Confidence is The Magazine

CONFIDENCE IS THE MAGAZINE ISSUE 2 JUNE, 2021

Mental Health: Emotional Effects of Fatherhood

Dr. Thomas Franklin Freeman A Letter to my "Unofficial Father"

Father's Day Issue

by: Wendell King II

Life after Colon Cancer

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A Letter to my Unofficial Father Father's Day, a day nationally observed to remind us to cherish and celebrate our fathers in some way. A day filled with thanks and adoration, for the love and care we’ve received and are receiving, from our dads. I wanted to pen this month’s writing by simply acknowledging my many heroes….my dads. Of course this holiday normally lacks sentimental or emotional praise. Most men within the Black community come from an era where being the stoic “man of the house” was the norm and in many way, was expected. So with limited words of praise I will make it swift and easy: I have, in my forty plus years on earth, met and known many amazing dads, and as an eager student of history have read about many dynamic men, yet, I can truthfully say nothing makes me prouder than to be a “son” of Rev. Isaiah “Papi” Thomas and Dr. Thomas Franklin Freeman.

Papi, taught me more by example, than words could ever sum up about the principles of honesty and dignity. Your “word” was your “bond”.

From tying a tie to feeding a family that is hungry. You showed me what a man looks like and acts like. You were not perfect and things were revealed but the lessons that you taught me were greater and more impactful on my life than you obviously knew. I was not your grandson but moreover, I was your star pupil watching every step you made. I was defining my future self every moment I was privileged to be in your presence.

Papi, thank you for always allowing me to exist however I organically felt. Thank you for supporting me and cheering me through my academic contests just as strongly, and loudly, as you did for a baseball game that I wanted no parts of. Thank you for showing me that I was already “good enough”.

Dr. Freeman, you entered my life at one of the most critical phases of my life. As a high school senior, I really had no idea what was to come. I was juggling military, Grambling State, Texas Southern & USC. When I told you of this saga you laughed at me and told me that I would be attending TSU. Immediately, I told my grandparents that was my final choice. A choice I have never regretted.

Doc, you lifted me up every time I considered failure. You taught me what it meant to be a champion even when you lose. You instilled a pride in me that can never be infiltrated. You taught me how to shape my narrative and manifest my dreams through my divine relationship with God and my reality. You allowed me to be me. I can remember planting seeds in your garden in the spring and going up a ladder to put up Christmas lights for Mrs. Freeman in the winter. You taught me discipline. I could go on and on but there’s no need when the response is so clear: Thank You. So no, neither of these two men were my biological father. What they were meant more to me than a donor could ever produce. They taught me excellence. My grandfather never allowed me to back down from any opportunity and he wasn’t afraid to allow me to exist in a nontraditional way. Dr. Freeman saw this young wild child that had so much promise but lacked discipline. He introduced me to reality. He (Doc) and my grandfather immediately connected and it is my belief that they both knew that I needed them in my life at the same time. Papi taught me how to tie my shoes in such a way that they would never come off and Doc taught me how to walk in rooms that didn’t even know they needed my presence.

Dr. Freeman, you took me under your wings as a raw, untamed Black boy from the north side of Houston. Our relationship was instant. I walked into your office and said, "Do you remember me?" and you slowly looked at me and said "Should I?". I laughed and told you that I met you when I was 14. You stared and asked did I perform Go Down Death. I quickly said "yes sir. I told you that I was now entering Texas Southern. You asked me if I was interested in joining the Debate Team. Me being myself, I decided to give you my entire schedule.

When I told you that I ran track, you sat back in your chair. When I told you that I was in the concert band and that I was a cheerleader, you laughed. Immediately you put me to work and I never stopped winning for you. YOU WERE MY COACH. Doc the lessons that you taught me coupled with the lessons from my mother and grandparents have made me the man I am today. Because of you, I've yet to meet a challenge I can't win. You forced me to see beyond my dreams. You opened up a section of my imagination that was often titled A Dream Deferred, and made it my reality. As a student, you taught me discipline, pride, class and tolerance. As a human you taught me the importance of loving people through their ugly in order to assist them in finding their beauty. You taught me to never lower my standards in order to fit in, but rather, to always stand on my morals in order to give someone a reason to reach higher. YOU WERE MY TEACHER. I can remember the countless conversations we shared. The moments where I thought I was ready to give up on me, yet somehow your words always sent me out ready to conquer any and everyone in my path. YOU WERE MY CHAMPION. Although I am still crying, please know that you've earned your rest. You have single handedly changed my life. Being your assistant coach for the past eleven years taught me the power of passion. I have studied you beyond any person’scomprehension! I knew what you would say before you said it. I knew what seat you preferred. I understood your discomforts. I knew exactly how many grains of rice you wanted and I knew when to tell you no when you thought you wanted that milkshake. YOU WERE MY RESPONSIBILITY. When I threw your 90th birthday party, I looked at you and said that I would throw a party every year because you deserved it. Thanks to Dr. Glo, I never missed one. At your 100th, you grabbed my hand and told me that it was the best one yet. I looked back at you and promised that the next one would be even better. It looks like we will be celebrating it two weeks earlier than planned. YOU WERE MY CELEBRATION. Now, just as so many others, it is time to bid my farewell in the physical. I can't stop crying, laughing, thinking and praying. Everything that is good about me came from my mother Lorene, my Grandpa Isaiah, my Grandma Mildred and my mentor Thomas Franklin Freeman.

Thank you for loving me through my ugly and helping me find my beauty and my voice. YOU ARE NOW ONE OF MY ANGELS. Thank you for being my “unofficial dad”.

Wendell King II

Doc, you lifted me up every time I considered failure. You taught me what it meant to be a champion even when you lose. You instilled a pride in me that can never be infiltrated. You taught me how to shape my narrative and manifest my dreams through my divine relationship with God and my reality. You allowed me to be me. I can remember planting seeds in your garden in the spring and going up a ladder to put up Christmas lights for Mrs. Freeman in the winter. You taught me discipline. I could go on and on but there’s no need when the response is so clear: Thank You. So no, neither of these two men were my biological father. What they were meant more to me than a donor could ever produce. They taught me excellence. My grandfather never allowed me to back down from any opportunity and he wasn’t afraid to allow me to exist in a nontraditional way. Dr. Freeman saw this young wild child that had so much promise but lacked discipline. He introduced me to reality. He (Doc) and my grandfather immediately connected and it is my belief that they both knew that I needed them in my life at the same time. ding

When I threw your 90th birthday party, I looked at you and said that I would throw a party every year because you deserved it.

Thanks to Dr. Glo, I never missed one. At your 100th, you grabbed my hand and told me that it was the best one yet. I looked back at you and promised that the next one would be even better. It looks like we will be celebrating it two weeks earlier than planned. YOU WERE MY CELEBRATION.

Love on Lay-a-way "Don't let nobody save you for later"

"Love on layaway" is when a person wants you to wait until they’re ready. This is the reason we gotta see the good in “Goodbye”.

I recently rekindled a relationship with someone from my past thinking I “know” him honey people change. I am well put together independent and loyal to a fault. I’m always available but he’s not.

He thought he was gonna be able to call me once a week and waste my time

😂 I pay

attention to patterns and I don’t waste my time so I started making mental notes. This man thought he could have me in his back pocket while he deal with whomever he wants “Sir go to hell”. The bar has been set so low that men think we”ll accept anything. The best thing above going through hell is you don’t make a u-turn. I’m not willing to relax my standards or revisit abusive/neglectful behavior. I’m not hard to deal with I’m just not easy to play with. I’ll never trade my peace for anybody presence.

Jook

Surviving By: LaRonda Humphrey

Whew chile, this one right here took me out and brought me back in! Trying to reconcile what I want to share vs. what I know I need to share has been emotionally and mentally challenging. I knew writing this article was going to open old wounds and peel off the scab on the newly healed ones. It took my daughter, Jasmin to remind me “You say you’re ready to share who you really are and share your journey with the world. You should write just like you talk to me- Transparent and raw. Use this platform you’ve been given.”

My story of survival is one that’s still being written. I often say my life is like a darn good movie, but the book is even better! My truth is so blunt, you can smoke it! Every story has a beginning. Every structureno matter how stable or unstable has a foundation. Well, here’s mine Vegan style-raw and uncut...

There were three men who played pivotal roles in my life- in my life as a child, as a young girl, as a young adult and as a grown woman. Those three men, unbeknownst to them would be the blueprints I would follow in every relationship I would have. I would combine every thought, feeling, action or word and allow them to mold my perspective of love and relationships.

My grandfather, who became more like my surrogate father after my mother passed away was the kind of man I wanted all my men to be like come hell or high water! “Poppie” as we affectionately called him was what I considered to be the epitome of what a “real man” was. He was God-fearing and strong in stature and spirit. He was a provider. He stood on what he believed.

Shortly after my mother died I became pregnant. I was 18 years old. On the way to my first dr’s appointment I remember being in the back seat and Poppie said, “Lorenda (mine and my mother’s names combined)I’m going to be here for you. I’m going to do all the things for you that I didn’t do for your mama.”

I never knew what he was referring to and I never asked him. I’d get that answer and so many more much much later. Even though he’d been retired for many years, Poppie would still get up at the break of dawn every morning to start and warm the cars, feed his chickens and ducks and make a pot of coffee. He was truly a jack of all trades. On any given day, he might be doing laundry (fading everybody’s ish lol), or under some shade tree working on someone’s car. You could even call him to fix your washer or dryer! Catch him during the right time of year, and you might find him in the back yard butchering a hog to make some hog-head cheese, pork chops, bacon and everything in between to share with many of our family, friends and church members. My Poppie was THE man-at least that’s what I saw.

I learned early “what goes on in this house". I also learned everything that glitters ain't gold. But, I still loved my Poppie. Then, there were my two dads. One biological father, the other physical. I've always known who my biological father was although I don't remember how old I was when I first met him. I do know at one time, we lived less than tow miles from him and his new family and I still hardly saw him.

Surviving.. ...

From what I was told, he cheated on his first wife with my mother then cheated on my mother with his next wife! I don’t really know how true that is cause that came from someone who seemed to delight in making my mother look unseemly in more ways than one. My bio-dad would use the same “I’m gonna come get you this weekend” promise that was rarely fulfilled. That promise was made so many times that I stopped expecting him and would be pissed if he did decide to grace me with his presence because I never really felt accepted by the other women in his life and I dreaded going around them and having to pretend that I was happy to be there. I learned early on to expect and accept what I now know was rejection. As I got older and was really able to peep things, I noticed he’d always blame my mother for his lack of attendance in my life. In all fairness to him, he did try to form a relationship with me as I got older, but he wasn’t consistent or persistent. I learned early on that I wasn’t a priority and I should get in where I fit in. But where was that? Where did I belong?

Who did I belong to? Over the years, he has tried to reach out to me and develop a better relationship. Unfortunately, I don’t want a relationship with him. I feel like it would be a betrayal to my daddy-my physical daddy. I’m almost ashamed to feel and say that but it’s my truth. Although the man who raised me wasn’t my father by blood, he was my father in every other sense of the word, no matter how dysfunctional it was. Blood wouldn’t have made us any closer! Wendell King Sr was my daddy first. Then he became my father. That saying perception is reality is indeed true. While everyone else saw an illiterate, abusive and disrespectful alcoholic, I saw the man who taught me how to drive when I was twelve. I saw the man who rode his bicycle from Tidwell and Hirshe Rd. to Tidwell and Antoine to bring me money to pay my light bill. Through all of the domestic abuse I witnessed, I still loved my daddy. All those years I witnessed the trauma he caused on my closest loved ones, I still loved my daddy. I remember going to my daddy after my ex-husband and I had separated for a short time. I was sitting on his bed crying and all he could say was “Don’t come to me crying about your troubles. I have my own I need to worry about.” I was crushed! But I still loved my daddy cause I was wise enough by then to realize if he was “there” for me at the time, that would mean he’d have to own his past and he wasn’t quite ready for that. But after so many dysfunctional years, I began to see a change in him. He stopped drinking and smoking. He started going to church. He started seeking forgiveness for the pain he caused-the pain that he afflicted with his bare hands on his namesake. I saw the evolution of a King! He wanted redemption for what he was finally able to admit. But, was it too late? Near the end of his life cycle, he made peace. He made peace with the ones closest to him. Now, my bio-dad is in failing health. Every time my stepsister puts a message in our group chat with updates on him, I only glance at them. Sometimes I respond, sometimes I don’t. I don’t feel the same way I felt when it was my physical daddy. When my physical daddy became ill, I’d drive from Baton Rouge to Houston every weekend no questions asked.

So why is it that now it seems more of a chore if I’d do it for my bio-dad. Notice I said “if”. I haven’t been to see him yet and I’m not sure if I ever will. I have not seen him since 2015 and I rarely speak to him. One of the last conversations we had was when he called to offer his condolences for the passing of as he stated “my step-father”. When he said that I instantly got pissed!! My stepfather??!!!?? WTH??!! He continued to inform me of his own failing health, but by that time all I heard was “wonk wonk wonk wonk”. That old familiar wall of resentment went up. How dare him call MY daddy step anything!! I know, I know. That’s crazy, huh? But it’s my truth. Now I’m at a crossroad.

Should I go see him or should I just let it be? And now I wonder, who’s feeling those two miles?

Bites by Bee, LLC @bitesbybeehouston

· Chef

She Didn’t Quit tho' Learning to Live After Death In June of 2012, I gave birth to my only child Grace Serenity. Unfortunately she only lived eighteen minutes. After the loss of my daughter, I spent the next four years secretly angry with God as well as myself. How could the one thing I wanted most in life be taken from me? I knew God didn’t make mistakes but why did this tragedy have to happened to me?

Especially when a year earlier, I lost my father, the only man I ever felt who truly loved me “unconditionally”. I had so many questions and no one could give me any answers that would ease my pain. I truly was in a state of depression, yet I was somehow able to function daily.

In those years my weight gain would continue to spiral out of control as well as losing love for myself. I was ashamed and felt unloved. I felt like no one would ever want to love me since I would not be able to carry a child full term. This was the first time in my life I simply hated who I was becoming. I would put on a “happy go lucky” mask everyday so that no one would know how I truly felt about myself. I was not only physically unhealthy but also declined emotionally and mentally.

After four years of dying, I needed to decide if I wanted to live or die. Although I was in my state of depression, I decided to live. I also needed to deal with the real issues which were I allowed life circumstances and my deepest desire to be loved to determine my identity in this world. I began working out and eating clean. The weight seemed to dissipate effortlessly. While losing weight, I worked hard to face the truth about myselfwhich was needing to rekindle the love for myself I once had. In a sense I was chiseling away every lie I told myself concerning me. I was beginning to live AGAIN.

I am in no way near where I want to be as far as weight loss, but I am right where I need to be as far as loving myself. My knight in shining armor has not arrived but I perfectly content with who I am physically, mentally, and emotionally now. I used to wake up each morning wishing to be loved. Now I wake up every morning grateful to God knowing I am loved so I am free love.

As a practice of mine now I also wake up each day with the well to live. I truly believe whatever you think or say you have the potential to become. So it is important to start your day with a positive mind set. There are some mindfulness exercises that may be done each morning to start your day. For me, I never rush out of bed. I take a moment to put my day into perspective and think about how I will be intentional about accomplishing goals I have set for that day. Finally, I recite my daily affirmations. This has allowed my to live for today.

I truly believe everyday is a good day. We may have bad moments in our day but our days are good. Keep on doing what you need to do to become mentally strong as well as physically fit.

But like I always say… see you at the finish line and do not forget to be kind.

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Healthy Eating Options By: Kevida Gued

Kevida Gued: Tell me who you are and where you’re from?

Chef: I’m Donny Ells, and from Youngstown, Ohio

Kevida: When did your love for cooking begin?

Chef: It began watching my grandmothers cook What does cooking do to/for you?

Mevida: Do you believe home cooked meals bring the family closer together?

Chef: Yes I do Kevida: Did your children love your cooking growing up? Their favorite meal prepared by you?

Chef: My children loved my cooking, and their favorite meal was my Creamy Mac & Cheese Kevida: What advice would you give to a man, who may want to help prepare meals for his family but not the best cook?

Chef: I would suggest to start with simple ingredients: Baked Chicken, mashed potatoes, and mixed vegetables.

From there add more items when ready/comfortable

Kevide: What’s your signature dish?

Chef: Chef Donny’s Rubbed Smoked Brisket

Kevida: What’s been your favorite cooking position in the workforce?

Chef: By far it would be Traveling Sous Chef for private parties

Kevida: What’s your favorite type of event to cook for?

Chef: I narrowed it down to Family Reunions and Private Parties Kevida: Have you had the opportunity to cook for any celebrities?

Chef: Yes I have Chef Roble Ali Kevida: What tips do you have in reference to healthy cooking?

Chef: Use Garden Fresh Vegetables, Lean Meats, and very little starch Kevida: What current project are you working on?

Chef: I’m currently a Voiceover Artist for an app called AuraHealth for Sleep and Mediation, in addition to some Bible Stories.

Kevida: What would you tell someone who has an interest in cooking, but scared to go for it?

Chef: Just go for it!!!! Take the risk, it will be worth it.

Kevida: What tips do you have in reference to healthy cooking?

Chef: Use Garden Fresh Vegetables, Lean Meats, and very little starch Kevida: What current project are you working on?

Chef: I’m currently a Voiceover Artist for an app called AuraHealth for Sleep and Mediation, in addition to some Bible Stories.

Kevida: What would you tell someone who has an interest in cooking, but scared to go for it?

Chef: Just go for it!!!! Take the risk, it will be worth it.

Kevida: Who would you love to collaborate with? Chef: It would have to be Chef Justin Sutherland. He’s a cool guy and I think we would vibe very good together.

Kevida: How has cooking impacted your life?

Chef: Cooking has let me see the world and take risks I wouldn’t have took Closing Thoughts: Be yourself, take risks, and dream big

Wise Nugget Sometimes being silent is the best thing (hard but necessary). Especially when you know sooooo much and have seen sooo much behind the scene aka a person's true character with and without a title. Too many people agree and connect with foolishness (social media post, conversations, etc) with only knowing one side of the story when there is always two. The sad part is it’s all wasted energy Pride is the mother of downfalls Seek Therapy (trauma is real) Set Boundaries Watch what you hear and see Protect your peace even when flesh arises shhhhhhh.

Exposure is not necessary. God see all #BelieveThat #IAmShonnaStoot #NoShadeJustFacts #HumbleIsTheWay #SaveYoSelf #LearnedFromExperience #IveBeenDelivered #ChooseGod #ChooseYou #ChooseFreedom

UPDATE PSA: This is just an honest FACT!

THE DRESSING ROOM Creative versatile and passionate about her craft Adrienne Shanelle has been able to establish herself as a successful stylist for over 20 years with that Adrienne feels that she can style almost anyone and everything . Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers . This months Dressing Room issue is dedicated to you . hopefully my observation and thoughts on fashion can help you refine the way you present yourself.

No First who you are and then adorn your self accordingly. The first step to be respected fellas is to look respectable .always dress well keep it simple but significant . I can’t say it enough Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication guys!! Your Style and confidence requires knowing yourself and where and what you feel best in. BeYou unapologetically!!

It's Father's Day Month and we are saluting Father's and Fatherhood. In the Dressing Room we don't discriminate, we dress men as well. I decided to honor the love of my life, my husband.

Here we have him in a causal Saturday Stroll outfit and on the right he is Dressed to the Nines. Honey!!! He Gets a 10+ on my SCORECARD and in my heart and the hearts of his children and family.

By: Adrienne Shanelle

Happy Father's Day to My Husband, My Daddy, My Father and All who have played the role of Father You ARE Appreciated.

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