Issue 92

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Editor’s Note

The Truth Behind CWRU’s Messed Up Clocks

Tejas Joshi

No longer able to afford our own heating, The Athenian staff warmed ourselves on the embers from the fire we lit in The Observer’s office space, desperately thinking of a way out of our financial imperilment. Suddenly, I was struck with inspiration.

“I have a solution to our funding woes!” I announced in my most editor-in-chiefly voice. The staff responded with enthusiasm.

“Will this be anything like your plan to open a rival dining hall to put Leutner out of business?” asked Aquene. “Or your petition to allow swiping into residence halls with credit cards?”

“Wait, hear me out,” I replied. “I don’t hear any of you making your own suggestions.”

Rohan spoke up: “Actually, I was doing some back of the envelope calculations and we might be able to break even by expanding our ad revenue with target—”

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Contributors Barnabas Brennan Jessica Chalas Erin Hartmann Ruth Johnson Stephen Kerby Daniel Kessler Charles Li Alaina Lisanti Paulina Martz Daniel Mottern Paul Palumbo Riddhi Patel

Executives Tejas Joshi David Pendergast Letty Dornfeld Michael Codega JP O’Hagan Mahima Devarajan Aquene Kimmel Rohan Krisna Kushagra Gupta Anastazia Vanisko Sarah Whelan

“Shut up, Rohan,” everyone responded reflexively.

“Wait, what’s going on?” asked Sarah, seemingly unaware of the purpose of our meeting but conveniently also providing an excuse for us to recall the events earlier that day.

President Barbara R. Snyder had beckoned our staff into her office.

“I have recently become aware of your existence,” she explained.

“Hooray,” cheered Michael and JP, happier than Merrick Garland at a Senate hearing.

“Obviously, I am defunding you immediately,” she continued.

“Hooray,” cheered Mahima, who has always been a little late to the party.

“No, The Athenian is too big to fail!” I wailed, voice cracking in horror.

“Sorry, what did I miss?” asked Anastazia, as she hurried in, also late to the party.

Thus caught up, I explained the intricate details of my plan: “We need to find a wealthy individual or corporation to sponsor us for free!” The staff stared blankly at me. “Let’s get to it!” I continued.

As an example, I began composing an email to the Koch brothers titled “DO U LIKE HUMOR? PAY US.” Within a few hours of our team’s frantic clicking, we had amassed a grand total of 18 sponsorship offers. We ultimately chose to become affiliated with TIME magazine, due to their promise to pay our legal fees for setting The Observer office space on fire while David was still inside.

Thus, welcome to our first print of The Athenian with our new sponsor: The Time Issue. Enjoy the general hilarity and if you would like to get involved in writing or graphics or ad sales, send an email to athenian@case.edu. Join The Athenian—it’s what David would have wanted.

Time Troubles: Alarm Clock Struggles Staff Reporter

Time management is a difficult skill to master. There is not enough time and too much management.

In the search for a novel alarm clock system set-up, this exemplary set of alarms was shared from the phone of a Biomedical Engineer.

The student indicated they made it to the gym once or twice, and they always make it to the quad for the free food.

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The oddly inconsistent clocks hung in lecture auditoriums and hallways around campus have long perplexed Case Western Reserve University students. Why does one stop for two seconds, then jump 15 seconds forward? Why do SAGES seminars stretch on so much longer on Mondays, and why do weekends seem to end sooner each month? The top minds on campus have attempted to answer these questions through the use of Occam’s Hairbrush, the Franciscan friar’s less notable principle stating that you might as well comb through all possibilities.

A common theory is that the little people who live in the clocks and are responsible for turning them have begun to unionize. In response to the unfavorable working conditions created by the clock masters, the little blue-collar workers have gone on strike multiple times. As they are so tiny, the strikes have lasted only a few seconds at a time. Word is they negotiated better wages and overtime pay, which may account for the sud-

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Sabanrab Nannerb den increases in time production.

This coming month may prove even more chaotic for the time-turning industry, as they have nominated their own, extra-tiny Trumpopulist candidate for office. Some have threatened to move to digital clocks if he is elected.

Another popular theory is that the discordance among the campus clocks is due to the physics department’s experiments in gravity manipulation. The resulting mini gravity wells have caused time dilation across the quad that even bled into North Side. Supposedly, the newest faculty member leading the research is actually Albert Einstein, who faked his death after inventing an aerospace craft that can travel near the speed of light. Evidently he traveled into the future to see his legacy—a fitting move for the biggest troll in the scientific community.

Most disturbing is the theory that all CWRU undergraduates are merely lab rats in an elaborate psychology experiment. The purpose of the experiment is to test the effects of subliminal disori-

entation on students due to the duration of delays and discontinuities of time. If students survive this gradual descent into madness, they are awarded a cheese diploma upon graduation. Our daring reporters attempted to corroborate this theory, but the students they interviewed started to nibble on the microphone. This theory explains some of the ungodly course loads CWRU subjects students to each semester, as well as the close kinship between students and campus squirrels.

Also highly prevalent is the belief that the faulty clocks are connected to a synchronized Christmas lights program, the kind that is over-thought and unnecessary, similar to the lights display of your neighbor who thought they could “win” Christmas. The general consensus is that an overly competitive student rigged the clocks intentionally to throw everyone off and nab valedictorian.

Our intrepid reporters at The Athenian will continue to investigate which, if any, of these theories are true.

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A Rundown of the Last “Five” Minutes of Class Jessica Chalas

2 minutes 3 minutes 5 minutes to freedom You come to terms with the fact that your career You absentmindedly You frantically jot down the last bit of inforlies in a fast-food restaurant, when the teacher asks calculate that if you’re mation you can salvage before the projector down two points a question that “may or may not be on the exam, so screen goes black. (Funny how professors don’t leave yet.” after every class always seem to be staring straight at you period that takes and your frazzled appearance as they 1 minute place before the exit out of that one Powerpoint slide Your stomach begins to grumble, but while there is still midterm/final, you containing the answer to the hardest hope in your future, you make a last ditch effort at paying will essentially question on the upcoming exam. attention…. be shooting for a The power trip is cruel.)

End of Class (according to SIS, that is) D- come exam .…to no avail. Just after the minute hand moves, your brain day. Quarter-life 4 minutes shuts off. You continue to stare at the professor but soon recrisis ensues.

You’re still working on the alize that the words coming out of his mouth are a mix of Pig notes, though every second your Latin, Java and Shakespeare. brain starts to mix up what you 1 minute after thought you memorized with Your mind turns to more important issues—dinner plans— what is a complete fabrication though the professor drudges on about electrical potential in of your sleep-deprived, Netan axon, or some other fantastical mechanism that either points flix-filled mind. No wonder to the intelligence of the human race or the workings of a drug your notes end up reading addict who called himself a scientist and managed to convince the exact opposite of what the world of his theories. is correct. There goes 2 minutes after another exam point.

Still contemplating the food—it’s a tough decision. “Almost as hard as the exam will be,” you think to yourself. “Still, dinner at the dining hall doesn’t start until 5 p.m., so there might be a stray Pop-Tart at the bottom of my backpack to hold me over. Then again, I did hear something about free Chipotle at some club meeting I could pretend to be interested in, but that would mean giving up on my diet, so maybe the apple at Grab-It is the best option?

Screw it, I’m getting Jolly.”

3 minutes after The teacher has finally stopped talking and you can now fully pack up without feeling guilty about not trying to maintain some semblance of attention. “Oh hey, there’s that PopTart!”

4 minutes after You stand up to leave just to find you’re a mess and in need of a quick tidy-up.

After tying a shoe, zipping up a pocket, finding your hundred-dollar calculator under the seat and pulling out a sweater just in case there’s a breeze, you’re finally ready to head out. The Jolly Scholar awaits.

5 minutes after You sneak a peek at your phone and see the date. “Wait, wait, wait, is it Tuesday?” You suddenly recall you have another class on the opposite side of campus in now 10 minutes’ time. What’s more, it’s quiz day and you forgot to study, since of course you thought it was Thursday…. Not surprising, really, given that each class runs 5 minutes later than intended. Humph.

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How to Enhance your Bus Experience Oksinav Aizatsana Nothing quite compares to the microcosm of city life that you’ll find on a Cleveland bus. Incoming students and veteran bus riders alike never know what they’ll encounter when they step on the HealthLine or the 9. Now that you’ve decided to explore our city using the transportation system that best reflects its dynamic character, here are some tips to help you make the most of your Cleveland bus experience.

Press the button for every stop.

Seize every opportunity to maximize your bus-riding experience, and continuously press the stop button. Besides, if you don’t take every opportunity to stop the bus, you risk arriving at your destination early. Imagine the awkward tension if you’re even five minutes early to a dinner downtown and must wait for your friend to arrive. The greeter will silently judge you, and you’ll stand there in self-inflicted psychological torment as you imagine what they’re thinking.

Get off at random stops.

There’s no better way to learn about Cleveland than getting off the bus at stops you know nothing about. Explore vacant, boarded up apartments in one neighborhood, and at another stop discover the gentrified neighborhoods they’ll become when rising prices push out all the folks living in poverty.

Sing along with musically inclined passengers.

To consider your bus-riding experience authentic, you’ll need to hear at least one person singing or rapping. Some people keep it subtle, bobbing their heads to the music in their headphones and rapping under their breath. For others, the bus is their stage and the riders are the audience. A few will even throw in some vigorous dancing. To show your support, sing backup. Your “audience” will have no choice but to give you a standing ovation as they get off at the next stop.

CWRU Life Hacks Riddhi Patel The semester is starting once again, and you have either returned to one of the most sleep-deprived college campuses1 or you are a newly matriculated student eagerly awaiting the best four years of your life. Well, new or old student, you have stumbled upon the article that will make this semester the most successful one yet. Here is a list of college life hacks that will help you survive out here at Case Western Reserve University.

1) Do not buy any silverware or plates.

Why waste money on small and unnecessary things like cutlery when you can be old-fashioned and use your hands?

Better than that, do not buy any plates. Not even paper. Eat all the food you make on napkins or from the pot you made them in. Chipotle and Leutner also have a lot to offer in terms of “free” cutlery.

2) If you’re drinking, don’t eat.

Drinking on a college budget is hard.

The best way to save time, money and calories is by becoming a lightweight.

The best way to do this is by skipping meals. So if you’re going out skip the meal and grab a beer.

3) Minimize back pain by not using a backpack.

Lugging around a heavy backpack on the mile walk to class that we have to make every morning takes a toll on your spine. So to prevent all that pain, do not buy a backpack. Just ask classmates for paper and steal pens from offices and friends. If people get annoyed, rotate who you ask in order to divide up your neediness.

4) No AC? Sleep at KSL or PBL. One of the many disadvantages of underclassmen housing is no AC. Just sleep in KSL or some other building open 24 hours. People may stare, but they will get used to it. http://news.bitofnews.com/25-sleep-deprived-schools-according-fitness-tracking-data/

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Latest Smart Watch Feature Guide Letty Dornfeld

Student Thinks Within the Possible, Suspended Staff Reporter At Case Western Reserve University, our motto is “Think Beyond the Possible.” Here, students prepare for the real world by learning to tackle their problems from multiple directions. Any direction you can think of, and even a few that aren’t humanly possible yet, is encouraged by faculty members. However this constant striving for unconventional approaches has never been as apparent as this week, when ex-student Gerard Haverford, class of 2017, was suspended for thinking within the possible.

The day was Sept. 5. It was especially humid. Haverford remembers this due to his desperation to return to his apartment after his last class, only to be greeted by a small black envelope with a waxy crimson seal.

“It was on President Snyder’s personal letterhead, but I had no idea what it was about,” said Haverford.

“All it said was ‘We know what you did’ scrawled in blood, and a picture of my face, scribbled out in red.”

Later that day when Haverford

Group Member’s Web of Lies Exposed David Pendergast CLEVELAND, OH—Three classmates foiled an attempt to evade group-work duties on Thursday, Oct. 8, accusing group member Rachel of not doing her fair share of the project. According to one of the whistleblowers, she “used lies, halftruths and manipulations to get away with doing hardly any work at all.”

The group started becoming suspicious on the very first day of class, when the yet-unexposed fraudster announced, “I have a pretty busy schedule this semester, so I’m not sure I’ll be able to make every group meeting.” Her offer to “fill in anything you guys don’t finish” was met with uneasy acceptance.

Another red flag was when the 6

third-year engineering student said, “MATLAB? I’ve never used that program before, so maybe someone more experienced should tackle that part,” despite having definitely used the numerical computing environment before. The naïve trio surrendered to Rachel’s demands once again.

They started raising their eyebrows when she said, “Believe me, you don’t want me writing anything—my grammar is terrible.”

Her self-assessment conflicted with Team Leader Andrew’s belief that her grammar was probably fine.

Some other incriminating statements included “I can handle the title page and abstract” and “I think this

looks pretty good as is; I’m not sure we even need to add anything.” However what really sent the group over the edge was the claim that “I did a bunch of little stuff everywhere so it’s hard to say exactly what sections I did.” In response to these transgressions, the three other group members confronted the con artist with their record of her damning comments, and demanded she write the entire literature review introduction or face sanctions from poor peer evaluations.

At press time, the accused was overheard saying, “I can definitely go over your guys’ parts at the end and correct any errors,” expertly pretending that proofreading is real work.

checked SIS, he found that he had been removed from all of his classes and could not add any new ones.

When pressed about this odd occurrence, President Barbara ‘Babs’ Snyder explained that Haverford wasn’t meeting his daily quota for thinking beyond the possible.

“Upon further inspection by my team of mind-scanners, we found that Mr. Haverford was simply lacking compared to every other person on campus,” she said. “There have been squirrels on campus with more imagination than Mr. Haverford. In fact, we recently had one graduate...”

Snyder began murmuring incoherently about squirrels, before returning to her point. “After we did our research, we found that Mr. Haverford had been having issues since his freshman year. On Feb. 2, 2014, Mr. Haverford wanted to put a load of laundry into the washer, but someone was late to switch over their own clothes. While others facing the same situation thought beyond the possible, took the person’s

wet laundry out of the wash, placed it into the trash bin and threw the bin out the window, Mr. Haverford decided instead to think within the possible and simply wait until the owner came back. When he forgot to study for a quiz, Mr. Haverford decided to just accept his low grade on the assessment rather than trying to find an overly complex way to get out of taking the quiz. He could have at least attempted to forge a new identity or something.”

As of now, there has been no further action on the part of Snyder towards Haverford, and he is still suspended indefinitely.

“Until Mr. Haverford can begin to think beyond the possible, he has no chance of returning to CWRU,” Snyder said.

In an era where people are encouraged not only to think inside the box, but to force the box inwards upon themselves, it’s amazing to see a school forcing its students to relentlessly think outside of the box.

The Death of Journalism: The Athenian separates the myths from the facts regarding the “death of journalism.”

Tejas Joshi

Myth Most Americans are not willing to pay for print content due to the availability of free online news.

Experienced reporters are being replaced by machine algorithms.

Increased polarization of the press increases bias among journalists.

The short attention span of millennials is to blame for the replacement of serious reporting with clickbait and fluff pieces.

The purchases of news conglomerates by wealthy individuals, such as Sheldon Adelson’s purchase of The Las Vegas Review-Journal, risks putting private interests above the public good.

Fact Most Americans are not willing to pay for print content due to the availability of Candy Crush Soda Saga.

Experienced reporters are being replaced by cheap, undocumented immigrant labor.

Polar bears don’t exist in the Northern Hemisphere.

The only news we really need is the timeless wisdom of God. You have to actually read the paper to be exposed to media bias.

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CWRU Historical Timeline Daniel Mottern

~30000BC: Birth of Barbara Snyder: Historians disagree on her exact date of birth, but most tend to agree that her existence predates written history and that she transcends time itself.

44 BC: Aliens bring concept of “Engineering” to Earth: Aliens landed in what is now known as Cleveland to discuss with its inhabitants the concept of engineering design.

1826: Western Reserve College founded, streak of disappointment begins: In this year, Western Reserve University was founded in Hudson, OH. Not even 24 hours after its founding, students already began to be incredibly disappointed in the school, a tradition which has been kept to this very day.

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1967: Case Western Reserve Union forms: After a large amount of fanfiction from Ohio natives, Western Reserve College and Case Institute of Technology finally tied the knot.

Students are eternally disappointed.

2007: Students discover that CWRU actually has humanities: This came as a shock for most students at CWRU, but there are departments other than engineering. Humanities students are slightly less disappointed.

Right Now: Students are drunk and disappointed: Well, it’s the truth.

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Einstein’s Least Known Theories: From the Ridiculous to the Uncomfortably Accurate Stephen Kerby We’ve all heard of Einstein’s famous Annus Mirabilis papers, in which he brilliantly revolutionized physics in a single year of work. In 1905, he formulated theories of the photoelectric effect, special relativity, mass-energy equivalence and one more that everyone always forgets. We here at Case Western Reserve University can thank him for the joy that is modern physics, and scientists around the world revere him for solving in one year what would take everyone else a few decades to get sorted out.

But the world’s most famous scientist and runner-up for the “Best Hair 1905” award (winner: J. Stalin) didn’t stop there. He went on to formulate general relativity, lay the groundwork for modern cosmology and attempt to unify quantum mechanics and relativity into a “theory of everything.” However not all of his theories made it into the public eye. For the first time, here are a collection of Einstein’s lesser-known theories and thought experiments that will astound your favorite physics professor.

Coffee-Matter Equivalence: Most matter has an equivalent energy of E=mc2, as everyone and their dog 10

can tell you. After chugging an entire pot of coffee one morning on a dare from Niels Bohr, Einstein calculated that coffee has twice the energy of an equivalent amount of “boring food,” such as bagels, giving Ecoffee=2mcoffeec2.

Relativity of Waves in Concert Halls: Einstein was a talented violinist and frequently attended concerts in major halls. It was during a cello concerto that Einstein wrote a theorem suggesting that cello sound waves cause listeners to experience the passage of time at over half the speed of isolated observers, noting, “I feel like he’s been playing for an hour. What? Only seven minutes?

Dammit!”

Bose-Einstein Condensate Theory Applied to Poofy Hair: After his hair became an international media sensation, Einstein applied Bose-Einstein statistics to his hair to determine that, “As hair like mine becomes cooler and cooler, it condenses into a high-flow, very smooth fluid, like this….” proceeding to flick his hair suavely about.

The Nature of Waves: While at a particularly boring soccer match in Bern, Einstein observed the crowd “doing the wave.” Einstein quipped,

Paulina Martz “We might be in the same reference frame, but those spectators are so energetic I suppose they’re watching a game twice as fast as the one I am.” None of his friends got the joke.

Wormholes in Residential Buildings: While visiting his motherin-law, Einstein wrote a famous proof showing how the presence of a mother-in-law is not enough to cause stable wormholes to appear “so I can get the hell out of here.”

Two mothers-in-law were required, but “this is in violation of the Geneva Conventions.”

Cosmologic Constant: Einstein was convinced that the Big Bang was completely impossible and that the universe had existed in about its present state for a much longer duration than current theories suggest. He inserted a “Cosmologic Constant” into his theories to keep the universe from contracting back upon itself, a decision he later termed “my biggest blunder” as evidence for an expanding universe piled up. Turns out that he was right, but the cosmologic constant applies an accelerating character, not contracting, as he had inferred.

Whoops!

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Five Words that Only Millennials Know: Valuable knowledge Everyone Else is Missing Alaina Lisanti Things may seem bleak with temperatures at an all-time high and politics at an all-time low, but look on the bright side: if you were born between 1980 and 2000, you’re likely to have knowledge of these five important words.

Kale (noun): A green, leafy vegetable. Did anyone even eat kale before 2010? We didn’t think so either. We dare you to watch Food Network for two hours, or read the latest issue of Cooking Light, and see if kale doesn’t pop up at least once. It certainly will, and only millennials know.

Example: “Fribley’s serving kale again. Trying to be hip, I see.”

Tubular (adj.): This is how classy, cultured millennials describe something that’s too cool to describe in any other terms. “Tubular” is one of those words that has likely been forgotten by anyone who grew up using it in the 1980s, but it’s making a resurgence in the speech of millennials. Now’s your chance to reclaim it.

Example: “Those jorts are so tubular, man.”

Polio (noun): So, you thought polio was a thing of the past, eh?

Well, you’ve got anti-vaxxers to thank for this one making an appearance on this list. Polio is a debilitating illness that ill-informed parents are willing to let their kids contract because, obviously, getting your kid vaccinated is too dangerous.

Example: “If I contracted polio, would I be allowed to skip gym class?”

Debt (noun): It requires no explanation. You know it. You don’t love it. It’s a fact of every millennial’s life—thank you to previous generations for this one. Basically, it’s the money that you owe that’ll cling to you like a barnacle for years.

Example: “Aw man, I’m in so much debt I can’t even afford to shop at Constantino’s anymore.”

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Dear Loading Bar, I am just not sure that what you are doing is right for the world anymore. Your intentions seem pure. It really does look like you are trying to help.

For as long as people have been completing tasks we have wondered how long tasks are going to take. From your humble beginnings in scheduling charts to your near-ubiquitous use in all forms of digital communication, you have been attempting to help us all answer the question: Exactly how much time is remaining?

When you first invaded everyone’s lives it was because you seemingly made everything better. People seemed happier to know that something was happening. I think that is no longer the case.

Sometimes I am just going about my day and everything is hunky-dory when out of nowhere you show up and—with all of your suspiciously excited behavior—attempt to tell me just how long the next thing will take. You don’t even ask me if I want to wait that long, but what’s worse is that you lie to me about how long it will take. Sometimes you tell me it will takes months or even years and then out of nowhere everything is finished. Other times you confidently report that I should not, in fact, get up and get the fourth cup of coffee, and I sit there for 10 minutes before you even budge an inch.

The worst part is how clingy you are.

Every time I think I can just walk away and come back later and you’ll be done messing around. But no. You insist on never moving unless I am sitting there.

Haven’t you ever heard a watched pot never boils? You’re supposed to be better when I’m not looking.

Sure, sometimes you clean up nice with all your skins, patterns and fancy animations, but it is all just dressing on a bed of lies. I humbly request that you stop with all the illusions. If you’re not sure just say so. None of this increasing estimated time remaining nonsense. Just give me the worst case scenario.

Estimated length of letter remaining: Nine words.

See, how hard was that?

Sincerely, Impatient Internet User

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Global warming (noun): The natural warming of the earth sped up by the greenhouse gases humans produce with their cars, houses, farms, power plants and nearly everything we use to power our lives.

Millennials recognize the seriousness of this phenomenon and have turned to biking everywhere. However it’s possible the bike-riding is actually because they’re unable to afford cars.

Example: “Global warming is slowly melting the Antarctic Peninsula, so the penguins that live there may have to relocate to Greenland.”

An Open Letter to the Loading Bar

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Man Not Sure if Argument Salvageable, but Determined to Try Anyway Evelyn Turner, Part-time Court Reporter Area man David Blake began his day the normal way: woke up; brushed his teeth, his hair and his cat; and proceeded to an early breakfast. Arriving at Peet’s Coffee, he ordered an espresso to go.

A portly, middle-aged gentleman stood in front of him. He looked slightly exhausted, but Blake began to engage the man in conversation anyway during the wait. The conversation began pleasantly; they discussed cars, cards, carts and politics. However, things took a turn when Blake asked, “Remind me, when is election day?”

The man responded, “Nov. 8, like it is every election.”

Blake, thinking that was strange, replied, “That can’t be right. The Constitution was ratified in June. So why would election day be in November?”

The man studied Blake closely and after a brief moment responded, “I don’t think those two things are related.”

Blake braced himself to counter. He had won precisely seven arguments in his life and wasn’t about to lose this one.

“You’re wrong. I’ve never voted in November in my entire life.”

The gentleman appeared uneasy.

Blake knew he was winning. Then, the man pulled out his phone, and after some swift typing, said, “Look, Nov. 8.”

Blake mentally reasoned, “That doesn’t prove anything,” hoping to salvage his collapsing argument. Now desperate, he pulled out his own mobile device and, after some less-than-swift typing, saw the ill-fated words on his screen: “Tuesday, November 8.” Partially unsure of how to proceed, Blake took a calculated gamble.

“A world consisting of people whose opinions remain unchallenged is a sad one, ergo, I must play Devil’s advocate,” said Blake.

The man looked beyond puzzled.

He probably didn’t know what “ergo” meant. Idiot. Blake was on fire.

Insightfully, Blake added, “To be November or not to be November, that is the true question, is it not?”

Erin Hartmann

The man responded as he grabbed his danish, “Look, it doesn’t really matter. I have to get going.”

Tight for time as he picked up his own drink, Blake attempted, “But November rhymes with December, and without December, we wouldn’t have Christmas.

Are you saying that God doesn’t exist?”

His adversary swiftly countered, “Don’t you have somewhere to be?”

Blake remembered a kicker that had helped him in a previous argument. “If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is there to hear it, did it make a sound? Similarly, if there is no God, is there even an election day?”

Proud of his retort, Blake waited for the man to crumble. But, to his surprise, the man turned and began to walk away.

Over his shoulder, he called out, “That was a logical fallacy.”

Embittered, David knew he had been defeated. In a final hasty attempt, he blurted, “Your mom is a logical fallacy!”

And with that, our hero fell, and dropped his coffee all over himself.

Using Five Extra Minutes Effectively Daniel Kessler We have just received word from Case Western Reserve University administration regarding changes in class schedules. We now have a 15 minute block between consecutive classes, a 50 percent increase. This generous gift opens up a plethora of activities after a healthy dose of Reddit browsing in Strosacker. No longer shall our shenanigans stay limited to 10 minutes before we shamble to the next class. Fortunately, I’ve run the numbers and selected the best options for inter-lesson debauchery.

A personal favorite, the additional five minutes can add much depth to mini-protests against administrative conspiracies on the quad. Everyone needs to know how the meal plan policy is an extortion tactic the school uses to secretly fund wars in developing nations. These pro14

tests have the added benefit of protection from the First Amendment, so if a professor complains when you still show up to class five minutes late, they can and will face legal consequences.

For those who suffer from social anxiety or refuse to see the truth, you can find a nice nook on the quad and create some original self-deprecating memes as a silent call for help. Nine out of every 10 CWRU students have spent an extended period of time in a crippling existential crisis according to my poll, myself included. The knowledge that even a single person perused my meme and chuckled silently on the inside fills me with determination to go to my next class.

Critics of this change argue that the extended period could force social inter-

Top Five Revealed: Ways to Walmart’s Secret Menu Slow Down Time

action, as some students love to let their inner socialite blossom between classes.

A few may try to chat about the athletic clubs that call Cleveland their host.

These chatty individuals may ask for your opinion on the team’s performance and nod as if listening, and then regurgitate some fascinating statistics they read online. The preferred solution for escaping these awkward situations is to pretend to get hit by the HealthLine.

Regardless of how you spend your time between classes, rest assured that just like last year, the only people who get to class early are those Eager Evans and Punctual Patricks. These are the students who need the front seat to gain the professor’s favor. Don’t be an Eager Evan; show up to class five minutes late like everyone else.

Paul Palumbo As a college campus, CWRU is capable of performing all kinds of temporal mischief. Obviously time flies when you’re having fun, but what are some ways to make Cronos take it nice and slow?

1. Horrible Classes– The easiest way to slow time is to find a class that you absolutely cannot stand. We’ve all been there, in some class required for our major, where the minutes feel like years and the drying paint provides more engagement than Professor Reads-Slides-Aloud.

Bonus points if it’s not even a required class, but one that your stupid friend convinced you to take with them.

2. Dining Hall Lines– The worst kind of waiting is waiting to get food. Not only does the person in front of you desperately need a hot dog, a hamburger and individually selected fries, but you can see the food you want to eat through the glass.

3. Slow Internet– The length of the loading bar is directly correlated to how slowly time is moving. At 99 percent, it’s possible to see a hummingbird’s wings.

Just be ready for the whiplash when it hits 100 percent and time abruptly shifts back to normal.

4. The Next Episode of Your Favorite Show– The last one ended on a cliffhanger! Weeks aren’t supposed to be this long; I swear there’s been at least 17 days already. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT! 5. Time Distortion Unit– Given how many engineers there are at CWRU, this one almost seemed too obvious to mention. Still, for all you economics majors or whatever, a Time Distortion Unit provides the most precise way to warp time to an exact speed of your liking, but there’s a lot of science/magic involved.

Ask your professor about it. Heck, maybe you’ll get some extra credit, too.

People either go to Walmart to get everyday items at low prices or to see people your mom tells you to stay away from. However a company representative has recently let slip that the company, despite its lackluster and less than impressive display of items on the shelves upstairs, has a secretive array of high-end products on the floor below. After extensive background checks, one of our Athenian reps was given the privilege of seeing the lower level for the upper class.

The most notable products from this list include: Accessory/Clothing Department: Fendi leather handbags: A wide range of styles and colors are available for both men and women. “To my dismay,” the rep says, “they’re real and not fakes.”

Revamped Mom Jeans: While the typical mom jeans come in the standard denim material, Walmart carries them made out of wool, silk, cloth, papier-mâché, cardboard and leather.

Diamond Studded Diapers: Give your baby some bling bling to distract from their boom boom. These diapers are guaranteed to make your baby more popular than you.

Food and Home Necessities: Scented Toilet Paper: They may have the fancy four-ply toilet paper with the creative patterns on it upstairs, but downstairs lies the innovative scented toilet paper, eliminating the need for Febreze. Scents come in apple, vanilla, Hawaiian breeze and, of course, pumpkin spice.

Produce without bruises: Downstairs, blighted fruit is inconceivable.

All produce is hand selected from the producers and the unsuitable remains are sent upstairs.

Exclusives: Drones: Ever wanted to spy on the creepy neighbor who spied on you first? Now you can! There are three drone models to choose from, starting at a mere $1,899.00.

2017 Bentley Bentayga: This all new luxury SUV will easily accommodate your family of humans or cats.

Purebred dogs: You may have heard barking noises in the store occasionally, and it’s not, in fact, always coming from the employees. It turns out that Walmart sells purebred Tibetan Mastiffs, English Bulldogs and Cavalier King Charles Spaniels, some of the most expensive breeds one can purchase.

Additional Information: When asked how someone gains access to this exclusive bunch, our rep tells us, “The folks who have purchased one of the purebred dogs gain access to the lower floor, provided they bring their pooch with them. The entrance is around the back near the loading docks, where an elevator takes shoppers down to their level.”

The rep refused to reveal how shoppers might obtain a pup to begin with and stated that sharing this information “would be in violation of his contract.”

Our rep also reported that revamped dad jeans will soon be brought back due to popular demand.

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