Issue 68

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the Athenian “Don’t you know there ain’t no devil, it’s just god when he’s drunk.”

- Tom Waits EMAIL: athenian@case.edu

ISSUE #68

The Goons In Charge: Advisor: Dr. Bradley Ricca Editor-In-Chief: Melanie Sayre Managing Editor: Carissa Conine Business Manager: Evan Martin

Proud member of the Case Media Board since Hundert.

With Contributions by: Jon Chan Carissa Conine Hallie Dolin Peter Heggs Donald Huston Raymond Krajci Rya Lally Evan Martin Mike McKenna Patrick Melvin Annie Nickoloff Nick Pilla Melanie Sayre Austin Sting Chase Weinman

Head of Design: Melanie Sayre Senior Editor: Hallie Dolin Distrubution Manager: Patrick Melvin Graphics Editor: Rya Lally

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If you want more, you’ll easily find us online!

Facebook: The Athenian Twitter: @CWRUAthenian Website: cwruathenian.com Front cover was staged and setup by Melanie Sayre and Austin Sting, photographed by Austin Sting. The back cover was staged by Jon Chan, Donald Huston and Melanie Sayre, photographed by Donald Huston.

Thanks to everyone for their awesome help!

CREDITS

the Athenian

[From The Editor]

Once upon a time, there was this magazine. The people that work there now aren’t really sure how things were done back then as, at that age, they didn’t have InDesign or a good PDF reader, and Word, let’s admit it, sucked (but, that’s apparently how everything was done). It was like the technology black hole and a history black hole. Up until three years ago, the inordinate length of time before that may as well be called the lost ages. That’s how well it was documented. It’s mostly assumed that the paper just appeared in the staff member’s office at random times during the semester and someone would instruct the minions to drag them onto campus to get some air (and, for some reason, thought himself fit to be called the Editor-in-Chief).

This magazine without a history is The Athenian and we, I guess, are those people that work there now.

While I appreciate history in a broad sense - people coming back from the dead, every single French disaster, Hello Kitty taking over Japan, and so on - I find that you can’t let it define you completely. You also have to let hopes and dreams in there to guide you – something about looking towards the future, as most politicians would say. But to us, that’s some lovely bullshit. You see, the problem is that we don’t really know where we’ve been and, thus, if we let it define us, we’d be like an unformed blob of complete chaos and disaster. All we know is that we were named after Athens, because Case is (and were) the Spartans. Even from the start, we know that our predecessors were trying to be obnoxiously difficult.

Now we’ve started changing. We’re online, we don’t look like complete trash, and we even have a fun page (that people debatably care for – we’re not at the point where people pick us up just to do the Sudoku puzzles in the middle of class).

With this issue, we welcome the Athenian Cat, Ath, who comes to stand with Captain Athenian as one of our notable cast members. We’re still continuing to throw money at people and, for some reason, I don’t think it’s caught on yet.

But we still have a lot to do.

Melanie Sayre - Editor-in-Chief

We don’t really have a place to call home, Dropbox is constantly full (and it’s completely my fault), and I’m pretty sure the older half of the campus still thinks of us as fire starters. I don’t blame the newer part of campus for not knowing our name – I’d get overwhelmed with all the literature that’s thrown about too. But then what else is new this month - a bad choice in the Oscars, another bad TV show, another bad joke that I probably made? That said, with those bad jokes, I doubt my editor’s notes will ever be all that funny (yeah, yeah, the editor of the humor magazine is bad with the on paper funnies) but they’ll be slightly more somber. It’ll be the one thing in this magazine that’s real, and that’s because I’m talking to you. Yes you, my dear Case students and we want to know what you want to hear. Because, let’s admit it, laughter is, after all, the best medicine.

Melanie Sayre Editor-in-Chief

We still offer a $50 dollar prize for best article, but we Next brainstorming meeting: Mar. 4th, 6 :30-8 PM now also offer a chance for everyone to win $250 dol- Next production meeting: Mar. 8th, 12:30-2PM lars for voting in our contest (see more details on page **Free Scholar provided. Email mfs71@case.edu to order.

19). We are also potentially paying by commission.

The Athenian Guidelines 1) The Athenian is a semi-anonymous publication. While names can be printed, all contributors’ names are printed on page 2, but aren’t necessarily connected to any particular article.

2) The Athenian says that you must always toast The Athenian before doing a shot.

3) The Athenian is released on the first Friday of every month. The deadline for submissions (including articles, Photoshops, and captions) for issue 69 is Tuesday, March 12th.

Congratulations to Alex Abbott for winning best submission of Issue 67!

EDITOR’S NOTE & GUIDELINES

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Drunken Advice 2013

by Ivan Tadrinknow Dear Ivan Tadrinknow, I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years now, and we’re both about to graduate. We’ve been planning on getting married after college. I like him a lot as a friend, and I’m attracted to him, but I don’t know if I love him. What should I do?

Signed, Lost in Paradise Dear Lost in Paradishe, Hey schweetheart, hows it goin now? Havin’ some trouble with shur boytoy? Well, here’sch what you gotta do. Hey bartender, another cold one! Schorry, I was talkin to schomeone elshe. So here’sh what you do. You walk schtraight up to that man a’ yours, and you schay, “Hey boyfriend man! Do you really love me? Like, if you had to schoose between me, and this beer I’m holdin’ right, whish would ya choose? Cause I’d pick shish beer! It never schleaves me disappointed, if sha know what I mean.” Hahaha! No but scheriously, Heresch what you gotta do. You gotta schop around a little bit. Figure out whatsha want from this life.

You only got one! Less you’re ona dem Hindush or a cat or schomething. But really, relationshcips are like a cashe of beer. At first scha love it, but after a while, it getsh old, ya know? But scheriously, you wanna know schomething? Life is like a bucket of schicken! It…uh, well, I’m not really schure where I wasch goin’ with that. But I do love schome chicken though! Anyschways, hope schat helpsh. And if you end up schingle, gimme a call, and I’ll help you forget all about that bro.

The Athenian does not condone any of the advice given above. We also will not say how much alcohol we paid him with.

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Dear Ivan Tadrinknow, I’ve been working in the human resources department at the same business for about 10 years now. The pay is okay, but I haven’t gotten a promotion since I started! I’ve worked hard and been loyal to the company, but I feel like my boss barely even knows who I am. Should I look for another job, or keep grinding and hope that I’ll finally get noticed?

Signed, Working and Waiting Dear Working and Waiting, You, my friend, schound like you need a beer!

And scho do I! Hahaha! Juscht kidding, I’ve already got one. Lischten buddy, here’s whatsch you need to do. You need to marsh right into that bosschman’s office, look em schtraight in the eye, and say “Hey! Mischter Boss Man! You know who I am! I’ve been buschtin’ my balls for you for th’ last ten yearsch, and what do I have to schow for it! Nosching! What do I look like, a floor mat to you?” At thisch point, schee, you’ll have right where ya want him. These big bossch men will only reschpond to a man they can reschpect. And then you schay, “Hey, Mischter Bossch Man! I want an offische! I’ve been working my assch off for ten yearsch! And I want a raische too! Asch a matter of fact, I want schyou’re job! How do you like them applesch, mischter bossch man! Ooh, look at me, I’ve a big schtrong bossch! I schit in my offische all day and tell scheeze people what to do!” You gotta schet these businessch types schtraight.

Like when my bossch said to me yeschterday, “Hey man, you’rrr drunk!” And I schaid, “Hey man, that’s none of your businnesch! Thisch is my cube, not yoursch!” Don’t go easchy on him, man. Oh, and make schure you hide your flaschk under your deschk when your boss isch behind you. They don’t scheem to like seein’ em very musch.”

SPRING BREAK

the Athenian Barbara Snyder sells CWRU to foreign investors as reported by: Nick Pilla CLEVELAND, OH – News broke early this morning of the sale of Case Western Reserve University to a group of Chinese investors.

The group, headed by billionaire Lee Shau Kee, purchased a majority stake of CWRU for a lump sum of $12,000,005.72. Kee will also reportedly make a payment of 20 lbs. of white truffles and caviar, which will be delivered directly to President Barbara Snyder’s house, each year for the next ten years.

“We were really happy to make this deal,” said Kee, speaking through a translator from his mansion in Hong Kong. “It’s a great school, and it was dirt cheap. I wash my face with soap that costs more than what we paid for CWRU. I bet my Charmin costs more.”

Kee, the second richest Chinese man in the world with a net worth of $24 billion, enjoys long walks on the beach, the Disney/Pixar Toy Story franchise, and spending money.

“I spend money like a brown bear eats salmon,” noted Kee. “I speak English, but I hired this translator just to boost the economy. I’ve never run a school before, but I welcome the opportunity to mess around with the American education system.”

“This deal is great for the university,” said Snyder, speaking from her office while getting fitted for a mink fur coat. “I always remember to keep the university in mind when making major decisions like this.”

When questioned on whether Kee had the experience to guide a major university, Snyder said, “Lee Shau Kee is fantastic. I’ve known him since last wee – hey, careful with that!” as a moving crew began taking furniture. “You know, I’d love to chat, but I’ve got to catch a plane to Mallorca.”

Kee’s early plans for change include implementing traditional Chinese cuisine at Leutner and Fribley, replacing Greenies with Rickshaws made out of pure gold, and changing CWRU’s mascot from the Spartan to the Terracotta Warrior. Expect the Chinese population on campus to continue to increase as well, as Kee plans to invest in research to build a tunnel that travels directly through the core of the earth from China to CWRU. “I plan to build a direct-access tunnel through the core of the earth to make CWRU more diverse,” said Kee. The reaction to the news of the sale by students seemed positive. One sophomore living on Southside was happy to hear that Kee was going to make changes.

“I’m looking forward to it,” said the student, who asked to remain anonymous. “I’ve always wanted to ride in a rickshaw and my diet right now consists entirely of Fribley pizza, so it’ll be nice to mix it up a little.”

SPRING BREAK

Another sophomore had similar sentiments.

“It’s pizza all day, every day over here. Also I think China would be really cool to see, so if the tunnel works both ways than that would be cool.”

“American students have never seen Lee Shau party,” Kee added, referring to himself in the third person and popping a golden champagne bottle. “The fun is just getting started.”

Kee’s group also bought Cornell, Brown, Ole Miss, Miami of Ohio, Stanford, Kent State, Boise State, Tulane, Villanova, and John Carroll. Kee has plans to rename all of the schools to fit his home country and has proposed the name Chinese Western Reserve University (CWRU) for Case.

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Is it true? Do professors drink too?

as reported by: River Tam

Gambit’s guide to picking up some tail Welcome once again, folks, to another month of Gambit’s tips and tricks. It’s like a walkthrough guide, but instead of slaying Ganon, you’re slaying something else, if you know what I mean.

Spring is right around the corner, and you all know what that means. Love is in the air. However, it’s also spring break season, which means it’s mostly just hormones in the air. Time to capitalize, ladies and gents!

First off, as with business, the most important thing is location, location, location. Here’s where you have two options. The first option is to take a lovely trip up to Canada. It’ll be snowy and freezing, so it’ll be like you never left your dorm (giving you the comfort of continuity), and you won’t even need a fake I.D. to get into the bar! Unless of course you’re one of the Case students that graduated high school at age 13, but if that’s the case, you should worry more about hitting your bedtime instead of going out and macking some cougars.

The second option is to go down to the Jersey shore or any other beach, but let’s be honest: we’re Case students, so we don’t have money, we see the sun so rarely that we can’t handle the beach, and we’d rather not keep the company of someone whose age exceeds their IQ. Oh, who am I kidding? Standards are for chumps, so let’s go with Option Two. Right. So you’re at the beach, now what? Well, you’ve gotta stand out. Most people there will have the body of a god or goddess, be some sort of musician, or know how to surf. Fuck that, you gotta stand out. Find the nearest shark, wrangle it, and become its master. You’ll instantly show off your testicular (or vaginal, I suppose) fortitude, and you’ll also have a handy pet to gnaw someone’s face off if some bro tries to steal your girl or some young floozy flaunts her goodies in front of your man. I’ve used this technique myself multiple times to great avail, and I’d say the $100,000 hospital bill was well worth the success—namely, sex—it has granted me.

If, for whatever reason, neither of my suggestions work, just remember my tips from before with an emphasis on standing out. Wear something crazy (sweater vests, leather BDSM, clown suit- you get the idea), act a little weird (drunk-in-public weird, not tweaked out meth-head weird), and mostly just have fun. Have a good spring break, guys, just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do (which shouldn’t limit you much) and don’t incur too many lawsuits. You know you’ll have at least four exams your first day back, so you can’t afford to spend time in jail.

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Everyone knows how high school students get drunk. “GUYS LET’S GET SCHWASTED IN MY BASEMENT.” (Cue fist pumping and giggling.)

Everyone knows how college students get drunk. “Hey, uh… it’s Friday night, no class tomorrow. Who’s up for Bengal Tiger shots?”

Everyone knows how adults older than that get drunk, but no one in college cares.

But the question on the table is this: how do professors get to their hangovers? Surely anyone who has to put up with CWRU undergrads ends their days with a glass of vodka. (Just kidding.

Case students are infinitely superior to all others and surely gratify all professors here.) To find out under what circumstances and with what intensity our scholarly departments indulge in alcohol, The Athenian sent this intrepid reporter undercover.

While many music students spend any available drinking time locked in the elite CIM basement practice rooms, it turns out professors are a far cry from such immaturity. “I show up to my oboe recitals just gone enough that I can fake sobriety,” admitted one faculty member. “It helps me deal with how obnoxious it sounds.” He paused, before continuing, with a shudder, “Never stay until you’re hungover, though. The violins are hell.” A composition professor also freely confessed he’s never sober when composing—but “it’s okay because I know my grad students are drunk when they read it.”

The cognitive science department was largely a responsiblydrinking group, but one professor had a more interesting—i.e. booze-filled—story to tell. “It started when I put Kahlua in my coffee during grad school. After that, I realized it was only in my students’ best interest that I keep on showing up to class drunk! I learned to teach drunk, so I have to perform drunk,” she said. “It’s just basic CogSci. Remember, kids—if you go to class stoned, take your exam stoned.”

Speaking of which, the philosophy department, along with half the English department, proudly told this reporter they just didn’t feel the need to drink. However, on average, two lamps per office looked like they could have also passed for bongs.

The highest percentage of booze-lovers versus straight edge professors was found in the chemistry and physics department—but that should hardly be a surprise to anyone who’s had to sit through a lecture about anything with the word “quantum” in front of it.

However, while they’re not the most inebriated department, the best wasted-off-your-ass stories came out of the math faculty.

All the example problems in class featuring tanks of rum aren’t hypothetical. When I stopped by, as soon as the word “alcohol” passed my lips, drinks were poured for all. One happy surprise: none of the mathematicians said a thing about numbers once they’d taken a sip of whiskey. Instead, all the talk around the table turned to bragging about the craziest places they’d found themselves waking up from after a party night. “That stupid Hangover movie was kind of like my life,” one laughed. “Only every night. And instead of Vegas, I wake up in Cleveland without my clothes.”

SPRING BREAK

the Athenian Midterm study drinking games: how to feel productive when you’re absolutely not as compiled by: Josephus E. Tinnertink-McDuffle • Periodic-Table Pong: It’s like normal beer pong, but with elements and all the other things you should probably know for that big midterm!

• Think, Drink: For every word in your textbook that rhymes with “drink”… drink.

This includes slant rhyme, visual rhyme, and any other form of rhyme that could stretch it.

• ‘Kings’, Study Version: Replace a deck of cards with your sloppily-drawn flash cards, and when the beer is cracked open, the person who answered the last question correctly can choose who must chug it.

• Every time you have to look up a term in the Glossary, take a shot.

• MediaVision watching game: Take a shot every time: a professor walks off-screen ,there is an awkward pause, a professor responds to a student’s question, or awkwardly tries to do so.

• Protractor Pong: Calculate the angles at which the ping-pong ball bounces off the table. If you’re not within five degrees, take a shot.

• Flip Fact: a more studious version of the classic game ‘Flip Cup,’ with trivia on the bottom of each cup.

• KSL Love: Drink every time someone coughs on the third floor of KSL. • By the count: For every dreaded essay page you write, take a drink. For every five textbook pages you read, take a drink.

• Terming: To study important terms, play the name game. The first name of each word must start with the letter of the last one, and an incorrect answer would mean one shot.

o Tip: Make it relevant. For example, “Organic Chemistry > yield strength > holy crap, I don’t know any of this!!!!!!” would be a valid string.

• Pi: Take a shot for each decimal of pi you know – or eat a slice of pie! If you know more than four, let’s be real- you probably don’t need to study that hard anyway.

SPRING BREAK

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CAPTAIN ATHENIAN

the Athenian

Food Wacky, weird & crazy foods as reported by: Jon Chan

These Athenian recipes are here for you to try, all tested and true by the staff themselves, and biza rrely wonderful.

Ramen+ “There are never en ou Difficulty: Medium gh noodles.”

Ingredients: • 1 pack of ramen Ramen, something (As much as I like Shin not spicy works be st here) • Asian noodles. O r an • Green things. Veg- other pack of ramen. etables? Shanghai/ baby Bok choy works well he re.

• An egg, hard/soft boile • Beef/pork if you w d, raw. ant to be fancy.

Directions: Boil water for the A sian noodles. Cut ba half, and wash well by bok choy in . Three minutes be fore the noodles ar done, add in the bo e k choy. When nood les being done, drain and set aside. Boil are one minute from so Don’t add too muc h or you’ll have too me water for the ramen. much soup. When is boiling, add the the w ram packaging. When th en, and cook according to directions ater on the e noodles are 1 min ute from being done everything else, inclu , add in ding egg. Beef/por k can be prepared however you boiled with the wate want (can be r used before ramen to akfast add flavor). And ea Lunch/Bre your 1:15 class!” t! of Hurray!

“Be the envy sy

The Athenian is not liable for any sideeffects that occur.

Please eat responsibly.

FOOD

Whatever Casserole “I can’t believe it’s not Leutner!”

Difficulty: Hard Ingredients: • Tuna, approximately two cans. (Or chicken, if you don’t like fishy things.)

• Pasta. (Whatever sounds right. Egg noodles are best. I use three large handfuls of egg noodles, but I won’t tell you how big my hands are.)

• Crunchy things, enough to fill a baking sheet.

(Potato chips, French fries, mozzarella sticks, fried onions. Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s fried. The extra can go in your mouth directly.)

• Condensed cream of mushroom soup—a can or two. (I usually use half to one can.)\ • Cheese, a cup. (My preference is cheddar ) Directions: Prepare pasta according to directions on packaging (or, if you’re feeling cool and don’t have a stove, you can put it in a bowl with water and microwave for a while. Good luck!). Drain. Mix in everything else but the crunchies. Top with crunchies. If crunchies are too big, crumble/slice them before adding. Top with cheese. Enjoy!

a out in a Difficulty: E ht (sneak it ig n : st ts la n ie ed Ingred er serv pizza Leutn • Whatever e) Tupperwar ks, etc. See zzarella stic o m s, ie • Bread fr ings. Chips, • Crunchy th above. preferably) epper jack, (p se ee h C • m g on it. Fro Directions: h everythin ies, it ch w n u h cr ic , w jack, pizza Make sand er p ep p ea , d to t, just p: Bread d to be heate Lunchables. ee n t bottom to to o n es o like , bread. D pepperjack

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The Athenian ’s guide to March Madness

written by Evan Martin

Hello, fellow Athenian readers! Well, it’s that time of year again, and I’m not just talking about the peak of squirrel hunting season. No, the weather is starting to warm up… kinda… sorta… well anyway, it’s time for March Madness! Yes, that wonderful time of year when fans of college basketball gather round to fill out brackets on how they think the tournament is going to go, watch some basketball, and inevitably, shred their bracket once it’s conclusively determined that the money you spent on your bracket pool will be shoring up one of your coworkers’ voracious drinking habits, rather than your own.

Nevertheless, March Madness remains an American tradition, and we here at The Athenian are ready to cover it the way only a monthly periodical can.

Now, of course, we could always go the easy route and talk about the basketball tournament itself, but we’re not exactly a sports periodical here. And by that, I mean that I am literally the only writer on our staff that knows anything about sports whatsoever. Like, seriously, I could make a blatant reference to the deciding play of the damn Super Bowl, and it would fly over other staff members’ heads, but I digress. So for those of you unfamiliar with this strange ritual, here’s a brief introduction: The college basketball playoff system is kind of a whore, in that it likes to let every team that comes a knockin’ get all up in there. 64 teams make into the tournament (well, actually 68, but that’s not important), and they’re split

up into four regions: South, East, West, and…Midwest.

Because fuck the north, I suppose. Anyways, so if your hangover has subsided to the point where you can handle fourth grade level math, you’ll notice that this works out to sixteen teams per region. Each team is given a ranking within their respective region, with the best team being number one, and the worst being number sixteen. In the first round of play, the number one teams play the number sixteen teams, two plays fifteen, three plays fourteen, and so on. With me so far? Ok good, that means you’re sobering up a bit.

This tournament has one simple rule: win, or go home.

Or more accurately, win, or go get trashed, since there are surely March Madness parties going on all over freaking the place. But the point is, if you’re in this tournament, you don’t get to lose even one game, or else you’re out. Thus, thirty-two teams are knocked out in the first round, sixteen teams are knocked out in the second round, and so on, until only remains.

Kinda like

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FEATURED

the Athenian The Hunger Games, but with more basketball and less child murder. So not really like The Hunger Games, I guess. More like a basketball tournament, which is what it actually is.

Ok, so we’ve got our basics down. Now, I know what you’re thinking: this is great and all, but where does the drinking come in? Well silly, drinking while watching sports is just as old as drinking and… anything else, really.

People like drinking. But we want to make this interesting, so here’s a little drinking game that you could partake in during the tournament: Here’s how it works: You, and any number of friends must each start out with a certain number of drinks, but this number must be a multiple of four. Just four each is a good starting point. If you’re adventurous, you could start with eight. If you still want to be drunk the morning after, go with sixteen. You’re going to need some space to try this as well, and a ping pong ball. Feel free to draw some lines on it and make it look like a little basketball, for added effect. Set your drinks up in the shape of your “bracket”—you’re going to set up a square, where each player places one of his or her drinks at the corner of this square. Thus, if you have three people, you’ll have a square that has three drinks at each corner. Or, if you went with more than eight drinks per person, each person will have two drinks at each corner of the square. Pour said drinks into red cups, and mark everybody’s drinks with their names. Now, choose the distance away from the table that you would like to “shoot” from. This will be your “free throw line.” Then, mark another distance further away from your table. This will be your “three-point line.”

The rules are simple: shoot the ball at the cups from the free throw line. If you miss, nothing happens and you move on to the next shooter. If the ball makes it into a cup, then the owner of that drink has to drink it, regardless of who that owner is. Or, if the shooter chose to shoot from the three-point line, then the player whose cup was scored in has to take another of their drinks in addition to the made one. Once a player runs out of drinks with their name, they are eliminated from the tournament, and the last player with drinks remaining is declared the winner.

For added fun, add a rule where a player can trade a piece of clothing, in exchange for leaving a drink in play.

However, if the cup is made again on a subsequent turn, they will have to either drink it, or trade another piece of clothing, of course.

I know what some of you are thinking: this sounds like beer pong! But I assure you, it’s completely different.

Why? Because I called it something different, that’s why.

Plus, it’s a damn drinking game, and they’re all the same damn thing anyway. So there you have it: March Madness, Athenian style. The NCAA provides the basketball, the calendar provides the March, but only you can provide the Madness. Happy playing!

FEATURED

The best M arch M adness drinks • “True Gentleman”: Keystone, Natural Light and 151 spilled on the bar, mopped up with a polo shirt and squeezed into a highball glass.

• “The Shining Starr”: Sour mix, salt, smiley faced sticker. Simple, but classic.

• “Study Aid”: Six 8 oz Cans of Redbull and 1 handle of the finest Kamchatka vodka on hand. Served in a thermos for ease of transport into KSL! • “Total Frat Mixed Drink”: 2 shots of Makers Mark, 2 Shots of Jack Daniels, served in a solo cup, mixed with a paddle.

• “Freshman 15”: 2 Cups of Natural with a Jimmy John’s sandwich wedge as garnish • “Cleveland Breeze”: whiskey, salt, dry-ice cubes.

• “Freshman Special”: The finest Natural Light on tap, served at room temperature, haphazardly poured into a red Solo cup for the low, low price of $10.

• “34 Degrees” (The Cleveland Forecast): 4 oz. Grey Creme de Cacao, Grey Goose vodka, salt-lined glass. compiled by Peter Heggs

More available at cwruathenian.com 11

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The foods that are best coming up,

as reported by: Mo Joe the second time around Some wines are paired perfectly with foods: Chardonnay and roasted salmon, merlot and gouda cheese, pinot noir and Raman noodles. However, an excess of wine and an excess of food are not a good pairing. Here are suggestions of food pairings for your next binge that taste good twice.

If you are attending the Olympics on Hessler representing your native country of Jamaica, then you’re going to want food that is paired well with the sweet and rustic Natural Light. The aroma of stale preservatives will tickle your nose as you hold your breath to stave off your taste buds.

As you heroically go the distance, make sure to munch on some Cheezy Balls. This light and airy texture compliments the smooth but harsher taste of the Natural Light. Its easily dissolvable texture and fun color will also make for a festive trip to the porcelain throne.

If the competitive scene isn’t for you, you may find yourself at a hipster house party. Microbreweries and exported beers are the drink of choice at these events. Eating and drinking is paired with stories from backpacking banjo players and aspiring graphic designers. Take your time as you drink your “Moose Drool” from Maine or your “Hoptimus Prime.” Drinking these slowly while eating hummus and kale chips will give your sickness a mellow tone. The organic ingredients will purify your purge. The taste

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is obscure, but that’s the point.

Congratulations! It’s your 21st birthday and you are ready for a night out on the town. You invite everyone you know and they all want to take shots with you. Celebrate your first night drinking in public by acting in ways you never would in public. Take dozens of shots with friends, then order loaded fries for everyone. This sodden, mushy delicacy goes down as easy as that last White Russian you somewhat remember drinking. The next morning, you will be keeled over with a terrible headache, but those chunky bacon bits will serve as a salty reminder of a night well lived.

Just remember some of these classy drunk tips (in fact, five of them): 1) If you owe someone money, pay they back at the bar.

2) Drink one girly drink in public and you’ll forever be known as the person who drinks girly drinks.

3) It is only permissible to shout ‘woo-hoo!’ if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

4) Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

5) If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

The Athenian does not promote any of the tips listed within the article or any of the fooid combinations. This is only meant for professionals and should not be attempted by the normal citizen. Try at your own risk.

FOOD

the Athenian The dark side of dressage: are Europeans eating Rafalca? as reported by: Alex Aloi Europe has been plagued with an ongoing scandal about the content of its hamburgers. Horse meat has been found in meat products across the continent, prompting officials to place tighter control on meat packing plants while also causing many bronies to cry into their pillows at night. The scandal heated up again last night as a piece of grainy footage surfaced that seems to depict horses being led to slaughter.

Among them are horses closely resembling many former Olympic dressage thoroughbreds, including a horse that closely resembles Rafalca, the horse owned

by Mitt Romney.

Known to most Americans as “that thing Stephen Colbert talked about that one time,” dressage is a sport which requires horses to prance

about for a bunch of rich people in a fashion that appears to be quite demeaning. Winning horses are given trophies and then are lead back to the stable to (we assume) get beat up by the more macho horses.

Dressage has come under fire from animal-rights activists in the past for basically doing to a horse what ballet does to a ballerina’s feet (Do a Google search.

We dare you). However, it was previously believed that the worst thing one could say about Dressage was “Wow, I didn’t know a hoof could bend that way.

I n f a c t , I didn’t think that hooves could bend at all.” Now activists are wondering whether losing the competition comes at a price.

O l y m p i c D r e s s a g e O ff i c i a l , E d Lane, claims that officials are strictly forbidden from selling the losing horses to slaughter houses: “This giant pile of money behind me is from my completely legal coke deal. I mean, I work with a coke dealer. I mean, I have a deal with Coca Cola...I’m not a criminal!”

In spite of Mr. Ed’s comments, the Olympic Dressage Team remains missing and is presumed dead. To honor the sacrifice of those brave mares and stallions, we here at the Athenian have asked the dining hall staff to add a new item to the university’s courtesy menu: the Rafalca Burger, made AnnRomney from beef imported directly from wantsher horseback.org Europe.

Have you seen our website? No? Well, check it out now!

cwruathenian.com FOOD

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cwruathenian.com

Case alumnus victim of world’s worst food disaster as reported by: Hallie Dolin

For many Case students, the phrase ‘food disaster’ can describe a lot of different experiences - that disastrous meal that they attempted to cook for their first date, Aunt Bertha’s famous smoked flan, or a joke about Fribley.

This week, however, a calamity far more deadly caught the world’s attention when a Case alumnus spontaneously combusted at the dinner table. Sources believe that they have found a reason for this bizarre event.

Doof Johnston, 23, was found last Tuesday in his Shaker Square apartment, flopped down next to the dinner table. His roommate, who prefers to remain anonymous, had only this to say about why he failed to notice the fact that Johnston was on fire: “Seriously? I thought it was that pathetic attempt he made at steak that he had on the table. That stuff smelled just horrible.”

Investigators paid a visit to Johnston’s apartment the day after his death, eager to crack the case. They were shocked to find that, in fact, the steak was still intact on the table. Chief Detective Ray Bucket, when asked about verification of Johnston’s roommate’s statement, replied that “[he] really thought someone would have eaten it by now. It’s a piece of meat, people, not a loaded gun.

Didn’t the guy have a dog or something?” Further investigations, however, turned up the fact that Johnston’s pug had been away at a Phish concert that night, making consumption an impossibility.

Johnston, as it turns out, was not in the habit of cooking steak – a fact that, along with his otherwise typical behavior the night of his death, prompted the detective team to send his food to a nearby chemical analysis lab for testing. The steak, along with a scoop of baked potatoes found at the scene, came back yesterday with the following tag: “Dry, gristly, and full of E. coli – just terrible. If the guy had eaten this stuff, he would’ve been exposed to a fate much worse than a little spontaneous combustion.”

Bucket has since dubbed Johnston’s untimely death a symptom of Case’s propensity to turn out alums with zero practical skills whatsoever. “Sure, maybe he could write a killer thesis, but ultimately, Doof Johnston was killed by his body’s overreaction to the worst prospective dinner in the history of the world, and we mourn him.”

Case has declined to comment on any potential responsibility for the spontaneous combustion, but reportedly, professors all over campus are in talks to provide basic cooking skills and a little common sense to students in a series of classes. The steak, meanwhile, has been taken into custody.

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Hey!

Hey! Draw for The At henian!

FOOD

the Athenian Leutner & wine combinations (that you should definitely try) as reported by: Mr. Chuckles For anyone looking to enjoy a truly exquisite meal, the drink is just as important as the food. This fact doesn’t change just because the setting is a dining hall. However, most of us uncivilized ruffians ignore this facet of a meal completely, running straight over to the soda machine. For those looking to make our lunch or dinner (or breakfast, if you’re daring) all it can be, we present this guide. Read on to learn exactly what to drink with which food.

Most people will head straight to the pizza station. Good choice; incidentally, that’s the only edible thing in the whole place. Pair this Italian classic with another Italian classic: a nice Chianti works wonders here. Chianti is also a good choice if you’d rather take pasta over stir-fry.

Meat lovers who are more interested in a hamburger or whatever mystery meat they’ve got as the daily special should go with a Pinot Noir. The nice earthy tones and berry scents of the wine will pair well with the former cow and whatever it was fed before becoming your dinner.

Braving the stir fry? Try a Merlot. If nothing else, it’ll make the barely-cooked meal go by much faster.

If the prepared options just aren’t cutting it and you want to make your own sandwich, we recommend a good Pinot Noir or Pinot Grigio. Or you could bring some home-brewed moonshine, since already-prepared foods clearly aren’t cutting it for you. Try the prison recipe!

Those looking to polish off their meal with some dessert should look into a nice port or dessert wine, or even a good chardonnay.

That way you’ll have an epic sugar rush in addition to being hammered. If you’re in Fribley and stopping by the popcorn machine, try some Cabernet Sauvignon.

So next time you go to the dining hall, be it Leutner or Fribley, you’ll know exactly what to drink to have the perfect meal. But if this all sounds like too much work, you can just go to the liquor store and buy whatever’s in their bargain bin. Pairing cheap shit with the cheap shit you’re eating works too.

FOOD

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cwruathenian.com

Sports Cleveland Indians sign Backyard Baseball character for four years, $50 million

as reported by: Nick Pilla

CLEVELAND, OH – In what has already been a surprisingly aggressive offseason for the team, the Cleveland Indians have made another move. The club announced Wednesday that they intend to sign Pablo Sanchez, a fictional character from the popular video game Backyard Baseball.

Sanchez, nicknamed “Secret Weapon,” has 4/4 baseballs in batting, 4/4 in running, 4/4 in fielding, and 3/4 in pitching, easily making him the best player in the Backyard league. He hardly ever needs a juice box when pitching, and a nice Spanish flamenco theme comes on when he’s batting.

“We think Pablo is a great addition to this team,” said general manager Chris Antonetti. “He has natural leadership and athletic ability, and we don’t think other teams will expect it, since he’s computer-animated and about eight years old.”

Manager Terry Francona was glad to hear the news.

“I’m really excited to meet Pablo and have

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him here in the clubhouse,” said Francona. “He’s a guy who can bring back a spark due to his youth. Also, he’s bilingual, so that’ll help out, I think, as well. I still haven’t been able to communicate with Carlos Santana, Asdrubal Cabrera, or half my pitchers.”

Sanchez broke into the Backyard Baseball league in 1997, the first year of its existence. He racked up all-star caliber stats for users everywhere, with plenty of home runs hit and strikeouts thrown. Sanchez made the leap to the Backyard Sports: Sandlot Sluggers game in 2010.

“Listen here, slick, they made the right decision,” said Sanchez’s former teammate Tony Delvecchio, who winked a lot and sucked on a lollipop while being interviewed. “but let me tell ya, I’m the best, you hear me? The best.”

“We’ve made a lot of great moves, but that doesn’t mean we’re necessarily done yet,” added Antonetti. The club is rumored to be in talks with Big Bird and Sylvester Stallone.

Before he can actually play, Sanchez must first pass a virtual physical to be added to the team’s roster for spring training.

SPORTS

SPORTS

Florida State

Florida

Oklahoma State

Memphis

Green Bay

Marquette

Butler

Baylor

Kobe Bryant

Michael Jordan

American

Oregon

Minnesota

St. Louis

Michigan

Michigan State

Loyola (Palawan)

Syracuse

Loyola (Seville)

Loyola (Chennai)

Loyola (Montreal)

Loyola (New Orleans)

Loyola (Chicago)

Loyola (Maryland)

Wisconsin

Georgetown

U of P

Penn State

New Mexico

Kansas State

Hoffstra

Indiana

Florida

Memphis

Marquette

Baylor

Michael Jordan

Oregon

St. Louis

Michigan State

Loyola

Loyola

Loyola

Loyola

Wisconsin

Penn State

Kansas State

Indiana

Florida

Do I need a good reason? I just like Marquette, OKAY? Stop being like my mother.

Marquette

Michael Jordan

6 rings? He wants a national championship. And he’ll do it... alone.

Michigan State

Loyola

Loyola, always a safe bet. Take it without exception, especially in this situation.

Loyola

Penn State

This game will be over faster than kids now flee the Penn State locker rooms...

Too soon?

Indiana Indiana Appalachia St.

Michael Jordan

230

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Duke

Noone can beat Michael Jordan.

Noone. Not even Mike Krzyzewski.

After hoisting the trophy, Jordan will ascend into the heavens. The world will rejoice as Angels sing “Space Jam”.

Michael Jordan

Michael Jordan

Duke

Unfortunately they couldn’t fiddle their way past the Devils in this matchup set in the house of the rising sun.

The Inbreds forgot they weren’t from Georgia.

Appalachia St.

Duke

Mike Krzyzewski is a god of basketball.

That’ll be enough alone to get his team to the final four.

Illinois

Transylvania

*The Athenian is not liable for any money lost on making these bets. We gladly demand a 20% commission off all winnings made from the use of this bracket though.

Marquette

Indiana

While Indiana may have hoosier folklore on their side, Michael Jordan had to set up his own college so that he’d be eligble again. That’s dedication right there.

Fine, he can bring in Bugs Bunny if he wants. But we’re drawing the line there. It wouldn’t be fair otherwise.

Michael Jordan

Loyola

As in take Loyola everywhere except here...

We’re going to use mascot criteria here.

Inbreds versus the Vampires. I’ll give it to the Inbreds.

Even with selection Sunday week’s away, the Athenian’s sports guru, Shawn Spencer, already knows who will take the title. Enter these picks into any bracket competition you see today!

You’ll be rolling in the dough soon enough. GUARENTEED.*

The Athenian’s March Madness

Duke

With their “dead” girlfriends coming back to life, Notre Dame will be too distracted to beat Duke.

Notre Dame

Illinois

Knowing that they can’t compete in the NBA, Cleveland decided to drop down a level. It didn’t help much.

The Caveliers

Michigan

Fun Fact: Translyvania University is actually located in central Kentucky.

Transylvania

Appalachia St.

They’ll be the only good thing to ever come out of Appalachia!

Miami

Duke

New Mexico

Virginia

Notre Dame

Illinois

Northwestern

The Caveliers

Gonzaga

Michigan

Ohio St.

Louisville

Transylvania

Boise St.

Appalachia St.

Connecticut

Miami (FL)

Old Mexico

Duke

New New Mexico

New Mexico

Virginia

Lehigh

St. Mary’s

Notre Dame

Illinois

Colorado State

Northwestern

Missouri

First Graders

The Caveliers

Gonzo

Gonzaga

Michigan

Arizona State

Ohio St.

Kansas

Louisville

Transylvania

Kentucky

Nevada

Boise St.

Appalachia St.

CWRU

TCU

Connecticut

Miami (OH)

Miami (FL)

the Athenian

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cwruathenian.com

No-Contact boxing league launched as reported by: Mr. Chuckles

First, there was drunken boxing. Then, there was chess boxing. And just when you thought sports couldn’t get any more strange or pointless, a new athletic organization has announced the creation of a league of no contact boxing.

The goal of no-contact boxing is the same as regular boxing − beat the other guy into submission with one key difference. As the name implies, the two boxers are not allowed to hit each other. Harman Onica, head of the League of Pointless Changes that Make No Sense, was quoted as saying “We want people to realize that there are other methods of beating people down than physical abuse. Like emotional abuse, for example.”

Since the boxers, of course, are not allowed contact with each other, they must resort to other means of reducing their opponents into whimpering little children. In the match we witnessed, one boxer hurled out a slew of “yo mamma” jokes. In another match, a boxer apparently resorted to pulling out a ukulele and performing some asinine doo-wop. The format opens itself up to a surprising amount of strategy, as one has the option of removing his opponent from the ring the traditional way (i.e., opponent cries uncle), or baiting the opponent into hitting him, thus disqualifying said opponent and rendering a victory by default. Onica refers to it as “the thinking man’s boxing” and is pleased with the fact that a disqualification “sends the message that violence is wrong.”

Reactions to the new league have been mixed. Buddhist monks are reportedly pleased with the fact that they can now legitimately call themselves championship boxers.

Most people we surveyed replied to the news of no contact boxing with something to the effect of “wait, what?” We also attempted to interview regular boxing legend Mike Tyson; he responded with “How the hell did you get into my house?” before putting on his gloves and chasing us out. We’re not exactly sure, but we think that means he’s not too happy with the creation of the league.

We here at The Athenian will continue to see how things progress for the no-contact boxing league. Hell, we might even try our hands at it ourselves.

We’ve got the appropriate wit, right? And we’ll also be keeping an eye on whether Iron Mike ever gets that hole in his fence fixed.

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SPORTS

the Athenian

If you’re interested in seeing the solutions, please email athenian@case.edu and we’ll happily supply them to you.

Insane

Easy

Welcome to...

CASE LIBS Our drunk tales...

This morning I woke up at ________ (time) and ate _________(noun) for breakfast. I (past tense verb) myself in _________(noun) and a t-shirt. I went to the (noun) to participate in a class about _______(noun). Then I went to the _______(noun) with some friends to ___________(verb). Tomorrow, I am going to ________(verb) to school and likely do nothing.

My cat ________(past tense verb) on the couch, and I got _________(noun) all over my ass when I sat down to _______(verb) my _______(adjective) Super Mario game.

This winter break, there are __________ (adjective) things I want to do. First, my __________(adjective) friend in the whole world is coming home from _______ (noun-place in the world)! We are going to spend so much time ________(verb) and _________(verb)! My other friend, who _________(verb) to school in Hamilton is also coming home. The two of us will go to _________(noun) and eat _________(food item)! I hope I don’t spill any on my ________(body part).

I certainly hope you’ve enjoyed _________(verb) this game.

You are _________(adjective)!

Interested in winning prizes of up to 250 dollars at the end of the semester?

Enter the contest with one entry each issue by going to the link below (through your computer browser or smartphone via QR code) and vote for your favorite article of each issue. it’s that simple and you, the readers, get to determine the month’s winner of $50 for their fabulous writing!

http://tinyurl.com/bb8rkkq **We reserve the right to throw out results that are repeated numbers or inappropriate shapes, though we may commend the effort for the latter.

RANDOM FUN PAGES

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