is [and] how the animalhuman species barrier was breached,” said WHO emergencies chief Michael Ryan in a statement on May 1. “The purpose

of understanding that is that we can put in place the necessary prevention and public health measures to prevent that happening again anywhere.”

5

May 2

CAUCA, COLOMBIA:

Local community leader and social activist Uenseslao Guerrero was killed in his home by a group of unidentified gunmen on May 2; Guerrero is the 84th social leader to be killed in Colombia since Jan. 1, 2020. The murder rate of social activists in Colombia is among the highest in the world, with an average of one death every two days. Guerrero was the fifth social leader to be killed in less than a week, as Alvaro Narvaez and three family members were killed on April 29. Cauca Mayor Mercaderes Fernando Díaz called for a stop to the killing of social leaders following Guerrero’s death, according to TeleSUR. 6

May 3

SINAI, EGYPT:

Egyptian security forces killed 18 armed individuals suspected of being involved with a deadly explosion claimed by the Islamic State that killed at least 10 people on April 30. “National security received intelligence about terrorist elements hiding out in a home in bir al-Abed, where they were planning to launch hostile operations,” Egypt’s Interior Ministry said in a statement according to Al Jazeera. The security forces found 13 automatic weapons and five explosive devices at the house where the 18 armed individuals were killed.

Cuisine

ARTS & CULTURE

HOW TO MAKE PIZZA BETTER THAN DELIVERY IN YOUR HOME OVEN

NICK GATLIN

Plenty of us have been ordering takeout since the stay-at-home order started. It’s usually easier than cooking every meal for yourself, and you get to help out your local businesses. But let’s be honest, ordering food can be pretty expensive. A 14-inch pepperoni pizza from Domino’s Pizza is $15.99! Luckily, you can make pizza at home for a much better value. All you need is dough, tomatoes, cheese and toppings of your choice.

SIMPLE PIZZA DOUGH

Ingredients: 2 teaspoons active dry yeast or instant yeast 7/8 to 1 1/8 cups (198g to 255g) lukewarm water 2 tablespoons (25g) olive oil 3 cups (361g) all-purpose or bread flour 1 1/4 teaspoons salt

This recipe, courtesy of King Arthur Flour, is the base of all your pizza endeavors. Just dissolve the yeast in water, then mix in the olive oil, flour and salt. At this point, you have two options; you can knead the dough until it’s glutinous—gluten-y? glutenized?—and let it rise for a few hours on the counter until doubled, or alternatively, you could mix it until it just comes together, then throw it in the fridge for a few days. When flour and water sit for a while, the gluten kind of develops itself. When you’re ready to use it, you can just pull it out of the fridge and bake as-is.

NEAPOLITAN PIZZA Ingredients: Dough Crushed tomatoes Mozzarella Toppings

This is, by far, the easiest pizza recipe I’ve ever made. There’s little to no prep, no pans to clean and no fancy wood oven. You will, however, need a pizza stone, or pizza steel.

Preheat your oven to its highest setting, with the pizza stone on the middle rack, for about 60 minutes. When it’s almost ready, shape your dough into 10-inch rounds. The exact size and thickness don’t matter too much—shape it to your preference.

When your dough is shaped into a circular shape, put it on a sheet of parchment paper and thinly spread some raw crushed tomatoes over the round, up to the edge.

Yes, this is a matter of preference. I happen to prefer raw tomatoes. Cooked tomato sauce tastes too much like pasta sauce to me. Find yourself a tomato that tastes good enough raw.

Then, sprinkle, if using low-moisture mozzarella, or splotch your cheese sparingly, if

A PIZZA AT HOME. NICK GATLIN/PSU VANGUARD using fresh mozzarella, around the pizza. Add your toppings—remember, less is more—and you’re done!

Place the whole thing, pizza and parchment paper, on your preheated pizza stone.

No, the paper will not burn. Bake it for 8–10 minutes, or until the cheese is bubbly and slightly brown and the crust looks cooked.

The beauty of the parchment paper method is that you never need to use a peel. I’ve tried countless times to shimmy a pizza into the oven, and in the process burnt myself and horribly misshaped the pizza. Do yourself a favor and get some parchment paper.

SHEET-PAN (GRANDMA-STYLE) PIZZA

The ingredients for this pizza are the same as before. The only difference is this time, instead of stretching the dough into rounds, you’re going to stretch it to fit a sheet pan. Put your

dough in the pan, stretching and shaping the dough into all four corners of the pan, making sure it covers every inch. Then assemble your tomatoes, cheese and toppings like before.

Preheat your oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.

Cook the pizza for about 20–30 minutes, or until the cheese is browned and the crust is done.

Remove from the pan and serve. This style of pizza works really well as a loaded dipping stick. Cut it into long rectangles and serve it with cheese and marinara—it’s delicious.

CAST-IRON PIZZA

Okay, I’ll be honest. I’ve never actually made this in a cast-iron pan.

I know, I know. But trust me, you can make it in any circular pan you want, like a stainless steel pan or oven-safe nonstick skillet.

Cast-iron will provide you superior browning and flavor. But I use a pie plate because

it’s so much easier to clean. I don’t have time for pans I can’t put in my dishwasher.

Assemble your pizza exactly as you did the Neapolitan pizza, except this time, assemble it in your pan of choice. Preheat your oven at its highest setting for an hour with the pizza stone on the middle rack. Bake the pizza, this time for 12–14 minutes or until it looks done. Everyone’s oven is different, but eventually, you’ll learn intuitively when your pizza is done.

I haven’t done the exact calculations, but I’m pretty sure making all three of these pizzas costs less than one delivery pie. Trust me, making your own pizza is cost-effective, it tastes better and it’s a fun way to learn a new skill and pass the time during quarantine.

God knows we all need a distraction.

More like we all knead a distraction, right?

God, this quarantine is getting to me.

PSU Vanguard • MAY 5, 2020 • psuvanguard.com

11

OPINION

GOVERNMENT SMALL ENOUGH TO DIE OF COVID-19

SMALL GOVERNMENT FAILS TO MEET PANDEMIC’S CHALLENGE

EMMA SAGE I want to go back to the pre-Trump days and argue a longstanding point of political philosophy: the cherished Republican ideal of small government. Remember when Grover Norquist said, “I don’t want to abolish government. I just want to reduce it to the size where I can drag it into the bathroom and drown it in the bathtub”? Remember when Ronald Reagan won two presidential elections on the idea the “nine most terrifying words are ‘I’m from the government, and I’m here to help’”? I’ve always wondered how an anti-government stance can propel a party to victory time and time again, leading them to control the government it seems to dislike both in theory and in practice. Sure, it had never reached the Trumpian heights of putting an anti-environmentalist in charge of the Environmental Protection Agency, but the undercutting of government funding, and therefore functions, was always an explicit part of the party’s platform. They said, do less. Now, it’s abundantly clear that we need to do more.

I’m not just a disgruntled American arguing that my government sucks. In fact, I can’t even give a first-hand attestation to how fantastically bungled the United States government’s coronavirus response has been. No, like all the other Europeans, I get my American news about six hours late while I eat my breakfast croissant. I’m a dual American-European citizen, holed up outside of Paris, taking online classes and getting stress migraines when I read headlines such as “President suggests injecting cleaning products into lungs: asks if scientists are testing that.”

But it’s nothing new to say that Trump isn’t a very good president. I think he’s just the final evolution of a theory that, in the end, has to bring the Republican party down, or force it to make a very serious ideological shift if it could ever survive. That’s not just because the younger generation of voters are more liberal, generally less racist, more politically savvy and more concerned with things such as climate change and reducing college tuition. That was a slow kind of death that the Republican party could squirm away from for a little while, with Reddit memes and a “death to PC culture” movement. This crisis will have immediate repercussions.

Coronavirus is the Republican Party’s death knell, and there’s nothing it can do about it.

Republicans said we needed a smaller, weaker federal government. Trump gave us the weakest federal government in my memory—although between defense spending and building the border wall, perhaps not the smallest. By the way, how’s that border wall coming along? Then, an unprecedented global crisis struck, and the U.S. federal government turned to the states to say; good luck, we’ll be rooting for you. Leadership?

No, we think this is the time for states’ rights.

In Europe, we did the exact opposite. There is no concept of states’ rights here; there is German Prime Minister Angela Merkel, the scientist, managing an efficient response that has kept the German death toll well below what it could have been.

There’s French President Emmanuel Macron with his silky voice and a country which even after months of protests and strikes, gathers respectfully around the television to listen: “Mes cher(e)s compatriotes…” We do feel like his fellow citizens because we know that they are throwing everything into this fight, as a matter of political survival and perhaps also because it’s the right thing to do. It’s the true test of every politician today; can they save their people from this deadly threat?

Second to that, can they rebuild the economy and the country?

The ever-insightful Mitch McConnell recently suggested states should try bankruptcy as a way to handle the financial crisis—anything other than ramping up federal aid. For me, the Ouroboros has come full circle and taken a hearty bite out of its own tail. The illusion of individualism, the implication there’s something more fair and just in letting each person or each state stand or fall on its own means that today, we all fall. But tomorrow, those of us who are left can get back up and decide to act as one big semi-functional society instead of a group of wild-west cowboys shooting at cans and stealing each others’ coins. We can vote for a government that believes there should be a government. We can argue about how to best form that government, for sure—but for the next crisis, we’ll need to be there at the starting line, not arguing about whether to even run the race.

DANA TOWNSEND

12

PSU Vanguard • MAY 5, 2020 • psuvanguard.com

HYH: THE “YEP, STILL AT HOME” EDITION

OPINION

AJ EARL

DANA TOWNSEND

The worst part of this whole quarantine, I think, is the fact you have to stare at all these massive projects in your residence that you’d totally do if you had the time, energy and equipment. Well, you’ve got the time! The energy and equipment, on the other hand…? Ehhh. Anyway…

Have you heard all those news stories about the different ways in which your pet can get sick from COVID-19? In North Carolina, the latest pawtient zero is a pug named Winston, and unfortunately for owners of this breed, their respiratory issues mean they’re more likely to be both susceptible and harmed by the virus. This kind of alert is nothing new to pug owners, with warnings about their health issues arising as soon as they’re born.

But did you know that pugs didn’t have these issues before? Selective breeding of the little sniffle-muffin has shortened their muzzle and made them less and less capable of breathing without sounding like a Dodge Dart climbing a hill. For pug owners, pain is apparently beautiful.

Anyway, have you heard about the whole lack of rain in Oregon thing? We’re headed for a deepening drought, which means come July there might be forest fires. Predictions by the National Weather Service and the National Interagency Fire Center have us looking at a “significant risk” for them, which means it’s time to prepare now. Oh wait, you already have your face masks. Well, either way, it might be bad this year.

Were you aware of the latest efforts to circumvent Oregon Governor Kate Brown’s stay-at-home order? Apparently, one version of the law governing emergency orders is time-limited in the duration of these orders and Brown’s run up against the clock. At least one legal expert agrees it might be out of time. Like dogs trying to get let out into a hurricane, opponents of sheltering in place are demanding Brown remember the American Revolution’s cries of life, liberty and the pursuit of half-priced mugarita Mondays at the nearest lotto game room.

Have you been told about the latest in smut in Portland? Yes, it’s true, the Oregon Theater has been sold. Closing in March after years of sex and gallons of disinfectant a day, the theater, its twitter account using the word “cocks” more often than the University of South Carolina’s athletics department, is now owned by a developer who is happily married, thank you very much. The theater’s spotty cleaning record will be corrected and the interior apparently power-washed.

Finally, May is a month of change, growth and new life. It’s also the start of a season of sunny, lovely weather that’s perfect for trips outdoors. Except you can’t go outside, technically. That being the case, you might want to consider a virtual trip around the world. For starters, museums like the Louvre and the British Museum have copious resources for touring online from the safety of your home. The American Museum of Natural History and the San Diego Zoo offer a look at the natural world, while the Virtual Astronomical Observatory gives you a glimpse of worlds beyond. Lastly, the Brooklyn Cat Café has multiple cameras live right now.

PSU Vanguard • MAY 5, 2020 • psuvanguard.com

13

SPORTS

RICH RIGNEY As a result of Governor Kate Brown’s stay-at-home order, issued on March 23, Oregonians have been directed to remain in their homes whenever possible in order to slow the spread of COVID-19. For many, this means refraining from participation in their usual athletic activities—the gym, group sporting events, trips to the local swimming pool—in an effort to ensure the safety of others.

While these are small sacrifices when considering the value of the general population’s well-being, it can be difficult to relinquish one’s outlet for physical exertion and competition.

With that in mind, Vanguard compiled a brief list of fun and easy ways to stay active and maintain that competitive edge, all while practicing social distancing.

While While Quarantined

Animal Athletics

Badminton with your pets

This one is fairly simple. All you need are a couple of racquets— tennis or badminton will do—and something to bat around.

Two is the minimum number of racquets required, but the more racquets available, the more people can play. When deciding on an item to bat around, a tennis ball or shuttlecock—that’s really what it’s called in badminton—could be used, but for this activity, the best option is using a pet’s favorite toy to encourage maximum participation on their part. Once the necessary equipment has been collected, the game begins. This could be a game of keep-away, a teamwork-focused activity—with the goal of the longest possible rally—or just a way for the player and pet to work off some excess energy.

14

PSU Vanguard • MAY 5, 2020 • psuvanguard.com

Competitive bubble popping

This is a sport for all ages and animals, though livelier participants may get the most out of the experience. The requirements are simple—a bottle of bubbles and a low threshold for deriving satisfaction from silly games. The game proceeds as one might expect; bubbles are blown and the pet handles all of the popping. How the game is scored is up to the participant. Consider a time trial, with a set number of bubbles to be popped in a predetermined time frame, or it might be a bubble extravaganza, with emphasis placed on physical exertion on the part of the pet. After all, the pet likely isn’t keeping score.

Animal obstacle courses

For those whose preference is spectating over participating, this sport allows the pet to do most of the work while the owner enjoys the entertainment. A challenge of speed, endurance and agility, the in-house obstacle course is the perfect opportunity for exercising creative muscles. The course may be confined to one room or the entire house. The game can be scored based on the time it takes the pet to complete the course, or by inserting treats throughout the course and recording the number secured by the pet.

SPORTS

Leisure Sports Solo cup putt-putt golf

This sport may be familiar to anyone who has participated in a fraternity. Using Solo cups—alternatively, any cups or mugs will do—set up courses throughout the home at varying levels of difficulty. Golf clubs provide the ideal living room putt-putt experience, but a baseball bat or even a mop will do in a pinch.

This activity allows for serious creativity; how simple or complex the courses are is entirely up to the participants. Is it a par-3 hole with a straight shot down the fairway into the living room? Or is it a real doozy laden with laundry bin bunkers? The possibilities are endless.

Inanimate object races

This is another activity that’s heavy on the creative aspect up front, with the opportunity to sit back and relax once the work is finished. There are two forms of racing from which to choose: marble and popcorn. For marble racing, grab some styrofoam tubing; pool noodles work well, or the kind used for padding and insulation—anything a marble fits in will suffice. If supplies or creativity are at a premium, popcorn racing offers the same opportunity for spectating competition with no critical thinking necessary. Just grab some kernels, one per player, throw them in a pot and see whose kernel is the first to pop.

Paper plate frisbee golf

Once Solo cup putt-putt golf has been mastered, paper plate frisbee golf is the next logical step. Make use of an open microwave, backpack, cat box or whatever it may be. The same rules apply here that were used in putt-putt golf. Paper plates are recommended to ensure nothing in the house is broken, but when ready, feel free to move up to the plastic—or ceramic, for the more daring—plate stage.

Bonus activity

If pitting inanimate objects against each other is the goal, consider the more seasonal, but dearly loved, microwave Peep battles. Dig deep into the back of the cupboard for those Easter candies perpetually gifted but rarely consumed; if Peeps are not available, traditional marshmallows can be substituted.

Equip each fighter with a weapon, such as a toothpick, place them in the microwave, hit start and let the battle commence.

The last Peep standing is deemed champion.

Mental Aerobics For those who prefer exercising their brain over breaking a sweat, there are still plenty of ways to stay active without gathering supplies or even leaving the couch.

Socially distanced superlatives

In times like these, just about everybody could use a little boost or a kind word. While everyone is doing their best to avoid getting too close, show friends how valued they are with some socially distanced superlatives! Who has the nicest smile? Who has the most luxuriant beard? Who smells the best? Who would be most likely to survive an apocalypse?

Challenge friends and see who can be the nicest. There are no losers with this game.

Competitive people watching

Nearly everyone has indulged in this activity, whether it be sitting in an airport or in the backseat on a long road trip, but not everyone has added a competitive factor. This game can be a race to see who can find something the fastest, or an untimed competition to see who can find the most of something. Be the first to locate three people wearing turtlenecks; see who can spot the most mom jeans. See some Doc Martens? Count ‘em up! With the game’s environment constantly changing, no two competitions will be alike.

BRANDON PAHNISH

Share your quarantine sports with us! Tag us on Instagram or Twitter with the hashtag #QuarantineSportsPSU to share how you’re staying active while maintaining social distancing.

PSU Vanguard • MAY 5, 2020 • psuvanguard.com

15

A SHADOW FROM THE PAST

CHAINS AND CHAINS AND MORE CHAINS

NATURE’S SECRETS

DANA TOWNSEND