A Favorite Memory

by Carol Bennett-Barker Licensing Resource Worker and Trainer

Many years ago, we had a wonderful discussion in one of the groups of Updated Parenting Skills Training about how to begin connecting with a new foster child or youth recently placed in your foster home. There were many ideas from that group, both men and women, several with years of experience fostering. Individually and collectively they saw the value in sharing time together, shopping together, cooking together, taking a walk or bike riding together, enjoying music together—with dancing!, playing UNO or Yahtzee, visiting a zoo or enjoying ice cream cones together, making homemade ice cream or freshly-squeezed lemonade together, or even reading together…all wonderful activities for many age levels. This conversation promoted further exploring things to do—go fishing on a sunny day, visit the local library and sign up for a library card, make cookies to share with an elderly neighbor, clean up a yard together for a busy parent with many active children, sit in the wading pool together with broad-brimmed hats, sunscreen, glasses of iced tea, and watch the puffy clouds float by…play with toy trucks and cars in the sandbox while forming roads circling hills and mountains of sand, with random sticks standing in the sand like trees, singing favorite songs together with guitar – if available. Reading stories about children and families from other lands, about children who look like the child in our care or about adults who look like the caregiver, or about other children and youth in foster care. This conversation went directly to the heart of the discussion—“where do you begin?” The answer was clear and steady, provided with confidence and from much experience…”you begin where the child is”.

We know our kids have experienced trauma—all kinds, at different intervals and durations, often leaving damage on their precious hearts and minds. Trauma often slows development, or stops child development altogether. So here we have a 6 year old living in our foster home, but the 6 year old has social, emotional, and mental abilities of a 2 year old…that’s where we begin our work to connect, engaging in play that is appropriate for a 2 year old. Anything more would be confusing, perhaps intimidating, or even overwhelming. Anything older than 2 is beyond what this 6 year old is able to understand, as they need to feel a strong sense of safety and comfort while participating in activities to connect, build trust, and begin to value others, seeing that caregiver as a safe haven or secure base. That’s exactly where to begin… blowing bubbles, kicking a ball, bouncing a ball, looking for wildflowers in the tall grass, wading barefoot in the puddles, rolling down a hillside while lying on the ground, squealing and laughing all the way down to the base of the hill.

Play is the important work of childhood and adulthood, although adults often forget…Play is when we compare, experiment, explore, replicate, interact with others, address conflicts or make plans with others, dream, imagine, study, focus, enjoy, become puzzled or impatient, figure out Plan B, share with others, follow, lead, consider options, expand or contract, experience investing time and money, When adults join in play with children in their care, magic will fill the air—adults do not enter to dictate and tell everyone what to do. Adults enter to be on equal footing with every child, as the child is now on equal footing with the adult. And now we are all part of this important work called “play”. It’s during this precious time we get to know each other through the use of empathy and true listening. We also have the