Issue 4 Feb 2023

Volume XL • Issue 4 • February 2023

Columbia's Only Newspaper that Smooches on the First Date

THE TEAM EDITORIAL BOARD Zoe Davidson Lauren Unterberger Feditors-in-Chief Dani Rivera Fenway Donegan Managing Editors Max Monical Mollie Schmidtberger Head Submissions Editors

Jayne Magliocco Publisher GENERAL BOARD Grace Weinswig Layout Editor Eliza Heath Head Copy Editor Ava Young-Stoner Deputy Copy Editor Olivia Ruble Graphics Editor Molly Durawa Online Editor Sophie Simons Social Media Editor Danielle Odigie Games Editor Juliette Bellinson Archivist Lillian Aregawi Ilan Cohen Social & Events Chairs Amelia Fay Sam Grossman Baha Topbas Senior Editors 2

Lillian Aregawi Julian Gerber Sloane Goldberg Megan Meyerson Anjali Ramakrishnan Sylvi Stein Izzy Szyfer Ava Young-Stoner Submissions Editors STAFF Carl Bock Molly Bynum Matilda Darragh-Ford Sophia DiPietro Isabella Fratesi Oliver Green Yoni Kurtz Dahlia Low Sofie Matson Matthew Pierson Ashley Rapp Dahlia Soussan Xavier Stiles Pailyn Tayjasanant Danielle Winkler Cassie Wu Martha Wyatt-Luth Susannah Yezzi Lev Zeldin Jennifer Zhang Staff Writers Kat Chen Prisha Samdarshi Allison Zhang Staff Artists Molly Bynum Sloane Goldberg Emma Sullaway Staff Copy Editors Elizabeth Barg Fed Tech

Majoring in #beastmode

Letter From Da Feditors Dear Valentines & Days, Re-downloaded Hinge for the millionth time only to encounter men who think they’re gods for going to the same school as you? Still blissfully rubbing your two-year-long relationship that began during NSOP in everyone’s face? Hanging out with the raccoons in Riverside for companionship? Wherever you are on your journey to find love, this issue has something for you! We’ve got content on campus power couples (Chef Mike and Chef Don, anyone?), a VDay gift guide, and even a penis-fountain love poem. And if romance articles aren’t doing it for you, there’s always “CONFESSION: I Did a Sick Flip Turn Out of the Womb and Killed My Twin.”

As you cuddle up with your copy of the Fed in your twin bed, know that you, dear reader, will always be our Valentine <3333

Hillary Clinton Tapped to Teach Design Course Called “Pantsuit Slaying” fashion team say that the ideal candidate is not afraid of shoulder pads and loves monica slayinsky a good kitten heel. Students who can Regardless of opinions surrounding expect to be successful in the course the political standing and history of the should have an eye for monochromatic former Secretary of State, everyone would color schemes and carefully-chosen agree that Hillary Clinton’s sense of style decorative pins. knows no ideological bounds. That’s When Federalist reporters asked why Columbia’s newest SIPA professor Clinton to comment on the new class, and presidential fellow has been asked to she said, “I can’t wait to influence take on the responsibility of instructing the next generation of girlbosses. No an additional course for the Fall 2023 gatekeeping here!” When our reporters semester: “Pantsuit Slaying.” asked whether interfering in the Middle The class will require students to apply East qualified as girlboss activity, they and go through an extensive selection were asked to leave. process. Sources close to Clinton and her

By Molly Bynum

The Fed’s Official Valentine’s Day Gift Guide

By Ashley Rapp & Dani Winkler

Luv,

success guaranteed

Zoe + Lauren

Dearest Barnumbia, Love is in the air! The Fed wants to help you score a public makeout sesh worthy of making every unlucky student in a .2 mile radius retch, so we’ve created a comprehensive gift guide that spans not one, not two, but all four undergraduate colleges!

DISCLAIMERS: The Fed is not responsible for any rejections, number-blockings, or restraining orders filed as a result of the suggestions on this list. The Fed does not endorse the current trend of leaving love notes for your crush to find in Butler. Pricing and gift accessibility vary.

Columbia College • Sound-proofing wallpaper (Those John Jay walls are thinner than printer paper. Blue tape is not included).

• A signed copy of Jeffrey Pfeffer’s 7 Rules of Power (Take back the life that was drained out of you from the core last semester!).

• Tickets to a Columbia men’s basketball game (Who knows, maybe you’ll even get free tuition!).

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PAGE 3: wants, needs, and slays.

PAGE 4: the undead PAGE 5: masculinity PAGE 6: NYSTRONG PAGE 7: administrative matters PAGE 8-9: where am I PAGE 10: looking for love in all the wrong places PAGE 11: a lesson in class PAGE 12: campus updates PAGE 13: mmmmdelicious!

PAGE 14: letters PAGE 15: BURP PAGE 16: its the back what else do you want me to say Volume XL Issue 4

February 2023

SEAS • A TI-NSPIRE calculator (An expensive gift for your bae-o-chemical engineering major.

They’ll pay you back when they get that Regneron job, don’t worry).

• Old Spice deodorant (Or any kind of deodorant for that matter...).

• A Grow-A-Girlfriend kit (Drop her in water and watch her grow up to 6x her size!).

Barnard • Brandy Melville pointelle tops with the tags cut out (It’s thrifted, no label, probably vintage, sorry!).

• A three-month prepaid subscription to BetterHelp.

• A “parking pass” to reserve your favorite spot to smoke marlboro lights outside the gate of your choice General Studies • A foot massage (For the dancer in your life.)

• A box of tasty, decadent chocolates (GS kids get made fun of enough already. Have a dark chocolate caramel-almond chew on us!)

Macey Stancato/Graphics

DEAR BACCHANAL, PLS BRING “ICE SPICE” TO CAMPUS THIS YEAR. I LIKE LISTENING TO HER SONGS IN MY AUDI.

- PREZBO <3

I WAS MAJORING IN UNAFRAID BUT HILLARY MADE ME BRAVE!

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I Lived It: My Father Introduced Me as ‘My Son Who Goes to Columbia’

By Fenway Donegan

my darling boy Well, it finally happened. After completing three semesters at Columbia University in the City of New York, NY, I finally returned home to see friends and family. My father told me that the neighborhood was going to host a New Year’s Day party and that I should come. The party was going to be held on a neighbor’s patio. I arrived excited, only to see my father in a large group of people. When he motioned for me to come over, fear set in. In that moment, I knew I was moments away from being reduced to a prop, a commodity, mere evidence of his accomplishments. Thoughts of meeting the new neighbors and engaging in jovial conversation quickly washed away, replaced with the knowledge that I was soon to experience a horror shared by CC, SEAS, and GS students alike. The smell of craft beer and

homemade queso overcame me. The sight of floral print dresses and flannel jackets began to blind me. The last thing I can remember is my father beginning to say “Hey, everyone, this is my son Fenway. He goes to…”

Zoe Davidson/Editor-in-Chief

The Boy Who Lived...

I Lived It: ColumbiaApproved Therapist Told Me to Walk It Off

By Su Ertekin-Taner

take a lap I talked to my Columbia-approved therapist about my seasonal depression, I was expecting to get some sort of validation, information, medication, or even sedation—instead, nothing. No “Well……….. what do you think that means?” No “You can’t control the situation but you can control your reaction.”

No sagging green couch or blaming my father. I would’ve even appreciated a nice long “Mmmmmmhmmmmmm.”

Instead, my therapist When

simply told me to walk off my seasonal depression. She even wrote a prescription!

Apparently, because it’s “sunny out” and “not even that cold,” and I “kind of look like I need a kick in the pants anyways,” I have no choice but to trudge through Riverside Park every morning. No SSRIs or SNRIs here—just WALKs. At this point, I have no other option than my Columbia-approved therapist. If you see me walking around campus, just give me a pat on the back and maybe an edible.

I Lived It: Hydroflask Dropped in Class, Death Threats Followed

By Su Ertekin-Taner

boomclap the sound of my flask Picture this: You arrive in a brand-spanking-new classroom ready to start the semester. You’ve got a brand-spanking-new professor, a new set of ballpoint pens, a new notebook, and also… a new water bottle that your dear sweet Grandma gifted you for Christmas because you complain about how dehydrated you are.

Anyway, this isn’t just any water bottle. It’s the elite, reliable, precious, historically notorious Hydroflask and you’ve pledged—to your grandma—that you will be drinking at least a gallon of water everyday from that Hydroflask.

Big mistake. And no, I’m not talking about the incessant pissing you’ll have to endure. I’m talking about that loud, angry exterior of the Hydroflask that threatens to destroy your reputation in the classroom just by existing. That ear-splitting clanging just dying to reveal itself at a moment’s notice.

And alas, your reputation dies one day in class.

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While grabbing for your brand-spanking-new notebook, you knock the Hydroflask next to your backpack over and the unforeseeable becomes seeable, audible even. Time slows down as the water bottle tips over and finally crashes, booming against the hard ground. Every single head in the lecture hall—no, in the building—turns towards your frightened face. You are vile, corrupt, wicked! Death notes with letters cut from Columbia’s literary magazines begin to appear under your dorm room. You are frightened and miss class for the next three weeks.

Finally, the emotional

HARRY POTTER

battle of bringing the Hydroflask in or not comes to a culmination: Sorry Grandma, my Hydroflask won’t be making an appearance again.

Ashley Rapp/Staff Writer

Volume XL Issue 4

Alpha's Only

CONFESSION: I Did a Sick Flip Turn Out of the Womb and Killed My Twin

By Grace Weinswig

michael oh wellps There’s something I have needed to get off my chest for a while. I have been haunted by my past for far too long, so it’s time to come clean. I am an athlete. I was born an athlete. I have been an athlete since the womb, and it has been my greatest curse.

The guilt has become so strong that I’m thinking of quitting the swim team. It’s time to tell my story.

My bro and I were tight in the womb. He was a good roommate, not too messy, knew when to be

quiet, and had a pretty good sense of humor. He was the smart one; I was the athlete. I was looking forward to life with him. But I had to go and mess it all up.

I was feeling ready to get out of there, but he was hesitant. We argued and fought until eventually my physical superiority overpowered him. We went into labor. I was so excited by the time my mom got to the hospital that I just couldn’t wait. I tried to wiggle my way out but it’s hard to get down feet-first. Suddenly, I knew what needed to be done. In one instinctual swoop, I shot my head down towards my legs to

complete a stunningly graceful flip turn. I came shooting out of the womb with my hands pointed above my head, ready to take on the lap they call life.

Everyone was so happy to see me.

After a while, they weren’t so happy anymore. We waited and waited for my brother to come out, but turns out my otherworldly flip turn did more damage than I thought.

I hope you can still look at me the same.

Untangling the Storied Past and Volatile Future of Chef Mike and Chef Don

By Matthew Pierson

this town's not big enough for the both of us “They say blood runs thicker than sauce… but for my brother Mike, that sauce wasn’t marinara; it was Italian dressing.” - Chef Don To understand the shocking—yet unreported— schism in the Columbia Dining community, we need to travel back through decades across land and sea to the quiet Italian countryside. It was here that two culinary prodigies were just heating up. Brothers Mike and Don were national cooking champions by age nine and contenders in the European circuit by sixteen. They had what other duos would never be able to replicate: chemistry ordained by blood. It was said that Chef Don would have the ingredients Chef Mike needed before he even knew he needed them. Together they clinched a total of four global championships with their signature sub. Yet in the darkest hours of the night, Chef Don was working on a new recipe that would shock the world.

Forever the traditionalist, Chef Mike insisted they remain faithful to their tried and tested sub recipe for the 2019 championship. While Chef Don had his concerns, he didn’t voice them.

Perhaps Chef Don was right. Chefs Mike and Don were dethroned in the ‘19 championship by two

February 2023

Grecian rookies. This was the first crack in their sibling synergy. While Chef Don suggested they experiment with new foods, Chef Mike disagreed and ferried the pair across the Atlantic to Columbia’s Uris Hall. Here, Chef Mike began drudging away on a fresh take on the classic sub.

“When the world forgets all that the sub has given

perfected the very recipe he had begun in Italy all those years ago: The Personal Pizza. At first, Chef Don wanted to proceed as a pair with Chef Mike, subtly suggesting adding pizza to the menu of Chef Mike’s Sub Shop. At this time, students in Schermerhorn reported hearing explosive arguments between the two break out. On the eve of Chef Mike’s Newest Sub premiering at the Global Culinary Competition, Chef Don announced the grand opening of his new establishment—right next door.

“My brother’s obsession with subs quickly became unreasonable. There would be nights I would wake up to use the bathroom and hear him in the kitchen, slicing bread for hours on end.” - Chef Don Ultimately, without the support of his brother, Chef Mike would take another devastating loss. Chef Mike declined to comment on Chef Don’s Pizza Pi and was not seen at the opening of his own brother’s restaurant. Despite all of the success, according to Chef Don, the two haven’t spoken in weeks.

What could be next for brothers with such an impressive and tragic history? Will Chef Mike stick with subs or reconnect with Chef Don? Zoe Davidson/Editor-in-Chief Can Chef Don be forgiven for abandoning his to them, elevate the sub brother in his time of need? Only time will tell. so none can dare ignore it any longer.” - Chef Mike For now, this reporter suggests a simple solution: pizza For years, Chef Mike continued to push the limits subs. of the sub. Yet in the shadows, Chef Don had finally

ARE YOU A DON OR A SUB?

5

Roses are red, violets are blue...

'But My Emails!' Professor Clinton Speaks out After Failing Duo Two-Factor Authentication

By Ava Young-Stoner & Ilan Spencer Cohen

hackers want your passcodes!

Rumors began circulating on Tuesday afternoon that former Secretary of State and recently-appointed SIPA professor Hillary Rodham Clinton has been unable to access her Columbia email. The former secretary confirmed these rumors on Thursday with a verbal statement: “I click ‘send codes,’ and then a little box pops up that says ‘code sent,’ but then I don’t see the codes.” Federalist reporters attempted to reach out with follow-up questions to Madame Professor, but without an available email address, our team only reached her Twitter

and Instagram DMs. Outgoing University President Lee Bollinger and other university officials expressed unanimous agreement that professors should be allowed to use emails other than their official Columbia accounts.All the while, these same officials agreed that professor Clinton should eventually gain access to her Columbia account. “We’re thinking of a three-factor system for Mrs. Clinton: the password, the phone clicking, and then maybe a fit check.

If there’s no pantsuit involved, then we know there’s fraudulent activity,” Bollinger said.

More updates to come.

the clock is ticking...

Dalia Etessami/Graphics

By Ashley Rapp

poet

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

are you from new york even??

The holiday season is known for heralding wonderful surprises: twinkly lights, overcooked ham, your 84-year-old grandma’s decision to redecorate your childhood bedroom while you’re asleep on the couch. But our collective immunity to once-mild viruses and diseases has reduced in the face of COVID-19, bringing a new set of less-wonderful surprises to your home this winter: RSV, mononucleosis, and now, First Semester Syndrome (FSS). This disease targets young people between the ages of 17 and 18, as well as 19 year olds who have peppered mentions of their gap year into conversation no less than 76 times in the past 90 days (FSS, like the title character from the

6

1988 film Beetlejuice, has particular sensitivities to the frequencies produced by such vocal intonations).

Although symptoms can appear as soon as Thanksgiving break, the infectious period can last up to 8 months if left untreated, causing both the WHO and the APA to classify the disease as a second semester nightmare. In order to stop the spread, both organizations have joined forces with Columbia Health to compile a list for concerned parents and community members of the phrases most commonly spoken by New York’s infected: 1. “It’s just so weird not walking everywhere.”

2. “What do you mean you haven’t read Plato’s Symposium?”

3. “I’m thinking of majoring in economics.”

4. “This song was playing the last time I went to Carroll’s.”

5. “Consulting would be great, but I know someone at Goldman who can put in a good word if I need it.”

6. “Should I call my promoter?”

7. “I actually turned down a secret society last semester.”

8. “Can you walk any faster?”

9. “You don’t understand, I’m going to need a letter of rec from Kamala Harris if I want any chance of getting into the knitting society.”

10. “Have you ever heard of Dimes Square?”

First Semester Syndrome is a highly-contagious and dangerous illness that should be treated with the utmost precaution and seriousness. If you or a loved one is showing signs of FSS, please seek treatment or call 911 immediately.

I just shit my pants and it smells like you :)

Columbia Housing Sends 14th ‘Room Selection Reminder’ Email in Case Massive, Stressful Decision Not Already Front-of-Mind

By Zoe Davidson

‘I Forgot What it Feels Like A Columbia to Be in a Car!’ and 10 Other Valentine Signs You Might Be Suffering From First Semester Syndrome

By Dani Winkler

The end of an era

I’ll be at the penis fountain on February 14th, Will you?

arlier this morning, Columbia Housing sent out yet another reminder to undergraduate students about housing registration. “JUST IN CASE YOU’VE BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK,” the email began, “THIS IS A HEADS UP THAT YOU MUST FIND A PLACE TO LIVE NEXT YEAR.” The email was the 14th message sent to students since the start of the spring semester and the third that week.

“We’re really concerned that students haven’t begun to think about housing for Fall 2023,” wrote a representative of Columbia Housing in an email to the Federalist. “We figured it ranks pretty low on people’s list of priorities. After all, it’s not like it involves any major decisions about friend groups, living

styles, and your social and academic fate for a quarter of your college experience,” she continued.

Columbia Housing has announced plans to add neon lights to the massive posters with registration deadlines already on every floor of every dorm. “We wouldn’t want people to miss them.”

When asked if Columbia Housing had a concrete plan to avoid last year’s chaos that placed hundreds of students on housing waitlists until midsummer, an administrator dropped his bag and took off running. We will update with his comment whenever we find him.

Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor

Some of Presbo’s Columbia Student Body Unsure of What to Hate Most Famous About New President Quotes, Explained tells them what not to like about her. “I unprecendented mean, I heard that she worked for the International Monetary Fund, which is In a shocking report, the Fed found probably not great. But then again that's that all 30,135 members of Columbia’s kind of a girlboss move. Do we not like student body are still unsure of what girlbosses anymore?” reported Ann they should hate about Nemat “MiLynne, a sophomore in the College. Her nouche” Shafik, the incoming president concerns were echoed by Jake Lloyd, a of their shared university. “Finally—it's junior studying economics and politiabout time that Columbia had a female cal science. “I’m happy to see a female president. This is honestly a historic economist reach such a prestigious pomoment,” said one student, who asked sition, but Bollinger said he likes her, to remain anonymous. “But then again, which can’t bode well for Columbia’s I’m sure she’ll do something bad. I read future.” a Forbes article that says she’s a baronWhen asked for further comment, ess, which sounds pretty bad… probaall students indicated that they were bly shouldn’t get too excited… Wait, are ”worried about how [Shafik]’s views you going to publish this?” would impact Morningside,” despite beStudents appear split on whether ing unable to name a single policy posithey should try to find negative details tion that Shafik has ever advocated for about the president, or just wait till Spec or supported.

By Fenway Donegan

By Anonymous

Macey Stancato/Graphics

Volume XL Issue 4

speak freely my children As we say farewell to Lee Bollinger’s legendary 20-year tenure as Columbia’s President, the Federalist is reminiscing on some of Presbo’s best insights:

3. “Columbia cannot rest. There are so many important things to be done, so many areas of knowledge to be explored…”

On doing surgery on a grape

1. “I became concerned that the grids might be misinterpreted.”

On freshmen getting lost on the 1 train during NSOP

4. “There are few things more precious on any university campus than freedom of thought and expression… it should be the principle we live by at Columbia University.”

On cancel culture

2. “Use your ignorance as well as your knowledge for creative means.”

On jumping the subway turnstile in front of a cop

February 2023

NOT MY PRESIDENT

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8 Volume XL Issue 4 February 2023 9

Graphic by Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor

Columbia Announces New Protein-Focused Dining Hall, Chef Kyle’s

By Molly Bynum

it's bulking szn Lovers of Mike and Don, rejoice!

A new chef is joining Columbia Dining’s coveted rank of “I have my own dining hall that makes one specific type of food exclusively and does not have remotely enough seating to support the student body.” Chef Kyle’s will be designed entirely around protein, trying to help students who may normally fall below their nutritional goals when dining at other halls. “Bro, it’s so cool to be doing this,” said Chef Kyle when asked to comment on this exciting endeavor.

“The gains are gonna go crazy.”

Promotional materials for the new hall have teased options like bowls of

assorted beans, scoops of raw whey protein powder, and whole rotisserie chickens, among other foods not recommended by most cardiologists. Beverage options include whole milk and energy drinks (water can be requested only if the student is taking creatine).

Chef Kyle’s will be opened on the top tri-level of Dodge Fitness Center, because they definitely have the space for it, and admin has decided that it’s not hard enough for people to get machines already. The hall will have 10 total tables in order to continue the Columbia Dining tradition of students having to stand and hold their food while they wait for someone else to finish eating. We hope to see you all there—bro-n appétit!

Love and Money...

Top 5 Campus Power Couples

By Julian Gerber

love is in the air As Valentine's Day approaches, the Fed has been scouting out the hottest relationship rumors on campus. Here's the juiciest gossip about the cutest celeb couples between 114th and 120th: 1. Chef Mike and Chef Don Everyone loves that rivals-to-lovers trope! Though the two chefs might bicker about subs vs. pizza, they can agree on one thing: Hewitt is just better.

2. Jean Bollinger and Minouche Shafik Jean has a thing for Columbia presidents.

3. Millie the Dancing Bear and Keggy the Keg Since her public breakup with Roaree, Milly has quickly rebounded with party-boy Keggy, who, when asked to comment, only answered, "twelfth is better than eighteenth, baby."

4. Low Library and Butler Library It's been two hundred years of pining, and Alma Mater is really getting sick of being caught in the middle of it.

5. The Fed and The Entire Student Body You know you love us <3

What to Do When You’re Asked to Lunch on February 14th

By Pailyn Tayjasanant

be chill Okay, breathe. Be cool. That one cute Barnard girl from Intro Java suggested that “we should grab lunch sometime” and now she actually means it. You’ve been waiting for this. But… oh wait… it’s February 14th. What do you do? Lucky for you, we are experts in the first-“date”-in-John-Jay world.

Here is some Fed insight to help you determine if this is a lunch that’s on February 14th, or a lunch on February 14th.

The first thing to note is that it is lunch, not dinner. That’s very considerate of her, because she must know that you take so many classes that you often work through lunch. It means that she’s looking out for you and must care about you deeply.

Next, which dining hall did she pick? You two are eating on campus because she just has so many meal swipes, and the dining halls are more romantic, anyways. If she picks a

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Columbia dining hall, it means she’s willing to cross Broadway and endure lines out the front door. If she picks a Barnard dining hall, she’s basically showing you off to all her friends and exes. Either way, it seems that she’s pretty into you.

Be mindful of what she talks about. Is she telling you about her classes? Complaining about professors?

You’ve hit gold if she starts talking about her current relationship. That means she really wants you and is trying to see if you pick up on the hint. You need to listen closely, because she’s saying syllables that could sound like the syllables of your name.

Bonus: if she only smiles and nods when you talk about yourself, school, or work, it means she is so amazed by you that she is speechless.

Now, this is an important detail: if you go to Ferris, does she get dessert? That means she wants to spend more time with you. Your conversation is so colorful that it pairs perfectly with the blue and pink cheesecake.

Finally, is she walking to a library?

If she’s not heading to one, be sure to remind her of the homework you guys have in Java. You’re looking out for her, and she will thank you for that. She’ll be so thankful that she might even want to continue her night with you in the library, listening to you explain to her all your vast knowledge of computer science. You Zoe Davidson/Editor-in-Chief will certainly impress her.

My two favorite things

Volume XL Issue 4

her majesty the president

The Right Honorable Baroness Shafik Announces First Initiative as President: Reclaiming Columbia in Honor of the British Throne, Returning to King’s College Roots

By Dalia Etessami god save the president LOW LIBRARY—We have just received word from Buckingham Palace that during her reign as Columbia University President, the Honorable Baroness Nemat Talaat “Minouche” Shafik will continue to proudly serve her duty as a crossbencher in the House of Lords and reassert the United Kingdom’s status and influence.

As of late, the strength of former colonial superpower England has been wavering. It began with the death of the beloved Queen Elizabeth II, followed by their Prime Minister getting outlasted by a head of lettuce. In addition, they’ve faced a wave of hatred for the new King Charles III due to his sausage fingers.

The public's response to the release of Prince Harry's memoir Spare was the last straw, revealing way more information than anyone ever wanted to know about the royal family. In these trying times for the monarchy, King Charles trusts Baroness Shafik to help shore up faith and support for British traditions by reclaiming this small token of their lost colonial empire.

The Baroness confirmed the statement via town square proclamation, declaring "From the day my reign begins, the University will return to its former

glory and be known as King's College. We will embrace our royal history, as a godly institution founded by King George II in 1754, and work to bring the spirit of British rule back to our beloved school."

In addition to honoring the past, the Baroness also proposed that the school move towards an Englishinspired campus culture.

The soda in the soda machines will be replaced by Twinings English Breakfast and Earl Grey teas. The only breakfast foods served in John Jay and Ferris will be beans on toast and crumpets. Instead of stealthy gentrification efforts, Harlem will be officially annexed and absorbed into the Commonwealth. The Global Core requirement will be replaced with the course “Great Conquests of the British Empire,” where students will learn about

all the places in the world the British have colonized through the lens of Anglican missionaries. All Public Safety uniforms will be replaced with the uniforms of the Buckingham Palace soldiers. Long may Honorable President Baroness Shafik reign.

Dalia Etessami/Graphics

Three Ways to Thoughtfully Nod at the Person You Talked to One Time in a Class You Dropped

By Su Ertekin-Taner

a complex gesture Everyone’s been there. You had a great, engaging conversation with the person sitting right by you in a class. You may have talked about your apprehensions about the class, the other person’s major, or even how you broke up with your ex-boyfriend because he was cheating on you with a 60-year-old woman working at Dairy Queen.

What I’m really trying to say here is, you formed a bond… only to never see them ever again in that classroom because you dropped the class. You might see them elsewhere, but when you do it’ll just be awkward. You bared your naked thoughts to them and now you are strangers again! What do you do now?

Well, I have the solution. Here are three ways to

February 2023

thoughtfully nod at the person you talked to one time in a class you dropped.

1. Tilt upward: With this tilt you are asserting your coolness that’s been there since your conversation in the classroom. You’re basically telling them that you rode a scooter before anyone else in your grade, you listened to Lizzo before she became popular, and you selectively only apply Burt’s Bees pomegranate chapstick instead of normal chapstick (helpful hint: use #notlikeotherlips on your next Instagram caption, because you may not remember their username, but they sure as hell follow you).

2. Tilt downward: This is the more spiritual approach to a head tilt. When you perform the downward tilt, you’re acknowledging them and everything they’ve done for the world by being exactly who they are even

MISSED CONNECTIONS

though you’ve had one conversation with them. You’re saying “I remember your name,” when you actually do not. You’re also amicably asking them if they would like to do shrooms over some JJ’s mac ‘n’ cheese bites with you sometime.

3. Jut chin outward like a pigeon: The most complex of approaches comes last. If you want to capture their attention, this is the best nod tactic. The “pigeon chin,” as I like to call it, emphasizes the weirdness and quirkiness they didn’t get to see on the first day of classes. For visual guidance, I recommend perching on Low Steps to learn from your pigeon peers. You’re saying you’ve worn your Shein jeans inside out to make a statement about fast fashion and that you pull your toilet paper from the bottom instead of wrapping it around to the top.

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#KINGBOB

BREAKING: Santander Tips for Finishing the Semester Opens New Location in McBain Fourth Floor Bathroom

By Simone Swersky

thriving "One month of school has passed, how will I ever finish?”

If you’ve been catching yourself thinking this lately, don’t fear! Here are eight tips and tricks to make the semester a bit more bearable: 1. Walk around campus until you catch the eye of one of the seven people you know. They might even smile back. Talk about an immediate confidence boost!

2. Get a drink from Cafe East that they pump a weird syrup into. Work through the instant stomach pain and revel in the cloying sweetness. Treat yourself !

3. Break down in tears and force another friend on the verge of a breakdown to listen. Now, you can both cry together. Teamwork makes the dream work.

4. Look out of your window to enjoy the NYC view, only to see a couple hooking up in the dorm across from you. Convince yourself it’s performance art. No one ever

By Julian Gerber

building credit After its incredible success in Cafe East, Santander has decided to open a new banking location in the fourth floor bathrooms of McBain Hall. Sandra Burke, spokesperson for Santander, told the Federalist, “We’re always looking for new ways to connect to students. First, we let them withdraw money while waiting for their bubble tea. Now we’re hoping to reach students—and rats; we welcome all clientele—where they feel most comfortable: the fourth floor bathroom of McBain.”

Students are eager for the increase in banking opportunities with Santander. “I always thought it was a money laundering scheme for Blue Java, but I guess this is cool too,” one Columbia College senior said.

The new banking location will feature fulltime tellers and financial advisors. Students looking to start their own 401(k) or get a mortgage for their house will only have to pass by a couple urinals to begin their refinancing journey.

said all art was good.

5. Lose all of your sweatshirts by wearing them to frat parties you didn’t want to attend. New capsule wardrobe for spring! Marie Kondo would be proud.

6. Enter Butler and then immediately walk out. The rush you get from leaving Butler is unlike any other.

Bonus: you can do this one for 24 hours straight!

7. Alternatively, never enter Butler. Never stepping foot in Butler will achieve the same level of happiness as immediately leaving—it’s just a matter of preference. Do what works best for you!

8. Scream into the void.

It might be cliché, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.

Just not during primal scream, because only freshmen do that now.

If none of these tips worked for you, then you can always try fostering a deep sense of delusion about who you are and what your future holds.

Good luck!

Columbia Dining Plants Chef Don's To Cover SEAS Smell

By Sylvi Stein

humanities enjoyer The stunning grand opening of Chef Don's Pizza Pi, the newest dining hall on campus, has had students buzzing with excitement. Thoughtfully dubbed with a mathematical pun strategically generated to lure in engineering students who are entranced by the juxtaposition of STEM words with food words, the dining hall opened up in Mudd to great success. But why a SEAS building? The answer, says Chef Don, is simple.

"Those SEAS kids just smell bad," he told the Fed. "Probably too busy coding to shower. Or maybe it's just the scent of despair that naturally clings to people submitting

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eight p-sets a week and taking midterms two weeks into the semester."

When asked to discuss the rumors relating to the alleged stinkiness of his students, SEAS Dean Chang reluctantly admitted that the smell may have factored into the placement of the dining hall. "But come on," he quickly added, "It's not like those CC kids are much better. You ever been in Butler right before the LitHum final? Rancid."

Further investigative journalism revealed that Chef Mike's Sub Shop had been placed in Uris Hall to cover up the scent of desperation that clings to business students.

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

WHY MY PP GONE????

Volume XL Issue 4

Yummies for all

Dear Fed: Chef Don Put My Grandma on His Pizza

By Lauren Unterberger

bon appetito Last year, Chef Mike put my (maternal) grandma into his “Grandma Special” sub sandwich.

So when Chef Don opened his pizza joint in Mudd, I started to get a little nervous. Surely another Columbia chef of a new cuisinespecific dining hall would not murder a grandmother and feed the Columbia student body of her

flesh…What are the odds that this precise situation would happen to me, whose other grandma was already consumed by the hungry dine-in & grab-and-go masses?

The odds of that would be crazy.

But never zero.

I must tell you all that Chef Don put my grandma on his pizza.

And it was delicious! Yum Yum Yum! My compliments to Chef Don.

Mental Health Win: My Dog is Off His Antidepressants and Doing Great

By Lauren Unterberger who let the dogs out??

Warning: this is the kind of news the MAN doesn’t want you to read. It’s objectively good news that’s gonna put you in a great mood!

My dog is doing really well, emotionally!

Alfie (my dog) was a sad guy with a perpetual sulky frown and deep, dark eyes that anti-twinkle with the terrible misery-luster that only comes from having seen the Hindenburg crash in person. His bark came out a whimper; his tail seemed to wag in slow motion. So, many

moons ago, he went to a dog psychiatrist and got put on doggie Wellbutrin.

UNTIL NOW! He’s so fucking mentally healthy that the vet gave him the all clear! And he’s killing it! The Fed unconditionally supports mental health and believes that everyone should have the medical access and societal acceptance for getting what they need to be their healthiest and happiest selves, and also my dog is so fucking good at not being on antipressants anymore! A slay! Couldn’t be me, but an absolute slay.

Opinion: Why My Blue Man Group Knockoff Band Should Headline Bacchanal

By Cordell Smith blue is the new black So, the Battle of the Bands happened last Thursday. The student body chose one of Columbus’s most talented musicians to open for what we all know will be some D-list celebrity. I would have been there too, had the Bacchanal organizing committee not said my act was “not so much music, but one guy with a fake moustache weirdly staring at the audience while eating an unpeeled carrot.”

But let me ask you this: do you really want another ~mainstream~ headliner for Bacchanal this year?

Columbia (I spelled it right that time), consider something a little more unique. My “band” (as you non-audiophiles would call

February 2023

it), Two Man Group (ironically named as it’s just one person), produces performance art which challenges the idea of what “music” is. Though our (my) act does feature a triangle and snare drum (played with a clown show), its real power comes from its use of voiceover and projections to ask the audience to reexamine its idea of what ~music~ really is. If the Music Hum curriculum won’t do it, I will.

So I challenge the Bacchanal organizing committee and the community as a whole to take a stance: we do not, in fact, want Taylor Swift, who some claim is in talks to perform, but a true ARTIST who we will all remember for years to come.

Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor

Columbia Blue

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Pssst...

Swipe Right and Swipe In: Dining Hall Dates This Valentine’s

By Zoe Davidson

For the Dessert Lover: Ferris Chocolate Cake Nothing screams “let's take this back to my place” like a dining hall at 180 percent capacity.

For Those Who Want at Least Six Inches: Chef Mike’s Sub Shop Make your date feel (hot, cold, or vegan) special by giving them 15 inches and soup to go.

For the Poor Conversationalist: JJ’s Serving up fried food to equally fried students, this late-night essential is perfect for those who just can’t find the right words. Just hover near the beverages, and the blaring music will take care of the rest.

a long time coming

Dear Blue and White, Let’s kiss.

We’d just be so powerful together. Think about it; a two-color undergraduate magazine that’s old as shit, and a sexy, politically reformed, totally honest newspaper touching paper tips to take on the University, our rivals, and anyone who dares to stand in our way. No one could stop us; our little literary babies would break into Spec’s headquarters with your brains and then rip all their computers and content with my sharp, surprisingly durable teeth. You can go to my dentist if you want to kiss, you know. I’ll put you on my insurance. Wait, is that transactional? I didn’t mean that, baby. We can kiss for free. Promise.

What do you say?

Love, The Fed

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By Molly Durawa

Barnard College is now the only undergraduate college allowed to be referred to as “The College,” according to an official University press release.

The announcement follows decades of Barnard students rolling their eyes every time a Columbia College classmate stated that they attended “The College.”

The decision by the University to transfer nickname rights to Barnard marks a milestone in Columbia’s #feminism era, especially so soon after hiring a female president.

“I remember all of those times when we’d do introductions in clubs, and some CC kids would invariably say they went to ‘The College,’ which, despite seeming like it’s supposed to be a nickname, somehow

For the Romantic: John Jay Spaghetti Move over 1:00 PM Sunday breakfast—this John Jay staple can be enjoyed at dinner too. Recreate the classic Lady and the Tramp scene with a damp clump of whole wheat penne.

By Mollie Schmidtberger

BREAKING: ‘The College’ Now Exclusively Refers to Barnard oh ya know...

chivalry's not dead yet

Dear Blue and White: Let’s Kiss

The New Slang

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

Dear Fed: I'm in Love With the Thinker

By Oliver Green

That face, those strong arms, those sturromantillectual dy legs, that constipated-man-on- theDear Fed, toilet-pose—I wanted him so bad.

I think I might be in love with the I tapped him on the shoulder. He igThinker. nored me, but you know how these inHear me out. I was walking out of tellectual types like to play hard-to-get. my Metaphysical Erotics in Aristotelean So I scribbled down my number on the Constructs class one day when I was back of my CC syllabus and slipped it stopped in my tracks outside Philoso- into his hand with a wink. “Call me.” phy Hall by the sight of him. I stood, I know, I know. My friends keep mouth agape, transfixed on his broad telling me not to get into relationships shoulders gleaming in the sunlight. My with unobtainable and distant men, esgaze slowly trailed down his back, over pecially ones who put themselves up on that rippling sea of muscles. I could pedestals. But I can’t help myself. And feel my heart trying to burst free of my besides, I’m sure this is more than just chest, just like how Kant tried to burst platonic. I’ve already seen him with his free of non-metaphysical morality by clothes off. establishing the categorical imperative.

I coyly sauntered across the muddy XOXO, swamp of Philosophy lawn to face him Thoughtful Thot head on. Oh, what a sight to behold!

It's me, your secret admirer

Volume XL Issue 4

has more syllables than ‘CC,’” Madeline Harris, The College ’23, said. “Now we as Barnard students finally get to unnecessarily lengthen the amount of time it takes to say our school’s name.”

Not all students agree with the University’s decision, though. “This is absurd. If I had known the University could just strip us of our right to call ourselves our rightful name like that, I would have never applied to Columbia when I attended The Academy,” said Charles Buckingham, CC ’25 and Phillips Academy Andover ’21.

When asked about the decision, University officials told the Fed, “After that whole thing where Barnard students couldn’t go to Faculty Hwouse for one day, and Columbia getting a new president before Barnard, we felt like they needed a win.”

Five Ways to Let Your Friends Know That You’ve Secured Your Summer Internship (And They Haven't)

By Dani Rivera humble brag 1. Say “Awwww… I remember those days. You’ll get through it. I know I did!” whenever they mention an upcoming interview. It’s so cute to see them dress in their business casual attire—just like you did two months ago!

2. Ask them to hang out whenever there’s a recruiting showcase/career fair / informational session. It’s nice to remind them that you’re still free if they were thinking of skipping! Besides, these large events are kind of a waste of time… for you!

3. Bring the pen that you got from your freshly secured summer internship absolutely everywhere—and let them borrow it whenever they need to write something down! You’re just helping out a friend. Plus, there’s nothing wrong with a humble brag.

February 2023

4. Post on LinkedIn… and screenshot it and post it on your Instagram story and then post a screenshot of your offer letter and then maybe mention it in your Instagram bio and then maybe wait for someone to congratulate you (then ask them what their summer internship plans are).

5. Bring up fun social plans for the summer, and then say, “But wait, I’d have to check with my internship coordinator. You know, the coordinator for my summer internship? I’d probably have to shoot her a Slack DM. Or maybe an email. Or maybe a text. What does your internship coordinator prefer? Oh, you don’t know? Interesting.”

With these five easy steps, you should be well on your way to stepping on your friends to scale the corporate ladder. You go, future CEO!

Ashley Rapp/Staff Writer

How to Pretend Like You’re Doing Fine This Valentine’s Day

By Max Monical

IS ANYONE THERE??

I wrote this generic headline to distract the Feditors, but I need to get this message out: I’m being held hostage by the Columbia Federalist. I was undercover in the Fed for Spec, trying to find dirt on our greatest rival publication (cry about it Bwog), but they snooped me out. I guess I was “too nerdy” and “cared too much about journalistic integrity.” Whatever.

They say if I convert to their cause and write something funny I can leave, but I don’t believe them. You won’t believe the amount of stuff I found. I can’t write it all here, but it makes Prezbo’s scandals look like Boy Scout activities. I can’t wait to get my 10 seconds of fame on Spec’s front page before my article is replaced by another dweebish opinion piece—something about the queen or wearing masks. I don’t know where I am, but it’s dark and scary here. I can hear them plotting outside about what to do to me. Please someone find me!!!

We might be better than you

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DID YOU READ THIS WHOLE THING??

WOW! WE LOVE YOU! AND WE THINK YOU MIGHT LOVE US. MAYBE YOU WANT TO ... JOIN US???

WE HAVE WEEKLY MEETINGS WHERE YOU CAN COME AND BE FUNNY WITH US! COME GIGGLE WITH US! FOR INFO ON JOINING THE FED, EMAIL:

CHIEF@COLUMBIAFEDERALIST.COM

KISSES!

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Volume XL Issue 4