6 minute read
THE COURAGE TO BE
RELATIONSHIPS
THE COURAGE TO BE Vulnerable
By Tina Bonnett, ED.D, M.ECED., R.E.C.E., Certified Trauma Integration Clinician
"VULNERABILITY IS NOT WEAKNESS; IT’S OUR GREATEST MEASURE OF
BRENÉ BROWN COURAGE.
It won’t surprise you to hear that in a Google search for words associated with firefighters, these words surface: courage, integrity, confidence, bold, risk-taker, stamina, physical strength, and team-player.
These are the characteristics of professionals who are brave, powerful, resilient and the conquerors of all things. They create an image of heroic protectors keeping people and communities safe, while putting their own needs aside.
The irony is that as firefighters care for the well-being of other people, they themselves are regularly denied opportunities to process the wide range of emotions that
are central to being human. This happens for a host of reasons, some of which include gender-based challenges of a predominantly male profession, societal expectation that those who work in emergency services should be tough both mentally and physically, and the lack of time or desire to engage in intentional moments of reflection.
Another significant contributor is that many of us were raised to believe that outward expressions of emotion – apart from happiness or excitement – signal weakness or instability. For others, who operate from an insecure working model of attachment caused by childhood adversity, and for those who have a history of psychological trauma, making emotions visible can create feelings of discomfort.
The pressure to be “perfect” that we or others can place on us can get in the way of revealing our true selves, so instead we work to please and prove in order to protect ourselves from judgment or ridicule. Being open with our emotions is feared, and therefore avoided. What does it mean to be authentically vulnerable? According to an expert in this domain Dr. Brené Brown, vulnerability
“is the emotion that we experience during times of uncertainty, risk, or
emotional exposure.” What’s paradoxical is that the work of a first responder is by definition filled with uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure, but it’s the vulnerability of others, and not our own, that is our focus. The reality is that, just like the community members we protect, first responders also encounter unpredictability, and experience precarious moments in our personal and professional lives. Firefighters are not immune to the stressors that are common to the human condition. We experience childhood trauma, ruptures or tensions in our relationships, illness, financial stress, and work-related pressures such as promotions or changes in roles and responsibilities. These hurdles have undoubtedly worsened in the last couple of years due to the pandemic.
Those who work in the firefighting profession need to think deeply about their own emotional vulnerability, because the capacity to be vulnerable sets the stage for authentic connection with others. Being in genuine, meaningful, and secure relationships with family, friends, and colleagues is not only enjoyable but also contributes to a lowering of stress hormones in the brain and body, fostering optimal health, and nurturing a sense of belonging, which is a primal need for all humans.
On the flip side, when vulnerability is suppressed or disguised, feelings of anger, rage, and denial can hide worries and discomfort about uncertainty, risk, and the potential for others to see our true selves, including all of our
imperfections. This negatively impacts both brain and body, creating emotional, behavioural and attention dysregulation that can result in high levels of stress hormones, addictions, sleep disorders, serious medical conditions, and an array of other unhealthy coping strategies.
Opening yourself up to being vulnerable is key to holistic wellness, but it is not
always easy to achieve. It does not, however, have to involve over-disclosing deeply personal information and/or feelings to just anyone. Only those who have gained our trust should be privy to our life experiences and stories. It is up to each individual to determine with whom they will be vulnerable, and what feelings and information should be shared. One of the best ways to gauge this is to ask yourself: Who
can I turn to when I am sick, hurt, or upset and in need of a safe haven?
Who supports me when I need help to regulate my emotions, in a way that feels unconditional and safe? Who appreciates me and will just “be with” me? Who has earned my trust, allowing me to feel secure when I share my imperfections? Who encourages me to take healthy and informed risks, and then affirms me regardless of the outcome?
If this is a new way of feeling, thinking and operating, have patience with yourself. It may feel destabilizing to shift from the comfort that comes with pleasing others, proving yourself, and concealing your vulnerabilities. You may find it difficult to expose the feelings associated with your doubts, discuss the risks you’re taking or might want to take, and share the emotions you want to express such as disappointment, fear, sadness, and surprise. Being vulnerable takes intentional practice, starting with one other trusting person. Contrary to
what many believe, it is the quality of secure relationships and not the quantity that is the essence of relational health. Give yourself permission to be selective as you begin to navigate a more open way of being.
RELATIONSHIPS
Is being vulnerable with others in your personal or professional life familiar territory or a completely new experience? Either way, consider these ten powerful strategies:
1 . 2 . 3 . 4 . 5 . 6 . 7 . 8 . 9 . 10 .
In line with the 2022 invitation from CRACKYL magazine to take care of YOU, set a goal to open up to the possibilities that are likely to unfold when you risk being vulnerable.
Notice and name the moments when you feel most vulnerable (with certain people, settings, times of day, and topics etc.) Document these reflections.
Reflect on responses of anger, rage, and denial and how you use them to cover up vulnerable feelings. Reflect on how you may use other unhealthy coping strategies to avoid feeling vulnerable.
Be open to receiving a kind and affirming emotional response when you reveal your imperfections and worries to a trusted person.
Pre-plan the disclosure of something you feel vulnerable about to someone with whom you have relational security, and then put that plan into action. Start by saying something along the lines of: “This makes me feel vulnerable, but I trust you with my feelings and insecurities.”
Be clear that you don’t expect or want the person with whom you’re sharing to solve the challenges that you are facing, or “fix” your emotional state, but rather to sit with you in the feelings of discomfort. Simply “being with” is enough.
Expect that others may respond in a way that you had not anticipated as this may feel unsettling for them. Remind yourself that you may have to express your vulnerabilities more than once for it to become more natural and comfortable for both of you.
Develop a tool kit of self-regulating products and tools such as essential oils, sensory materials, therapeutic clay, breathing techniques and/or apps, fidget toys etc., to help you maintain an optimal regulated state as you strive to become more comfortable with expressing your vulnerabilities with others.
Practice, with fellow first responders and family members, the language you need to be vulnerable. Thank them for their frankness and honesty. “Thanks for telling me. I appreciate that you feel vulnerable”, or “Thank you for trusting me with your emotions. They are safe with me."
Have a look at Brené Brown’s work. She has published some very accessible, real, provocative, and humorous books that address the critical need to be vulnerable. "Atlas of the Heart" is a great one to start with. She also has videos on YouTube that are well worth watching.
From now on, to that long list of firefighter traits such as courage, integrity, confidence, and leadership, be sure to add vulnerability.
