WHY IS SAYING THANK

WHY IS SAYING “THANK YOU” SO HARD IN FIRST RESPONDER RELATIONSHIPS?

By Carrie Fleetwood M.Ed., R.P., O.A.C.C.P.P.

Most firefighters and first responders are high-functioning individuals who achieve more than the average person. They’re

usually adept at keeping a lot of “balls

in the air”: career, homelife, community involvement, fitness, etc. They often receive a lot of praise and admiration for what they do and the risks they take.

FIREFIGHTERS, LIKE MOST HUMANS, THRIVE ON TWO WORDS: THANK YOU.

So you think we’d be generous about dishing out thanks at home too. And yet, in marriage and intimate relationships, it’s often one of the hardest things for you or your spouse to say. Why is that?

Let’s break it down. At home, so many of the tasks are mundane and repetitive: groceries, cooking, cleaning, driving kids to lessons and practices, and laundry, endless laundry. Rinse and repeat. The repetitive aspects of homelife can seem endless, boring and trivial. At work, firefighters get thanked by their colleagues for their assistance on a hard call or their listening ear, and by endlessly grateful victims. Each call and each needy

person is new and different and intense and exciting – the opposite of life at home.

Men and women are different in their need for thanks and praise. Women typically don’t expect to be thanked for staying up with the sick child or doing another load of laundry (there’s that laundry again). Men, on the other hand, expect to be thanked for doing domestic chores.

YOU’RE CONVINCED THAT YOUR SPOUSE SHOULD SEE YOUR NEEDS AND MEET THEM. THIS CAN BE ONE OF THE MOST COMMON SOURCES OF DISAPPOINTMENT IN MARRIAGE.

Men, it appears, feel appreciated and are likely to be more engaged and receptive to requests for help when they are thanked. One of the most common complaints I hear from women is that, even though both spouses are working full time, they do more in the home. And research proves this to be true (in most cases).

It’s a wise spouse who’s quick to thank a partner for helping out.

Perhaps that’s because women are hardwired to keep all the details of the home in their minds. Even when a man is very committed to the smooth functioning of the home, he goes at it differently than a woman. Women want their spouse to think of what needs doing, and not have to be asked. (Like the old saying that when a man reminds his spouse to do something, it’s a reminder. When she asks him more than once, it’s nagging.) Men as a rule are

wired to see the big picture and not all the

details of what it takes to get there. They can be quite willing but don’t necessarily know where to begin beyond the obvious. Consider the background of the firefighter or first responder: Many have a personal history of trauma and perhaps because of this are drawn to a dramatic, intense line of work. They portray strength and independence. They appear not to need to be thanked or affirmed. They’re tough. They’ll face any foe and put aside their fear of danger! But at home, they can be sensitive and easily hurt by the inattention of a spouse who is possibly overwhelmed with managing young children all day and feeling relieved when their mate walks in the door.

Behind all the hurtful situations with your spouse may be your own trauma that’s left you in a fight/flight/freeze state

in the face of personal conflict. You’re not good at being vulnerable and you hate having to ask for your needs to be met. You’re convinced that your spouse should see your needs and meet them. This can be one of the most common sources of disappointment in marriage. When you first got together you were convinced that you and your partner would complete each other and would be able to fix all that was broken in you and in them. You can’t. And that’s hard, especially for a firefighter, to admit. After all, you’re a rescuer! Stop trying to rescue or fix or

blame your spouse and start thanking them for all they do and all that you love about them.

Here’s the thing:

SAYING THANKS GOES A LONG WAY TO EXPRESSING AND EXPERIENCING LOVE

– even more so when it’s done with a kiss or a smile or a touch on the back. But getting the words out involves being vulnerable and vulnerability often goes missing after a few years of marriage. Resentment from all those half-hearted apologies gets in the way. Being vulnerable and tender with words can feel like the last thing you feel like doing. Sometimes there’s a standoff. Neither of you is willing to be first and risk being hurt. Or you’re both stuck on the thought: “They don’t appreciate all I do so why should I thank them?” Refusing to let go of this thought will drive a bigger and bigger wedge between you and your spouse.

A gentle nudge here: you’re used to donning your uniform and having people automatically look up to you and show respect and trust. They see you as brave and strong and they can’t thank you enough for your service to the community. This is heady stuff! Not that these things aren’t true but they only represent one aspect of you. Your spouse knows the weak and selfish sides of you. Be humble

when you walk through the door of your home and “take off the uniform” and the adoration that goes with it. Use the words “thank you” for all the ordinary stuff

that got done while you were gone.

Need more motivation? Think of the different bosses that you’ve worked for. The boss who was affirming and appreciative and complimentary of your work would motivate you to aim higher, to do better in the things you’d achieve, whereas the boss who was critical and cold and distant would deflate you and leave you watching the clock, counting the minutes until the end of the shift. People stop saying “I love you” and “thank you” to their spouses. Try “Thanks for vacuuming even though I know it’s not your favorite thing,” or “I really appreciate you sticking with your job right now when I know you’re not enjoying it,” or “Thanks for remembering the family birthdays” or “Thanks for getting the oil changed on my car.” Each of these will take only a couple of seconds to say but may make a huge difference in your spouse’s outlook on the world – and on you.

If you’re still not convinced, try experimenting on your kids by thanking and praising them for the little nice things they do. So often we fall into a

trap of criticizing our kids when they do wrong but forget to praise them when

they do right. Every time you see them share a toy or refuse to escalate a spat, tell them how proud you are of them.

“Thank you” is a powerful infuser of light and warmth in the home. Said when it doesn’t have to be said,

“THANK YOU” BECOMES A BOOSTER OF SECURE ATTACHMENT AND TRUST IN FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS.

Try it. Keep it up, and see the difference it’ll make – and watch it come back to you.