Critic-2023 Issue 17

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LETTERS EMAIL CRITIC@CRITIC.CO.NZ

LETTER OF THE WEEK WINS A $25 VOUCHER FROM UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP

LETTER OF THE WEEK Dear Critic, This is an opinion I have been afraid to share for fear of castration from the indie music scene here in Dunedin. I often hear the term "Surf Rock" thrown around alot with Dunedin bands, which is fair enough, I see the appeal. "Surf Rock" gives off a more personable, I'macoolchillguy vibe compared to plain old "Rock", which might seem a bit contrived and disingenuous. Not to mention that many people in the Dunedin music scene, musicians and listeners alike, are surfers themselves. However (please don't kill me), it's not "Surf Rock".

Most of the indie scene claiming "Surf Rock" could be categorised more correctly as either Pop Rock or Garage Rock. Whilst bands from both these categories might grab their mighty Fender Stratocaster and, after pushing their salty hair from their eyes, grace this world with an Em chord straight from God's teet... it won't quite get there. The Pop Rock band will be too clean. They'll decorate their progressions with maj7 and sus2. There will be almost enough reverb (certainly won't be wet enough). The vocals may include a faint whiff of The Beach Boys, but will most likely fall short of any doo-wop derivative. The Garage band will go too far in the other direction. Too much distortion and not enough overdrive, so any reverb will make the tone go fat and it won't be ear piercingly cutting as per Dick Dale's specifications.

Pure Surf Rock is essentially dead. Lee Harvey Oswald made sure of that. It had its time, but thankfully its derivatives like Garage Rock and its influence on both Punk and Pop music means its soul lives on in the music still being created today. I love the Dunedin music scene, and this letter isn't intended to cause offence... but I also love Surf Rock, the classic Surf Rock, so maybe at a little bit more tremolo picking or make that tone a little more wet, or fuck it, do a little barbershop harmony if you're feeling adventurous.

Please don't hurt me X Dear Critic Chlöe article in this week’s Critic means everything to me that shit fucking is so good. Articulates my thoughts on why people should get into politics and UGHHH so good thank you and Annabelle for ur work.

Dear Patriarchy, Loved the cover and inner photo of the critic. A beautiful allusion to the plight of the white man in modern time. Obviously the Critic is a stand-in for the bible and conservative values. And you are proverbially drowning in a rising tide of wokeness and liberal decadence. Bravo!

LT Editor’s response: Precisely. Glad this wasn’t lost on you thanks to your powers of symbolic deduction.

Dear everyone If you've seen articles about the University of Otago of late, allow me to save your time by summarising the comments sections.

1. "gO wOkE gO BrOkE" - Richard, 41, a casual racist who has only recently learned the term "woke" and is using it to voice his frustration at the fact that that society is starting to move away from revolving around him, a straight white man, as a demographic. Richard has seen some headlines (has not actually read any articles, of course) and thinks he is a genius for clumsily smashing two incorrect jigsaw pieces together. Well done Richard; Scotland Yard will come recruiting any day now, champ.

2. "uNiVeRsItY iS a WaStE oF mOnEy AnYwAy, gEt A rEaL TrAdE" - Dave, 62, a landlord/builder who purchased his first house (of 10) in the 1970s for $40K, doesn't seem to understand that without university-trained scientists, half of his constructions would have been lost to earthquakes, floods, landslides, and sinkholes. He doesn't realise that trades and university education NEED EACH OTHER AND ARE EQUALLY AS VALUABLE IN OUR SOCIETY. It's not a competition, despite how many defensive tradies in comments sections seem to think it is. Catch on Dave, or maybe just continue to jack off to old episodes of Red Shoe Diaries on VHS. 3. Nope, that's pretty much it. There you go, I've saved your time.

-C PS I'm just as pissed at the uni, but the above two opinions are so unbelievably counterproductive it's ridiculous.

IM ISSUE 17 31 JULY 2023

EDITOR Fox Meyer SUB-EDITOR Nina Brown NEWS EDITOR Nina Brown FEATURES EDITOR Elliot Weir CULTURE EDITOR Annabelle Parata Vaughan KAITUHI MĀORI Skyla, Ngāti Hine

STAFF WRITERS Lotto Ramsay, Jamiema Lorimer, Zak Rudin, Iris Hehir

PHOTOGRAPHER Connor Simpson @simpson.photography

DISTRIBUTION Vincent Withers Pedals Dunedin

VOLUNTEER REPORTER: Rauri Warren, Emily Esplin, Hayley Stent

VIDEO TEAM LEAD Connor Simpson

COLUMNISTS FOOD: Charley Burnett @chargrillss

VIDEO EDITOR Sophie Douglas

ADVERTISING SALES Michael Phillipps Nicholas Hanover Anna Casey sales@planetmedia.co.nz 03 479 5361

BOOZE REVIEWS: Dan Muir

VIDEOGRAPHY Hugh Askerud, Isaac Chadwick

DESIGNER Molly Willis

CENTREFOLD Gabriele Berta

SUB-DESIGNER Evie Noad

FRONT COVER Evie Noad

ILLUSTRATION Mikey Clayton @itsspikeymikey Daniel Van Lith @art_by_deeev Justina King @coccinelleart

ONLINE Arlo Hill

READ ONLINE critic.co.nz Issuu.com/critic_te_arohi GET IN TOUCH critic@critic.co.nz Facebook/CriticTeArohi 03 479 5335 P.O.Box 1436, Dunedin Critic Te Ārohi is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA).

Disclaimer: the views presented within this publication do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor or OUSA. NZ Media Council: People with a complaint against a magazine should first complain in writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the NZ Media Council.

Complaints should be addressed to the Secretary: info@mediacouncil.org. nz.

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EDITORIAL:

BEGIN THE WARPATH

I often write these columns with second-years in mind, because that’s usually who reads this magazine. And so I tend to write silly little editorials with fun facts and stories in them because life is already pretty stressful and depressing and the last thing a secondyear wants is another reason to feel existentially anxious. But with only ten issues of Critic left in my time here, I think it’s time to begin the editorial warpath.

I want to outline, over the next few weeks, a series of decisions made by the Clocktower that I find to be genuinely bad. I want to explain why I think they were bad, and I want you to understand what these decisions mean for your future - because otherwise they’re just another sequence of decisions made by faraway bureaucrats in an already-gloomy world. Basically I want you to understand that despite the suits and stigma of a boardroom, the leadership of this university is a fundamentally human enterprise, and is fraught with fundamentally human mistakes.

The first thing I’d like to address is the rebrand, because that’s a hot topic. And before I say anything else, I want to make it very clear that I support the idea at the heart of the rebrand: working with mana whenua to “emphasise… the transmission of knowledge between generations.” I’m on board with it. I like the logo, I like the whole thing.

But I think the announcement was a terrible decision.

The uproar caused by this announcement was going to happen regardless of timing. The racist and bigoted were always going to be racist and bigoted, but the University wasn’t always going to be in a period of financial deficit. In fact, this is literally the worst it’s been since WWII. The decision to go ahead with this multi-million dollar enterprise could have waited - it already took several years to get this far.

BY FOX MEYER

Effectively, what the Clocktower has done has been to arm the otherwise-baseless critics with a genuinely solid piece of ammunition: financial critique. Even if the price tag of the rebrand is dwarfed by the total deficit, their “spending money on image rather than staff” argument does hold water. Even if that amount of water is pitiful by comparison. And now that new tohu - the whole new image that they spent so many years working on - all of it will be associated with controversy about misspending and culling of staff.

Timing is everything for a brand launch. Considering how precious the Clocktower is over their marketing department, you’d think they’d know better.

The decision to rebrand was probably a good one and surveyed responses showed that. The decision to announce it amidst the worst financial storm in the University’s history, I would argue, is undeniably a bad one. It is one bad decision in a long pattern of bad decisions that has culminated in the mass culling of institutional expertise: the very product that executives are hoping will lure an extra 20% of students to campus. From where? And who’s gonna teach them?

I want to reiterate that not ALL of this is the Clocktower’s fault. The funding system they are dependent on is inherently flawed, and ultimately, right now, what we need is a government bailout. But the route that led us to this eventual trainwreck was defined by a series of wrong turns, a pattern of mistakes that has landed us all in a position where nobody wins, abiding by a set of rules that nobody particularly agrees with. And while we can't turn back the clock, we can be very loud about what we want to happen next.

KARERE

A book read by Ken in the Barbie Movie, “Men on Horses”, was written by a Port Chalmers author!

The 1975 protested Malaysia’s antiqueer laws with an onstage kiss at the Good Vibes music festival in Kuala Lumpur. Healy said as he walked off stage, “We just got banned from Kuala Lumpur.”

Elon Musk intends on replacing the Twitter bird logo with an “X”. He'd know a thing or two about those.

Stanford University’s student paper has forced the university’s president to resign following reports of questionable academic integrity.

The student journalist who broke the story said he noticed that papers published by the president were photoshopped and had fraudulent results.

Justice minister Kiri Allan resigned following a reckless driving charge.

Constituents from all sides expressed concern for her

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mental health more than anything else.

The Rock donated seven figures to the SAG-AFTRA strike effort.

Barbie saw the biggest box office opening weekend for a movie directed by a woman. Ben Shapiro loved it! Oh, and the movie’s marketing budget was higher than the actual film budget.

The cost of cocoa is up 25%.

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Students plan to occupy a room on campus from Tuesday August 1 at 11am to protest staff cuts. “There will be music. There will be art. There will be kai.

There will be dance.”

Find them on Facebook and Instagram @ The Everything Room.

Jane Campion requests her film be withdrawn from apartheid Israel’s Jerusalem Film Festival.

The new Domino’s vegan cheese is a big improvement.

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AN OPEN LETT POAG ORGANI Student life is marked by so many indignities that you’re supposed to accept: the cold, the debt, the lack of nutrition, the shift work for petty tyrants. All the labours that make you question your life choices and whether it’ll be worth it for some shining future. It gets worse, though, when we start to think about the looming cuts.

Consecutive governments and the cat’s paw leaders of our unis and polytechs reckon that your efforts to improve yourselves and the world are not terribly valuable.

The tertiary education sector is being starved of the funding that it needs to survive. Not even to grow merely to exist in its current form. While we see massive skills shortages in pretty much every sector across these islands, and problems that demand fresh critical approaches, our universities are facing existential cuts.

Jobs, papers, programmes, departments - the works.

Students, staff, we’re stressed out. We’re working our asses off. The message being sent to us from the Government (almost explicitly from Education Minister Jan Tinetti and Prime Minister Hipkins) is: “Get bloody used to it, it’s gonna get worse.” Fewer courses, fewer academics, fewer support staff. We’ve been told by this institution’s leadership that they want to “do less, and do it better.”

Nah. Even they don’t believe their own PR spin. Doing less is exactly that: doing less. Less of the public good that the University provides.

If you see some long faces among your lecturers, this is why. If you see a lecturer scowling, or break into tears as they fear for their career, family and city; this is why. They face the same brutal amputation of our institution as students, and feel it at least as acutely. Over the last ten years they’ve been through several rounds of restructures, redundancies, and financial forecasts of doom. Every time they’ve been assured, “This will protect the University of Otago from future cuts.” This is demonstrably pure bullshit.

Many opt out of careers achingly devoted to eccentric obsessions and their students, because, well, this place just isn’t what it used to be.

We feel that academics must throw themselves into the arena of a for-profit market and a University Council dominated by local business magnates (and their real estate interests and legal and consultancy firms) in order to justify their contribution to society.

The Protect Otago Action Group (POAG) was formed when plans to cut staff and programmes were announced back in April, when we were told that “several hundred job cuts” were on their way (we’re still waiting for the number!).

Led by a joint coalition of students, staff, and community members, our message is pretty simple: “We can have nice things if we fight for them!”

In a very short period (during which no shortage of consultants and tertiary sector bureaucrats told us we’re wasting our time) we’ve been able to cut through plenty of obfuscation to get our message across. We organised a joyously pissed off 500-strong march on the Clocktower, complete with bagpipes, trombones and, of course, a unicycling ukulele-toting chimp.

We put Chippy and his stooges on blast when they came to campus. In what should have been an easy election campaign photo op in friendly territory, he left town with the image of “Stop Labour’s Cuts to Otago” splashed across national media.

We’ve learned pretty quickly that getting righteously mad and focusing that fury through organisation gets results.

The Acting Vice Chancellor has shifted into a collaborative stance with the Tertiary Education Union (TEU) and the Otago University Students Association (OUSA). Credit where it’s due to Acting VC Helen Nicholson: she signed on to a strong “Save Our Unis” open letter led by the Victoria and Otago student union leadership, and has urged other Vice Chancellors to put on their big kid pants and join TEU and students associations at the adults table.

We forced the Labour Government to give the sector back $128 million. Not only did we prove that there’s blood in the stone, but we’ve been vindicated by Robertson’s admission to what Critic has so deftly pointed out already (notwithstanding the obfuscation of TEC neolibs), that this was money OWED to us. This was not a bailout, but some of what was already allocated to us in the 2022 budget, secreted away through arcane accounting justifications and gesturing at a busted funding process. They even admitted that the current funding mechanisms which produce the Spreadsheets of Doom are not fit-for-purpose.

No shit! A late admission, but a welcome one.

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TER FROM THE ISING COMMITTEE So, shout out to you. To every student, every worker, every community member who has been refusing to let their anger be only thoughts and words. Words might make you feel better, but action gets the goods.

Make no mistake, every dollar is welcome, but this is a bit of a piss take, isn’t it? Not only does this $128 million promised for 2024-2025 not cover what was promised but never delivered - it’s also recovered from university feesfree schemes that were never delivered. The Government is (under)funding our university through the very student debt that they promised to alleviate.

To be cynical, it looks like Labour is trying to take student protest off the board for this election season by doing the bare minimum. Prove us wrong, Labour: back up your acknowledgement of a broken tertiary education funding model with the funds needed to save it from immediate cuts. Heal the wound that you’ve let fester. Hell, we’ll even let you call it a bailout if you do.

But as we’ve been told, this initial funding boost will not save our universities from irreparable harm, it won’t save us from gutting institutional knowledge, identity, and our people. You can’t just turn the faucet of recruitment back on after dealing this kind of damage to a public research institution of this scale. Academia is infamously difficult to recruit to: if you lose academics, then you’re also educating fewer academics down the line. When you’re in an economically healthier position, those educated researchers don’t exist - or certainly not in the numbers they could have. You’ve tossed your expanding knowledge base in the trash, because a balance sheet told you to do so. On top of this, attracting academics from abroad to New Zealand universities is a bloody nightmare, given that you have to convince them to look the other way and ignore the glaring blemishes of a housing and cost of living crisis that makes the rest of the OECD blush.

Which brings us to the current wishcasting by our university’s senior leadership team and University Council, assuring us that we will endure these repeated amputations. But never fear, we will bounce back by attracting more international students. It’s not terribly encouraging, given that this institution has always strategically avoided such a move, and so we’re essentially competing in a global market with institutions far more

practised than us. But perhaps we have no cause for worry: surely we’ve paid the external consultants at NOUS many millions of dollars to tell us that this is a smashing plan.

This cuts to the heart of our recent pamphlet ‘The Fictitious University’. You may have seen this charming wee manifesto on campus. The core idea is that we are so thoroughly colonised by market logics that our institutions are gambling on imagined future students, and pretending to be gobsmacked when literally anything deviates from their modelling. This paradigm is a continuation of the same neoliberal magical thinking that has stripped our public bare of resources and made us all beholden to consultants.

Reactionary pundits may toss their excuses around, but the proof is in the pudding: enrolments at the University of Otago dropped less than one per cent after recordbreaking levels of enrolments, and now our institution is on the rocks. Six out of eight universities in the country are facing serious financial hardship. Shit’s fucked.

And it’s not going to fix itself. Politicians like to take the credit every time they finally do something. But the truth is: nothing actually gets done without pressure. A lot of the time that’s money-up lobbies working behind the scenes.

We don’t have wealthy lobbies, we have something better: people with a shared experience of injustice.

The revolutionary potential of students is something rich assholes have always been terrified by. Why do you think the head vampire of neoliberalism was invested in smashing student unions? But numbers and rage don’t coalesce into action spontaneously. We organise ourselves.

We put pressure where it will move the needle. We speak, we challenge, we confront, and importantly: we grow.

That’s where you come in. That’s where you join us. Every one of you reading this can have an outsized impact on this movement by showing up, bringing your perspective, and growing POAG’s organising capacity. So, let’s stay mad, and let’s get organised.

Responses to this open letter can be sent to: critic@critic.co.nz.

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Student Locked in Eleven Bar Shares Story

By Iris Hehir

Staff Writer // iris@critic.co.nz

Years-long legal ordeal “horrific” for witness Eleven Bar’s liquor licence has not been renewed, following the Dunedin District Licensing Committee’s decision that the nightclub is “unsuitable” to supply and sell alcohol to students and the general public.

Former bar staff, police and student customers testified against the Octagon nightclub. Allegations included alcohol and drug abuse on the job, lack of adequate staff training, breaching COVID-19 violations, allowing in underage patrons and facilitating an unsafe environment. The proceedings focused heavily on an incident wherein two young female customers were locked in an upstairs room and subject to “unwanted sexual advances” from the owner’s associates.

Margo* was one of the young customers sexually harassed that night, and describes the following legal ordeal as “a total shit show” that’s lasted far longer than she expected. She was 18 years old when the incident occurred and was 20 by the time she testified in court.

It was St Patrick's day and, per student tradition, Margo had been drinking since 9am. “I had recently moved away from my parents and hometown, alone, and was excited for the fresh start of studying in Dunedin and entering this new phase of my life,” she explained. Her face covered in green paint and dressed in an oversized hoodie, Margo says she was “clearly a young student” and “the last person that should have been targeted” by the owner and his friends’ “disgusting actions.”

Margo says the bar had already closed when she was invited into an upstairs space by owner Nikesh Singh.

Before she could enter, however, she handed over her phone at the request of a staff member. From that point on, inside, Margo says she and her friend were served free drinks ostensibly “in the hopes of lowering [our] inhibitions” and sexually harassed whilst locked inside “by a group of mostly married men probably older than my own father.” Eventually, Margo says she had to be saved by the bar’s own staff. A female employee approached her for “girl chat,” warning that the men were trying to take them home before unlocking the door to let Margo and her friend out.

One of the men, Margo says, told her he had a wife but had fallen in love with a young girl and proceeded to cry before abruptly telling her “I want to fuck you, very hard.” This statement would haunt Margo for longer than she could know, in a court process she describes as “horrific”.

“I felt super antagonised by Eleven Bar’s defence lawyer.

I understand that’s her job, but she was a total pitbull.

She kept bringing up the man saying he wanted to fuck me very hard. Hearing that being repeated over and

CW: This story contains descriptions of sexual harrassment

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over again, I started crying on the stand. It felt like I was reliving the night.”

The decision reached by the Committee has been a long time coming for Margo, who says she felt disappointed in the venue’s enduring popularity amongst students. However, Margo also understands it was one of the limited bar venues still open for students, a position she believes granted the owners a lot of power.

“At one point, even I felt pressured to return. It was only three weeks later I actually processed what happened.

At the time I brushed it off as I assumed being a young girl, this treatment was something I had to accept in these spaces. It wasn’t until the police and my friends conveyed how fucking disgusting it was that I fully realised what happened was wrong.”

Margo said that although she stopped going to Eleven, her closest friends kept attending the club. She told Critic that because of the venue’s cheap drinks and young atmosphere, many students felt it was the only place they could go in lieu of a "proper" student bar. It was a "happy medium", with the known risks outweighed by the lack of alternatives - even for people who knew what had happened to Margo inside those doors.

While the activity of Eleven Bar has since made waves in the media, including two Critic investigations, local bartenders Rob and Henry say the venue’s “seedy” environment was an open-secret amongst hospitality workers around the Octagon.

“It was pretty much what we expected,” says Rob, a bartender at Albar. “All the bars around here knew how bad it was, you know, creepy, seedy old men. But we knew COVID-19 regulations were what would really get them. We watched police come in and set up cameras.

Nothing surprising. People would work there for two weeks and quit, so you had to know something was wrong.”

Henry, a bartender from Social Club, confirmed that “everyone who works in hospo” knew about the “seedy” nature of Eleven Bar: “I’m happy about the decision and that it’s all been put to a stop, and hey, more customers for us.” *Names changed.

Disclaimer: The subject of this piece is known personally to the author. The events described herein are matters of public record.

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Heartbreak for the Otago Nuggets in Semi-Final

By Hugh Askerud Staff Writer // hugh@critic.co.nz

The basketball team, not the post-town treat Dreams were crushed in Auckland on Saturday, July 22 when the embattled Otago Nuggets found themselves at the tail end of a 114-103 loss to the Canterbury Rams.

Critic Te Ārohi can’t believe it either. A team that started the season with seven straight wins in the Sals National Basketball League have found themselves kicked to the curb in the semi-finals of the esteemed competition.

“Who are the Nuggets?” we hear you asking. Nothing much, they’re just Otago’s pre-eminent basketball side, boasting an impressive roster of both international talent and esteemed scarfies to boot. If that’s not enough reason to gaf, the main sponsor to the Nuggets is Night n’ Day, a business which many students will likely have a key share in. So strap in for a whirlwind tale of joy, tragedy, and hope as Critic Te Ārohi extraneously details the Otago Nuggets’ path to both demise and glory this season.

Coming off a championship-winning season in 2022, expectations were high for an Otago Nuggets line-up once again coached by the charismatic Brent Matehaere. The team looked much the same but for the curious inclusion of commerce student Robbie Coman in the starting line up. Finding his knack as a forward, Coman came to be a regular feature in the team after playing with a tenacity only found in the streets of studentville. The ODT stated earlier in the year that Coman could be a “cult hero in the making,” a statement adequately reflecting how the nuggety student has found his way into fans' hearts this season.

With Coman at the helm along with Aussie import Michael Harris and hometown hero Sam Timmins, the Nuggets quickly rocketed into pole position, securing a series of spectacular wins that would serve to shock the nation.

Going for their eighth consecutive win, the Nuggets would come up short against the Auckland Tuatara. With self confidence shattered and injuries rife, the team managed to win only 1 of their next 5 outings as things appeared to be taking a turn for the worse. Yet cometh the hour, cometh the man, with that man being the legendary New Zealand player Tai Webster. With Webster installing life back into the squad, the Nuggets managed to beat two of their fiercest rivals, the Canterbury Rams and the Franklin Bulls, in games which would come to define who would go into the playoffs as second seed.

Then all fell quiet. The Otago Nuggets had secured an automatic spot in the semi-finals of the competition alongside the Auckland Tuataras. In time they would duke it out with the highest ranked victor of the quarterfinals: the Canterbury Rams. Team talks were had, prayers were softly spoken, and the two titans tipped off in what would prove to be a game infused with agony.

The Nuggets started well with a 33-23 lead in the first quarter. Webster managed to grab 14 of these 33 initial points, proving he had the basketball chops to best his older brother, the fiery Corey Webster, who had made himself at home in the Rams roster. To consolidate the lead, coach Matehaere looked to bring on Coman before being told the larger-than-life character had inadvertently been left off the team sheet! A harrowing look of sorrow glossed Coman’s face as he sat down, unable to enter the game despite his obvious willingness. “Seems like an inside job to me,” said one Timaru-based fan.

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Image: Blake Armstrong

Coman’s exclusion proved to be the first in a series of officiating decisions that left fans publicly questioning the calls made by umpires. One perturbed ODT commenter wrote in frustration, “Our umpires need retrained, terrible calls all night.” Others labelled the controversial figures “armchair refs,” clearly upset by the deference to a Canterbury Rams side which would go on to beat the Auckland Tuatara 93-82 in the grand final. Another year like that and the team could soon boast a reputation akin to the Crusaders amongst begrudging Dunedinites.

Score aside, the public outpour after Saturday evening's loss depicts how important the Otago Nuggets have become in the lives of many. Sam Timmins said it best when pouring out his heart to cameras after the tragic loss: “It means something.” For this reason, the team walked away all smiles on Saturday. The Otago Nuggets have come to occupy a key space in the cultural lexicon of Dunedin society, capturing both hearts and minds on their way to a game which will forever be remembered in the halls of history.

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Otago Proposes Geology Department with 30% Staff Cuts

By Fox Meyer

Editor // critic@critic.co.nz

[Insert pun about undermining the University]

Otago University was founded on geology and medicine, and has recently targeted both with considerable budget cuts.

According to documents seen by Critic Te Ārohi, the Geology Department is facing a proposed reduction of about a third of their staff, despite boasting the title of 2022’s top research department in the Division of Sciences per the Performance-Based Research Fund.

Full-time equivalent (FTE) positions are set to drop from 14.1 to 10.85, and technical/professional staff are set to drop from 9.35 to 5.7 FTE. Health Science, often seen as the favourite child, is not safe either, with 36 staff already accepting voluntary redundancy: 3% of the department. Geology’s cuts represent 30%.

The Commerce Department, on the other hand, seems to be shouldering the lightest weight of the lot. Perhaps ironic given the commercial storm facing the University.

So far, the University has lost 107 staff to this round of voluntary redundancies. According to a report from the Clocktower, these include 14 from the sciences10% from humanities, 22 from operations, and 17 from other administrative roles. Only eight have come from Commerce.

Dr. Mike Palin, a Geology staff member taking voluntary redundancy, was both exasperated and furious. He said that “we knew something was wrong” all the way back in September last year, when second- and third-year students started leaving their degrees mid-semester – and not just in geology. “We’ve never seen that before,” he said. Mike speculated that the Clocktower noticed this, too, so he was perplexed as to why they would forecast a 4% increase in enrollments with that in mind. Now, to shore up the $60 million deficit created by that forecast, the Clocktower is targeting academic staff in Geology and beyond. Science Communication, for example, is set to be almost entirely dismantled.

This is not the first time staff have been culled to save on overhead costs.

In 2021, then-Vice Chancellor Harlene Hayne implemented the Support Services Review (SSR), which sought to cut support staff from individual departments and create a centralised support team that could shift around campus.

The five divisions it created include Ask Otago and Client Services. The move was tipped to save the University $15 million a year.

But it did not go entirely according to plan. Far more staff had to be hired following the SSR than initially expected: an OIA (Official Information Act) that we received in 2021 showed 170 staff were ultimately hired to replace the “trimming” of 160 positions. Many of the people let go were long-term departmental support members, and they took a wealth of institutional knowledge with them. The new support pool was unable to completely fill the gaps.

Even though student enrolments are still a net positive, the University is faced with the need for even further savings, with staff cuts again at the forefront.

Client Services, for example, expected to see staff numbers trimmed from between 340–380 FTE to just 284. As of Denzel Chung’s reporting in 2021, this total had actually grown to 373: 31% higher than budgeted.

The Clocktower conceded this week that in one or two instances, staff members may have been brought back on fixed-term or casual appointments to help support their previous position.

What was meant to save millions of dollars in operating expenses actually ended up increasing the number of staff on payroll. Now, even though student enrolments are still a net positive, the University is faced with the need for even further savings, with staff cuts again at the forefront. This time, academic staff are in the firing line.

But it wasn’t all due to the SSR. Acting Vice-Chancellor Helen Nicholson cited a wide variety of building projects as the biggest recent expenses. These included Te Rangihīroa College (funded up to this point without debt), the Eccles Building, and the new Dental School. Moreover, though, earthquake strengthening of several buildings across multiple campuses seemed to be the biggest culprit. No properties have yet been sold.

Aside from cutting staff and selling assets, the University is aiming to increase student enrolments by a staggering 20% with a focus on internationals. The Geology Department, ironically, had carried a 15-20% international student population until the pandemic, putting it well ahead of the 15% international cap for the overall university.

The Geology Department was given three weeks to submit a counter proposal to the Clocktower. Mike said that the Head of Department, Dr. Andrew Gorman, has been “terminally optimistic”, and has been “a hero” for the department. He’s working “really, really hard” to design a proposal that would save all positions that haven’t already accepted voluntary redundancy.

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Student to Get the Dogs Out for Dunedin Half-Marathon

By Hugh Askerud

Staff Writer // hugh@critic.co.nz

“Shit, I don’t know why I’m doing it.”

In the upcoming Dunedin halfmarathon on September 10, third-year Geography student Christian plans on running barefoot in the name of mental health awareness. Most of us will barely leave the house to put the bins out without chucking on a pair of slippers (there’s glass around these parts, to be fair) let alone getting the dogs out for a whopping 21km. Critic Te Ārohi caught up with the madman for a yarn about this feat that will undoubtedly leave both spectators and his mum stunned at his mental and physical fortitude.

Chris said that the idea “just came to me” after he began considering his own mental struggles from years prior. And as a subbie at Carrington, Chris had become accustomed to seeing the consequences of poor mental health within the students he

talked to on a daily basis. Eventually he decided he wanted to do “more to create change,” targeting the marathon as a way to raise money and “get people talking” about the pertinent issue.

As you’d imagine, training barefoot in North D hasn’t exactly been a walk in the park. Unless that park was actually a dump. And made of broken glass. “Glass [is] the number one issue during the run,” admitted a downtrodden Chris. He took aim at the plight of ‘bottling’ on Castle St, stating that he would rather run the entire marathon barefoot than run 1km through the student heartland.

“It’s pretty fucked,” he said. “You just know they wouldn’t be throwing bottles if they weren’t drunk and surrounded by all their mates.”

Though Chris’ main goal for the run is to raise money, it’s also been an opportunity for him to tap into a movement which he admits a heavy affection for: ‘grounding’. It’s based on the belief that bare feet activity is better for you physiologically that began in response to muscle problems coinciding with the advent of technological advance in cushioned soles. Chris told Critic that grounding acted as a really effective anti-stress mechanism, stating there were a number of mental benefits you could “pick up from the Earth’s energy.”

Though he admitted to this sounding “a bit hippie-ish”, he vouched for the movement's validity and potential benefits for the future, and he invited everyone to support his run.

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PUZZLES

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BROUGHT TO YOU BY MAZAGRAN KEEPING CRITIC CAFFEINATED

CROSSWORD ACROSS:

14. Best Picture 1943

1. Aang's final boss

17. Hermione (2)

4. OG sneezing meme

20. Trims, as a lawn

7. Eleven's favourite snack

21. Spanish beer with "Damm"

9. The connection between this week's highlighted answers (3)

24. Deck extras

10. Delicacy from the deep

27. Maker of 7A

11. Lacking knowledge 12. Davy Jones' game of choice

26. Binge drinking apparatus 28. Read quickly 29. Taffylike 30. Sour

DOWN: 2. Marty from Madagascar

14. Consequence-free American terror org.

3. Suppose

16. Mooer

4. World Series game

18. C.L.U.E.

15. Forbid

5. Babysitters

19. Vampire trait 6. Liv Tyler's "Lord of the 20. Swap tongues (2) Rings" role 22. Polecat 7. Ethiopia neighbour 23. Purple shade 8. Like Chlöe S 24. (With 25D) Happy 13. VFX co. behind Star 25. (With 24DP), Wars, Jurassic Park, etc Framed bouncer?

The (#) tells you how many words are in the solution. If a clue doesn’t have a (#), it’s a one-word answer.

Answers in the grey boxes are all connected by the bold clue.

WORDFIND CONEHENGE DEGREE SMELLS BAREFOOT GHOST KITCHENS PATRICK STUMP

ISSUE 16 PUZZLE ANSWERS ACROSS: 1. OBOE 4. WRONG 7. SURF 9. IMPLANTS 10. DWARFS 11. GLEN 12.

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TIMGUNN 15. CONSTABLE 18. GREENEGGS 21. SISTERS 23. OLIVE 24. NORTH 25.

SEVEN 27. CAN

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SUDOKU

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Make up the 9-letter word hidden in these blocks, using every letter once.

R E F T I E P C M

R T A S E U C E R

T R B A E H R E S

T P M U U D C R K

S E R E B I B R O

I S E R G A S E T

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ĀHUA NOHO

CULTURE

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THE SEARCH FOR

CONEH The cone is doomed to sit idly in your flat or hall before finding itself once more back on the street, reversing all the good done by the original act of stealing it in the first place.

There must be another way...

ĀHUA NOHO

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HENGE

BY HUGH ASKERUD – ART BY DAN VAN LITH

Ahhh, the simple art of cone theft. Over the years many have loaded a number of descriptions onto this noble craft: thrilling, devious, psychotic even, but pointless? Many have dared to make this bold assertion, calling cone theft ludicrous for the fact that the art has no purpose. And…to some degree these cone bashers do have a point. Sure, the absolute rush of committing the crime is something to be dreamed of. You think jovially of how sick you look carrying a trophy which proudly signals your delinquency. There’s a point in that, undoubtedly. But then what? What to do with your trophy?

If you’re an arts and crafts fiend, you will make a bong or a nice hat, but how many of us are arts and crafts fiends, really?

No, the cone is doomed to sit idly in your flat or hall before finding itself once more back on the street, reversing all the good done by the original act of stealing it in the first place.

There must be another way.

The humble folk of Queenstown certainly thought so. And thus Conehenge was born, a structure giving stolen cones purpose beyond the initial act of theft. Originally called the ‘Wakatipu Vessel’, the structure is a sculpture composed of a statuesque waka structure on top of two three-metre plinths.

Seemingly frustrated by the Council’s bureaucracy and the amount of cones in the city, residents re-appropriated the statue for their own needs, throwing collected cones in the waka to pile into a grand mass. The culture of Conehenge took off and it is now a weekly ritual for the Council to retrieve the cones, only for them to be thrown back into the waka again the next week. What simple joy that structure must provide to cone thieves throughout Queenstown.

slide off. Sure, you could try to create a stack - or there’s the option of throwing cones through the flat window - but some would suggest that may destroy the peaceful and innocent ethos which is fundamental to cone theft culture. For these very reasons, the top of the clocktower can also be excluded as a potential candidate, although Critic Te Ārohi does admit that would be pretty legendary if anyone fancies a go at it. We may even reward you with a free Red Bull, as a treat.

The next potential location for project Conehenge is the fountain that sits at the end of the Botanical Gardens. Custom built with its very own moat, getting cones to the top of this behemoth would be a challenge for even the burliest of shotputters. Yet the challenge would make sticking a cone up there all the more satisfying. Plus, there’s the chance you may get a bit of a splash for your efforts, a marker of how absolutely naughty you have been. You know it, your flatties know it, and the world knows it; you’re not someone to be messed with when you walk out of the Botans soaking wet, firm in the knowledge that you have won glory in the field of battle. Yet therein lies the problem. We as students do enough to make the humble Botans staff upset (looking at you, Knox), so why not give them a break on this one, eh? Leave the fountain in its majesty for ducks and overly excited children to frolic in.

Dunners’ cone culture is undoubtedly superior to the measly Queenstown efforts, yet students have struggled to come up with an ingenious tactic to give the art of cone thievery a kick in the backside. Here in the Otago University community we love to give back, which is exactly why our very own Conehenge is necessary. So without further ado, here is a shortlist of a few spots Critic Te Ārohi suggests may act as suitable Conehenges for future generations to come. Finding these spots was no joke for our team of fine investigative journalists: one must find a spot not too hard to reach, but also visible enough to make the venture satisfying or else the joy of the venture would be lost.

This takes us to our final stop. There is only one place Conehenge could really be. A place we love as much as we hate, a place we fear as much as we crave: the top floor of Central Library. Simple as it may seem at first glance, hiding a cone on the top floor of Central Library actually presents a significant challenge given the fact that library staff are constantly on alert. Those beady-eyed library assistants will keep you honest – there’s no hiding a metre-high cone from their watchful eyes. Oh, but think of the reward! Once you hit the top floor, library assistants are no more. The cone you have successfully snuck in will sit untampered with until the apocalypse. How satisfying it would be to watch this hidden horde grow, as staff and students pass by, blissfully unaware of the total conage. Plus, the library is only heavily guarded in the day. Sneak in any time past 9pm and you’ll have it much easier. If this doesn’t sound like you, Critic Te Ārohi also recommends placing them on the random skinny statues in the centre of campus.

One potential spot could be The Cone - the flat with the orange beast as its namesake. Already a cone sits atop the roof, unreachable by residents or pesky landlords. The cone is perfectly placed, a beacon of cone culture on the streets of Leith. Yet there’s a catch: on this cone-shaped roof, there is only enough space for one cone. Any additions would simply

The cone’s life should not end in the desolation of the flat.

We must be better. Only in finding Conehenge is a future for the art of cone thievery ready and waiting. Critic Te Ārohi has supplied a few examples of possible Conehenge sites but, when it comes down to it, it is the people who must decide.

One small action is enough to change a cone’s life.

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ĀHUA NOHO

CULTURE

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DEGREES AND HOW THEYSmell

A WALKTHROUGH OF THE ACADEMIC PERFUME AISLE

By Rose Mills & Lotto Ramsay – Art by Justina King

Computer Science:

The worst. Just the worst. Have you been to the comp sci labs in the science building? They absolutely reek. They never shower because they don't want to get their electronics wet. Yuck.

Natural Sciences:

Distinct aroma of mud, weed, and septum piercing. Strangely alluring.

ĀHUA NOHO

SPEX:

I bet they reek, but also they might shower heaps because they have nice bodies and they want to enjoy them. Real toss up, this one. Depends on the time of day.

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Law:

Lizards can’t smell, so who knows. Probably booze.

Film:

Nothing. An odour as empty as their souls. Maybe they have that weird neutral smell of an empty mouth. Or blood. A sanguine smell.

Like they’ve crawled out of their mother’s basement. The scent of unbrushed teeth. Also of cigarettes, but not in a good way. Hard to avoid their breath odour because they are constantly talking.

Med:

Politics:

Dent:

Like Lynx Africa to mask the fact that they haven’t showered in three days. It’s the scent of stress mixed with poorly-devised coping mechanisms.

Avoid.

History:

Musty, like a jacket that you just got from the op shop. You can just tell it’s been there for years.

They smell like the back part of SaveMart, or a gentrified mothball.

Like over-caffeinated coffee and cheap perfume.

Repulsive, but in a familiar way, like brake fluid made from fish oil.

Theatre:

Lucky Charms - or actually Cool Charm or Impulse Victoria’s Secret perfume. The female equivalent of Lynx Africa. Nauseating and will give you flashbacks.

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7 OF OTAGO'S LESSER-KNOWN INVASIVE SPECIES AND HOW SATISFYING THEY’D BE TO HIT WITH YOUR CAR

There are a lot of invasive species in Aotearoa. There are also a lot of cars.

Aside from the infamous rats and possums, there’s everything from pine trees and deer to finches and perches, and they all pose threats to our native ecosystems. There are also species that have been brought over and naturalised but aren’t considered invasive pests, like our introduced frogs, and also Americans. Otago’s unique landscapes and colonial history means that it is also home to some unique invasive species, some of which aren’t found in many other places in the country – and some of which you might not have heard of.

WALLABY

At least five species of wallaby – the smaller, cuddlier cousin of the kangaroo – have been introduced to Aotearoa from Australia, and two are now considered invasive pests. One of them, Bennett's wallabies, are mostly found in Canterbury. Their territory also encroaches parts of North Otago, although the regional council controls them in Otago to try to keep them at bay. They may be cute, but in the big numbers they are found they can destroy fences, pastures, crops, and native bush.

Threat level: 9/10 Management programme: Eradication (for Otago) Would it be good in a pie?: Absolutely. This already exists for a reason.

Satisfaction of hitting it with your car: 4/10. Risk outweighs reward. While small enough, it could still write off your car. Bonus points if there's a joey in the pouch, though.

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CHAMOIS

The Alpine chamois is a relative of goats, and looks like a small mountain goat. Like many invasive species, the chamois was introduced in the early 1900s, in this case near Aoraki / Mt Cook from Austria. They have since spread across the South Island, including the popular ski mountains around Queenstown. They are popular game animals, and are apparently quite tasty, but also do a lot of damage to important native alpine plants. These animals also perform the important social work of uniting conservationists and hunters over a common goal.

Threat level: 6/10 Management programme: None (hunting licences available though).

Would it be good in a pie?: Definitely. Even better than wallaby, but probably like $2 extra.

Satisfaction of hitting it with your car: 0/10. Terrifying. Horrific. Horns through the windscreen. Do not attempt. Think of the SOUND.

BANANA PASSIONFRUIT

To throw a plant into the mix, the banana passionfruit is native to Latin America and found in a few specific spots like the Otago Peninsula, Mt Cargill, and Quarantine Island. Banana passionfruit produce pretty pink flowers that then become (as the name hints) a unique passionfruit that is yellow and roughly banana-shaped. Despite a pleasing colour scheme and yummy fruit, these plants are vines that can climb up to 10 metres high and smother native vegetation so rallying community groups to weed them out is important in places where they threaten indigenous biodiversity. Bonus fact: passionfruit are named for the Passion of Christ, as they display a cross when sliced open.

Threat level: 6/10 Management programme: Site-led (weed control from community groups).

Would it be good in a pie?: It would be good ON a sweet pie, but they’re quite bitter and filled with crunchy seeds. Bad texture.

Satisfaction of hitting it with your car: 10/10. Like popping bubblewrap but with your car. It’s like they were made for this.

LITTLE OWLS

If you’re lucky enough to have heard ruru (morepork) calling out at night while camping, you may know that it is the only native owl we have in Aotearoa today. Around Otago however, you’re actually more likely to come face to face with a little owl. Little owls are only slightly smaller than ruru, but are plumper, paler, and have eyes that stare more deeply into your soul. Little owls prefer grasslands or abandoned buildings rather than the forests where ruru are found, and are more likely to be out and about during the day. They’re also called German owls, probably because they were introduced from Germany in the early 1900s in an (unsuccessful) attempt to control sparrows. Little owls do eat small birds, as well as lizards, frogs, and mice, but mostly feed on insects. They are not a major threat to any native species, except perhaps the Cromwell chafer beetle due to their scarcity (we’ll come back to them shortly).

Worth a special mention are the barn owls (your archetypal Hollywood owls), which have flown over to New Zealand on a number of occasions but have never formed a population; and the laughing owl, a native owl species that went extinct so recently (1914) that there are black and white photographs of this sublime bird.

Threat level: 3/10 Management programme: None.

Would it be good in a pie?: I hate that this sounds delicious but let’s be honest…

Satisfaction of hitting it with your car: 1/10. Shame.

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REDBACK SPIDERS

If you thought the katipō was the only venomous spider in Aotearoa, let me introduce you to the redback spider. The redback spider is closely related to the native (and endangered) katipō, as both species are in the same genus of spiders; the black widows. Redback spiders, however, are smaller, faster, and deadlier; they outcompete and interbreed with katipō, posing a big threat to the natives. A relatively recent problem, they were introduced into the country in the 1980s from Australia and now thrive in New Plymouth and Central Otago.

The aforementioned Cromwell chafer beetle is a critically endangered native beetle that is only found in a 0.81km² reserve in Central Otago, and in recent years redback spiders have used rabbit holes in the reserve to build webs and hunt the chafer beetle, posing a massive threat to the population. Invasive spiders are very hard to control, but scientists have found that filling in the old rabbit holes has reduced redback numbers in the reserve – a lifeline for these special beetles.

Threat level: 9/10 Management programme: None.

Would it be good in a pie?: Nooo no noonnon nonnno noon n nono noooo Satisfaction of hitting it with your car: 0/10, they’re far too small. If they were bird-sized, I would be actively swerving into them, and this would easily be a 10. Pop!

ROOK

If you think you’ve seen a crow around Otago, it was probably a rook. We don’t have any crows in NZ, but rooks come from the same family and look like a scruffier, moodier, slightly larger crow. They were introduced in the 1860s, and have been causing massive headaches for farmers ever since thanks to all the crops they destroy. They are very intelligent birds and quite social too, forming colonies of nests known as rookeries, which means any attempts to control them have to be coordinated and well thought out otherwise they just spread further.

They are now more common in the North Island, but there were once thousands of rooks in Otago before eradication efforts brought the population down to less than 40 in the region as of last year. No new chicks have been reported in the region in the last six years, meaning there may no longer be a breeding population at all in Otago. Bad news for witchcraft, but great news for farmers.

Threat level: 6/10 Management programme: Eradication.

Would it be good in a pie?: Yes! Like chicken, but smarter.

Satisfaction of hitting it with your car: 5/10, they should know better, but it still feels bad.

The screams…

ROCK SNOT

Didymo, also pejoratively called ‘rock snot’, is a species of phytoplankton or microalgae native to the northern hemisphere that was first detected in Southland in 2004. Since then it has spread to many rivers in Otago, Southland, and Canterbury – including Otago’s Clutha river, the largest in the country – but has successfully been excluded from the North Island thus far. When it blooms it forms large snotty mats on riverbeds that have been texturally compared to “soggy toilet paper”. And just like soggy toilet paper, it is good for nothing and can cause a lot of damage. It impacts water quality and harms native ecosystems, and can be a hazard for swimmers, hydro dams, and drinking water supplies. It can be spread from one river to another by a single drop of water, so it is a legal requirement to properly clean your clothes or gear for didymo when leaving any river, lake, or stream in the South Island.

Threat level: 8/10 Management programme: Check, Clean, Dry. Would it be good in a pie?: No. Could you market it to vegans anyway? Yes. Satisfaction of hitting it with your car: 8/10. Fun and slidey, but you have bigger problems if you’re somehow driving on didymo.

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By lotto Ramsay & Arlo Hill – Art by Mikey Clayton

ARONUI

Out of Out of Sight, Sight, Out of Out of Mind Mind Dunedin is saturated with cheap, easy food joints within walking distance for most students, yet more and more are offering delivery through third-party apps like UberEats. Too many, in fact – some of the restaurants offered on delivery apps don’t actually exist as physical stores. The team at Critic Te Ārohi investigated these shadow restaurants in Dunedin, or what happens when restaurants go “dark”.

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Most local restaurants have to have a presence on delivery apps like UberEats or DeliverEasy to get by, with many increasing this presence by becoming “dark kitchens”, or delivery-only restaurant franchises.

According to the UberEats website for merchants, dark kitchens are restaurants that only sell via online food delivery services – their menu items can only be ordered online and have to be delivered, with no dine-in option available. There’s also “ghost kitchens”, which are usually defined as a subset of dark kitchens. These are large businesses that operate solely out of commercial kitchens without a brick-and-mortar storefront that customers can enter. In this manner, ghost kitchens can circumvent almost all startup costs (and occasionally health regulations) to enable YouTube fuckos to spawn hundreds of delivery-only locations.

“Virtual restaurants'', on the other hand, are the lesserknown but more prevalent counterpart to true ghost kitchens. They’re a type of dark kitchen that operates out of an established restaurant with a physical storefront.

They are propped up within brick-and-mortar restaurants but tend to function as their own distinct brands with separate menus (or occasionally the exact same menu, with a price markup). Take Biggie’s Pizza, for example, which owns four virtual restaurants, including one that sells poutine through their online menu called All Gravy Baby. When our reporter tried to order in person, however, he was shit out of luck. He eventually placed an order for All Gravy Baby on DeliverEasy, only to pay to have it delivered all the way from Biggie’s kitchen to where he was seated outside.

Think of it like this: owning a virtual restaurant is like having a private account on social media to keep your spam and memes separate from your main, while ghost kitchens are like getting bots to make all of your posts for you.

However, feel free to take these definitions with a grain of salt (delivery fee included). This information is from an UberEats guide for merchants that details setting up a virtual restaurant, which seems to be ridiculously easy and with a less spooky name to boot. It’s no wonder that UberEats seems to encourage businesses to set up virtual restaurants; UberEats charges a commission fee of 30%.

While Critic has not identified any true ghost kitchens currently haunting our streets, there are over a dozen virtual restaurants on delivery apps in the Dunedin area that lack a corporeal body. However, they do list addresses on delivery apps, and by cross-checking almost every restaurant’s location Critic is here to serve our main takeaways on dark kitchens in Dunedin, from Huzur Kebab to Night ‘n Day.

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Your Guide to Dunedin’s Dark Kitchens: Bowl’d and EGG’d: Pita Pit Pita Pit, the multinational chain known for pitas and wraps, has three listings on UberEats. Capitalising on the donburi bowl or “buddha bowl” (blegh) trend is their delivery only dark kitchen: Bowl’d. Their other franchise, EGG’d, is basically just egg sandwiches. Bowl’d and EGG’d both list their UberEats address as the Pita Pit George Street location. As is the case with many dark or virtual restaurants, Bowl’d serves the exact same rice and salad bowls as Pita Pit, just with pre-selected and more marketable options – that are also more expensive, of course.

Jimbo’s Fried Chicken and Orleans: Dunedin Social Club These two trendy-looking fried chicken restaurants are just Social Club under a different name, in case you want to pay extra for bar food. Note: though previously open, both restaurants are listed as ‘unavailable’, with a limited menu for Orleans and shorter hours for Jimbo’s. Workers at Dunedin Social Club commented that the virtual restaurants aren’t really part of their “business model” anymore.

Sweets N Vibes and Kebabs N Chips: Huzur Kebab Surprisingly, locally beloved Huzur Kebab is absent from UberEats, but you can get your munchies fix through Kebabs N Chips. Sweets N Vibes is apparently just Huzur’s Ben & Jerry’s fridge, with the same address and slightly different flavour options. According to the DeliverEasy app, Huzur Kebab is “exclusive to DeliverEasy'' where they launched prior to joining UberEats, which may explain the name change.

White Goat Curry Corner: Mela Eatery George Street’s Indo-Nepalese curry joint has two restaurants on UberEats: the physical store Mela Eatery, and the virtual-only kitchen White Goat Curry Corner.

Unlike some of the other restaurants that subdivide their menu into more clickable options, Mela and White Goat Curry Corner have the exact same menu, but White Goat curries are a couple bucks cheaper – enough to have a ‘$’ rating instead of Mela’s ‘$$’ which may aid price-related filtering in the app.

All Gravy Baby, Nugg Life, Nacho Daddy and Calzones: Biggie’s Pizza NYC-style pizza joint Biggie’s Pizza has four delivery-only virtual restaurants on DeliverEasy, as well as Biggie’s Pizza, the physical store they’re based in. With catchy, punny names like Nugg Life and Nacho Daddy, they were pretty easy to spot as dark kitchens, with typical niche foods on offer (and a DeliverEasy exclusive to boot).

Just Wing It: Emerson’s Brew Bar Though more of a rebranding than a dark kitchen, we’re doing our duty to let you know that Just Wing It is actually Emerson’s Brew Bar. While Emerson’s aren’t on UberEats as themselves, meaning they aren’t using the virtual restaurant strategy to increase their scrolling real estate, getting wings from what looks like a small, dedicated wing store is that much more appealing than paying an arm and a leg (plus delivery) for chicken from a beer brand. Still, whatever floats your foam.

Dessert King: Pizza Bella/Burger Bella Interestingly, while Pizza Bella/Burger Bella no longer operates here as its main franchise on UberEats, they have a presence as Dessert King as a waffle shop.

Ben & Jerry’s North Dunedin: Night ‘n Day (North D) Night ‘n Day on Regent Street don’t sell Ben & Jerry’s, but also they do. Ben & Jerry’s North Dunedin is a separate Uber-only store run out of Night ‘n Day. When we asked the manager if you can buy Ben & Jerry’s ice cream from the in-person store (which would be awesome), they replied, “Actually, no, and I have no idea why.”

Burgers with Bite and Sir Benedict: The Coffee Club The Coffee Club in Meridian Mall (which apparently people go to) is part of a large multinational franchise that owns several virtual restaurants, among which are Burgers with Bite and Sir Benedict, a breakfast/brunch UberEats store. In a 2021 interview from QSR Australia, their international brand manager described their virtual restaurants as geared towards “millennials”, which explains a lot, actually.

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How to spot a dark kitchen/virtual restaurant: Here are five common traits of virtual restaurants. While not universal, these can give you a pretty good idea of what to look out for and how to know when to check before you order.

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2.

3.

It’s unfamiliar. Dunedin is pretty small, and students tend to know local food joints like the back of your Macbook. You usually hear about new (physical) restaurants that turn up, so if something is nearby on a delivery app and looks unfamiliar, it’s worth going to the ‘info’ section and double checking that address.

It’s got a catchy name. Virtual restaurants are based entirely online, and are therefore marketed to be as clickable as possible, so they tend to feature punny or flashy names that make you want to check them out.

Their menu is based around a single (usually trendy) food type. Think USA- or Korean-style fast food, poke bowls, and street food. Virtual kitchens are usually the subdivided menu of another business, so tend to

offer simpler menus that are dedicated to a trendy, marketable product versus a diverse menu you’d see in person.

4.

It’s heavily marketed in-app. Merchants on Uber pay for the deals and promotions that make them turn up on your feed first, as well as affecting your personal recommendations.

For virtual restaurants, this is usually essential.

5.

It’s delivery-only and/or app “exclusive”. Virtual restaurants can’t offer pick up or dine-in options, and are sometimes listed as exclusive to a certain delivery app. At least they’re open about it.

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“Partnering and supporting your local cafe.” It’s technically true, if “local” means “The Coffee Club in the mall owned by a multinational franchise.”

(Left: Burgers with Bite. Right: The Coffee Club. Not that it matters)

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It’s always good to know where your food is coming from even if you do decide on ordering from a virtual restaurant. Most of the time, you can easily confirm this by googling the address listed and seeing what’s at the location.

Nowadays even virtual restaurants are struggling, but they were certainly profitable during the pandemic when many of them first opened. It makes sense: more restaurants equals a higher chance of being noticed on delivery apps (especially when they’re marketed to be shown first), and it does mean that it can be easier to find what you’re after. Unless you knew beforehand, you wouldn’t think to go to Pizza Bella when you’re craving waffles – and they do look pretty yum. However, though relatively harmless, the subdivision of brick-and-mortar restaurants into different online stores can give the wrong impression, and does feel slightly deceptive.

The way in which virtual restaurants tend to sell dedicated trendy food items gives the impression of a specialised indie food joint, which is especially appealing to modern young consumers who want to support what looks like a “new” local business. When restaurants can create dark kitchens so easily – and are encouraged to do so by delivery apps – it’s hard to know if you’re supporting a cool new burger place (where you’d assume local ingredients and ownership) or buying from a huge multinational franchise like The Coffee Club.

The level of openness about dark kitchens also varies between restaurants, and the faceless manner of virtual restaurants also takes away from your options as a consumer.

All of the local businesses we chatted to were quite open about having virtual restaurants linked to their addresses – even the staff at Pita Pit, a multinational franchise,

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readily pointed us to a kiosk where they openly had their virtual brands linked. This is distinct from the way many dark kitchens operate, where ownership of their restaurants is kept well out of view.

Finding out that The Coffee Club’s virtual restaurants were owned by them and not a separate ghostkitchen type franchise took a bit more digging, though the Burgers with Bite website maybe hints at it with their slogan: “Unethically sauced since 2020”. Documents we uncovered from The Coffee Club’s retailer hub details “compliance information” for restaurant branch owners, emphasising to check that no Coffee Club packaging or receipts can be included with Burgers with Bite orders: “It’s essential to the credibility and success of Burgers with Bite that the two brands are kept completely separate.”

When virtual restaurant branding is separated in this way, it takes away both choice and awareness for consumers, while adding a higher price tag. Fractioning restaurants into single-food type retailers means that you could easily order your fix from what you think are two restaurants and have them delivered from one, after paying the delivery and service fee twice (like we did for this article).

Restaurants can easily open as many virtual stores as they like, taking up a substantial amount of space delivery apps, swallowing competition, and creating the illusion of choice. What’s more is that virtual restaurants can’t really be reviewed; delivery apps only show averaged star ratings, with no option to see individual customer feedback or reviews.

If you knew that The Coffee Club were actually Burgers with Bite and often receive 1-star ratings and negative reviews for their food on Google, you might be much more hesitant to order from Burgers with Bite. While the easy setup of virtual restaurants

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provides the opportunity for trialling new and interesting food, it often leads to redundancy, high markup, and an oversaturation of identical products. On UberEats, The Coffee Club sells a ‘Crispy Chicken Strip & Bacon Burger’ with chips for $29.90, while a ‘Barnyard’ burger from Burgers with Bite is $24.50 – but chips will cost you an extra $15. And yep, you guessed it – they’re the exact same burger.

The illusion of an authentic, dedicated small business that virtual restaurants provide often means that consumers are more likely to be okay with paying a higher price for what they think is a specialty product. Brands are aware of it, too: on UberEats, Burgers with Bite also sells smoothies and coffee, which are under the header “Partnering and supporting your local cafe.” It’s technically true, if “local” means “The Coffee Club in the mall owned by a multinational franchise.”

Though getting more customers through owning virtual restaurants can be a great way for (actual) small local businesses to stay afloat, even that can have its downsides. UberEats takes away a 30% commission from each order delivered by their drivers, whether from a virtual restaurant or a physical one. Though most places charge extra for their food on delivery platforms to compensate (plus other fees), it seems like even virtual restaurants can feel the heat of the competing market, with businesses like Mela Eatery opening cheaper restaurants as dark kitchens. We all know UberEats can be a godsend when you’re stuck at home with the munchies, but we tend to forget that many local restaurants offer delivery through their own websites. Without the cuts from third-party delivery corporations, restaurant delivery or getting off your ass and dining-in is a much better way to show your appreciation.

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y l k weespecials SOMETHING TO WATCH Endangered Species Aotearoa Streaming on TVNZ On Demand (so, free!), this is a more hands-on nature show than your classic David Attenborough documentary. It is hosted by conservationist Nicola Toki and comedian Pax Assadi who visit spots around the country in search of threatened native species. Pax doesn’t come into the show being a bird nerd, and makes the show incredibly relatable by asking stupid questions, getting freaked out by giant wētā, and refusing to climb any more steps halfway through a hike. Both Pax and Nicola inspire contemplative passion about our native species in a series that is aweinspiring, informative, and hilarious. Well worth a watch.

SOMETHING TO READ

Maharaja’s menu Next time you’re at a Maharaja’s BYO, or ordering online, take some time to read the whole menu. Mixed Paneer Tikka Platter – “Better than tofu lol”. Chicken Kadai – “Order medium spice & thank me later”. Lamb Methi – “No it doesn’t contain any illegal substance”. Need I say more?

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SOMETHING TO LISTEN TO JC’s Tryna Be Alive A cult classic Spotify playlist that has floated around for at least four years, but more people deserve to hear John Campbell’s extensively curated playlist for trying to stay cool and hip. Our most treasured broadcaster still updates this playlist every few weeks and it is designed to be played in order – “NO WAY SHUFFLE! NO WAY!” as the description makes clear. It is genuinely full of incredibly smooth rap, R&B, and jazz songs that are a welcome addition to many of my own playlists. If you need some new music, go and see what John Campbell has to offer.

SOMETHING TO GO TO Movies for the International Film Festival So dope and so many good ones. Here are some of our faves: Asteroid City, the new Wes Anderson (Saturday, August 5 at 6:00pm). How to Blow Up a Pipeline, which is exactly what it sounds like (Friday/Saturday, August 4th/5th, 4:15 and 8:15 respectively). Billion Dollar Heist, about how a typo thwarted an Indian bank job (Tuesday August 8th, 8:30, or Monday August 14, 1:30). Late Night with the Devil, about a real-life late-night broadcast in the ‘70s featuring psychics, magicians and Satanic possession (Friday/Saturday, August 18th/19th, 5:00 and 8:30 respectively). Shin Ultraman, the Japanese reboot from the studio behind the stunning Shin Godzilla (Monday August 7, 8:30, and Sunday August 20, 4:45). And finally, Sisu, which sounds like a Finnish Inglorious Bastards, with a run time “entirely made up” of killing Nazis in ever-more-cathartic ways (Friday August 4, 8:30, and Tuesday August 15, 8:30).

SOMETHING TO SUPPORT The Vietnamese Women’s Football Team The Women’s FIFA World Cup has arrived in Dunedin and my god has it been spectacular.

The Netherlands and Switzerland are the teams who have thus far conquered Forsyth, so let's all get behind the Vietnamese Women’s Team who play The Netherlands on Tuesday the 1st of August. My reasoning is plain and simple: an underdog is always good.

Plus I have American flatmates and it will allow me to play some serious socio-political mind games, as they have a bit of a history of underestimating the Vietnamese. We’ll see if the Dutch make the same mistake. See you at the game! Also, these are literally the cheapest FIFA tickets you will ever see in your life. Be there or be square.

SOMETHING TO CANCEL Glorifying true crime, or simping over the perpetrators The Jeffery Dahmer series and Ted Bundy movie were legit so icky – they gave so much screen time to people that had committed monstrous acts without really paying much mind to the impact they had on the world around them. It’s alright to be fascinated by modern monsters, and true crime is probably the oldest genre in the world, but you don’t need to glaze over the fact that these people were fucking losers. They were insufferable and would probably smell awful, too. Don’t glamorise it, and definitely don’t try to monetise the stories of the dead for YouTube clickbait. Yuck. If you’re gonna do true crime, do it right; it should make you feel horrible, not entertained. Oh and by the way, use the code Critic10 for ten percent off when you sign up to Squarespace! Alright, back to the violent murder.

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O I D AU A U S VI P O DR S K C KI

O AL P S

RANGITAKI

They’re only second-years, but The Audio Visual Dropkicks have dropped in big to the Dunedin Sound, already playing a fair share of ski club parties and even following Hans Pucket on the road for two shows last month. Critic Te Ārohi chatted with the band about their freshly released EP ‘Greenhouse’.

The Audio Visual Dropkicks are Kaia (rhythm/vocals), Jeremy (bass/vocals), Shaarav (drums) and George (lead). AVDK’s origins start before any of their time at university. George and Jeremy were first to play in a band together, starting in high school after growing up together as family friends. Both went to Carrington College as first-years where they decided to keep the band going but needed a new drummer post-move. Very keen to kick off uni being in a band, it was Shaarav who answered the call in a group chat.

“It all happened fast,” shares Shaarav. “They had a bunch of original songs already written. We were like ‘we could play a gig

by Friday’.” And that’s exactly what they did, having their first practice on Sunday to then playing a gig for their entire hall on the following Friday. Kaia joined the band at the start of this year after a unanimous decision in response to a band lineup change. “They wanted a girl. They thought it’d be a point of difference,” Kaia jokes.

She received the call on the high of just attending a music festival, recalling her reaction as saying “this is the best day of my life.”

The band describes their sounds as maximalist, while also incorporating themselves into the larger streams of surfy-indie-alt rock. “Music that a lot of people can pick up quickly and sing to,” says Jeremy, describing this shared

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experience as one of his favourite things about making music. They all contribute to the songwriting. “It’s really cool to aim to take our experiences and our feelings, and ones from our friends, and be able to try make songs that feel like that,” says Kaia. AVDK are also inspired by the scene itself. “There’s been a whole lot of really exciting local bands paving the way for us and [who] have been real big inspirations,” shares George. The band agrees they’ve lucked out coming up as a band at this time.

Their debut EP ‘Greenhouse’ released last Friday. The five tracks span from older songs to new ones written in their current iteration. Kaia puts it best: “It’s a representation of everything that we have been, and an indication of the different things that we want to be going for.” Their lead-up single ‘Ceviche’ is one of their most enduring tracks from their high school days. It’s a dreamy, longing number that George describes as “school dance meets ‘Under the Sea’.” It’s changed as the band themselves have changed and grown older, but retains emotion that Jeremy describes as “reminiscent of some of the feelings [and] romantic experiences of that period…

There’s a song on there for everyone. It’s pretty diverse, but it’s definitely all us.”

AVDK celebrates the release of ‘Greenhouse’ with their EP release gig this Thursday, August 3, at U-Bar. They’re opened by The Beatniks and IVY. Over the next month they’ll also be embarking on a South Island release tour with stops in Wanaka, Queenstown and Christchurch.

In-house designer Shaarav has designed some merch for the release too that you’ll be able to cop to support them. You can stream ‘Greenhouse’ and keep up with AVDK on socials @audiovisualdropkicks.

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STEAK SALAD

It's mid-winter. Buy wine instead of a box and use the excess money to buy feta and orange kumara. You deserve it. Get the veggies in and get the flu out. Life’s short, eat good food and your body will thank you.

INGREDIENTS:

DIRECTIONS:

600g of rump or blade steak (this is the cheap kind but if you’re like me and steak is wishful thinking then you can always sub it out for tofu)

1 orange kumara

Turn the oven onto 180 degrees fan bake. Place the steak on a chopping board and cover in salt and pepper on both sides. Use this time to think about all the terrible things you had to do in order to afford steak.

Leafy greens (e.g. spinach)

Salt

Mung bean sprouts

Oil

1 beetroot bulb 5 potatoes Half block of feta cheese Pepper

Let it sit while you chop up the kumara, potatoes and beetroot into bite-sized chunks. Place them in a baking dish, drizzle with oil, and add salt and pepper. Cook for 20 minutes or until cooked through. It might pay to give them a stir halfway, so they don’t stick to the bottom.

Heat oil in a pan on high heat. Add the steak when the oil is hot and cook for 2-3 minutes on each side depending on how thick the steak is. Check that the middle is cooked before leaving to rest for a minute or two. Medium rare or no deal. Cut the steak across the grain into slices.

To plate. A bed of spinach. Add the mungies. Then add roasted veggies and top with feta. Tuck in and enjoy the church road drop.

FIND ME ON INSTAGRAM

P.S. We were meant to add a grain like couscous or quinoa to this to bulk it up but couldn't be bothered. Adding a few cups of a grain would be very beneficial to your food churner. Sweet chilli on top would also be yummy. Enjoy.

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BOOZE REVIEW:

MAJOR MAJOR

BY ALBERT EINSTEINLAGER

DUDE, before MAJOR MAJOR came into my life, I would have never had the confidence to drill a hole into the Vice Chancellor’s office and fill it with bees, but now with MAJOR MAJOR I’m living my true university experience! Let’s all go break bottles on the try-line of Victoria University's first XV rugby pitch. I’m studying a bachelor’s of partying, majoring in MAJOR MAJOR. BRO! Did you know that the crisp apple flavoured MAJOR MAJOR is the closest thing to fruit I’ve had all year? It tastes totally wicked. The flavour is so authentically apple I’ve been shitting liquid all year, just like I did on that all fruit diet. Sick! I can’t believe I butt-chugged a MAJOR MAJOR in the quad last week while slacklining with my hacky sack team. My girlfriend even said my butt tasted like apples! I haven’t seen a doctor in months!

SIS! Why aren’t you at the party? Your tummy hurts?

Well lucky for you, I had a couple of the nerds whip up a MAJOR MAJOR made with ginger ale, specifically designed to combat that crummy tummy! There’s no reason to ever stop drinking when MAJOR MAJOR is available! Woo! Now the panty raid can commence. You better watch out, Cumby Hall, we’re coming for you! No consequences, and no preservatives either!

BREATHA, can you believe it? Last night I drank a box of MAJOR MAJORS, drunkenly stumbled into a nerdy goth girl and knocked off her glasses, only to discover a smoking hot babe underneath. We’ve been dating ever since and it looks like we’re gonna have plenty of time to “study” while we both retake MATH160 during summer school. I have a plan to help both of us pass MATH160 without ever going to class, and it involves me, the Otago University management, and a couple boxes of MAJOR MAJOR. BRUV, my plan worked a little too well. Management agreed to give us the pass on MATH160 for a few more boxes of MAJOR MAJOR, and one thing led to another, and now the University is in a $60 million deficit and more than 100 staff are being made redundant! Whoops! That’s the last time I use alcohol to meddle with academic bureaucracy.

At least until I get my hands on another box of MAJOR MAJORS. Tasting notes: Quite radical, leaning towards totally wicked.

Chugability: 7/10. That ginger can be a little gnarly, man.

Chris Hipkins!

Hangover depression level: 4/10. No harshin this buzz, Kobayashi.

Overall: 8/10. Riding the wave in a MAJOR way.

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Hi Orbalicious, I am so done with Gen Z’s dating ecosphere because what the fuck is rizz? I hate Bumble, Hinge, Tinder and Snapchat and my phone in general but it feels like that’s the only way people go about dating now. What happened to boomer tactics like asking for someone’s number or taking me down to the milkshake bar? I am a normal person of average value to society so I’m not expecting special treatment or anything but I don’t understand why it is so hard for me to go on a date without using some godforsaken app. Advice on how to succumb to the void and/or feel less out of the loop? Am I just clapped or is it the world’s fault as I suspect?

Birth Date: 30/07/04, 10:42am Location: Malaysia SUN:

MOON:

RISING:

LEO

CAPRICORN

LIBRA

Sun determines your ego and identity.

Moon determines your inner emotions and subconscious.

Your rising sign is your outward persona and how you express yourself to the world.

Having a Leo sun means you’re outgoing, larger than life and can definitely outdrink anyone. Chances are you’re loud, bubbly, and love the finer things in life. But, you can also be obnoxious or over selfcentered.

Having a Capricorn moon means you are hard working, practical, logical, and don’t beat around the bush. You have a desire for success and money, and may prioritize your ambitions over your emotions or personal relationships.

Having a Libra rising means you really are THAT bitch. You’re the main character and nobody can tell you otherwise. You love to express yourself, but at times can be restless, easily influenced by others, and indecisive.

Looks like the only love you're getting this week is tough love. Perhaps it’s your Leo sun's inflated sense of self-importance, or your Libra rising belief that you are the main character, but it appears it may be time to do some self-reflection. While I do agree that it’s pretty cringe how our generation has become more enamored with our phones than genuine human connection, sometimes you have to meet people halfway. Judging by your birthday, I’m going to guess that you're 18 or 19 (depending on when this is published) so I’m going to assume that your dating pool is Dunedin men aged 18-21. Now, dating a 18 to 21 Dunedin male is basically the equivalent of dating an 8-year-old boy who just got told he has to wear a rain jacket over his superhero t-shirt (seriously, have you seen how they react to being asked to wear a condom? “I don’t want to!” “It’s uncomfortable!” “I don’t wanna hide it!”). Given their lack of emotional intelligence, it’s no surprise that they have to express themselves through fish photos on Tinder or ask “u up x” at 2am. With this in mind, it’s time for you to recognise that Dunedin is not the place for Prince Charming to come and sweep you off your feet. Or, if your craving for love and affection is so strong, maybe you should try making the first move. It’s 2023, gender roles are no longer what they used to be, and that seems like the Leo thing to do. Or, maybe it's time to try dating in a different city or age group. It’s time to stop being so jaded and cynical. Learn to embrace the digital era, and make it work for you. Flip the script, baby!

I hope one day your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, XOXO, Orbtago Want answers to the burning questions and troubles in your life? Send your query, birth date, time, and location of birth to orb@critic.co.nz The Orb takes no responsibility for the consequences of your actions based on its advice. The Orb cannot be legally held accountable for any damage to property, people or thing including but not limited to arson, adultery, betrayal or defamation which may occur as a result of our advice.

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HOROSCOPES AQUARIUS Jan 20 – Feb 18 To get through the last few weeks of winter, treat yourself to your favourite comfort foods. Think ramen, mashed potatoes, pasta. All the carbs you can dream of. Make the most of hibernation, baby!

Habit to break: Picking your nose.

TAURUS Apr 20 – May 20 You are entering your comeback era.

It’s time for you to girlboss too close to the sun, and achieve all your delusional hopes and dreams.

Keep gaslighting and gatekeeping. Also, wear a blazer this week.

Habit to break: Being a doormat.

LEO Jul 23 – Aug 22 Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Habit to break: Leading people on accidentally.

PISCES Feb 19 – Mar 20

If you were a snack, you’d be the soggy french fry at the bottom of a McDonalds bag. Some people think you’re a nice surprise, others think you’re a salty flop - beauty is in the fry of the beholder, after all.

Habit to break: Being a “yes” man.

Habit to break: Having an attitude problem.

GEMINI May 21 – Jun 20 To all my gemini driving baddies, this is your reminder to get your car checked. You really shouldn’t keep ignoring that check engine light. While you can be unhinged, it’s best your vehicle isn’t.

To all my dearest little scorpions, please accept this as a metaphorical hug.

You've been having it tough recently and need a little extra love.

Give yourself a pat on the back this week and splurge on your favourite coffee.

Habit to break: Negative self-talk. You’re gorgeous, darling!

CANCER Jun 21 – Jul 22 There is this thing you can do called "leaving the house". You should try it some time. It’s pretty fun.

Habit to break: Lacking accountability.

Habit to break: Overspending.

VIRGO Aug 23 – Sep 22 Virgo, try branching outside of your social circle this week.

Ask out your local mysterious barista, or make friends with the person next to you in class. Human connection is so lost these days, ugh.

Habit to break: Overworking yourself.

SCORPIO Oct 23 – Nov 21

ARIES Mar 21 – Apr 19

Turbulent and stressful times ahead, my fellow pisceans.

If you feel the urge to scream into a pillow and throw your salt lamp out the window, allow yourself to do so.

There is nothing worse than pent up rage and anger.

LIBRA Sep 23 – Oct 22 Oh Libra, it’s tough when people just don’t catch your drift. Try not to get bogged down in the trivial topics of the everyday.

Instead, embrace the magic of the gift we call life.

Habit to break: Being delusional.

22 – SAGITTARIUS Nov CAPRICORN Dec 22 – Jan 19 Dec 21

Sagittarius? More like SWAGittarius.

You have rizz for days! Don’t listen to the haters who tell you that you’re lame.

You’re actually really cool and totally not insane.

Habit to break: Dating five people at once.

Imagine hating Taylor Swift. Fucking cringe, get a better take.

Habit to break: Starting beef in the flat chat.

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Get your story featured and win a sex toy with thanks to ATMS

On the Rag I was just about to leave for uni, so me and my girlfriend at the time wanted to tick as many boxes as we could. We had a pretty kinky sex life – think like, rough rough – but at that point our sex had mostly been box-ticking, so to speak. However, on one fateful and particularly horny day when I asked if she wanted to have sex, she hit me with the: “I don’t wanna just have regular sex though… I wanna do anal.” I’m not a huge fan of anal, but she was super keen for it so I was in the mood, too.

Much like all underprepared youths, I went into it guns blazing, cock hard, and no lubrication whatsoever, believing that sheer willpower, determination and horniness alone would suffice. Yeah, this was a bad call, but I tend to learn from my mistakes. And misstrokes. I soldiered on, and went in completely dry. Honestly, I wasn’t thinking about it – and by the sounds she was making, neither was she. It felt kinda mediocre for normal sex, but pretty fucking good for anal. I had no idea that anything had gone wrong, until…

I finished, and thrusted deeper into her. Normally, that’s a pretty good move, but then I pulled out, and something felt wrong. I stared down in shock. There was blood all over her ass. I was starting to panic as she nonchalantly checked, but she was (relatively) unscathed, and told me she felt perfectly fine. We both started mopping up the blood – it was everywhere, pooling in my hands, covering her asshole and…my cock. It was coming from my fucking cock. I’d heard of ripped banjo strings and

popped balls by that point, and I was losing it, prodding at my cock and praying to whichever god I’d offended the least that I still had feeling in it. There was so much blood I couldn’t tell which part of my genitals it was coming from, but I didn’t want to think about it too much.

“I need to get to the hospital. Now.” I offered her my car, but it turns out she couldn’t drive, like, at all. Fuck. I chucked on some pants and hobbled to the kitchen to grab a rag, holding it against my cock as I drove us one-handed to the ER. My girlfriend was concerningly nonplussed about the entire ordeal, even though the dickblood rag was red by the time we got there. So there I was, pants off, cock out, in front of the most jurassic doctor I’ve ever fucking seen. This old-ass man confidently grabbed my penis and rolled my foreskin back like he was skinning an animal, and started just jabbing at it. With the blood gone, I could see that the blood was coming from a massive gash almost half the length of my cock. I had managed to slit my dick open inside this chick’s asshole. I think the doctor assumed I’d tried to fuck a vacuum cleaner or something, but when I awkwardly explained it was from anal he gave me some ointment for of the infection risk, and told me I couldn’t have sex for at least a month. I think I gave it like a week, tops.

I learned nothing though, and still have unlubricated anal sex with partners that can’t drive to this day.

Have something juicy to tell us? Send your salacious stories to moaningful@critic.co.nz.

Submissions remain anonymous.

SNAP OF THE WEEK SEND A SNAP TO US AT @CRITICMAG. BEST SNAP EACH WEEK WINS A 24 PACK OF

SNAP OF THE WEEK

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Contact the ousa exec for any queries questions or demands regarding making student life better.

WEDNESDAY 02 AUGUST THURSDAY 03 AUGUST FRIDAY 04 AUGUST SATURDAY 05 AUGUST SUNDAY 06 AUGUST

Lunchtime Concert - Viennese Classical Period Works MARAMA HALL 1PM / $10 WAGED / $5 UNWAGED The Audio Visual Drop Kicks - Greenhouse EP Release w/ I.V.Y and The Beatniks U BAR 8:30PM Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz

The Dud Uglys w/ LIROCA, Erectile Dysfunctioners, and Toatstool THE CROWN HOTEL 8PM / $10

Paul S Allen and Pink Peony THE DUCK 7PM

Leo Lilley w/ Dusty Duke and Downside Up THE CROWN HOTEL 8:30PM Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz

Erica Paterson - Leaving for London: A Farewell Concert MARAMA HALL 7:30PM Tickets from trybooking.com

OMMU, Sewage, Hystera, and Grvdggr THE CROWN HOTEL 8PM

Sofia Machray - Language Of Flowers Tour DIVE 8PM Tickets from undertheradar.co.nz

Celebrity Couples DUNEDIN FOLK CLUB 7PM / $5 / ALL AGES For more gigs happening around Dunedin, check out r1.co.nz/gig-guide

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