Group Collaboration

UNITY IN THE COMMUNITY Bridging Group Drama

DEJA MOO:

When you know you’ve experienced this BULLSHIT before!

EVERYONE NEEDS: Love Energy Attention Power

•INTERROGATOR: COMPROMISING BEHAVIOR

•INTIMIDATOR: COMPETING BEHAVIOR

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATOR: COLLABORATING BEHAVIOR The Middle Way •POOR ME: ACCOMODATING BEHAVIOR

•ALOOF: AVOIDING BEHAVOR

WE LIVE IN AN OCEAN OF EMOTION 4

COMPETING [INTIMIDATOR CONTROL DRAMA] “My way or the highway” “Might makes right” My Way - Forcer Win/Lose FIGHT The Shark Willing to use force when needed Underlying Message “I’m OK, you’re not OK.” One’s power, position or strength settles the conflict Common Actions/Behavior Will take quick action Often has to make unpopular decisions Works with vital issues Acts as protection Attempts direct confrontation Will push others to change Find More Information on How to Protect Yourself from Control Dramas at www.findyourconversationpeace.com

Competing Skills Has the ability to argue or debate Will use rank or influence Will share opinions openly Stands their ground States their position clearly

Overuse of Competing Lack of feedback from others Reduced learning in group setting Low empowerment Surrounded by “yes people” Under Use of Competing Restricted influence Indecision by others Others will be slow to act Others’ contributions will be withheld

COMPROMISING [INTERROGATOR CONTROL DRAMA] “Let’s make a deal” Meet Half Way - Negotiator Win & Lose SHARE The Fox Willing to find a clever solution & split the difference Underlying Message “We’re both sort of OK.” Each party gives up something in order to meet midway, often leaving both parties dissatisfied Common Actions/Behavior Works w/issues of moderate importance Can demonstrate equal power Maintains a strong commitment Finds temporary solutions Often deals with time constraints Plays the role of “backup”

Find More Information on How to Protect Yourself from Control Dramas at www.findyourconversationpeace.com

Compromising Skills Can negotiate well Will find a “middle ground;” able to assess value Assertive and cooperative Focuses on some gains and some losses Gives a little and gets a little Can make concessions Overuse of Compromising Will lose big picture/long term goals Lack of values/trust from others Will end up with a cynical climate Under Use of Compromising Unnecessary confrontations Frequent power struggles Unable to negotiate effectively

AVOIDING [ALOOF CONTROL DRAMA]

“Leave well enough alone” “I’ll think about it tomorrow” No Way - Withdrawer Lose/Leave FLIGHT The Turtle Willing to withdraw Underlying Message “I’m not OK, you’re not OK.” People just avoid a conflict by denying its existence Common Actions/Behavior Works with issues of low importance Can reduce tension; Knows how to buy time Experiences low power Allows others to do first Denies conflict is occurring; Changes the topic Noncommittal behavior; Snide remarks are ok Find More Information on How to Protect Yourself from Control Dramas at www.findyourconversationpeace.com

Avoiding Skills Ability to withdraw Sidestepping Sense of timing Able to leave things unresolved Overuse of Avoiding Lack of input from others Decisions will be made by default Interpersonal issues will fester A cautious climate will arise Under Use of Avoiding Hostility/hurt feelings will occur Too many causes to tackle Lack of prioritization/delegation

ACCOMMODATING [POOR ME CONTROL DRAMA] “It would be my pleasure” “Kill them with kindness” Your Way - Smoother Yield/Lose FREEZE The Teddy Bear Willing to smooth and sooth thing Underlying Message “You’re OK, I’m not OK.” Differences are played down and surface harmony is maintained Common Actions/Behavior Gladly yields (or does so with bitterness) Shows reasonableness Develops performance of others Creates good will and keeps the peace Works with issues of low importance Find More Information on How to Protect Yourself from Control Dramas at www.findyourconversationpeace.com

Accommodating Skills Forgoes their desires for others Selflessness Will obey orders Has the ability to yield Overuse of Accommodating Ideas get little attention Restricted influence over others Loss of contribution from others Complete anarchy Under Use of Accommodating Lack of rapport/low morale from others Exceptions no longer recognized No longer able to yield

Will you choose to REACT [cause & effect] to a control drama or CREATE [cause the effect] a collaborative response?

COLLABORATION

COLLABORATING [NO CONTROL DRAMA] Our Way - Unity “Two heads are better than one” Synergistic problem solver Our Way - Balancer Win/Win FACE/FLOW

The Owl Willing to confront, be assertive & ask questions Underlying Message “I’m OK, you’re OK.” Mutual respect and agreement to work together to resolve results Common Actions/Behavior Can integrate solutions Often involved in new learning Can merge multiple perspectives Understands how to gain commitment Will improve relationships Obtain a copy of Dr. Janati’s free “Teach Peace” full color Collaboration ebook at www.findyourconversationpeace.com

Collaborating Skills Has the ability to listen Will use non-threatening confrontation Will analyze all input Can identify group concerns Strives for synergy Overuse of Collaborating Spends too much time on trivial matters May have diffused responsibility Others may take advantage Will feel overloaded with work Under Use of Collaborating Deprived of mutual gains Lack of commitment by others Low empowerment of others Loss of innovation by all

COLLABORATE

●Stand up for your rights without violating the rights of others ● Allow others to complete their thoughts before you speak ● Stand up for the position that matches your feelings and/or the evidence ● Make our own decisions based on what you think is right ● Face problems and decisions squarely ● Consider yourself strong and capable, and generally equal to other people ● Face responsibility with respect to both the other’s and your situation, needs, interests and rights

●Pursue your best interests without denying another’s rights ● Separate the person from the problem ● Focus on shared interests, “what do we both want/need?” ● Generate options to solve problems ● Stick to the facts ● Show little to no emotion during an interaction ● Choose “I” statements before “You” statements, “I feel uncomfortable when you use that language…”

Benefits of COLLABORATION

You can disagree using a straightforward statement "I don't agree with your understanding of… “ ● You can identify the use of a statement that is not relevant to the conversation. "That's not the point…" ● You can reword negative labels by reframing them into positive words. "I am not being childish; I'm stating my view" ● You can repeat your main point until it is heard without anger ● You can ask questions for clarification if you are not comfortable with a point. "How do you see me as childish or selfish?" ● You can state your feelings by using "I" statements that reflect your opinion about the situation. "I really feel this is important!" ● You can say "NO" directly. ●

WE ARE ALWAYS ONE DECISION AWAY FROM A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PATH

Hocus Pocus Focus

On Your wellness

EMOTION = YOUR ENERGY IN MOTION When You Emote Your Feelings, They Become Energy in Motion

[When You are Calm, You are in Charge] “Control Your Emotions or They Will Control You…”

Tune Them Out & Create a Personal Focal Point

What You Focus On, Expands!

What You Resist, Persists ~Carl Jung Let’s break this down, “What You Resist, Persists…” This means whether you focus on something you want or focus on something you don’t want, you will get more of that thing. Thus, what you focus on, you attract, period. Rather than focusing on what you are against, it is much healthier to focus on what you want and what you stand for, to the positive. Energy Flows Where Attention Goes…

IF YOU NEVER LOOKED FOR ANOTHER PROBLEM; YOU’D NEVER FIND ONE!

FOCUS ON SOLUTIONS

Being PRESENT is a Response

FIGHT FLEE freeze

-FLOW-

During Group Information Sharing: Become a Curious Observer during any drama that arises…

Buddha BELLY Breathes Help You Yield

So You Can Listen

TWO VISIONS = DIVISION

CAN MY GROUP COLLABORATE

through a difficult DISCUSSION?

Meetings

where minutes are taken & hours are lost

FOCUS ON SOLUTIONS…

MELLOW YELLOW

go with the flow

Effective Group Discussion Has defined goals & agreements that are clearly communicated

Is structured [the group intention is results-oriented and understands the group process being used] Consists of competent group members [each one knows what is expected of them and what the group procedure looks like] Has a unified commitment; “for the good of the group”

Moves to collaborate & support one another by recognizing/hearing each member

Group Perspectives: What do I think of you What do you think of me What do I think you think of me What do you think I think of you What do I think you think I think of you What do you think I think you think of me…

HOW TO FACILITATE DIFFICULT SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION…

Hocus Pocus Focus Pre-Group Meeting Prep Work

Pre-Group Meeting Prep Work 1. Imagine each person in your group 2. Write down their names and complete the following prompts for each group member: “I personally [observed, heard, felt] you [doing, saying, being]…

[NOTE: “Observable behavior” is being defined as, “something YOU personally saw them do or say, with your own eyes or ears.” Avoid any rumors, stories or accounts about what someone else may have told you they allegedly said or did. List up to 3 observations per group member.

3. Continue writing… When I observed this behavior/situation, to me, it [looked as if, sounded as though, felt like, meant]”…

4. Keep writing… “When this happens [happened], I feel/felt…” [circle any that apply from the list below] ● afraid ● apprehensive ● dread ● foreboding ● frightened ● mistrustful panicked petrified ● scared ● suspicious ● terrified ● wary ● worried ● annoyed ● aggravated ● dismayed ● disgruntled ● displeased ● exasperated ● frustrated ● impatient ● irritated irked ● angry ● enraged ● furious ● incensed ● indignant ● irate ● livid ● outraged

● resentful ● aversion ● animosity ● appalled ● contempt ● disgusted ● dislike ● hate horrified ● hostile ● repulsed● confused ● ambivalent ● baffled ● bewildered ● dazed ● hesitant ● lost ● mystified perplexed ● puzzled ● torn ● disconnected ● alienated aloof apathetic ● bored ● cold ● detached ● distant ● distracted ● indifferent ● numb ● removed ● uninterested ● withdrawn ● disquiet ● agitated ● alarmed discombobulated ● disconcerted ● disturbed ● perturbed ● rattled ● restless shocked ● startled ● surprised ● troubled ● turbulent ● turmoil ● uncomfortable ● uneasy ● unnerved unsettled ● upset ● embarrassed ● ashamed ● chagrined ● flustered ● guilty ● mortified ● self-conscious ● fatigued ● beat ● burnt out ● depleted ● exhausted ● lethargic ● listless sleepy ● tired ● weary worn out ● pain ● agony anguished ● bereaved ● tense ● anxious ● cranky ● distressed ● distraught ● edgy ● fidgety ● frazzled ● irritable ● jittery ● nervous overwhelmed ● restless stressed out ● vulnerable ● fragile ● leery ● guarded ● helpless ● insecure ● reserved (c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication. Website: www.cnvc.org Email: cnvc@cnvc.org Phone: 505-244-4041

~Feelings by Pulitzer Prize Winner Jim Borgman

5. Keep writing… “As I experienced this [behavior, feeling, observation], I got triggered and started to [turn away, argue, get angry, cry, judge you]…”

“You Can’t Heal It Until You Feel It”

As you can see, the process is to have each group member prepare information ahead of time that they will share with the small group, rather than debate issues.

The group will agree to avoid the blame game. “There are no justified resentments in life because they will only [always] hurt you” ~Dr. Wayne Dyer If you trust the process, you will find that the courage to communicate with awareness is often enough to bring about real change.

6. Keep writing… “What I want/need for us is…” [explain what you desire from this person or group]. Below is a list of common needs to explore. affection ● appreciation ● belonging ● cooperation ● communication ● trust ● empathy ● closeness ● community ● companionship ● compassion ● love consideration ● consistency ● inclusion ● intimacy ● mutuality ● nurturing ● ● safety ● respect/self-respect ● security ● stability ● support ● to know and be known ● air ● to see and be seen ● food ● warmth ● to understand and be ● understood ● physical well-being ● water ● safety movement/exercise rest/sleep ● sexual expression ● shelter ● touch honesty ● authenticity ● integrity ● presence ● play ● joy ● humor ● peace ● beauty ● communion ● ease equality ● harmony ● inspiration ● order ● choice autonomy ● choice ● freedom ● space ● independence ● spontaneity ● hope ● meaning awareness ● challenge ● celebration of life ● clarity ● growth competence ● consciousness ● creativity ● contribution ● creativity ● discovery ● efficacy effectiveness ● learning ● mourning ● participation ● purpose ● self-expression ● stimulation ● to matter ● understanding (c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication. Website: www.cnvc.org

7. Finish writing with, “My Intentions with [our group, our individual relationship] are as follows…” [be prepared to communicate your intention/s in the form of a solution]:

Group Meeting Agreements

Group Meeting Agreements ● Group members agree to come to the meeting prepared ● We agree to use a 5 to 7 minute “talk time” [per person], each time someone new speaks ● We will vote on the use of a “Talking Stick” item to help moderate the discussion ● We agree to no name calling ● We agree to no interrupting ● We will strive to maintain a respectful, neutral and collaborative tone ● We will limit all verbal and nonverbal displays of contempt, disgust, loud sighing, eyeball rolling, annoyance, anger, etc. ● We will work to replace anger and negative emotions with a tone of curiosity ● We will focus on observing & absorbing the information we hear, rather than defending it

Group Meeting Agenda

Group Meeting Agenda PHASE ONE: SHARING/AWARENESS “Understand before trying to be understood” ~Steven Covey

1. Bring your completed pre-meeting notes to the meeting and be ready to share them. Someone will volunteer to go first and read what they wrote, per person, around the circle.

2. During the information sharing, everyone will remain silent and listen [silent and listen have the same letters in them] until everyone has had a turn.

3. A talking-stick item may prove helpful to keep time [you talk only when holding it and for 5 to 7 minutes]

If you feel defensive during the group sharing, or feel “put on the spot,” you can simply respond to any negative statements or reactions with flat and neutral statements that are concise [no more than 2 words needed…]: “Thank You” – “Really” – “Oh” – “I See” – “Maybe” – “It Figures” “Sure” – “That’s Right” –“Of Course” – “Wow” – “Great” “I Understand” – “Interesting”

4. Note: it is common for participants to cry, get angry, leave, look like they don’t care, etc., so be ready for diverse reactions and strive to be kind, neutral and encourage everyone to “hang in there,” as they are each going to be on the receiving end of these statements. Everyone is in this together. Each member will share across the group and the meeting will either end on a heightened awareness level [awareness = change] that allows for individual contemplation, or the group can proceed with a group discussion. If the group has the time and intention to keep the discussion going, you will allow for each person to hold the “talking stick” item and speak succinctly for 5 to 7 minutes each, as they respond to things they heard.

The goal of the Phase One: Sharing & Awareness small group meeting is to openly share personal experiences and the impact those experiences have had on each individual. The focus is to avoid full on discussion to limit any denying, defending, counterattacking, explaining oneself, or angry behaviors. Therefore, at the end of the sharing session, your group will have some options…

Group Meeting Agenda PHASE TWO: SOLUTIONS “If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem” At the end of the first meeting you can 1. thank everyone for sharing and trust that the honest awareness will be enough to push real change 2. thank everyone for beginning a difficult process, as they continue to seek the truth of the dis”ease” in the group and schedule a follow up “solutions session” before they depart. 3. Thank everyone for sharing and further the discussion by voting to stay in the meeting until some solid solutions are found and agreed upon. Learn more about boundaries and conflict resolutions techniques at www.findyourconversationpeace.com

More Collaborative Tips…

Power

YOUR TONE MATTERS

Rights Interest

For books on conflict resolution & boundary setting please visit findyourconversationpeace.com

Find a Collaborative Tone that Works for You ▪Respond with a Factual Tone - a factual response gives facts, feedback or information and makes clear your needs, wants, beliefs, opinions and/or feelings.

“As I see it, our work relationship is going quite well.”

“I’d like you to be here by 9 o’clock.”

“I feel very pleased with the way the situation has been resolved.”

“I liked the comments you included in our family Christmas letter.”

▪Respond with an Empathetic Tone - an empathetic response shows sensitivity that can be used to preempt an aggressive person, flowed by an expression of your needs and wants.

“I can see the new schedule means extra work for you until we hire a new person. Please know that I’d still like you to keep on working with it to ensure good customer service.”

“Although I can see you’re very busy at the moment, I need your assistance with something, will you please help me?

58

▪Respond with a Consequential Tone – a consequential response can be used as a warning when other people have failed to act, letting them know the consequences for their action, if they do not change their behavior.

“I’m not going to let any of my staff work on this project with your people, unless you give them access to the same training that your team was given.”

“This client’s order is worth thousands of dollars. If we fail to respond to questions quickly and lose the account, it will have an adverse impact on the group.”

▪Respond with an Approachable Tone - an approachable response finds out the other person’s views, needs, wants, or feelings and to make sure that there is no misunderstanding between you.

“What problems might that create?”

“What would you prefer to do?”

“I’d like to hear your views on this topic.”

“What do you think about xyz?”

59 “What are the pros/cons on this issue from your point of view?”

Atone to Create BALANCE

RESIST TOLERATE INDIFFERENT ALLOW FORGIVE

Move On… Let It Go… Get Over It… Life Goes On… It Is What It Is… And So It Goes…

Put It In The Past…

What’s Done Is Done…

Art of FORGIVENESS

Atone and make it right -“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that I hurt you. Please forgive me.”

-“My mouth just engages before I think sometimes. I’m sorry.”

-“I apologize. I’m having a bad day & didn’t intend to hurt you.

I am sorry.”

-“I’m sorry. What I said/did was mean and I can see it hurt you.

Please forgive me.”

-“When we disagreed, I should have kept my cool. Please accept my apology.”

-“Everything happened so fast. I realize I said some things I shouldn’t have in the heat of the moment. I am sorry.”

-“I’m sorry for xyz. I would prefer that we focus on the future rather than the past; is that okay with you?”

-“In hindsight I believe I sounded angry? Please know I was trying to be clear and my intention was not to hurt you.”

I Am Sorry Please Forgive Me Thank You I Love You HO’OPONOPONO PRAYER

May You Find Your “Conversation Peace” Dr. Jody Janati 651.210.2246

findyourconversationpeace@gmail.com www.findyourconversationpeace.com