October 2026

Volume XLIV • Issue 1 • October 2026

the Columbia's Only Newspaper That’s Beekeeping Age

THE TEAM EDITORIAL BOARD Feditors-In-Chief Livy Molko Reza Shayesteh Managing Editors Kimberly Wing Andrew Barth Head Submissions Editors Anand Shukla-Parekh Sydney Kelble GENERAL BOARD Publishers Valerie Yum (Fall) Sophia Mariano (Spring) Arts Editors Isabella Palit Stella Turowsky-Ganci Head Copy Editor Winston Vuong Head Layout Editor Kamtoya Okeke Social Media Editors Lynn Basch Madelyn Xaysanasy Online Editor Julia Ryan Games Editor Sophia Brown Social Chair & Minister of Mischief Beau Gantz Features Editor Clara Neilson-Papish STAFF Submissions Editors Andrew Barth Madeline Basch Sophia Brown Kelly Cheng Beau Gantz Sophia Mariano Clara Neilson-Papish Julia Ryan Reza Shayesteh Madelyn Xaysanasy Valerie Yum Copy Editors Milan Agarwala Rei Ang Suhana Bhandare Sophia Brown Divya Chaudhry Vasu Jain 2

(Copy Editors cont.) Lydia Joh Natalie Jones Sydney Kelble Isabela Klenorova Ava Lyon-Sereno Sophia Mariano Harper Marsden-Uren Jay Mohta Isabela Morón Cousins Ariel Mura Clara Neilson-Papish Julia Ryan Aumrita Savdharia Jaylen Wright Sophie Woodard Audrey Xuefei Wu Emma Yen Layout Editors Lydia Joh Maayan Kerret Liz Lewis Helen Liang Ariel Mura Julia Ryan Alix Sivolella Joshua Thorne Staff Writers Daksh Badri Andrew Barth Madeline Basch Sophia Brown Beau Gantz Shawn Kathuria Sydney Kelble Helen Liang Elijah Segal Sophia Mariano Livy Molko Clara Neilson-Papish Julia Ryan Reza Shayesteh Anand Shukla-Parekh Isabella Palit Stella Turowsky-Ganci Winston Vuong Vanessa Wilson Madelyn Xaysanasy Valerie Yum Staff Artists Jamie Davis Amayah Foster Sienna Granillo Grace Holbrook Reina Lin Elma Liu Sophia Mariano Kaelyn Nikmanesh Maddie Rejab Audrey Wu

Letter from the Feditors Dear Reader, After a long and fruitful summer of interning, travelling, cyclospora, relaxing, legionnaire’s disease, and rotting, we at The Fed are so thrilled to be back in the saddle doing what we do best: giggling with our friends and publishing it so you too, can giggle. We are thrilled to be celebrating The Fed’s 40th Anniversary this year (Yes, The Fed is a millennial, and no, don’t talk to us before our coffee). Oh, how far we have come from our humble beginnings with deadbeat dad Gorsuch, to the current masthead that could easily be confused with a chapter of GSA. We are excited to honor those who came before us (though they may disagree about our definition of honor…) and all those who work so hard to maintain the glory of The Fed as it stands today. Now that we are encroaching on middle age, The Fed is happy to announce its journey into the identity of the single wine aunt who teaches you about sex when you’re maybe a little too young. With a sprinkle of luck and a box of Franzia, we can’t wait to make the ascent into this liberated frame. Your newly crowned Feditors-in-Chief, Livy & Reza

Cover by Stella Turowsky-Gancy | Double Truck by Isabella Palit

TABLE OF CONTENTS PAGE 3: The Core vs Gen Z Literacy

PAGE 14: Where are the dental dams

PAGE 4: Thanks to the Lenape

PAGE 15: Solving roommate disputes

PAGE 5: A cigarette a day...

PAGE 16: Mnookin o’clock

PAGE 6: MMMMMMM

PAGE 17: TLDR; no TL

PAGE 7: Big Brother Voyeur

PAGE 18: That rotten egg smell

PAGE 8: Admin ate

PAGE 19: Number two hero

PAGE 9: Performative final boss

PAGE 20: The age of ethics are over

PAGE 10: Trad wife wins

PAGE 21: Knitting needles as self-defense

PAGE 11: Ethical nonmonogamy

PAGE 22: Better than ur academic advisor

PAGE 12: Doubletruck

PAGE 23: Read your future here

Features Staff Grace Holbrook Sydney Kelble Julia Ryan Volume XLIV Issue 1

in the city that never sleeps

University Electricity Bill Skyrockets as Roommates Won’t Turn the Fucking Light Off By Georgia Pulliam

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

lights on but nobody’s home The University’s first-week-ofclasses financial report sent shockwaves through community members as they saw the sheer price of the electricity bill. When asked for comment, a 4000-level mathematics class said they weren’t even sure that number was real. “A mnookillion? I mean, I guess?” said one student before being dragged back into Butler for the night. A student-led investigative committee (3 references, 5 interview rounds, and 4 years of prior experience required for membership) was formed to track down the culprits. The newly assembled Committee of Undergrad Number Testers has worked day and night searching for the truth. Their find-

ings? You already know the answer. Your roommate won’t turn the goddamn light off. You have an 8 AM tomorrow morning, and your human eyelids are just too thin to block out all that fluorescence. After thorough investigation into student behavior through dormitories, mail rooms, and dining halls, the committee has found borderline-unsafe usage of the harsh fluorescent lights in dorms and an absurd amount of packages containing sleeping masks and earplugs in the mail room. “Sometimes I’ll turn the big light off, you know, to signify that I’m ready to go to sleep, and then my roommate will turn on a big neon sign that says ‘Beer.’ No

branding or anything, just ‘Beer.’ Where the hell do you even find that?” said one victim of sleep deprivation. Another told us that “Sometimes I just want to sit in the dark and doomscroll, but my roommate insists she can’t fall asleep without FaceTiming her long-distance low-effort situationship, and he has to be able to see her face,” whatever that means. When asked if they were concerned about maintaining equitable allocation of funds across campus, administrators told The Fed to “chillax” and “enjoy a crystal clear view of the penis fountains now that the Low Plaza renovation has been completed.”

LitHum Professors Add Page-Turning Instruction To Curriculum After Students Swipe at Books By Aumrita Savdharia

books are hard Following LitHum’s controversial new no-technology policy, professors have noticed a concerning decline in students’ ability to operate books. What seemed to be a relatively simple endeavor has become a Herculean task for firstyear students. For any first-year students still reading (Good job! Two whole sentences!), a “Herculean task” is something that requires immense effort, such as reading the Odyssey or walking up six flights of stairs in Hamilton. It stems from Hercules, who was like the Clavicular of 1300 BCE. In many cases, students have tried to swipe the pages of books October 2026

as they would their phones. Others have pinched the paper to zoom in and held books sideways while waiting for the text to rotate. These failed attempts to read have left many students slamming their books in frustration while yelling about “bad WiFi connection.” A distressed first-year “wrote” to The Fed, in the form of a three-minute voice memo: “It’s not like I have a problem with words. I read TikTok poetry slideshows all the time. I was just surprised when I started reading Gilgamesh, and I couldn’t see a Subway Surfers video in the background. You can’t even put it at 2x speed.”

The revised curriculum will dedicate the first three weeks of the semester to foundational book navigation skills, such as locating page numbers, distinguishing the front cover from the back, and making sure the book is right side up. If you haven’t quite learned how to turn pages in a book, don’t you worry! Certified page-turning assistants will be leading workshops on the fourth floor of Butler from 2:00

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU MIGHT BE LITERATE

AM to 4:00 AM daily. Participants must bring their own book and complete the required reading, “What Is Paper?”, which will be sent as a PDF. Elma Liu/Staff Artist

3

found it!

Advice for Single Freshmen Hartley to Remain Under Construction During NSOP Indefinitely: “Cause Why Not?” By Elijah Segal

By Livy Molko we’re not in kansas anymore, toto Welcome Freshmen. Welcome to NSOP. Welcome to the most important week of your life. Welcome to the seven days that will make or break your entire college experience, heck your entire future. Sit down. Stay a while. Soak in this moment. It doesn’t get better than this And here’s what you need to do: Couple up NOW. The person you kiss this week is the person you are going to marry. You will never find love if you don’t find it now. These bonds last forever. And time is ticking. But we at The Fed are here to help with a new flirtatious tactic. But fair warning, this tactic requires a series of strategic moves, mastered over years of experience. It might be difficult at first. It may drain you physically, mentally, spiritually – but keep reading, and trust that it will get that special someone feeling things they’ve never felt in that teenage body. First, you must relinquish all bolliticanahs. Once you perform the necessary mental exercises, you may proceed to the next step. Remember, stay focused, for you must lean into the fear. Approach the target person. Next you will

4

squat very close to the floor, requiring a strong sense of probiggla. Now, with careful fingers, place them at this person’s ankles, and lightly tap. Remember, you must keep focused. Now, proceed with a keen eye for ygoogoo and an undeniable flogjutaa. Before continuing NEVER forget to ghloothorgmnia, or you may be removed from the university. Remember, this is the person you will spend the rest of your life with. Once you carefully assert your desire and finish plundichting, grotelwquesting, bckikiding, and plovtoroxihixing, you may feel fatigued. This is normal, but give yourself a pat on the back, you have completed all of the steps in the NSOP Mating Process. If this does not work for you, that is okay, you will be okay. Life can be very fulfilling as a singleton…not for anyone we know, but probably for many people that exist. Now good luck, may you find NSOP love, choose wisely, and never forget to gplooperhinternog.

jenny...not a great first appearance Starting off her tenure with a bang, President Jenifer Mnookin was asked in a recent address to students when Hartley Residence Hall would reopen after its renovation, especially given the addition of 300 students to this most recent freshman class. Her response was the following: “Hartley? That bitch gon’ stay closed; we lowkey like the way it looks with all the scaffolding, tbh. Also, never hurts to have a place for a sign to say ‘Building Columbia Better,’ I mean, that’s good. Like really good. We need spots for those signs, and unfortunately it looks like Hartley will have to remain that way for… I don’t know till we feel like it?” Many students immediately expressed concerns, to which Mnookin gave calming and reassuring answers. “We are seriously considering your input. I’m with the Board of Trustees almost every day, and I’m almost positive one of them mentioned something a student said like once before hitting a gnarly birdie at the course, and we got pretty side-tracked from there.”

Furthermore, when pressed about the timeline of reopening Columbia’s campus for all, Mnookin responded with, “Oh my god, you have so many questions. Can’t I just enjoy a JJ’s fry section in some peace? But seriously, we hear you loud and clear, and I promise we’ll get back to you with a concrete timeline for Hartley.” She then proceeded to down 10 mozzarella sticks, 16 chicken nuggets, and several plates of sweet potato fries. At one point, she approached us, seemingly to follow up with a specific date. However, it was only to refill her mango smoothie.

Elma Liu/Staff Artist

FedLibs: A Quirky Columbia LinkedIn Bio Template For Your Convenience

By Timberleigh Beak

this is too soon after the club fair to be funny tbh

I’m a(n) [ADJECTIVE] student at Columbia, where I’m majoring in [MAJOR]. My passion for this field sparked in my [SCHOOL SUBJECT] course: Professor [RANDOM LAST NAME], a [NUMBER]-time [WHITE LAST NAME], award recipient for their research in [VERB ENDING IN -ING or NOUN], wrote a single quote on the chalkboard: “[FAMOUS QUOTE].” This profound statement made me reflect on my entire life: when I was only [NUMBER] years old — clueless in this world and still wearing a [ARTICLE OF CLOTHING] — I [PAST TENSE VERB] in [LOCATION] after [VERB]ing with a(n) [NOUN]. A nearby [NOUN] then came up and told me that what I did was the [ADJECTIVE] thing they’d ever [PAST TENSE VERB]. I felt like a [NOUN]. This experience made me [FEELING ENDING IN ‘ED’] to pursue a career as a [PROFESSION], and I’ve been [VERB]ing toward that goal ever since. At Columbia, I’m [ADVERB] involved on campus as the [OCCUPATION] for Columbia’s [NOUN or ADJECTIVE] [VERB]ing Society, among others. In my free time, I enjoy [EXPENSIVE ACTIVITY], [VERB]ing for [PLURAL NOUN], networking with professionals, and hosting [BEVERAGE] chats with prospective members of the Columbia [NOUN] Club. I’m always open to new [PLURAL NOUN]. Feel free to reach out at [COLUMBIA UNI]@columbia.edu. WHAT WOULD YOU PUT HERE IF YOU WERE ME?

Volume XLIV Issue 1

im so sorry kamtoya idk where the left header went

A Guide to Becoming Barnard College’s Institutional an Authentic Butler Neutrality Policy Library Smoker By Madeline Nohrnberg

By Federalist Staff remember when smoking was bad... As inviting weather hustles students outdoors, a slew of tortured intellectuals gather outside of Butler Library to get their noses out of the dense manifestos and critical theories for a smoke break. If you aspire to be a part of the crowd, follow the six simple steps below. 1. Give Everyone a Look of Intellectual Anguish It may only be the first week of school, but the sheer burden of knowledge beyond you is already weighing on your genius mind. Be sure to scan across the lawn with eyes full of suffering. Remember: the information you gleaned from your 3-page reading may be the key to a revolution, and you are afraid to speak your mind lest the totalitarian government break down the doors of your dorm room.

because they were famously in the right too Dear Members of the Barnard Community, In an attempt to not encourage—while not discouraging—the widest diversity (as well as the narrowest uniformity) of views, Barnard College is cautiously announcing the adoption of an Institutional Neutrality Policy. With this policy, Barnard therefore reaffirms its unwavering commitment to taking no position whatsoever. Our adherence to institutional neutrality is rooted in the principles set forth by other historically neutral entities such as the country of Switzerland and mules. As we see it, no position at all is far preferable to being on the wrong side of history. Both the administration and the Board of Trustees are committed to defending both free and repressed speech, open and closed inquiry, and academic freedom and unfreedom. In fact, we remain so commit-

ted to neutrality on these topics that we will refrain from commenting on them at all unless the matter concerns our decision to refrain from providing commentary. If circumstances require us to speak, we will do so only to clarify that we have nothing to say. In fact, we’ve already said too much. Neutrally, President Laura Ann Rosenbury

Grace Holbrook/Staff Artist

2. Give Everyone a Look of (Eastern) European Sadness When you ask that girl for a lighter, add a tinge of an unidentifiable accent. Yearn a little.

To Class of 2030: Twenty Signs You Might Come Out as Bisexual* In the 3. Aesthetically Lean Against the Brick Next Four Years Don’t just stand there. Remember, you are weighed down by your sins and secrets. Let your body surrender to your dark, twisted mind. Have a little slouch in your back. Prop up a foot and rest your head against the wall if you’re feeling extra sentimental. 4. Pretend You Are in a Donna Tartt Novel But don’t let them know that you have read her books. Your summer reading was Marx and Kafka. 5. Curate a Group of Identical Pretentious Friends (One Must Have a Guitar) After careful selection, gather your friends on the benches or the low walls. Have one or two nonchalantly sprawled about. Pass around a cig. Make sure one of your friends is serenading all of you with a melancholy guitar tune. 6. Look Like You Need a Long Black Wool Trenchcoat It may be 80 degrees outside, but stride across Butler like you need a long black wool trenchcoat. Let the smoke trail behind you. Remember, you aren’t you; you are Him. October 2026

By Reza Shayesteh and Livy Molko

are you bisexual? take our quiz on pg 22! When you turn in an assignment, you let out a sigh and squeal You prefer Morningside Park to Riverside Park You have waited outside of ADP You drink coffee You really like candy, especially Twix You drink iced coffee You drink iced coffee with milk You sleep more than 6 hours a night You feel attraction to both female and male genitalia You drink matcha You call your mom more than once a week Your orientation group was co-op You are enrolled in Barnard College You are enrolled in GS You have a friend named Olivia You always cuff your jeans and you have a clear phone case You eat dessert after dinner You like your hair cut short and neat

I LOVE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

You love sweater weather You are always hungry *Note this does not suggest that you’re required to stay bisexual following graduation

Kaelyn Nikmanesh/Staff Artist

5

set it all on fire

What even is Colombia? By James Town What even is Colombia? Unlike Columbia, an Ivy League school with an endowment worth more than some countries’ GDPs *rolls eyes*, I had never even heard of Colombia until people started asking me if I could speak Spanish?? I can’t even name a single college in Colombia: Why would I be travelling all that way for a non-prestigious education????? It’s just so frustrating that I worked so-

viva la revolution! sosososososo hard to get into the Columbia University in the City of New York and people don’t even know about it or keep confusing it with some no-name country. Ugh, I’m so shook. Like, I’m sure it’s a great country and all, and we’re lowkey twinning with the names, but if you’re a country and I can’t point you out on a map, then maybe you’re just a little irrelevant. In lieu of this, I really really want to change the name of Colombia, because anyway WE chose our name a hundred years before they chose theirs, so we’re basically the original Columbians. Anyway, I would really appreciate it if you guys could join me in this collective effort to maintain our prestige. To do so, send angry emails to colombiagovernment@colombia.gov, and hopefully we can convince them to change their name!

Kaelyn Nikmanesh/Staff Artist

Barnard NSOP: I guess we’ll all melt.

Mythbusting: Barron Trump at NYU By Scarlet Burke and Anouk Shin just avoid nyu tbh Myth: Barron Trump is a “ladies’ man” and “oddity,” according to NYU students. Fact: He’s an “oddity.” Myth: He is deliberately trying to stay out of the limelight, refusing to be the BMOC (Big Man on Campus). Fact: He is 6’9”. This is all he can be. Myth: He is surprisingly well-adjusted. Fact: He is surprisingly well-adjusted to the height of New York’s doors. Myth: He has a long-term girlfriend that he chooses to keep private. Fact: If by “girlfriend” you mean an Argentinian Male Ballet Dancer, then yes, that is true. Myth: Kai and Barron Trump have a close familial relationship. Fact: Sources suspect their relationship veers closer to a lavender marriage than a strictly cousin-based bond.

defenestrate yourself to get out Before arriving at the gilded gates of this campus, some may have wondered, “What’s the best way to celebrate the first Friday of the school year?” I’ll tell you: a fire alarm… at 7:30 in the morning. We all inhaled carbon monoxide somewhere between move-in day and that fire safety meeting because I’ve never seen a group of people more confused by the sharp sounds of a siren. In true Barnard fashion, the alarm was allegedly set off by an early morning smoke sesh… Now, why someone decided to “pass the dutchie” on a weekday, at 7am, is beyond me, but thanks to the quad’s overachieving smoke detectors, we evacuated not once, but TWICE. For a group of intelligent and capable young minds, our fire alarm response time 6

was questionable. Class of 2030, where is our sense of urgency? The SAT should really have an “emergency: what to do if there’s a blaring fire alarm” module. For those still confused, I’ll keep it simple: fire alarm = get OUT of the building. Look, it was early; I get it. That thing went off at the butt crack of dawn, and no one wanted to roll out of bed to show off their Hello Kitty pajamas. NSOP had really crammed a year’s worth of “Welcome to Barnard” meetings in the span of a few days, and this moment cemented that “it’s good to be home” feeling. God forbid there’s ever a serious fire, we may just go down as the first class to melt out of the quad.

Federalist Staff Artist

By Amayah Foster

Amayah Foster/Staff Artist

HOW DO THEY EXPECT ME TO GET DOWN WITHOUT THE ELEVATOR

Volume XLIV Issue 1

FLOCKED AND LOADED: Flock Cameras to be Installed in the Butler Stacks

hiring street magicians to bring back pool

By Winston Vuong cum found on cameras Having recently progressed to the U.S. Department of State’s Level 4: Do Not Travel advisory status, the Butler Stacks have become home to New York’s newest installation of Flock cameras. The “Stacks,” as they are colloquially known, have been an infamous epicenter of crime on Columbia’s campus since the construction of Butler Library itself. Narcotic use, firearm sales, public indecency, sexual misconduct, and the resulting voyeurism are just some of the most rampant atrocities being actively committed among the fine literature the Stacks house. In line with its commitment to freedom of expression, the university has partnered with the NYPD and Flock Safety to implement a network of 120 surveillance cameras across the Stacks’ 12 floors. While giggling over tea with the Board of Trustees, Garrett Langley, CEO of Flock Safety, said the emotional recognition software being piloted identifies the shapes and sizes of individual expressions, up-

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor October 2026

loads them to the cloud, and analyzes them via a sexually specialized AI agent to detect any “excessive expressions of emotion.” “This will enable us to crack down on the heinous actions being committed in the Stacks,” Langley revealed. “Enjoying your quickie a lil’ too much? Busted. Moaning too loud? Busted. Did a line and feel the buzz? Busted. Our technology will bust your ass before an ounce of dopamine even hits your head. None of this is going down on my watch.” The CEO then proceeded to quickly clarify that his use of the term “busted” was not in any way referring to the colloquial term associated with ejaculation. Whether or not the new cameras will bust you, or make you bust, the university’s message surrounding this technological installation is clear: You may have freedom of expression, but don’t express too much, or we’ll upload your ass (literally) to the cloud. If you get laid, Flock’s got it saved.

Elma Liu/Staff Artist

Uris Pool Gone By Neil Kathuria

NEW YORK — In a not entirely unexpected move, Columbia University facilities staff have finally announced the operational reasoning behind the intermittent closures of Uris Pool: they cannot find it. “I could’ve sworn it was right there,” said a facilities staff member who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “Usually we just say ‘open’ and it appears.” The pool, located in the ghost town Dodge Fitness Center, is closed again today “until we can find it,” another member of the facilities team told The Federalist. “I stood by the lockers after clocking in this morning and said ‘open.’ I tried enunciation. I even tried clapping, but the pool won’t appear. I think it’s in some kind of mood today,” they added. According to an incident report obtained by The Federalist, facilities dispatched four senior union

EXPLICIT PHOTOS TO BE REELEASED AT A LATER DATE

rebellious pool phase magicians to say “open” in various cadences, volumes, and regional accents. A subcontracted wizard brought in from the Bronx reportedly tried chanting “pool,” which a spokesperson for the University later clarified is not supported by Dodge’s current arcane infrastructure. “We recognize the inconvenience this causes for early-morning swimmers,” Recreation announced in a university-wide email. “Our most trusted sorcerers and witches are currently testing whether the concrete pit responds to synonyms or compliments.” Public safety officers have since cordoned off the area with caution tape, warning students that anyone who attempts to dive into the bare concrete does so at their own risk.

7

food for thought

Kaelyn Nikmanesh/Staff Artist

Ferris Announces: Shoes, Shirts, No Service By Clara Neilson-Papish and Livy Molko Finally, you can show off that pedicure and those pierced nips! In honor of the 70th anniversary of Mr. Ferris Booth Commons’ death, Columbia’s administration has decided to pay tribute through one of his dying wishes: a shirtless, shoeless dining hall. During a recent excavation of the land beneath Lerner, archaeologists discovered that his devout belief in skin-to-skin contact while consuming raw fish as the highest form of eudaimonia appeared numerous times in his archive of personal journals. Columbia Dining’s visionary designers have engineered custom shag rugs that will be able to absorb odors from both bare feet and food dropped on the floor. Included in the architec-

nips out, toes out, mac and cheese ture will also be a fireplace and wool blankets available to shield bare bodies from the cold. Commingling is encouraged with dedicated stations for playful foot play, raw chest bumps, and the spoon station, featuring both the utensil and a chain of students clutching each other’s bare bodies. A quick glance reveals students sprawled out on the plush carpets, feeding each other grapes and moisturizing the backs of their peers. The newly renovated dining hall boasts a varied and delicious menu including items like pigs in a blanket, minestrone soup, and shakshuka. We at The Fed encourage you to go check it out before your summer tan fades and your pedicure chips.

I Lived It: I Looked Snatched As Fuck for My Birthday Pictures After I Got Food Poisoning from the Dining Hall By Sydney Kelble

take that, GLP1s You all know that feeling: the one of rising dread as your stomach cramps in that particular way. You know what’s coming, and still, you try in vain to pray away the inevitable. Then comes the rapid onset: sweating, and a churning feeling that moves slowly yet decisively through your stomach making its way to your bowels. You have food poisoning. This exact feeling overcame me last fall, as I was sitting with my mom having a pre-birthday lunch. The Columbia Dining Halls had betrayed me most egregiously. The banal, yet somewhat-reliable sustenance that came from big, heat-lamp-warmed vats had turned on me! The next three days were spent going from the bed to the toilet, from the toilet to class, and from class to the toilet again. I was shocked at my body’s ability to expel every8

thing from itself. Horrified even. As my stomach began to settle, and I was ready to return to some semblance of normalcy, I noticed that a proverbial silver lining could be found: I looked snatched as fuck! My stomach was flatter than a bodychecking Thinfluencer selling overpriced greens powder through the link in her bio. I looked like I had been putting Castor Oil in my belly button every night. Like I had a Pilates membership. I knew what I had to do: document this so that the perpetual online positive feedback loop of self-consciousness could persist. I had to be a cog in the machine designed to make femme-presenting folks feel terrible! I grabbed my digi-cam and got to work and the rest is history. Twenty looked damn good on me.

Columbia Announces New Committee Aimed at Deciding if There Are Too Many Committees By Hunter Biden’s Sentient Laptop Whether to reopen Columbia’s gates has dominated discourse around the University over the past couple of weeks. In a move critics have labelled “an attempt to delay any real action by drowning the issue in bureaucracy,” President Mnookin has made the brave decision to create a committee on the issue rather than actually deciding anything at all. “I have heard the feedback of our Columbia community in relation to my establishment of a committee on the reopening of the gates,” President Mnookin said in an email to the student body. “Therefore, I have decided to create a committee that will investigate whether or not Columbia has too many committees.” A committee chairman has been chosen, and they are actively looking for members. Reports indicate their shortlist includes the recently laid-off Kristi Noem. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, out of fear his wife’s boyfriend might take away his PS5, the committee chairman said, “ We have to

THOUGHT FOR FOOD

the more, the merrier seriously consider whether committees actually lead to anything useful or if they just allow the school administration to act like they want to resolve an issue without actually resolving anything. I expect this committee will reach a swift and unpopular conclusion, probably in the next four to six years.” Columbia University’s hallowed tradition of committees goes all the way back to the early twentieth century, when a committee decided after years of deliberation to outlaw torture as a way to punish students who didn’t want to learn about what Virgil had for breakfast on October 15, 35 BC. The Committee on the Necessity of Committees isn’t the only committee in the spotlight this semester, as the Committee on the John Jay Shitter continues its search for the culprit. According to our sources within that committee, it is believed that the Shitter is currently hiding somewhere in Dodge, in a situation similar to that of Saddam Hussein (see above). Volume XLIV Issue 1

life advice below

10 Phrases to Spice Fun Facts to Use for Icebreakers Up Your Contributions to LitHum By Federalist Staff

friends don’t lie

By Anand Shukla-Parekh and Walter Straughn

the juxtaposition of the praxis So you didn’t do your reading. You told yourself you’d stay up after that 10 PM trip to JJ’s. And when you came back at 1 AM and watched Fruit Love Island for an hour, you told yourself you’d wake up early. Yet here you are, 10:10 AM LitHum, with absolutely nothing to say about Sappho’s “Fragment 31” while everyone around you spews literary critiques worthy of Emily Wilson herself. But don’t worry—we at The Fed love to help a struggling freshman out. Here are 10 things to say in LitHum so that no one can tell you didn’t do the reading: 1. “I think there’s a real tension between _____ and ______” - You can never go wrong with good ol’ compare and contrast. 2. “There’s an undercurrent of phallic anxiety to_____” - One universal truth in literature: show, don’t tell. Another: it’s penises all the way down. 3. “This reminds me of _____ passage in [other LitHum text]” - Clearly, you not only did the reading for today, but even previous ones! You little nerd! 4. “Derrida spoke of this.” - Do not elaborate under any circumstances. 5. “I was gonna basically say what they said.” - Shows consensus and attention to the class discussion. 6. “Can I go to the bathroom?” - Emphasizes that you are just barely out of high school; will hopefully activate your professor’s parental instincts. 7. “I have synesthesia, and this text really gave _____ color” - Directs discussion away from specifics and towards vibes. Also displays your unique and unconventional way of thinking. 8. “_____ really shows the fragility of the written word” - This one’s not a joke istg your professor will eat this shit up thank me later. 9. “Is anyone getting a gay vibe between Gilgamesh and Enkidu?” - You are definitely the first person to identify this. Bonus: reuse this one for the Iliad. 10. Make up your own words and sprinkle them in. You know what they say: well-behaved women rarely make history. October 2026

As classes, clubs, and cobbled-together friend groups begin session, you are going to find yourself stuck in a circle peppered with difficult questions such as “What is something interesting about you?” or “What do you do for fun?” Thankfully, The Fed is eager to provide our top “picks” to “break the ice” (ha, get it?) and help the campus get to know you a bit more! • • • • • • • •

I have been skydiving! I hate broccoli. I have run a marathon! I love oil painting. I was in the Navy. I played baseball at Yale (Go Bulldogs!). I have been knighted. I own a baseball team.

Reina Lin/Staff Artist

• • • • • •

I have twins. My father was president. I was governor of Texas in 1995. My wife’s name is Laura. I was elected to the U.S. presidency in 2001. I did 9/11.

Mnookin Lands Part-Time Job as Amity Bouncer By Beau Gantz

taking matters into her own hands University President Jennifer Mnookin, in her few weeks as Columbia University president, appears to be settling in with ease to the Morningside Heights community. Several students reported that Mnookin, in an effort to engage with the neighborhood, has been volunteering as a bouncer at Amity Hall. The bar is a staple of Columbia nightlife, famous for themed specials such as Trivia Night, Bottomless Brunch, Senior Night, and Under-21 Night (Sunday-Monday). Now, you can find Columbia’s own President Mnookin posted up outside Amity’s doors. “She’s always wearing a bulletproof vest and asking every single person for their zipcode,” said Columbia student Simon Derage, “and if she thinks your ID is fake she FaceTimes a cop.” A Columbia freshman hailing originally from Los Angeles reported anonymously that she looked him in the eyes, chuckled, and said, “North Dakota, really? I see the JNCO IT’S 5PM SOMEWHERE

Andrea Joya/Staff Artist

jeans.” Amity employee Bart Endar says that Mnookin is “a hard worker,” despite the fact that her two weekends of employment have “probably lost the bar a hundred thousand dollars.” While many Columbia students have expressed frustration with Mnookin’s service, upperclassmen note that, finally, the integrity of Senior Night has been restored. 9

animal rights column

President Mnookin Addresses the Columbia Community Regarding Reopening the Gates By Jennifer Mnookin sorry i let cops on campus it was my alter :(

My Sister Goes to “The Nation’s Top Women’s College.” Here’s Why I Chose Homemaking Over Higher Education By Maki the Cat

Dear members of the Columbia Community: Hi, I’m bunny!; Hey, uh, I’m Z, what’s up; Uh-um hi ololol-ol-oliver; (British) Hey everybody I’m Ben. Hey! I’m Eliot! Wow! (Hits mouth and laughs)... sorry; Hello there… I am… Malikai … What’s up; (shyer than the rest, not like other girls) Hi, I’m Echo; Hi… My n-n-n–n-n-n- name is A-aa-aJ; Hi everyone. I know I look like shit but it’s Red, hi; Hey everybody! My name’s Sayori!; Yo! I’m Beatrix, What’s Up?; (different, brattier British dialect) Hello everyone, my name’s Ophelia! All my best, Jennifer Mnookin President, Columbia University in the City of New York

10

Editor’s Note: This is an opinion piece that was rejected by The Barnard Bulletin, Spectator, Bwog, and The Sundial. In early September, I put my paws on the concrete and visited my older sister, a senior at Barnard, a women’s college affiliated with Columbia University. I accompanied her and my mother on promenades through both Barnard and Columbia’s campuses. As they rolled me around in my $75 pet stroller, I saw pigeons and European starlings idling on College Walk and dogs running on the lawns. Surrounded by the ignorant humans that my family members are, there was an obvious elephant in the room that only a feline would notice: where were all the cats on campus? My mother suggested that I could live with my sister in her dormitory for her final year of college. I was excited for the chance to live in the Big Apple, but there was a problem: Barnard “prohibits the presence of privately-owned animals on campus,” with the limited exception of service or emotional support pets. I was insulted. I do not owe my human sister — who dresses me up in silly little hats and commands me to “sit” before she gives me a Chicken with Cheese Churu — any service or emotional support. My hopes of being part of the Columbia community were further shattered when I attended a picnic hosted by The Fed, the school satire paper. I was the only pet there, and a crowd of ignorant two-legs crowded around my picnic blanket to belittle me, scratch my ears, and call me “cute” and a “good girl.” What foolishness, what humiliation. Their ignorant fascination with a feline can only be attributed to school policies that ban cats on campus, reducing us to FUNNY STUFF ABOVE

(cat)holic tradwife pipeline

mere human support machines. This is the speciesism that PETA warned us about. No matter how “prestigious” an institution is, one that fails to enforce BEI (Biodiversity, Equity, and Inclusion) produces ignorant students who foster a hostile environment for minority animals in the Anthropocene. After that picnic, I decided that I would return home to my comfortable life in the California suburbs. I will not subject myself to belittlement from human peers. Honestly, I don’t have any career ambitions in life. The hardest work I’ve done is meow and hiss at Rudy, the neighbor’s cat, when he comes too close to the front door. I can’t imagine enrolling in LitHum or a Calculus class. My fellow cats, I discourage you from applying to Columbia or any of its affiliated programs. I — and surely you — would be better content in the comfort of our own home, giving humans joy — especially men with their low voices that sound like purring — by smelling their toes and rubbing against their legs.

Jamie Davis/Staff Artist Volume XLIV Issue 1

our grift era

In Honor of The Fed’s 40th Anniversary: Writing Team Fired and Returns to Right-Wing News Coverage By L. B. Oren

our enemies to lovers arc with fox news begins

Two score and seven evolutions of The Federalist ago, Fed Founding Zaddy and conservative Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch created Colum-

Amayah Foster/Staff Artist

bia’s premier satirical comedy publication. However, The Fed wasn’t always as universally acknowledged as the funniest student publication on campus. The Fed was originally founded as a right-wing publication for alternative media coverage, oft referred to as “The Federalist Golden Age.” In celebration of The Federalist’s 40th anniversary, and in compliance with Columbia University’s 2025 settlement with the Trump administration, The Federalist will return to Right Wing political content! This move is being referred to as Make The Federalist Great Again (MTFGA pronounced “Muh-tuff-guh”). All praise Supreme Daddy Neil Gorsuch! If you are curious about the quality of the acronym, it is important to note that the Trump Administration is making sweeping changes behindthe-scenes at The Fed. That’s right, the entire writing team has been fired and replaced by the Columbia University College Republicans! Conservative stu-

Barnard Students Without Ballet Flats Brought Before Conduct Board By Georgia Pulliam

When Barnard student [name] checked her email, she expected to see that her mail was processed and she would soon be waiting in an eternal line up the steps of Diana. What she found was worse. A disciplinary meeting summons. The subject line? “Get That Weak Shit Out of Here. Ballet Flats Now Mandatory.”

Maddie Rejab/Staff Artist October 2026

students in sweatpants will be denied entry to campus Bystanders gawked as The Board followed a horde of Barnard’s least up the meeting by sending fashionable, most offline, a school-wide email anand, really, let’s be hon- nouncing RAs would now est here, evilest students ensure compliance with flocked to the meeting. mandatory ballet flat own“I mean, I saw them ership during scheduled walking, and I figured room checks. Residents someone made, like, an owning two or more pairs anti-fashion magazine or will receive access to a prisomething,” said a Barnard vate bathroom. student wearing jorts with “We’ve got a reputation a wired headphone jack to uphold,” said College oftucked into the front pock- ficials when asked for comet. ment on the new rules. “We While The Fed was can’t have Barnard students unable to obtain the full be mistaken for Columnotes from the meeting, bia College mainstream the accused report that the normies. I mean, what’s Student Conduct Board next, sweatpants to class? presented an otherwise T-shirt to the dining hall? unedited Canva template Imagine the chaos.” reading: “Sambas, Doc The line for mail pickup Martens, and those fug- remains hours long during ly Steve Madden wedge all operating hours as shipsneakers aren’t cutting it, ments of ballet flats are deyou’re not in North fuck- livered to campus night and ing Dakota anymore. Up day in order to satisfy the yours.” new requirements. POLLY WANTS A CULE

dent Beau T. Licker has said about the changes, “I think we have a really incredible opportunity to ruin a good thing, and finally start punching up at the real oppressors.” Licker shared that he does not know who that might be. It is time for The Federalist to return to the quality of The Federalist Papers of Alexander Hamilton fame. Oh my gosh, we JUST saw the musical. It’s incredible; you have to see it. The dancing is so great, and we think it’s a 25-piece orchestra. We feel like we are really late to this, but it’s just been so busy restructuring a student publication. Anyway, as promised, this issue will cover a variety of on-campus issues relevant to Alt-Right student life. In this issue of The Federalist, free-thinkers can find titillatingly reactionary articles such as “Mnookin Vows to Build Border and Make Barnard Pay for it,” “Open Up The Gates (For ICE),” and “Socially Liberal, Fiscally Conservative: Why I Can’t Get a Girlfriend.”

Sources say Polyamory is the Newest Networking For The Pre-Professional World By Emily Ginzberg

a company is just hierarchical polyamory

A new semester has begun, and students are rushing to acquire a spot in illustrious clubs like LionHub and Polis. But many students have voiced their worries over the competitive nature of these institutions. One student stated, “Will I still be able to become a member if I don’t have a 4.0, three summer internships, and a grandparent on the board? ” A year ago, the answer would have been a hard no, but now…a new strat has emerged: polyamory. According to our sources in the pre-law community, students have begun to realize that confining themselves to the typical networking is hindering their ability to grow professionally. One struggling sophomore stated, “I found myself struggling to get into all these exclusive clubs, so I took a second to think outside the box. And that’s exactly when I realized I actually need to be knee deep in the boxes!” Since then, the strategy has grown in popularity across campus. Instead of placing all their energy into a single connection, students have found that diversifying their portfolio has increased their odds of acceptance by tenfold. “My Linkedin engagement has increased six times over!” One student reports, “I realized through polyamory I could establish multiple non-exclusive, mutually beneficial interpersonal relations!” 11

12

Volume XLIV Issue 1

Isabella Palit /Arts Editor October 2026

13

sparkles

Enter Code into Duo Mobile THE WAIT IS OVER: Barnard Student Store to Begin Selling Bedazzled Dental Dams By Madeline Basch

3.14159265358979323...

Kaelyn NikmaneshStaff Artist

nothing tastes better than rhinestones Following Barnard’s launch of new apparel for the 2026-2027 school year, the Student Store unveiled their new hot item: bedazzled dental dams. After much turmoil with the manufacturers who claimed sequins would render the dams ‘useless,’ Barnard advocates pushed forth and succeeded. Offering colors in classic blue, lilac pink, and class colors, this is an item to don’t want to miss! The limited edition item emerges from Barnard’s Student Store new collection “Make Sexual Health Chic Again,” a line Barnard Student Store representatives have said to be “long overdue.” According to the store’s creative manager, the collection idea was conceived after a brainstorming session which started, fittingly, by asking why the Health Services free condoms were so “unarousing and lacking some libido-ness.” The dams themself come individually wrapped in a glittery foil pouch stamped with a bottomless Millie the Dancing Brown Bear. The Student Store is, addition-

14

ally, offering a customizable option through the Barnard Design Center. In terms of functionality, Health Services have noted that the rhinostones simply decorate the packaging, and that the dams themselves are FDA-approved, “fully functional, and of course, fully fabulous.” The public discourse following its announcement, predictability, has been quite divided. One comment from Barnard junior Ciera Vix claimed the merch drop to be “iconic,” stating that she bought the dam to “literally just to frame it next to my bedazzled Barnard thong on my dorm mood board. Now I just need the accompanying balconette and I’ll have the whole set!” Yet, when interviewing male Columbia’s students many chose not to answer; those who did claimed that they, “never really do that… if you know what I mean.” The Student Store plans on expanding the collection for the upcoming spring semester, hoping to carry travel-size lube key chains and “Cunt is Chic” tote bags.

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

By Madeline Basch

Butler Library’s Long Overdue Façade Update Adds New, Bronx-Based Thinker By James Smith

if it’s up, then it’s stuck We all have looked up at the exterior of Butler Library while sitting on the Low Steps. Everyone thinks the same thing when they first read those names: who are these flops? Truthfully, all of them sound like different species of bacteria that gave you that nasty UTI after NSOP. It is clear that President Mnookin is on the same wavelength, as she announced that refurbishment will begin next week to remove Aristotle (who?) from the façade and replace it with one of the most consequential intellectuals of the modern era: Cardi B. In coordination with this update, the Queen of Rap’s Invasion

I’VE GOT THE FIRST TEN DIGITS OF PI MEMORIZED

of Privacy will be added as mandatory listening to all Contemporary Civilization sections, effective immediately. When asked about the surprising yet much-needed choice, Mnookin stated, “‘Through Your Phone’ is a fire ass track. I gagged so hard on my first listen that I had no other choice but to memorialize her forever. Nicki found deceased.” While the age-old question of “Cardi or Nicki?” is yet to have a definite answer, it is clear that Morningside Heights stands with the “Bodak Yellow” goddess. The estate of Nicki Minaj declined our request for comment. Volume XLIV Issue 1

she yik on my yak till I yuck

Seven Ways to Convince Your Random Roommates That You’re Totally Chill By Sophia Brown, Sydney Kelble, and Clara Neilson-Papish 1. Take them at their word when they casually offer to have an open-closet policy—you want to seem generous, and their Chanel bag looks better on you anyway. 2. Carefully note the fullness of liquids in the fridge—they’ll appreciate your organizational skills and industrious attitude. For bonus points, track how much everyone is using! Data is power. 3. Choose a signature scent, and wear the hell out of it! Nothing is cooler than a girl who knows her stink stuff!! Spray that scent whenever you want, and make sure to cover your clothes in it too. You want your roomie to get an imprint of your pheromones and get excited to smell you before they see you.

4.

5. 6.

7.

Grace Holbrook/Staff Artist

go piss girl... and lmk what color it is Offer to read your Lit Hum books out loud. They’ll appreciate the shared learning environment. And be sure to practice your different accents as you do so! They’ll love that you recognize the diversity of characters in your assigned readings. Wear sunglasses indoors to convey a “laidback” personality. Make sure they’re reflective. Don’t whine that their boyfriend is always in the shower—you need to respect every man’s right to a clean shave, and you didn’t even want to wash that badly! Post a urine color analysis chart above the toilet. Everyone can benefit from hydration accountability.

Reina Lin/Staff Artist

Fedvestigation: Columbia YikYak Revealed as a Five-Year Long Psyop By Aumrita Savdharia

I Live in Ignominy By Sophia Brown

are they waving at someone behind me? Who is that I see coming towards me? My eyes squint; my head inclining— Is there a chance—no, wait—could it be? Cogs in my brain are aligning. Oh, yes! Who else? I soon comprehend: the now-nearing figure, a friend! One year, three months, two weeks, and a day since we lived in the same hallway. I’m prone to wave, add a nod, perhaps. My goal: mere goodwill among men. A smile back could be chill. But then, She walks right on by me. It’s wraps. Forcing my kind nature on a shelf, I’ll just have to go fuck myself. October 2026

all we have left is sidechat In a shocking discovery, an investigation by The Fed has confirmed that Yik Yak—one of Columbia’s foremost news institutions, second only to The Fed—is a sting operation run by the University’s psychology department. Fed reporters first became suspicious while reviewing open research positions in the department. One assistantship title was different from the rest: “Student Social Media Post Monitor.” The responsibilities included offering awful romantic advice and circulating paranoia-inducing posts. The student researcher, who wishes to stay anonymous, informed Fed reporters that she was being paid upwards of $10,000 a week as part of a study monitoring student behavior on the Columbia Yik Yak. “Every time you asked for advice on your situationship, confessed to cheating, or asked which bars you could get into, we saw it,” she said. “Every time you deleted

your post because it got two downvotes, we saw that too. We have a whole file of those.” In an exclusive interview with The Fed, Principal Investigator Sir Veillance addressed demands for the release of the study’s results, arguing, “We don’t need to tell you what we found. You know what you posted.” Veillance then informed us that disciplinary action was imminent, although we’ve been unable to determine if the threat was part of the study or not. Shortly after The Fed contacted the psychology department for comment, a new post appeared reading: “Does anyone else think The Fed is getting kinda paranoid?” At the time of the article’s release, the post had 2,304 upvotes. There are eyes everywhere.

ROOMMATE ANECDOTES TOTALLY NOT BASED ON MY EXPERIENCE IN JOHN JAY FLOOR 4 SUITE 6

15

new year new prez

Mamdani Welcomes Mnookin With Mnookin to Close Carman Hall Indefinitely Key to the City, Which Unfortunately Due to Rampant Fails to Open Columbia Gates By Anand Shukla-Parekh Underage Drinking Anand Shukla-Parekh/Staff Artist mo presidents, mo problems

By Daksh Badri every girl’s got an ick

Jennifer Mnookin, President of Columbia University, began her tenure on a high. She aided Orientation Leaders and Public Safety in welcoming first-years and transfer students during move-in; she liked a LinkedIn post admonishing criticisms of DEI, which she quickly removed, claiming an “accidental” slip of the finger; and she received a rousing applause from the audience at this year’s Convocation Ceremony. From the ashes of the past 4 presidents, Mnookin has risen as our new, true, and glorious white savior. However, she does have one kryptonite that even a girlboss like her cannot live with: underage drinking. In her previous position as Chancellor of the University of Wisconsin-Madison, she brought forth the Madison Police Department to confiscate almost 200 fake IDs from two bars near campus, leaving a large number of students unable to get turnt. The next day, she held a public shaming ceremony in which she captured every student whose ID was confiscated, made them wear a red patch embroidered with the letters “BD” for “Belligerent Drunk” and stand in the middle of their main quad and have rotten tomatoes thrown at them by the university’s administrators. Unfortunately, it seems as though her wrath has turned towards our freshmen. Members of The Fed with connections to the Undergraduate Admissions Office heard from a worker, 16

who heard from Dean Sorrett, who heard from Dean Chang, who heard from a worker at JJ’s that President Mnookin plans to close Carman Hall indefinitely for “the utterly disgusting and immense amount of belligerent drinking found in the vicinity.” Mnookin was said to be so angry she was shouting “I will not let these children have any fun!” out of her apartment window. This development is set to be enacted by the end of this semester. All freshmen living in Carman can choose to be relocated either to the unfinished Hartley Hall or to the Butler Lawns. Anyone who chooses the latter will be given a tent, a sleeping bag, and a blue patch with the words “I’m a belligerent drunk, and I repent” embroidered on it. All Carman RAs will be expelled upon the residence hall’s closing. Carman will be dearly missed by the student-athletes and young bright-eyed belligerent drunks of our campus. She had a good run, but Mnookin has put her to rest.

At the invitation of Mayor Zohran Mamdani, President Mnookin was welcomed at Gracie Mansion earlier this week in formal recognition of her ascension to the throne of Columbia University. Dressed in that Hillary-Clinton-ass blue blazer, she cut a commanding figure on stage as Mayor Mamdani presented her with a Key to the City of New York. A Columbia President has never been awarded such an honor, and it soon became clear why the mayor now felt the need. “I am honored to present President Mnookin with the Key to New York” Mamdani announced to an audience of rabid New York Post reporters. “I hope the legacy of this prestigious honor will inspire President Mnookin to bring Columbia University into a new chapter. A chapter of unprecedented growth rather than unprecedented times. A chapter of standing for what you believe in, rather than bending over and getting rawdogged by the federal government. A chapter of building bridges, rather than closing gates.” A prestigious civic award dating back centuries, the Key

to the City of New York has been awarded to such illustrious figures as Albert Einstein, Billy Joel, and Joe DiMaggio. Most recently, the 2026 New York Knicks were awarded it for their history-making championship run. Rumored to work on any door in the city, the possession of a key is an awe-inspring responsibility. Unfortunately, investigative reporting from The Fed confirms that giving out keys to each Knicks player led Mamdani to run out, forcing him to present President Mnookin with the very key that Sean “Diddy” Combs returned in 2024. Dubbed the ‘Diddy Key,” its use is particularly difficult owing to the slippery layer of baby oil

coating it. Or so said President Mnookin, when asked for an explanation of why the presented key failed to open Columbia’s long-locked gates, despite the mayor’s wishes. “It’s simply a question of torque,” she could be heard explaining outside the 116th entrance, wrestling mercilessly with the wrought iron structure. “We just can’t get this lock to turn.” When asked if the gates possibly needed some lubrication after almost three years of remaining closed, she quickly answered that “if the Diddy Key can’t open the gate, lube is definitely not the problem.” Needless to say, the gates remain closed.

Maddie Rejab/Staff Artist TERMS AND CONDITIONS MAY WILL APPLY

Volume XLIV Issue 1

don’t ask webmd plz

Scoliosis Epidemic on Campus Attributed Watermelon to ‘The Lesbian Messenger Bag’ Soft-Serve in John Jay Dining By Madelyn Xaysanasy say no to looking hot and cool Hall Confirmed Recently, Columbia Medical As research continues, mes- of live entertainment are also at researchers have noticed a con- senger bag-induced scoliosis has risk of developing the condition. to Be Frozen cerning trend among the lesbian been linked to parts of the most Messenger bags are still on undergraduate population: Their vulnerable straight populations the rise. They will infiltrate more Pepto-Bismol spines have curved and contort- on campus. People who frequent- and more of the population each ed with one lower shoulder and ly engage in poetry, smoke outside year, and it is important just to say and Crack a lower indent in the spine. After of Butler, and partake in any form “no.” copious investigation and field Cocaine research, the medical team found By Sam Nichol

i can literally quit whenever i want to JOHN JAY DINING HALL — In an effort to understand the continued outbreak of drug-fueled insomnia and superhuman stamina among the new cohort of freshmen, staff from John Jay Dining recently requested that several batches of watermelon soft-serve be analyzed by the chemistry department. Findings showed that the mixture was nearly 98 percent bottled Pepto-Bismol and that the remaining two percent was the sweet nectar of crack cocaine. Though the department refused to comment on the samples’ ultimate whereabouts, Fed staff uncovered multiple reports of red-eyed chemistry TAs roaming the halls of Havemeyer, heckling professors for “just one more fix, bro!” Nonetheless, the mystery of the watermelon ice cream’s disturbingly neon hue and inexplicable addictiveness was at last solved. As meal swipes become a precious commodity, underground dining plan markets are emerging. In the words of one twitching freshman: “I actually sold access to my dorm for a few dozen swipes last week. I don’t really see an issue with it, though—I spend most of my time camped outside of the dining hall anyways. It’s not, like, a problem, though, because I can literally quit whenever.” October 2026

definitive evidence that lesbians’ spines have begun to adjust for the single-sided weight of their neutral-toned messenger bags. These practical yet dangerous accessories pose a serious threat to the health and well-being of the sapphics at Columbia College and SEAS, but, most notably, they are a major concern to the fine individuals at Barnard College.

Andrea Joya/Staff Artist

Butler Library To Be Renamed By Livy Molko

so my baguette was for nothing

A recent copyright lawsuit filed by prominent queer philosopher and scholar Judith Butler has the potential to leave Butler Library nameless. In The Fed’s exclusive investigation, we found censored correspondence where Columbia President Mnookin stated to lawyers, “I just don’t wanna mess with them. So tough, so masculine, so articulate. I’m terrified of what Judith could do to us. Just give them the name.” In response to President Mnookin’s decision, the board of trustees was tasked with choosing the next name for the

library. The trustees worked to deliberate over this massive and heavy decision for the entirety of the last school year, and talked about nothing else at all; they have finally come to a decision. The new ‘Butter Library’ will house the thousands of books that we hold so dearly. Simply removing the L and replacing it with another T is a simple and non-confusing fix to the issue. While some argue that students will not even notice the change, others claim that one may be misled, let down with loaves of bread

COCAINE? ON MY CAMPUS? IT’S MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK.

in hand when they realize that the shelves are stocked with books rather than butter. The sub name—”Columbia University Nomenclature Tower”— is meant to clear up any confusion on behalf of the general public’s understanding of the stature and prominence of the library. It is timeless, sophisticated, and can be shortened to the acronym CUNT. We at The Fed cannot wait for the unveiling of the new ‘Butter CUNT’ engraving over the door of our noble study spot. 17

la resistenza del gelato

Take That Skinny Culture! Columbia Dining Upgrades Made Me Cancel My Wegovy Prescription

By Liberated Citizen

you’ll be back for more I started Wegovy about a year ago to cut a few pounds. I started giving out meal swipes to friends, hitting up the JJs carrot and hummus section, and skipping breakfast. The woman who makes quesadillas at JJs didn’t even recognize me when I came back after this summer, commenting on my new firm hips. But I had no idea what was about to happen. I went to John Jay with a friend on FDOC to get some cucumber salad. Maybe a banana for dessert if I was up for it. A girl passed me with a bowl of ice cream. “Oh yeah,”

I thought, “I saw they put up a new ice cream bar last semester.” Then I went to the Ferris salad bar. What the hell? Another type of cheesecake. Holy shit. I was leaving Uris Library at 11:00 PM after a night of studying and noticed noise outside. “What’s going on? Chef Mike’s is closed already.” “Oh, They’re open until 2:00 AM now,” my friend said. I knew something was up. An ice cream bar at Fac House. Real chicken at Ferris. What the hell was going on here?

Finally, I tried the ice cream bar after a light kale salad at John Jay. Buttercream? That sounds kinda mid. Oh boy was I wrong. I ate right through the Wegovy discomfort. Fuck skinny culture, I thought to myself. I went back the next day. I struggled but couldn’t put the spoon down. At Ferris, the cheesecake was erotic. I couldn’t believe what was in my mouth. “Back for more, girl?” The ice cream bar employee asked me after my third sundae of the day. I called my mom. “Tell Dr. Burmeister I’m done. I’m done con-

forming to the patriarchy.v” And I told my mom to fuck right off when she reminded me of my type2 diabetes.

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

Chef Mike’s To Be Shut Down Following Lewd Sandwich Requests An Ode To v

Ferris Eggs

By Aumrita Savdharia that’s rough.. “Can I get my sandwich… Mike’s way? ” Chef Mike’s, a classic sub shop, has seen an unexpected surge in popularity following reports of the Chef ’s special sauces titillating tongues across campus. “The meat is always tender and Mike makes sure his sauce reaches every inch of the sandwich,” said one satisfied student. “Once you’ve had it his way, it’s hard… to go back.” In a public statement, Chef announced: “I make sandwiches. If you want extra meat, say extra meat. If you want extra mayo, say extra mayo. Please stop asking me to have ‘my way’ with 18

By Federalist Staff your sandwiches. You’re confusing me with my more famous brother, Jersey.” v Chef also denied offering any off menu services and pleaded with students to stop leaning over the counter and whispering, “Surprise me.” Columbia Dining announced the closure after forming a committee to investigate the mass misconduct at Chef Mike’s. According to the committee’s report, the restaurant failed to maintain “appropriate boundaries between customer service and customer satisfaction.” The report also found that Chef Mike’s had dispensed more napkins in three days than it had in the

entire previous year. Citing mounting discomfort among employees and an alarming number of students asking for “just a little bit more sauce,” the committee has advised that the restaurant shut its doors indefinitely. In response, the newly formed coalition of Diners Insisting on Lunch Freedom has been circulating a petition arguing that the closure unfairly punished the restaurant for “culinary creativity.” Organizers have planned a demonstration outside the restaurant under the slogan “My Sandwich, Mike’s Choice.” We at The Fed say: Let Mike serve. LOVE THE SMELL OF IT

tough crack

Oh Ferris eggs, Ferris eggs, A taste reminding me of ashes of my uncle Greg As classes started you thawed from cool Now I stand with baggy eyes and drool Oh Ferris eggs, Ferris eggs, My darling whom I will one day wed A yellow aura of odor for certain But I dream, I lust, to peer beyond thy curtain Oh Ferris eggs, Ferris eggs, What is that dripping down my legs? How I loathe that creamy gelatin My sickness and my medicine

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor Volume XLIV Issue 1

inspiration from the archive

The John Jay Shitter: Fecal Matter as a Kind of Resistance An Interview with Marcel Duchamp be the artist! Right before his death, The Fed had the pleasure of interviewing the avant-garde artist Marcel Duchamp. His work focused on experimental, nonconformist ideas that manifested in all kinds of ways. Moments from the interview are especially prevalent in today’s political climate, on Columbia’s campus and off. His work is on view at the Museum of Modern Art through May. The Fed: Thank you so much for being here today, Marcel. Marcel Duchamp: Of course. Anytime. TF: You’ve spent much of your career focusing on pushing the grain in the art world, and finding new ways to produce what can be considered art. What do you think when people call you an art revolutionary? MD: It’s a great compliment, one that I’m very grateful to accept. I find that art is less powerful, less concrete than the ideas and ethos

of the artist himself. TF: Maybe your most famous piece is your 1917 sculpture La Fontaine. Can you talk a little bit about the intent of the piece? MD: I created that piece with, as you mentioned earlier, the hope of redefining what art is and can be. The work resembles a toilet—a holding place for the remnants of literal human waste. It’s also a comedic piece and a commentary on the art world. TF: If you were to do the piece over again, would you change anything about it? MD: As much as I love the piece, I really feel it’s missing a performance element. The intention of the piece is to disturb, to disgust a certain audience, and to generate conversation. Now that the piece has been revealed to be made by me, I don’t really feel that it has the same effect all these years later. TF: What do you mean by performance element?

MD: I think that something that interests me is the idea of anonymous performance art. I was easily able to hide behind this sculpture by signing a fake name, but I’m looking instead to leave behind a true, living piece of myself without anyone knowing who I am. TF: What would this entail? MD: I mean, you guys are students! Think big here! Someone should shit on the floor of a dormitory bathroom. What a show. To hide oneself yet to live so openly. It is exactly what I wanted to do with La Fontaine, but the piece’s reputation is more permanent, more anonymous. TF: Is this something you plan to do? MD: No, I’m too famous. It needs to be truly anonymous. Art for the sake of itself, an artist whose chef-d’œuvre is unknown to many but known in spirit to himself. TF: Isn’t this, plainly, gross? MD: That’s what they said about

La Fontaine. You Americans are so close-minded. Art isn’t supposed to be comfortable. One day you’ll see. Duchamp stormed out of the interview and never returned to Columbia’s campus again. The interview was never published because of its incomplete nature, but its themes ring particularly powerfully, even all these years later.

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

John Jay University Jealous of Columbia Situationship: That’s MY Man

By Mesther Mold commitment issues

John Jay University recently issued an ultimatum to their longtime namesake, the ghost of John Jay. One would have never guessed they were exclusive. I mean, seriously, Columbia only touts a John Jay hall, a John Jay dining hall, a Johnny’s food truck, JonJay-Z recording studio, John Jay-John Jay lounge, and JJ’s late night dining. Even though they are long-distance (across many dimensions between Earth and Hell) John Jay UniverOctober 2026

sity is officially overv sharing, and wants their darling boy back. According to “just some friends” that you have no reason to worry about, John Jay is right where he wants to be. Columbia claims in an exclusive interview,“It’s not like you own him or something. He just wants to explore and have the real college experience, okay, psycho.” Via the exclusive, application-only, CU branded Ouija board in the forgotten Hewitt basement,

under the keen guidance of Barnard witch majors, we were able to directly contact the ever-so-popular John Jay. The man of many names has this to share:“Okay, like, I didn’t realize it was that big of a deal, I’m loyal, it’s just college, and it’s sooo important to find what you like. Maybe I’m just not meant for monogamy, I heard poly is in now!”

JUST SHIT

Andrew Barth/Managing Editor 19

header left

SEAS Launches New Class Aimed at Eliminating All Ethics By Hunter Biden’s Sentient Laptop money > morals

Are you an engineering student? Have you turned down opportunities to work at mass surveillance companies because of silly things like a conscience? Don’t worry, Columbia now has you covered, because SEAS has just established a class called Merchant of Death 101. Below is a list of questions that the class aims to tackle, and a taste of some of our professors’ responses. Question: I thought the goal of engineering is to better people’s lives? Response: Are you stupid? The goal is obviously to make money. Only kids talk about stuff like ethics; adults talk about how much money they make. Lock in. Question: How do I tell my friends and family I built the missile that flattened 1,000 civilians in a rural village in Africa? Response: Very common issue; one second you’re enjoying your brother’s welcome home party from prison, the next second a CNN story pops up on the TV showing your recent pet project eviscerating dozens of happy families. First, try to make a distraction, maybe something tame like “Hey! That man is here to meet a 14-year-old boy!” That’s the old-

Andrea Joya/Staff Artist

est trick in the book. If the result of your work was particularly heinous (you can usually tell when even Fox News doesn’t defend it), then distraction won’t work. Instead, just say, “Whoops, that’s a little itty bitty mistake,” and then bring up how inappropriate that Sydney Sweeney ad was. Question: Can I use the money I make to prop up authoritarian regimes in developing nations? Response: Absolutely! Now you’re talking like a real aspiring American oligarch! Question: Doesn’t all life have value? I don’t want to build something to take life. Response: Tell me you get no huzz, without saying you get no huzz. Now I understand why you got stuffed in a locker in middle school. Question: HELP! My name is in the Epstein files! Response: Congratulations! That’s just proof you made it to the top. Now all you have to do is wait for the pardon. Question: How am I supposed to defend myself when I reach the pearly gates? Response: If you wake up in the afterlife, it’s hot, and there’s a gate say-

ing “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here,” then it’s already over. But hey, at least you could afford that one-bedroom sixfloor walk-up apartment in the West Village with no laundry in-building or AC. However, if you get a chance to defend your actions to a deity, just hit them with “Morals don’t pay the bills, pal, Lockheed Martin forever!” If that works, please contact me through the Ouija board I keep in my office. Question: My boss just asked me to make a Death Star-like weapon that we will test by destroying a small Middle Eastern nation. What should I say? Response: They possess weapons of mass destruction; don’t ask for evidence, just trust me. Build the weapon. Question: I keep getting recurring nightmares about the people I indirectly killed; what do I do? Response: Personally, I don’t sleep anymore. Instead, I just knock myself out each night using a concoction of illegal drugs.

Question: What if I care about sustainability? How can I reconcile that with working in the arms industry? Response: Think about it like this: at the Battle of Verdun in World War 1, both sides fired a combined 40-60 million artillery shells. Now just imagine a future where we can achieve that same level of destruction with just a couple hundred shells fired. Isn’t that more efficient? What a wonderful way to save our planet. The Merchant of Death 101 class is planning to launch in Fall 2027; every SEAS student is welcome to apply. Those who complete the course successfully will get an automatic internship with Boeing’s warfare division.

No Uncle at Goldman? No Problem, Columbia Launches ‘Networking and some Finance’ Major

By Isabela Klenorova

gatekeeping and girlbossing With a smidge of jealousy after SIPA launched a new undergraduate major, Columbia Business School rushed to launch its own major; its mission is determined to close the gap of nepo-babiness in finance. A CBS staff member announced that “the major seeks to have students who are really passionate about spreadsheets get a more ap20

plied course offering, one that closely aligns with business school teachings.” The staff member went on to describe how students will have projects where they have to pretend to be busy for hours while hiding from their professors. Data from internal studies at Columbia show students want more applied, practical cours-

es, including year-long courses and seminars on spreadsheets, how to make perfect slides that don’t make your bosses angry, and how to talk about the Ivy League in a way that isolates other people. Leaked documents reveal some newly finalized courses being offered alongside the major: NET 1011: Applied Cold Email-

ABOUT TO CHANGE MY MAJOR

ing - How to perfect the email to overworked VPs at JPMorgan and Goldman Sachs so you don’t get instantly deleted from their mailbox or sent to spam. NET 1032: Intro to LinkedIn Students learn to translate corporate slop into catchy, yet professionally performative posts on LinkedIn. Volume XLIV Issue 1

sit-ins turned to shit-tings

Public Safety Mistakes Club Fair for Encampment, Nine Members of Knitting Club in Custody By Shawn and Neil Kathuria

stitching up a plot

LOW STEPS — This past Friday afternoon, students from all across Columbia University gathered in Low Plaza for the annual club fair. “It was business as usual until the Knitting Club unveiled its poster,” one SEAS senior who wishes to remain anonymous told The Federalist. Officers established a perimeter at 1:39 PM around the northeast corner of the plaza, where nine members of the Knitting Club had erected a trifold poster board and a hand-knit banner reading “COLUMBIA KNITTING

CLUB.” All nine were detained. A 10th member, waiting in the mailroom line in the Wien basement, remains in line as of press time. “Protocol is protocol,” an officer on the scene said. “There was a banner. ” According to an incident report obtained by The Federalist, officers logged 42 knitting needles as “improvised poles” and two skeins of merino wool as “binding material.” The nine were released at 5:00 PM once the University established that the

Mnookin’ Around By Fed Staff you heard? President Mnookin, Please don’t go a’ bar snoopin’ Or we’ll start poopin’

group had issued no demands, save a Bring Your Own Yarn request to potential new members. The Club disputed this characterization, noting that it had requested a larger table for three consecutive years. The Poetry Club, three tables down, was cleared after officers confirmed they had grown bored listening to the members’ pitch. Public Safety did not respond to our request for a

comment. Another officer on the scene asked whether our table was registered.

Elma Lastname/Staff Artist

Limerick to the John Jay Shitter By Daksh Badri i really have to go... There once was a little old shitter, Who had a really loose sphincter, MiraLAX™ from the store, They shat on the floor And left with a hole a lil’ rawer.

Mnookin on Why Campus Bars Are Still Open: “Girl, I Actually Have Shit to Do Here”

By Reza Shayesteh

she multitasks, she dabbles At the announcement that Jennifer Mnookin would be taking over as University President, many students feared for the safety of their beloved student bars that have a culture of allowing underage drinking. During her time as chancellor at UW-Madison, Mnookin had a reputation for being militant about such matters, much to students’ dismay. However, a few weeks into the semester and hundreds of Pink Whitney shots later, no local bars October 2026

have displayed any changes in door policy. “Nah, I’m tight with Amity bouncers,” Tom Brown CC ‘30 reported when asked if he’d had any issues getting into bars. Local bar employees were also afraid of such closures and restrictions, but in anonymous interviews, they reported that nothing has been out of the ordinary during Mnookin’s new administration. Our Fed reporter had the chance to interview President Mnookin,

who, when asked about the matter, laughed and said, “I have other priorities these days.” Our reporter followed up by asking what matters are higher on her priority list, to which she said, “Ummm, look around, the last three bitches have left this place in shambles.” She mentioned other issues such as “our ongoing public fight with the president of the United States,” “the endless budget problems we have,” and “the city is fucking suing us.”

MNOOKIN ON CAMPUS

“Let the 18-year-olds drink their damn Four Lokos,” she said exasperatedly. “Plus,” she added, “I’m in New York fucking City now, I have shit going on,” she said, while throwing her curls into a messy bun. “Me and Laura have Wicked tickets for tomorrow, Museum of Ice Cream this Sunday with the kids, Little Ruby’s Res after, I have shit going on. New York New Nookin.”

21

What Your ShMikes Plimperton Advice Column Order Says About You Dear Ms. Plimperton,

By Sydney Kelble

mike’s way or no way

Your Go To: A) Hot Honey Chicken Sub B) Whatever the Cold Vegan Sub of the Day is C) Classic Meatball Sub D) A Random DIY Your Favorite Topping: A) Guacamole B) Red Onion C) Lettuce D) Banana Peppers Your Most Common ShMikes Visit Time: A) 1:00 PM B) 11:00 AM C) 5:00 PM D) 1:45 AM Fav Dressing: A) Balsamic Vinegar B) Red Wine Vinegar C) Olive Oil D) No Dressing, lots of Cheddar Cheese

Mostly As: You are basic, but trendy. You like it simple, but with a little twist and that’s okay. You definitely wore polka dots this summer. You probably say backshots are your fav, but it’s secretly missionary. And that’s okay too. Missionary feels good and is very intimate! Mostly Bs: You’re fucked up, and you probably lean into that. Wear that rat-tail with pride. Smoke those cigs, but not too many! We like you. Mostly Cs: One day, you’ll probably be my boss, and I have accepted that. Mostly Ds:

This is my first year living with my best friends, and it’s everything I’d ever hoped for in all regards but one. The other day I caught one of them, I’ll call her Marissa, staring out the kitchen window, shirtless. I cleared my throat to let her know I was behind, and she just invited me to join her. We haven’t spoken in days now, and I’m not really sure how to proceed. Any advice you may have is duly appreciated. Gratefully, Friend of the Kitchen Flasher Dear “Friend” of the Kitchen Flasher, I am absolutely appalled by your lack of roommate etiquette. Truly, your generation has simply no idea how to interact with people who aren’t on your phone. The POLITE thing to do when your roommate strips her shirt is, after a quick glance, is to take off your own SHIRT and STARE out of the window. Your generous roommate even had the good manners to invite you to participate, yet you affixed them with your Gen-Z stare and went off to go play on your Instabook or Splajompy or whatever you children use. Never in my life! Outraged, Ms. Plimperton Dear Ms. Plimperton, I am taking a statistics class right now, and I am struggling a bit and I feel behind my peers. Do you have any tips or resources I could use? Thanks! 0% Good at Stats Dear Zero Per Cent, Statistics are an affront against our holy God in Heaven and the Catholic Church on Earth. Do you presume yourself to be some kind of prophet? I assure you that you are not – anyone with God on their side would have no issue passing STAT UN1001. Only God may know the future, as he is omniscient, and the only humans who may issue predictions are informed by Him. It is PRIDEFUL. Besides, things either happen or they don’t, 100% or 0%. Which can only be revealed through prayer, not a math professor. I would stop searching for the p-value and instead look for God. If you are some kind of Protestant, I would give up entirely and resign yourself to eternal suffering after death. In Faith, Ms. Plimperton

22

Volume XLIV Issue 1

October 2026

23

Down: 1. A nickname for your (thankfully, non-cancerous) gonads, perhaps 2. “_ _ Sports: It’s in the game” 3. As opposed to was or will be 4. A region encompassing MD to ME 5. An-occasionally-roasted-vampire-deterrent Wi-Fi-protector 6. Indefinite article before words that start with a vowel sound 7. The NY version of this has a famed SVU 8. Sydney Sweeney has appeared in quite a few controversial ones of these 9. Prepared in a new, perhaps more positive way 10. A particularly verbose Eliot 11. The answer to this one is yi 12. An abbreviation at the verrryyy end of a letter 13. No, not this water pipe used for smoking cannabis, that ____ ____

Crossword answers on socials & website Across: 1. Maybe the John Jay Shitter was doing this

31. Currently crushing on

18. A legal command to STOP

32. A prefix for shared responsibility

15. The team devoted to reputations

20. Not off

33. Candle and kettle confiscator

16. Past tense suffix

21. The folks with ¿good? genes

17. Freshly-douched tush, aka

22. 5¢, periodically speaking

34. ___ chic: when a SEAS freshman decides to live in Butler for the entirety of finals

14. An onomatopoeia for wonder, or maybe sometimes pain

18. I can neither _____ or deny that I know who the John Jay Shitter is 19. Maybe the title of a memo about your new suitemate 24. Ruined 25. Word with pin or tiger 34. “Everywhere I’m looking now / I’m surrounded by your embrace…” 35. Oil in Roma 41. A baseball player who hangs around the third base foul line wayyy out there 42. Exclamation that must come out so quickly it forgets the W(hat)

23. Freedom of Speech & Press and American Foreign Policy fall under this dept heading on Vergil

36. This round’s acceptance rate for Columbia was 3% compared to Barnard’s 6%

25. The Badlands state

37. If Caesar were to describe the hit Broadway musical about certain love interests of King Henry

26. They come as MD or PhD

38. Not out

27. When it’s good, you raise both hands high to the sky

39. Someone from the Class of ‘26 now

28. Patents, copyrights, trademarks, e.g. 29. A texter’s “much appreciated!”

40. DID’s former designation 49. A bad way to START

30. Repeated, a neat kids’ toy or a celebrated cellist

43. Zeus’ cow of a lover 44. Mid 45. Reading, Pennsylvania, B&O, and Short Line, abrv. 46. Last of the F.A.N.B.O.Y.S. 47. Ben Shelton’s sponsor 48. Slangy intensifier

ON SUNDAYS AT 8:30 PM IN LERNER 569 SUBMIT TO

CHIEF@COLUMBIAFEDERALIST.COM