Dr. Janati's Balance Your Conflict Notes

BALANCE YOUR conflict

by Dr. Jody Janati

GOT DRAMA?

DANGER OPPORTUNITY

CRISIS

REACTIVE & CREATIVE Consist of the same letters

Will you REACT [cause & effect] -orCREATE [cause the effect]

FIND YOUR BALANCE

“CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT THINGS AND THE THINGS YOU LOOK AT CHANGE” ~dr. Wayne Dyer

“Tact is the Art of Making a Point Without Making an Enemy” ~Isaac Newton

“I DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT TACT s*&!

YOU TEACH AT THE COLLEGE!”

WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER!

“PEOPLE WILL CONTINUe TO BE WHO THEy ARE, DESPITE YOUR OPINION OF THEM”

“RUDENESS IS THE WEAK MAN’S IMITATION OF STRENGTH”

What is the Best Vitamin for a “Drama Free” person?

B1

DON’T DEFUSE THEM;

CONFUSE THEM! ~Dr. Janati

“A Problem Well Stated is a Problem Half Solved”

HOW DO I FOCUS ON THE ISSUE?

Feeling + Need

NEUTRALIZE YOUR LANGUAGE Debatable Issue

Neutral Issue [noun]

He is too loud

The loud volume

You communicate poorly

The poor communication

We always argue

These frequent arguments

We failed on the project

The recent failure

I donated to the charity

The charity donation

She plans to resign

The planned resignation

I can’t believe she smokes

The smoking surprised me

I failed in my marriage

The failure of my marriage

He cheated on me

The cheating hurt me

She is rude to her staff

The rude behavior

“PARTIAL PARROTING”

.

Collaborative way to deliver difficult messages with tact STAR: To explain a situation or a concise point of view/action : Situation:

Set up the situation by describing the context [be brief and address who, where, what, when, why and how]

Task:

Describe the task you had to accomplish or the problem you had to solve

Action:

Explain the action/s you took to complete the task or solve the problem

Result:

Identify and quantify the result of your efforts; explain the outcome

NOTE: The STAR method works well for answering job/interview questions & delivering “bad news”

ARE YOUR RULES A PIC/NIC? PIC

NIC positive

negative

immediate

immediate

certain

certain

Arguments DiE with Neglect

“WHETHER YOU THINK YOU CAN OR CAN NOT, YOU ARE RIGHT” ~Henry Ford

Tolerate -vsAllow

[-] TOLERATE [-] Problem Have to Defensive Control Need Demand Resistance Force Fight Debate Destructive Repel Superiority React Hero Self-Centered Control Negative Deny Attack Emotional

[+] ALLOW [+] Solution Choose to Collaborative Balance Feeling Request No Resistance Face Unite Dialogue Constructive Attract Equality Respond Humble Higher Purpose Empower Positive Consider Concede Not Emotional

“Control Your Emotions or They Will Control You” ~Chinese Proverb

Listen and silent

“HEAR” AND NOW W

•WHY

A

•AM

I

•I

T

•TALKING

“Understand before trying to be understood” ~Stephen Covey

STOP! DON’T BE ANGRY!

Don’t should on PEOPLE

REDUCE RESISTANCE Eliminate these words and Find Your “Conversation Peace” SHOULD SHOULDN’T NEED TO STOP NOT OUGHT TO HAVE TO DON’T

“What You Resist, Persists” ~Carl Jung

LANGUAGE OF COLLABORATION MAY ● PREFER ● “I NOTICED & I’M WONDERING”

EXPLAINING WHAT IS WORKING ALWAYS HELPS. EXPLAINING WHAT ISN’T WORKING, NEVER WORKS

What do you stand “For”

want

don’t want

Power

Right Interest

CONSIDER YOUR TONE

AWARENESS = CHANGE 1. Tell them what they did [fact] 2. Tell them how it made you feel -orState a consequence of their behavior 3. Awareness Statement: “Point it out, Bring it up, Put it on your radar, Thought you should know, Wanted you to be aware...”

COLLABORATIVE SHAPING METHOD Step 1: I noticed you were talking throughout the 9 o’clock meeting.

Step 2: When you talk during the meeting, I get frustrated that I have to repeat myself so everyone hears me clearly -or- When you talk during the meeting, it makes it difficult for others to hear what I am saying.

Step 3: I wanted to point this out to you because we will be having a lot of meetings for this project.

Time to ACT!

Step 1 - A Ask/Invite Them to Talk or meet [wait 10 minutes] Step 2 - C Clear Concise Statement [10-15 words]

Step 3 - T Transfer Responsibility [repeat 10+ times]

HOW TO DEAL WITH ANOTHER’S EXPRESSION OF: A

• ●acknowledge the person’s feelings by • stating what you see/feel: • “you are really upset.”

N

•note aloud what they said by paraphrasing them: “so, you are angry because I have been late for our last two team meetings?”

G

•gauge the intensity/importance of the issue: “is this something new or have you been concerned about this for awhile?

E

•engage in solutions to the problem being presented to you: “ok, the next time I am late…”

R

•remind them of your relationship intentions in a positive way: “I am sorry for upsetting you because I really enjoy working with you…

RECOGNIZE THE BLAME GAME ATTACK “ENTITLED” EMOTIONS

-DENY“IT’S NOT ME” -EXPLAIN-

DEFEND -GOSSIPEXAMPLES

EXCUSES

A PROFESSIONAL RESPONSE PUTS IT IN THE… P A S T

Polite & Professional interpersonal introduction and overall tone

Accountability puts the issue in the “PAST”

Agree with one of their points, Apologize & Appreciate a quality or service

Share how you plan to Solve your own problem, “next time I” or ask what to do Thank them for the opportunity to meet/communicate – Tell how you value them with a positive relationship statement

No Excuses!

YOU DO YOU!

GO. BE. LOVE. THE WORLD NEEDS YOU.

THANK YOU!

.

FREE ONLINE BOOK

https://issuu.com/creativenorth/docs/teach_peace_please_share

Let’s Create a “MASTERPEACE”

Dr. Jody Janati | 651.210.2246

findyourconversationpeace.com findyourconversationpeace@gmail.com