I'm sorry!

When do you say it? How easy or difficult is it for you to express? When and how do you most need to hear it?

Apologies are hard sometimes. And they feel risky sometimes. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t heard, received, needed or struggled with them. Apologies are part of the DNA of relationships.

But did you know there are different “languages” of apology?

I’ve written before about languages of love, made familiar by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book “The Five Love Languages.” They are: acts of service, words of a rmation, gi s, physical touch and quality time. They are the topic of conversation at some point every single day in my counseling practice. So, it stands to reason that apology is a close, if not equally, popular topic.

The idea that we express love and feel loved in different ways has become fairly common knowledge. Understanding the languages and their dialects still takes a little practice and nessing for most couples. It’s a process of trial and error. Which is one of the very reasons we also talk o en about apology.

A basic de nition of relationship is “a state of being connected.” When one member of the relationship miscommunicates or behaves in some way that feels hurtful to the other, there is a need to repair the connection. How successfully or quickly that hurt is healed depends, in part, on whether the apology is conveyed in the receiver’s language.

Dr. Chapman has studied apology languages as well as love languages. According to him, they are:

“I was wrong.” The apology is not coupled with self-justi cation or excuses. It is seen as a sign of strength and maturity to admit being wrong.

“I want to change.” That commitment to change is the key ingredient for some. The evidence (change actually occurring) is critical.

The injured party is looking for sincere evidence of the “o ender’s” own emotional pain in having wounded the other party. The verbal and nonverbal cues are all being considered by the o ended.

“Will you forgive me?” This requires vulnerability, a desire for restoration and prioritizing that restoration over retaining control or risking rejection.

“What can I do to make it right?” This one is almost always based on the need to know, “Am I still loved?”

Any guesses as to which your top apology language is? Mine is “expression of regret.” My dear husband is highly aware that when he has “committed an o ense” against me, what I need in order to move toward restoration is to hear and see the emotional impact the situation has had on him. And his is “accepting responsibility.” He experiences reconnection between us when I am able to put on my big girl pants and say I was wrong … no excuses.

Now, do those come easily to either of us? I wish I could say yes, but they don’t. We didn’t even really learn how important they were to each of us, or how to express them e ectively, until the more recent years of our marriage. We certainly could have used this information in the early years! That is exactly why I’m so passionate about sharing these tips and insights with you all.

So, if you feel like you’re o en struggling to heal hurts in your relationship, maybe it’s time to learn your apology languages. A quick quiz is available at 5lovelanguages.com. You can also nd more info in the book “When Sorry Isn’t Enough.” And don’t forget that counselors are love and apology language translators ready to help you gain new insight into your relationships.

NOTE: This article is directed toward those in generally healthy relationships. If your relationship is unhealthy (abusive, manipulative, etc.) please seek professional support for yourself rst, and address the dynamics of the relationship if or when it is deemed appropriate and safe.