Mental Health

MORE DIFFERENT, LESS OF THE SAME Beware the MIND TRAP

„ MINDSET | MARCUS WHEAN

AS the old saying and definition of insanity goes: “Doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result”.

It is unfair to describe this as a definition of insanity, but it is such a very common phenomenon. In fact, most, if not all, of us can relate to this.

Not that we are all insane or crazy but much like my last article, we are very much habitual creatures where our thoughts, behaviours and personality is based on patterns and habits of repetitive behaviour.

Sigmund Freud was a pioneer for psychology. Like him or not; agree with or disagree with him; either way he had an impact on the science of psychology and impact on the psyche of our society and collective psychology.

He was very much interested and proposed that we are all guided by basic instincts; and that if over the course of our development our instinctual needs were not adequately met, we got, in a way ‘stuck’ in a pattern of behaviour that is present in our everyday functioning but has its roots in unmet needs from the past. He coined a term for this, repetition compulsion.

Repetition compulsion is about how we seek out needs (that are linked to the past) in adaptive, and sometimes, maladaptive ways.

These are traits and aspect of our personality and behaviours that are often unconscious but guide what we do consciously.

These are traits that we exhibit or act up on often without thinking, driven by often string emptions – hence, compulsively.

For instance, someone might have been impacted in their developmental needs and as a way of coping with this, instead of dealing with it then (because a child lacks the ability) they might ‘adapt’ to it by changing the approach to the environment.

Behaviours such as perfectionism, which are often compulsive, are not about doing things perfectly but an (mal) adaptive way to feel good about oneself; or rather, not feel bad about oneself.

Other behaviours might be selflessness, people-pleasing, or even more problematic behaviours such as addiction. The function of the adaptive trait or behaviour is to try and have that unmet need met. The need might be around love, attention, self-esteem for instance.

Furthermore, the function of the behaviour is a proxy for ‘re-enacting’ the past in such a way to attain the love, validation or self-esteem need that was thwarted.

This issue is that people become consciously aware that these behaviours don’t result in attaining the need and can become resentful at themselves or at others. Yet, they keep doing it over and over expecting or hoping for a different result. They feel compelled like they cannot do it. The pattern goes on and on.

A more contemporary conceptualisation of this is by way of schemas. A schema is a template for certain behaviours to be enacted once triggered by an event that corresponds to a developmental issue in childhood. I call them mind traps.

Basically, these mind traps, when activated, almost seem to cause us to act in ways we’d otherwise prefer not to. We may wish we weren’t as compulsive, perfectionistic, or passive etc.

Stuck is all we get…

Yet, we find ourselves compelled to do and this becomes frustration because it is a re-enactment of the past; we are trying to resolve it with the schema adaptation, but it is ultimately a mind trap and we fall in; making the same mistake over and over. It was a way with dealing with our past childhood environment; but it no longer serves us or is needed; but we do it anyway.

I guess you could say we are trying to kind-of heal the past, but we invariably end up maintaining the negative effect the past had on us.

Moreover, the more we do the same; repetition compulsion we are living outside our instincts and intuitions. This is the tension we feel – even at worse depression/anxiety; and the frustrating part of this whole thing.

We want to be happy, to be ourselves and all that lovely stuff but we keep unknowingly get ourselves stuck because we are trying to redo our past and, in a way, ‘master’ it. Unfortunately, stuck is all we get. Same thing, same result.

So, what can you do? This isn’t easy work to do alone but one thing you can start doing is journaling every night to reflect on your behaviours and history. You can and should ask yourself why do I do this? What need does it serve? What are my needs? The needs which were affected are still valid.

The thing we need to do is to learn how to self-validate and practise selflove. What we still look for outside of us is keeping us stuck so we must practise going inward. Meditation practise is good thing for this.

And, another quick tip is to have personally meaningful goals that you can work on and towards every day. These keep you conscious and focussed on what is important to you. Implicit in this is self-value.

Having goals also helps to maintain boundaries and maybe you can help mitigate the chances of getting sucked in by and triggered by people and places that active the mind traps and patterns of repetition compulsion.

I have a saying….”less of the same, more of the different”. Set intentions and be intentional based more on your intuition. Even just today, or one day at a time, be conscious of your behaviours.

You know how you want to be. Focus on being that way – just today! Trust in the psychological process of habits.

Practise self-love and validation; Change your actions and you can change your mind, break old patterns and be the person and live the life you want to.

Love is a solution to repetition compulsion.

Marcus Whelan is a Registered Psychologist and Mental Fitness Coachwith 10+ years’ experience in private practice. He holds undergraduate and postgraduate degrees in psychology and education. Visit: www.marcuswhelanpsychology. com.au

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ALGORITHM HAS REPLACED THE DANCE RHYTHM The world of scam dating

„ DALLAS SHERRINGHAM

IHAVE just started a new love affair with 1000 plus beautiful ladies who wouldn’t look twice at me in the real world down at the local club.

Yes folks, you too can get approached by a ‘stunner’ or a ‘hunk’, simply by going online and paying a small fee to a dating site.

In fact, you don’t even have to go online to a dating site, you can miraculously find a young lady who is willing and able to do virtually anything to become your partner in an email.

I have just received an email from ‘WhatsFlirt’ informing me that no less than 21 women just had to meet me and they all lived in Sydney. Their ages ranged from 22 to 52 and so I wrote to every one asking them what suburb they lived in or what was their phone number?

Not one wrote back with an answer containing any facts. I had been scammed. The web site also said 73 women had visited my profile. Apparently by visiting another site and signing up, WhatsFlirt received my details.

This story all came about because I was writing a story on Online Dating for Mature Traveller magazine on finding a travelling partner online.

Apparently thousands of Australians, mostly males, fall for online scam sites and dish out their hard earned cash because they genuinely believe they are conversing with a real lady.

Sometimes they are actually talking to a real person, but even that can be a massive scam.

According to the Federal Government’s Scamwatch service, scammers take advantage of people looking for romantic partners, often via dating websites, apps or social media by pretending to be prospective companions. “They play on emotional triggers to get you to provide money, gifts or personal details.”

These criminal lovers often use real dating romance to gain your trust.

Scamwatch says their profile on the internet dating website or their Facebook page is not consistent with what they tell you. “For example, their profile picture looks different to their description of themselves, or they say they are university educated but their English is poor.”

This is not to say there aren’t many genuine dating web sites where you can meet someone and they end up being your life partner. It Sseems the algorithm has replaced the dance rhythm when it comes to dating in 2022.

According to a report by Stanford University more couples now meet online then socially. “Meeting a significant other online has replaced meeting through friends. People trust the new dating technology more and more and the stigma of meeting online seems to have worn off,” the report said.

So how do you find a genuine dating site?

The better known mainstream sites like eHarmony, Seniorfriendfinder, Adultfriendfinder, Tinder and Biaustralia are your best bet to find a partner to suit your personal preference.

However most will attempt to charge you a monthly or annual fee to upgrade to level where you can check profiles and send messages,

According to Google, Tinder has two males for every female. And dating app revenue was $5.61B in 2021, even though Tinder — the most popular app — has a free version.

Nearly 280m online users of dating services were forecast for 2024, with 113m users of matchmaking services and 70m casual daters

According to a December 2021 survey by Statista, 3.2m people from Australia were actively seeking partners online. However, out of these, only 0.6m pay for online dating services, while the remaining 2.6m are classified as non-paying users

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Blacktown Snapshot

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1IT doesn’t take much to convince Blacktown’s residents that the area has some of the most diverse weather conditions in Australia at times. It might be sweltering summer heat or freezing winter mornings that we dislike the most, but it is the region’s storms that wreak the most havoc. And the gurus at NRMA Insurance Data agree with us. They just released details of the record wild weather claims for Spring and it turns out Blacktown topped the list in Greater Sydney and was second in NSW behind Coffs Harbour. Blacktown LGA made 9% of the claims and Penrith 5.4%. More: 17. LUNAR NEW YEAR SATURDAY 5 FEBRUARY 5 PM – 9 PM Nurragingy Reserve, Knox Road, Doonside For more information visit blacktown.nsw.gov.au Free event- bookings essential STORM CITY Weather Tracker reveals Blacktown data 1143,259 local jobs Blacktown Council wants to help residents live longer, happier, healthier lives, which is why we launched our More Active More Often campaign during Local Government Week. The campaign will see two projects in each of Council’s five wards that will upgrade existing facilities or build new ones to help locals be more active more often while enjoying the outdoors after lockdown. Riverstone Park’s 4 netball courts, Little Athletics facilities, and public toilets will be upgraded, a new multipurpose court space, skate park, and path network will be built, and 30 new trees planted. William Lawson Park, Prospect will get a new amenities building and better pathways that will make the park more accessible for everyone. There will also be new tree plantings, an athletics track and facilities, basketball and netball courts, and an upgraded playspace. Whalan Reserve will receive an undercover synthetic turf cricket training facility to ensure the growing number of quality Blacktown cricketers can train whenever they need to, while Shalvey families will be consulted about the design for a new playspace at Tanderra Park Find out more about what’s planned for your area: blacktown.nsw.gov.au/BMAMO

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