3 Shalom Bayis - Conflicts

Shalom Bayis Conflict Resolution

3

Conflict Resolution

Conflict Resolution Conflict When the values, needs, desires, or opinions of the couple aren’t aligned and they clash

Conflict Resolution Conflicts occur in every marriage and in all stages of life

This is true both with happily married couples and those who aren’t happy

Conflict Resolution The difference:

Do they know how to confront the conflict appropriately?

Do have tools for resolving the conflict?

Conflict Resolution 3 fundamental principles Fundamental principles

1

2 Conflict is normal

3 Marriage is a partnership

Personal space vs. shared space

Conflict Resolution 3 fundamental principles 1

Conflict is normal

Conflicts are completely normal and they aren’t a reason for panic

‫ שהרי‬,‫חילוקי דעות – הוא עניין טבעי‬ ‫האדם באופן ש'אין‬-‫הקב"ה ברא את בני‬ ‫אפשר (ואין‬-‫ וממילא אי‬,'‫דעותיהן שוות‬ .‫צורך) לפעול דעה אחידה אצל כולם‬ )357 '‫(התוועדויות תשמ"ט ח"א ע‬

‫חילוקי דעות כיו"ב מצויין ברובם ככולם‬ ‫ וסיבתם דרצה השם‬,‫דכל בני ישראל‬ .‫ובראם באופן דאין דעותיהם שוות‬ )242 '‫ צדיק למלך ח"ז ע‬,‫(מכתב מהרבי‬

A difference in opinion is normal since Hashem created human beings in a way that no two people share the same opinions. And in any case, it isn’t possible (or necessary) for everyone to have the same opinion.

(Hisvaaduyos 5749 vol. 1, p. 357)

A difference in opinions is found amongst most of Bnei Yisrael since Hashem wanted to create them so that no two people have the same opinions.

(Letter of Rebbe — Tzadik Lamelech, vol. 7, p. 242)

Conflict Resolution 3 fundamental principles 2

Marriage is a partnership

Spouses are equal partners and neither has more influence than the other

Conflict Resolution 3 fundamental principles 2

Personal space vs. shared space

Each spouse does not have the right to force themselves into the other’s personal space

Conflict Resolution Independence of each spouse

What are the benefits and disadvantages of each spouse having independence?

Conflict Resolution Independence of each spouse

What is the opposite of independence?

One spouse feels stifled

Both spouses feel stifled

Conflict Resolution Independence of each spouse What causes lack of independence?

Blame Excessive sacrifice Difficulty using ‘I’ approach

Thinking it’s up to the other spouse to change

Conflict Resolution Independence of each spouse

How does it look?

Emotional stress What the other spouse does annoys me

Conflict Resolution

How do we resolve a conflict?

Is giving in always the best option?

What do we want the situation to look like after the resolution?

Conflict Resolution We strive to reach a mutual agreement that is comfortable and appropriate for both sides

Many are the sayings of our Sages, including also our Rebbes of saintly memory, who urge husband and wife to discuss matters of mutual concern and to give attention to the opinion of the other and then act in mutual agreement.

(English letter of the Rebbe — dated 12 Menachem Av 5737)

Conflict Resolution After each spouse expressed their stance, each one should explain why they want it specifically that way

What

=

Stance

Why

=

Interest

The reasoning can be a convincing factor

Conflict Resolution A resolution by incorporating both interests:

Wife

Husband

Stance

Stance

Interest

Interest

Resolution

Conflict Resolution Resolution through compromise: (If the previous method wasn’t successful)

Wife

Husband

Stance

Stance

Resolution

Making a “deal”

Classic compromise

Exchange conflicts

50/50

Conflict Resolution Compromise The proper perspective on compromise Of course, since G-d has created human beings with minds and feelings of their own and these are not uniform in all, peace and harmony can be achieved only on the basis of “give and take,” that is, meeting each other halfway.

For a husband and wife to make concessions to each other is not, and should not be considered, a sacrifice, G-d forbid. On the contrary, this is what the Torah teaches and expects, for we are talking about concessions that do not involve compromise in regard to the fulfillment of Mitzvos, and both of you are of the same mind that the laws of the Shulchan Aruch must not be compromised.

Furthermore, to achieve true peace and harmony calls for making such concessions willingly and graciously — not grudgingly, as if it were a sacrifice, as mentioned above, but is the realization that it is for the benefit of one’s self and one’s partner in life, and for one’s self perhaps even more, since it is made in fulfillment of G-d’s Will.

And if our Sages exhort every Jew “to receive every person with a friendly face,” certainly one’s wife or husband.

(English letter of the Rebbe — dated 12 Menachem Av 5737)

Conflict Resolution Compromise

Between “compromising” and “giving in”

Conflict Resolution Compromise Being inflexible vs. compromising When a person can be flexible and when not A “Yesh” on the inside, Bitul on the outside

Conflict Resolution Compromise Being inflexible vs. compromising Yeshus

Bitul

I’m in charge, I’m inflexible

Hashem is in charge, I’m flexible

Conflict Resolution Giving in When and how it is proper to utilize “giving in”: In a stressful sudden problem As a “gift” and “deposit”

In exceptional cases

From a place of strength (and not as submission or because no other choice)

‫לוותר בהכל — צריך עיון גדול אם תוכל‬ ‫ אין‬,)‫לקיים זה בפועל (או — בעלה מצידו‬ …‫ וספק אם גם יועיל‬,‫לזה גבול‬

It is unlikely that you will be able to follow through with completely giving in. It has no end, and there is a question whether it will even be effective…

)50 '‫ ע‬,‫ 'מבית המלכות' ח"ב‬,‫(מענה כ"ק אדמו"ר‬

(Maaneh of the Rebbe)

Conflict Resolution Summary Stages of the dialogue:

Presenting the stances (and reflection)

Explaining the interests and attempting to convince

Resolution by incorporating both interests

Resolution through compromise

Realization that there isn’t agreement

Ending the conflict

Conflict Resolution Power struggles

Arguments in married life — good or not good?

Depends when and why

Conflict Resolution Power struggles

In the beginning of marriage

Functions of this stage:

Feeling completely compatible

Fond memories

Romance

Shared dream

Unconditional giving

Foundation of intimacy

Conflict Resolution Power struggles The stage of disillusionment — "Struggle of Powers"

Functions of this stage:

Arguments, disagreements

Learning how to deal with conflict

Blaming

Creating personal space

Feeling that nothing will ever be the same again

Breaking free from illusion

Conflict Resolution Power struggles

Between “power struggles” and “ego struggles”:

Scope of the struggle

Goal of the struggle