KAREN FRANK

Bringing comfort to the mourner

I have been speaking and learning about grief for decades in my role as pastoral care nurse. It wasn’t until eight months ago, with the death of David — my husband of 51 years, my closest friend, and my beloved since I was a teenager — that I learned it in my bones.

No two griefs are alike

Your loss of a mother is nothing like his loss of a mother. You are not him, your mother was not his mother, and your relationship was nothing like his relationship. Do not presume to know what his grief is like. Instead of making statements about his grief, or offering reassurances, wait, listen, learn. Then you may learn what his grief is like in this minute.

Grief is experienced in waves

This minute it is one thing, in 10 minutes, it may be experienced differently. Allow for the differences and don’t judge. There is no “better grief ”; the grief that is happening is right for this minute.

Do not judge

Because no two grievers or losses are the same, we can’t possibly pass judgement on someone else’s behavior or experience. Rather, it is our job to stay open and receptive and quiet in order to learn from the griever what they may need from us. Platitudes — “She’s in a better place,” reassurances — “This too shall pass,” pep talks— “You can handle this” are generally not useful unless they come from the griever herself. That is why the consoler should be quiet — to allow the griever to feel her feelings.

Grief is not a contest

How often do we hear “His grief is worse than hers was”? Why make grief competitive? There is no need to quantify trauma And there is no need to share your own experiences with loss. His grief is the only grief that matters in this minute. As the consoler, be with it.

Wait

Why am I talking? When not knowing what to say makes us nervous, we likely say too much. Watch for that tendency in yourself. We all do it. Ask yourself instead, Why am I talking? Wouldn’t just being quiet with the griever be more appropriate? Our tradition teaches that during shiva, we WAIT for the mourner to speak We learn it is our presence, not our words, that brings comfort

Because we all grieve differently and because even our own grief is changeable, there are no “right words” we can offer. Our attention, our presence, our empathy for what the griever is experiencing is how to bring comfort and healing to the mourner.