The Columbia Federalist October 2018 Issue

Volume XXXV • Issue 1 • October 2018

the FEDERALIST Columbia’s Only Newspaper That Screams When You Burn It

THE STAFF EDITORIAL BOARD Ani Wilcenski Ben Most Feditors-in-Chief Nick Ribola Managing Editor W. Reed Simmons Head Submissions Editor ASSOCIATE BOARD Alex Horn Layout Editor Natalie Arenzon Graphics Editor

Harrison Gale Video Editor

Sam Millner Copy Editor

Michelle Dandeneau Archivist

Jeremy Adkins Julia Schreder Annie Iezzi Luis Vera Julian Pecht Submissions Editors STAFF WRITERS/ARTISTS Joey Baer Matthew Linsky Julia Basnage Isobel Shaffer Mimi Evans Jaysen Zhang LAYOUT TEAM Chen Chen Augusta Owens Maddy Warrell CONTRIBUTORS Elizabeth Bailey Will Barker Jesse Braun Chen Chen Julia Cobb Amelia Fay Payton Geller Garrison Grogan Jenny Han Nicole Kohut Milan Kende Loewer Owen Long Jonathan McClement

Nikhil Mehta Matthew Nola Augusta Owens Greta Parr Amey Pasarkar Santiago Peuser Kate Della Pietra Wesley Schmidt Malia Simon Kate Steiner Max Waldroop Maddy Warrell Rachel Zhang

A Dispatch from the Feditors Dear Victims, Welcome to another glorious era of the Fed. This year has brought many exciting changes: a new team of fearless leaders, a new group of fresh souls to corrupt, and an end to the days when we posted articles about horny cave bats (although we’re still keeping an eye out for other lascivious campus animals).

Nevertheless, other aspects of our organization have stayed blissfully the same.

We still use humor to avoid dealing with our crippling personal problems, we still have a strikingly low amount of foreskin, and we still exclusively drink Voda.

After the painful summer drought of Fed print issues (we know you missed us), we’re back with some poignant commentary on CPS, gentrification, and entangled ballsacks. We recommend you finish this letter, reevaluate your priorities, and do something else besides subject yourself to the content of this paper.

If you decide to ignore our advice and keep reading, we hope you’ve prepared your body.

Peace, love, and we apologize in advance, Ben and Ani The Feditors-in-Chief

TABLE OF CONTENTS PAGE 3: GI's and STD's.

PAGE 4: Mental health and other myths.

PAGE 5: Getting drunk and giving up..

PAGE 6: Mo' schoolin' mo' problems.

PAGE 7: Fucking FIFA. PAGE 8-9: ???

PAGE 10: Eurocentric geometry.

PAGE 11: The oldest profession.

PAGE 12: Lee Bollinger gets down and dirty.

PAGE 13: Someone forward this to the Supreme Court.

PAGE 14: Old addicts and young communists.

PAGE 15: The best formal wear? Nudity.

Cover Artwork by Jesse Braun

IT STINGS A LITTLE

Insider Health Hack: EC Mold Can Cure Your Gonorrhea

By ALEX HORN

Travelling Penicillin Salesman

When mold was first discovered in the townhouses of East Campus, unreliable news sources like the Columbia Daily Spectator were quick to dismiss it as “hazardous” and “a threat to student health.” Little did they know how wrong they were.

A recent study from the Journal of Public Healthiness has shown that EC mold naturally secretes an antibiotic that “eats through drug-resistant gonorrhea faster than a coke addiction eats through money.”

“At first, I thought the mold sucked, ‘cause it totally ruined my Scarface poster,” said Jack Durst, CC `19, resident of one of the affected townhouses. “But one night while I was blackout, I tripped right into it, and the next day my gonorrhea was completely gone.

Which is pretty impressive. Even the shot in the ass I got from Medical Services couldn’t handle it. That stuff ’s persistent.”

The Biology Department’s Professor Deborah Mowshowitz went on to confirm the mold’s antibacterial properties.

“I’ve been using this stuff non-stop, and let me tell you, my nether regions have never felt cleaner," explained the distinguished scientist. "I actually caught The Clap in EC in the first place, a few years back, but you know what they say: EC giveth gonorrhea, and EC mold taketh gonorrhea away.”

In addition to its medicinal uses, the mold has been found to have numerous recreational benefits, serving as both a marijuana replacement when smoked and an all-natural lubricant when applied vaginally.

“I started using the mold ‘down there’ to protect against STD’s, but honestly, it makes the whole process a lot smoother,” said Sarah Golden, CC ‘20. “It’s slick, it’s clean, and best of all, it’s free. Gotta get scrapin’!”

As with most trends, EC mold has also caught on

amongst the student body’s increasingly insufferable foodies. In an effort to gain leverage over Ferris in the increasingly intense dining hall wars, John Jay Dining Hall has started using the mold as a garnish on many of its classic dishes.

“The mold has a tangy umami flavor that really pairs well with some fan favorite dishes, from dried mystery meat to overcooked veggie burgers,” said renowned John Jay culinary artist, Chef Mike. “We were going to start offering it on JJ’s Garbage Plate, but ends up the mold’s been in JJ’s food for years anyway!”

In recognition of the mold’s many amazing properties, the Housing Office has already made plans to spread it to as many dorms as possible. President Bollinger, meanwhile, seeking to maximize the mold’s profit potential, has taken things one step further, purchasing a large plot in historic South Harlem to be demolished and turned into an organic mold farm.

GS Student in Seminar Better Have Killed A Man to be This Confident

By THE FEDITORIAL BOARD

Impressed Yet Concerned SIPA BUILDING -- Following student feedback from the first weeks of class, Columbia College Student Council voted unanimously that Aaron Rappaport, GS ‘22, displayed the kind of confidence in his Intro to Shakespeare seminar that could only come from having killed a man in the heat of combat.

“When I saw the skull tattoo on Aaron’s massive forearm on the first day of class,” said classmate Mary Hubbell, BC ‘19, “I knew two things. One; he was gonna talk, a lot. Two; he had watched the spark of life leave a man’s eyes on the battlefield.”

Rappaport, 35, who claims to have been honorably discharged from the U.S. Marine Corps, first gained attention with his response to the professor’s softball

question “What does theatre mean to you?” Despite having never seen a play, Rappaport spent the next 5 minutes talking about that one time Larry the Cable Guy performed for his platoon.

“From day one Aaron made it clear he was not the kind of guy who second guesses himself,” said classmate Timothy Warburg, CC’19. “And from the way he interrupted the professor repeatedly, I could tell that he had, on multiple occasions, slipped a knife into another man’s neck without remorse.”

“He may even have killed a civilian or two,” added Warburg.

Other students in the class voiced similar impressions of Rappaport.

“I’m usually pretty talkative in a small lecture like that,” said Rachel Smithson BC’21, “but his wartime

confidence makes it really hard to get a word in, so I just sit and hope he doesn’t snap at a truck going by.”

Students were shocked when, during a 5-minute bathroom break, Rappaport allegedly pulled out his vape pen and began to use it in the middle of the classroom.

“Only somebody who’s called in an airstrike on a small village would have the balls to do that,” said Smithson.

A Federalist reporter interviewed other MilVet students from GS and discovered that none were familiar with Rappoport, his platoon, or his years of service.

“It could be that he never served and has never seen combat,” said Columbia MilVets Director of Communications Andrew Plácido, GS’21. “He’s probably just an asshole.”

COLUMBIA GRAD SCHOOL "We know you still have money left."

PHONE: 212-854-3808 Semper FEDelis.

BROADWAY BLUES

FIJI INDUCTS BRETT KAVANAUGH AS HONORARY BROTHER

By THE FEDITORIAL BOARD And we just got Gorsurch

On Friday, the brothers of the Phi Gamma Delta’s (Fiji) Omega chapter voted in tandem with the National Chapter to induct U.S. Supreme Court justice nominee Brett Kavanaugh as an honorary brother.

“Our brotherhood, or bhood, as we like to call it, stands for excellence among young men, a value exemplified by Mr. Kavanaugh’s record,” said Fiji President Brad Saintclair. “He really embodies our motto: Friendship… the sweetest influence.”

Alumni Chair Frederick Clements II followed up in an official release, stating: “It just made sense. Brett’s pretty old, but at the end of the day, he’s just one of the boys. We received several petitions for this measure from esteemed former brothers.”

Kavanaugh will join the ranks of distinguished brothers, including Vice President Mike Pence, Donald Trump Jr., Columbia alumnus and mediocre theater namesake Roone Arledge, and current Supreme Court Justice and Federalist founder Neil Gorsuch.

Brothers honored the Ninth Circuit judge by painting the fire hydrant on Broadway and 114th purple and “inviting” him to the Omega Chapter’s yearly “pig” “roast” to be held at their

“permanent residence,” which is located on the second floor of The Heights.

Kavanaugh’s spokesman and former beloved TV sitcom star Bill Cosby said in a statement: “Judge Kavanaugh is delighted to receive this honor from a distinguished organization that stands for traditional family values. For anyone who was in doubt, this s h o u l d clarify his record of outstanding conduct and respect for the ladies [sic].”

“I felt really welcome in this community,” stated Kavanaugh. “It reminds me of my days as a young man about town. The times have changed a bit, sure, but I can still hold my own with the ladies [sic]. And those Gamma Phi gals are pretty cute, too. They sure know how to knock back a frozen marg’. And their IDs say they’re actually all 23 — can you believe it?”

The brothers of Omega Chapter are also exploring the possibility of inducting former Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore and conservative activist and Kavanaugh’s childhood friend Mark Judge, author of Wasted: Tales of a Gen-X Drunk.

CPS Replaces Counselors With 24-Hour Loop of “Mamma Mia!”

By THE FEDITORIAL BOARD We Love Meryl Association to all-day screenings of Mamma warding?” CPS medical director LERNER CINEMA -- In re- Mia! Here we Go Again!”

Melanie Jacoby said. “This was cent weeks, prompted by stuThe recent changes have been never intended as a permanent dent dissatisfaction with campus extremely popular with the stu- service. We’ve tried recommendmental health services, CPS has dent body. “This is a fantastic ing that students wean off ABBA unrolled major policy changes shift in policy,” said Darla Elden and towards a more stable life and replaced its existing counsel- CC ’20. “I’ve wasted hours of my after six full viewings of the film, ing system with a 24-hour loop life trying to get an appointment but when I suggested this to one of Mamma Mia! connected to its at CPS and am ecstatic they’ve student, she screamed ‘WHY phone line.

ARE YOU TAKING CPS associate director Sara "THERE'S TRULY NO PROBLEM THE BEST THING IN Bergman released a statement exMY LIFE AWAY FROM THE SWEET plaining the reform: ME?’” “For some reason, students MELODIES OF GIMME! GIMME! Despite positive feedseemed dissatisfied with our back from students, GIMME! CAN'T FIX" nonexistent appointment times, many recently-fired CPS - Darla Elden CC '20 emotionally unavailable staff, and counselors are upset by imposing bureaucratic system,” the changes.

Bergman wrote in the statement. replaced their mediocre counsel“I have a PhD from Yale in psy“We have no idea why this might ing services with this. I’ve battled chology, and now I’m auditioning be, but we launched a comprehen- with my mental health during for an amateur production of sive evaluation of our counseling my time at Columbia, but there’s Mamma Mia in Cleveland, Ohio,” staff to pretend we’re listening to truly no problem the sweet melo- one previous therapist said. She student concerns. After review- dies of Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! could later be heard screaming ing the results, we decided the can’t fix.” at a cat in the street about how most effective reform would be to The remaining staff of CPS are Amanda Seyfried ruined her life. fire all of our counselors and re- excited by, though wary of, this In light of the success of this place them with a 24-hour loop of positive reception. initiative, CPS reportedly plans Mamma Mia! We’ll also give stu“Who knew helping students to open a new helpline playing a dents with more serious mental make positive changes to their constant loop of Beyoncé classics. health concerns exclusive access mental health could be so re-

CLASSIC OBAMACARE

CHUG, CHUG, CHUG

Beta introduces popular new health craze to campus: jungle juice cleansing

By JULIA SCHREDER Ever clear-headed COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY–On Friday, the president of Columbia’s most mediocre fraternity Beta Theta Pi, John Evanston (CC ‘19), announced that he and his brothers had developed the hottest new way to stay healthy at a stress heavy school: jungle juice cleanses.

“The chemicals in this particular cleanse will really make you forget that you were ever stressed,” Evanston stated in a press release. “We want to promote a healthy work/social life balance at Columbia, and we believe that our product will do just that.”

Evanston also contends that the cleanse will also help people to lose weight: “You’ll throw up a lot. But that’s totally normal, and in fact it’s exactly what we were going for with this particular product. You might also experience some headaches, vision impairment, or even memory loss. That’s how

you know it’s working–don’t worry, no one’s died yet.”

We here at the Fed are committed to recommending only the finest products to our readers, so we felt compelled to ask: what exactly are these chemicals that are so beneficial for your health?

“Jungle, and juice,” explained Evanston. “I can’t really be more specific than that. Well, okay, it’s a lot of KoolAid, if I’m being honest.”

Well, that’s good enough for us!

The brothers of Beta will begin beta testing of their new product at their next small informal gathering. But they are also looking to expand their product to new markets. “People are just so stressed out here. I’d love to get some pre-med students to try this stuff out.

Or better yet, SEAS students.”

So, for the small price of a night that you will regret, you too can get in on the ground floor of this hot new product that is sure to fly off the shelves.

PERSONAL AD 72 Year-Old College President Seeks Graduate Student With Very Short Memory

Art by Jaysen Zhang

Report: This Freshman Has Had Enough

By JULIAN PECHT

European tradition. I’d much rather independently FED up with this BS study more global works,” he proposed, even though he knew exactly what was in the Core before applying Though still early in the semester, news is surfacing to Columbia. “All I was hoping to get from Columthat the Blake Herman, CC ‘22, has sated his desire for bia was the free nosebleed ticket to a Yankees game college and is now ready to move on with his life. “Lis- and a world class education, and I think it’s fair to say ten,” he said with a visible shudder, “I don’t wanna be I’ve now got both.” Anonymous sources reported that like one of those people who peaked in high school… Herman showed up to Lit Hum having only read half but in college.” By all reports, Herman was the cool- of the Iliad’s first book. est person in his NSOP group, excluding that inter“Blake was telling me he doesn’t think there’s much national student who came left for him to learn any"YOU KNOW, I HAD TWO OF up with the hilarious “dick more, and I kind of agree fountain” joke for the first with him,” said William MY CLASSES TODAY, LIT HUM time. But by his account, Lewis, a fellow freshman AND INTRODUCTION TO Herman has already risen to and friend from high school the peak of community and MICROECONOMICS, AND I PRETTY lacrosse. “If anyone seems intellectual culture here at ready to join the world and Columbia and can socially MUCH SAW WHERE IT'S GOING," become a partner at his faclimb no further. ther’s investment banking - Blake Herman Herman, an occupant of firm, it’s totally Blake.” Our John Jay 8 previously hailing from Darien, CT, appar- eyes in the field tell us that Herman was spotted at the ently feels like he has acquired all the necessary skills recent Barnard Opportunities Fair, hobnobbing with and knowledge Columbia can provide. “You know, I two of Goldman Sachs’ juvenile recruitment staff. had two of my classes today, Lit Hum and IntroducHerman is reportedly looking for an apartment tion to Microeconomics, and I pretty much see where downtown, so he can be close to Wall Street. “I don’t it’s going,” he told the Fed. “And honestly, I really dis- think I’ll miss this place,” he boasted, “but damn if I like the way that the Core focuses on the Western didn’t have a good time.”

I THINK I CLEANSED TOO MUCH

SHAMELESS OPTIMISM

“This Is Gonna Be My Year,” Says Person Who Is Wrong

By JULIAN PECHT Still misses 2013 On Sunday, Steve Zuckler, CC ’20, made his annual bold prediction: “You know what, guys? This is gonna be my year.”

Unfortunately, investigative journalists at the Federalist have determined that this will not, in fact, be Zuckler’s year.

Evidence for another poor annual performance for Zuckler includes the presence of multiple finished bags of Kirkland potato chips under his bed, a lack of clean underwear for the past two weeks, and a grape jolly rancher stuck to his buttocks. As of the time of

publication, Zuckler also has 12 missed calls from his CPS counselor.

In reality, just as last year and the year before, the 2018-2019 school year will not be coming up Steve at all. In fact, Steve should expect a bad case of mono in November and a particularly soul-crushing heartbreak in February.

He will also be transferring from CC to SEAS toward the end of the semester after switching majors from literature to mechanical engineering to finally financial engineering.

“The stars have aligned for an epic constellation of S-T-E-V,” said Zuckler, who momentarily forgot how to spell his own first name.

In preparation for the Year of Steve

(YOS), he has been joining dozens of club listservs and planning a consistent laundry schedule for the upcoming months.

“I’ve been hitting the gym, putting myself out there socially, and overall trying to be a better-rounded person,” said the man who within three months will be sitting alone in a dark room, masturbating with Vaseline and eating Marshmallow Fluff, and vice versa.

“I could not be prouder of my little Robert…,” Diana Zuckler, mother of Steve and his two brothers, said. “Oh wait, you mean Stevie? Oh, yeah, he’s a good kid. The world needs some followers.”

Scrawny Sophomore Decides to Gain Freshman Fifteen

By LUIS VERA

Busy bulking up On Monday morning, SEAS sophomore and local scarecrow lookalike Michael Stein decided to finally gain his freshman 15, after what his grandmother described as “his frankly disrespectful scrawniness.”

In an exclusive interview with Aniela Fink, Stein’s bubbe, reporters for the Federalist confirmed that her grandson was a “... no good, stork-like parody of his older brother, Mark.”

“He is puny boy—very weak. He doesn’t eat good like his brother. His brother is strong like ox, has many girlfriend and also job. He wears big boy suit and and makes money while Michael sits around playing the massive multiplayer online first-person shooter games,” the windblown Bubbe told Federalist reporters.

“You should have seen his grandfather. He was the number one strongman back in Lvov.”

Reportedly, Michael has been taking his grandmother’s advice to heart.

In true SEAS fashion, however, Stein was not content with merely gaining 15 pounds of comfortable fat, nor with following conventional strength training regimens. He was seen loading boxes of Soylent into his Furnald single u n d e r the supervision of a mysterious trenchcoated, ambiguously Eastern European man.

“I just feel like people have really been brute-forcing the issue of build-

ing muscle mass,” explained the bony, puncture-hazard of a boy. “I’m speeding up the gains trains. No stops on

Art by Jaysen Zhang this train. I’m unstoppable. The gains train makes no stops. I’ll show them all. Especially my stupid brother,

STAY RIPPED

Are you boring? dull? desperate?

Try podcasts!

Guranteed to provide a just-passable topic of conversation.

Mark."

Stein proceeded to show reporters the anabolic steroids he’d recently imported from a country he did not appear able to place on a map, although the mysterious man claimed to be from Denver.

Stein assured reporters that the drugs were perfectly safe, and that he “honestly doesn’t care if [his] balls shrink to half their size—they were always too big anyway.”

Stein estimates that, following his new injection plan and doing 50 push-ups a week, he should be “suitably shredded” to depose his older brother, Mark..

As of press time, Michael was reportedly seen in JJ’s breaking the lever off of a frozen yogurt machine and screaming, “I’ll get you, Mark.”

Any student wishing to follow Stein's inspiring regimen should first consult with a licensed medical professional. . . .Nah, who are we kidding?

Go get ripped.

WHY WORKOUT THOUGH?

Columbia Introduces New Physical Ed. Requirements

By SAM MILLNER

Still Avoiding Dodge Columbia’s Department of Physical Education has unveiled several new physical education courses this semester. In a late August email blast from Department affiliate Sarah M. Negrette, it was announced that the University was trying to be more accommodating of student needs vis-à-vis the physical education requirement.

“We are excited to be offering students new courses that we are pioneering to be better related to the rest of the academic experience here. That is, we recognize that most people only take the classes since they have to, so we’ve decided to meet them halfway with some classes that relate to their everyday lives, like Physical Ed: Sleeping In. We know students are already staying up all night at Amity Hall every Wednesday and then sleeping through three classes the next day, so we might as well give them credit for it.”

Mrs. Negrette’s email outlined several more of these “experimental” courses, which students were

able to switch into starting last week.

1. Physical Ed: Mozzarella Sticks NOTE: Students on waitlist will not receive marinara at first class

8.Physical Ed: Take a class on Hamilton 6 Elevator-use strictly prohibited

2. Physical Ed: Car Wash (Must have Federal Work-Study)

9. Physical Ed: Drunk-Walking Down Stairs (priority given to Carman residents)

Section 1: Dean Valentini’s BMW (MUST HAVE FEDERAL WORK-STUDY) Section 2: President Bollinger’s Range Rover 3. Physical Ed: Cardio for Smokers Class will meet twice a week outside Butler to walk slowly to Riverside 6. Physical Ed: Reducing Adderall Tweak The Adderall is not included.

10. Physical Ed:Where’s the Gym? This course will meet once the entire semester. We will show you where the gym is. Waitlist MUST attend first class.

The Department also confirmed that, in the spirit of these reforms, they would be open to replacing the Swim Test requirement with proof of having attended a single Columbia football game.

7. Physical Ed: Nutrition and Weight Loss — Cold Brew as Laxative

Gulati Disentangles Ballsack on the Go Using Invisible Hand showing me how concepts in the classroom affect your day-to-day life.”

Long, long, long.

Gulati denies responsibility for the AMSTERDAM -- Principles of Eco- testicle repositioning, insisting the nomics professor Sunil Gulati, 59, was genital adjustment was performed by seen this morning utilizing the invis- powers outside of his control. ible hand of the free market to disen“The Hand was simply adjusting my tangle his uncomfortably-positioned ballsack to a distribution beneficial to testicles. all individual members of the commuAfter bystander Andrew Colon ’20 nity,” Gulati explained. “It is in all of witnessed Gulati “moving awkwardly our best interests that my balls do not from side to side, like a cowboy,” he chafe, but I do not control the Hand. noticed a “clear and distinct hand-like I repeat, I do not control the Hand. bulge going to town down there,” de- Individuals do not control the Hand. spite Gulati’s own two hands remaining How many times do I have to fucking clearly visible. explain the Hand to you people?”

“All this time I thought the invisible Sources close to Gulati report that hand was just a visual metaphor for the despite his claims, Gulati has been usunintended social benefits of an indi- ing the Hand for years to scratch diffividual’s self-interested actions,” Colon cult-to-reach locations on his back and said. “It turns out that it’s so much tap on people’s shoulders from afar. more. I’m glad that Columbia is really

By OWEN LONG

THE GOOD KIND OF FAT

I SPY, WITH MY LITTLE EYE, A CO

WALDO?

ONTRADICTION OF A CAMPUS

Graphic by Kate Steiner

NAH, FUCK WALDO.

FUCK YOUR OPINIONS

Op-Ed: Columbia Math Classes Completely Neglect to Discuss Eastern Culture

By MALIA SIMON

Bringer of Justice

The instant we overcome our veneration for elite institutions is the instant we are shown insight into their corrupt secrets.

Columbia University, popularly known as “The Best School in The Best City in the Best Country in the Best World,” prides itself for promising its students unconditional acknowledgement of their identities, even if it means sacrificing money that was going to be put towards construction on a random building. Indeed, Columbia’s own website readsAs quoted by Columbia’s Undergraduate Website: “We pride ourselves for promising our students unconditional acknowledgement of their identities, even if it means sacrificing money that was going to be put towards construction on a random building.”

During the first week of school in a program often called “NSOP”, Columbia attempted to fulfill this promise by holding Under1Roof Workshops. Granted, as I wrote down my Identity on that post-it and stuck it on the wall and then told everyone it was mine in case they didn’t see me put it on there, I felt liberated. As I told the group about my unique story, they nodded at me the entire time, and I thought: “I am validated.”

However, it didn’t take long for this surreal moment to fade. As we know, acknowledging identities is more than a workshop. It requires constant work and initiative for an identity to be acknowledged, and, contrary to popular belief, simply acknowledging an identity doesn’t mean you’ve acknowledged it. Columbia is arrogant enough to believe that we are now acknowledged just because they’ve acknowledged us.

Here is my story of how they’ve neglected to continue the fight: As a Film/ Dance double -major, I typically don’t have the desire or time to enroll in math courses.

However, due to the demanding imperative system commonly known as the “Core Curriculum,” I found myself seated in the deep mahogany chair of a calculus class, just one in a swell of other students whose individual stories nobody was discussing at the moment. I carefully acknowledged the identity of my peers despite the pressure of collectivism that was demanding I didn’t. I acknowledged to myself that most of them were Asian, and I nodded at a few of them so they felt seen.

Even the frigid environment of the room couldn’t have led me to predict what happened next. As the course began and the professor introduced us to integrals, he forgot to mention any element of Eastern

Culture. As someone who identifies as an Eastern Person, I felt glued to my mahogany seat, glued to a system which was built against me. I am not from the East, nor are my ancestors, which makes my identity as such that much more unique. But at that moment, crammed into that 300-person lecture hall, I was just another student.

I glanced around me, my head darting to and fro like a rabbit in a carrot garden. My eastern peers were robotically taking notes and copying the poorlydrawn random “S” symbol the teacher had written on the board. Every person in that room was too terrorized to speak up, paralyzed by the lack of acknowledgement. My head spun and my palms sweat, and I glanced around me some more. I quickly drew a Chinese character at the top of my paper. That was just the first step.

This is the next one. I’m speaking for all of us. This statement is to Columbia and to the rest of my peers who are made to feel invisible in class. We don’t have to stand for the systematic oppression of mathematics as long as we are students with a voice. As quoted

by Sappho, who is a Lesbian, in my personal favorite fragment: “If not, winter.”

An Open Letter to My Friend: I Would Be More Interested In Your Problems If They Were Funnier

By THE FEDITORIAL BOARD

Future leaders of the world Dear friend, I care about you. I care when you aren’t feeling your best. Remember that time we shared a bag of ’mallows before your econ final? That was real caring; that was real friendship. But lately, there’s been this disconnect between us, and I just need to get this off my chest. The other day, when you told me your parrot has the bird flu? Bro, the story was so boring, I just couldn’t care. Your problems used to have such… pizzazz. But recently, I’ve barely had to stifle a laugh as you bare your soul to me.

For instance, I was trying to listen when you talked to me about your grandmother’s tragic passing from pneumonia, but quite frankly, it just didn’t draw me in. It lacked the fundamental sense of drama and suspense I seek in a story. If your grandmother died from falling off a jet ski, or got run over by a mail truck , or got trampled at a rave, though, I’d be into it.

Hit me up if you hear news of bingo league intrigue, or spontaneous combustion, or a heart attack during sex with Keith Richards. Now THOSE are problems worth my time.

There was also the time you talked about how

IF YOUR GRANDMOTHER DIED FROM FALLING OFF A JET SKI. . . I'D BE INTO IT. you’re failing all your classes and I almost fell asleep.

Honestly, join the fucking club, I haven’t gotten a passing grade in seven months. Don’t complain about failing your midterm, talk to me when you shit yourself during a midterm. Making a complete fool of yourself in a public space is the way to get your friend’s attention, , not all this depressing shit you’ve been bringing me. It’s been a real downer.

CALL YOUR GRANDMA

And you know what? Honestly, it’s just rude. How dare you be so selfish as to bother me with these unimportant ramblings? I can’t believe you have the audacity to interrupt my Minecraft sesh to talk to me about your sick Labrador Retriever. I don’t want to hear it! Like yeah, that’s sad, boo-hoo, I’m sorry and all that, but… come on, man.

You need an outlet for this trash, and it’s not gonna be me. Buy a diary, cry into a stuffed animal, talk to some middle-aged men on Omegle. Write Spec opeds for all I care, they’ll publish anything. It’s not that I don’t care about you, bro, but don’t come to me with that weak shit. I’ll always be here to listen to your problems, but if you want me to actually care, try making them funnier.

Sincerely, Your concerned but disinterested friend

CAMPUS ROMANTICS

Freshman Thought He'd Be Having More Sex By Now

By W. REED SIMMONS Non-Virgin CARMAN HALL -- Brandon Jameson CC ‘22 has recently been spotted traipsing around campus looking sullen. “Brandon has been a little down these days, and it’s obviously because he’s not getting laid,” claimed his roommate Yefim Bulkowski CC ‘22. “I’ve been laying pipe all over this campus and I think it’s messing with his mind.

Though they confirmed that Brandon is definitely not getting any action, after a cursory look at Bulkowski, Federalist reporters quickly debunked his claim about his own sexual prowess.

“I just thought that it would be different here, you know?” said Jameson, who was found sitting forlornly on Low Steps, admiring the great philosophers adorning Butler, who definitely got

laid.

“I know I’m not like Bradley Cooper hot, but I don’t think I’m a hideous beast either.. I assumed that things here would be different from things at Milwaukee High School. I thought smart Ivy Leaguers might actually value my clever ideas and intellectual personality but alas, they’re even more shallow than back home. I thought I was really hitting it off with this girl at Mel’s, but she totally ditched me for some thickskulled wrestler. And she was a Barnard girl!”

“Students come here with so many expectations that it’s difficult for them to avoid disappointment,” mused Peter Stallone, an advisor at the student life department.

“Our studies have shown that over

84% of freshman boys assume they will walk right into a vagina their first night on campus, even if they are wearing

“Brandon is just one of those guys, the ones that aren’t mean or particularly unattractive or bad or anything, but also just don’t really get any attention,” claimed Jasmine Landsfield SEAS’ 22. “Wait, who are we talking about again?”

Jameson has been searching for even an awkward, fumbling encounter wherever he can. “I’ve been to nearly every club meeting, but I’m about to throw in the towel and go to the BDSM club.” Representatives from the BDSM club have made it known to both the Federalist and Jameson that he is not welcome.

"OUR STUDIES HAVE SHOWN THAT OVER 84% OF FRESHMAN BOYS ASSUME THAT THEY WILL WALK RIGHT INTO A VAGINA THEIR FIRST NIGHT ON CAMPUS" Crocs and socks. And these expectations quickly crumble when faced with the harsh reality of sexual attraction.”

Future Promoter Recognizes His Calling After Signing LIKE TENNIS? Girls into East Campus

By GUSTIE OWENS Still in line A week into the semester, Jared Chase CC ‘19 was returning to his dorm at about 11:45 PM on a Thursday to find a mob of black-tube-top-mom-jean-clad Barnard girls lining up in the EC entryway like lemmings. Mr. Chase, a self-proclaimed male feminist, recognized patriarchal injustice when he saw it. He approached two Barnard women, draped an arm around each of them, and guided them toward the sign-in desk.

“It was a rush,” Chase remarked about his first sign-in experience. “My blood was really pumping as I shepherded them through the EC turnstile. I remember watching them prance toward the elevator, ready to chug six Voda shots and pass out behind a kitchen counter, and thinking, ‘I made this happen.’ And then thinking, ‘How can I have this feeling everyday without tons of cocaine?’”

Soon, Chase began lurking in the EC lobby every weekend to sign Barnard girls in, attracting large crowds of swipe-hungry women. Many eyewitnesses report seeing Mr. Chase hovering on the fringes

of the crowd, wearing tight black jeans and a disturbingly low V-neck and holding his ID card at the ready.

“I have such little consistency in my life,” Veronica Spencer SEAS ‘19 said.

“But at least I know that if I come back late from Butler on a Thursday, Jared will be outside of EC, waiting to make intense eye contact with me and then look away quickly.”

“I had genuine power,” said Chase, leaning against the EC staircase and letting out a cloud of Juul vapor. “It wasn’t long before I saw that I could use my talents to make a better gender ratio for parties in my suite. And after weeks of exploiting my Columbia ID to lure women into my acapella group’s bangers, I realized I’d found a genuine life passion.”

Soon, Chase was spending his Saturdays begging his female friends to “put on something tight and come to Marquee” and pleading with his suitemates to buy a table. He even changed his major from English literature to Econ. “I gotta learn how to manage all the fat stacks I’ll be making,” Chase said. When asked how much money he’d made so far, he declined to comment, but his suitemate mouthed “zero dollars” from behind his back.

NO? TRY PING-PONG!

"It's like tennis, only smaller"

AT LEAST HE HAS A CAREER PATH

BACK TO GET SCHOOLED

COLUMBIA

JEWISH

ATHLETIC

President Bollinger Gentrifies SOCIETY Wife’s Side of the Bed

By THE FEDITORIAL BOARD Unrepentant Spooners PRESIDENT’S MANSION -- Following Columbia’s recent expansion into West Harlem, reports came in earlier this week that University President Lee C. Bollinger has expanded the University’s reach to his wife’s side of their shared California King bed.

Bollinger began scooching closer and closer to his wife’s’ side of the bed over the past few months.

However, in recent days, expansion has accelerated, leaving Bollinger’s wife displaced from the bed.

When she requested to switch to his half of the bed, Bollinger replied that she could not, “for the good of the community.” Instead, he proposed that she “sleep on the couch, or buy a Craigslist futon.”

“Their room used to be so vibrant,” Bollinger’s housekeeper Francine said. “There used to be a clear agreement about whose space was whose,

and that agreement allowed everyone to thrive. But since Bollinger decided to expand his reach, the room has lost that authentic character it once had.”

After Bollinger received word of his wife’s grievances, he released the following statement through the University Press Office regarding the expansion: “This side of the bed, MY side, will provide innovative spaces for teaching, pioneering research, artistic expression and the shared human experiences of a great bedroom defined by openness and diversity.

As University President, I require ample space for Columbia’s mission to grow, and for me to spread out at night and read the Audi owner’s manual.”

His wife could not be reached for comment by the Federalist, as she was speaking at a Community Action event.Johnson declined to elaborate on some of the other experiences he’s had with his instructors, saying that he was late to a “special study session” with his ArtHum professor.

COME JOIN ME! *MOST SPORTS ONLY TAKE TWO PEOPLE ANYWAY.

REPORT: Prezbo Definitely Still Fucks

By HARRISON GALE Under-Covers Reporter LOW LIBRARY - Students from around the world come to Columbia in order to quench their thirst for knowledge, but there’s one burning question that most have yet to find a definitive answer to: Is Lee Bollinger, president of Columbia University, still sexually active? The Federalist set out to find out the answer to this elusive question once and for all, and after weeks of thorough investigative reporting, our team can say that, whether you like it or not, Prezbo definitely still fucks.

A week spent tailing Bollinger through a series of costume changes and close encounters with his security guard made it clear to our reporters

that Columbia’s 19th president, now 72, still maintains his virility. Though Bollinger’s age might be assumed by some to be a hindrance, The Federalist determined that its effects are mitigated by diligent and consistent work on his Core.

Bollinger’s wife, Jean Magnano Bollinger, attested to his sexual magnetism: “Of course I love him for his brain, but I’ll admit his luscious, flaxen hair and pasty, slightly under-moisturized skin are just irresistible. What can I say, I’m a lucky woman!”

Legends of Bollinger’s sexual prowess also circulate among the world’s top leaders and thinkers. Richard N. Haass, president of the Council on Foreign Relations and friend of Bollinger, also remarked that, “Lee just ra-

diates that ‘I still have sex at least once every two months kind of energy; you can feel it in any room he walks into.

Hell, I’ll be frank with you–he can eminent domain my Manhattanville any day of the week.”

“OF COURSE I LOVE HIM FOR HIS BRAIN, BUT I'LL ADMIT HIS LUSCIOUS FLAXEN HAIR AND PASTY, SLIGHTLY UNDERMOISTURED SKIN ARE JUST IRRESISTABLE. WHAT CAN I SAY, I'M A LUCKY WOMAN!” - Jean Magnano Bollinger

WHO CAN CATCH HIM IN THE ACT?

However, not all are thrilled by Bollinger’s sporadic coitus. Several students in Wien Hall have claimed that Bollinger’s erotic rollicking, or “Prezboning,” late into the night has deprived them of precious hours of sleep.

“It just last for hours,” says Gillian Lawson CC’21, who has the deep misfortune of staring directly at the President’s mansion from her Wien single.

“The man’s an athlete. It’s as impressive as it is deeply unsettling. I even tried calling the RA on duty to enforce quiet hours. No luck so far.”

Despite doubters and detractors, the fact of the matter is that Prezbo definitely still fucks. As of press time, Bollinger had just been named to The Economist’s “America’s Top 10 UBILFs” (Union Busters I’d Like to Fuck).

From an Upper East Sider: To the Only Upper West Side Boy I’ve Loved Before

STAY WOKE, PASS OUT, ETC.

Columbia Inter-Fraternity Council Releases New List of Feminist Drinking Games

By MIMI EVANS

Definitely Related to Sharpay

By NICK RIBOLLA

PRESS - FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Riiibollaaaaa

Dear Upper West Side Boy, Obviously, you are not just an Upper West Sider. But I need to acknowledge the differences between us, hard as it may be.

My mother used to tell me, you can’t trust Upper West Siders. They’re too close to Jersey.

How can you love a boy who lives on an avenue without a name? But that only made me want you, with all your otherworldly mystery, even more.

When we met in the Hamptons, it seemed so easy. The sparkle in your eye, the glint of your Rolex, I had never felt that way about somebody West of Central Park before.

I admitted to my girlfriends that I was dating a boy from the wrong side of the B/C tracks. They warned me that you only liked me because I was different and “new,” the Juliet to your Romeo. But if a Montague can love a Capulet, we could overcome the halfmile ride across the park.

When we got back to Manhattan, I started to see it could never work out.

You like aerial yoga. I like hot yoga. You went to Choate and I went to St. Pauls.

You did polo in high school. I did equestrianism.

You like matcha. I like kombucha.

You’re doing investment banking. I’m going into consulting.

You shop at Zabars. I shop at Eli Zabars.

You showed me the chicken at Jacob’s Pickles and I showed you my tits at the US Open. Try as I may, I’ll never be able to see past the roles society has carved out for us.

Although I pine for those nights when I snuck out the service elevator to meet you in the moonlight, laughing in each others’ arms, I need to come to my senses. We both do.

You’ll always be in my heart and LinkedIn network.

Sincerely, Upper East Sider

NEW YORK, October 8, 2018 – As a result of Brett Kavanaugh’s contentious confirmation to the Supreme Court, important conversations about binge-drinking and consent are happening all across our country. After careful consultation with members of our council, we have decided to continue ignoring the systemic and institutional issues that perpetuate fraternity rape culture. Instead, we’ve devised a series of new, female-empowering drinking games: Quarters: Players attempt to bounce quarters into a shot glass. If they miss, they give the quarter to the nearest woman until the wage gap is closed.

Never Have I Ever: Instead of using this game to boast about their sexual conquests, men are limited to feminist statements such as: Never Have I Ever forced a woman to drink more than she wanted to Never Have I Ever listened to Chris Brown post-2009 Never Have I Ever perjured myself to get on the Supreme Court Anyone who has done one of these things must either take a shot or donate to Planned Parenthood.

Beer Pong: May now only be played with Rosé.

Edward 40 Hands: All men present at the party tie a 40-oz. can of beer to both their hands. They do not need to drink from it (in fact, even if they finish drinking, they must keep the can taped on). This will keep their hands occupied for the entirety of the night.

The Devil’s Triangle: Although we’re not clear on the specifics, we have been informed by Yale that this IS a real game and is definitely all about treating women with dignity.

Flip Cup: After having a cup of “respect women juice” (rebranded jungle juice), team members must go out canvassing for their state’s pro-choice candidates. The winning player is the one who successfully flips the Senate.

These revised rules are effective immediately. We hope that these changes will help protect women, but most importantly, protect men from women with legitimate sexual assault allegations.

Party on!

Todd Bedford Greek Council President Pronouns: He, Him, His

THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS

NEVER TOO OLD FOR NICOTINE

JUUL Marketing Targets Senior Citizens

By AMELIA RAY

Mom, I dont juul On Friday, the widely popular vape company JUUL unveiled their new advertising campaign. This new campaign marks a major shift in the company’s marketing strategy and seeks to attract an entirely new base of customers.

Since the company’s founding in 2017, JUUL’s marketing has largely targeted young people. Past promotional posters were brightly colored and featured images of teenagers JUULing with their friends at parties, and popular pod flavors included crème brûlée, mango, and Gerber Organic 1st Foods®️

Apple.

JUUL’s new campaign, however, is directed at a drastically different audience: senior citizens. When asked at Friday’s press conference about the inspiration behind the new advertising strategy, JUUL CEO Tyler Goldman said, “It dawned on me one day that we had a completely untapped market with unparalleled potential. These old dumbasses grew up on cigarettes then spent half their life trying to quit; it’ll be so easy to get them addicted again.

I can’t wait to slowly deplete their life

DEPRESSED JUICERY Please don't come in.

I just. . . I just can't, today.

Now featuring boba!

savings and steal every social security check. That’s business!”

The new campaign features images of elderly people JUULing in wheelchairs, while playing bingo, and while feeding birds in the park. A new line of pods was also released, with flavors including cream of wheat, prune, and Grape Nuts.

To get an actual senior’s perspective, Federalist reporters interviewed Morningside Heights senior citizen Gertrude Reynolds. “It makes me feel young again,” she said while taking a long

ass hit from her JUUL, adorned with a JUUL skin of her late husband, Albert.

“It’s the perfect activity for my hoes and I, especially because my friend Patricia is in hospice care and there isn’t a lot we can do with her. Not only has JUULing brought us together again, but it has given me a sense of comradery with the youth of my neighborhood.”

Many Columbia students have recently spotted Gertrude in various campus bathrooms and overheard her plans to buy her granddaughter a JUUL for her ninth birthday.

OP-ED: Having to Go to My Classes Is Fascism

By HARRISON GALE

Read Summary of Karl Marx 20 Minutes Ago Friends, classmates, comrades - it has been clear to me since the moment I set foot on this pathetic campus that I would be in for a woebegone four years of struggling against the iron fist of higher education. As students we have been forced to go through the empty, heartless motions intended to break our spirits and shove us into the mold of conformist, well-adjusted citizens. It is time to draw and declare the unavoidable conclusion of being compelled to participate in a university-controlled schedule: having to go to my classes is pure, unadulterated fascism.

Ask yourself this, comrades: is it fair that your parents spend $70,000 per year to perpetuate this debauchery?

For too long the bourgeois registrar has had its boot on the neck of the genteel undergrad, mandating that students “attend their classes,” lest they “fail” them and run the “risk” of “delaying” their “graduation”.

So I say to you, fellow scholars, would we not then be enrolled in subjugation and forced servitude of the pursuit of knowledge? If we are made

to bear the weight of these burdensome chains under the pernicious guise of “educational instruction,” how are we expected to have time to lie in bed mindlessly scrolling through Instagram while our life withers away? Must we allow the punctual oppressor to dictate that sleeping at 4:00AM and rising 20 minutes before the end of a class is not a celebration of the noble tradition of the scholar? Such vulgar corruption is intolerable! Going to class is a waste of the virtuous labor any good pupil ought to be expending accumulating victory royales in Fortnite, to which the Labour Theory of Value most certainly applies.

Comrades in absenteeism, I confess I had a moment of weakness and almost went to class. Almost. Thankfully, I came across an honorable volunteer, who shoved a clipboard in my face to commit to fight this fascism. Had I not then skipped class to make that courageous stand against fascism, true praxis, I would have then been a fascist by extension! It is, my flaky fellows, yet another concrete example proving that having to go to class is indeed fascist in and of itself.

Shirkers of the world, hear me now!

It is time to plant the flag of victory in

WHAT WOULD CHE DO?

the soil of this feeble institution. It is class that has divided us, so it is class we shall not attend. We are but a peaceful people, though our swords of class-cutting stand at the ready. Follow the true path, comrades!

Do not let malevolent and venomous threats of “failing to graduate in four years, if at all” threaten our timehonored traditions of getting lost in Wikipedia holes for hours on end and ruining our circadian rhythms. We continue our struggle with showing up to our classes, and thus remain engaged in a class struggle whose only end must be in the toppling of the bourgeois taking of attendance! In the future, post-class society, we shall only audit.

Goof-offs and poor time managers across majors, UNITE in this honourable class struggle! Death to consistent attendance, or death under the heel of consistent attendance! We have nothing to lose but our degrees, and a ton of sleep to gain!

Viva la revolución de absenteeism!

GEOGRAPHICALLY UNDESIRABLE

REPORT:

Boarding School Graduate Unsure What To Do With All His Ties

By WILL BARKER

Fancy boy CARMAN--As he packed for Columbia, Chuck Hubbard CC ‘22 found himself in a critical dilemma.

“During my boarding school days, I wore a tie every day. Over the years, I assembled quite a formidable collection of ties. And now that I’m heading to Columbia, I fear this impressive wardrobe will go to waste.”

Chuck, or Charles William Hubbard IV as his parents casually refer to him during mealtimes, spent hours staring fondly at his tie rack before he packed, reminiscing about simpler times in the dining hall with his friends, preparing for his cricket matches and scorning the lower classes.

As he sniffed in the smell of the fabric, he was struck by a troubling revelation: What if Columbia students don’t wear ties? “Well,” he thought, "even if they wear only a sports coat to classes, I’m sure there will be plenty of opportunities at formals." However, he did decide to leave a number of his ties at home, packing only twenty-four.

During NSOP, he was seen spending most of his time in his sports coat.

However, the discomfited glasses from his fellow freshman soon became too much to bear.

Recent reports indicate that Hubbard has taken to wearing what he has heard called a groutfit around campus, though his roommate, Frank Lopez CC ‘22 told the Federalist that he has caught Hubbard with tears in his eyes as he wears one of his ties alone in the room during the evening.

“At first, I though, oh he’s into autoerotic asphyxiation, and I was cool with that—I mean, it caught me off guard but I’m not here to kink-shame. But then I realized what was really going on and I was absolutely disgusted.”

As of press time, Hubbard was seen lying on his bed face-down, uncontrollably sobbing into a pile of ties.

“NOW THAT I'M HEADING TO COLUMBIA, I FEAR THIS IMPRESSIVE WARDOBE WILL GO TO WASTE"

Freshman Who Wrote “Why Columbia” Essay About Diversity Wishes Harlem Wasn’t So Close

By ANONYMOUS

Take your best guess MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS--Jack Donahue CC ‘22 spent his summer counting down the days until his arrival on campus. Having written a heartfelt “Why Columbia” essay about his love of intellectual, cultural, and ethnic diversity, he often found himself revisiting the most glowing passages as he anxiously awaited his arrival.

However, when he arrived in the neighborhood, he was unpleasantly surprised when he walked a few blocks north. “I just didn’t realize that Harlem was so...close...to campus. I thought we might have more of a buffer zone between us and them,” said Donahue, who spent three out of his essay’s four paragraphs extolling the virtues of engaging with individuals from different walks of life.

“I’ve only been north of 124th Street once, and it was for a FIJI tailgate at the football field. And I’ve never gone east of Morningside Park because my mom

Sports Team You Didn't Know We Had Actually Doing Pretty Well

told me ‘those parts’ are dangerous for guys like me,” said Donahue.

“I don’t know, that neighborhood just doesn’t appeal to me. It just doesn’t have that sense of energy or culture I look for in the places I love,” added Donahue, who spends his weekends bouncing between Mel’s and HamDel. When asked what he’d prefer in the nearby area, Donahue said, “Hm, I’m not sure. Maybe a few more sports bars? Or an extension of the campus?”

Federalist reporters informed him that such an extension was currently underway in Manhattanville, to which he replied, “Sweet! Finally some buildings with character.”

As of press time, Donahue, whose essay discussed the importance of putting oneself in new, uncomfortable situations, was seen hyperventilating in his subway seat as he realized his train was skipping Columbia and going express to 137th street.

CHEESE!

By BEN MOST

Brooklyn Dodgers Fan With a record-breaking performance this season, the Columbia sports team you didn’t know we had is actually doing pretty well.

“I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and saw a Spec article about it or something,” Michael Fiera ’20 said.

“Obviously I didn’t read it, but I guess it’s cool. What was the sport again?

Foosball?”

The team members practiced several hours every day, often late into the night, in order to perform at such a high level this season.

“After months of a grueling practice schedule and strict dietary practices, it feels great to have such a big win,” team

member Jane Dirtclef ’19 said. “We really earned every win, and I can’t wait for the next game.”

However, many Columbia students are unaware of the team’s performance,.

“Jane told me she plays a sport or something,” Sam Yanker ’19, a friend of Dirtclef, said. “Not really sure what it was though. Maybe something in a pool? Anyway, good for the team.”

In honor of the team’s performance, they will have a celebratory meeting with the Assistant Director of Enrichment Services for Columbia Athletics, since other administrators were too busy to attend.

LET'S GO LIONS! I GUESS.

IT'S GOOD!

Comic by Julia Cobb