The Love Doctors

Misdiagnose Part 2: A Satire

Relationship advice from Anna Beth and Elley Elley Atchison and Anna Beth Mauldin,

Editor-in-Chief & Junior Editor

*This is a satire and not meant to be taken seriously.*

In the spirit of the most loving holiday of all, Elley Atchison and I (Anna Beth Mauldin) are seeking to erase all of your love woes to ensure a fabulous Valentine’s. We have carefully selected several questions that were placed in our love advice boxes, and hope our advice can fulfill your expectations.

Why don’t I have a love life?

Our moms always tell us that we don’t have love lives because we are too pretty. That must be the case for you as well.

Why won’t my significant other take me out to a nice restaurant? Well, you most likely do not deserve to go to a nice restaurant. You need to be more content with what’s given to you. We hope this helps!

Why does my boyfriend want me to start wearing makeup? Listen, dark circles are something everyone struggles with. Just be honest with yourself and recognize that you have them. Dark circles under your eyes are something that you must cover up because you are just not pretty when you have them. Honestly, your boyfriend is just helping you.

Why has my girlfriend sent me the number of her therapist? Your girlfriend wants to engage in couple therapy with you. As a good boyfriend, you need to be open to this idea. We have both been to couple therapy and it helps! P.S.- it is okay to cry.

Why does my girlfriend keep calling me Steve? That’s my best friend’s name! This is something we cannot help you with.

Why does my boyfriend compare me to his ex?

You’re obviously doing something wrong if he is comparing you to someone else. This is not his problem; it is yours. Change your appearance and whole personality immediately. We would recommend dyeing your hair a different color or completely shaving your head. You’re welcome in advance.

Why is my boyfriend incompetent? It is in their biology. They cannot help it.

Why does my boyfriend keep telling me our relationship is open; what does that even mean? We looked it up on relationship.com, and it told us that it just means being emotionally vulnerable. You have nothing to worry about. Good luck!