Volume XXXIX • Issue 1 • October 2021
Columbia's Only Newspaper That Still Wears Skinny Jeans
A Dispatch From the Feditors Dear loyal readers and unenlightened fools, We’ve been waiting all summer and we’re so glad you’re finally here! After a year and a half, we are excited to be back in print again. This time, we come with an army of Fed henchman, over 40-strong, pursuing all forms of media from TikToks to podcasts. Most importantly a new crop of readers has made their way onto campus. As we step into a post-Deantini world, we want to take a moment to remember some of our great coverage on the mythical being over the last decade. In 2017 we published our groundbreaking piece: “Cultural Appropriation Alive and Well On-Campus: Deantini Discovers Hentai.” Furthering our commitment to provide students with objective and to-the-point journalism, we broke more news that same year: “Deantini Seen Eye-fucking The Shit Out of a Pigeon on Low Steps.” This issue we are proud to share more exclusive stories on His Eminence. Our issue (and cover) reflect our usual attempt at taking a crack at PrezBo. He’s like the kid in your friend group that no one likes, but no one wants to get rid of for fear of becoming that kid. That is to say that we are glad to be graduating before he leaves this institution. We hope you feast upon our attempt to create comedy. And we hope you know that whether you’re on minute 30 of waiting in line at Ferris, can’t hear in the back row of your lecture, or in quarantine, you can always come read the Fed.
Nikhil Mehta Gustie Owens Feditors-in-Chief Amelia Fay Jayne Magliocco Managing Editors Zoe Davidson Matt Nola Head Submissions Editors
TABLE OF CONTENTS PAGE 3: Spooky Hours PAGE 4: How to Legally Call Dibs PAGE 5: Gatorade Depository PAGE 6: Fed Spit Chart PAGE 7: Call your mom PAGE 8-9: Lines on lines PAGE 10: Rat obituaries
Feditors in Chief Gustie & Nikhil
EDITORIAL BOARD
LEY.
ART H N I NOW
PAGE 11: Classifieds PAGE 12: Bowling tips
ASSOCIATE BOARD Sam Grossman Layout Editor Lillian Aregawi Myesha Choudhury Whitney Deng Anique Edwards Julian Gerber Megan Meyerson Emily Olsen Anjali Ramakrishnan Mary Schauf Lauren Unterberger Submissions Editors
Claire Ponnaiya Events Manager Wesley Schmidt Mollie Schmidtberger Head Copy Editors Elizabeth Meyer Phillip Ruddy Nurasyl Shokeyev Senior Editors Grace Weinswig Jordan Kinard Sophie Simons Phillip Ruddy Layout Team
Kat Chen Zachary Ginsberg Graphics Editors Zoe Vogelsang Online Editor Matilda Darragh-Ford Lauren Unterberger Video Editors Whitney Deng Archivist Lillian Aregawi Social Chair
Yumtso Bhum, Marino Bubba, Ilan Cohen, Matilda DarraghFord, Sophia DiPietro, Dessa Gerger, Blake Jones, Andrew Kirdahy, Thaddeus Lipke, Dahlia Low, Alex Malamud, Sofia Pirri, Harriet Place, Ava Sanjabi, Baha Topbas Staff Writers Lillian Aregawi, Jules Michaud, Zoe Vogelsang Staff Artists Marino Bubba, Myesha Choudhury, Ilan Cohen, Miriam Alvarez-Rosenbloom Staff Copy Editors Dani Rivera, Sofie Matson, Sophie Simons, Taylor Yingshi, Eliza Heath, Stan Liao Contributors
Cover Artwork by Kat Chen
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Volume XXXIX Issue 1
CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP
Report: Classes of 2023, 2024, and 2025 All Think They’re "First-Years" By Anjali Ramakrishnan
first-year The already chaotic homecoming of students to campus has been marked by further confusion over who exactly qualifies as a “first-year.” While there is agreement that the class of 2025 is new to the school, students in classes 2023 and 2024 are reporting that they instinctively follow calls for first-years, from club advertisements to email blasts to overhearing NSOP preparations. “The bedroom where I wrote my
admissions essay on how thrilled I would be to study the Iliad is the same room where I cried as I tried to get through the Iliad. Yeah, I’m no sophomore,” a member of the class of 2024 explained. “I had in-person college for less than six months, and apparently now I’m an upperclassman. Someone could tell me Bacchanal is a music hum composer and I’d have no first-hand experience to dispute it,” a member of the class of 2023 told The Federalist. “The only thing that comforts me is that I’ve had the Columbia sweatshirt Doctor Strange
was wearing in the Spiderman trailer for years. And NOW, thanks to the trailer dropping and everyone running to order it, it is not even unique to me anymore!” While the class of 2022 is not reported to be responding to the term “first-year,” some report that they empathize with the other classes due to the soul-crushing fact that their arrival this fall as “seniors” has destroyed any sense of space or time no number of pictures on Low steps or 3AM runs to JJ’s can fix.
“Someone could tell me Bacchanal is a music hum composer and I’d have no firsthand experience to dispute it.” - Member of class of '23
BE WARNED! This Student Missed Their RA Connect Convo and Now They Live under a Bridge By Matthew Nola & Nikhil Mehta
Under the GWB
This letter was sent by a former Columbia College student. The envelope notably lacked a return address. Dear reader: I write to you a tortured soul. When I was spritely and green like you are now, I would prance and play upon the Butler lawns without a care about the world. One day, I was partaking in a rousing game of spikeball, brownbagged Whiteclaw in hand. I knew that I had a connect convo scheduled for 3:30, but I was hitting pocket every shot, and I couldn’t afford to give it up. Campus clout was on the line. So I skipped it. I fucking skipped it. Fuck. Immediately after my bros packed up, I felt intense guilt and shame. I wondered if I could ever look my RA in the
October 2021
eye again. All they wanted was to bestow their kindness and wisdom upon my youthful being in those 15 crucial minutes. They weren’t asking much of me. But my spikeballfuelled greed and wanton pride kept me from doing the simple task of walking to my RA’s room and having an enlightening chat. And thus, I never fully developed into a successful college student. My beginner’s mind was corrupted. How could I ever partake in My Columbia College Journey™? Naturally, I sought out the ombudsman, but I don’t know what in sweet hell an ombudsman is, so I went to the Office of Admissions. I told them that they had made a mistake. How could they have admitted such a lowlife as myself? They initially reassured me that I deserved my spot at this renowned institution, but then I informed
TAYLOR YINGSHI/ STAFF ARTIST
them that I had missed my connect conversation. Their countenance grew grim. I could see the disgust swell in their eyes. I knew what I had done. I
IT'S FREE REAL ESTATE
could not remain in this place. I packed up my things and left in disgrace. I sought out the only home worthy of someone guilty of such crimes: the shade of a
bridge. Dear RA: if you’re reading this, I’ll be forever indebted to you if you’ll have me for a connect convo.
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BARNARD PROBLEMS
BCIT Announces Implementation of Trio Mobile; ThirdFactor Authentication By Carrier Pigeon Now Required By Eliza Heath Licks Envelopes Following a recent Barnard data leak (caused by a student clicking the link in a phishing email claiming to be a professor offering free money) Barnard College Information Technology has announced that it is switching its security system to the newly-released Trio Mobile. Trio Mobile takes all the things you know and love about Duo Mobile — the frantic hunting for your phone and praying it’s charged when you innocently decide to log in to your email, the causing of a growing line at the clubs fair because the alert won’t send — and adds in the new industrystandard safety measure of a scroll delivered by carrier
pigeon. “We’re really confident that this small extra step will increase campus cyber safety
while not causing too much of an inconvenience to students,” Christine Whalley, head of BCIT, said in a statement last
Lives in a 3BR ;)
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quiet – you won’t even notice them. We also typically listen to music on vinyl, but we can all wear headphones if you’d prefer. And most importantly, we are a shoes-off household, but are open to other people’s personal preferences in this area. I also should say, we are having some issues with the pipes, but we will keep working on unclogging them for when you get here! And finally, in these times, we do want to share that we got the jab! But we still prefer that you’re tested for everything. Haha! If you got to the bottom of this, congrats! You’ll probably fit in nicely ;) Can’t wait to hear from you soon and we’ll talk about a payment plan when you reach out!
Quiz: Is This Student Talking about Eating an Impossible Burger or Eating Ass? "It was already dripping when I put it in my mouth." "Oddly enough, I don’t mind the taste." "Is this vegan? Am I still vegan?" "I can’t believe this isn’t beef!"
MMM NOW I'M HUNGRY
"Wow, this is juicy." "This is too firm, it can’t be real." "This would go really well with a little bit of special sauce. Or a lot." "I’m doing it for the environment."
KAT CHEN/GRAPHICS EDITOR
Hey! Thanks for reading our post! We’re a bit desperate to squeeze someone in this month (preferably non-male!) – the market for this sort of thing is just crazy right now! We are super friendly, work hard, play hard, and progressive. Of course, we expect some small talk, but we are VERY respectful of each other's boundaries. Amenities: medium-hard mattress and bed frame. This is a vegan household so there is no down or leather. A few things to note: we have a cat but can keep her in the other room. There is a fourth, but they’re really
the arrival of your pigeon. Then, 3-5 business days later, your pigeon’s scroll can be retrieved from the brand new Barnard Aviary, which will be replacing the mailroom. Sign the paper, initial the bottom of every page, fill out the form with your social security number, street you grew up JULES MICHAUD/STAFF ARTIST on, and your mother’s maiden name, crumple it up, and throw it on the floor. At this point you should be able to access your email with no problem.” In protest of the new app, some Barnard students have been pushing back by refusing to log into their emails at all. University leadership is unsure how to ask boycotters to stop, since the pleading email they sent had no effect, for some reason.
JORDAN KINARD/CONTRIBUTING ARTIST
Are These Two Looking for a Sublet or a Threesome?
By Gustie Owens
Friday. “It’s really quite simple – send an alert to your phone from your computer, click the green checkmark, and await
Volume XXXIX Issue 1
RUSH COVID BRO
CDC Warns of Delta Phi Epsilon COVID Variant, with a 69% Fratality Rate By Sam Grossman
thinks 69 is funny On Thursday the CDC issued a statement about the Delta Phi Epsilon COVID strain, warning that at 69%, it has the highest fratality rate of any known virus to date. The variant's primary symptom is the irresistible desire of its male carrier to rush the nearest fraternity. Spreading primarily through ping pong ball contact, the CDC issued a recommendation to "keep a distance of six feet from the nearest red solo cup." Indeed, the only known treatment for the Delta Phi Epsilon variant is to rush, pledge, and initiate an infected individual to completion. Experimental treatments like the elephant walk, while controversial, have been shown to reduce symptoms. Social media campaigns praising the efforts of essential greek life workers were promoted at campuses across the
country. "That kind of stuff is really appreciated," said one frat member, "especially because when frats are normally mentioned in a viral social media campaign it's because people want to purge our organization from the Earth." While relatively little is known about this variant, experts believe it originated with Columbia student "brother patient zero" Cornelius Wiggins (CC '22). In early July, he was the first person to return to his frat house since the pandemic began and drank the remnants of a jungle juice cooler brewed 16 months prior. "It tasted a little funky," Wiggins remarked. "But that might just have been because of the dead bat floating in it." A vaccine is currently in the works, though many have expressed hesitation due to unscientific claims that it turns otherwise healthy people into Fed writers.
How Travelling to Italy this Summer Changed My Life By Stan Liao
sort of Midway upon the journey of our life I found myself within a forest dark, For the straightforward pathway had been lost. Ah me! how hard a thing it is to say What was this forest savage, rough, and stern, Which in the very thought renews the fear. So bitter is it, death is little more; But of the good to treat, which there I found, Speak will I of the other things I saw there. I cannot well repeat how
October 2021
there I entered, So full was I of slumber at the moment In which I had abandoned true way. But after I had reached a mountain’s foot, At that point where the valley terminated, Which had with consternation pierced my heart, I looked, and I beheld its shoulders, Vested already with that planet’s rays Which leadeth others right by every road. Then was the fear a little quieted That in my heart’s lake had endured throughout
The night, which I had passed so piteously. And even as he, who, with distressful breath, Forth issued from the sea upon the shore, Turns to the water perilous and gazes; So did my soul, that still was fleeing onward, Turn itself back to rebehold the pass Which never yet a living person left. After my weary body I had rested, The way resumed I on the desert slope, So that the firm foot ever was the lower. And lo! almost where the
ascent began, A panther light and swift exceedingly, Which with a spotted skin was covered o’er! And never moved she from before my face, Nay, rather did impede so much my way, That many times I to return had turned. The time was the beginning of the morning, And up the sun was mounting with those stars That with him were, what time the Love Divine At first in motion set those beauteous things; So were to me occasion of good hope,
I GET IT TOO GUYS- IT'S A SHAKESPEARE REFERENCE
The variegated skin of that wild beast, The hour of time, and the delicious season; But not so much, that did not give me fear A lion’s aspect which appeared to me. He seemed as if against me he were coming With head uplifted, and with ravenous hunger, So that it seemed the air was afraid of him; And a she-wolf, that with all hungerings Seemed to be laden in her meagreness, And many folk has caused to live forlorn!
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YOU SEE NUMBERS, I SEE HOME
Five People From Your Contacts Who Will be Able to See Your TikToks if You Verify Your Cell Number By Jayne Magliocco
Star 67 You decided to finally verify your cell number on your TikTok account thinking this feature would help you recover it if it were ever snatched from your grasp by Russian hackers. While your account still rests securely in your hands, your For You Page is filled with TikToks “from your contacts.” Does this mean they can see your videos, too? Unfortunately, yes.
The following contacts have seen you “shaking ass” on TikTok: 1. Katie, who thumbed her number into your phone while you were both waiting for the only stall in the Mel’s bathroom with adequate T.P. during NSOP 2018. You both wanted to doublemajor on the Pre-Med track, so you thought you’d keep in touch. Maybe you should give her a Linkedin search to see where she ended up…
2. Your SAT tutor from 10th grade, Greg, who made you cry every Thursday at 3PM at your local Starbucks. Your mom always sat at another table within eyeshot of yours to make sure her money was going somewhere valuable. 3. Summer Camp Sarah. She was your trust fall partner in the relationship building exercise and you swore you’d be best friends forever. Her parents bought a summer home in the Hamptons the following year, so you two never crossed
paths again. 4. Mr. Jones, your 10th grade APUSH teacher who the entire class had a crush on. You have his number from your big Spring field trip to Washington, DC, where he was your chaperone and therefore legally bound to give you his contact. You thought about sending a text a few weeks after graduation. 5. Your dad. Get it together.
CANCELLED: The Problematic History of Serf & Turf By Amelia Fay
Chef Mike serves justice Every year, Columbia students gather on Butler Lawn for a beloved tradition: Surf & Turf. But before you young Columbians fill your plates with those fly-infested mountains of shrimp and beef, you should educate yourselves on the painful history behind the term “Surf & Turf.” Many people mistakenly believe that the term is a reference to the meal’s unique combination of seafood (“surf ”) and meat (“turf ”). However,the etymology can actually be traced back to peasant uprisings in medieval Europe. During the Middle Ages, many European societies—most notably Britain and France—were organized into a feudal system. Under feudalism, lords would be granted fiefdoms by the king. That is to say, in return for military and economic support of the king, these lords gained control over a plot of land. Although the feudal system
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ZOE VOGELSANG/ONLINE EDITOR
allowed the ruling class to maintain control over vast swaths of land, it systematically oppressed the peasant class, known as “serfs.” Serfs were bought and sold together with the land they farmed, enjoyed no political rights, and were
subject to high tax rates from their lords. Eventually, the serfs became fed up and began protesting this insupportable existence. Serf independence movements first emerged in Western Europe in the mid-
14th century. Grassroots movements gradually gained traction in various provinces in Wales, Scotland, and southern France, and lords were overwhelmed with demands for “Turf for Serfs.” The document which best
IGNORANCE IS NOT AN EXCUSE
encompasses the sentiment of the Turf for Serfs movement is the zine circulated by 15th century bourgondien activist Guinevere Florian. In it she wrote, “Methinkith it according to reason to granteth us land. Natheless, ere you heareth not our cries, there be eight and sixty in our company, prepared for mortal battle. End thy tyranny!” It is exactly this bloody history that underpins the modern term “surf & turf.” Although its usage developed over time with the growing rights of the serf population— it is with serfs’ later ascendence to the merchant class that we see the spelling changing to “surf,” reflecting their portside residence—the reality is that repurposing “surf & turf ” for jovial events is an appropriation of the toils of the medieval men and women who paved the way for modern workers’ rights. Columbia, I hereby call on you to retire the use of the term “Surf & Turf ” and to give credit where credit is due!
Volume XXXIX Issue 1
SUMMER CONTENT IN OCTOBER
The Fed's Guide to Burnishing Your Summer Resume By Zoe Davidson
"Esteemed Publication Associate" HotVax summer is upon us. Masks are off, fake IDs are out, and more than a few Columbia students have found themselves skipping summer classes and shirking internship work to savor the return to normal. Worried that your preprofessional credentials may be taking a hit? Don’t worry, The Fed has your back. Here is our comprehensive guide to
spinning your libertine activities into an impressive summer resumé. Find yourself spending more time on Tinder than LionMail? You’re just researching the effects of 21st century technology on the sexuality of young adults. Has your Blood Alcohol Concentration been averaging .15 since the end of Summer A?
You’re conducting a micro-study on the bio-medical ramifications of alcohol consumption on the filtration pathways of the teenage liver. Did you plan a road trip with your high school friends? That was an automotive field study of the geological features of the American Southwest. Are you headed to your fifteenth picnic on the Great Lawn this month?
You’re analyzing the enduring genius of Frederick Law Olmsted’s landscape architecture. Is your Instagram littered with photoshoots on Low Steps? Those are genre-defying pieces of modern artwork that blend the formality of Neoclassical building design with the irreverent narcissism of Generation Z’s selfie culture. Stay lazy Columbia Lions <3
“Take, eat: this is my body” says Valentini of the Bread at his Last Dine with Deantini By Nurasyl Shokeyev
Has a cat On the first day of the Festival of Unleavened Bread, the students came to Deantini and asked, “Where do you want us to make preparations for Dine with Deantini?” He replied, “Go into the campus to a certain Chef Mike and tell him, ‘The Dean says: My appointed time is near. I am going to celebrate Dine with Deantini with my students at your house.’” When evening came, Deantini was reclining at the table with the lottery winners and the faculty and said, “Truly I tell you, one of you will betray me.” They were very sad and
began to say to him one after the other, “Surely you don’t mean me, Dean?” Deantini replied, “The one who works with me will betray me. The Son of Tini will go just as it is written about him. But woe to that man who betrays the Son of Tini! It would be better for him if he had not been born.” Then Ira Katznelson, the one who would betray him, said, “Surely you don’t mean me, Dean?” Deantini answered, “You have said so.” While they were eating, Deantini took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to his students, saying, “Take, eat, this is my body.”
ZOE DAVIDSON/HEAD SUBMISSIONS EDITOR
Freshman Jumps Subway Turnstile, Won’t Stop Talking About It By Sofie Matson Only uses OMNY Swipe “It’s not a big deal,” Sam Taylor (CC’25) said of jumping the turnstile during his most recent trip on the 1 train. “Well,” he added, “it kind of is. I guess you could call me a rebel.” Sources say Taylor wore a light blue T-shirt and, on his left wrist, a neon green bracelet.
October 2021
He was en route to Times Square. Four out of five behavioral psychologists believe disobeying laws is the most effective way to orient ourselves in a new and unfamiliar environment. (The fifth is a professor at Cornell). With the start of a new academic year, subway security has likewise seen an increase in fare evasion at the 116th street entrance. What are they doing about it?
“Nothing,” said the booth attendant who’s always there. You know, the one whose eyes occasionally meet yours when he looks up from his cellphone after the next episode of Outer Banks season 2 won’t play. And you swipe your metrocard demonstratively because it’s four o’clock in the morning and you want him to know that even though you’ve been out doing god knows what, you’re a law abiding citizen.
HELP I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP
“Am I concerned?” asked the freshman’s roommate. “Very. When I saw him down there the other day, I asked where he was going, and he said, ‘Nowhere.’” “I was practicing my form,” the freshman clarified.“I might go out for track in the hurdles this spring.” When asked if he holds the subway poles, the freshman declined to comment.
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IT'S NOT WEED
I Thought My Roommate Op Ed: Bunsen Burner My Ass! The Tini Must Really Liked Shrimp Poppers but She’s Actually Remain The Deany Addicted to Poppers By Matthew Nola & Nikhil Mehta
their THIRD article
By Emily Olsen & Elizabeth Meyer snap, crackle, and pop I just met my new roommate and she seems really cool! She’s always talking about different foods and fun cuisines. She recommended we have a poppers night, so I’m running to H-Mart to grab some pans. Thank goodness my roommate’s not kosher — I hope no one on our floor is allergic to shrimp! My roommate said poppers are vasodilators. I looked up what that meant, and she’s so thoughtful! I suffer from IBS, and my roommate is planning a whole night just to clear out my system! I’m bringing jalapenos because I like things spicy. Should we do a panko bread crumb? Golly, I can’t wait! Boy oh boy, my roommate has so many non-kosher, fun, female friends over for popper night!
One of them just barked at me, but I kind of liked it. They all have bottles of 5-Hour Energy, so I think it’s going to be a long night of poppers! Oh no, no one brought shrimp. It seems a little rude that I have to buy all the ingredients for popper night. My roommate told me that no one here was vegan, so maybe there’s an unspoken seafood allergy in the room. We’ll have to have a chat about that later. Two of the girls are kissing. It’s so beautiful how food can bring people together! One girl offers to make me sizzle. I love when shrimp poppers are so popping my whole body feels like it’s on fire! Or maybe it’s the jalapenos. Jalapenos really make me want to poop. I didn’t take the seeds out because I’m feeling a little frisky tonight. A girl told me she likes to be frisky too. I’m so excited to
be making such quirky friends! Oh wow, I didn’t realize my roommate was into gastronomy! She’s so innovative, the shrimp poppers she offered me are vaporized in a bottle. I knew I would encounter geniuses when I got into this elite school, but I didn’t realize my roommate would be one of them! Apparently, you can sniff these poppers instead of eating them! Wait a minute...this is a drug party, not a shrimp party!!! Aw geez, I need to call my mom to ask if I’m allowed to try. A girl just shoved a 5-Hour Energy bottle under my nose. It’s not 5-Hour Energy, it’s poppers! I started to panic and take deep breaths, but I forgot the poppers were still under my nose!! Actually, this is kind of fun. I’m so lucky to have such a crack-alackin roommate.
JULES MICHAUD/STAFF ARTIST
We are deeply saddened to learn that Deantini plans to step down as the Dean of Columbia College at the end of this academic year. However, it is hereby declared that The Federalist, Columbia’s most important publication by leagues, on this 25th day of September anno domini two thousand and twenty-one, will henceforth recognize any future Dean of Columbia College as a usurper and, thereby, illegitimate. Until His Magnificence, The Deantini, passes from this earthly plane
“Hey, I Think I Recognize You From Zoom,” says Sophomore Who Had Your Video Pinned All Semester By Julian Gerber
talks in breakout rooms With the start of in-person classes, the Class of ‘24 is finally able to meet each other in person. The sudden shift from online school, however, has reportedly led to some uncomfortable interactions between Zoom acquaintances. “It’s so nice to finally be able to meet all the people I had Zoom classes with,” said Alice Wilson, CC‘24. “But of course, I can’t tell them that I already know them from a year of spending class stalking
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CAN I HIT YOUR PUFF?
(if he, in fact, ever does so), The Federalist shall regard him as the rightful ruler of this esteemed College. The following was redacted from President Bollinger’s email: “That piece of shit is beloved by all the students, and he doesn’t even have a fun run. I mean, I get driven to campus in an Audi, and he doesn’t even have a car! I’m clearly much more fun than him. And have better hair. This will serve him right.” The Federalist thanks Deantini for his outstanding leadership and commitment to all Columbia College students.
their Instagram, LinkedIn, and Venmo. I mean, how would it look if I told them I know the exact layout of their house just from their Zoom backgrounds?” Josh Haimowitz, SEAS‘24, described the tricky balancing act of nonchalantly pretending you know nothing about someone: “Yeah I’ve tripped up a few times. I accidentally asked a guy from my old LitHum class how his uncle’s wedding was. It was the first time I spoke to him. It really didn’t help that the wedding was four years ago.”
Volume XXXIX Issue 1
Jewish Students Celebrate Return to In-Person Classes by Missing Entire First Month By Ilan Cohen Inscribed in the Book of Life Following a year of Zoom classes, Jewish students eagerly returned to campus this September. The return to campus has meant the return of age-old Columbia traditions, such as first years over-drinking at Mel’s, parents spending $60 on Columbia sweatshirts, and GS students discovering they don’t have swipe access to dorms. Most importantly, however, religiously-observant Jewish students have resumed missing in-person classes for literally the entire first month. “Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, uhh, the other ones. They’re really important,”
said Rachel Himmelberg CC‘24. “Missing Zoom classes just wasn’t the same as missing the real ones. It felt as though I was betraying my ancestors I guess.” During his welcome back address — in which President Bollinger, with absolutely no context or prompting, reaffirmed the school’s commitment to Israel or something — noted the importance of this time of year and the special significance of Fall 2021 in particular: “We are excited for our Jewish students to resume the tradition of missing literally all of September. This tradition dates back to the days of Moses I think, and its preservation is of utmost importance to our institution's history and rich cultural identity.”
THE SCRIPTURE SAID SO
World Hunger Resolved After Discovering Off Peak Hours By Dani Rivera Still in line Columbia Dining is now seeking a Nobel Peace Prize for their efforts to combat world hunger. This news comes on the heels of Columbia Dining’s victory of being rated the best college dining in America by the influential college food magazine, The Dish in 2018. The geniuses behind potato water and THE NUT ZONE have put their heads together to solve one of humanity’s most pressing problems. In total, around 690 million people battle hunger around the world, yet that number has recently been cut in half after a mass campaign by Columbia University Dining. After dealing with the backlash of
long lines during “the crunch” on their own campus, Columbia Dining has come forward with a statement: “For those complaining about being hungry while in a thirty-five minute line for an omelette at Ferris Booth Commons, I would suggest dining at off-peak hours. Try to not come on the hour, maybe try at the half hour instead.” This suggestion was spread around the world in addition to @columbiadining’s “The Crunch” Instagram story highlight, and has made a significant change in numerous lives. It is still unknown how the new “Current Seating Capacity” feature on the University’s dining website will inspire those battling hunger.
Following Success of Choke, Barnard Dean Sian Beilock Announces Upcoming Books Gag and Touch That Lil' Dangly Thing That Swing in the Back of My Throat SOPHIE SIMONS/CONTRIBUTING ARTIST
By Zoe Vogelsang Got a Bucket and a Mop Following the success of her book Choke: The Secret to Performing Under Pressure, a look into the psychology behind why we often seem to perform the worst when the stakes are the highest, Sian Beilock announced plans to publish two new books — Gag: The Social and Cognitive Foundations of Disgust and Touch That Lil' Dangly Thing That Swing in the Back of My Throat: a History of Strep Throat and the Modern Primary Care Physician, an exciting departure from Beilock’s cognitive science foundations.
October 2021
CINDY I LOVE YOU TEXT ME BACK PLS
Barnard students are excited about their dean’s upcoming projects: “I wanna [copy of] Gag, I wanna [copy of] Choke, I wanna [copy of] Touch That Lil' Dangly Thing That Swing in the Back of My Throat!” exclaimed Barnard student Emily Watt BC’23. On her work ethic, Sarah Evans BC’22 told the Fed, “She works so hard — as a dean, as a scientist, and as an author. She’s truly a certified freak, grinding seven days a week.” Gag is set to come out in late spring and Touch That Lil' Dangly Thing That Swing in the Back of My Throat is set to come out in the fall of 2022.
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SUNDAYS • 8:30 PM • LOCATION ANNOUNCED WEEKLY columbiafederalist.com chief@columbiafederalist.com Follow us on social media
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