The Columbia Federalist October 2019 Issue

Volume XXXVIII • Issue 1 • October 2019

the FEDERALIST Columbia’s Only Newspaper That

FREE THE NIP

Op-ed: is this company hip enough for me to go braless?

Page 6

BIG GUNS?

Presidential Candidate Wants to Take All of the Guns to Create One, Much Bigger Gun Page 7

WET MY WHISTLE

10 reasons to support whistle blowing legislation Page 11

THE STAFF EDITORIAL BOARD Luis Vera and Alexander Horn Feditors-in-Chief Joseph Baer Managing Editor Annie Iezzi and Samuel Millner Head Submissions Editors ASSOCIATE BOARD Gustie Owens Layout Editor Matthew Nola Phillip Ruddy Amelia Fay Wesley Schmidt Submissions Editors Jaysen Zhang Graphics Editor Nikhil Mehta Online Editor Nurasyl Shókeyev Video Editor Julia Schreder European Bureau Chief Garrison Grogan Senior Correspondent Michelle Dandeneau Undertaker James McShane American Hero Benjamin Most and Ani Wilcenski Senior Editors 2

A Dispatch from the Feditors Dear Bloods, Crips, and Yang Gang members,

We at The Federalist are proud to debut our Halloween issue, the spookiest thing to strike this campus since that one time Deantini wore sandals. Actually, that one might be hard to beat. See, while this is technically our Halloween issue, much like your average Columbia lecture, we only vaguely touch on the topic at hand: if your Lit Hum prof can spend a whole class ranting about capitalism, surely you’ll allow us a paper straw joke (or three).

As the few trees in our concrete jungle lose their leaves, and the windchill finally removes any illusions we may have about going to school somewhere remotely livable, The Federalist wishes to remind all of you of the hidden value of attending this simultaneously Kafka-esque, Kafkaobsessed institution. No, it’s not the thousands of dollars of student loan debt: that’s just a bonus.

Simply — we are lucky to be here simply because we are here with each other: our community is our strength. That’s why, thanks to the scores of students and alumni who protested, the Marching Band’s funding has been reinstated. And that’s why, with the help of you, dear reader, we know we can fucking destroy Spec for trying to muscle into our satire market — you aren’t funny, guys, we promise.

Peace, love, fuck LeBron James, Alex and Luis The Feditors-In-Chief

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PAGE 3: MATH PAGE 4: Road trip games PAGE 5: cuffing season.

PAGE 6: you didn't post about Toni Morrison's death you racist PAGE 7: Butty-Judd PAGE 8-9: spooked PAGE 10: try to avoid doing blackface?

PAGE 11: feet pics?

PAGE 12: more articles about straws.

PAGE 13: piggybacking on that.

PAGE 14: I am not interested in your concert.

PAGE 15: War on Fun

Cover Artwork by Chloe Palucci

Volume XXXVIII Issue 1

I DATED BETO IN COLLEGE

BETO O’ROURKE School and Years Enrolled: CC, 1991–1995.

First Year Mistakes: Applied to Spec each semester and was denied every time.

Embarrassing Extracurricular: God, where do I start? Everybody knows that Beto played in a punk band and dated a Barnard girl, but did you know that he was a sadboi English major? He wrote an op-ed for Spec reviewing the Broadway musical The Will Rogers Follies. In it, he describes the female performers as “perma-smile actresses whose only qualifications seem to be their phenomenally large breasts and tight buttocks.”

Three Democratic Candidates Went to Columbia and All of Them Were Fucking Nerds

By Isabel O’Brien Fucking a nerd

Columbia boasts an impressive list of accomplished alumni. From the 44th president of the United States, to the notorious RBG, to Robert Kraft—yes, that Robert Kraft—our former students cover all aspects of the economy and the legal system. Soon enough, we may yet again have a Lion in the Chief Executive’s office. Of the twenty-three current candidates in the 2020 race for president, three of them are Columbia alumni. That’s right: Steve Bullock, Andrew Yang, and Beto O’Rourke all basked in Alma’s shadow and trekked up to the seventh floor of Hamilton at some point in their lives. Given that this is Columbia, each candidate is, of course, a Democrat—and a giant nerd.

ANDREW YANG School and Years Enrolled: Columbia Law School, 1996– 1999.

First Year Mistakes: Wore a shirt and tie to class a couple of times.

Embarrassing Extracurricular: Does selling out count as an extracurricular? Interview prepping for a position as a corporate lawyer at Davis Polk & Wardwell took up most of Yang’s time here.

Would his campaign hire you? Finance majors only.

As if that weren’t bad enough, Beto was also on the rowing team before they started throwing parties. He was the only kid in his Lit Hum class that read all of the Odyssey, naming his son “Ulysses” because he, and I quote, “didn’t have the balls to call him Odysseus.”

Would his campaign hire you? I heard that his campaign is looking for a Spanish tutor, so maybe.

STEVE BULLOCK School and Years Enrolled: Columbia Law School, 1991–1994.

First Year Mistakes: Wouldn’t swipe undergrads in to the Law Library, like a bitch.

Embarrassing Extracurricular: He got his JD with honors, so I’m pretty sure he didn’t have time for any outside activities. He did, however, preface every response he gave in class with “Where I come from . . . ” and then proceeded to talk about Montana.

Would his campaign hire you? They’re hiring cleaners to clear out their NYC HQ before the lease is up at the end of the month.

8 Steamy Sexts That Are Actually Just Quotes From Columbia Alumni

By Gustie Owens

1. “Mothers are all slightly insane.”

3. “I will not take ‘but’ for an answer.”

2. “Howl.”

4. “You should not have taken advantage

—JD Salinger

—Allen Ginsberg

October 2019

—Langston Hughes

of my sensibility to steal into my affections without my consent.”

—Alexander Hamilton

5. “This is the moment when we all must 7. “Every journey starts with fear.” come together…”

—Barack Obama

6. “I'm not strictly vegetarian, but meat doesn't play a big part in my diet.”

—Katie Holmes

REGICIDE?

—Jake Gyllenhaal

8. “There are few things more fundamentally encouraging and stimulating than seeing someone else die.”

—Stanley Kubrick

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PLEASE SIR BREAKING: Student in Wheelchair Not Nimble Enough to Evade Sudden Clasp of John Jay Automatic Doors.

Fun Facts to Tell Your Relatives about Columbia This Thanksgiving

By Isabel O’Brien small end of the wishbone

NSOP MAD-LIB(RARY)

By Annie Iezzi

THE TABLE — If you, like me, are the first in your family to attend an Ivy League institution, odds are that your parents are proud of you, but they have a lot of questions. What are the professors like? Do the students throw money from the rooftops? Is caviar served in the dining halls?

Rather than drudge through every individual question for the rest of your adult life, why not answer them all at once?

Last Thanksgiving, I gave my family a small presentation on life at Columbia, and it was a hoot—they really got a feel for the school, and I got to share some little-known factoids with them! Here are some interesting tidbits that you, too, can sprinkle upon your loved ones this holiday season: 1. Columbia has one of the highest concentrations of liberal white people per capita in the United States, second only to Hollywood, California.

2. In 1953, tuition at Columbia was one nickel per credit.

3. Students at Columbia are known as “Columbians” today but used to be known as “Columbines” until the late ’90s.

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COLOMBIA - GREATEST EDUCATION

4. Before landing her position as Columbia University’s most iconic statue, Alma Mater worked in Goldman Sachs’ investment banking division for thirteen years.

5. If a student has not found an internship by April of their junior year, the University is legally allowed to euthanize them.

6. Columbia created the Latin American and Caribbean Studies major in 1810. The people of South America were so pleased with the University’s actions that they named a country, Colombia, in its honor.

7. If you look it up, Ferris Booth Commons has a “$$$$” rating on Yelp.

8. Columbia has the lowest student virginity rate of any Ivy League university because the Core was designed to fuck its students.

9. Columbia University was originally named King’s College but underwent a renaming in the ’80s to be more gender inclusive.

10. Every time a bell rings at Columbia, an angel gets its wings and a new improv group is formed.

Volume XXXVIII Issue 1

SAVE A SEAT WITH AN OPEN YOGURT An Open Letter to the Person Who Stole my Fucking Seat in Butler Library

INSERT LITERALLY ANY PHOTO FROM THE SPEC ARCHIVES OF ALMA MATER HERE.

By Nikhil Mehta and Matt Nola takes notes on paper

(maybe a photo of her at night? spice it up.)

Dear fuckface, Don’t think I didn’t see you walk past my seat five times in the last 10 minutes, you sly son of a bitch. During the split second when we made eye contact, I thought that I saw a glint of friendship in your smile, but now I realize that that wasn’t kindness at all—it was a predatory grin. You saw that I had just finished a cup of coffee from ButCafé, and it was just a matter of time before I had to use one of those shitty third-floor bathrooms where people are always brushing their teeth in the afternoon for some reason.

You gave me a false sense of security when we made eye contact again as I walked away from the table leaving my laptop and notebook clearly in front of my seat.

Satire: Sad Publication Definitely Has Standards

When I returned, I was furious to see you in my seat, my belongings pushed aside and charger unplugged. Your sweater draped over the back of the chair like you had been there all along. You scoundrel, you! I called out, but you were wearing AirPods; I know you weren’t actually listening to anything. It took you a while to even acknowledge my presence. But when I tapped your shoulder, you had no choice but to face your . . . your victim.

Licking your Cool Ranch Dorito-stained fingers, you peeled your eyes from Family Guy. As a blank stare replaced the smugness in your eyes, I lost my courage to reveal your sins to the world. I just gathered my things and left, mortified.

I sit here, back in my dorm room, desperately trying to study as my neighbor engages in loud, indecent acts. You mouth-breather, you four-eyed fuck, you insolent pig. The floors of Butler are tainted by your every step.

Thou shall never again enter into the sacred halls of Butler Library. The next time I see you, I will not look down and walk away. I’ll take your Doritos and dump them in the trash. I’ll scream at the top of my lungs and tell the world what you did, what you are.

Sincerely, A tortured soul

THE ULTIMATE WIFE MATERIAL TEST

By Phillip Arthur Ruddy Tradition masculine excellence 1. Are your friends sexually attracted to her?

2. How does she eat a banana?

3. Does she bite her lip at all? When?

4. Could you do better?

5. Could she do worse?

6. How often does she play hard to get?

October 2019

7. What does she say when she looks like she wants to kill you with the nearest object instead of poison?

8. Is her mom hot? (Just so you know how she’ll age) 9. How many days would you wait to look at someone else if she died?

10. How many unread emails does she have in her inbox? *Please note: this is one hundred percent true. We tested all of this. Pinky swear.

Columbia University’s largest publication housed out of a church definitely holds itself to respectable standards. Said publication, which has seen a drop in readership over the last few years, has tried creating a blog, magazine, and now a satire column, which all lack originality, quality, and integrity.

Although the short-term and long-term correlation between the publication’s innovations and reader satisfaction have been absent through every iteration, the publication has logically chosen to literally steal a page from a smaller, rival publication, which somehow manages to amass a larger consistent readerbase, due to its witty satire.

Representatives from the important publication explain that they put a lot of thought into their new satire section—students can send in articles that were not funny enough for that other, better publication—and are not at all worried about it possibly being not funny at all.

“We want contributors to feel good about getting published in literally anything affiliated with this university,” said the publication representative on Facebook, garnering four views within the first 72 hours.

Local university student Sarah Wu, whose confusion has increased significantly since the very important publication started going in a billion different directions, has taken issue with the publication as a whole.

“At first, I thought the satire magazine was plagiarizing from the main publication. Turns out, **** just republished the same fucking thing under a different title.”

TWITTER?

Representatives for the publication, whose print editions make highly absorbent cumrags, have emphasized that they do indeed publish every day, print every week, and “perform other journalism things,” as promised in their mission statement.

Sarah was last seen repeatedly turning the publication’s print edition 90 degrees to figure out which side is up, before she remembered the Op-Ed section publishes the same echo-chamber ideas, and the News section is just the emails university president sends out to everyone, so what’s even the point? In a response to the student body making revelations like these, the very well funded and lawyered publication reaffirmed that republishing uncontroversial ideas was “effective” at maintaining advertisement deals and that their plethora of half-realized sections “give us the appearance of having everything a student could be looking for.”

Jaysen Zhang is a junior in Columbia College, majoring in uncreative writing from Queens, New York. Weirdly enough, he hopes to pursue bullshit after graduation. Even weirder, he exacts pleasure from creating pale imitations of others’ work. Jaysen can be reached at jz2916@columbia.edu, or at The Columbia Federalist meetings on Sundays 8:30-9:30, in Lerner 569.

The Columbia Federalist is a satire column that doesn’t put “Satire:” in its headlines.

The Columbia Federalist is the only source of satire at Columbia. To respond to this piece or submit an op-ed, email chief@columbiafederalist.com.

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COLD HARD FACTS

Op-Ed: Is this Company Hip Enough for me to go Braless?

By ANNIE IEZZI trying to cut funds Throughout my life, I’ve worked countless jobs, all with the accompanying appropriate brassieres. Job as a tennis instructor? White sports bra. 7:00AM. shift at the nursing home? Whatever soaks up sweat and repels old-people smell. Bartending? Something to pull in the tips and match my resting bitchface— spikes perhaps?

But now, I am matched with an unconquerable bra behemoth: Can I go braless to my job at a counterculture magazine? I know that their whole M.O. is disrupting the mainstream, but does such a goal apply to my nipples disrupting my shirt?

I know, I know, in today’s age of hyperfeminism and the afterglow of “free the nipple,” what do I have to lose at my women-led, fringe magazine? Well, I’ll tell you: I’ll lose a place to hide my coke.

As we all know, the corporate world

is rough. Beneath the moneyed luxury and dangerous intrigue of The Wolf of Wallstreet—the prostitutes, the Quaaludes, the head shaving (which does, to be fair, come up quite frequently at a counterculture magazine, albeit somewhat differently)—are the lowly interns at their desks, unpictured and unseen. We grovel, we get coffee, we impersonate collection agencies to hound companies who haven’t paid their advertising fees. This country is built on the backs of underpaid immigrants and unpaid interns.

But what do we get? Bosses asking us if we’re “okay” after we take more than five bathroom breaks before lunch. Where is the justice? Where is the equality?

Listen, a girl’s gotta get through the day. And believe me, I’ve thought of every angle in the book. The pros of wearing a bra include a fierce pushup to get that $1 discount on my food-truck lunch, a very becoming silhouette, and a semblance of professionalism to hide my dilated pupils.

The list of cons is topped by, and consists exclusively of, the entrapment of my titties against the wind. Don’t we all deserve to feel that?

This is the new frontier of women’s lib.

Will we shirk in our ill-fitting bras as we slink to the bathroom to rail a few lines?

Or will we display our coke, out and proud, a dime bag on the desk? I hope that this personal reflection can inspire readers to be more open with their bodies and their drug habits.

Adorn yourselves! Pierce your nipples and don’t wear a bra to work! Buy a nice mirrored surface and a dainty container for your coke to live in on your desk, due to aforementioned lack of bra! If your coworker/boss Susan can force you to look at a photo of her toddler all day, you can store a nice aesthetic pile of pick me up next to your undoubtedly spotless keyboard. And next time, do a line, titties out, right off of Susan’s custom-made mousepad.

“Beloved Is My Favorite Book,” Says White English Major, Lying

By Rose Jacobs

prefers Song of Solomon ROUND TABLE – In an attempt to seem woke to his peers, Jason Williams CC’21, a white cis man who wears black turtlenecks in the summer, said that his favorite book is Beloved by Toni Morrisson. The incident reportedly took place during the introductory roundtable of an African American Literature class.

Williams’ classmate, who asked to remain anonymous, confided with The Federalist that his friends’ words were a bald-faced lie. “This is my third ethnicitycentered literature class with Jason,” the unidentified source confirmed, “I don’t think he’s ever touched a book that wasn’t written by a white man. In fact, I don’t think he’s ever talked to a person that wasn’t a white man, except maybe his mother.”

When pushed by his teacher to

6

describe why he likes Beloved so much, Williams stayed vague, saying, “I read it for fun my senior year of high school and loved it.” After running to the bathroom to pull up the SparkNotes description of the book on his phone, he came back into class and course-corrected: “I’m not saying that reading a book about a mother killing her child because of the horrors of slavery is fun. No. Not at all.”

Attempting to save face, Williams continued rambling to the class: “It’s just that I like to read for pleasure. You’re not a real English major unless you’re carrying a book around at all times to show people that you read real literature. Like Beloved, which is definitely my favorite novel of all-time. I can prove I read the book! I can name all the characters — Beloved, and, well...all of them!”

Unconvinced by his argument, To uncover the truth behind his words, Williams’ classmates trapped him in the

Schermerhorn basement for five days straight with no access to food, sunlight, or unfiltered Lucky Strike cigarettes.

Broken by nicotine withdrawal, Williams had no choice but to be honest. “Fine!

You want to know what my favorite book really is? I’ll tell you, “It’s the Hunger Games. And I liked the movie better than the book.”

As Williams realized what he had just revealed, he fell at his kidnappers’ feet, humiliated. “Please don’t tell anyone. This is my single greatest source of shame.”

Williams was spotted three days later at a Columbia University Democrats meeting, attempting to pick up some freshmen feminists by asking them if they like to read. “My favorite book is Beloved,” he said, “I think it makes a strong argument for why we need more representation of Women of Color in the Western literary canon.”

FED ALSO GIVES WORK STUDY

Letter to the Editor Dear Editor, Here at The Spectator, we try not to take ourselves too seriously, even though we cover very, very important news.

Even we can recognize that, sometimes, it’s necessary to take a joke — which is why we’ve tolerated the years of friendly (and often not-so) ribbing from our compatriots-in-journalisticarms over at The Federalist, so well.

Lately though, these attacks have been getting too intense for even the most thick-skinned of folk to take.

First, you made fun of us in articles and listicles and graphics. You called us irrelevant and said that we weren’t “real” journalists. Then, you said that writing for us is the 8th circle of hell. That’s not only factually untrue, but our lawyers say that it could be considered slander.

You’re entitled to your opinion; we live in a post-truth society anyways.

Perhaps if that were the end of the insults, I would not need to write this letter. But then, you went and copied our entire newspaper only to besmirch its name! The very fortune upon which we stake our reputations! If somebody went and copied your newspaper, then made it worse, then distributed it to the public for your entire audience to read, how would you feel? Not great? I thought so.

Maybe it’s time for the staff at the Fed to finally put down their pitchforks and take a good, honest look at what we do.

It takes a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to put together a paper as demanding as The Spectator. In any case, it takes more effort to maintain our high standards of journalistic integrity than to sit in a sweaty pitch room and write jokes — jokes that, might I add, aren’t even that funny.

Eventually, I hope that you will be able to understand that we do good work at The Spectator, and we’re working really hard. Like, really hard. We’re tired of being disrespected. And we just want everyone to get along. So please, I beg you, stop making fun of us. It’s not nice, and it hurts our feelings.

Sincerely, Spec Writer #1,598*

*Rose Jacobs Volume XXXVIII Issue 1

SCALDING SOFT FACTS

Presidential Candidate Wants to Take All of the Guns to Create One, Much Bigger Gun

By Uncle Jebediah Forrester

just for hunting Y’all remember when the Second Amendment meant something?

I do. *** Those were simpler times, safer times, times to be proud of. Not like today. Today, I don’t even know what the Second Amendment stands for anymore.

NRA President Wayne LaPierre?

Sounds like a Frenchie! I don’t want no cartoon skunk telling me my business, and neither should you.

AK-47s? Russian propaganda! They already stole our election and, more importantly, they done gone hijacked our beloved action movie star Steven Seagal. Don’t let Putin trick you into buying non-domestic firearms, or we may lose Jean-Claude Van Damme to the iron curtain as well.

School shootings? They are also bad!

I don’t know about y’all, but I just want to get back to that magical time when the Second Amendment didn’t stand for Americans shooting other Americans. No, I just want to get to

the roots of what our Founding Fathers intended the Second Amendment to be: an unimpeachable justification for Americans to shoot at, pistol-whip, bayonet, and/or kill non-Americans.

Which is why, today, I am announcing my candidacy for the 46th president of the United States of America.

When elected, I will confiscate all guns in the United States in order to

best protect the American people from domestic and international threats.

Once all of the guns are collected, I will personally assemble them into one, much bigger gun. This singular, giant gun will not only be very good at making the boom-booms, but it will also be fully mobile. It will have legs made of guns for walking, arms made of guns for pointing and shooting its other guns and

by Mareike Keller

for holding its giant sword made of— you guessed it—thousands of American flags that are also somehow guns.

For all y’all naysayers, lookie-loos, and carpetbagging Yankees who would dare question my ability to assemble 270 million firearms into a Super Voltron Gun, I have done LEGOs before and therefore know what the fuck I am doing. It will look awesome and will be able to shoot the moon out of the night sky and everybody will be so awed by it that we will have perpetual peace.

This plan is absolutely concrete and cannot fail. Of course, I do not plan on having a running mate on my ticket for president because with my Giant Yeet Cannon Robot by my side, I will be invulnerable to the threat of assassination.

Yes, nothing could possibly go wrong with confiscating all of the guns from people who want to keep their guns in order to make one much bigger gun, which is of course exactly what people mean by “common sense gun regulations.” And I’m going to do it. For America!

Six Ways to Pronounce “Buttigieg” and What Each One Says About You

By Nikhil Mehta and Matt Nola "he's just so intellectual"

Butt-ih-guh-guy-gee

You just binged all three seasons of Stranger Things (twice), and now you’ve finally crawled out from your basement hermitage, not having showered for four days. After you adjust to the searing afternoon sun, the first thing which meets your vision is a fiveday-old copy of the New York Times which your mom meant to throw out. “Who the hell is this Buh . . . Buh . . . Butt . . . ih-guh-

October 2019

guy-gee dude?” you wonder to yourself. There’s no logical explanation for why you added those extra syllables, you ignorant fool.

We bet you also pronounce Beto as “Bee-too.” Nerd.

Booty-judge

You’ve been following the candidates on the campaign trail for the last three months but somehow you still have it wrong.

Perhaps you’re an egotistical Fox News analyst a little bit too sure of yourself and your newest pair of Birddogs, or you’re just a Trump supporter. Either way, you’ve been watching way too much Tucker Carlson.

Peter Paul Montgomery

There are only two reasons why you would call him this. The first is that you’re used to saying, “God damn it, Peter Paul Montgomery Buttigieg! Your supper is going to get cold. You better come down here right now, I won’t tell you again!” Or, you’re just really fucking creepy.

Boot-ih-jij

Ah, we see that you took the 30 seconds to look at the pronunciation tool on his Wikipedia page. Good on you, smart, smart reader. We definitely didn't visit that page ourselves to make sure

we had it right. You’ve certainly taken Lit Hum, maybe even a few linguistics classes. Your lengthy investment of time into Pete’s last name means that you may fantasize about Chasten Buttigieg fathering your first-born child . . . even though you realize that could never actually happen.

But-tee-jee-uh-ije

Wait—don’t tell us—you’re in SEAS. You claim that you don’t follow politics because everyone in Congress is a “cretin;” however, you get really mad whenever a politician threatens to cut the NASA budget. The laws governing our universe are more impor-

FIFTH GAY PRESIDENT

tant to you than the laws governing our nation. You opted to take “Salsa and Reggae” and “Global Urbanism” for one of your Core requirements.

Buddy-jud

You’re probably sitting on your John Deere sipping from a gallon bottle of ice tea right now as you tend to your 60 acres of corn. You might be a supporter since you’re from rural Indiana, but your wife isn’t really comfortable with the fact that he’s gay. Regardless, you’re deep in Trump country and can’t really express your views without the neighbors wondering if you’re a “dirty commie.”

7

WHAT IS COLUMBIA DRESSIN ART BY JAYSEN ZHANG

Deantini

Costume: ‘Dirty’ Martini

Sig Nu Bros

Costume: Their Own Penis

“I got three olives on a toothpick right here for ya, baby.”

“You are what you eat.”

President Bollinger Costume: Justin Trudeau

“I thought the students would like this! Canada's great with unions!"

*See page 10

Barnard Student

Costume: Not Dressing Up “Halloween is an appropriation of indigenous pagan culture you fucking scum.”

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SPOOKY

Volume XXXVIII Issue 1

NG UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN SEAS Students Costume: Frodo from The Lord of the Rings

“Oh is today Halloween? This is actually just my regular Thursday cape.”

Freshman Girls Costume: Naughty Greta Thurnberg

“Get it, I’m naughty because I’m holding a coal-fired powerplant — it’s TOPICAL.”

Econ Majors

Costume: Slutty LinkedIn Profiles

Math Majors

Costume: The number ‘7’

“Ask me where my connect button is.”

October 2019

“Hey ladies — I’m prime tonight.”

SCARY

9

IT'S NOT WEED, IT'S INCENSE

10 Reasons to Support Whistleblowing Legislation

Confession: The Dorm Alarm Keeps Getting Tripped Because My Mixtape Is Fire

By Emily Olson FDNY blacklisted I’m sorry. It’s me.

By Gustie Owens a bot

1. Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it and we start real slow 2. You just put your lips together And you come real close 3. Look, I'm bettin' you like people 4. And I'm bettin' you love freak mode 5. And I'm bettin' you like girls That give love to girls and stroke your little ego 6. I bet you I'm guilty, your honor That's just how we live in my genre 7. Who in the hell done paved the road wider?

8. There's only one Flo and one Rida 9. I'm a damn shame, order more champagne 10. Pull a damn hamstring tryna put it on ya 11. Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby

I am the reason that you keep running out of EC, blindly grabbing for your CUID, jamming your feet into your shoes as you stumble downstairs in your boxers.

Last week, I finally completed my baby. I’ve been working on this project since my senior year of high school, so this is near and dear to my heart.

I wasn’t ready for this barbaric world to hear my delicate medley of tunes, so I had been quite private about this project. But now I feel that the public is mature enough to hear my craft—I’m going public.

Last night, I demanded that my roommate turn off his sound machine so that I could take the AUX. At

source—my mixtape was too fire.

To the partygoers, hallway listeners, EC residents, and FDNY, I give my sincerest apologies.

SoundCloud linked down below.

Someone shouted "fire!" to which I responded "thanks!"

Halloween Do’s and Don’ts

By Baha Topbas spooky szn

DO:

Take the pill your creepy neighbor offers as a treat.

Considering the price of most drugs these days, you can’t afford to throw it away. Just take it, and hope for the best.

DON’T:

Wear blackface.

Blackface was commonly used in the 1800’s in racist minstrel shows. Wearing blackface is considered offensive and that should be enough for you. If not, it will also probably destroy your future career if you’re seen in it, unless you’re planning to be the Canadian Prime Minister or a Republican.

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approximately 11:30 p.m., I plugged in my phone and pulled up my SoundCloud. I clicked play on my latest upload, and the speakers blasted what I consider to be the finest piece of artistry since “Old Town Road.”

Immediately, a party picked up out of nowhere. The hall rang with cheers of “YO!” and “this is fireeee!”

All of a sudden, I smelled a bit of smoke. The room started to cloud up, but I assumed it was someone’s Juul creeping in from the hallway.

The room continued to get cloudy and started to get hotter, though the smoke smelled less like weed than it should have. Someone shouted “fire!” to which I responded “thanks!”

Then, out of nowhere, people began to clear out of the room and run downstairs, White Claws in hand. I saw a flame in the front of the room, next to the speaker, and quickly realized the

DO:

Go for a ‘slutty’ costume.

It’ll increase your chances of doing the mash, the monster mash, the monster mash, a graveyard smash.

By being hungry, not only you can haggle for more tricks but you’ll also get the opportunity to throw up for a non-alcohol related reason.

DO:

DON’T:

Carry multiple rolls of toilet paper with you.

I’m serious. Don’t do it. There are plenty of white characters you can dress up as. Just don’t.

Not only can you use them to attack uncooperative houses, but they can also be used to make a last minute mummy.

DO:

DON’T:

By covering your college student face with a mask, you can pretend to be a socially acceptable age to go trick or treating.

Just please don’t. It’s really not a hard concept to grasp. If you do and somehow later acquire a degree of success, you’ll just allow stupid school newspapers like this one to make fun of you, as if you’ll care. Also, you just shouldn’t do it for all of the non-you related reasons that you shouldn’t do it.

Wear blackface.

Wear a mask!

DON’T:

Eat dinner beforehand.

ANYTHING TO OPEN THOSE CHASTITY GATES

Wear blackface.

Volume XXXVIII Issue 1

PLEASE WASH YOUR HYDROFLASK

MEL'S FIRES BOUNCER AFTER Profiles of Columbia FINDING OUT HE CAN READ Students via A Mel’s manager disclosed that Bouncerman came into her office, asking from Rhode Island why he had been stiffed on last week’s MEL’S BURGER AND BAR — paycheck. Shocked, the manger questioned Representatives from Mel’s confirmed how became aware of his proper salary.

Saturday evening that they have Bouncerman replied, confusedly, that terminated the tenure of their long-time he reads his paycheck on his own. The bouncer, Manny Bouncerman IV. manager went on to confess that: “I A spokesman from Mel’s explained that realized I would have to fire my favorite reading Columbia IDs is not consistent bouncer.” When further questioned about with the bar’s mission. This high-level her hiring practices, the Mel’s manager employee reached out on the condition said: “There is no I in team, and no READ of anonymity, and in bouncer.” she elaborated that, Columbia Federalist “Reading is not a job “IF IT'S THIN LET 'EM reporters interviewed qualification at Mel’s.

Bouncerman to IN” In fact, we redirect learn more about the - Mel's Burger anyone who wants incident. “I represent a to read over to that lineage of bouncers,” he Representative boardgame bar. Here, said, “It’s in my blood.

It’s all about the feel and texture of the I am absolutely crestfallen and initially, I card. The plastic has to feel right in your was unsure what I would do next.” With fingers. When you know this is not a Bouncerman’s literacy comes the troubling legitimate ID, it’s time to let them inside. acquisition of a moral compass.

None of that reading bullshit” This led to a domino effect of surprising Signs that Bouncerman was in fact developments in Bouncerman’s psyche. literate began to pop up a few weeks Bouncerman expressed his deep concern ago. He ordered a spiked milkshake by about binge drinking on campus, shouting referring to the listing on the menu, and to Federalist reporters that “one in five not by belligerently pointing towards students will be CAVA’d by the end of their the bar and then his mouth. At first, freshman year” while demanding that this management brought Bouncerman a trend must be put to an “unequivocal” White Russian because they thought end. he just saw words alcohol and milk and When asked for a comment, a rep from didn’t think he was advanced enough to Mel’s Burger and Bar declined to do so, understand verbs (i.e. shake). While this scoffed, then quickly added “Don’t forget instance may have simply demonstrated to include our motto: if it’s thin let ‘em in!” knowledge of the concept of milk, The bouncer has now been sent to a reBouncerman’s literacy continued to cause education program and we have received problems. Management grew even more multiple letters from him that have concerned when he started to describe the declined in readability. More to come as flavor profiles of different craft beers using the story develops. . . . words like “musky” and “botanical”.

By Phillip Arthur Ruddy

October 2019

Footwear of Choice

By Sherin S. Shibu

Sketchers

COMBAT BOOTS Tough AF “Yeah I’m wearing this with a short skirt in January.”

You pretend you’re decisive but the only thing you’re sure of is your taste in shoes.

You could be friends with a Chelsea boots person, who you secretly look down on and also are in love with.

ALLBIRDS The Entrepreneur “No, I haven’t dropped out yet.”

If Allbirds grace your unsocked feet, you probably consider yourself a Silicon Valley insider. You’ve interned at startups like SendFriend, Aunt Flow, and Yahoo.

SNEAKERS I work out “When did you wake up?”

You’re hardcore. You know it. Everyone looking at your sneakers knows it. Either you’re an athlete, or you’re hardcore into pretending you’re an athlete (athleisure anyone?). That, or you may just really want to sprint to class

SOCKS WITH SANDALS Sending shivers down your spine since the winter of ‘09 “Why doesn’t she want to be seen with me in public?”

If the sandals are Adidas slides, please check yourself out of Butler right now and reconsider your life choices.

FLATS Effortlessly basic “This is real. This is me.”

The stark simplicity of your shoe choice brings out how low-key you are. That’s what you tell everyone anyway. If you’re wearing these everyday, you’re probably going to be one of those moms or dads with huge tote bags.

ANYTHING WITH TASSELS Just a Little Extra “So I’m doing this internship five days a week and I’m taking six classes and I’m helping keep our borders safe on The Federalist, our campus police force, but it’s not too bad!”

NUTS FOR JUICES

11

RUPI KAUR IS A POET

“I am the next Greta Thunberg,” Says White Girl With Metal Straw

By Amelia Fay

By Jayne Magliocco needs a new vehicle for liquids

I remember the way your body lingered As I held you to my mouth, Between my thumb and finger.

has a tattoo of a flower JOE COFFEE, PULITZER HALL — In light of our government’s embarrassing inaction regarding climate change, it can be easy to feel hopeless about the situation.

Luckily, one Columbia student is making waves on campus and inciting real change.

“I’ve been, like, really frustrated about the climate crisis recently,” said Becca Edwards, CC’21. “I was inspired by the recent protests and everything, but I needed a hands-on way to get involved with this issue.”

Her groundbreaking strategy: using a $2.37 metal straw from University Housewares, complete with a tiny pipecleaner for extra-clean sips. “Every day, I get an iced matcha latte with hemp milk, meaning that I used to go through hundreds of plastic straws per year, which ended up in landfills or polluting our oceans,” Edwards told Federalist reporters, “But once I heard about how straws were killing all the turtles—which is, like, totally tragic, by the way—I knew I had to give them up. I had to act as if the house was on fire, because the turtle’s house was.”

Although many climate activists are motivated by the threat global warming poses to marginalized and impoverished communities, Edwards is driven purely by her love for the Texas Tortoise. “The Texas Tortoise,” she said, “is an endangered species of sea turtle native to the Atlantic, Pacific, and Indian Oceans that plays a vital role in its ecosystem. The fact that our excessive use of plastic straws has caused

Ode to Hewitt Plastic Straws

Iced coffee, chocolate milk, the occasional craft beer: You transported my liquids— Some opaque, others clear.

By Jaysen Zhang the population to shrink dramatically is the reason why I am on the front lines of this movement, standing strong in the face of adversity. I think it’s safe to say that I’m the next Greta Thunberg.”

When asked if she had any advice for other students looking to become climate warriors, Edwards said, “You must unite behind science. You must take action.

You must do the impossible. Because giving up can never be an option.” It’s not easy to be so involved with such a controversial movement—Edwards has been relentlessly ridiculed for her metal straw usage—but she urges her followers

to remain strong. “When haters go after your differences,” she said, “it means they have nowhere left to go. And then you know you’re winning! If we all switch to reusable straws, I’m confident that the climate crisis will be solved and the Texas Tortoise will be saved.”

Edwards can be seen in various Joe’s, Blue Java’s, Starbucks, and Oren’s throughout Morningside Heights, always toting a plastic cup and lid with a metal straw. She was last spotted talking to a representative from the World Wildlife Fund who told her that tortoises, including the Texas Tortoise, are actually land dwelling.

Everything was going well in May— We said our goodbyes, made plans to meet up.

But when I returned to school in August, You’d upped and gone away.

I care about the turtles And mother nature too, But when they say “straws suck,” I wish I were sucking you.

First Year Student Is, Like, So Poor Right Now

By Isabel O’Brien venmo her for that hummus you split LERNER HALL — Grace Mullen CC’23 knew that New York was an expensive city when she moved here a little over a month ago. Yet, the amount of money that she has spent so far this semester has truly shocked her—so much so that she’s basically shouting it from atop John Jay.

12

“Last night, we went to get Shake Shack together for dinner because we were getting tired of the burgers at John Jay,” claimed her roommate, Kiersten Morales CC’23, “and when we were in line, she was telling me how we had to stop eating out so much, because New York has made her super poor. I was really concerned for her and was going to offer to pay for her burger, but then she pulled out a Louis Vuitton wallet and charged it to her parents’ credit

card. What the hell?”

“I just can’t believe how much things cost here,” said Mullen, who was found grabbing a smoothie at Café East in Lerner Hall between classes.

Her voice trailed off as she gazed at the ground forlornly, staring at her Nike sneakers and playing with the hem of her Lululemon tennis skirt. “It’s hard to keep track of what you spend.

College is so expensive nowadays. It’s not right.”

CASH APP?

When asked if the high cost of living at Columbia has added additional stress concerning her student loan payments, Mullen responded that her parents cover the entirety of her tuition but that they “might have to apply for financial aid next semester.”

“This is why I’m voting for Elizabeth Warren,” Mullen stated, eyes ablaze.

“Her policy proposals really resonate with average Americans like me.”

Volume XXXVIII Issue 1

STUDENT LIFE New Student Group:

Horse Girls Anonymous: who are they?

BREAKING: 182 Million Dollars in Diversity Funding Used For Prezbo’s Diverse Caviar Tastes

By Fed Staff

Roe Hoe Something’s fishy in Morningside Heights. $182 million worth of funding originally earmarked to increase Columbia’s faculty diversity has instead been diverted into buying President Bollinger more diverse kinds of caviar. This shocking scandal was uncovered after an administrative review determined that in spite of the $182 million, faculty diversity had actually dropped.

However, the same report determined that the range of caviar varieties special-delivered to Morningside Heights had increased dramatically in that time span — a diversity achievement for which President Bollinger is almost solely responsible.

This news has caused mass outrage from a variety of campus student organizations.

Dick Muffins, VP of EcoReps, said the following while picketing on Low steps: “Of course we understand the paramount importance of diversity and equity of all types, interspecies included. But we just want to know whether he’s checking the sustainability of his choices on Seafood Watch.” He proceeded to whip out his biodegradablecase-clad phone and extoll the app’s virtues.

Prezbo’s whale of a blunder has united even the most disparate groups on campus.

The Columbia University College Republicans released a statement accusing Prezbo of contributing to affirmative action, arguing that “only the finest and most prestigious caviar is worthy of being admitted to this institution’s most important mouth.”

The Barnard Vegans, meanwhile, have likewise joined the protests, arguing that the money should have been sourced to find more

October 2019

diverse kinds of sustainably-sourced salad dressing for Hewitt. Their President, Jane Blackfeather-Hilton argued, “I’m all in favor of diversity, but I draw the line at people eating food that doesn’t taste like dirt and patchouli. Simply put, the Columbia community has never seen a crime of these scales.”

President Bollinger may seem gill-ty, but the famed lawyer is hardly floundering for a response. “I have been proud to defend the rights of caviar enthusiasts since the landmark Supreme Court case “Fish Roe V Wade,” Prezbo argued. “I, for one, do not see color — whether you are black or white, orange or red, spooned out of a can or freshly taken from a sturgeon’s womb — I love you caviar, every bit.”

Bollinger continued, “The beauty of attending a world-class university like Columbia is the ability to have your viewpoints challenged constantly. Until I was sixteen, I had only tried four types of caviar. Four!

Let me just say that worldview has been significantly expanded since then.”

President Bollinger went on to announce a new program wherein his surplus caviar will be served in John Jay Dining Hall on Fridays and Saturdays, in order to expand undergraduates’ palates and replace the Jerk Mako Shark previously on the menu.

GS students who don’t have meal plans will be given the leftover tasting crackers for free in the GS lounge on Sunday.

“Nobody should have to go through life only tasting one, maybe two types of caviar,” declared Prezbo proudly. “Besides, Students of Color will be given first tasting.

I think the accusation that this has nothing to do with multi-

By Amelia Fay Horse girl sympathizer ALFRED LERNER HALL — This semester, a new organization was verified as a club on campus: Horse Girls Anonymous. Reports from The Federalist caught up with founders Mikayla Brown CC’22 and Jennifer Murphy CC’20 to learn more about the club.

“We wanted to give horse girls a safe space on this campus,” said Brown when asked about the inspiration for HGA. “As lifelong horse lovers, Jennifer and I know firsthand just how isolating this can be. Hopefully, this club will make things a little easier on other students like us.”

The bi-weekly meetings, designed to help those struggling with horse obsession and withdrawal, will feature an hour-long talking circle and perhaps a coin-operated mechanical horse. Murphy said, “Horse Girls Anonymous is a judgement-free zone, and we hope that the talking circle will inspire students to open up about

HARD-HITTING JOURNALISM

their horse addictions. These issues are difficult to handle alone, so our goal is to make HGA a support system for anyone who needs it.”

Although one might not expect there to be high demand for such a club at Columbia, HGA’s founders are confident that there will be an impressive turnout at their first meeting. After all, there are literally thousands of girls wearing riding boots to class, which indicates that they are down with horse culture. “This is an issue that is plaguing America,” said Brown. “We are mothers, daughters, sisters, friends. Everyone at this school knows a horse girl. We’ve all succumbed to this addiction in different ways—horse camp, Horse Life for Nintendo DS, sunset horseback riding on the beach during family vacations to the Bahamas—but our struggles are the same. That is why we are so passionate about Horse Girls Anonymous.”

Join them next Thursday!

13

TRULY TONE DEAF

Entire Acapella Community Retires After They Realize Nobody Likes It

By Fed Staff

acca-awful

Less than five weeks into the Fall 2012 semester, Andrew Smith, CC ’16, realized that acapella was his calling.

“Pitch Perfect came out, and I said to myself, ‘Finally, someone is giving attractive kids the chance they deserve!’ Smith recounts. “My next move was to find an enclave with other brohomies like myself, who just love to toss around a few notes.”

The Columbia Kingsmen announced that their 2012 auditions had the highest turnout yet. “It’s great that we’re finally being respected. I mean, we’re just some fun dudes who like to sing, nothing too complicated. We put on our embroidered blazers one arm at a time, just like everyone else.”

However, throughout recent years, Columbia Kingsmen began to battle with Columbia administration. In 2017, Prezbo announced a new initiative for gentrifying Harlem by requesting that Columbia Kingsmen would be sent singing door to door, until every Harlem resident was driven out and replaced by a vinyl collector named Leslie.

“When we refused, Prezbo and Deantini sued us

for infringing on copyright laws because we use pantone 292 in our blazers,” says Kingsmen president, Eric Michaelson, CC ’20. “How could we change such storied uniforms? See this?” Michaelson says, as he pulls back his right lapel, revealing a dark brown stain. “This is a blood stain from something that didn’t happen in 1986. You see, these have been passed down in Kingsmen for generations.”

Despite these internal battles, Kingsmen keep up a brave face, continuing many of their delightful traditions.

“Yeah, so Song-O-Gram is one of the more popular things we do,” starts Sam Erikson, CC ’22. “Basically, someone fills out a form saying that they want a friend or loved one serenaded by us, The Columbia Kingsmen. So, we go to this person and sing our hearts out, just for them, in front of all of these gawkers. People love it... the attention; it’s like sitting while everyone sings you Happy Birthday.”

In a private message to the Fed, the Kingsmen requested that a writer trail them to report on their enjoyable Song-O-Gram performances. As this Fed staffer entered a Kingsmen’s apartment, the acapella group was beginning their pre-show rituals.

Mono Outbreak in Carman Attracts More Barnard First Years, Seeking “Badge of Honor”

this symbol of supreme social status.

“Hickeys really don’t do it anyDisgruntled Furnald resident more,” Izzy muses as she thinks of all the benefits that contracting mono It’s a Thursday night. Quarantine from a Carman party would bring her. tape lines the Carman scaffolding, “Infectious diseases just hit different.” and CUEMS agents are shuffling in The squash jock finally stumbles and out of the building carting ailing down the stairs, coughing up a storm students plagued with the latest out- with his “totally hot, raspy mono break of mononucleosis. voice.” He explains that he took so “My friend told me that there’s long because he had fallen asleep from something going on on the seventh the fatigue. “I have mono, haven’t you floor,” says Barnard first year Izzy to heard?” he drones. “This shit sucks.” her friend Meghan. “We just have to Izzy and Meghan swoon in their wait here for a few more minutes. I Brandy Melville tanks and highknow someone on the squash team waisted jeans at his words, almost who’s gonna sign us in. Then, it’s falling right out of their Air Force gametime.”

1s. Izzy doesn’t miss a beat, though, They sit on the bench, waiting in walking straight up to Daniel with a silence, both acutely aware of their test-tube and an intravenous needle. outsider status. Individually, they After isolating the necessary pathoplot their forthcoming offensive tac- gen, she injects it into her left arm, tics. You see, all of their friends had gives Daniel a good slap on the ass, already contracted mono, and the and walks triumphantly away. “Mels two were some of the only remaining is more fun anyway, sis.”

Barnard students to not be marked by

By Nicholas Turrill

14

The Kingsmen begin by filling the room with axe body spray. Then, each member takes a tub of mayonnaise and begins to rub the person on their right’s body in said mayonnaise. Then, each member faces their neighbor on their left and begins to stimulate their prostate.

“It helps us reach the higher notes,” assures Anderson O’Halligan, GS ’21.

As the Kingsmen walk out of the apartment, they all begin to chant, “No means yes, yes means acapella!”

Outside of Butler Library, the Kingsmen prepare to serenade the next person on their list. They partake in a few vocal exercises before entering the library. Entering the second floor Mezzanine, they begin to circle a petite woman, quietly studying alone.

They perform MTKO’s “Classic.” The girl, who wishes to remain anonymous, claps, then says with more of a grimace than a smile: “...thanks.”

The Kingsmen then shout in uproarious celebration, high fiving one another, before parkouring out of the building. Kingsmen, we salute you.

Op-Ed: BRING BACK THE QUARANTINE!

By Sherin S. Shibu

anti-anti-vaxxer club Ah, fall. When leaves say goodbye to the trees they grew from and students show the fortitude their faulty immune systems lack by expelling deep, hacking coughs in between mucosal secretions at 3pm lectures. The season of immune system decay is upon us.

Yet students try to thwart the power of this season by “powering through” class while looking only slightly better than the branches that I crush to fine powder underneath my feet each morning. Not everyone has an immune system with the strength of a thousand fine Trojan horses. I have no experience with colds, flus, and brain-eating amoebas, and I’ll be kind enough to point out that most people on this campus shouldn’t live in Florida. My superior genetic makeup, on the other hand, was more than able to weather that strange climate of retirees and fellow 19 year olds at Disneyworld.

I think I speak for all us healthy folks

WHAT HAPPENED TO CHOLERA?

who have historically had to listen to people complain about what they’re going through, without relating to their plight in any way, when I say we need to quarantine the sick again. Instructions are found in the holy manual for medical advice, otherwise known as Leviticus 13. While the chapter focuses on leprosy, its lessons are still applicable to modern afflictions, like people who sneeze loudly in my direction. Under God, Moses, and Aaron, anyone with leprosy had to wear torn clothes, let their hair be unkempt (which I’ve observed as a natural consequence of illness), cover the lower part of their face, and cry out, “Unclean! Unclean” (verse 45). Please do keep this in mind when thinking of codes of behavior in the quarantine area.

So sick people, this distance between us isn’t just about your slipping grades.

I’m just three more loud nose blowers away from locking this place up with a portable wall. And it’s definitely you, not me.

Volume XXXVIII Issue 1

QUIT YOUR CLUBS WHILE YOU STILL CAN

Marching Banned From Campus Events

By Gustie Owens

has a knee contusion LOW LIBRARY — After a multifaceted, equitable discussion, the University has reached the conclusion that from the tip of John Jay to the top of Baker Field, marching is banned! Students are amazed at the speed and efficacy of this policy decision, as votes to add a woman’s name to the facade of Butler Library still has not passed.

This decision was reached in discussions with administrators and Student Health Services (SHS) who, as always, are looking out solely for the best interests of Columbia’s student body.

Initially, there was some confusion, as it seemed that the university was trying to get rid of the marching band. “We would never!” President Lee C. Bollinger wrote to the Federalist in an email. “They bring so much life to campus and are such a great vacuum for all of our resources. Just a small little typo on our end. Haha.”

According to SHS Executive Director Marcy Ferdschneider, too many

students were getting shin splints from marching, causing overwhelm in the system. Apparently shin splint related appointments alone are the reason it takes three weeks to make an appointment.

Worse, the sexy act of marching has led to a lot of incest amongst marching groups on campus; creating a boom in venereal disease that is even further overwhelming SHS. “We hope that by getting marching banned, students will tread lighter, and maybe even slide some Dr. Scholl’s under those toesies,” Ferdschneider said.

Administrators also stated that this policy would call for an end to the University’s decades-long War on Fun. In a statement to Public Safety and Residential Life this morning, President Bollinger wrote: “Eh, well folks, I guess it’s over! Can’t really be a war without boots marching on the ground!”

When Bollinger was later asked how this new anti-marching policy would apply to CUMB’s beloved ORGO night, he responded “I guess as long as they saunter into Butler, it should be chill.”

Yes, you should get a face tattoo

By Sherin S. Shibu

very trustworthy “This angel found her halo” resonates with you. You might even say the words reverberate. One day you will look in the mirror and naturally start to think about getting a halo tattooed on your forehead. You could even put a little eye within the halo to create the ‘thirdeye effect’ that alters any religious meaning while adding depth.

You have a plan. You’re used to going after what you want. whether it be a tub of ice cream at 11 p.m. on a Wednesday or the hipster who sleeps on a mattress in his friend’s kitchen. You’ve shattered glass ceilings and put your foot down through glass tables. You’ve deleted ‘Glassdoor’ from your browser history because you don’t see glass, you just see open doors. There’s really nothing you can’t do.

So why not get a forehead tattoo- heralding your foray into fantasy as a better Harry Potter? Or a cheek

October 2019

tattoo to replace the broken heart best friend necklace you lost in fifth grade (still haven’t found that friend though). Or you could get your eyebrows microbladed.

Make sure they’re shaped into Nike check marks because when you want something, you know you just do it.

BARNARD BUY SELL TRADE

THIS BARNARD QUEER WILL TATTOO YOUR FACE for a bag of your homemade granola that is actually just crushed Nature Valley bars and m&ms or best offer.

THIS BARNARD QUEER WILL PIERCE YOUR FACE if you follow her food instagram or best offer.

THIS BARNARD QUEER WILL SIT ON YOUR FACE for big pants, little shirt. or best offer.

SNIFF, SNIFF

15

In light of the Climate Crisis,

The Fed is committed to recycling

THIS ISSUE CAN BE USED AS A PROPHYLACTIC

OPPORTUNITY: YOUR COMPANY'S AD COULD BE HERE! Advertise directly to our unique readership: our jewish mothers, our goyish friends, and the ghost thats haunting our fucking broadway double.

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Please email chief@columbiafederalist.com or write us a letter that can be hand delivered to us at 8:30 pm on Sundays in Lerner 569.