The Columbia Federalist Februrary 2022 Issue

Volume XXXIX • Issue 3 • February 2022

Columbia's Only Newspaper That Talks About Fight Club

THE TEAM EDITORIAL BOARD Nikhil Mehta Gustie Owens Feditors-in-Chief Amelia Fay Jayne Magliocco Managing Editors Zoe Davidson Matt Nola

Head Submissions Editors

ASSOCIATE BOARD Sam Grossman Layout Editor Mollie Schmidtberger Wesley Schmidt Head Copy Editors Lillian Aregawi Anique Edwards Julian Gerber Megan Meyerson Emily Olson Anjali Ramakrishnan Mary Schauf Lauren Unterberger Submissions Editors Kat Chen Zachary Ginsberg Graphics Editors Zoe Vogelsang Online Editor Matilda Darragh-Ford Lauren Unterberger Video Editors Lillian Aregawi Social Chair Claire Ponnaiya Events Manager

Elizabeth Meyer Phillip Ruddy Nurasyl Shokeyev Senior Editors

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STAFF Grace Weinswig Vish Nambiar Zoe Elison Issue 3 Layout Team Juliette Bellinson Ilan Cohen Sophia DiPietro Molly Durawa Dessa Gerger Blake Jones Andrew Kirdahy Yoni Kurtz Thaddeus Lipke Dahlia Low Alex Malamud Sofia Pirri Ava Sanjabi Baha Topbas Dahlia Soussan Emma Sullaway Dani Rivera Sofie Matson Olivia Ruble Eliza Heath Sylvi Stein Grace Weinswig Clay Seliga Benjamin Scherzer Sophie Simons Staff Writers Lillian Aregawi Jules Michaud Dalia Etessami Danielle Odigie Dani Rivera Olivia Ruble Prisha Samdarshi Zoe Vogelsang Allison Zhang Staff Artists Miriam Alvarez-Rosenbloom Molly Durawa Eliza Heath Ava Young-Stoner Sophie Simons Staff Copy Editors

A Dispatch from the Feditors Dear Lonely Hearts Club,

Roses are red, violets are blue, and boy do we have a sweet issue for you. We heard your desperate pleas for enlightenment amidst your winter blues, so we present to you our latest content on which to chew. If you’re feeling alone, no need to moan, crack open this issue and get ready to groan.

This month, Chef Mike graces our pages once more. We asked, "Chef Mike, how can you make cooking even more about carnal desire anymore than you already have?!"

Three years ago, we thought he couldn’t go further, and he gave us penis bobble heads.

This year, he opened The Sub Shop. And yet again, we are the only paper on campus covering this key issue.

Inspired by Mike, our sexy-food beat reporters were swamped with this issue, between the m&m scandals and breaking the story about horny breakfast cereal. We figure this is as good a time as any time to remind you to check out our websites Food&Drink section.

Please enjoy this issue, and keep in mind, the best way to break the ice with a crush?

Send them a link to the beautiful piece “Pry Me Open Like a Plastic Clamshell.”

We hope you find your Yoko, Gustie and Nikhil

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PAGE 3: Fed's guide to dating PAGE 4:Ggreen m&m leaked nudes PAGE 5: What's a pariah PAGE 6: It's all about making connections PAGE 7: Yummy PAGE 8-9: It's your RA open up PAGE 10: Why you're still single PAGE 11: Stop putting your wordle stats on your story or i'll unfollow u PAGE 12: Dear chef mike please be my valentine PAGE 13: Razor burn PAGE 14: The fun and games page PAGE 15: Friend zone

#FERRISFOREVER

Volume XXIX Issue 3

CHAMBER POT, DROP TOP

QUIZ: Where Should You Take

Your Valentine's Date?

By Benjamin Scherzer and Sylvi Stein

Cupid's enforcers If you, like us, are prone to procrastination and indecision, it might be hard to find a spot to take your date.

Luckily, we Fed writers, with an extensive familiarity with all things romance, have you covered.

1. How did you and your partner meet? a) On Tinder. Swiped right on every profile that didn’t say NYU. b) We were study partners in A.P. U.S. History. (I got a 5 on the exam, by the way.) c) I got their number from our NSOP group chat. d) In Butler at 4AM, speed-typing an essay that was due two days ago.

2. How long have you known them? a) We just met. b) Years! c) A few months but we haven’t really hung out much, except that time we

made eye contact in the Ferris line and really quickly looked away. d) We haven’t met yet, but I know I’m a catch. I’ll figure it out.

3. What’s your favorite thing to do together? a) Idk… Netflix and chill I guess? b) Everything. We share our whole lives, and no matter where I am, I know the other half of my heart is with them <3. c) Be productive with our FroSci study group. d) Write for The Fed. 4. What's your major? a) Econ b) Creative Writing c) CS d) Undecided! Lol (I graduate in two semesters, please help me).

5. What's one thing you would change about your partner? a) They ask too much of me. Like, come on. I'm just one person.

You expect me to remember our

anniversary and your birthday? b) I wish they weren’t vegan. c) I wish they would stop calling me by my roommate's name. d) for starters, I prefer blondes.

6. What did you do last year on Valentine’s Day? a) Went crazy at Beta!! Those are my boys!! b) Exchanged promise rings. c) Binge-watched Season 12 of The Office d) Oh boy… are you sure you want all the steamy details? ;) If you chose mostly As — To really sweep your partner off their feet, you should meet up at the nicest 99 cent pizza place within walking distance, a solid forty-five minutes after you agreed to meet them there. Follow dinner with a romantic whirlwind stop at Mel’s, where you’ll be overcharged for the Valentine’s Day special cocktails, and finish the night off with a leisurely stroll through your Carman dorm hall/frat

house walkup.

If you chose mostly Bs — Your Valentine's Day will start off with a long, romantic Zoom, because you and your partner live four hours apart from each other. After a Netflix Party screening of Cheer that doesn’t work because someone’s WiFi keeps crapping out, you’ll finish the night off with a passiveaggressive phone call from your mother, telling you that you would have been so much happier if you had just gone to college nearby and you could come home every weekend.

If you chose mostly Cs — You should probably go with a group date because you’re uncomfortable with emotional intimacy. Take a couple friends (who are just as single as you) to Koronet. Make awkward eye contact with your date to show that they aren’t just a friend, but also don’t make them feel too special because they might set expectations you know you can’t meet.

If you choose mostly Ds — Good luck ever escaping the friend zone.

More Like Morningside HIGH: Student Surprised to Learn that “Chamber Pot” is Not a Synonym For Hot Box

By Benjamin Scherzer, Isabella Villatora, Molly Durawa, and Eliza Heath

Chamber pot dealers Dillon Bollinger (no relation) (we think), CC ’25, was in for a shitty surprise when he discovered that “chamber pot” was not, in fact, a synonym for his favorite way to get high off of someone else’s weed. Classmates reported that he was quite eager to offer his own personal experience as soon as the professor started his slideshow on

February 2022

medieval toiletry.

“No, I didn’t wait to be called on, I had something enlightening to share,” Bollinger informed our reporters.

A self-proclaimed “free thinker,” Bollinger had decided to enroll in “Medieval Europe: High Priests and Low Flow” based solely on a 4.5 star CULPA review from user “PrincetonSux420”.

“Someone online said this was a really dope history class, so I figured it was right up my alley. Turns out it was just a big bowl of crap.”

Olivia Ruble/Staff Artist

HELP! I'm becoming alive!

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FED HALFTIME SHOW

Columbia Athletics Lifts Ban on Spectators at Home Games, Still No One Shows Up

Dani Rivera / Staff Artist

By Nurasyl Shokeyev

I'm busy today...

BAKER ATHLETICS COMPLEX—After reviewing the latest assessment by the University’s COVID-19 Task Force on the risk of coronavirus spread, Columbia Athletics has announced an end to the ban on fans at home sporting events. “Most of our games are so sparsely attended anyway that it is unlikely the ban did anything to reduce the spread of the

disease” said Athletic Director Devon Ray. When asked if he was concerned by the highly contagious nature of the Omicron variant, the football coach Gustavo Brady replied, “it seems like every other student at Columbia has already been ill with the new variant; at least this way, the lads can feel some support from their parents.”

Reports confirm the football team’s Ivy League opener against Princeton has been postponed due to a COVID-19 outbreak among the players.

How to Celebrate Valentine's Day with Your Long Distance Partner

By Dani Rivera

too damn real LOREM IPSUM DOLOR SIT AMET, CONSECTETUR ADIPISCING ELIT, SED DO EIUSMOD TEMPOR INCIDIDUNT UT LABORE ET DOLORE MAGNA ALIQUA. DIAM VULPUTATE UT PHARETRA SIT. AC TINCIDUNT VITAE SEMPER QUIS LECTUS. PURUS SEMPER EGET DUIS AT TELLUS. DUIS UT DIAM QUAM NULLA. POSUERE SOLLICITUDIN ALIQUAM ULTRICES SAGITTIS ORCI A SCELERISQUE. ID SEMPER RISUS IN HENDRERIT. RISUS PRETIUM QUAM VULPUTATE DIGNISSIM SUSPENDISSE IN. IN ARCU CURSUS EUISMOD QUIS VIVERRA NIBH CRAS PUL-

4

VINAR MATTIS. UT MORBI TINCIDUNT AUGUE INTERDUM VELIT EUISMOD IN PELLENTESQUE. HABITANT MORBI TRISTIQUE SENECTUS ET NETUS ET MALESUADA. PORTTITOR LEO A DIAM SOLLICITUDIN. ULLAMCORPER SIT AMET RISUS NULLAM EGET FELIS EGET NUNC LOBORTIS. DIS PARTURIENT MONTES NASCETUR RIDICULUS MUS MAURIS VITAE ULTRICIES. TURPIS EGESTAS MAECENAS PHARETRA CONVALLIS POSUERE MORBI LEO URNA MOLESTIE. PURUS IN MOLLIS NUNC SED ID.

URNA NUNC ID CURSUS METUS ALIQUAM ELEIFEND MI IN. HABITASSE PLATEA DICTUMST VESTIBULUM RHONCUS EST PELLENTESQUE

ELIT ULLAMCORPER DIGNISSIM. NUNC SED BLANDIT LIBERO VOLUTPAT SED CRAS ORNARE. BIBENDUM ENIM FACILISIS GRAVIDA NEQUE CONVALLIS A CRAS SEMPER. EGET LOREM DOLOR SED VIVERRA IPSUM NUNC. MORBI NON ARCU RISUS QUIS VARIUS QUAM QUISQUE ID. PROIN NIBH NISL CONDIMENTUM ID VENENATIS A CONDIMENTUM VITAE. NIBH NISL CONDIMENTUM ID VENENATIS A CONDIMENTUM VITAE SAPIEN PELLENTESQUE. SOLLICITUDIN ALIQUAM ULTRICES SAGITTIS ORCI A. ULTRICES SAGITTIS ORCI A SCELERISQUE PURUS SEMPER EGET DUIS AT. TINCIDUNT TORTOR ALIQUAM NULLA FACILISI

I can feel pain now and I like it

Lillian Aregawi / Staff Artist

Volume XXIX Issue 3

HISTORY WILL SAY THEY WERE BEST FRIENDS

Dark Academia is Out; Playground Pariah Core Is In!

Kat Chen / Graphics Editor

to the teacher on recess duty. (You finished the series in first grade, Recess Reject before moving onto more mature Are you a lonely college student works, like Anna Karenina and looking for a new aesthetic into which Lolita.) It’s removing your sweaty you can channel the unresolved rage Keens sandals after that “social and emotional repression caused by facilitation playgroup” in which your a childhood of Suzuki violin and grade school teacher gently nudged your parents to enroll you after you precocious overachieving?

Dark academia is co-opted these mythbusted Santa, Martha Speaks, days by middling institutions like and the tooth fairy during D.E.A.R. time.

Yale, UC Berkeley, and UChicago.

Dark academia will never let you We at The Fed introduce to you: wholeheartedly embrace everything Playground Pariah Core.

It’s giving sad. It’s giving sublime. from elementary school you’ve tried It’s giving psychoeducational to forget as “quirky” and “predictive assessment. It’s reading Harry Potter of genius.” Let Playground Pariah on the lone playground bench next Core be your redemption.

By Dahlia Soussan

QUIZ: Is This a Taylor Swift Lyric or Barnard College Instagram Caption?

By Emma Sullaway

anti-Gyllenhaal

1. We're happy, free, confused, and lonely in the best way.

It's miserable and magical oh yeah.

2. We remember it all too well 3. Fuck the patriarchy 4. Autumn in New York 5. Tonight’s the night we forget about the deadlines, it’s time.

February 2022

6. It's your freshman year and you're gonna be here for the next four years 7. We go back to December all the time 8. All I knew this morning when I woke up, is I know something now, know something now I didn't before 9. It’s officially the season for cozy sweaters, pumpkin recipes, and warm drinks

10. Welcome to New York, it’s been waitin for you 11. Greek games statue in the moonlight 12. If a man talks shit, then I owe him nothing / I don’t regret it one bit, ‘cause he had it coming.

13. Best place to be, without a shadow of a doubt 14. Third floor on the West Side, me and you

OH GOD ! OH GOD !

Allison Zhang / Staff Artist

ANSWERS (in order) Taylor, Barnard, Taylor, Barnard, Taylor, Taylor, Barnard, Taylor, Barnard, Taylor, Barnard, Taylor, Barnard, Taylor

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CUCKROACH

“I’m a Legacy:” Three Questions to Figure Out Whether Your Friend Bought Her Way into Columbia, Her Sorority, or Both

By Ava Young-Stoner Old Tea-Totaller 1. Goose of choice: Does she prefer Golden or Canada?

If her coat of choice costs as much as your meal plan, consider finding her parents on LinkedIn; they’re certainly Columbia alums (and also hiring summer interns!). Bought her way into Columbia. But if her sneakers have that sweet, sweet metallic star, you can feel certain that the Greek letters in her Instagram bio have some family history. Bought her way into her sorority.

2. How does she feel about Elle Woods?

If you’re met with a response akin to, “My dad would never let me go to UCLA,” there’s a high chance her high school tuition cost more than Columbia’s. Columbia legacy; bought her way into Columbia. But, if she claims that, “not all of us are blondes,” she’s referring to her and her mother. Sorority legacy; proudly bought her way in.

3. What are her thoughts on the word “Delta?”

If she sneers at the name and says that, “my family only flies private,” then her parents definitely paid for a new campus library. Bought her way into Columbia and also probably owns an island. If she knows that Columbia doesn’t have a Tri Delta chapter, but says, “they’re nice enough at state schools,” she’s surely fine with a little bit of hazing. Bought her way into her sorority and definitely knows where the best coke is on campus.

Cockroach in Wallach Student's Dorm Only Real Source of Friendship, Camaraderie

By Bayam Shimizu, Blake Jones, Olivia Ruble, and Dalia Etessami Touchdown!

Lonely Wallach freshman Geoffrey Johnson reports feeling relief to have finally found friendship in a renegade cockroach living in his room.

The student had struggled to make friends in his first semester because of both social anxiety and trauma from

living through a deadly pandemic.

Fortunately, when he returned to campus after break his dorm had a new resident: Walter, a three-inch cockroach. After bonding over their mutual love of week-old sandwiches, they quickly became best friends.

Like Linguini and Remy, like Pinnochio and Jiminy Cricket, like Vanessa Bloome and Barry B. Benson, the two have found a beautiful friendship and appreciation of each other. Walter is not only his friend, but a partner in life, who

Olivia Ruble / Staff Artist

6

helps guide him through thick and thin.

“Walter has helped me so much this semester, I don’t think I would have gotten through zoom classes alone in my room without him.”

The two have become so close that they often go out together for the classic Columbia bonding experiences. They go to Mel’s together, ride the Staten Island Ferry, and Walter even called Cava for Geoffrey when he needed his stomach pumped.

“My roof is collapsing, my window is broken, and my desk has two legs missing, but if I report it to Housing there's a real chance they'll get rid of Walter!

In the second semester of freshman year, that's a social risk I just can't take.”

Upon further investigation by Fed staff, it was discovered that Walter was not actually a single cockroach, but an entire infestation of 300 cockroaches. It seems that the cockroaches are sick of Geoffrey’s vacant personality and agreed to take turns hanging out with him in the name of collective self care. We reached out to the infestation for comment, but did not receive a response.

Geoffrey was last seen attempting to hide Walter inside the wiring of a Wallach laundry machine, which rapidly began sparking in disrepair.

cuckroached

Columbia Announces CC Student’s Friend’s Cousin’s Barber’s Niece is Competing in the Winter Olympics

By Olivia Ruble and Zoe Davidson Fed bobsled team Columbia has announced that Jen Smith, a student’s friend’s cousin’s barber’s niece, will be competing in the 2022 Winter Olympics as an alternate for the fiftieth alternate on the US Men’s Ice Cocky Team.

The Federalist caught up with Bella Hindes (CC’24), Smith’s aunt’s client’s cousin’s friend, as she was leaving Butler yesterday and had the chance to ask her for some inside information. Hindes said this about Smith: “Um, she's totally sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's dog walker heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw her do a kick-flip at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious.”

Volume XXIX Issue 3

I’M DONE CRAVING THOSE CRAZY SQUARES

Cinnamon Toast Crunches are Horny Fucked Up Little Freaks Who Eat Each Other Out: A Letter to the Editor

By Matilda Darragh-Ford, Mollie Schmidtberger, and Lauren Unterberger

Renounce sin They lick each other. They get each other wet, and start munching like there’s no tomorrow. Who is the sexual deviant I am describing? Is this the ski team on their day off? No, it’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch. These sloppy, freaky fucks are defying the Lord’s good laws.

Each day these sinners are allowed to continue in their horny, cannibalistic ways, I fear the Judgment Day more.

If the Green M&M has been stripped of her sex-demon kitten heels, why do we allow these tasty teases

to keep practicing the horny acts of hell?! I call upon you, Kellogg’s and the brothers Snap, Crackle, and Pop! When I close my eyes, I see them swimming in sweet, sensual almond milk.

They haunt me. I can’t write the sermons I give to my small midwestern town. How am I supposed to be the upstanding, spiritual leader of this congregation if all I can think of are those terrors of the night.

Please, Columbia Federalist, either strike me down right now or make the sultry cinnamony temptresses less horny.

Either option works for me—; I just need this nightmare to end.

Sincerely, The Reverend Jedidiah

Zoe Davidson / Head Submissions Editor

By Matilda Darragh-Ford, Mollie Schmidtberger, and Lauren Unterberger

bia Federalist, we are disgusted by M&M’s decision: the green M&M makes us horny, and we would like to keep it that way. In fact, all of the M&Ms give us massive tinFixated gles down there. Each M&M has their own With the recent announcement of unique and licentious qualities that make M&M’s new shoe designs, many fans of us at Columbia Federalist horny—, in an the brand find themselves asking questions impartial, journalistic way. For all of these like, “Wwhy?” aAnd also, “Wwhere did all important reasons, we have created a petithe sex go?” Rolling Stone, Tucker Carlson, tion to make all of the M&Ms the dirty little and my dad’s How to Stay Sexy Past 55 branding ploys designed to distract from blog have already all expressed outrage at human rights violations that they really are.

M&M’s recent rebrand. Here at the Colum-

Dani Rivera / Staff Artist

February 2022

Giant Penis

By Matilda Darragh-Ford, Mollie Schmidtberger, and Lauren Unterberger Food lovers After the decision to de-yassify the Green M&M, thousands of outraged, horny, Mars-candy fans have organized and taken to the streets to champion a newer, bigger cause. Meet Team BigRed. Their mission statement: Give the Red M&M a giant penis.

“It’s not just because of what’s going on with Tucker Carlson,” says anonymous BigRedder. “I mean, of course, this is a blow to the whole horny M&M community. But the Red M&M deserves it. He’s been working so hard recently, and I think he’s earned a truly enormous penis.”

She wears sneakers, I wear a jockstrap

Allison Zhang / Staff Artist

Petition to make all the Meet the Movement to M&Ms Sluttier Give the Red M&M a

#BigRed has been trending, and we’ve seen the rise of similar movements including #WidentheButtholeoftheBlueM&M and #GiveGoldfishGiantBazongas.

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Contributions from Gustie Owens, Zoe Vogelsang, Eliza Heath, Lauren Unterberger, Nikhil Mehta, Olivia Ruble, Zoe Davidson, Amelia Fay, Sylvi Stein, Sophie Simons, Dani Rivera.

BALLS

Fed Investigations: Uncovering the Secret Underworld of College Juggling

By Nurasyl Shokeyev Columbian yet humble Over the last six months, Domingo Flamingo, an investigative reporter for The Federalist, has infiltrated the Columbia Circus Collective, a new branch of a transnational organised crime syndicate known as Circus Smirkus. Disguised as a clown-juggler, Domingo uncovered the inner workings of this “violent group” that launders illegal funds across international borders through a network of college circus clubs.

Speaking with Nurasyl Duracell, who for fear of retaliation asked to be identified by an alias, Domingo was able to piece together the appeal that this sophisticated organisation holds

over other shady campus alternatives such as the chess club. “I was looking for a community of like-mimed—I mean, like-minded—individuals who were not afraid to make a quick buck by converting large amounts of criminally obtained funds into legitimate income,” said Duracell. He added that other investment clubs like the LionFund were too risk-averse for someone used to the deathly challenge of tossing two balls up in the air.

Domingo reports that Duracell was last seen in Florida, pursuing a career as a circus animal dealer in a land he knows will applaud his career rather than shame it.

Gustie Owens / Feditor-in-Chief

AND THE WINNER OF THE FED LOGO REDESIGN CONTEST IS.....

Super Bowl Provides Easy Excuse As to Why You're Not Getting Any this Valentine's

By Emily Olson

at 9:45 PM that they couldn’t

Now, you have to delete those

touchdown yourself? meet you at Mel’s at 10:00 PM. No, no, don’t overthink

12 minutes you blocked out

Bowl’s

it. It’s definitely the Super Bowl’s

pure lust and passion, return

unfortunate scheduling for the

fault; if it hadn’t been for this

the condoms that are now

day before Valentine’s Day is

fateful game, you would’ve been

collecting dust back to the

DEFINITELY the reason your

on a hot date with the person

bowl in the Health Center, and

date canceled on you. We go to

from your CC class who pity-

buy chocolates from CVS after

Columbia—it’s a football school

followed you on Instagram after

they go on sale on February 15.

for crying out loud! It makes

you brought up the fact that

It’s fine. The Super Bowl

perfect sense that they stayed

they never followed you back.

isn’t the same day every year, so

up too late drinking, woke up

This is uncharacteristic of them.

you’ll for SURE be getting some

with a miserable hangover and

They would never cancel—well,

on Valentine’s Day next year.

sadness in their heart for the

except for that one time last week.

losing team, and texted you

The stupid Super Bowl.

The

SUSANNAH YEZZI 10

Super

deflate his balls

in your GCal for a night of

Volume XXIX Issue 3

FED LOVES MILFS

THE FED'S TOP WORDLE WORDS SO WE CAN SAY I TOLD YOU SO...

MILKY MILFY MILKS MILKS DILFY DILFS TWERK SMILE

Five Things That Should Count for a UWriting Requirement

By Juliette Bellinson And Gabriela Nogueira Feijo

Pulitzer aspirants 1. Begging professors to let you into their class during shopping week Classes at Columbia fill up fast, turning course shopping week into a bloodbath where no one is spared. Columbia’s Core Curriculum serves to create well-rounded students who can apply analytical and creative skills to the job market. If you can learn to beg for a class like the pathetic little worm you are, you can someday beg for a promotion, beg for shares of a company, and perhaps even successfully beg to be CEO. 2. Memorizing the Beyond Barnard resume action verb list You employed analytical skills, utilized your resources, and collaborated with professionals to compose a wellevaluated resume. You compiled a list of verbs, evaluated which would best persuade an employer, manipulated them into your resume, and successfully arbitrated the dispute of whether or not you should be hired. Congratulations. You deserve UW credits for this. This is the most help that Beyond Barnard will ever give you.

3. Playing Hinge like a video game

A wise man (me) once said that Hinge is the literate man’s Tinder. You’ve sifted through New York's eligible bachelors and bachelorettes. You’ve responded to their prompts in a way that’s witty and aloof, but not so much as to put people off. You’ve even crafted your own profile, explaining in great detail how pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza and how your ideal date is a night in. Good job, you horny bastard. The only way you should be taking UW after this is to a nice dinner at Le Monde.

4. Training your family to use pronouns over break What’s more UW than a proper grasp of grammar?

Once you’ve formulated brilliant arguments to address your well-meaning mother’s qualms about “all this gender stuff,” one could say that you have passed the test of fire. You’ve been properly initiated into our “liberal disgraceful institution’s” indoctrination plan without the help of the classroom.

Darling of the cosmos, you should not be taking UW— UW should be taking YOU. 5. Doing Wordle religiously This one is self-explanatory. You participated in the only fad in the cultural zeitgeist currently that employs knowledge of the English language. Try starting with “irate,” “adieu,” or “raise.”

By Yoni Kurtz Controversial stance on Joe Coffee NEW YORK — Wordle has taken social media by storm, and Columbia is no exception.

Students in Zoom classes have flocked to the popular word puzzle game to kill time and find an outlet for their desperate need to affirm their

intellectual

superiority.

Some Columbia students have reportedly been frustrated by the

February 2022

game’s peculiar design, which

advantage for our children,” wrote

doesn’t advantage them despite

one Columbia junior’s parents in

their parents’ sizable donations to

a strongly worded email. Wordle

institutions of higher education.

did not respond to The Federalist’s

“My parents worked their way to

request

the top, I don’t get why I have to

than writing, “Get a life, this is

suffer!” said a fourth-generation

such a sad headline to make up.”

member of a wealthy England

for

comment,

other

New

Danielle Odigie / Staff Artist

Columbia Students Playing Wordle Not Sure Why Parents’ Sizable Donations Not Enough to Gain Competitive Advantage

family who couldn’t

solve “query” in six guesses.

“After all we’ve done for Wordle, we expect some sort of tangible

Property of the NYTIMES

11

CHEF MAGIC MIKE

BREAKING NEWS: Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox To Name Their Newborn Child “Chef Mike”

By Danielle Odigie

Ferris apologist URIS HALL — Shortly after the news of their engagement, Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox have taken inspiration from Columbia’s campus in the naming of their new child. After a Philly cheesesteak and cup of lentil soup from Chef Mike’s Sub Shop, the couple was so enthralled with the chef that they decided they had to add him to the family.

“We’re having a girl, but Mike seems like a unisex name to me!” said Fox, after finishing off a bag of potato chips.

When asked for a comment, Chef Mike (the adult) started to tear up. “Soon we will have a new gabagool in this world, and she will live up to the family name.”

Witnesses were shocked by the bizarre event.

According to student Cheryl Smith (CC ‘25) “They started doing this weird blood ritual thing. I think they were chanting in Latin, or maybe Italian. The

Op-Ed: I want To Be The Hot, Mysterious TA, But My Students Keep Asking Me When My Office Hours Are

By Julian Gerber Jaded I’m a senior in CC, and I was really looking forward to being the TA for General Chemistry this semester. I’ve always wanted to be that TA that everyone crushes on, but it turns out these students just want me to show up on time for recitation.

I thought that I should maybe play a little hard to get, so I’ve stopped responding to my email. It seems to be working because I have 1,392 missed emails asking me if I’m ever holding office hours.

Dani Rivera / Staff Artist

I mean, it sounds to me that there’s 1,392 people who are down to hang out sometime.

I’m really not looking for much. Maybe just a few Columbia Confessions posts here and there where someone mentions their chemistry TA with the charming smile, piercing blue eyes, and steady hands of someone who’s mastered titrations. So, in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I’d like to remind everyone to keep their TAs in mind. This does not mean I will begin holding regular office hours however, so please stop asking.

Chef Mike Joins Cameo: “I’ll Make You a Sub and Sing Happy Birthday”

By Emma Sullaway

On cameo JOHN JAY KITCHEN — With the recent opening of “Chef Mike’s Sub Shop” and popularity of Columbia Dining’s YouTube page, Chef Mike has decided to connect with his fans on Cameo. After joining the personalized-video-sharing app, he has experienced growing demand. In one video, he makes his signature “Subway” sandwich while congratulating two Barnardgrad newlyweds. “It’s another way to connect with the community,” said the Chef, “I’ve made these videos for everything from Bar Mitzvahs to Anniversaries.”

Chef Mike, the Chef Executive Officer of Columbia

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Dining, is not new to fame. He has been winning submaking competitions everywhere from Hoboken to Staten Island since the fourth grade. Joining the ranks of Jojo Siwa and Antonio Brown, Chef Mike has said that while he enjoys the experience of making these videos, he will always remember his roots over the Verrazano bridge.

Although Barnard only hosts “Big Sub” once a year, Chef Mike says, “To me, every day is big sub day, and I look forward to continuing to share this message for you, your parents, and anyone who wants a video.”

You can request a personalized video from Chef Mike at www.cameo.com/chefmike/CUdining. Subs not included.

DOM OR SUB?

Zoe Davidson / Head Submissions Editor

Volume XXIX Issue 3

WHO THE FUCH IS DEIRDRE

Overwhelmed James McShane Becomes James McShave, Hair-Obsessed Vigilante; Students Fear for Their Locks

By Grace Weinswig, Sophie Simons, and Susannah Yezzi

Long-form reporters

“We live in terror that our hair—our bangs, our highlights, our experiments with wispy mustaches, our pubes for christ’s sake—just won’t be up to code” said one Columbia junior, addressing the Head of Public Safety’s recent slew of hair-specific accosts. This student, who wishes to remain anonymous for his safety, is not alone in his concerns. Fear has rapidly spread across campus as our beloved ex-head of Public Safety, who now demands he be exclusively referred to as James McShave, has become the self-dubbed head of “Pubic (And Other Hair) Safety.” It seems that he who once ensured that none touch a single hair upon Columbians’ heads, has, himself, become the greatest threat to their locks and tresses. Put bluntly, the man has snapped, like a freshly sharpened pair of hair-cutting shears.

When our publication approached Officer McShave for a comment, he had only this to say: “Crime is unmanageable. But you know what’s not, god dammit: hair! I’m just looking for a little sanity in this amoral, entropic void of a world— and hair gives me that fix.”

He concluded his tirade by saying, “I’m the hair-o that Columbia needs, but perhaps not the one she deserves.”

McShave then twirled his impeccably waxed handlebar mustache, and dashed away in hot pursuit of a first-year with evidently self-bleached

February 2022

locks.

Specifically troubling to students has been the sheer quantity of hair related Clery Crime emails McShave has penned to Columbia affiliates since the beginning of No-Shave November: a staggering 2,169 emails, in all. A number of these correspondences are laid out below for your reference:

Clery Crime Alert Petty Larceny On Tuesday November 16, 2021 at approximately 4:30 PM, a group of three assumed Barnard students were seen performing buzz cuts on the Barnard Freshman Quad. I, Officer McShave, confronted such persons—hair thieves, the lot of them!—warning them that the growth process for such a 'do would be awkward, and that they ran the risk of discovering that their heads were, in fact, weird shapes.

The suspects in question were undeterred, despite my statement of: “Ladies, how do you expect to find a husband like that?!” The individuals were last seen exiting the quad with scornful looks on their faces. Please stay alert as we work to apprehend these individuals.

Clery Crime Alert Defamation of Character On Thursday, December 10, 2021 at approximately 2:00 AM, a threatening email was sent to one President Lee Bollinger from an unlisted email account. The letter in question read: “Pres Bo— Or should I say Pres Bald, Pres Bald-inger. We know it’s a wiggggg. You are not fooling anyone Bald-inger.

Dalia Etessami / Staff Artist

Haha you bald son of a bitch.

Everyone’s gonna know.” Our offices are working tirelessly to apprehend the enactors of such vicious, defamatory threats.

Additionally, President Bollinger has asked our office to reaffirm that his hair is “all his own,” “definitely not a wig,” and that he is “genetically gifted with a full, luscious head of hair, he can show you pictures of his maternal grandfather at 93. The old man looks like he has a glossy poodle perched upon his scalp.”

Clery Crime Alert Violation of Dorm Policy On Monday, December 3, 2021 at approximately 11:45 AM, search dogs found evidence of prohibited behavior in McBain Hall

FED LIGHT, BLUE LIGHT

during a routine inspection.

The remnants of shaved, nutmeg brown pubic hair were found in the eastmost shower of the gender neutral bathroom on the 4th floor. This leads me, Officer McShave, to believe that a student attempted to remove their pubic hair with a razor during a shower earlier that day, in direct violation of the recently revised hair guidelines in Columbia Undergraduate Housing’s Guide to Living.

The Department of Pubic Safety has begun questioning residents and searching their rooms for contraband. Rest assured that the perpetrators will be met with disciplinary action to ensure that the traces of hair do not inspire others to engage in similarly dangerous behaviors.

On Friday, President Bollinger released an official statement regarding the McShave situation. In this statement, Bollinger wrote: “Though the university has tried numerous tactics to get McShave to return to his normal duties as a Public defender, including planting hair at the scene of hair-unrelated crimes, McShane continues to insist that 'crime is temporary, hair is forever.'" Bollinger’s statement went on to reveal McShave has been slapped with an indefinite suspension.

Only time will tell whether this will successfully quell Officer McShave’s lunacy for locks.

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WILL SHORTZ CAN EAT MY SHORTS

FED V-DAY CROSSWORD

By Danielle Odigie Edited By Gustie Owens

DOWN

ACROSS 1 Social freshman dorm 7 Month of spring break, for short 10 Nicki stan 14 Microorganism 15 Triumphant cry 16 Purple healthy bowl ingredient 17 Register SIGNUP 18 NFL team 20 Boot brand that's back 21 I just ___ _ lot of ferris pasta" 22 "Murder, She Wrote" cove 23 Butt stuff 24 Justin Timberlake was N ____ 25 Pina ___ COLADA 26 Noun suffixes.

27 Juul, e.g., briefly

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29 Potential owner of burger joint on 111th and Broadway MEL 30 Robert Downey Junior, for short 33 Laughs HAS 34 One of baseball's elite 37 Equal ARE 38 ___ Reps, place to get a minifridge on campus 39 Bleeps out 42 How I beat this UTI 44 ___-Z 45 Columbia Political Review, for short 46 Big Apple colleges 48 Navy man: Abbr.

50 Got a home run 52 "___ Gangnam style..."

56 Neighborhood downtown 57 Take ___ at ASTAB 58 Oft-mentioned "Das Kapital" author 59 European Society for Hypothermia, for short 60 CS majors like to suck on them 61 No butt stuff 63 Nuclear particle 65 Dr. ___ 66 Maybe a note on a candy heart 67 ____-Roll, already mentioned best food spot in the neighborhood 68 Letter 69 Valentine's locale

TSAR, TZAR, CSAR, SZAR, CZAR

1 Barcelona abodes 2 Locale of Senior Night... and a mediocre bottomless mimosa deal 3 Seth, who is a pretty funny actor and likes to smoke 4 Bully 5 ___ Dhabi 6 Easier to pull off in Zoom class 7 Words to live by 8 State that had very public sorority rush 9 Modernize REMODEL 10 Degree from Columbia for many undergrads 11 Mint, Earl Grey, or even shrooms could be in this!

12 Like a sick Carman party 13 Jason of "American Pie" 19 Meg Thee ________ 22 "We're all just ____ in the capitalist machine" 25 Government agency.

28 Light conversation 30 Dope 31 Dr. ___ 32 Gelatinous vehicle for getting schmacked 35 College entrance exam 36 One of Pooh's pals 40 Sitcom unit 41 ___ Mill (California gold rush site) 42 Something Chef Mike could make 43 Damn in French 47 Really good joke, a classic 48 Weather word 49 Italian green sauce 51 Retreats 53 Frenzy 54 Practical joke 55 Car parts 61 Fraternity letters, "Hey did you get turned away by those assholes at Sig __'_ party?"

62 Leftover 64 "Do-Re-__" Answers here:

Volume XXIX Issue 3

You Go, Girl: I Pick Through Fruit Salad to Channel My Womanly Hunter-Gatherer Instincts My fellow fruit-lovers must agree! Nothing is better than Puts bananas in fruit salad being greeted by a bowl of strawberries, raspberries, and Is it shameful to prefer blackberries in Ferris. This is a pineapple to cantaloupe? I top-secret tip, but if you order think not. Actually, I find the Ferris fruit salad, you will it natural to zero in on the truly feel like an animal as yummiest, juiciest selections you pick through the spinach for my picking. Every day, I leaves (I don’t know if it’s enter John Jay Dining Hall like actually spinach tbh) for those it is a mystical forest filled with sweet, sneaky blueberries. berries and shrubs, in which Is this evil? Perhaps. I am a I will methodically gather greedy little fruit-fiend, unable grapes and pineapple to pair to be stopped. with my omelet.

BUILD A BEAR Kat Chen/Graphics Editor

By Olivia Ruble

Happy Valentine’s Day; Pry Me Open Like a Plastic Clamshell

By Elizabeth Meyer Fed resident poet Happy Valentine’s Day, babes.

With this bitter weather, I am a woman wrapped in layers.

When it comes to getting down and dirty, I whisper a seductive mantra.

As you peel down my pants and find—yet another pair of pants, you may be thinking my Garden of Eden is the perfect present.

You are mistaken.

“Pry me open like a plastic clamshell.”

And as you pull down that pair of pants and find—again, one more pair of pants, you may think I’m a woman who enjoys investing in wrapping paper. Again, you are mistaken.

“Pry me open like a plastic clamshell.”

And as you pull down that pair of pants and find—a pair of fleece-lined leggings that require extensive yanking to roll down over my knees, revealing yet another pair of fleece-lined leggings, it will become clear.

“Pry me open like a plastic clamshell.”

I am not a present, nor am I an onion or an ogre. No, babe, I am a plastic clamshell, and I want you to pry me open with the passion and vigor you put into opening a toothbrush or a cheap electronic.

That’s right baby, happy Valentine’s Day. My gift to you is not my body entombed in layer after layer of impenetrable plastic, it’s the act of prying me open like a plastic clamshell.

YOUR AD COULD GO HERE.

Dalia Etessami / Staff Artist

SELLING YOUR EXTRA SHOES? GUM? LOOSE SCREWS? EMAIL US AT CHIEF@COLUMBIAFEDERALIST.COM WE TAKE ALL INQUIRIES TOO

Baha Topbas & Nikhil Mehta

February 2022

Phone home

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