The Federalist 2022 Issue 5

Volume XXXIX • Issue 5 • May 2022

Columbia's Only Newspaper that is Energy Efficient

SET US FREE

THE TEAM

EDITORIAL BOARD Nikhil Mehta Gustie Owens Feditors-in-Chief Amelia Fay Jayne Magliocco Managing Editors Zoe Davidson Matt Nola

Head Submissions Editors

ASSOCIATE BOARD Sam Grossman Layout Editor Grace Weinswig Layout Team Mollie Schmidtberger Head Copy Editor Lillian Aregawi Whitney Deng Anique Edwards Julian Gerber Eliza Heath Megan Meyerson Max Monical Emily Olsen Anjali Ramakrishnan Mary Schauf Benjamin Scherzer Sylvie Stein Lauren Unterberger Submissions Editors Kat Chen Graphics Editor Zoe Vogelsang Online Editor Elizabeth Meyer Phillip Ruddy Nurasyl Shokeyev Wesley Schmidt Senior Editors

2

STAFF

Juliette Bellinson, Carl Bock, Ilan Cohen, Matilda Darragh-Ford, Sophia DiPietro, Fenway Donegan, Molly Durawa, Dessa Gerger, Sloane Goldberg, Eliza Heath, Blake Jones, Andrew Kirdahy, Yoni Kurtz, Thaddeus Lipke, Dahlia Low, Alex Malamud, Sofie Matson, Max Monical, Sofia Pirri, Dani Rivera, Olivia Ruble, Ava Sanjabi, Dahlia Soussan, Emma Sullaway, Sylvi Stein, Clay Seliga, Benjamin Scherzer, Sophie Simons, Izzy Szyfer, Baha Topbas, Grace Weinswig, Jennifer Zhang Staff Writers Lillian Aregawi Danielle Odigie Dani Rivera Olivia Ruble Prisha Samdarshi Zoe Vogelsang Allison Zhang Staff Artists Molly Durawa Eliza Heath Miriam Alvarez-Rosenbloom Sophie Simons Ava Young-Stoner Staff Copy Editors Lillian Aregawi Social Chair Matilda Darragh-Ford Lauren Unterberger Video Editors

A Dispatch from the Feditors Dear loyal breeders, Does anyone have a senior gala ticket?

We write this letter from our print death bed. There is a good chance that we never print anything of note in our lives actually. As we say goodbye to you and to the Fed, we wanted to share our final updates. Nikhil passed his walking final, proving that Columbia takes our money and teaches us things we already knew. Gustie handed in her thesis that no one will read. And we have spent 4 years making you laugh for free. Venmo us for our emotional labor. But actually can you venmo us for that taxi that we charged father gorsuch?

Spring is upon us and it’s the first graduation season Columbia has seen in a few years. Seniors have decided to stop hiding their wealth under their thrifted Carhartt jackets and instead post multi-hundred dollar offers for senior cruise tickets on Facebook. Freshman, Sophomores and Juniors have never heard of Facebook, leading Columbia community events to exist solely in our minds.

Organized fun after organized fun, shenan after shenan, our staff and board members (and stragglers) have turned up with amazing ideas each week. We extend a very special thank you to them.

In this issue, we continue to rank things, but not as much as Bwog. They seem to have forgotten the importance of the written word, unfettered by numbers.

Please read our work, roll it into contraceptives, wonder: what conditions prompt these writers to write such smut? Arguably, we have been exposed to a severe mold infestation that is causing intrusive thoughts.

See ya!

Chief Gustie and Nikhil

TABLE OF CONTENTS PAGE 3: Bots n tots PAGE 4: Tasteful Funeral Content PAGE 5: B is for Barnard Baddie PAGE 6: Beets PAGE 7: Video, in Print PAGE 8-9: We Write Another Bible PAGE 10: This one is many more books PAGE 11: Acid PAGE 12: Bottom of the Barrel PAGE 13: Low-Brow PAGE 14-16: Filler

the people will hear from me one last time

Volume XXIX Issue 5

CAMPUS HORROR STORIES

By Matilda Darragh-Ford, Mollie Schmidtberger, and Lauren Unterberger

power squad It’s 7:00 pm and he is loose in Hewitt. He’s very sweaty and has had an extremely long day full of catching and throwing. “Sports, y’know,” he says as the freshmen by the salad bar shiver at the sound of his footsteps. He is a brick shithouse with a very rumbly tummy.

This hungry, hungry boy is wearing two backpacks and four hats. One of

Lillian Aregawi/Staff Artist

Very Hungry Football Boy at it Again those bags will smack you into the juice machine while he turns to holler, “Yo, Josh! Rad practice, my man,” and if you’re lucky, he’ll smack you on the way back, too. Maybe you saw him once on Tinder, or maybe he body-checked you as you entered the Hamilton elevator.

Or maybe, just maybe, you’ve only ever seen this very hungry caterpillar of a man in your dreams. He’s gonna keep munching at the Flaming Grille line until all that remains is dust and ashes after the Judgment Day.

First-Year Mistakes Housing Lottery for “The Lottery” by Shirley Jackson

By Zoe Davidson

winna winna Last night, an RA discovered a heap of stones in first-year student Greg Summers’ John Jay dorm room.

When questioned about the rocks, Summers reportedly told the RA that he needed them “to stone the one kid who drew the paper slip with the black dot on it.” Confused and alarmed, the RA pressed Summers to explain what he meant. “You know! For the lottery!

When all the rising sophomores draw paper slips from the black wooden box and then whoever’s slip has a black dot Dani Rivera/Staff Artist

on it gets stoned by their classmates!”

After several more questions, the RA finally realized that Summers had confused the upcoming housing lottery for the gruesome ritual depicted in Shirley Jackson’s short story “The Lottery.”

“I kept wondering why Greg was so jumpy around his hall-mates,” said the RA when interviewed by Federalist reporters. “At hall meetings, he would sit by himself and say strange stuff like ‘I know what happened to the Hutchinson family! I know what happened to Tessie! I won’t let it happen to me!’”

Classmates of Summers also noticed his erratic behavior: “I would see

him by the printers in Butler with his eyes closed, feeling random slips of paper. I guess he must have been practicing detecting how to sense ink on a slip of paper so that he didn’t draw a marked one.” Another classmate observed that Greg was obsessed with counting down the days to June 27th. “Every time we spoke, he’d say something about how quickly ‘the lottery’ was coming and I’d be like ‘yeah, Columbia Housing moved it back to late April this year’ to which he’d anxiously say ‘what are you talking about? The tradition is to draw the slips on June 27th.’ I just thought he was super weird and left it at that.”

A final classmate went on the record saying “Honestly, I think reenacting ‘the lottery’ from Shirley Jackson’s story would be a hell of a lot less stressful than the housing lottery. Sure, the idea of getting stoned to death by 4,000 of your classmates is scary, but have you ever had to watch as all of the non-shaft McBain suites fill up and all you’re left with is a 170-squarefoot double with no windows and vents? Now that is pure terror.”

I Want to Write a Novel

By Elizabeth Warner Meyer

future barista I wish this were satire. You wish this were satire.

My parents DEFINITELY wish this were satire.

Upon graduating from Barnard College of Columbia University, I would like to write and publish a novel.

Haha. Hahaha. Ha.

Olivia Ruble/Staff Artist

May 2022

a well-read woman is a dangerous creature

3

FBI, OPEN UP!

Deantini, Let Us Give You a (Consensual) Viking Funeral

By Matilda Darragh-Ford, Mollie Schmidtberger, and Lauren Unterberger

Only for you, my love. Only for you.

Dear Deantini, This is a letter that no college student should ever have to write for their Dean. For indeed, you will always be our beloved Dean. But just as trends change and rumors fly through new skies, you are bound on another glorious path. So, to honor you and your legacy, we have an offer: Deantini, let us give you a viking funeral (consensually, of course).

What better way to celebrate the incredible legacy you blazed at Columbia University than to send you off in a boat and then light the boat on fire via a flaming arrow shot by a talented archer?

We will be artnering with the Columbia Crew and Archery teams to launch *a* body into the Hudson. We will always love you, and our mind will always be a beginner’s.

Go with God (and a very large pension) <3, Lauren, Mollie, Matilda, & the Columbia Federalist

(P.S. Lauren goes to Barnard and doesn’t really know who you are, but she says, “It was really nice to meet you that one time, you seem really cool!”)

I Challenge the Columbia Spectator to Look at the Mole on My Back and Tell me if it’s Bad

By Matilda Darragh-Ford, Mollie Schmidtberger, and Lauren Unterberger

#JustDoIt Well, well, well, Columbia Spectator.

Here we are again. We have to stop meeting like this, me with my shirt off, and you wearing glasses like a nerd. If you aren't too slippery from being a sweaty little guy,

maybe you’ll show some initiative and FINALLY look at the mole on my back. It’s at a weird angle, so I can’t really see it in the mirror when I really stretch. Just take a gander, big man, and tell me if it's benign.

Is it symmetrical? Does it have irregular borders?

Wow. Not gonna tell me? That’s fine, see if I care. I bet you guys don’t even know how to spell melanoma. Losers.

Sophie Simons/Staff Artist

Olivia Ruble/Staff Artist

New Housing Predictor Just Tells You Exactly What You Want to

By Fenway Donegan controversial stance on puppies In an attempt to quell the anxiety surrounding the 2022 Columbia Housing Lottery, a new app developed by the Columbia Spectator allows users to simply input whatever they want the app to tell them.

In a statement announcing

4

its release, a developer for the app explained, “We found that students kept searching through various housing prediction websites until they found one that confirmed what they already believed, so we decided to create an app that prioritizes reassuring students over providing accurate information. Do you think you can get a Broadway single

with a 4187 lottery number?

According to this app, you can.”

The developer went on to explain that once the app finishes betatesting, students will be able to have other thoughts, feelings, and emotions mirrored back to them, which they hope will increase user retention even further.

It's the Female Body Inspector!

Sophie Simons/Staff Artist

Volume XXIX Issue 5

BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE

We Offer Suggestions to Replace “Beautiful” in Barnard Slogan

By Matilda Darragh-Ford, Mollie Schmidtberger, and Lauren Unterberger

B’s in the trap, B’s B’s in the trap.

In this modern era, many students and administrators alike are concerned about beauty standards and the reductive practice of placing value on the physical aesthetics of students at a historically women’s college. So, in response to these extremely valid concerns, the Columbia Federalist offers some fresh, innovative, and more societally aware alternatives: • • •

Bitchin’ Buxom Bazinga

• • • • • • • • • • • •

Bodyodyodyodyody Boss Baby 3 British Badminton (Lesbian) Breezy (Beautiful Covergirl, Easy) Boobies Bootylicious Brennan Lee Mulligan Beefed Bridgerton Season 2 Badabing Badaboom Baby, baby, baby, ooooh, like baby, baby, baby, noooo!

Zoe Davidson/Head Submission Editor

BREAKING: Core to Register All Philosophy Majors in Same CC Section to Prevent Them From “annoying everyone else”

By Max Monical INSERT BYLINE CORE OFFICE – A cheer audible from Prezbo’s secret yacht in the Caspian Sea went up this week when the Center for the Core Curriculum announced its plan to make “philosophy-majoronly” sections of Contemporary Civilization for the 2022-2023 Academic Year. The Center cited “repeated and obscene complaints about philosophy majors and their contributions to Contemporary Civilization classes” as the reason for the change.

“You should hear some of the stuff students were saying about these philosophy majors,” says Larry Jackson, director of the Center. “It was pretty awful. I had to go on Urban Dictionary to get the definition of some of these

May 2022

insults. Despite saying in our initial email to rising sophomores that we want to encourage ‘a diversity of backgrounds and interests in each section of Contemporary Civilization,’ there’s an exception to every rule. In this case, it’s just not worth subjecting the other students to the pretentiousness of the philosophy majors.”

Adam Dima, CC’25, told the Fed that he was elated to hear about the change: “Thank god, holy shit,” Dima exclaimed, blinking through tears of gratitude. “I can’t take one more ‘according to moral relativism’ comment. I’ll literally throw myself off Furnald. Or maybe Milbank, fewer floors. No one gives a fuck if Hume is your favorite philosopher.”

A similar change is being considered for freshmen who are intended literature majors in their Lit Hum sections, but no official plans have been made yet.

Baturdays are for the boyz

5

BURF & BURF

Dani Rivera/Staff Artist

Banish Beets From New York

By Rupi Kaur

beat beater Today for dinner I had a side of beets.

I guess without them the meal Would have been incomplete, but honestly it was an experience I wouldn’t repeat.

Why should I accept defeat and eat another plate of beets— another hour at the table as my roommates hear me bleat

Because I so detest beets— my hatred for them is so strong

I cannot be discreet.

All my friends advise me: “Just eat meat! Let the beets take a backseat.”

To which I respond: “I’m vegetarian—

I don’t eat anything with a heartbeat.”

But put me in the hot seat And I might admit that against products made from wheat, beets simply can’t compete.

Alternatives to Surf and Turf

By Grace Weinswig, Mollie Schmidtberger, Lauren Unterberger, and Olivia Ruble 1.

Oh! How I wish I kept the receipt From when I bought the dreaded beets, But alas, this curse is bittersweet; beets sure are nutritious, at least.

But now I must write a spreadsheet So the plan to eat these beets is concrete.

2.

3.

4.

#JustDoIt Beans and Jean — Chow down on some garbanzo and meet Prezbo’s wife, Jean!

Cheese and Trees — Go crazy on a bag of cheese after smoking a little grass.

Gorsuch and My Itch — Neil Gorsuch will itch that spot on my back that I can’t reach.

Beilock and a Rock — Learn about the difference between igneous and sedimentary with

5.

6.

7.

8.

PrezBae! Lentils and Rentals — For old time’s sake, rent a Redbox DVD and boil up the lentils.

Spam and Spam — Toast the classic canned pork product “Spam” and go through your mom’s horrendous email inbox.

Bitches and ‘Wiches — Pet female dogs and eat sandwiches. Need we say more?

Fed and Bed — Read some of your favorite Federalist articles from the comfort of your Twin XL mattress.

Molly Durawa / Staff Artist

6

sneezed on the beet and the beet got sicker

Volume XXIX Issue 5

C IS FOR COOKIE

Lee Bollinger: What's in my Bag?

By Zoe Davidson

Cupid's enforcers President Lee C. Bollinger is a busy man. From running an Ivy League institution during the day to kicking back with Jean and the kids at night, Prezbo’s days are packed! We sat down with this Columbia University legend to learn a little bit more about what he keeps in his bag with his hands and bank account so full.

A Montblanc black fountain pen “I can’t leave home without it!”

Bollinger dished to The Federalist. “It’s my lucky pen. I got it as a gift when I became president of Columbia back in 2002, and it’s been with me through every grad student strike I’ve tried to quash in the past 20 years.”

The pen, valued at $265.00, is on sale at www.montblanc.com and available for shipping to the United States.

A pocket copy of the United States Constitution President Bollinger identifies as a legal scholar before all else. “Running the

University is incredibly rewarding,” he explained. “But I pine for the days when I could just focus on teaching about free speech rather than dealing with students using free speech against me.” To keep in touch with his roots, Bollinger loves having the U.S. Constitution close.

“Plus, at parties, I can always whip it out and do a dramatic reading of the Foreign Emoluments Clause. It always gets a laugh … word on the street is a certain Lin-Manuel Miranda will be using it as the basis of his next musical.”

U.S. Constitutions are available for purchase starting at $10.99 at www. amazon.com.

Readers can find white bread at their local grocery store.

A vial of tears “Oh! This little thing?” President Bollinger remarked when we asked about the small, clear vial peeking out from the side of his bag. “It’s a collection of the tears of graduate students. I ask my colleagues to keep the tissues from the collective bargaining sessions, and then I have my secretary wring them out into this little pocket-sized vial. It’s one

A slice of un-buttered white bread “It’s my FAVORITE snack,” exclaimed Bollinger. “I just love all the flavors.

Refined, elevated, classic—much like all of the names on Butler Library. What more could you ask for?” Prezbo added that he doesn’t like to eat it with butter because that’s “too much.” Sometimes, though, if he’s feeling particularly playful, he’ll toast his slice. “Only on special occasions, of course!”

of my most prized possessions!”

The vial of tears is not available at traditional retail outlets. We recommend asking your TA their hourly salary to collect your own!

The organs of seven small children “I know it’s a bit untraditional, maybe a bit shocking even,” Bollinger prefaced, “but I need to keep enough organs on hand to sacrifice to Satan!”

The Federalist is not allowed to discuss where to find children’s organs.

Olivia Ruble/Staff Artist

Olivia Ruble / Staff Artist

Graduation Speaker Replaced with Older, Richer Man

By Fenway Donegan, Sylvi Stein, and Izzy Szyfer Chamber pot dealers Amidst a myriad of controversy, Columbia University has announced its newest commencement speaker for 2022: an Even Older And Richer Man. The speaker has been named one of Forbes’ 30 Under 30, and has extensive experience in the tech startup business and with his self-titled charity. The university announced that they hope “his relevant expertise in the fields of venture capital, philanthropy, and economics should provide a unique perspective on intergenerational wealth

May 2022

and whiteness in America.”

After inheriting a reasonably apportioned amount of money at the age of 19, Columbia’s 2022 commencement speaker was able to build himself from the ground up—from an executive assistant internship on the 24th floor of Bank of America to the executive director of wealth management on the 41st floor of Goldman Sachs. When reached for comment about his commencement speech, he said “It's like I’ve always said– it's about what you know, not just who you know” [emphasis added].

However, mere moments after the announcement, controversy erupted

among the student body due to the the surfacing of a VCR tape of Howard Stern’s nephew’s briss, in which the commencement speaker made comments that students have deemed “offensive” and “no actually, that's really offensive, he definitely shouldn’t be given a platform to speak at Columbia.”

Public reception of the new commencement speaker has been mixed: “What can’t be said about him?” says one student who claims to be silenced by their NDAs. “Oh, sweet!” says a prospective Business Major.

In his email addressing the controversy, President Lee Bollinger

can't spell Bollinger without "linger"...

reiterated that “Columbia has always supported the freedom of speech of its alumni, and the fee-dom of speech involved in their opportunity to speak at our events.” A spokesperson for Columbia added, “I think it’s important that students listen to what he has to say, as it will be good practice for their lives after graduation.”

As a reminder, immediately following commencement, male students are invited to take photos with the keynotes speaker, while female students are encouraged to maintain a legally mandated distance of 3.5 feet.

7

LOVE ON LOW

Get a Bad Date Based on The Undergrad School You Choose

By Juliette Bellinson

too damn real and greets you with a smile. He looks at the menu, shakes his head, and tells you SEAS boy: that he has a better place in mind. You A cute boy in a Jae Woo Lee arrive at Chipotle, where he orders two Hackathon t-shirt and a hoodie comes burrito bowls with brown rice and extra up to you in the library. You guys hit it chicken. He explains that Chipotle is off and he asks for your Discord handle. “objectively best value,” comparing the Great. On Discord, you have a long CPD (calories per dollar) of this order to conversation and get to know each other other local restaurants. You ask him how all while it says that Valorant has been much he makes at his Google internship, running on his computer for upwards of and it’s enough to make monthly rent in 14 hours. You learn about all his dreams. West Village.

He wants to work at Citadel or Two Sigma You talk with him for about an hour someday, but Google will suffice for while he eats his burrito bowl. He cuts now. His favorite movies are Good Will you off mid-sentence and says that he has Hunting and all of the Star Wars prequels to leave to go grind Leetcode. You both (but only ironically). After a long talk, he say it was fun and that you should do this asks you on a date and you agree. again sometime. You never do.

You arrive at the restaurant. He is mildly offended at the fact that you were To read about CC Boy, Barnard several minutes late, but he puts this aside Student and GS Man, check out our

CCSC Announces Next Year’s Senior Cruise Tickets Will be Awarded by Guessing How Many Jelly Beans Fit Inside PrezBo’s House

By Jennifer Zhang & Karina Feng

Belly Flop This Monday, the Columbia College Student Council announced that senior cruise tickets for the Class of 2023 would be distributed based on students’ abilities to guess the number of Jelly Beans that fit inside President Bollinger’s house.

The announcement was released amid widespread dismay that tickets to the Class of 2022 senior cruise had sold out within 30 seconds of being released.

When asked to explain the Council’s decision, a CCSC

10

spokesman responded, “We’re tired of everyone getting mad that they couldn’t get tickets in time. So we’re giving you all the time in the world, but you better guess the number of Jelly Beans correctly. I hope you mastered back-of-the-envelope calculations in FroSci.” The President’s House, a three-story mansion nestled between Wien and everyone’s favorite lunchtime-only dining hall, underwent a $20 million renovation in 2006. Students can only guess at how far the building extends underground or if Prezbo has a secret bunker.

Bradley Waters (CC’25), an undeclared physics major, expressed support for the move. “Now, everyone has a

statistically equal chance of getting tickets. It’s really an egalitarian solution to the whole problem.”

Ivana Hughes, Director of the Frontiers of Science program, was ecstatic about the announcement: “This is the exact kind of scenario that a Columbia education should prepare students for. I’m deeply excited and hope this will compel freshmen to actually care about FroSci.” When asked about what would happen if no one correctly guessed the number of Jelly Beans, the CCSC spokesperson said they would move the Senior Cruise to the Surf n’ Turf boat.

we found love in a hopeless place

Koronet Pizza Opts Not to Uncover a Grade After Health Inspection

By Nurasyl Shokeyev Remy MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS— After dropping a whopping 58 points on its most recent inspection by the NYC health commissioner, Remy Koronet (the owner of the beloved local pizza joint Koronet Pizza) has decided not to uncover a grade for this semester. “I’ve been waiting to use my P/D/F option since freshman year, when I took over the family business from uncle Jerry,” said Remy, still busy filling holes in the walls with dough. “So having consulted our advisor in the Italian Department, I decided this was the perfect time to do

so,” he added, “it really makes me appreciate the culinary risks Columbia allows us to take during our time here.”

Remy’s decision was received positively by other owners of local joints. Mr. Wu and Mrs. Nussbaum said, “We’ve had our share of problems in the health department so we get it: sometimes life gets in the way, you just have to cut yourself some slack. Plus, now they won’t bring the GPA of our whole neighborhood down with them.”

At 2 AM the following day, students were seen lining up in front of Koronet’s, “to get their slices before the rats eat them all.”

Volume XXIX Issue 5

WE VENMO REQUESTED YOU

Is Your Friend Running a Venmo Scam?

By Anonymous

out to restaurants for large group Recess Reject dinners, are they always the one to Does your friend always insist put their card down? Your friend that you Venmo them back for split may be running a Venmo scam.

It has come to our attention that Ubers rather than just using the split function on the app? When you go a group of decentralized Columbia

students (who still receive an allowance from their parents at the age of 21) are running a Venmo scam that has stolen money from their own families and misallocated the funds of their peers. The scam plays out as follows: the perpetrator puts down their card—or should I say their parents’ card—for a large group purchase like a ten person dinner or a Friday evening table at Paul’s Casablanca, creating an illusion of generosity. Then, the perpetrator asks their friends to send their portion of the bill to their personal Venmo account, flooding their own bank account with funds that should be returned to their parents, who rightfully financed that Carbone dinner or, in the most extreme circumstance we’ve seen, a spring

break hotel bill.

What can you do to ensure that you or a friend do not fall victim to a Venmo scammer? If you suspect that you know an individual who is involved in the ring, we recommend that you…

1. Confront the perpetrator. Call your friend out on stealing from their parents.

2. Email their parents. It is only fair that the individuals financing the suspect’s social life know that their hard-earned capital has been unfairly wielded.

3. Venmo their parents. If steps 1 and 2 are unsuccessful, we recommend you take a more direct, vigilante approach, and Venmo your friends’ parents directly. Sending a check also works.

Sophie Simons / Staff Artist

A List of Every Cuss We Know to See if The Federalist Will Print It

By Lauren Unterberger, Matilda Darragh-Ford, and Mollie Schmidtberger

1. Ass 2. Asshole 3. Bastard 4. Bitch 5. Bollocks 6. Cock 7. Damn 8. Dick 9. Fuck 10. Hell 11. Shit 12. Wanker

May 2022

what the ********

Oh shit, they really did it. They really published all those words. This is the First Amendment in action.

Love, Prezbo

Sophie Simons/Staff Artist

Does the First Amendment protect yelling "wanker" in a crowded theater?

11

YOU GET MORE HONEYS BEING FLY

URGENT: NYC Club Promoter Searching For Columbia Girls To Fill His Table At John Jay Dining Hall

By Dani Rivera

executed yesterday In an attempt to fundraise for new chairs, Columbia Dining recently auctioned off a table at John Jay Dining Hall. They claimed the highest bidder would receive ownership of a table at the university’s busiest dining hall. Ben Derhover, a famous NYC club promoter that goes by the Instagram username @ sexy_boi_in_nyc, stepped in to resolve the chair fiasco, offering a whopping

$10,000 for a designated table.

Ben captioned his recent Instagram photo with the following: “thought id help the NYC college community a bit haha. now im looking for 10 smoking hot columbia babes to join me for dinner at john jay at 8 PM on friday, with a party at LAVO to follow (must stay until 2:30 AM). dm 4 deets.”

He recently reached out to Fed for help, stating that “the sexiest ladies read The Columbia Federalist.” Must have 21+ ID and be on birth control.

How To Lose a Fly in 10 Days

By Gustie Owens

Why the long face It was a balmy evening. I made myself a cup of tea and cracked the window. Oh, the lovely breeze. But what the lovely breeze brought in… I thought it was a bee at first and was terrified. But no. I learned

this tiny, little, dumb fly was so much worse. I knew if I didn’t prepare, he would slowly drive me crazy, so I had to out-crazy him. The only course of action was to follow Kate Hudson’s tried and true 10-step method on how to lose a fly.

DAY ONE: Calling Too Much Heeeere little fly here little fly!!! Come to the vacuum!

DAY TWO: Ruin Sports Play tag around the room with a fly swatter!

Olivia Ruble / Staff Artist

DAY THREE: Girl Things Hey little fly, do you want to watch the notebook and then talk about how we wash our diva cups?

DAY FOUR: Chick-Flick Marathon Maybe the light of the TV will make him easier to spot DAY FIVE: Food Issues Start putting food away.

He’ll hate that!

DAY SIX: Nagging About Cigars Start putting his cigars away.

He’ll hate that even more.

DAY SEVEN: Being Terrible at Sex Right when the fly is on the ceiling, that’s when…

DAY NINE: Make Composites of What Our Kids Would Look Like, Get Him a Dog, Take Him to a Fake Therapist, Get Him Punched in the Actual Face Awww, look at this picture of little Benji. He has all of your eyes.

DAY TEN: We Physically Separate by Several Thousand Miles Day 10, and you were being a tease. Had me chasing you to the window, you’d look out of it then turn back around. Fuck it, have the lease.

I’ve moved to Los Angeles.

Case closed.

DAY EIGHT: Stevie Nicks

12

alright

alright alright

Volume XXIX Issue 5

FED SPRING CROSSWORD

By Danielle Odigie

ANSWERS ON WEBSITE

ACROSS 1 Get this over rice 6 Rowing team 10 "EARFQUAKE" Album 11 The IRA the finance majors tell you to get 12 Delhi dress 13 other, in Spanish class 14 What this Hot Girl Summer will lack 17 ____ Squeeze, apple flavored hangover cure 18 How I snuck Pink Whitney into Bacchanal 19 Twilight Sparkle stan 21 E____, Old McDonald chant

May 2022

23 a shrimpy and beefy time 30 Poke and ____ prod 31 Gray ____, blurred lines 32 Author unknown 33 5% on the windows 34 Koronet's new management from the hit rat movie 35 Inexact figures: Abbr.

eat a bagel

DOWN 1 Thpeak like thith 2 What fills the petri dishes in Chem Lab 3 What Oliver Twist asked for 4 Myers _____, All the baddies are INFP 5 Removing my ex's name from my Insta posts 6 one half of a pair of ugly shoes 7 ____ Roll, Amsterdam late night fav 8 To be, in French class 9 ____ your Daddy?

15 Brick phone

16 "I pass" in a game of Bridge (who tf plays Bridge) 20 Pirouette 22 How to treat that JJ's Place constipation 23 Fight 24 Obsolete spelling of dead grandma storage 25 ___ and board 26 Who is stopping me from jumping the turnstile 27 Where Chef Mike (ALLEGEDLY) makes his grandma subs 28 Apartment pay, or a theater kid's 29 One of the macros Gym Bro Connor told me to track (FUCK YOU CONNOR)

13

THE FOOL DOTH THINK HE IS WISE

Fed Senior Wisdom Name: Nikhil Mehta Hometown: New York Positions held: Feditor-inChief, Head Submissions Editor, Online Editor, Submissions Editor Favorite Fed memory?

Being serenaded with Matt Nola by Kingsman (kingsmen??) on Valentine's day weekend sophomore year at a fed meeting. Or first meeting as Feditorin-Chief with Gustie and seeing so many old and new wonderful funny people in person again.

What's one thing everyone should do at Columbia?

Get into a fight with the head of Columbia Dining about the lack of chairs in John Jay, then when they ultimately refuse to increase the amount of chairs by a significant number use your fake news media paper to write a three piece series exposing them for a fake scandal about beans. OR take a bath in the penis fountains.

May 2022

Name: Gustie Owens Hometown: New York Positions held: Feditor-inchief, Subs Editor, Layout Editor, Managing Editor Favorite Fed memory? I really enjoyed the Boobs shenanigan (see back). I also love when we were planning shenanigans and someone said "what if as a shenan, we just hung out?"

I really think everyone on Fed is so funny and kind and just invested in making the community chuckle. Love all of the goofy meetings. Some of the meetings that have gotten derailed are my favorite.

What's one thing everyone should do at Columbia? Go to things. Like go to the events your RA hosts and figure out how to host community events on the school's dime. Get to know new people as a senior!

Also take cuttings from the plants in Lewisohn hall. Also get 4 desserts at John Jay, try tiny bites of all of them and then eat them in order least favorite to favorite.

Name: Mary Schauf Hometown: Arlington, VA Positions held: Subs Editor Favorite Fed memory? When my piece "Worried honors student concerned how department knows he ejects magnum cum" was rejected What's one thing everyone should do at Columbia? get CAVA'd

Name: Emily Olson Hometown: Miami, FL Positions held: Subs Editor and Staff Writer Favorite Fed memory?

Heckling the general public on April Fools Day with Spectador issues What's one thing everyone should do at Columbia? Stay a virgin, pure and holy <3

Name: Wesley Schmidt Hometown: Walton, Kentucky Positions held: Submissions Editor, Copy Editor, Head Copy Editor, Senior Editor Favorite Fed memory? We had a picnic in the park at the end of last Spring and the ~wholesome vibes~ What's one thing everyone should do at Columbia?

Start a random conversation with someone in the elevator.

People are way too uptight and they need to be thrown a curveball every now and then. I've made some pretty solid friends in elevator convos.

Name: Matt Nola Hometown: Steubenville, Ohio Positions held: Staff Writer, Submissions Editor, Head Copy Editor, Head Submissions Editor Favorite Fed memory? Being unexpectedly serenaded with my good friend and cowriter, Nikhil Mehta, by an a cappella group. Would highly recommend!

What's one thing everyone should do at Columbia? Drink the John Jay potato water. You probably won't find anything like it anywhere else in the world.

endorse us on LinkedIn

Name: Elizabeth Meyer Hometown: Chicago Positions held: Undertaker, writer, senior editor Favorite Fed memory? Fed Bash 2019! I arrived directly from my first and last piece of performance art in which I dressed up as a tree and stood barefoot in a pile of dirt, reciting poetry to people who took apples from said pile of dirt. I then made Amelia and Nury drink for me during slap cup because I have celiac.

What's one thing everyone should do at Columbia? Get weirdly obsessed with and into jogging.

Name: Nurasyl Shokeyev Hometown: Nur-Sultan, KZ Positions held: Senior Editor, Managing Editor, Submissions Editor Favorite Fed memory?

Exploring the tunnels after meeting What's one thing everyone should do at Columbia?

The Varsity Show, in any capacity

15

ON APRIL 22, THE FED TOOK ON THE IMPORTANT GOOF (MESSAROUND, SHENANIGAN, ETC.) OF SPELLING "BOOB" ON THE LAWN WITH NOTHING BUT OUR BODIES. WE ARE VERY PROUD OF IT AND LOOK FORWARD TO CELEBRATING THIS EVERY YEAR.