Issue 91

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Letter from the Editor It was a typical day in Cleveland, and The Athenian editorial staff were locked out of our beloved office in the basement of Thwing. The staff brainstormed to find a solution.

“Could we break through the glass?” asked Michael.

“No!” cried Paul, probably still somewhat traumatized from the accident in the Tinkham Veale University Center.

“Maybe we should just cancel the magazine?” suggested Mahima, way too cheerfully.

After each of our nine staff members called out similarly comical and impractical suggestions, we eventually settled on moving to Mather Quad to decide on the new theme for our issue. Thus, we all loaded Pokémon Go, caught the nearby Weedle and began the journey.

Days passed, but we eventually arrived at the center of the humanities. Yet all was not as we expected.

A barbed fence had risen up around the quad. We circled the enclosure to hunt for an entrance without success, but I spotted a flyer plastered on a wall nearby.

“Students, staff and administrators of Mather voted Tuesday to leave CWRU in the ‘Mexit’ referendum,” I read. “Outsider access will be barred until a favorable trade agreement can be negotiated.”

As visiting Mather was Michael’s idea, the rest of the staff unanimously impeached him. A quick discussion and vote followed, and we decided to continue on to the main Quad.

Though the journey was long, our staff pressed on. We finally arrived at the binary walkway (except for 2

Aquene who was unexpectedly swept away in a deluge of prospective students). However, a new barrier rose in front of us. A line of caution tape and unfamiliar police officers stood blocking the path into the quad.

After verifying that no one in our remaining group was a minority, we approached one of the uniformed peace officers to ask what was going on. She explained that the entire quad was being used for training exercises.

A muffled sound of static suddenly came through her earpiece. Without explanation, she sprinted away, hand on her Taser, to join several officers surrounding Anastazia, who had been carefully placing “Actual Size” stickers on the campus art sculptures.

In unison, our staff looked at each other, turned and walked away.

As we passed through Little Italy, we were running low on ideas.

“Is there anywhere else we could work?” I asked.

“What about Tinkham Veale?” asked Letty.

“No!” screeched Paul.

“The attrition rate among our staff is quite high” added Sarah, unhelpfully.

Suddenly overcome with despair, we sunk to the ground. It seemed that we would never be able to find a place to plan our next issue’s theme.

Just then, we heard a faint “Hello?” call out from the distance. Our eyes straining, we gradually made out the sight of our savior. A small, lanyard-swinging, map-clutching presence emerged.

“Can you help me find Veale?” she asked.

“Which one? The building or the

food?” replied JP mysteriously.

Instantly, inspiration stuck all the remaining staff members, except David who was struck instead by a Greenie. Like that lost freshman, we had become outsiders in our own campus. Over the long Uber ride back, we compiled ideas and topics for the Outsider issue, which now lies in front of you.

At the start of this issue, we decided to welcome everyone, outsider or not, to our campus and its most stunning feature, this sterling publication gracing your retinas at this very moment. The Athenian is a month-

ly magazine that anyone can write, draw or design for. In addition to our print issue, we hold open brainstorming meetings once a year, produce a humorous news program, cry ironically, host a gorgeous website, organize pranks, roam aimlessly and rearrange The Observer’s furniture.

Our next meeting will take place Wednesday August 31, 4:00 p.m. in our office (the basement of Thwing).

Until then, welcome to CWRU, and make sure to post all over the freshman Facebook page. I hear people love that.

Tejas Joshi, Editor in chief

The Athenian is a magazine produced by CWRU students; CWRU is not responsible for its contents; Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Athenian is not to be held responsible for any damages, death or injury, whether based on alleged breach of contract, tortious behavior, negligence, or any other cause of action, in the case that the physical magazine becomes animated and attempts a coup.

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Contributors Barnabas Brennan Jessica Chalas Steve Kerby Alaina Lisanti Daniel Mottern Executives Tejas Joshi Aquene Kimmel David Pendergast Jenny Zhao Letty Dornfeld Rohan Krisna Michael Codega Kushagra Gupta JP O’Hagan Anastazia Vanisko Mahima Devarajan Sarah Whelan

Join the Athenian today! Email athenian@case.edu.

Follow the Red Brick Road

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New Legislation: Definition of “mass shooting” changed so there are fewer mass shootings Ann Cutlery

Contradicting the popular sentiment that Congress has done nothing to amend firearm policy in response to recent mass shootings, a political action has been taken utilizing a novel semantic approach to the problem.

In the last year, both Democrats and Republicans proposed four bills regulating gun ownership or purchase. All four failed, because much like telephone usage in rural areas, the gun debate tends to fall along party lines.

Luckily this new bill, likely due to its logical nature, has made it to the president’s desk.

The new bill proposes to change the definition of the phrase “mass shooting.” It passed through Congress earlier in the week in response to the veto of the bill that defined “mass shooting” as 15 people or more, as the number of national mass shootings was still too high.

The new definition of “mass shootings” under this bill will be “some4

thing that happens not very often but as often as statistics says it should so it is believable.” Unsurprisingly the number of mass shootings on US soil is expected to decrease to its lowest levels since the Civil War. While there have been critics of the bill, Congress-sympathizers say that members of the House and Senate are clearly well-educated and intelligent people since they possess the intellectual confidence to propose novel ideas like this.

At this time, this bill and the previously mentioned vetoed bill are the only pieces of gun legislation to pass through America’s divided Congress.

This is a clear sign that a practical action-based approach to the problem (rather than the semantic approach) is a blithering waste of time.

Among the list of proposed legislation Congress has in store, their next step appears to be to figure out a new definition for the word “president.”

Local woman equally uncomfortable in boardroom, home Jessica Chalas At first it would seem that Sheila Reyes, a mother and a businesswoman, embodies her dual role to a T. She exudes the inner qualities of a go-getter and an executive not afraid to take on some testosterone, yet she appears as caring and compassionate as any stay-at-home mom and even finds time to make home-cooked meals.

But according to twelve-year-old son Jimmy, mealtime itself is a testament to Sheila’s difficulty distinguishing her roles between home, work and beyond.

“Well, she sits at the head of the table and never fails to distribute handouts of possible discussion topics,” Jimmy admits. “We get ‘dinner minutes’ too, on email accounts she set up for us on our fourth birthdays.”

Five-year-old Susie chimes in with, “Mine is reyes.susie@mommashouse.org!”

Sheila’s husband, who requests to remain anonymous* to avoid divorce, hesitantly shares that even in the bedroom, Sheila likes to “take the lead” and use “complicated lawyer-y talk.”

Unsurprisingly the dichotomy between the ways Reyes presents herself resonates within the workplace as well.

“Mrs. Reyes orders vegetable platters for every meeting, and God knows what will happen if you don’t at least try the broccoli,” one of Sheila’s employees recalls. He wishes to remain anonymous for fear of losing his job.

We touched base with Sheila to see what she had to say.

“It’s infuriating,” Sheila says. “I can see my inferiors are only interested in making me a better boss, and that just touches my heart. But when I get ahold of them tomorrow morning I am going to lay down the law. I’ve worked hard to become the best leader I can be, and my workers, they’re good boys and girls, they really are.

But they still need to grow, expand their mind, and how are they supposed to do that? By eating their veggies!”

Confused at how Reyes knew of the above employee’s statement regarding the vegetables, our team at the Athenian did some research and discovered that Reyes had learned of the interview with aforementioned [and we regret to admit now former] employee from a secretary. The secretary defended oneself that, “Mrs. Reyes offered me dessert if I ate the celery and told her about the interview! How could I refuse?”

Reyes is currently seeking therapy to help bring balance to her life, but so far has not found the right fit due to an “inability to let down her guard and become vulnerable.” Should any local therapist wish to work with Reyes, she requests contact at reyes. sheila@mommashouse.org. *Athenian editors were not sure how to go about this anonymity, but would like suggestions for the future should we hear of a divorce.

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Are You an Outsider?

A Fun, Informative Quiz Alaina Lisanti

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c. It’s not really my style. I tried it but I’m not hooked. d. Pokemon go WHERE??? Haven’t seen one since the ‘90s.

7. Which BuzzFeed quiz would you most like to take? a. Which Pokémon Go Team Is Right for You? b. What Your Pizza Order Says About You c. Which Grunge Band Are You? d. To be honest, taking BuzzFeed quizzes is useless and a waste of time.

8. What’s your dream job? a. Doctor b. Engineer c. Author d. Hermit Scoring: Give yourself 3 points for every A, 2 points for every B, 1 point for every A, and 0 points for every D. 18-24 Points: Mr./Mrs. Cool Wow, you’re actually the insider.

Dang. Cooler than Babs’ pantsuits.

12-17 Points: Pretty Fly You’re in the “in crowd” sometimes.

6-11 Points: A Bit Out of It You’re not the most “in”, but you’re into some mainstream stuff.

1-5 Points: Outsider Congrats! You’re an outsider! You don’t need no one else.

0 Points: Ultimate Outsider Are you even real, dude?

1. Who do you identify with most in the Kanye-Kim-Taylor feud? a. Kanye, because he’s the O.G. Rap God! b. Kim Kardashian: She’s the queen! c. Taylor Swift: I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative. d. Wait, what’s even going on here?!

2. Which country would you most like to visit? a. Japan b. France c. Mexico d. Switzerland 3. Which presidential candidate do you most identify with? a. Hillary Clinton b. Donald Trump c. Jill Stein d. Gary Johnson 4. What was your reaction to the Cavs winning the Championship? a. YAAAAAS! GO CAVS! CLEVELAND ROCKS! YAY BASKETBALL! b. I’m really proud of them and the city. c. Ehh, I’m not that big a sports fan but I’m pretty glad. d. I’m only in it for the free Mitchell’s ice cream.

5. What was your favorite summer movie? a. “Captain America: Civil War” b. “Finding Dory” c. “Star Trek Beyond” d. “The Angry Birds Movie” 6. How do you feel about Pokémon Go? a. I love it! Gotta catch ‘em all! Best thing since sliced bread! b. It’s fun. I like using it as a distraction from work or school.

Leaked Wells Fargo memo indicates desire to break up progressive politics Harald Gormsson

Illustration Provided By Barnabas Brennan

Valued Employees, I write to you all with a call to action, a battle cry of sorts.

Progressive politics cannot continue to be an island in a sea of Conservative politics, gambling millions of votes, while expecting the public not to vote for Clinton.

The two largest progressive candidates cumulatively received Democratic presidential nominations from 50 US states during the primaries. We cannot allow both Democratic politicians to collude for votes, all but ensuring financial regulation. We need to go back to the Good Ol’ Days of Bush when there were politicians across party lines who we could count on to ignore our destructive behavior. No longer can we pay Clinton to support us while Bernie and his supporters pressure her to ignore our checks.

We must break up Too-Big-To-Lose Progressive Candidates. Our progressives must instead be part of the productive, money-making economy that serves to help Wall Street instead of just their constituents. Clinton received countless dollars in a bailout of her campaign’s war chest. Despite that, she continued to grow

in popularity, only to join with Bernie and risk the entire financial market.

Our freedom of buying speech is being threatened by Bernie Sanders and his push not only for financial regulation, but also for campaign reform. The Democrats must eliminate their internal conflicts of interest and provide more favorable oversight to ensure that the campaign industry works for the most important few, not everybody.

The Democratic Party, an entity which serves as an engine of the liberal agenda, must instead choose to serve and regulate the investors and banks in a way that works for Wall Street, not just the citizens. If enough American voters trust them with their nation’s presidency, we risk ending up with a progressive president who does not respect their job as part of Wall Street’s operation.

We need to formulate a plan to prevent a continued decline in our relevance. It is of chief importance that we follow the example set forth by the real estate industry and offer our own candidate for the next election, to ensure our proper place in politics.

Your Chief Executive Officer, John Gregory Strumpf 7

Pokémon is for Outsiders Sabanrab Bocaj Nothing has swept the Case Western Reserve University campus in such a storm (apart from 1,500 riot police walking to Chipotle) as Pokémon Go. And that was just during the summer session. It’s like the entire student population was actually inspired by the Carpe Summer mascot to go out and catch Magikarp. Somehow, a community of students who spend their time working on circuits labs, SOLIDWORKS and League of Legends are now wandering about the open world like socially adept human beings.

Clearly, Pokémon is for outsiders.

Literally. People are going outside again. Given, CWRU students are pretty active; I ran into a group slack-lining over by Wade Lagoon, and by Jove, have you seen HvZ? (Well, not this spring.) Point is, CWRU people get out, they do things together and they can get creative.

But now the campus itself has become an activity.

It’s not limited to campus, either.

Students at home or on co-op over the summer have run into everyone from children to engineers making time and excuses to get out of the four-walls-ceiling-and-floor to explore the wonder of the world around us. A fountain on the corner of the business park is now a destination.

The Ugly Statue is actually useful.

The Cleveland Metroparks are a treasure trove of adventure. People are going outside with a new fervor, a drive to discover, an ambition to find and evolve and strategize.

I mentioned before the degenerate, 8

dank dorm-dwellers? Gross, that’s the kind of language used to belittle the other outsiders of society. Yet somehow, even the people called nerds and weirdos are now included in Going Places with others. It seems the trending app is more than a fad; it’s a gateway to positive social interaction and physical well-being. People with mental illnesses or who are bound to the hospital have something to strengthen their confidence and independence.

Video game players and lazy bones are out stretching their crusty limbs and getting a break from CWRU’s incessant workloads. Vampires are trying out new brands of high-strength sunscreen. The outsider is becoming a whole different kind of outsider.

Perhaps people are not just searching for digital 90s nostalgia. Perhaps we as a community are beginning to notice the places around us, the outsiders among us, the joy of childhood that has been so delicately locked away by the pressure to “grow up,” looming student loans, politics and frivolous media. There is a chance to pay attention to details and individual needs of the community and students, the way the CWRU administration didn’t when they made that deal with the City of Cleveland for the RNC. There is so much potential. Potential to get hurt, as walking alone at night or playing while driving have caused, and also potential to troll people running around after a Charizard, sure, but also potential to realize that we are all outsiders. Doing things together is safer and more fulfilling. Pokémon is for everyone.

Man Confuses Real Life, Hit Broadway Musical “Hamilton” Daniel Mottern From the beginning of its time on Broadway, “Hamilton” has captivated audiences and taught us that history can be interesting, so long as it’s interspersed with haunting melodies and dance breaks.

Some people have found that “Hamilton” can help teach us about modern-day America as well.

A coworker told Québec native Bruce Virgil about “Hamilton” two weeks prior to his first visit to New York City.

“It was too late to buy tickets,” stated Virgil in an interview during his time in New York, “but I found the music on iTunes and bought it immediately.” His favorite part was how the show provided a vivid portrayal of American life.

“From what I’ve learned, rap is the main mode of communication in America,” said Virgil. “Have friends over? Sing out a four part harmony, with Lin-Manuel Miranda rapping. Get in a heated argument? Start a

rap battle, and invite Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Cheat on your wife and then publish an article in the local newspaper about it? I think you know what the answer is.

Virgil told us about his plans for an extended stay in America. “Originally, I was planning to stay in New York for a few days,” he said, “but now I want to go see all of what “Hamilton”’s score has to offer.” Immediately after our interview, Virgil left for Weehawken to protest New Jersey’s apparent lawlessness under Chris Christie. Before he ran off into the smogfilled sunset of Newark, New Jersey, we asked about his steps for the future.

“I think I’ll be trying this again,” said Virgil. “I have a business trip to Oklahoma soon, and I was told that there was a musical that could help me fit in while I’m there. I’ll be looking into ‘Chess: The Musical’ for my vacation to Russia in the winter, as well.”

Fake Ad by Letty Dornfeld

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The Case Western Reserve Newcomer’s Glossary Letty Dornfeld Case WiFi A strange, Sasquatch-like creature that you might see during the night. Grainy photos of it circulate throughout social media, but no other evidence has been found of it.

Little Italy A photography student’s wet dream. It has restaurants that you’ll want to be in but can’t afford and apartments that you can afford but don’t want to be in.

Club KSL The only non-carding club and bar on campus that is open all night. Club KSL’s loud dubstep music echoes across a five-mile radius, especially during finals.

The Elephant Stairs The wooden stairs that go up the hill on South Side. They’re like the stairs that go up an Aztec temple. True, they’re nowhere near as steep, but you are given as an offering to the gods after you die from exhaustion on your way up.

Mitchell’s On-campus emergency recovery center for bad grades and bad breakups.

Officer Tolliver The crossing guardian angel who brings a smile to everyone’s face each day and even leaves out sweet treats on the corner of Euclid and Adelbert on exam days. Love him or hate him, you’ll get to hear him yell, “Happy ___day!” for the next four years of your college career.

The Morley Building The vine-covered building between Rockefeller and Millis that was built in 1910 and evacuated in the 1980s after a massive mercury spill in one of the labs.This asbestos-ridden building is an excellent way to test the theory that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

The Weather Machine Babs’ secret project with the School of Engineering that she keeps in the Morley Building with her Babsmobile. Her most successful trial run with it was during the Class of 2016 graduation ceremony when hail and snow fell from the sky in May. University Hospitals (UH) The source of the ambulances that will make sure you never sleep again.

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The Tink The $50 million climate-controlled hallway that keeps students on their way to class cool in the summer and warm in the winter. Most of its walls are made from transparent glass, much to the chagrin of the LGBT Center and the Cleveland Fire Department.

The Ugly Statue David Davis’ attempt at being deep and profound through contemporary art. It sits between Raymond and Sherman on North Side, mirroring the pretentiousness of the students who walk around it.

Top 10 places that are the friendliest to outsiders Jolly Saperstein Running out of places to hang out? Tired of seeing the same old faces? Try any of these places and I promise you’ll be having a great time in 10 minutes or less.

12. An Art Museum Grab a beret, a box of wine and some big words, and you’ll fit right in.

11. Browns Stadium Best emotional support group in Cleveland. There’s always a shoulder to cry on.

10. Your Mom’s Basement Pay rent or gtfo.

9. North Korea Okay, now imagine your mom’s house. Then replace the house with a shack, the meals with a grain of rice, the backyard with a prison camp and your mom with Kim Jong Un. 8. Flint, Michigan I hear all of the corn is pretty friendly. Plus, its location along the Flint river provides easy access to the city water, which is known for its distinct flavor.

7. Skid Row The homeless person’s Rodeo Drive.

6. Calabasas, CA Chill with the most influential innovators of our time—Kim K and Kylie J—while grabbing a Venti frap and a Louis V. Totes fun.

5. Russia If Snowden can hang with Putin over there, why can’t you?

4. Arkansas You get a flag! You get a flag! We all get Confederate flags!!

3. The Eiffel Tower Insider tip: Shout at locals in English. They think it’s hot.

2. The United Kingdom Fake the accent, and discuss your obsession with America with devout patriotism.

1. The U.S.–Mexico Border Nothing brings back that cozy feeling better than setting eyes on a tall barbed wire fence that runs for miles. Pull up a lawn chair.

You’ll have a blast.

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CWRU excited to host GOP convention riots

By Steve Kerby, Map Provided By Letty Dornfeld In preparation for the upcoming GOP convention, the Case Western Reserve University administration has recently taken steps to ensure that an institution of CWRU’s stature gathers its deserving national attention by making the campus an attractive locale for protests and riots. A few weeks after releasing details about the living accommodations for visiting law enforcement officers and the contact information of resident experts, The Daily linked readers to two newsletters, one to the CWRU community and another to the rioter community, detailing the procedures in place to help gain national media attention in the coming weeks.

In the bulletin to CWRU students, faculty and staff, the administration laid out steps for a positive riot bystander experience. Suggestions included classes being moved off-campus and policies ensuring a minimized presence of the CWRU community to inhibit any riots that might spring up on campus.

“I mean, we want CWRU to be in the news, but we also want to keep any injuries or arrests of CWRU members to a minimum,” noted an administrator, on condition of anonymity. “Students should move just far enough off-campus so that, if a riot starts, they can be close enough to run across the field of view of television cameras a few times.”

Though the controversy regarding the law enforcement officers garrisoned in CWRU residential buildings has bubbled disconcertingly over the past few weeks, several Daily bulletins have reassured students that there is no risk in keeping several hundred armed and armored police 12

officers in a potential riot zone in the midst of racial unrest across the country. The office of President Barbara Snyder noted in several Daily bulletins to CWRU that the officers will be strictly managed and regulated by CWRU rules.

The most recent update continues, “In the interest of the safety of the CWRU community, we suggest that all students living on-campus over the summer find living space as far away from these peaceful public servants as possible.” However they “should make every effort, in the case of a riot, to be publically visible” and to “engage with the controversies and debates and arguments and riot-inducing demagoguery of the lively Convention in a safe, constructive and non-explosive manner”.

In a separate bulletin addressed to the Black Lives Matter movement, the Bernie Sanders for President Campaign, the Democratic National Committee, several anti-Trump GOP groups and many other potential rioters, the administration noted the attractiveness of the campus for riots and other disruptions. Several landmarks, including the Spitball, the Ugly Statue and the CWRU sign on Euclid Avenue, were

specifically mentioned as useful locations for photo opportunities of national interest.

“The STEM Quad near Rockefeller, with its tall, non-flammable buildings and small entrances, is the perfect locale for barricades and would make an exciting backdrop for anti-police clashes,” continued the update. “Protesters controlling the center of campus could riot against the peace officers in the North and South residential villages before returning to Michelson and Morley restaurant for high-class dining”.

Finally, the bulletin directed law en-

forcement tacticians to certain landmarks, such as Tinkham Veale University Center and the Elephant Stairs, as useful locations for strategic chokepoints because of their well-defended sides and narrow passageways. The token windmill outside of Veale was pointed out as a useful base for surveillance and “friendly and constructive safety snipers.”

Snyder could not be reached for comment as she and several other administrators departed for an armored bunker underneath Adelbert Hall via reinforced trucks.

Survey finds political science majors matter, politicians don’t care Oksinav Aizatsana Members of the political science field fall into the minority of the population that believes there’s more to politics than theatrical yelling. Tired of facing discrimination for his alleged naiveté about how the world really works, a Cleveland pollster decided to ask the question, “Do political science majors matter?”

The answer has astonished politicians and would-be presidents alike. After knocking on every door in Cleveland and asking those who answered if political science majors matter, the pollster received nothing but yeses.

Convinced that the blatant disregard for the usual standards of political decency this election season meant people were probably lying, the pollster turned to Yik Yak. There, anonymity allows people to share their darkest thoughts without regard for the consequences or the opinions of others. But even on this social media platform, responses to the question “Do political science majors matter?” were overwhelmingly positive.

Needing a third and final source before he could celebrate, the pollster drove

down to Columbus. He spoke with students at Ohio State University, community members and even political staffers.

Once again, he received mostly positive answers to his query.

Overjoyed with these results, the pollster aimed to share his findings at the Republican National Convention.

Unfortunately, delegates and politicians alike didn’t really seem to give an artless milk-livered scut about it. No one cared about the implications of his findings: that we have an accepted field of study from which to analyze the rise of an impulsive celebrity with no political knowledge, and that we can prevent America from experiencing similar situations in the future.

Every time he tried to explain this he was told, “All majors matter.”

When he tried to explain that there is an implicit “too” at the end of his question, he was immediately shut down because, according to one New York delegate, “STEM majors matter.” It remains unclear why political science majors mattering would mean that STEM majors don’t.

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CWRU Admits First Perfect Student Aquene Kimmel

Unlike most students who attend Case Western Reserve University, Perfect Student Elizabeth Park did not have to apply.

After receiving acceptances from several of the world’s top universities, Park was at home baking pies to bring to her local homeless shelter when University President Barbara Snyder knocked on her door.

“Recruiting Park to the class of 2020 was a huge priority for our Office of Admissions,” said Snyder. “There are other students, I think, but really who cares?”

While attending Phillips Academy in Andover Town, Massachusetts, Park served as president of every club at the school (including several she founded herself) and served on her local city council. She also spearheaded Andover Hospital’s upgrade to a Level 1 trauma center, according to some of her former classmates who “would have loved to maybe be president of a club at school, too, you know.”

Once at CWRU, Park plans to major in biomedical and aerospace engineering as well as economics, with minors in Arabic and Chinese, and she will be dual-enrolled with the medical school.

When she visited earlier this year, Park also spoke with some students about the clubs and organizations at CWRU. She has decided that she will begin her sophomore year as president of the Undergraduate Student Government, the Student Executive Council, and the Undergraduate Diversity Collective. She also noted that she will be very polite and never condescending to members of the Residence Hall Association.

This summer, Park arrived in Cleveland early to begin her campaign for mayor of Cleveland and to work on research with School of 14

Medicine Dean Pamela B. Davis.

“Honestly this is what we look for in a medical school applicant,” said Davis.

“We want someone who has every imaginable accomplishment, and I just don’t see why more students don’t do that.”

After her graduation, Park has a contract with NASA and the Cleveland Clinic to establish the first charity hospital for space-related illnesses on Mars.

“There’s only one thing I would break that contract for,” Park admitted.

“I co-wrote a bill with Bernie Sanders and Paul Ryan to reduce the minimum age for president to eighteen, so if that passes I’ll just go straight to that. If Congress stalls, though, I’m excited to spend a few years on Mars.”

Before Snyder arrived on her doorstep and summoned the tormented, restless spirits of Albert Michelson and Edward Morley to help convince her to attend CWRU, Park was accepted to Harvard University, Massachusetts Institute of Technology, the Sorbonne, Oxford University and the University of Tokyo.

During orientation, Park’s more ordinary peers can rest assured that, while Snyder listed numerous accomplishments achieved by CWRU’s incoming class in her welcome speech, there aren’t actually that many classmates better than them. Park was the only student Snyder mentioned.

“I’m not totally sure why Elizabeth decided to come to CWRU, but the important thing is that she’s coming here, and that makes our school look great,” said Snyder. “I would now ask that any alumni who are proud to share an alma mater with this Perfect Student please donate at least five million dollars. It’s the least you can do to ensure she doesn’t transfer.”

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