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Volume XXXIX • Issue 2 • November 2021

Columbia's Only Newspaper that is Distributed to Carlton Arms

THE TEAM EDITORIAL BOARD Nikhil Mehta Gustie Owens Feditors-in-Chief

Grace Weinswig Adam Frommer Layout Team

Amelia Fay Jayne Magliocco Managing Editors

STAFF Ilan Cohen Matilda Darragh-Ford Sophia DiPietro Dessa Gerger Blake Jones Andrew Kirdahy Thaddeus Lipke Dahlia Low Alex Malamud Sofia Pirri Ava Sanjabi Baha Topbas Dahlia Soussan Emma Sullaway Dani Rivera Sofie Matson Olivia Ruble Eliza Heath Sylvi Stein Grace Weinswig Clay Seliga Ben Scherzer Sophie Simons Staff Writers

Zoe Davidson Matt Nola

Head Submissions Editors

ASSOCIATE BOARD Sam Grossman Layout Editor Wesley Schmidt Mollie Schmidtberger Head Copy Editors Lillian Aregawi Whitney Deng Anique Edwards Julian Gerber Megan Meyerson Emily Olsen Anjali Ramakrishnan Mary Schauf Lauren Unterberger Submissions Editors Kat Chen Zachary Ginsberg Graphics Editors Zoe Vogelsang Online Editor Matilda Darragh-Ford Lauren Unterberger Video Editors Elizabeth Meyer Phillip Ruddy Nurasyl Shokeyev Senior Editors

Lillian Aregawi Jules Michaud Zoe Vogelsang Staff Artists Ilan Cohen Miriam Alvarez-Rosenbloom Staff Copy Editors Lillian Aregawi Social Chair Claire Ponnaiya Events Manager

A Dispatch from the Feditors Dear Readers, Readers, Turkey-eaters, Fires, bomb threats, fire alarms, library seats being reserved with a measly notebook, grad students on strike. It’s been brutal: both for the grad students who probably have root canals that need attention and now, even more brutal, because we can’t go to 1020 to complain about everything! This issue we are excited to present our crucial coverage on the strike. The Fed asks its readers, “What even is a picket anyways and what happens when you line them up?” Of course, a Thanksgiving issue wouldn’t be complete without its fair share of turkey content for you to gobble up. Read about them in haikus and articles. Now it’s time to hand in your second round of midterms, pack your bags, and go home and break up with your high school boyfriend. It’s also time to crack open The Fed’s Thanksgiving issue. Peace, Love, and Leave Us on Read, Nikhil & Gustie

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PAGE 3: mold PAGE 4: LSAT preptest 62 solutions PAGE 5: page 11's content PAGE 6: Response Required: COVID-19 Contact Notification PAGE 7: land aknowleedgement PAGE 8-9: sticky pages PAGE 10: definitely not something edgy PAGE 11: page 5's content PAGE 12: itchy rash on groin shit this isn't google PAGE 13: free tickets PAGE 14: tales from the laboratory PAGE 15: apology for the previous 14 pages Volume XXIX Issue 2

HIDE YOUR MASKNE

"We'll Just Kill You if You Don't"- Butler Librarians Crack Down on Mask Wearing

By Sam Grossman

sometimes a mask wearer In response to COVID compact violations in Butler library, Columbia has instituted a new policy to enforce COVID safety measures. "We'll kill you if you “If don't wear a mask," a double-masked Butler librarian with a face shield announced. The policy, which was established in an abundance of caution as a proactive measure, considering the most up-to-date state guidance,

in the fifth floor Robert Kraft memorial guillotine, which is inscribed with the words “keep the compact and keep your head”. Another was bound, gagged, seasoned with salt and pepper, and fed to we can't flatten the curve, Roar-ee the Lion. A third was dragged out of the we'll just flatline you" library and crucified on "If we can't flatten the the sundial. Just this morning, curve, we'll just flatline you," a a group of freshmen were lined Columbia representative said. up six feet apart against a wall One student, who was found and executed via firing squad. without a mask during a routine "We're still in a pandemic. patrol, was promptly decapitated This is for the health and safety

Lillian Aregawi / Staff Artist

while monitoring the situation closely, and following the science, aims to significantly reduce the 0% spread reported in library spaces.

of our community," one student said. At least, that's what we

think she said through her seven masks, lest one fall off.

Horse Adderall “Way Better” than Person Adderall, says Columbia First-Year

By Ilan Cohen & Yoni Kurtz

horse girls Citing recent research funded by the Columbia Republicans Club and clinical trials done in a thirdfloor Carman dorm, firstyear students confirmed that the equestrian form of amphetamine totally slaps. Like hard. “I literally couldn’t stop focusing, mostly on the attractiveness of potential horse mates in Butler, but wow, my LitHum essay is sick,” said Melb. Columbia Health has expressed concern over increased rates of students galloping down Broadway screaming, “I’M A MOTHERF**KING

November 2021

HORSE,” as well as an alarming spike in high school students applying ED to Penn because

“Columbia’s just kinda weird.” “We expect and even encourage this kind of stress-

SHIT HITS DIFFERENT

relieving behavior during midterm season, but it has begun to pose a safety hazard to

the Columbia community,” said a spokesperson of Columbia Health. As is to be expected, an underground market has bloomed for the drugs, especially amongst the members of the John Jay Society, who have expressed their interest in the drug’s possible applications for COVID-19 treatment (please don’t come after us—I swear it’s just a joke guys just a joke). Try the stuff out for your next midterm! It could really give you the edge you’re looking for to score just high enough to avoid an actual Columbia Health appointment for unhealthy amounts of mental fatigue and exhaustion. Roar Lions Roar!

HAVE YOU TRIED MIRALAX?

EXCLUSIVE: Auguste Rodin Reveals "The Thinker" is Just Constipated By Benjamin Scherzer

big shitter In with

a The

recent

interview

Federalist’s

art

correspondent, Auguste Rodin reflected on the self-important over-sophistication

that

the

art world has assigned to his work. “They make everything about the human condition,” he remarked, “It really isn’t always that deep. ‘The Thinker’ is just taking a fat shit.” He continued to discuss how the sculpture was an ode

to the setting in which he had had many of his greatest

inspirations: “I was just going through some hard shit at the time. When you have no choice but to separate your mind from your body, that's when you can truly be creative.” When asked about why deep meaning is assigned to simple pieces, Rodin speculated that it’s “definitely part of a widespread and intentional lie by Big Art Hum to sell more Art Hum.”

Kat Chen / Graphics Editor

OP-ED

Not Enough People Here Know I Was My High School’s Valedictorian By Julian Gebrer

got an A in Principles

I’m a month into my first year at Columbia, and, needless to say, the transition has been tough. Almost no one in my classes knows that I was the class of 2021 valedictorian at Shorewood High School. This past summer, I would walk around my small Wisconsin town like absolute royalty, and everyone would stare in awe at the kid with the 4.3 cumulative GPA (unweighted, by the way). Now, literally no one at this school has asked me how I was able to maintain such good grades while being adored by everyone. I mean, it’s like they just don’t care anymore!

LitHum is especially rough since not even the professor knows I’m smarter than him. I keep trying to bring it up during class, but it just doesn’t feel organic. Last week I wrote a brilliant discussion post about how Odysseus probably wouldn’t have even been salutatorian at my school. I’m just saying, it wouldn’t have taken me ten years to get home. I just hope this op-ed will spread awareness about this issue that’s really important to me. If you’re reading this, please feel free to share my story in any way possible. I will be holding office hours in Butler this week if anyone would like some tutoring from a high school valedictorian.

REPORT: NINETY PERCENT OF DISCUSSION POST JUST PERSONAL ANECDOTE By Zoe Davidson quite experienced Last Monday, graduate student Matt Owens asked his Contemporary Civilizations section to write a 300-word discussion post about Aristotle’s theory of happiness, due on Wednesday at 11:59 pm. Katie Benson (CC’24) submitted her post at 11:57, having written a total of 301 words. According to a Federalist investigation, 90% of Benson’s post was just a personal anecdote about her own experience with happiness. It begins: “Aristotle thinks that happiness is important. Personally, that really resonated with me. Last summer, I decided not to do an internship so that I could be a lifeguard at my childhood summer camp.” Of the remaining 268

JUST BUILDING OFF OF THAT...

words, 238 went on to detail Benson’s “profound” experience yelling at six-yearolds not to run during free swim. When asked for a comment, Owens told our journalists “I guess I was hoping that my students would use the discussion posts to talk about how the ancient Greek word for happiness -- eudaimonia -- is better translated to ‘flourishing’ and therefore modern readings of Aristotle often misinterpret his theory. But like, I guess Katie technically met the requirements of the assignment?” Given that people who actually write intellectual shit for their discussion posts are fucking nerds, The Federalist fully endorses Benson’s evasive tactics.

Volume XXIX Issue 2

EAT THE WEALTHY

Canada Goose Secret Society Plotting to Eradicate North Face Proletariat By Nikhil Mehta & Matt Nola plebeians BUTLER LIBRARY — Dim lights flicker through the tunnels beneath Butler Library at 3:00 am.

All autumn, tensions have been rising between Them and the commoners. The proletariat have taken to Columbia Buy Sell Memes in a failed attempt to make a mockery of Them—in vain, only

Whispers fill the corridors—they

revealing their own inferiority.

seem to be coming from behind the

If one puts an ear to the wall in

walls, but one cannot tell exactly whence. Little do the proletarians above, sleeping ignorantly in their beds, know that the Society of the Patch is holding their weekly meeting in the forbidden bowels of Butler. It is here that they strategize how to raise their brand above all others: they must always walk proudly with their shoulders high and fur ruffling in the New York winds. The red and white patch, adorned on their left side, is indicative of their bourgeois status.

the basement of Butler—in just the right spot—they may hear, “Double, double toil and trouble, / fire burn, make North Face rubble.” Their vile tendrils pluck the coats of the plebeians from their chairs, only to be sacrificially burned at the side of the statue of Pan. The Society of the Patch will soon eradicate all other coat brands. Ye, repent for your sin of purchasing North Face and other off-brands. The Time of the Goose

Alex Malamud / Staff Writer

is nigh.

Manchin, Sinema Hired To Negotiate with Union on Behalf of University

By Clay Saliga

only drinks the blue gatorade

Fresh off of landmark careers of blocking, stalling, and haggling their way to the front of the national stage, Senators Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema have become Columbia University’s newest hires. “We have been thoroughly impressed with their ability to boldly refuse reasonable, common-

November 2021

sense demands,” said Provost Mary Boyce in a statement, referring to the Democrats’ landmark ‘Build Back Better’ proposal. “We truly believe they will be a perfect fit for our negotiating team.” In an internal memo circulated among administrators, the pair were reportedly brought on after “the office environment began to feel a little too sympathetic.”

ANTI-FUR, NOT ANTI-FURRY

TIMOGLEE CHEVROLET!!!

No, I Did Not Attend Five Star-Studded Phillips Exeter, I Own Movies to Watch over A Philips Lightbox Thanksgiving Break

By Elizabeth Meyer

bright in my own way I’m not smart, I just have Seasonal Affective Disorder. That white square on my wall is not a boarding school diploma, it’s a lightbox. When I’m sad, the light gets brighter, but the light has no correlation to the brightness of my brain. Actually, my brain is quite dim. Like the dark, dark winter that sends me spiraling into dismal despair. I wonder if a Philips Exeter diploma would bring me as much joy as my Philips lightbox. I think it would connect me to powerful people in a similar way that my lightbox connects me to the powerful sun during these short

winter days. If I were as bright as my lightbox, boy oh boy, would Phillips Exeter be throwing money at me. Alas, I don’t even have a GED… … let alone an LED.

By Sloane Goldberg & Izzy Szyfer

Oscar nominated 1. Dune Watch a star-studded ensemble including cinematic legend Timothee Chalamet fight their way through a dystopian desert.

Yours truly, An environmentally friendly 2. The King lightbulb Based on the famed Shakespearean play, Kat Chen / Graphics Editor watch the rise of Henry V through Timothee Chalamet’s bowl-cut curls and sexy British accent. Now available on Netflix, you too can watch hot guys in chain mail, like leading man Timothee Chalamet, fight each other for three hours. 3. Little Women Acclaimed actor Timothee Chalamet stars in a recreation of Louisa May Alcott’s classic book adapted by Greta Gerwig. The film received a 2019 Oscar win in costume design, as shown by Timothee Chalamet’s black velvet sweater vest and billowing white sleeves. The stunning score accompanies Timothee Chalamet’s expres-

sive proposals to half of the March sisters within minutes of each other. Oh, and the old woman is played by what’s-her face from Mamma Mia. 4. The French Dispatch Watch Timothee Chalamet sit naked in a bathtub while chain-smoking cigarettes. Critics labelled this film “a love letter to Timothee Chalamet.” There’s also a bit about a newspaper I didn’t fully understand. 5. The Wonka Trailer Sure, this incoming American masterpiece has yet to be released. But don’t let that stop you from looking at a photo of Timothee Chalamet’s chiseled jawline as he eyefucks the camera in a promotional shoot for Wonka until the walls of your childhood bedroom spin around you Timothee please let me go I promise you’re not a sickly victorian child anymore you’re a real actor now please let me go home please

Class of 2002 Disavows Jake Gyllenhaal By Benjamin Scherzer has a Taylor tat David Russel, senior

quickly voted on a resolution to

class president for the 2001-

“He may have dropped out, and

2002 school year, broke down

isn’t really one of us. Nonethe-

in tears after hearing “All Too

less, we must distance ourselves

Well (10 Minute Version)(Tay-

even further from him. As such,

lor’s Version)(From The Fault)”

the class of 2002 Student Council

and resolved to take action.

formally proclaims that Gyllen-

“I couldn’t just sit by

haal and his action do not speak

when I can take justice into my

for or represent the class, and he

own hands,” he told us. At 2:30

is unwelcome at alumni events.”

am on the 12th, Russel convened

Gyllenhaal’s

an emergency meeting of the

declined

disavow Jake Gyllenhaal. It reads:

agent comment.

2002 senior class council and

HOW COULD HE?

Volume XXIX Issue 2

GOT MILK?

As Grad Student Protests Continue, Prezbo Hosts Dramatic Reading of “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” By Safi Rhymenson

of the famed Rhymenson clan President Bollinger presented a vivacious reading of the book he described as “a personal fave” this past Wednesday evening, following his “Freedom of Speech & Press” lecture. The production involved a multimedia slideshow, physical teaching aids – many seemingly cobbled together from products found at University Hardware – and a wide variety of unintelligible gestures. The reading was given in-person to a select audience of donors to the university and

aired live on Zoom to the full student body. When asked for a comment, one grad student in Comparative Literature, who wished to remain anonymous, stated: “I don’t really know. It feels almost a little pointed, like he’s saying that we’re the mice asking for the milk and the straws. But maybe I’m just reading too far in.” Provost Mary Boyce initially declined to comment on the analogy, but she later sent a school-wide email reiterating the university’s commitment to providing its students with proteinrich milk and eco-friendly straws.

Columbia Administration in Panic After Realizing no one Knows Chef Mike’s Last Name

By Max Monical "it's bussin" Earlier this week at a regular Thursday staff meeting, the administration made a shocking discovery: not a single person could recall Chef Mike’s last name. “We were having a great time on Thirsty Thursday — I mean, our staff meeting, until I decided to finally confess my undying love to Chef Mike before I depart for good," Deantini said. "But it wasn't until I started to address the letter that I realized that not a single person knew his last name.” After an emergency staff round-table, Prezbo in his everlasting wisdom diverted tens of thousands away from graduate student dental

November 2021

benefits towards discovering Chef Mike’s last name, but to no avail. “He’s been working for us for so long that no one knows how to ask him,” Prezbo said. “At this point, we’re not even sure we’re paying the right guy. All his paychecks are just addressed to 'Chef Mike.'” The administration’s next plan of action is to interrogate the JJ’s dining staff after rumors that Chef Mike’s last name is stored in the vault with the coveted mozzarella stick recipe. After hacking into the Columbia dining Instagram, The Fed's superior investigative reporters discovered that Chef Mike's birth name is indeed "Chef Mike." The Mike family has been serving Columbia for generations.

Kat Chen / Graphics Editor

#FERRISFOREVER

Kat Chen / Graphics Editor

Contributors: Zoe Davidson,Amelia fay,Eliza Heath,Gustie Owens,Dani Rivera,Olivia Ruble,Ben Scherzer,Sophie Simons,Izzy Szyfer,Baha Topbas,Lauren Unterberger,Grace Weinswig,Callie Wilson

Volume XXIX Issue 2

November 2021

NOTES FROM CAMP

Fed's Guide to Students ' Go Bags By Sophie Simons entitled enough to classify Barnard

Type of Bag: New Yorker tote bag (duh…), along with a New Yorker subscription Color: Was at one point white but is now a strange, almost brownish hue Content: -A variety of crystals -Burt’s Bees chapstick stolen from Duane Reade in a fit of unnecessary mania and passion -Miniature complete works of Emily Dickinson (can be replaced with Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath, Simone de Beauvoir, etc.) -Strawberry and vanilla dental dams that we know no one is really using CC

Type of Bag: Columbia Athletics backpack Color: Gray and blue stained with what I hope to God is Ferris yogurt Content: -Rick and Morty bong -Flex points that Barnard

Students do not have and are definitely not salty about -The Iliad -Unopened condom (virgins, pshh) -Literally nothing else. Not even books or anything SEAS

Content: -2012 Kindle Fire with the largest font size possible -Work from their “real job” -Laptop with at least one hundred viruses -Notebook with 416 prewritten questions for class Teacher’s College

Poetry Corner: Type of Bag: Messenger bag Color: Black, sleek, slender, suave Content: -A PC they built themselves -A wallet full of literal hundred dollar bills and daddy’s platinum Amex card -Anti-anxiety pills OR a 50mg prescription of Zoloft -The fanciest TI-Nspire calculator possible, gifted to them their junior year for Christmas -An extra charger for their crush <3 -An expired condom -A lack of social skills GS

Type of Bag: Some sort of military bag, perfect for storing in the front row of lecture halls Color: Camo

Type of Bag: Sensible shoulder bag Color: Muted brown to make them look more professional Content: -Apples -Mugs -Pencils, probably -Books about teaching that there’s no way they’re reading

An Ode to the Hypothetical Rats in my Walls By Dani Rivera ENGL42069 professor Scratch scratch scratch you go all day But never do you go away You hide behind my Snooki picture Have you ever even thought to whisper? I hear you scurry while I lay If you’re staying here, there’s rent to pay I told facilities all about you They told me there’s not much to do They gaslit me as you stayed in silence Now I’m left with little guidance

Grad Student Worker Type of Bag: Morton Williams bag Color: Doesn’t matter, they can’t see (no vision coverage) Content: -Pots -Pans -Rotting teeth that have fallen out of their mouth

GOOOO BAGS!

I think it’s time I just give up You’re my besties now, hey, what’s up? All I ask is that we keep this distance Other than that, I’m okay with coexistence Now it’s time to say goodnight Stay warm, sleep well, And don’t let the bed bugs bite <3

Volume XXIX Issue 2

NUT ZONE

"It was all about networking": 10 Tips From an Incoming Banker With Two Parents at Goldman By Anonymous standing right behind you As Columbia students approach the revered campuswide tradition of investment banking recruitment season, one recent grad we interviewed had some helpful advice to share with our reporters. Our interview was originally scheduled for 6:00 PM, but was postponed until she left work at 1:00 AM. Here are the key takeaways: “Make sure your technical knowledge is perfect… in making PowerPoints, not financial modeling.”

“Definitely follow a major sports team. You don’t need to care about it, but it makes for great interview small talk. How about them Nets?”

acceptance LinkedIn post in your drafts so you can post it right when you sign your offer letter. It doesn’t hurt to throw in a Bible quote, either.”

“Definitely network with your friends from tennis camp in St. Barth’s. I didn’t even bother reaching out to my girls from Phillips Academy.”

“List every course you’ve taken and the grade you got on your LinkedIn. Even your P in P.E.”

“Join your mom for her 6:45 AM Peloton class, and make sure you stick around for green juice after.”

“Lie on your résumé. Mine says I speak Esperanto—I have yet to run into an MD who speaks it too.”

“Keep the Gucci loafers in the box. I would go for a dirtier pair of Golden Gooses—under $400 if you can swing it.”

“Don’t be afraid to ask for a referral. I reached out to everyone, even my parents. They were a great resource because they have some experience in the field.”

“Make sure you’re comfortable around cocaine. It doesn’t hurt to know a guy.”

“Have your three-paragraph offer

The Federalist’s Guide to Surviving No-Nut November By Matilda Darragh-Ford, Lauren Unterberger & Mollie Schmidtberger

NNN champs 2017, 2019, 2020

Op-Ed: Tie Me Up like a Parade Float and Have 40 People Hold Me Down By Matilda Darragh-Ford, Lauren Unterberger & Mollie Schmidtberger

they sit at the cool table

Sorry Prezbo, but I’m Prezhoe. I’m 8,500 cubic feet of powerful sexual energy, a big Barnard Baddie. I’m an inflatable Snoopy balloon looking for my Red Baron. Show up

1. Cut your dick off

at 5:00 am to get a good seat for the show.

2. CUT YOUR DICK OFF

Everything will be broadcast by NBC.

3. CUT YOUR DICK OFF

A note from the authors:

4. CUT YOUR DICK OFF

Ew sorry this feels icky. It’s hard having so many sexual thoughts and having nowhere to put them but The Federalist. I can’t vent my sexual frustrations to Spec. They’re all lame virgins who don’t fuck or even write about fucking. I wish there was a place on campus to write porn. Like a porn club? Porn writing club? Does that exist? Anyway, I’m horny. Happy Thanksgiving! Love,

Matilda, Mollie, & Lauren

5. CUT YOUR DICK OFF 6. Go to church

November 2021

LOOKING TO CONNECT?

SNAP, CRACKLE, POPPERS

From the People Who Brought You Off-Peak Hours: Try Eating While Standing Up

By Sloan Goldberg

pro at standing Tired of the long lines wrapping around Ferris Booth Commons, filled with those who dared to eat lunch at

noon? Well now you too can experience the luxury of indoor dining by sitting on the windowsill in John Jay or the carpet of Faculty House. “Yeah, it’s better . . . I guess,” said Anna Smith CC’22, balancing a coffee cup on her knee while sitting in a wall

squat in the corner. “At least this way it’s kind of a workout,” she told our reporter. Her friend held an omelette plate in her lap while eating in a high bar chair placed haphazardly at a low table. “I like the layout of the room,” she said, pointing at two circular tables, one with eight c h a i r s pushed around it and one completely Sloan Goldberg bare. Their third friend was unable to comment as she was still standing outside of John Jay while furiously swiping through her iPhone for a photo of the vaccine she received eight months ago.

"Marriage Pact is so Desperate" Says Student Stalking Confessions for Crush Post About Himself By Anjali Ramakrishnan

still waiting for a match An unnamed student has decried the Marriage Pact as reflecting the desperation of Columbia students for connection. “This school is just full of losers who aren’t cool enough to meet someone naturally,” he told The Federalist as he scrolled through the latest bundle of Columbia Confessions and hit command F searching for his name. When his name didn’t show up, the student insisted it was because his admirers didn’t know his name, and one of the anonymous confessions was

about him. “See that? They’re talking about me,” the student said, pointing to a confession describing “love at first sight with a certain ‘Millie the dancing bear.’” “I don’t believe in stupid questionnaires and algorithms to determine your future,” the student declared as he submitted a confession about himself from a Butler computer before waving over a CS major to try to make it untraceable. “You can’t sit around waiting for romance,” he pronounced to The Federalist as he set up his tent in the stacks for the night while he watched To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before for the 116th time.

Poppers Hot New Campus Drug as Students Struggle to Remove Sticks From Their Assholes By Clay Saliga

onion enthusiast Continuing the prevailing spirit of straight people co-opting queer culture, poppers—party drugs that, among other things, induce muscle relaxation—have become the hottest new item on campus this semester. Federalist reporters interviewed students to finger the pulse around this newest campus craze. “Being here for two months, I just felt it was time,”

commented freshman John Doe. “A friend and I had an entire argument about which one of us had spent more time in Butler. . . after that, I knew I needed to get the damn thing out.” Said another: “I left campus for the first time after finally loosening up a bit. Did you know there are places where you can buy sandwiches for less than nine dollars? Crazy stuff.” Some students, however, have had mixed feelings about the new trend.

PAST-PEAK

“So what if I’m uncomfortable around people who are dumber than me?” remarked another freshman. “I came here to study, not to, like, talk to public school kids.” A group of business students made similar remarks: “Working for Blackrock doesn’t mean I’m not fun, okay?” Staff of the Spectator declined to comment, despite heavy reported use.

Volume XXIX Issue 2

WHAT'S YOUR MAJOR

6 Creative Ways to Respond to Your Family Members at Thanksgiving When They Ask “How’s College Going?” By Sophie Simons, Dani Rivera & Eliza Heath

camping in the stacks 1. “I’m the co-president of X club!” Just replace X with the name of any former president and talk about how you initiate campus-wide discussions on hot-button issues. Make it sound super impressive to hide the fact that all the real clubs rejected you. 2. “Everything is very calm and peaceful on campus right now—there are no tensions between students and admin!” You want to avoid Grandpa’s

rant about how “college indoctrinates the youth into socialism” and “liberals get mad at everything”. If you express disappointment with any authority figure, you’re guaranteed to be called an anarcho-communist before the end of dinner. Consider yourself lucky if no one in your family mentions the video from Prezbo’s class. 3. “I have tons of friends!” Make sure to go into really specific detail about a recent conversation you had and strategically omit the fact that it was with a stranger standing

BREAKING: Older Cousin Still Rad as Hell By Matilda DarraghFord, Lauren Unterberger & Mollie Schmidtberger ate half the big sub Your father told you that cousin Ricky just dropped out of business school. That’s pretty cool of him. He doesn’t give you Pokémon cards anymore, but damn if he doesn’t have a cool jacket on. It’s got rips and shit in it. So cool. Also, he fuuuuuucks. He didn’t tell you he fucks, but you know it. You know. Maybe that’s why he dropped out of business school. He smokes cloves he rolled himself, so that’s also pretty

November 2021

cool. And your sister said he’s started listening to The Strokes, so. . . You think that’s a band, but you’re not totally sure. Either way, it’s probably rad. Ricky says rad now, so so do you. Except when he says poggers. Ricky’s mom is hosting Thanksgiving and it’s gonna be a HOT TICKET to get that clove-smelling seat next to him. He doesn’t vote. Neither can you. You’re rad, together, with cousin Ricky. And if you’re really rad, maybe he’ll let you take a hit of his beer.

next to you in the JJ’s line on a Sunday night when it was the only dining hall open. Panicked? Here are some ideas for the “real friends” that you’ve made so far: Randy: He lives across the hall from you and you hang out every day! Best buds! He is cool and older and has awesome sophomore friends! Definitely not your RA! Allison: She always sits next to you in LitHum... and probably not just because of the assigned seating, right? One time, she even asked to borrow a pen. Granted, she didn’t remember your name,

but still… Cal: They were in your NSOP group, and you actually have their phone number saved under the contact “Cal Barnard”. These days, they ignore you in the dorm elevator, but they probably still remember you too… 4.“I’m getting straight A’s!” I mean, a D+ is pretty much a B+ and a B+ is pretty much an Awhich is technically an A, right? Right??

working with some of the networking I’ve already done, too.” They don’t need to know that you’ve gotten six rejection emails in the span of a month, or that the “networking” is signing people in at Dodge Fitness Center. 6. "I love my physics class!" You want to distract your dad from your English/film/ theater/music/gender studies major, so make sure to focus extra hard on that Thinking Quantitatively requirement.

5. “Yeah, I have a pretty great internship lined up for the spring. But I might keep

PETA Not Mad about Turkeys This Year By Matilda Darragh-Ford, Lauren Unterberger & Mollie Schmidtberger

no, you can't sit with them After many years of advocating for animal rights, PETA has apparently “given up.” The organization posted on all of their social media accounts “Go nuts,” accompanied by a graphic of a cartoon turkey carving a Thanksgiving bird with a big smile and a thumbs up. Bo Popkins, CFO of PETA, shared with The Federalist, “We did a poll with our staff and it turns out, no one really likes turkeys.

3'S THE MAGIC NUMBER

How worthy of life can you possibly be if I can draw you by tracing my hand?” Popkins, was, of course, referring to PETA’s new policy of not only condoning, but enthusiastically supporting, the ritualistic murder of these weird-chinned fowls. “We’re still advocating for chicken’s rights,” Po Bobkins, the head of management, said. “Everyone loves Kat Chen / Graphics Editor chickens, they have so many funny jokes and popculture references, like the Chicken Run movie, or why they crossed the road, or playing gay chicken with the bros.” But turkeys? The Fed asked: “Nah, fuck em.”

HARDCORE, BUT NOT THAT HARDCORE

FED THANKSGIVING CROSSWORD If you can't figure it out you should transfer

44 49

55 59

60 66

Broadway 30 "Loot" dramatist Joe 32 Poetic word 33 Labor activist Chavez 36 ____ Roll, arguably best late night eats, connected to arguably best bar 39 Raunchy 41 Stop responding to someone you were courting 43 Fancy "college" many a Columbia British boy attended 44 Japanese noodle 45 Like some beers 47 GPS calculation 48 Intend on 51 XX, on a valentine 53 Map abbr. 55 Rodents home; there are many of these on 110th and 109th and Amsterdam 58 Place to hook up in Butler Library 60 Baseball inst. in Cooperstown 61 Former business school

ACROSS 1 Place you may need to stop before heading to Absolute Bagels 4 "I'm ___ from way back!" 8 OshKosh ___ (apparel company but would be a better name for a bagel store) 13 "Dr." with Grammys 14 -- knot (finish lacing up) 15 '-- Loompa' 16 Sexy '70s fad, short shorts 18 Lease signer; what University Hardware is to Columbia 20 Attic buildup 21 "I got __ _"! (battlecry of grade inflation) 22 Mohawk or pigtails for example 23 Makes waves? 26 English dramatist 27 Chocolate seller on

New York Times Reject

21 23

by Gustie Owens

building 65 Court sport 66 Website for supporting creators, where Blac Chyna and Bella Throne arethe most popular 68 Not obtuse 69 ____ Lions! 70 British slang derived from the phrase "God blind me" 71 ___ One (vodka brand) 72 Sounds of disapproval 73 Your school email login DOWN 1 Diagnosis of Adderalltakers, most of the time 2 "Drop ____", slang for take off those pants kid! 3 They play at Shea 4 ___ moment's notice 5 Home stretch of a relay race 6 Barnard Insurance Plan for students 7 ___ Goddard Space Flight Center 8 "Sorry to ______ you" maybe said in an email to

TYPO-RIDDEN

a teacher asking your third clarifying question about an exam 9 What you say to someone who is standing at Lerner and wants to go to John Jay 10 Prefix meaning ''all'' 11 The best place to do your class readings 12 Useful 17 Condition for survivors, for short 19 "Dracula" director Browning 24 Muscle-builder's pride 25 Earth's crust 27 Campus bar, lax on IDs 28 Cream-filled treat 29 Shoe brand with the greatest old man to trendy arch 31 Mine find 34 "Tell me!" 35 "I got an ___ my test!" (battlecry of grade inflation) 37 Bag spotted heavily on Barnard's campus 38 Much might follow it

40 Onetime Vietnamese emperor Bao ___ 42 Receive strong criticism 46 Circle ratios... or sorority letters? 49 Title character in a "Sgt. Pepper" song 50 Goes from Left to Right at graduation 52 Double ____ (variety of 28-down) 53 Common suffix. 54 Cut of beef, salmon, or cauliflower 56 Pint-sized 57 Forbidden acts 59 Wonn the throne of England in 1016 62 Pasta sauce "trusted since 1937" 63 Familiar with 64 Pill taken by many a student to fight depression 67 Frosh, soph, jr. and sr.

Volume XXIX Issue 2

PURCHASE A FED GAMES SUBSCRIPTION

FED THANKSGIVING WORDSEARCH You should probably just transfer anyway

Word Bank: HAPPINESS, SUNLIGHT, FAMILY, THANKSGIVING, SMILES, FRIENDSHIP, KINDNESS

November 2021

REAL PROS DON'T NEED WORD BANKS

HAIKUS

Written by Turkey's Before They Died

I am a happy Turkey so happy I am Alive. Life is good.

Everything sparks joy Farmer gives me the best food I feel immortal

Happy family Watches me with starving eyes Father looks well fed

Meditation saves I manifest longevity. I find true love.

Happy family Picks me for holiday treat Can’t wait to spread love.

By Elizabeth Meyer 5-7-5!!!

I have found myself. I have manifested good life. I think not of death.

Volume XXIX Issue 2