Shalom Bayis Fundamentals
1
Having a Happy Marriage What percentage of couples are happily married?
33% Pulling through
33% Happily married
33% Get divorced
Having a Happy Marriage 33% Pulling through
What causes the difference? 33% Happily married
33% Get divorced
Health
Compatibility
Mentality Level of intelligence Personality
Age
Financial stability
Family background
Having a Happy Marriage
Mentality
Personality
Health
Compatibility
Level of intelligence
Family background
Financial stability
Age
Not up to us
Having a Happy Marriage What causes the difference?
Thought patterns
Behavior patterns
It’s up to us!
Both spouses need to invest in the marriage
Having a Happy Marriage Thought patterns
Behavior patterns
Knowledge
Application
Learning
Effort
Having a Happy Marriage Wife
Husband Learning | Effort
Thought patterns
Behavior patterns
Creates a happy marriage
Both spouses need to invest in the marriage and apply the things they learn
Having a Happy Marriage Logical vs. emotional language
Are we speaking logically or emotionally? Which type of speech touches us more?
Is what we’re saying based on intellect or emotion? When is it easier to speak emotionally — when it comes from logic or feelings?
Having a Happy Marriage Logical vs. emotional language
When we talk about our mistake (“The food burnt”) When we relate a fear or concern (“They won’t like my shiur”) When describing being hurt emotionally (“My friend told me…”)
Having a Happy Marriage Logical vs. emotional language When speaking of a problem (“My boss is pressuring me to work tomorrow afternoon and I will miss a class reunion”) When telling of a success (“My work won first place”) When listening quietly
Having a Happy Marriage Logical vs. emotional language To listen emotionally and be there completely for the other means:
Disconnect from the surroundings Stop thinking about what is “normal”
Go a little out of myself Forget about any personal worries
Having a Happy Marriage So what are the…
Thinking patterns
Behavior patterns
…that characterize happy couples?
Having a Happy Marriage
A relationship requires maintenance
If we don’t have a practical connection we won’t have an emotional attachment
Quality Time Make sure to maintain three cycles of sharing quality time together
20 minutes daily
2 hours weekly
Once in a while
Conversation without distractions
Doing activity together
Short couple’s vacation
Quality Time 20 minutes daily - Conversation without distractions
The Quality Time of the Rebbe and Rebbetzin Dr. Ira Weiss relates: A few weeks after the Rebbe’s heart attack which occured on Shemini Atzeres 5738, we informed the Rebbe that in his current condition he could be discharged and care would continue with frequent visits to his home. The Rebbe was delighted with this news. Not because of the progression in his health, but for an entirely different reason. During those weeks, Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka visited the Rebbe every day. However, since there was always a medical staff member present, the Rebbe did not feel comfortable with the time he was spending with her and requested to be taken home where he would have complete privacy with the Rebbetzin. The Rebbe shared with me that the times which he spent with the Rebbetzin sipping a cup of tea were as important to him as the time he spent putting on tefillin.
Quality Time
20 minutes daily Conversation
You could discuss any non-stressful topic
Without distractions
Quality Time 2 hours weekly Doing activity together
Learning together
Going out to eat
Playing a game
Going on trip
Taking a walk
Quality Time 2 hours weekly Doing activity together
It’s appropriate to include time for learning together It is also very desirable that they should have one regular shiur (study period) in a section of Torah which is of interest to both, such as on the weekly Sedra, or on a timely subject connected to a particular season or festival… (English letter of the Rebbe — dated 12 Menachem Av 5737)
Quality Time
Once in a while Short couple’s vacation
Quality Time Additional (weekly) time: To discuss problems that arise
Many are the sayings of our Sages, including also our Rebbes of saintly memory, who urge husband and wife to discuss matters of mutual concern and to give attention to the opinion of the other and then act in mutual agreement. (English letter of the Rebbe — dated 12 Menachem Av 5737)
Deposits and Withdrawals In day-to-day married life, we have two types of interactions:
Deposits — strengthen the connection
Withdrawals — weaken the connection
Deposits and Withdrawals
Deposits
Positive phone call or text
Preparing coffee
Remembering birthday
Active listening
Buying gift
Sharing in their pain
Doing something else while talking
Criticism
- Examples -
Cynicism
Withdrawals - Examples -
Dismissing their opinion
Disrespectful speech
Lack of acknowledgement
Saying a good word
Lack of appreciation
Coming home late
Deposits and Withdrawals Learning what deposits and withdrawals are
Identifying them
With time we come to recognize the deposits and withdrawals in relation to our spouse
Communicate
We should speak openly about them so we can properly understand each other
Assess the significance
Some deposits and withdrawals are more significant than others, as we learn over time
Deposits and Withdrawals In our marriage, we should try to make as many deposits as possible
Withdrawals
Deposits
Recommended to initiate at least 3 deposits each day
We can also mention the deposit when needed to ensure it’s realized
Summary Two oxygen pipes of marriage Quality time
Deposits
Getting to Know Your Spouse Getting acquainted ֲשר ְיצַוֶׁה ֶׁ ִּכי יְדַ עְ ִּתיו לְ מַ עַ ן א אֶׁ ת ָּבנָּיו וְ אֶׁ ת בֵּיתו אַ ח ֲָּריו
“For I have known him because he commands his sons and his household after him…”
לשון חיבה כמו (רות.כי יְדַ עְ ִּתיו ִּ
For I have known him: An expression of love, like (Rus 2:1) “a kinsman ( )מו ַֹדעof her husband”; (ibid. 3:2) “And now, Boaz our ָׁ )וָׁאֵ דָׁ עby kinsman (( ;”)מ ַֹדעְ ָׁתנוShemos 33:17): “and I shall know you (ֲך name.” But, in fact, the primary meaning of them all is none other than an expression of knowing, for if one loves a person, he draws him near to himself and knows him and is familiar with him.
ישה (שם ג) ֲהל ֹא ב ֹעַ ז ָׁ ִב) מוֹדַ ע לְ א ָׁ מ ֹדַ עְ ָׁתנו (שמות לג) וָׁאֵ דָׁ ע .ֲך ְב ֵשם ואמנם עיקר לשון כולם אינו אלא לשון ידיעה שהמחבב את האדם מקרבו אצלו ויודעו ומכירו
(Bereishis 18:19 with Rashi)
) עם רש"י, יט,(בראשית יח
Loving someone
Knowing them
Getting to Know Your Spouse Knowing about each other אינו אוהב הקב"ה אלא ועל פי,בדעת שידעהו ,הדעה תהיה האהבה אם מעט מעט ואם .הרבה הרבה '(רמב"ם הלכות תשובה פרק י )'הלכה ו
One can only love Hashem [as an outgrowth] of the knowledge with which he knows Him. The nature of one's love depends on the nature of one's knowledge. A small [amount of knowledge arouses] a lesser love. A greater amount of knowledge arouses a greater love. (Rambam, Hilchos Teshuva 10:6)
Loving
Knowing
Getting to Know Your Spouse You can ask questions to get to know your spouse better
?
Where were you born?
?
?
In what area of your life have you had the most success?
?
?
In what ways are you different than your parents?
Who was your childhood best friend?
?
What is your favorite subject of study?
What character trait of yours would you like to improve?
?
What is your favorite food?
?
What is your biggest fear?
Getting to Know Your Spouse Sharing with each other regularly Couples share and update each other on their daily schedule, how their day went, and the like
Expressing Our Feelings Sharing our emotions Couples share their feelings with each other — both positive and negative
Positive emotions
Negative emotions
I felt satisfied by…
I calmed down when I heard…
It I felt felt angry angry
I was very frustrated when…
I’m happy about…
This really moved me
I felt alone
That disappointed me
Expressing Our Feelings
When your spouse is vulnerable and shares their feelings, provide them with
Empathy
Expressing Our Feelings Expressing positive feelings towards our spouse Besides for sharing general feelings, it is important to express our love and appreciation towards our spouse regularly
I appreciate you
I love you
I enjoy speaking to you
It’s a pleasure to be in your company
Expressing Our Feelings Expressing positive feelings towards our spouse Try to be as specific as possible in explaining why you feel this way
הנה אנו רואין שהדיבור מוסיף אור , שעל ידי שמדבר בה,בהאהבה מאיר בו אור האהבה ביותר ומתפעל יותר בנפשו באהבה וחיבה לדבר ההוא )'(ספר המאמרים תרנ"ט עמוד ה
We see that words add to love. Through talking about it, we cause the love to shine brighter and become further ingrained within us. (Sefer Hamaamarim Ranat, p. 5)
Expressing Our Feelings Expressing positive feelings towards our spouse Try to be as specific as possible in explaining why you feel this way “Expound on Her Virtues”
A shliach who was going through a rough patch came to the Rebbe. After describing all his struggles and tribulations, the Rebbe gently asked him about his relationship with his wife. The Rebbe asked him an unusual request, to write down on a paper the current relationship status of his marriage despite the difficulties of being on shlichus in a distant city. The shliach did as he was told and at the bottom of the note added “perhaps there wasn’t so much of a need for me to expound about the virtues of my wife.” The Rebbe crossed out the word ‘wasn’t’ so that the sentence remained as “there was a need for me to expound about the virtues of my wife.”
)72 (זרעים של חכמה עמוד
Expressing Our Feelings Expressing positive feelings towards our spouse
Try to be as specific as possible in explaining why you feel this way
In order to feel, you must contemplate their virtues
השכל הבריא מחייב שכן הוא גם באהבת שבאה על ידי טיב ההתבוננות,ישראל במעלת חבירו
Logic dictates that the same is true for Ahavas Yisroel. The love for a friend comes from contemplating his virtues.
) קובץ 'התמים' חוברת ד' עמוד מה,(כ"ק אדמו"ר הריי"צ
(Frierdiker Rebbe — Hatamim, issue 4, p. 45)
Keeping the Connection Even While Apart Close even from afar
Even when each spouse is occupied with their daily activities in different locations, they should maintain feelings of closeness and contact as appropriate
Keeping the Connection Even While Apart Proper division of chores
Every couple should map out a division of responsibilities in a way most beneficial for both of them
Finding Favor in Each Other Finding favor
Even after the initial period, both spouses try to dress, speak, and act…
…in a manner that will charm and appeal to the other spouse
Finding Favor in Each Other Emphasizing the good Spouses should try to always see and stress the positive aspects in their shared life and family, as well as the positive traits of the other spouse.
על פי פסק רבותינו ז"ל שגדול השלום בין איש , מובן שעליה להשתדל בזה ככל האפשרי,לאשתו ,ובפרט שהרי זה גם אשרה של בתה והנכדים שיחיו ובפרט כמודגש בתורת החסידות,ונצטוינו בתורתנו שנוצר,וביחוד בשיחת כ"ק מו"ח אדמו"ר הידועה ועין ימין עין יפה מורה,האדם בעין ימין ועין שמאל שעל איש הישראל צריכה להיות ההבטה באופן של וכיון שנצטוינו על זה.לראות בו את היפה והטוב בודאי שניתן הכח והאפשרות,בתורתנו תורת חיים . ואין לך דבר העומד בפני הרצון,לקיים הציווי )(אגרות קודש ח"כ ע' סו
According to the ruling of the chachamim about the importance of peace between a man and his wife, it is understood that she must work on it as much as possible, since it also affects the happiness of her daughter and grandchildren. Torah commands us, and as it is emphasized in Toras Hachasidus — specifically in the famous sicha of my father-in-law, the Rebbe — that a man is created with a right and left eye. The right eye is the positive one, which symbolizes that when looking upon another Jew we must look at them positively. And since our Torah, the Torah of life has commanded us to do this, we most certainly have the power to do so, and there is nothing that stands in the way of one’s will. (Igros Kodesh, vol. 20, p. 66)