President Wohlpart’s second home to be constructed underneath Bouillon Hall

Mysterious fenced off holes mark start of new era

Katherine Camarata Satirist

What most believed to be a simple and usual construction site with holes left uncovered behind cyclone fences was actually something far more progressive and unexpected: the future location of President Jim Wohlpart’s new home.

Wohlpart said he wanted to “take one for the team” costwise with enrollment still on a decline and decided that instead of building a second home in the Maldives, he would relocate it to a concrete nest being built under Bouillon Hall.

“I couldn’t think of a better location than under a building named after soup broth ingredients,” Wohlpart exclaimed. “What could be more comforting than soup?”

Bert and Ernie celebrate their 50th anniversary

Morgana Carroll Satirist

Streamers lined the SURC as a banner with the words “Happy Anniversary Bert and Ernie!” scribbled on it was hung from the ceiling to celebrate CWU alumni Bert and husband Ernie’s 50 years of marriage together.

Bert graduated with a degree in bird watching in 1965 and would meet the then boy next door Ernie at his new Sesame Street apartment after leaving his hometown of Ellensburg. Bert proposed four years later at the Stonewall Riots.

The event was put together with the help of the alumni board and Bert’s old friend Jim Wohlpart. They tried their best to keep it a surprise, but according to Wohlpart, it’s hard to get a couple on a plane right before their anniversary date without raising a few eyebrows.

“Bert’s always been a nervous flier,” Wohlpart said. “He was asking a hundred questions as we boarded the plane.”

Over 500,000 people were at the party, nearly meeting the capacity for the SURC.

All eyes were on the dancefloor as Big Bird and Wellington discoed into the night.

“I never expected such a cool cat to be willing to boogie with me,” Big Bird said.

The party went late into the night, causing many to complain about the noise. When police officers arrived in response, rather than breaking the party up they joined in, diving onto the dancefloor to do the worm with Slimey.

The happy couple were seen laughing and enjoying themselves throughout the entire night.

“I can’t believe that this many people came out to celebrate with us,” Bert said. “To have so many good friends, it’s even better than oatmeal.”

Around halfway through the party, Ernie finally managed to pull Bert onto the dancefloor for a slow dance to “Can’t Help Falling in Love With You” by Elvis Presley.

“He has two left feet and no sense of rhythm,” Ernie said. “But there’s no one I’d rather dance with.”

The student body couldn’t agree more as they gear up for a caution-tape-cutting ceremony on April 32, where Wohlpart will be spoon-feeding his constituents ice cream and reading to them while dressed up as Wellington.

At the event, the CWU cheer squad will be carefully placing Wohlpart at the top of their pyramid before he does a somersault tumble into his freshly-renovated second home for the first time!

“I’m proud of our community for the bottom-up approach we just took to this cheer formation,” Wohlpart said while doing a snap after a crisply-landed back handspring in rehearsal.

Wohlpart said he hopes to expand his new home to include a web of tunnels underneath the school for him to travel through so he can make surprise appearances in classrooms.

“Can you imagine?” Wohlpart asked. “You’re in the middle of your COM 444 class, you’re relaxed, you think you’re having a normal day, then BAM! Here comes Wohlpart wearing a curly wig and mardi gras beads, talking about relations versus transactions. Wouldn’t that be something to write home about?”

Wohlpart said the tunnels will have wifi access, air conditioning and “enough space to work out your woes on a leisurely stroll.”

According to Wohlpart, his new “smart den” and subsequent tunnels will feature state-ofthe-art technology supported by various departments on campus. The underground dwelling will receive silver STARS in sustainability by 2025 at this rate.

Dining services has a direct tube running from the Bistro kitchen through the sidewalk and into a mouthpiece nozzle that Wohlpart can access for food at any time, according to shoulders, knees and toes of dining, Mary Nate.

The Computer Science department in Samuelson is taking this a step further by developing a microchip that will allow Wohlpart to ingest food psychically at any time; this project is set to finish in 2025.

“The technology is advancing, and CWU is no exception,” Wohlpart explained. “We are working closely with our student governance groups to determine how best to roll out this technology to students as faculty comes to understand its twists and turns.”

Wohlpart said he hopes students will visit him in his second home, even if they have to wear headlamps and other miners gear.

“You can get a cool miner’s hat with a lamp built in and Wwellington’s outline stitched all over it at the Wildcat Shop, how can you resist?” Wohlpart said.

After construction is complete, the Recreational Center in the SURC will offer free rock-climbing workshops for those interested in learning how to visit the depths of Wohlpart’s den.