Balance Your Boundaries Full Color eBook

BALANCE YOUR BOUNDARIES

by Dr. Jody Janati

It’s Your “Response – Ability”

What is the Best Vitamin for a “Drama Free” Communicator?

Answer: “B1”

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring; it means I

LET GO

can't do it for someone else. To let go is not to cut myself off... It's the realization that I can’t

control another. To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try and change or blame another, I can only change myself. To let go is not to care for, but to care about. To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive. To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes. To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality. To let go is not to deny, but to accept. To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment. To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be. To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. To let go is to fear less and love more.

Boundaries are Healthy

Knowing how to set boundaries with others is essential to the collaborative process. It allows people who work together to stay on the “grow.” Setting healthy boundaries with others communicates you are accountable for yourself, you are committed to self-respect, you will protect your integrity, and you are able to enjoy balanced relationships with others.

You are Response-Able!

Balance Your Thinking Choice, chance & change; the three C’s of effective communication. You must make a choice to take a chance or your communication with others will never change. Before you learn

the steps to cultivate healthy boundaries with others, it is important to defuse your thoughts and avoid “plugging in” to an unintended drama. You can’t change people, but you can change the

Way you think about them and respond to them.

The goal of this workbook is to help you find your “conversation peace” through a step by step process that really works!

STEP 1 EXPLORE YOUR THINKING

LET’S EXPLORE THE ISSUE… Start by imagining someone who creates defensiveness within you, which indicates you might need to set a boundary with this person. Use the prompt below to list some of the stressful things you think about this person in general.

●Offer some

IS

general stressful thoughts you have about this person

OFFER SOME ADVICE S/he Should/Shouldn’t: ●offer some

S/he Ought to: S/he Must: S/he Needs to: S/he Has to:

general advice for this person by using the prompts

LEARN TO AVOID RESISTANCE BASED COMMUNICATION

Ineffective boundary setting is based on resistant messages, which include controlling statements and a fixed judgment that is only masking a deeper need or request. Here are some examples of the kind of messages we use when trying to control someone’s action and/or behavior: “Stop swearing at me; you cannot continue to speak to me that way; you have to settle down; you shouldn’t use that kind of language; you need to control yourself...” These messages contain resistance, feel controlling and lead to more drama. They are actively resistant as they merely tolerate the receiver’s behavior.

The tone is negative and focuses on the problem rather than a solution.

Effective boundary setting is rooted in solutions based language. Therefore, it is in your best interest to consider eliminating the following words from your messages to others: “You must…” “You have to…” “You should…”

“You ought to…” “Don’t do that…” “You are not…”

“You need to…” “You cannot…” “S/he is xyz…”

“You shouldn’t…” ●Review what you wrote after the second bullet point and imagine what it might feel like to be on the receiving end of one of those messages. You should be able to hear the

ineffective, negative resistance contained in your original statements. When resistance is present, conflict escalation and drama will likely follow.

Consider for a moment that what you wrote after the first bullet point may consist of the very feelings and behavior you exhibit when you think stressful thoughts about the

person in which you were asked to initially focus upon. In other words, when you have a thought that someone is trying to prove they are right and control you, don’t you kind of want to be right and control the interaction? When

you think someone is behaving in a rude way, don’t you find your behavior towards them to be more rude than usual? When you accuse someone of being secretive, don’t you start to offer them less detail about you and your

life experiences? We usually respond to people with the exact behavior we accuse them of and with a similar response to what we had first noticed and identified them using.

●When we take the time to really examine our self-talk, we can learn more about ourselves and our reaction to others.

Reread what you wrote after the first bullet point and rewrite your phrases to fit in the following format: When I think the thought “[insert example from bullet point 1]” my thoughts and responses towards this person become “[insert same example from above].”

Example: “When I think the thought my dad is controlling, my thoughts & responses towards my dad become controlling.”

Your Turn: “When I think the thought ________, my thoughts and responses towards this person become __________.”

Most people judge others based upon their behavior and not upon their intention. Likewise, we expect others to judge us upon our intention and not upon our behavior.

Once you recognize your own behavior toward others, you can then make conscious decisions about how you would like to interact with them. Solutions based thinking allows you to focus more upon intentions [healthy responses] and

less upon behavior [unhealthy reactions]. Checking diverse “points of perception” is one way to further examine any of your difficult interactions with others. Here’s a thought provoking question, “Is it possible that your problem with

someone’s behavior is really just their solution to a deeper problem?” In other words, sometimes people create a problem to solve a deeper problem [issue]?

We know that eating too much is often a solution to being bored or frustrated. People often catch a cold as a solution to needing time to rest and rejuvenate. Another strategy for balancing your thinking and ensuring you are in a

solutions based mindset when dealing with others, is to focus on the positive. You are either a judger or a forgiver; you either forgive others or you come up with reasons why you will not forgive them and this then makes you a judger.

When we are stuck in judgment thinking, we focus on problems and things we do not want. However, when our intention is to solve or forgive, we focus more on the

solution and what we want.

●The more we understand people the more we can

forgive them. The next exercise is focused on empathy building. Think about a person who creates defensiveness in you. Below you will first list any unwanted negative responses and/or behavior you’ve received from this person.

Next you will take time to brainstorm potential

reasons this person has chosen to respond to you this way.

The goal is for you to entertain potential “choices” for their

behavior rather than just judge them and label the behavior as something that is wrong.

Ask

yourself

questions:

the

“How

following could

the

problem I have with him/her

really just be a solution to one of her/his problems? Why might s/he choose to take that action with me? What would it solve for her/him? What would s/he get from behaving that way?

Where is the value for him/her

in that response? What does s/he

want?

reaching

for

What

is

when

s/he s/he

chooses to speak to me that

way/do that to me?

-Negative Behavior [your point of view]: S/he constantly interrupts me. +Potential Goal of Negative Behavior [their point of view]:

S/he feels unheard, is excited to share, wants validation, desires equal talk time, etc.

-Negative Behavior [your point of view]: They vandalized the school. +Potential Goal of Negative Behavior [their point of view]: They need more attention, feel a sense of injustice, feel their teachers/administrators are poor listeners.

-Negative Behavior [your point of view]: S/he uses a sarcastic tone. +Potential Goal of Negative Behavior [their point of view]: s/he feels unequal, wants to be assertive but only knows

passive/aggressiveness, wants to be heard, seen, etc.

STEP 2

IDENTIFY THE ISSUE

“A Problem Well Stated is a Problem Half Solved”

STEP 2 IDENTIFY YOUR CLEAR & BALANCED ISSUE STATEMENT

In order to make a boundary visible, you need to be able to first clearly communicate the issue. The issue is the topic, problem, behavior or feeling you would like to address. In other words, it is the reason you ask to speak with someone

in the first place. Your issue statement should be well thought out and contain about 10-15 words to be most concise, as you will want to make your point as clear as possible. Plan to deliver your issue statement with little to no

emotion so your words can be heard without the influence of any feelings conflicting with your message.

People will usually hear, process and react to your tone before they listen to the actual words you are saying.

Therefore a neutral to robotic tone is best to filter out any feelings

of

anger,

denial

jealousy,

disappointment,

contempt, defeat, etc. If you are unable to deliver your message in a calm and neutral tone, then it is best to wait until you are better prepared. This section of your workbook focuses on three options, from which you will choose, that

will help you identify a clear and balanced issue statement that works best for you.

ISSUE OPTION 1 TURN A COMPLAINT INTO A REQUEST

You should be able to identify a clear issue disguised beneath your criticism by turning your “complaints” [what you don’t want] into “requests” [what you do want]. 



Turn your “Complaints” [what you don’t want| S/he is lazy] into “Requests” [what you want | I would like him/her to help me clean the house].

Example: “S/he is unprofessional,” turns into the

request of, “I would like him/her to refrain from all personal calls during work hours.” ●Reread what you wrote after the first bullet point in Step 1 and rewrite any of your complaints to read as a request.

ISSUE OPTION 2 TURN AN OPINION INTO A FACT We often vent our frustration with others in a negative and critical tone. Your job is to determine if what you wrote was opinion based or fact based. Opinions are subjective and feel accusatory, while facts usually focus on one’s behavior and are more objective.

Turn your “opinions” [subjective] into “facts” [objective] . Opinion Fact .

S/he is rude S/he interrupts me a lot S/he’s a racist S/he tells a lot of ethnic jokes S/he doesn’t care S/he forgot my birthday ●Reread what you wrote after the first bullet point in Step 1 and change any of your opinionated sentences to read with a more concrete factual tone.

ISSUE OPTION 3 NEUTRALIZE YOUR LANGUAGE

The way you use language can build, maintain or destroy relationships. It is often said that one should “separate the person from the problem” when having difficult discussions. One strategy is to turn a subjective or emotional topic into a more factual, objective topic by getting rid of pronouns in the issue statement.

You will want to eliminate or at least keep the following words to a minimum in your issue statement: she, he, you, it, we, I, and they.

ISSUE OPTION 3 NEUTRALIZE YOUR LANGUAGE Another strategy for remaining neutral is to be mindful of the way you use nouns and verbs, because it will help you neutralize the issue. When language is neutralized, the intention is to turn a verb [action or event] into a noun [thing, concept or person] or to turn a process into a thing. Think of a photograph; when something is neutral, it has stopped and is static [inactive = noun or adjective] and has less movement [active = verb]. When you neutralize your language, the issue statement you offer is not up for argument or debate. Your claim is stated as a fact/issue that merely is. Offering a neutralized issue statement reduces the likelihood of the receiver arguing with you.

ISSUE OPTION 3 EXAMPLES Debatable Issue He is too loud You communicate poorly We always argue We failed with this project I donated to the charity She plans to resign I can’t believe she smokes I failed in my marriage He cheated on me She is rude to her staff

Neutral Issue [noun] The loud volume The poor communication These frequent arguments The recent failure The charity donation The planned resignation The smoking surprised me The failure of my marriage The cheating hurt me The rude behavior

ISSUE OPTION 3 ●Reread what you wrote after the first bullet point in Step 1; you should be able to hear how most of your statements could easily be debated due to the position from which they were initially written.

Below rewrite your issue

statement/s in a neutralized style to establish a more clear

and balanced issue statement.

Issue [neutralized]:

STEP 3

INVITE THEM TO MEET

When you invite someone to meet, they are likely to say something like, “Sure, I can meet now…” Don’t do that to them or yourself. Meaning, there is a certain negative feeling that sets in when one enters into, and invites someone to have, a difficult conversation. Therefore, it is best to invite someone to meet at a later time and let them experience the intense/awkward feelings alone, and then meet later, once the feeling has subsided a bit. You’ll also benefit from the wait time. Your best approach is to invite them and then wait at least 10 minutes. This gives someone time to have a smoke break, go to the restroom, or simply work it out, in general, before having to discuss anything. I would refrain from waiting more than a day to have the discussion. If you were to say, “Let’s meet on Monday; have a great weekend,” it’s almost like saying, “Wait until your father gets home.” One to two hours might be best.

INVITE & WAIT 10+ MINUTES “Could you stop in after lunch; I need to talk to you about something.”

“Are you available to meet after the 2pm meeting today?”

STEP 4

ISOLATE THE ISSUE

STEP 4 COMMUNICATE YOUR BALANCED BOUNDARY

Now that you have established an effective issue statement you will want to focus on how to best communicate it to others.

Boundary setting is not about trying to change other people; it is about setting limits and deciding what you are willing to allow.

You cannot set a boundary and try to regulate someone’s feelings at the same time. In other words, when you try to control the outcome and/or behavior of the recipient, a healthy boundary

quickly

becomes

unhealthy

and

manipulative.

Therefore, it is your responsibility to communicate your boundary in a respectful manner that is firm and consistent. You must also, when needed, be willing and able to enforce any consequences

once someone violates one of those boundaries. Most people do not know they should beware of their neighbor’s dog until they see a sign which states, “Beware of Dog.” Likewise, you cannot

expect someone to be aware of and abide by your boundaries until you have openly established them. Keep in mind that saying nothing is equal to agreeing. If someone gets into your car and lights up a cigarette and you don’t want them to, yet you say

nothing, you are simply agreeing to behavior you don’t want. This is a passive response and shows you are ok with others violating your rights. In this scenario, there is no boundary visible and the message becomes, “you can violate my right to have a smoke

free car; I won’t say anything to deter you from your inappropriate behavior.” As you can see, verbally stating your issue

statement

is

highly

significant

to

setting

balanced

boundaries. A well stated “visible” boundary implies you have

decided to “turn the other cheek” and consciously stop focusing on what you don’t want and instead look towards what you do want. It communicates that you are unwilling to accept this particular behavior or action any more, especially if you feel it

violates your rights on any level. Healthy boundaries signify you are done dealing with the problem and you are now focusing on

the solution. The initial verbal message you deliver to the receiver will allow you to make your limits known and understood. There are many ways you might approach making your boundary “visible” to others. This section of your workbook provides five

options for you to pick from that will allow you to communicate a clear

and

balanced

boundary

in

a

more

natural

and

conversational fashion. Once you understand the methods and feel comfortable using them, you will see they are easily

interchangeable. In other words, there are a number of possibilities available to you when you combine the five options.

COMMUNICATION OPTION 1

Option 1 consists of you stating the neutralized issue statement, created in section 2 of this workbook, and then adding a message that states you would like the other to be “aware” of the issue at hand. Here are some other ways you might effectively communicate your awareness statement: I thought you should know/I wanted to make you aware of it/I needed to tell you/I wanted to bring it up/I wanted to put it on your radar/I thought I should point it out/etc.

Example: State the Issue [neutralized]: “The frequent use of sarcasm doesn’t work for me.” Awareness Statement: “I thought I should bring it up now that we’re working so closely together.”

Your Turn: State the Issue [neutralized]: Awareness Statement:

COMMUNICATION OPTION 2

Option 2 consists of you stating the neutralized issue statement, created in section 2 of this workbook, and then adding a statement that demonstrates your intention [your desired outcome, need, and/or solution] behind the issue at hand.

Example: State the Issue [neutralized]: “Regular tardiness has become a problem for our team.” Intention Statement: “I want us all to be equally accountable and respectful of one another’s time and this is why I wanted to address it at the beginning of the meeting.”

Your Turn: State the Issue [neutralized]: Intention Statement [reason why you brought it up]:

COMMUNICATION OPTION 3

Option 3 consists of you stating the neutralized issue statement, created in section 2 of this workbook, and then providing a statement demonstrating how you feel and what you need or would like from them.

Example: State the Issue [neutralized]: “I have a problem with the way dad is belittled and put down every time his name comes up in conversation.” Statement of Feeling/Need: “I feel uncomfortable when you speak poorly of dad and I need to know we can have a conversation that doesn’t disrespect him.”

Your Turn: State the Issue [neutralized]: Statement of Feeling/Need:

“You Can’t Heal What You Can’t Feel”

Circle any of the following negative feelings that arise in you [“I feel”] when you think about or experience a difficult interaction with this person: ●afraid●apprehensive●dread●foreboding●frightened●mistrustful● panicked●petrified●scared●suspicious●terrified●wary●worried●annoyed ●aggravated●dismayed●disgruntled●displeased●exasperated● frustrated●impatient●irritated●irked●angry●enraged●furious●incensed ●indignant●irate●livid●outraged●resentful●aversion●animosity● appalled● contempt●disgusted●dislike●hate●horrified●hostile●repulsed ●confused●ambivalent●baffled●bewildereddazed●hesitant●lost● mystified●perplexed●puzzled●torn●disconnected●alienated●aloof ●apathetic●bored●cold●detached●distant●distracted●indifferent● numb●removed●uninterested●withdrawn●disquiet●agitated●alarmed ●discombobulated●disconcerted●disturbe●perturbed●rattled●restless● shocked●started●surprised●troubled●turbulent●turmoil●uncomfortable ●uneasy●unnerved●unsettled●upset●embarrassed●ashamed● chagrined●flustered●guilt●mortified●selfconscious●fatigued●beat ●burnt out●depleted●exhausted●lethargic●listless●sleepy●tired● weary●wornout●pain●agony●anguished●bereaved●tense●anxious ●cranky●distressed●distraught●edgy●fidgety●frazzled●irritable●jittery● nervous●overwhelmed●restless●stressedout●vulnerable●fragile ●guarded●helpless●insecure●leery●reserved●

Circle the positive feelings, from the list below, you would rather experience [“I need/I would like to feel”] when interacting with this person. ●affection●appreciation●belonging●cooperation●communication● closeness●community●companionship●compassion●consideration ●consistency●empathy●inclusion●intimacy●love●mutuality●nurturing● respect/self-respect●safety●security●stability●support●trust ●warmth to know and be known●sexual expression●physical well-being● air to see and be●seen●to understand and be understood●food ●movement/exercise●rest/sleep●safety●shelter●touch●water●honesty● authenticity●integrity●presence●play●joyhumor●peace●beauty ●communion●ease●equality●harmony●inspiration●order●autonomy● choice●freedom●independence●space●spontaneity●meaning ●awareness●celebration of life●challenge●clarity●competence● consciousness●contribution●creativity●discovery●efficacy●effectiveness ●growth●hope●learning●mourning●participation●purpose● self-expression●stimulation●to matter●understanding [The previous two lists of feelings were compiled by the Center for Nonviolent Communication (c) 2005]. Website: www.cnvc.org Email: cnvc@cnvc.org Phone: +1.505-244-4041]

COMMUNICATION OPTION 4

Option 4 consists of you stating the neutralized issue statement, created in section 2 of this workbook, and then noting any observable behavior that might validate and confirm the issue at hand.

Example: State the Issue [neutralized] - insert your issue statement from section 2 of the workbook: Note Observable Behavior: “We have not been given any new content and there wasn’t a status report given at the group meeting.”

Your Turn: State the Issue [neutralized]: Note Observable Behavior:

COMMUNICATION OPTION 5

Option 5 consists of you stating the neutralized issue statement, created in section 2 of this workbook, and then stating one or more consequence/s of the behavior you’ve witnessed. Your statement will offer some “result/s of their behavior.”

Example: State the Issue [neutralized]: “The constant talking during our meetings has become an issue.” Consequence of Behavior Statement: “When there is a lot of extra noise in the room, I have to repeat myself and several people have mentioned they are unable to hear me.”

Your Turn: State the Issue [neutralized]: Consequence of Behavior Statement:

MORE OPTIONS

Issue [neutralized] + I felt [feeling] _____ when you said/did [observable behavior] _____ and I [need] _____. I thought it was important for you to know this [awareness].

I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything [intention]. My [need] for _____ makes me [feel] _____ and this is why it is difficult for me to work with you when you [observable behavior] ______.

“You said/did [observable behavior] and it made me [feel] _____; I had to leave the room [consequence of the behavior] because I am unable to handle it when you do that.

When you [observable behavior] _____ I felt [feeling] _____ and I needed [need] to know [awareness]_____.

STEP 5

INITIATE A SOLUTION

Once you have successfully communicated your boundary, it is

up to you to decide how you will enforce it.

Focusing on a

solution first, demonstrates your intention to avoid having to readily enforce your boundary. Therefore you will initially offer a request to solve statement. The request to solve statement is a solutions based question that communicates your intention to first solve the issue you have presented. Framing your request to solve statement as a choice allows you to transfer responsibility onto the

recipient. Likewise, you will use “you” or “we” language so you don’t end up taking responsibility for something you don’t own.

You might say, “What can you do to ensure you are one time next Tuesday?” or,

“What can we do to ensure…” Your solutions

based question will contain a tone that implies there is a “choice” from which the recipient can choose to agree or disagree. It will mirror the following collaborative language: “might it be in our best interest if… may I suggest you… are you willing to…

I need to know if you can… I’d like it if you would, etc.” Solutions based language is rooted in awareness and puts little to no resistance on the receiver. It is passively nonresistant as it allows

the receiver to choose. While a clear issue statement makes the boundary “visible,” a request to solve [solution statement] asks the recipient to choose whether or not s/he will abide by your limits, allowing you to begin the process of enforcing your boundary. By not asking or telling someone what to do or how to change, you are simply creating awareness of the issue at hand and allowing the person to make a personal decision or choice to own his/her

actions. In the presence of no resistance, most people will feel respected and are then more likely to comply with a boundary and demonstrate collaboration. Of course individuals don’t always comply and this is where consequences are needed. This

section of your workbook explores the importance of the request to solve [solution statement] and how to combine it with

consequences to ensure your boundary can and will be enforced when needed. Your request to solve statement will contain collaborative solutions based language. The following pages

highlight the tone of this kind of rhetoric, which presents a “fix” for the issue.

ASK A COLLABORATIVE QUESTION “Might we be able to…”

“Can you agree to…”

“I’d like it if we could…”

“Would you be willing…”

“Are you able to…

“Maybe we could…”

“Is it possible for us to…”

“Suppose we do this…”

“What will it take?”

“What should we do?”

“I see us moving this way…”

“The solution I am hoping for is…”

“The outcome I would like is…”

“Can you offer a suggestion?”

“Let’s see if we can…”

“Perhaps we could…”

MORE COLLABORATIVE QUESTIONS… “I want us to…”

“Are you able to…”

“Might we be able to…”

“Can you agree to…”

“I’d like it if we could…”

“Would you be willing…”

“Maybe we could…”

“What will it take?”

“The solution I want is…”

“Is it possible for us to…”

“Suppose we do this…”

“Have you considered…”

“Would you rather x or y?”

“The outcome I would like is…”

“What will it take for us to work together?”

“What else can you add to that point; please say more…”

“Are there any other ways you could get what you want/need?”

“Have you explored doing it like this?”

“What is it you are hoping will happen?”

“What is the best case scenario?”

“What concerns do you have?”

“What do you hope to achieve?”

“Maybe we could…”

“It might be in our best interest to…”

“I would like to offer a suggestion…”

“What would help the situation?”

“Can you say more about that?”

“How do you want to be treated?”

“What do you think we should do?”

“What do you want to have happen?”

“What problem are we trying to solve?”

“One option we might want to consider is…”

“Please share why you feel so strongly about that…”

“What would need to happen for you to be satisfied?”

Problem [-] Have to Defensive Control Need Demand Resistance Force Fight Debate Destructive Repel Superiority React Hero Self-Centered Control Negative Deny Attack Emotional Disempower

Solution [+] Choose to Collaborative Balance Feeling Request No Resistance Face Unite Dialogue Constructive Attract Equality Respond Humble Higher Purpose Empower Positive Consider Concede Not Emotional Empower

BENEFITS OF USING A COLLABORATIVE TONE

STEP 6

INTRODUCE CONSEQUENCES

STEP 6 ENFORCE YOUR BALANCED BOUNDARY

It is in your best interest to use solutions based language to enforce a boundary. Individuals are influenced based upon their interests

and

these

interests

are

usually

hidden

beneath

controlling resistance based statements. An interest is based on an underlying need, concern, outcome, or solution. Effective boundary setting is based upon solution statements regarding one’s interests and is not attached to a specific outcome or

response. People who set effective boundaries with others are not concerned with controlling another’s actions. There is little to no resistance present and their message simply transfers the choice and responsibility onto the recipient to decide for him/herself.

Choices allow people to be responsible. There is a distinct difference between the statement, “I have to” [victim with no control], versus the statement, “I choose to” [responsible with

control]. In other words, until we notice or own that we have a choice, we can’t or won’t make one. Your job is to enforce your boundary by offering a choice first. When you set an effective boundary you let go of the result. You are not attached to the

other’s response and you are free to detach from any potential drama and simply let them choose. This eliminates further conflict as the choice is on them and you are not controlling the outcome. Your request to solve statement will be accompanied

by at least one consequence. A consequence is something that happens when a boundary is violated.

It is the effect, result

and/or outcome of a choice, action, behavior and/or decision. It is not emotional and does not judge. The primary purpose of a

consequence is to activate the boundary and put it into effect.

Your job is to start with a request to solve statement to show you want to solve the issue and will honor your boundary. You will also add

a

statement

of

consequence

to

reinforce

the

consequence/s if the receiver makes a negative choice that you hadn’t anticipated. A consequence is an if/then statement and is best received when you frame it clearly, within the framework of something that is both immediate and certain. For example, the

seat belt law says, “Click It or Ticket” and this message is both immediate and certain. The way the message is written implies, "if you get caught without your seat belt on, you will get a ticket." The message sounds certain, meaning it doesn’t say, “you might get a

ticket,” which would feel more uncertain. A consequence statement says, “I will take this action to protect and enforce the boundary I have established with you.” You may find that having more than one consequence ready and willing to share at the

same time, will demonstrate you are serious about enforcing your boundary.

In other words, some people will violate your first

boundary to see if you will, indeed, follow through.

Once you follow through with the first consequence, you can move on to the next consequence more confidently.

Consequence 1 “If the talking continues, I’m going to bring up my dislike for the disruption and ask that the group also discuss their feelings about it.”

Consequence 2 “If the talking continues, then I’ll have to leave the room/ask you to leave the room.”

.

BALANCE YOUR BOUNDARY

Issue [neutralized]: Request to Solve:

Consequence 1:

Consequence 2 :

“The constant swearing has become an issue and I would like everyone to feel comfortable in the group…” “… and I would like to request that you stop the incessant swearing in the team meetings; are you willing to comply?”

[pause to let them respond and allow any response]

“If you continue to swear, I’m going to bring up my dislike for the language and ask that the group discuss their feelings about it.”

“If your swearing continues, then I’ll have to leave the room or ask you to leave the room [depending on your position].”

.

ⱷPLANT SOLUTION SEEDSⱷ STAY ON THE “GROW” Following are some communication strategies for you to practice as you learn to effectively cultivate the language of

collaboration and balanced boundaries…

SOLUTION SEEDS

It is what it “IS” ISSUE

SOLUTION

CULTIVATE THE LANGUAGE OF BALANCED BOUNDARIES The language of balanced boundaries focuses on two things: the issue and the resolution of the issue. The assumption behind this style of collaborative communication is that there is a solution.

Operating from this disposition, the underlying message implies, “anyone who is not a part of the solution is part of the problem.”

Effective solutions based communicators are synergetic problem solvers who strive for a win/win solution. They are concerned about their own goals and show concern for the goals of others.

Their messages include undertones of mutual respect, a tone of

“two heads are better than one,” agreement and “I’m ok, you’re ok.” Like an owl [“who?”], they are willing to assert themselves and use non-threatening confrontation to balance the issue at hand. They have the ability to listen and grasp group concerns.

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Willingness to Change

Goal: To communicate you are a flexible and cooperative group member.

Example: “You have given me a lot to think about and I agree I could work on that more.”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Detach & Confirm

Goal: To defuse blame and communicate support at the same time.

Example: “I am not responsible for how you feel/what you did, and please know I want it to work out for you.”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Say No Directly

Goal: To communicate a clear message of “no.”

Example: Acknowledge the Other’s Feelings: “I can see you are excited about your new job selling insurance and it is going well.”

State Your Position on the Issue: “I am happy with my insurance company and am not interested in changing providers at this time.”

Say No Clearly: “Thank you for thinking of me and no, I am not interested in purchasing it from you right now.”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Agreeably Disagree

Goal: To confirm someone even when you might not agree with what they are saying.

Example: “I know that’s right for you; I can feel that.”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ With/On & With/To Teaming

Goal: To ensure your message is collaborative and communicates cooperation around an issue.

Examples: “I would be happy to work with you on this problem.”

“I want to work with your department to ensure a positive outcome.”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Use Presumptive Questioning Goal: To imply what you are asking is possible/true and to encourage positive group discussion and welcome active, solutions based feedback.

Examples: “Who can provide an example of…?” [implies it is already occurring]. “What did we learn from this?” [implies something was learned]. “Who would like to help me with this?” [implies someone is willing to help]

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Problem to Solution

Goal: To focus your response on the issue, rather than the person, and offer a solution to the problem.

Examples: “You seem to be drinking a lot tonight; how about I take your son for a sleep over at my house?” “I noticed you removed yourself from your seat; how about we have you sit in the back?”

“It appears as though you might become emotional; could we talk about this later?”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Perception Checking

Goal: To save face for someone while addressing and issue squarely.

Examples: Describe the behavior you have seen and offer 2 to 3 interpretations of what you witnessed; then ask for clarification: “I noticed you rolled your eyes at me in the meeting this morning; did you have a question about the new procedure; did I misread what you were saying or was it related to something else? Am I reading you correctly?”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Discuss Acceptable Action

Goal: To shape undesirable behavior towards more appropriate action by letting the other person offer the correct response.

Examples: Coach children to use manners: “How are you supposed to ask? - “What have I asked you to do when I’m talking and you need something? “What does the policy state in the employee handbook?” “How might we/you better comply with this policy?”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Establish Agreement First

Goal: To communicate your solutions based intention before the problem.

Example: “I think we can both agree that we don’t want our misunderstanding to continue to interfere with the entire group.”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Try it Again Goal: To focus on corrective action and a solution, rather than the problem.

Examples: “Maybe we could try it this way now.” “Let’s do it again.”

“Can we attempt that one more time?”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ If/Then Statements

Goal: To offer an informative suggestion instead of making a demand.

Example: Instead of saying, “You should clean the garage,” say, “If we had a cleaner garage we could fit extra boxes around the vehicles.”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ State Your Interest

Goal: To make your intention known right away by speaking from the context of the interest.

Examples: “I am interested in how you were feeling during the team meeting today.” “I think it is in your best interest to…”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ “It” Verses “I”

Goal: To demonstrate ownership and responsibility for a message you communicate to others.

Example: Responsible Tone, “I feel irritated when you are late; I’m glad I ran into you; I’m a bit confused; I am bored.” Less Responsible Tone, “It bothers me when you’re late; it’s nice to see you; it’s confusing; it’s a boring afternoon.”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Repeat the Solution

Goal: To counter arguing and rebuttals in a non-defensive way while remaining consistent.

Example: With each rebuttal and excuse you receive, respond by paraphrasing the solution again and again, “Your report is late again this week and I need to know if you are able to get it in on time next week; what can we do to ensure it doesn’t happen again; is there anything you might do differently to make sure you are on track this week; what are you willing to commit to?”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Tone Shaper

Goal: To create awareness and a boundary around the use of an inappropriate tone.

Example: “I understand what you are saying and that you are frustrated and ask that you please rethink the tone you are using with me.”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Replace Can’t with Can

Goal: To limit the resistance during interactions and demonstrate a positive attitude.

Examples: “Let’s see what I can do.” “We can work it out.”

“You can leave once we finish this report.”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Next Time

Goal: To effectively coach someone through an error.

Examples: “I would appreciate if next time you would knock first before coming into my office.” “Next time let’s go over the agenda before we meet with the team.”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Delegate Responsibility

Goal: To model/communicate teamwork and shared responsibility.

Examples: “Can you call her and then email me and we will set up a time to meet?” “Before we discuss this further, let’s both think of some…”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ “You” Verses “We”

Goal: To set the tone of collaboration. People who use “we” statements imply the issue is the responsibility of both the speaker and the receiver.

Example: Responsible Tone: “We have a problem; We can’t talk about the kids without fighting; We need to speak to her about the lack of participation.”

Less Responsible Tone: “You are creating a problem; You are unable to talk about the kids without getting upset; You need to speak…”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Address the Reason “Why”

Goal: To broaden awareness and understanding of one’s impact [behavior] on a group.

Example: “You were late to the team meeting again this week [behavior] and the reason I would like to discuss this with you is that when you are late, it disrupts the speaker and we are put in a position where we have to repeat what you’ve missed.”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Point to Positive Behavior

Goal: To verbally recognize others when they do well, help out, cooperate, or make a contribution.

Examples: “I like the way you handled that.” “Your desk looks great today!” “I knew I could count on you to help.” “It seemed much easier for you this time.” “You did much better today!”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Observe and Resolve

Goal: To deliver bad news in a neutral and constructive fashion.

Examples: “I observed you raising your voice at her in the meeting this morning and would like to encourage you to discuss our group’s overall intention to work well with her on this project.” “I noticed you left work again early last night; what can we do to ensure you stay until 5pm today?”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ You Pick

Goal: To offer two or three possible options, which allows another to have a suggestion, choice and/or make a decision.

Example: “What do you think; should we go ahead and order those today, wait until we have everything more organized or meet again to further discuss our decision?”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Positive Forecasting and Predicting

Goal: To communicate your confidence in others by framing future action in a positive context.

Examples: “I know you will get this done by Friday,” rather than “you must” or “you have to…”

“We will/can work to stay focused on our goals.”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Demonstrate Potential Choices

Goal: To ensure there are choices, which allows for disagreement or agreement - To generate discussion and empower others to share their opinion.

Examples: “Here are some options; what do you think?”

“Would you rather we focus on x or y?”

ⱷSOLUTION SEEDⱷ Agree and Solve

Goal: To work through a potential conflict with ease.

Example: Address a complaint with, “Yes, I too noticed we have a lot of extra plastic containers in the kitchen, overwhelming the space; I will go through them this weekend.”

FINAL POINTS TO PONDER People will continue to be who they are no matter what you think of them. It is not your job to tell others what to do and to make decisions for them. When you invite someone to make a choice and decide for themselves, you are able to stay in control and allow them to take responsibility for their actions. You may not be able to change others, but you can work to set healthy limits and influence them towards a solution. Most people want to get along with others and like who they see, in the mirror, at the end of the day. When you are able to balance your boundaries, you can communicate clearly with others and feel more authentic. “It’s right to do right because it’s right.” You are “response-able.” May you find your “Conversation Peace!”

Control your thoughts or they will control you May You Find Your

“Conversation Peace” “When I think the thought “_______________,” my thoughts and behavior towards Dr. Jody this Janati

651.210.2246 jodyjanati@yahoo.com person become www.findyourconversationpeace.com