SO?

TRIGGER WARNING: Racism

Our institutions should be changing. Audiences in lecture halls now embody the politicized issues that were once mere topics of abstraction amongst a largely monolithic academic community. For some reason, it has been decided that the best way to deal with this is to treat the change as immaterial. Our diversity is only valuable until it becomes a disruption.

BY DANA-KAYE MATTHEWS STUDENT AT MCGILL UNIVERSITY, FACULTY OF LAW

Oct. 22nd, 2021 13:29

Are you seeing this? On the Jamal event?1The girl attacking the faculty and Dean Leckey?

I ignored his texts at first, but he asked me again once we'd settled into our next class together. “Did you see it?” he reiterated.

I gave him a sidelong glance, "You mean when she raised her hand, went to the front of the room, said her piece and sat down once asked? That attack?"

He looked at me for a moment and pursed his lips, “Ok” he conceded. “But, did you hear what she said? She said she can't come to class because she feels 'oppressed every day at this school’.” His incredulity felt nearly physical, suffusing every word.

I admittedly hadn't heard her say that. My Zoom had been acting up.

“Do you feel that way?” he prompted at my silence.

The ‘she’ is Fanta Ly, and she is black. #Black@McGill So am I; hence the question.

Before you ask, no, the asker was not.

“Not really,” I shrugged, but I quickly continued before he could respond, “So? That's how she feels. And to be fair, I've only been here a month.”

That isn’t to say that I enter institutions holding my breath for an inevitable racist scandal, but my past experiences have taught me to never be surprised when they do happen.

Being a marginalized person can feel like questioning your own sanity every day.

Was that an honest mistake or a microaggression? Did they mean what I think they meant? Does it matter if they did? Should I say something, should I say something, should I say something?

During my final year at the University of Ottawa, a professor was temporarily suspended for saying the N-word in class and then, in response to a student’s complaint, suggesting the slur’s appropriateness should be debated in the classroom.2 I remember that time. I remember sitting upright in bed, crying angry tears, and feeling like a fool as I wiped them away.

It felt like that situation touched on everything: academic integrity, respect for diversity,

1 See Gabrielle Genest, "Un invité de la Cour suprême interrompu par des accusations de suprématie blanche" (26 October 2021), online: Le Délit <https://www.delitfrancais.com/2021/10/26/un-invite-de-la-cour-supreme-interrompu-par-des-accusations-de-suprematie-blanche/>. 2 See Joe Friesen, “University of Ottawa professor at centre of controversy involving racial slur says she regrets actions” (21 October 2020), online: The Globe and Mail <https://www.theglobeandmail.com/canada/article-university-of-ottawa-professor-at-centre-of-controversy-says-she/>.

Premier Legault for some reason.3

I’d always conceptualized the issue by imagining the professor’s two dichotomous options:

Use a slur in class without doing the necessary work to address its inherent power imbalance and fraught history.

Thus showing a lack of respect for her students; Opening her students up for attack from illmeaning peers; and Asking students to argue for their dignity whilst their dignity is simultaneously abused by the continued usage of a slur Or, Discuss the same substantive content without using the slur outright.

Thus creating boundaries in the classroom While still managing to discuss the SAME SUBSTANTIVE CONTENT.

I tried to explain this simple decision to one of my own professors, who’d signed a controversial letter of support for her.4 I understood that he wanted to support his colleague and was wary of censorship, but I wanted him to understand why I needed him – as my professor – to respect my very dignity.

He almost cheerfully misunderstood my point of view and waved away most of my points. There was no hostility – just dismissal. Somehow, that was worse.

So I buried my face in my damp pillow. And I felt like a fool.

I still carry the scar of that experience everywhere I go, including here to McGill.

I am very aware that my 'diverse identity' is only interesting until it is a liability. It is only valuable until it becomes a disruption.

And those realities echoed in my head when my classmate asked me his question:

"Do you feel that way?"

I re-watched the clip of the event later. I heard the quiver in her voice.

And I remembered crying in my bed and feeling foolish.

Questioning my own sanity.

But I wasn’t foolish and my god, neither was she.

I later asked Fanta about the moment. I heard her mirthless laugh as she expanded on

3 See Benjamin Schingler, “Quebec premier warns of 'censorship police' after Ottawa professor suspended for saying N-word” (20 October 2020), online: CBC News <https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/montreal/quebec-university-of-ottawa-professor-1.5767737>. 4 See Laura Glowacki, “Students decry letter defending N-word use at the University of Ottawa” (20 October 2020), online: CBC News <https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/ottawa/university-of-ottawa-professor-racism-1.5768730>.

the context.

I felt the raised skin of my scar. I heard every desperate, Should I say something? Should I say something? Should I say something?

“Do you feel that way?”

“Not really,” I said.

“Not yet,” I meant.

Listening to Fanta’s story felt like a future I’d already lived once.

During the N-word incident, I kept arguing to anyone who'd listen that our institutions should be changing. Audiences in lecture halls now embody the politicized issues that were once mere topics of abstraction amongst a largely monolithic academic community. For some reason, it has been decided that the best way to deal with this is to treat the change as immaterial. Our diversity is only valuable until it becomes a disruption.

But it should be a disruption.

We need to learn how to speak to each other. What does respect look like now? What does tolerance look like now? What does challenge look like now?

These discussions and the emotions they elicit have inherent value. My background is in social science and the crux of that field is its humanity. Humanity is interesting because of the emotions, the identities and complexities of people. Humanity is where law lives. It is what makes our field valuable.

When my classmate asked me, “Do you feel that way?” he assumed that my experience could somehow invalidate Fanta’s experience. One person's story is an anomaly, two people's perhaps hints at a pattern. No pattern and no problem.

I disagree.

I didn’t feel that way that day. I don't know if one day I will. I won't be surprised if one day I do.

But I remember every whispered Should I say something? And my professor’s benign smile as he batted each one away.

And I remember crying in my bed, feeling like a fool.

But, god, I know I’m not a fool and neither is she.

And so I’ll challenge you too, “So? That's how she feels.”

And that’s valuable.