A letter with no address

A Leeer With No Address

By Michael Hunter

“Until the lion writes his own story, the tale of the hunt will always glorify the hunter.”

The Soy Autor writing process was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible high quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of young people who have long been underserved and underestimated.Through the process of drafting, revising, illustrating and publishing memoirs, the Author’s Circle members develop reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie, conflict resolution and positive self-projection.

This North Lawndale Author’s Circle has been based at the Firehouse Community Arts Center, as part of Chicago CRED program.

In collaboration with:

A Letter With No Address Michael Hunter

Going 16 years in this world without knowing you were here.

Never seen your face, but all I ever had to do was look in the mirror cause you are literally my twin.

At 13, I started my street life. I was a young, savage, dope dealing lil boy with no guidance, and didn’t know why. Although you were supposed to man up, my mother was part of the blame, too. She felt as if you wasn’t fit enough to be a father.

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One day your sister decided to bring me a stack of pictures. Your sister, “the pop lady”, who would ever think that the pop lady was my aunne? I went over there to get a pop and square which is what she sold as long as I’ve known her.

Out of all the pictures, just one stood out the most. It was like I was looking at a picture of myself. I took the picture and quickly went over to Shedd Park, heart racing, thoughts rushing, lee and right.

I saw my right hand man, Neil before I made it to the park, I stopped and asked, “Aye Lord, who this look like?”

He tried to hold the laugh, but couldn’t.

“Lil Mike! Boy WTF! Who the hell is this?

I slight laugh, “Shidd we bout to find out now.”

We kept walking on to Shedd Park to find my other aunne, my mother’s sister.

Aunne Kim had a lil candy store in the park during the summer. Approaching the gate, I put the picture right there in her face.

“Aunne, who is this man?”

She looked under her glasses and grabbed the picture, “Now, do you really wanna know?”, with a lil smirk, but she had a shocked look on her face.

“Yea,” I said without one facial expression.

“That’s yo daddy!”

“Is he dead?”

“Nope. Call yo mama and ask her ‘bout him.”

I took the picture from her, thinking, “Fuck my mama. Fuck, the whole world!�

I just sat at the park and got high for the rest of the night, wannng to be lee alone.

Now, it’s a new day. That’s a whole new mindset. Now I’m adventurous, dying to know who you were.

Maybe I can live a regular life now?

What if the nigga rich?

What if he don’t fuck with me?

Just all these quessons to myself with no answer. I went back to your sister’s house and made her call you. I remember this day like it was yesterday. Everybody told me not to converse with you and forget about you.

Especially my mother she ain’t want me to even know you fucking existed. She had so much hate towards you and ll this day I don’t know why and she felt she didn’t deserve to give me an explanaaon.

So me being me, I did what I did cause I just wanted to see what the hell you were like in person.

That night siing on that porch on Hamlin waiing for you to pull up, my mind couldn’t do shit but rush. Should I cuss him out? Should I steel o his ass? Should I listen to what he got to say? Should I even ssll be right here, waiing?

Just some of everything on my mind.

But before I could decide you were already right there and out the car. Out of all my shit talking, I did not have a hateful thought cross my mind, just the thought of a new start on life with you.

When I heard you speak, I thought, “This nigga voice is like mine, all soo and shit.”

“Wassup man, we got a lot of shit to talk about. And a lot of stuff I want to fill you in on.”

I just said, “cool ok, bet just get up with me tomorrow.”

I was really just siing there in shock…..

I thought when I first met you that I would be able to drop all this shit and live a liile again at 16, shidd.

Maybe a MF come watch me play basketball, but it ain’t nothing like that , we both wasn’t ready. Shit just made me worse. AAer not knowing you for 16 years, then try to get to know you and fall out and end not talking for another 5 years.

That 5 years of knowing you and not talking was way worse than the 16 years of not knowing you at all.

That night when we were on the phone caused those tragic five years. Hearing you clearly say “fuck you, who the fuck do you think you are”, caused me to flip.

“Nigga fuck you, I been doing this shit and never needed yo bitch ass.”

Click, now it’s hatred toward you.

Cause now in my eyes you are weak! And afraid of responsibility. Reminding myself not to be you and having three kids caused me to take a different look on life and become a man. To do so, I put in my head that I had to make it right, by you and forgive you. I wanted you to be a grandfather to my kids, even though you wouldn’t be a father to me.

October 16th 2017, I was walking the block as usual, It was about 8 o’clock at night and I decided to walk on Ridgeway and Cermak, not knowing when I turned the corner I will be walking right into you.

I said, “Sawbucks” you looked right up at me, eye to eye, but just put your head down and didn’t say nothing. I didn’t say nothing either, but the big quesson is why you didn’t say nothing? How can you just walk passed your first born and not say shit. So me being me, I put it all on you and considered you weak again but not knowing it was just both of us afraid of the man in the mirror which was ourselves.

Oct 17, 2017, The very next morning my phone was blowing up. I’m wondering why I called my OG back and she told me you were dead.

Just my luck, huh?

Soon as I want to start geeng shit together you die. AAer your funeral I received a necklace with your ashes and vowed to never take it off. That was the only thing I had of you, but life never fails to kick me.

I took the chain off one morning to do a lil job and I was in the kitchen so I couldn’t wear jewelry. When i got back home I nooced my chain gone. My thieving ass uncle never seems to care about the value of things he takes, just the thoughts of a fresh high. He knew what was in the chain, he took it anyway.

Now what I got?

You’re gone again.

You just can’t ssck around, huh?

But it’s cool, i’m gonna remain focused and hope you live through me and help me push to achieve the goals im seeng.

Look at me? I’m 22 years old now. Who would’ve thought I’d make it this far, even without you. Went from selling dope, taking care of a child and going to school all in one day. With minimum support. To working, going to culinary school, taking care of 3 beauuful liile girls you never got to meet. All by one beauuful woman you never got to meet, who will one day be my wife.

Most of my support now comes from people who haven’t even known me a whole week, but can understand my pain in two minutes.

I am 22 years lost, 22 years unfocused, 22 years misguided and out of 22 quessons, I only have two.

What kept you away?

Was it you or was it me?

I am from Cermak, From gym shows and basketball tournaments.

I am from the Wood Chucks.

Music, cars with rims, beautiful people.

I am from the corner, gun shots, drugs, and hypes.

I am from great smiles and even better personalities.

From Alex and Joreen, I’m from the get money and Vice Lord.

From not being shit and becoming something.

I’m from Bel-Air Baptist Church I’m from Chicago, IL - Mt. Sinai Banana pudding, dressing and From granny whoopings that turned to lessons.

That crazy ass laugh from my uncle Stanley, Pictures of me and my other cousins posted everywhere.

I am from the big brown rocking chair That My granddad use to sit in.