What is a Man? Anton Jahn-Vavrus

What is a man? A question that eludes me to this day. You see, I grew up with a mom and a dad, but I always felt closer to women. Thus, I lived happily in the feminine world.

I never thought twice about why it’s weird for me to have bright pink women’s shoes or why having a lime green purse wasn’t fire.

Society would say I was confused I mean, wouldn’t you agree? Have you ever met a young man who’s favorite sport to watch was women’s basketball?

No? Ok, let’s go with that, then I was confused. Word: gay Definition: not a man Synonyms: weak or effeminate A word that has been thrown on me for many years from eighth grade on I’ve had countless people tell me I talked gay looked gay built gay dressed gay and am gay.

Now, is there any problem with being gay? No. But in my case, it wasn’t about my sexuality. It was what that word meant in those contexts.

Homosexuality in a straight man’s vocabulary means not a real man.

So, what does it mean if the cool guys The pretty girls and my best friends are placing this word on me?

It means I have to change. It means I have to research who this so-called real man is.

YouTube search history: How to be an alpha male? How to text girls? How to gain muscle? How to not be a nice guy?

And so that’s what I did.

After lots of investigation I have finally found out what a real man is: He’s not nice. No, you cannot be nice and a man. You have to pick one. I mean, come on how are you supposed to be nice and get girls, stupid?

He’s confident, oh yeah super confident. Shoulders back. Chest up. Eyes up. 24/7.

And finally He doesn’t need help. Depressed, traumatized, suicidal don’t tell anyone, say you’re just tired.

Well, sophomore and junior years I went along with those ideas. Devoted myself to gaining muscle changed my hair my clothes, my walk, my talk and whatever else I outlined as a problem. This time of life is usually referred to as my glow up.

So, what happened? I got more attention more confidence and found that bettering yourself can be enjoyable. Yet…

I also began to reflect the attitudes of my peers regarding women, the LGBTQ community and my world as a whole.

Was I a horrible person? No. The other parts of me still existed they were just overshadowed.

Overshadowed by my reenactment of what I thought a man was.

To get where I’m at today I had to rediscover myself connect with my inner child hear critiques about my actions and be brutally honest with myself.

Only then could I answer my question: what is a man?

I… I am a man.

A man who understands how he was conditioned to this world. A man with friends real enough to check him and let him know that they missed the old Anton.

I am a man.

A man who cries and seeks help for his mental health and talks about his feelings with other men. A man who does hair masks wears onesies and tucks his stuff animals into sleep every night. A man who is learning to listen first speak second.

I am a man. A man who is goofy beyond belief works out at the gym six days a week and still needs a hug.

I am a man who wants to give up some days to lay it all down quit.

I am a man who’s tired tired of the fact that the only person who listens and validates my emotions is being paid to do so.

Tired of having so many emotions built up that when I open up I make my therapist cry.

A man who’s f***in’ tired.

Tired of having to be strong all the time. Tired of being told I'm not that depressed.

I’m f***in’ tired.

Tired of trying to keep my friends alive of being the only one who gets that late night call about suicide.

I’m f***in’ tired.

One of my friends died last year and one of the last things I said about him was that he acts gay. I’m tired of being a man a man who believes that men can cry.

Anton Jahn-Vavrus, Grade 12 South Senior High School, Minneapolis Teaching Artist, SEE MORE PERSPECTIVE