THE POWER AND PERILS OF SELF-TALK

WHO YOU TALKIN’ TO?

By Martha Chapman

You talk a lot to your spouse, your kids, your fire house or EMS colleagues, your sports buddies. But there’s one person you talk to far more than anyone else.

YOURSELF.

Since the dawn of time, we humans have been having one-way conversations with ourselves.

Whether we’re trying to fall asleep, navigate traffic or walk through the scenario of our next performance review, that little voice is always there. And it’s not always that little.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SELF-TALK AND YOUR ACTUAL SPOKEN VOICE IS THAT THE ONE IN YOUR HEAD HAS NO FILTER.

Reflecting your subconscious, your personality and current mood, it can be hugely negative (“I’ll never be able to run a mile. Or learn to cook. Or coach my kid’s team” – you fill in the blank).

Negative self-talk can be critical, cynical and whether it’s deep-seated in you because of a belittling parent or childhood teacher, or an attitude that has come about in your adulthood, it can affect your personal relationships, including your sex life.

“It’s normal to have negative thoughts from time to time,”

says CRACKYL contributor and psychotherapist Carrie Fleetwood. “But they can spiral downwards – especially if you struggle with an addiction or compulsive behaviour such as over-eating.”

If this sounds even a bit like you, Fleetwood highly recommends the book “Mind Over Mood” by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky to help you change some of your negative thinking patterns. “It explains how thoughts affect your emotions, not the other way around,” says Fleetwood. If negative

thoughts persist consistently for longer than a month, she suggests you consider getting professional help,

because over time constant negative self-talk can even move people into suicidal thoughts.

At the other end of the spectrum of self-talk is the hugely positive: “I’m so proud that I got that promotion. Check that out – I just lost five pounds! That paint job turned out pretty well if I do say so myself.”

Positive self-talk has been a winning tool for

professional athletes for years – and they have the medals and trophies to prove it. In an early self-talk experiment, darts players were simply told to say to themselves, “You can do it” or “You can’t do it” before they threw the darts. No prizes for guessing what the results were.

POSITIVE SELF-TALK IS ALSO GREAT FOR YOUR CONFIDENCE, WHICH IN TURN MAKES YOU SOMEONE PEOPLE ARE DRAWN TO.

People almost always prefer to spend time with positive people than with those who bring them down.

HOW CAN YOU FRAME YOUR OWN SELF-TALK TO MAXIMIZE THE BENEFITS AND MINIMIZE THE NEGATIVES?

As an emergency responder, you show compassion every day, so why not show some to yourself? You’re called on to make instant decisions which may be a matter of life and death. You have to show patience and be caring to people whom you might not choose as your personal friends, and that can be hard.

CHANCES ARE YOU ARE FAR MORE CRITICAL OF YOURSELF THAN YOU NEED TO BE – AND WHEN YOU GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK, YOUR SELF-TALK WILL REFLECT THAT.

You could start by writing down three items that invade your self-talk with negativity. This will aid focus and help you recognize when these negatives creep in so you can work on deflecting or even banishing them.

It can be hugely useful if you can change your

attitude to being more positive about life. Shifting your focus away from yourself and towards others is a great way to start, as is re-framing some of your perspectives. You may not want to spend the rest of your life with your work mates, but when push comes to shove, chances are they deliver. Yes, your car may be crappy, but at least you have a car. You may be in the worst seat on the airplane but hey, you’re flying somewhere.

It can be also interesting to observe your colleagues, family and friends and catch them when they verbalize their own negative self-talk. When your kid moans about how bad their batting was during the game, offer words of encouragement and focus on future games. Remind a disappointed colleague that there will be other opportunities for promotion.

And speaking of encouragement from others,

how should you handle compliments? Emergency responders are often the most visible heroes in a community (firefighters especially) and it can become embarrassing. On the outside, handle it as graciously as a pro athlete would, and on the inside, tuck it away for those days when you need a rewarding dose of positive self-talk. As cultural commentator David Brooks wrote recently in the New York Times, “Denying or deflecting a compliment is rude. Accept it.”

But over-confidence is not ideal either. Some folks who seem to have the world by the tail and are always in control are actually hiding problems, says Fleetwood.

IT’S BETTER TO BE HUMAN AND LET THE CRACKS SHOW.

And if perhaps your self-confidence starts to puff itself up to larger than life, chances that are that at the firehouse there’s a colleague or two who will good-naturedly step in and offer you a dose of reality – maybe along with a bucket and a toilet brush. There’s nothing like cleaning a toilet to provide time for reflection!