Identity-Building Workbook

Identity-Building Workbook RESTORATIVE EXERCISES FOR WOMEN HEALING FROM ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

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© 2016 Lara Frayre

Identity-Building Workbook The Identity-Building Workbook is designed to help women heal properly from an abusive relationship. In the following pages, you’ll find hands-on exercises to help you rebuild your identity and cultivate a positive attitude - while recovering from the traumatic experience and creating new life.

We’ll use a 4-Step Framework to facilitate your healing process: STEP 1

Audit

We’ll take an honest inventory of how you are today versus how you were before the relationship, so we have a reference point to guide your reflections.

STEP 2

Restore

We’ll work on patching up the broken pieces and restoring harmony in your physical, mental & emotional and spiritual areas of life so you can get back to balance.

STEP 3

Create

Use the exercises to create your new, richer identity by cultivating positivity habits and strengthening self-esteem with affirmations.

STEP 4

Prevent

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Put safeguards in place so you don’t fall into the same trap all over again in the future, and so you can attract healthy people into your life.

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IDENTITY-BUILDING WORKBOOK Audit • Restore • Create • Prevent

Relationship Audit THE RELATIONSHIP

THE PARTNER

List all the POSITIVE aspects of the relationship.

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IDENTITY-BUILDING WORKBOOK Audit • Restore • Create • Prevent

Relationship Audit THE RELATIONSHIP

THE PARTNER

List all the NEGATIVE aspects of the relationship.

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IDENTITY-BUILDING WORKBOOK Audit • Restore • Create • Prevent

Relationship Audit THE RELATIONSHIP

THE PARTNER

List all the POSITIVE traits of your ex.

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Relationship Audit THE RELATIONSHIP

THE PARTNER

List all the NEGATIVE traits of your ex.

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Before, During and After Let’s try a self-portrait exercise: Describe yourself before, during and after your bad relationship. The goal is to help you see yourself in big picture - that there’s more to you than the bad things your ex said about you (which may not even be true!). Some of your ex’s destructive traits may have rubbed off on you as well, but there are ways to use this to your

advantage. Example of his/her negative quality you adopted, but used in a positive way: Quick to anger and criticism -> Zero tolerance for bullshit, tempered by empathy Overbearing -> Assertiveness Fear of losing control -> Increased respect for boundaries

Me BEFORE the Relationship POSITIVE

NEGATIVE

Me DURING the Relationship POSITIVE

NEGATIVE

Me AFTER the Relationship POSITIVE

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NEGATIVE

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Audit • Restore • Create • Prevent

10 Life Lessons I’ve Learned from the Relationship

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LIFE LESSON #1

LIFE LESSON #2

LIFE LESSON #3

LIFE LESSON #4

LIFE LESSON #5

LIFE LESSON #6

LIFE LESSON #7

LIFE LESSON #8

LIFE LESSON #9

LIFE LESSON #10

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Letter to My Ex Ending abusive relationships take a long time for most women. We’ve been so brainwashed and broken from the inside that it takes solid resolve to completely cut all ties with our ex. We are caught in this whirlpool of dysfunction, that any attempts to break free are met with violent opposition.

Worse - our own fears keep us going back, only to be mired in the mess. We advocate having 100% No Contact with your ex. Not only do consequences far outweigh the benefits - you

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also technically self-harm whenever you initiate contact with an abuser. It’s almost the equivalent of cutting yourself to feel something, except this is more dangerous. Damages to your psyche take longer to heal than physical wounds. You can take this opportunity to send an imaginary letter to your ex. Say anything you want, as long as it helps take you a step farther away from him/her, and closer to putting your broken pieces back together.

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Audit • Restore • Create • Prevent

Letter to Myself Having now evaluated the relationship for its positive and negative qualities - tap into your rational, objective self to console your wounded, hurting self - just as you would your best friend. Maybe you need to give yourself some tough love to be able to move forward; maybe you need some unfiltered ex-bashing; maybe you need to remember all those loving moments to try and make sense to the madness - that humans are humans, that we make mistakes and hurt others

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in the process. Whatever your approach, you have to be gentle with yourself at the end of this letter.

Here’s an exercise you can try: Pick a time every day where you can face the mirror and look yourself in the eyes. Say to yourself, “I forgive you for _________.” Do this often enough and you should start to restore the self-love you may have lost in all those times your ex made you feel like you’re not worthy of love or forgiveness.

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My Bio Let’s say someone’s writing a Wikipedia page about you. How would you like to be known and be remembered? Don’t hold back - sky’s the limit on this one. “Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.” - Napoleon Hill

Your Name i.e. World-Changer

i.e. Life Coach

i.e. Inspirational Speaker

Greatest Achievements Greatest Achievement #1

Greatest Achievement #2

Greatest Achievement #3

Quality #2

Quality #3

Best Known for Her...

Quality #1

Short Biography

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Audit • Restore • Create • Prevent

10 Inspiring Things People Said to Me 1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

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Top 10 Things I Love About Myself 1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

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PART 1

6 Mantras Negativity is almost always our default mental setting when healing from a bad relationship. To help you develop the habit of optimistic self-talk, write six mantras you can use anytime you feel a certain negative emotion.

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MANTRA #1: WHEN I’M FEELING DEPRESSED

MANTRA #2: WHEN I’M FEELING SCARED

MANTRA #3: WHEN I’M FEELING ANGRY

MANTRA #4: WHEN I’M FEELING WORTHLESS

MANTRA #5: WHEN I’M FEELING LOST

MANTRA #6: WHEN I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING

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Motivational Quotes Collect all your favorite quotes here for an extra boost when you’re having a bad day or just need a little sunshine. It can be your own quotes or ones from great people in real life or in books - totally up to you!

QUOTE #1

QUOTE #2

QUOTE #3

QUOTE #4

QUOTE #5

QUOTE #6

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Audit • Restore • Create • Prevent

My Adventure Story Imagine it’s New Year’s Eve 2016. Before setting your New Year’s resolution for 2017, you first write about your awesome 2016 in review. What aspects of your life have changed?

What new adventures have you added to your life story?

Tip: When visualizing your ideal life adventures, it helps to use all five senses. Example: “I went to the beach last summer and had a great time meeting new people, diving all week, and at the end of a tiring day, dining at this restaurant by the sea that serves fresh, delicious lobsters.” This makes the vision as real and tangible as possible, and your subconscious brain will work to make this happen.

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My Roadmap You may have let some of your ambitions go for the sake of making things work with your ex.

Now that you’re single again, this is the best time to revisit and create new goals. You’ll feel a great sense of empowerment when you can see your dreams, on paper. Write each one of them down - even if they seem impossible. This helps your subconscious mind aspire with power, specificity and direction.

This Year GOALS CAREER & FINANCES

HEALTH & WELLBEING

RELATIONSHIPS

Next Year GOALS CAREER & FINANCES

HEALTH & WELLBEING

RELATIONSHIPS

GOALS Next Next Year CAREER & FINANCES

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HEALTH & WELLBEING

RELATIONSHIPS

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Goal-Supporting Habits Now that you’ve designed your roadmap for the next 3 years, let’s work on creating habits that support your long-term goals. We’ll start with daily, weekly and monthly habits to create a healthier life physically, mentally and emotionally, spiritually, and financially.

HEALTH AND WELLBEING DAILY

WEEKLY

MONTHLY

CAREER AND FINANCES DAILY

WEEKLY

MONTHLY

RELATIONSHIPS DAILY

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WEEKLY

MONTHLY

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Tips for Effective Dreaming Now that you’ve designed your roadmap for the next 3 years, let’s work on creating habits that support your long-term goals. We’ll start with daily, weekly and monthly habits to create a healthier life physically, mentally and emotionally, spiritually, and financially.

Create a Pinterest Board

Create a Physical Vision Board

My Dream Life

Vision Board

Write Daily

Create a Gratitude Journal

Daily Reflections

10 Reasons I’m Grateful Today 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

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Outside the Comfort Zone One of the ways to overcome fear is to do the very things that scare you. List down all the things you’re afraid of doing and identify the fear behind these activities. Play Devil’s Advocate in debunking the belief and see what magic you can do simply by going outside your comfort zone.

WHAT I’M AFRAID OF DOING

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WHY AM I AFRAID OF DOING THIS?

WHY SHOULDN’T I BE AFRAID OF THIS?

STATUS

WHAT I’VE LEARNED FROM DOING THIS

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Non-Negotiable Values Distill 6 of your core, non-negotiable values into something like the 10 Commandments, and deciding whether someone is a good fit for you becomes much, much easier.

For your future relationship to work, what are the values that your future partner should espouse?

NON-NEGOTIABLE VALUE #1

NON-NEGOTIABLE VALUE #2

NON-NEGOTIABLE VALUE #3

NON-NEGOTIABLE VALUE #4

NON-NEGOTIABLE VALUE #5

NON-NEGOTIABLE VALUE #6

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PART 2

6 Mantras Negativity is almost always our default mental setting when healing from a bad relationship. To help you develop the habit of optimistic self-talk, write six mantras you can use anytime you feel a certain negative emotion.

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MANTRA #1: WHEN I’M STARTING TO FORGET

MANTRA #2: WHEN I’M FEELING SCARED

MANTRA #3: WHEN I’M FEELING ANGRY

MANTRA #4: WHEN I’M FEELING WORTHLESS

MANTRA #5: WHEN I’M FEELING LOST

MANTRA #6: WHEN I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING

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My Ideal Man So you can avoid falling for the same trap in the future, list down all the red flags you have noticed early in the relationship (but didn’t take seriously). We tend to make concessions for people we love, but in the process, we bypass our internal alarm system that warns us of potential danger.

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IDENTITY-BUILDING WORKBOOK

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Audit • Restore • Create • Prevent

Red Flags So you can avoid falling for the same trap in the future, list down all the red flags you have noticed early in the relationship (but didn’t take seriously). We tend to make concessions for people we love, but in the process, we bypass our internal alarm system that warns us of potential danger.

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Congratulations!

You’ve completed the Identity-Building Workbook.

I hope you’ve found catharsis, healing and comfort in the exercises I laid out for you here. Know that although this phase of healing opens up pockets in your heart that you didn’t know could hurt, this is also one of the best times to start fresh; to work from rock bottom and build a new, stronger foundation for the better life and relationship you deserve.

Relish this time, because you live more fully when your heart is vulnerable.

You allow yourself to see others and be seen as the beautiful soul that you are. You break down the gates for people to come flooding you in with love and encouragement.

Open up, and let love in.

Wishing you love and abundance, Lara

Credits to John Gray, Ph.D., relationship counselor and author of Mars and Venus Starting Over, for the Relationship Audit exercise, and to Virin Gomber, success coach and mindfulness trainer for the My Roadmap and Goal-Supporting Habits framework.

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