December 2023 print issue by columbiafederalist

Volume XLI • Issue 3 • December 2023

Columbia's Only Newspaper that Threw It's Back Out Ho-Ho-Ho-ing

THE TEAM EDITORIAL BOARD

STAFF

Mollie Schmidtberger Feditor-in-Chief

Ava Young-Stoner Izzy Szyfer Oliver Green Julian Gerber Lillian Aregawi Megan Myerson Sylvi Stein Submissions Editors

Dani Rivera Olivia Ruble Managing Editors Bayan Shimizu Dani Winkler

Head Submissions Editors

GENERAL BOARD Grace Weinswig Layout Editor Fenway Donegan Publisher Ava Young-Stoner Copy Editor Ashley Rapp Graphics Editor Sylvi Stein Online Editor Izzy Szyfer Social Media Editor Zoe Davidson

Sasha Maroulis Silvana Gonzalez Oliver Green Matthew Pierson Zoe Silverman Julian Gerber Rebecca Jensen Sykora Lila Muscosky Xavier Stiles Staff Writers Dalia Estessami Dani Rivera Lila Muscosky Lilian Aregawi Olivia Ruble Macey Stancato Staff Artists Eliza Heath Lila Muscosky Oliver Green Sylvi Stein Leeza Barg Staff Copy Editors Leeza Barg Lila Muscosky Fed Tech

JUSTICE FOR JULIEN

Letter From the Feditor Dear Frigid Little Friends,

Last Christmas, we gave you our hearts. And the very next day, you gently read us front to back exclaiming, "Wow! What a wonderful paper! I should put it on my wall," or "Haha, very funny! I'll just fold this back up and put it somewhere that someone else can pick it up and laugh too!" Note how you DIDN'T say "Cool paper, I'll use it to clean up the soda I spilled in Diana and leave the wet, soggy, jolly paper to fill with Sprite and die on this table." Please don't do that. We'd be oh-so bummed out, and you do not want to hurt my feelings (please). Please leave a plate of Insomnia Cookies and oat milk out for when I come to your house and deliver this stunning copy of The Fed directly into your bed, with you in it! Call that a home delivery. Anywho, please enjoy good reads tht include many articles begging to be let into classes (not gonna happen, bud), The Twelve Days of Mikemas (where's my Grandma, Mike? I'm starting to worry), thirsting for the Great God Pan (how could you not), and other yap-tastic articles that we wrote instead of studying for finals.

Historians Discover that King’s College was Actually Founded by King Julien By Grace Weinswig

previous owners! King Julien was driven physically fit out of his New York kingdom, and forced Historians made a profound and to relocate his monarchy to Madagascar. striking discovery in the Columbia Try finding that in your history books University archives (on the one day they (and your admissions advertising were allowed inside Low Library in the booklets)! However, students can still find last 100 years), sources say. A previously lost ancient director’s cut of Madagascar traces of King Julien’s King’s College revealed that King Julien XIII, the lemur, on campus. If you look closely, you can is the true founder of King’s College. The see King Julien’s sidekick Mort giggling film showed footage of colonists arriving in the folds of Alma's robe. They left in America, where they heard news of a him behind, and he’s just been chilling lemur king overseeing a thriving academic there since. In light of this discovery, the institution. When the news reached King scripture on Low Library will be changed George, he did what the British monarch for the first time in decades to read “All does best—seize the land and exile the Hail King Julien,” and Roar-ee the Lion will be renamed Alex.

Café East to be Turned into an Erewhon to Recognize 50% Angeleno Student Body By Dani Winkler

Spreading joy like it's a disease,

ms. bieber i love your smoothie!! On Monday, Columbia Dining, in partnership with the Columbia College and Columbia Engineering office for Multicultural Affairs, announced that Café East will be transformed into an Erewhon come Spring 2025. “At Columbia, we strive to foster a diverse, inclusive, and equitable environment in which students, staff, faculty, alumni, and our neighbors can all thrive,” said Melinda Aquino, Associate Dean of Multicultural Affairs. “This extends to our culinary practices, and our new dining hall follows a long tradition of building community and fostering conversations about diversity at the (slanted, overcrowded, creaking) table.” Aquino traces the decision to the rising Angeleno (resident of Los Angeles) population at Columbia University: this past year, 32% of Columbia University undergrads listed their place of residence as the City of Angels (although when pressed about it, more than half shiftily admitted that they live in Los Angeles County, “but it’s like still the exact

Mollie

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PAGE 3: we like to move it move it PAGE 4: the only page with three articles PAGE 5: fa la la la PAGE 6: la la la la PAGE 7: fires a blazing PAGE 8-9: where am I PAGE 10: yolk PAGE 11: fanfic PAGE 12: campus characters PAGE 13: highs and lows PAGE 14: dani's page PAGE 15: almost also dani's page PAGE 16: its the back what else do you want me to say Volume XLI Issue 3

Lizzie Olsen/Graphics

December 2023

same thing”). “We know that for many of our Angeleno students, the cultural switch from the second-most populous US city to the most populous US city can be overwhelming, and scary. We wanted our students to

feel at home when they sat down to dinner, or while grabbing a quick bite between hot pilates classes at the Equinox on W 92nd.” At Café Erewhon, students can sample regional cuisines such as the famous Buffalo Cauliflower, the Avocado and White Bean Salad, or lesserknown local favorites such as Sea Moss Jelly, Maca and Cacao Pudding, and Macrobiotic Mashed Sweet Potatoes. Students can also shop in the market section for fresh produce and superfoods, stop by the smoothie bar for Columbia-themed specialties such as Boyce Blueberry Blasts and Chef Mike’s Mangoccino, or attend a workshop on how to pronounce “Erewhon” in that classic Palisades drawl. To retain authenticity, Café Erewhon will maintain the prices of its predecessor: students will be required to swipe twice to dine in, and products available for purchase start at 30 flex dollars. Barnard students will be able to use their points to purchase items as well, but a 200% surcharge will be applied to their cardholders. Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

ALMOST AS EXPENSIVE AS COLUMBIA

International Students Already Prepared to Face the New York Winter Thanks to Butler Library’s Wind By Sabie Cipriani

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor whoosh

International students, who once claimed that they felt intimidated by the cruel New York winter, report feeling adequately prepared to face the freezing cold thanks to the Butler Library entrance wind. The violent wind coming from the entrance doors (exact source under investigation) has now retargeted its purpose to act as a winter-weather-training-simulation, and has helped international students brace themselves for the temperatures to come. Head over to Butler now to prepare for your finals as well as the cold!

WHOOOOSH

An Open Letter to Dean Sorett: Let Me Into Your Class By Izzy Szyfer Ex-Lin-Manuel Miranda Fan Dear Esteemed Dean Sorett, Let me into your Religion and Hip Hop History class please. I know I’m like 195th on the 196 person waitlist, but pleaseeeee. I would be sososoooo good at it. I know the words to like every Epic Rap Battle of History before 2017. I know you’re busy being the dean of the whole college or whatever, but I’ll have you know that I entered the Hamilton ticket lottery twice a day every day for 6 months in 7th grade, and never once won, sooooo. My point is this: I need

this, and I need it bad. Otherwise, I’m just that person who knows the lyrics to too many useless pseudorap songs. Just let me into your class pleaaaaaaassseeee. I promise I won’t tell anyone if you let it slide. Best Regards, Izzy Szyfer (P.S.: If you won’t let me leapfrog the other 194 people on the waitlist, at least give me a cool Dean-centric nickname for you like we had for DeanTini. DeanRett? SorDean? Help a satire publication out. Ty xx)

I Lived It: Valastro Family Thanksgiving

By Ashley Rapp

Hoboken, New Jersey When you're an out-of-state student who lives far away and your college friend invites you to their local family Thanksgiving, it’s only natural to say yes. Flattery and familial warmth go a long way–especially during this tumultuous time of year. However, do be warned… Such circumstances led me to find myself in Hoboken, New Jersey on November 23, 2023. Upon entering the gaudy Italian mansion, I realized that the Trader Joe’s sugar cookie decorating kit I brought as a “thank you” gift was unwelcome. It would appear that my classmate was an heir to the Carlo’s Bake Shop fortune, of TLC Cake Boss fame. Not only was the traditional Thanksgiving meal supplemented with an entirely cake-constructed cornucopia, which held fondant renditions of each Thanksgiving dish, but most of it was PVC pipe?! At one point, I reached for the candle-lit centerpiece, to create table space, and discovered that the table display was, in fact, made of cake as well. Apparently, that’s

something her dad does? Adding fire and electrical rigs to his cakes? Which are still “safe to eat?” Nonetheless, I gnawed around wooden dowels, wooden planks, PVC pipe, and mechanical riggs to enjoy a lofty rice crispy treat covered in fondant and modeling chocolate. At the end of the night, her dad insisted on playing a round of bowling in their in-home bowling alley. When I rolled a great game and won, he insisted that I couldn’t have won or beat him because “he’s the cake boss;” I tried to explain to him that such a clause is only valid under New York state law, where Cake Bosses famously have legal immunity. Anyways, I

HIYA BUDDY

offered to play him in another game but then he got sucked into the ball retrieval machine? I have tons of leftovers though!

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

Volume XLI Issue 3

THE ___ SONG EVER

Columbia Announces Waitlists for Waitlists: An Equitable Registration Policy By Sasha Maroulis

progress? With students constantly decrying Columbia’s seemingly rigged class registration system, the university has announced its new strategy for ensuring that as many students get their desired classes as possible: waitlists for waitlists. This system will set a cap on the number of students who can be on a waitlist for a class. Then, once the waitlist

is filled up, remaining interested students will add themselves to a waitlist for the waitlist. Columbia has also announced that, in the event that the secondary waitlists get too long, they may implement a waitlist for the waitlist waitlists. The Fed received comments from Executive Registration Supervisor Richie Lesclown, who insisted we call him Dick: “At the end of the day, the expensive price tag of a university like Columbia

needs to be justified, and waitlist waitlists do just that by providing transparency. You may not get into any classes you’d ever want, but at least you’ll know that you just *barely* missed it. There’s something beautiful in that.” We thank Dick and all the wonderful staff who work tirelessly to ensure that the backbone of the college education, the waitlist, remains a core part of the Columbia academic experience.

The Twelve Days of Mikesmas: an Ode to Chef Mike’s Sub Shop By Oliver Green

read it all i dare you On the first day of Mikesmas, my meal swipe gave to me, A grandma special that’s really yummy. On the second day of Mikesmas, my meal swipe gave to me, Two awesome shirts, And a grandma special that’s really yummy. On the third day of Mikesmas, my meal swipe gave to me, Three hot specials, Two awesome shirts, And a grandma special that’s really yummy. On the fourth day of Mikesmas, my meal swipe gave to me, Four different spreads, Three hot specials, Two awesome shirts, And a grandma special that’s really yummy. On the fifth day of Mikesmas, my meal swipe gave to me, Five bowls of soup, Four different spreads, Three hot specials, Two awesome shirts, And a grandma special that’s really yummy. On the sixth day of Mikesmas, my meal swipe gave to me, Six plastic apples, Five bowls of soup, Four different spreads, Three hot specials, Two awesome shirts, And a grandma special that’s really yummy. On the seventh day of Mikesmas, my meal swipe gave to me, Seven chocolate muffins, Six plastic apples, Five bowls of soup, Four different spreads, Three hot specials,

December 2023

Two awesome shirts, And a grandma special that’s really yummy. On the eighth day of Mikesmas, my meal swipe gave to me, Eight unripened bananas, Seven chocolate muffins, Six plastic apples, Five bowls of soup, Four different spreads, Three hot specials, Em Bennett/Graphics

Two awesome shirts, And a grandma special that’s really yummy. On the ninth day of Mikesmas, my meal swipe gave to me, Nine secret pickles that aren’t on the menu, Eight unripened banana,s Seven chocolate muffins, Six plastic apples, Five bowls of soup, Four different spreads,

YOU DECIDE....

Three hot specials, Two awesome shirts, And a grandma special that’s really yummy. On the tenth day of Mikesmas, my meal swipe gave to me, Ten refills of soda, Nine secret pickles that aren’t on the menu, Eight unripened bananas, Seven chocolate muffins, Six plastic apples, Five bowls of soup, Four different spreads, Three hot specials, Two awesome shirts, And a grandma special that’s really yummy. On the eleventh day of Mikesmas, my meal swipe gave to me, Eleven bags of chips hidden in my bag, Ten refills of soda, Nine secret pickles that aren’t on the menu, Eight unripened bananas, Seven chocolate muffins, Six plastic apples, Five bowls of soup, Four different spreads, Three hot specials, Two awesome shirts, And a grandma special that’s really yummy. On the twelfth day of Mikesmas, my meal swipe gave to me, Twelve banana peppers, Eleven bags of chips hidden in my bag, Ten refills of soda, Nine secret pickles that aren’t on the menu, Eight unripened bananas, Seven chocolate muffins, Six plastic apples, Five bowls of soup, Four different spreads, Three hot specials, Two awesome shirts, And a grandma special that’s really yummy.

One Cold Brew please

Guy Who ‘Knows a Spot’ Takes You to Joe Coffee By Zoe Silverman a hidden gem On a crisp Monday afternoon, as the falling leaves scattered across Low Steps, I ran into a boy. Tastefully dressed in SigEp merchandise, a long trench coat layered over his specially printed homecoming t-shirt, and an enchanting European accent, he barreled right into me. I was so startled that I accidentally dropped my Principles of Economics textbook. He gracefully swept it off the ground and bestowed it in my arms. “I also fuck with Econ,” he whispered in my ear. We hit it off immediately. He walked me all the way to Schermerhorn and we discussed family (his dad owns Deutsche Bank), friends (“You have to try doing cool drugs in my frat basement sometime, it's so fucking cool!”), and he’s single (but hook-

ing up with three of my friends). He was so sweet and genuine, unlike any boy I’d ever met before, and he has to be smart if he goes here, right? He finally asked me on a date while we waited thirty minutes for the Schermerhorn elevator. He said he knew somewhere special as he placed his hand on the small of my back in a public classroom building and looked me in the eye while murmuring in his endearing European accent that “They serve the most incredible coffee you’ll ever try.” He was so prestigious and worldly, and I felt so small in his eyes. The next day he met me on Low Steps because he said my dorm was way too far to pick me up from. He walked me approximately one minute across campus to Joe Coffee. It was so original and thoughtful. I think I am in love with him.

no time like the present

If there’s two things you can count on being asked during the holidays, they are: “What are you studying?” and “Oh… and what are you planning on doing with that?” And yeah, you could gracefully bow your head and admit you can’t do anything with a Religion degree and will probably end up begging your mother’s-cousin’s-boss’s-sister for a consulting gig, or you could have some fun. Next time Grandma tells you that you’ve gained weight in your ankles, tell her all that you’ve learned in one of these Fed-ified Columbia courses:

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

ANTH-BC3401 Holding Two Truths: Honoring the Place of Flat-Earthers in American Geologic Culture EESC-UN2500 Climate Justice and Urban Planning: The Socio-Political Implications of Concrete EDUC-BC2381 Communism4Kidz: Social Movements for Impressionable Audiences HIST-GU4401 Tops, Bottoms, and Federalists: Queer Icons in Early America

COMS-BC1002 Computational Methods for the NYTimes Mini Crossword (counts for Thinking Locally distributional requirement)

Relational Practices

POLI-UN1011 Socialism 101: Unionizing Your Instagram Followers

ENGL-BC3426 FanFiction, Smut, and Sexual Liberation Through Writing (Workshop; Application Required)

ENGL-UN2401 Trees

ECON-BC3400 Why We <3 Taxes

Em Bennett/Graphics

PSYC-GR6000 Self Pleasure and the Female Orgasm NSBV-BC4322 GoogooGaga: Analyzing Effects of Lady Gaga’s Discography on Developing Brains WMST-GU3800 Microbangs, Mullets, and More: the History of Hair at Your HWC HIST-UN2476 War Criminals: Why Grandpappy May Not Have Been Such A Great Guy ANTH-BC1000 Into to Polyamory and Alternative

GRAMPAPPY'S NOT HAPPY

The Fed Investigates: Why is The Great God Pan So Sexy?

By Lizzie Olsen is it hot in here?

Disappointing Your Parents, Alarming Your Grandparents: Faux Classes to Convince the Family You're Fighting With That They're Wasting 80K By Dani Winkler, Ashley Rapp & Dani Rivera

Old Staples

Volume XLI Issue 3

We’ve all seen it: maybe we’re a little touch-starved or maybe the sun is hitting his sculpted bronze body at just the right angle, but there is no denying that the statue on the lawn outside of Lewisohn is definitely giving fuck-me eyes. Commissioned by an heir to the Singer Sewing Machine fortune in 1895, The Great God Pan was sculpted by American artist George Grey Barnard (shockingly unrelated to the Barnard Barnard). Upon seeing how irresistibly Barnard had sculpted Pan’s washboard abs, sultry dangling hooves, and, frankly, erotic method of playing his funky lil flute, the Singer Sewing Machine family decided that it would be selfish to keep such a smutty depiction of the DILF-y satyr away from the horny New York public of the 19th century and loaned the statue to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Traveling on the Met’s dime, Barnard

lugged his 4,300 pound hunk of bronze to be exhibited on the Champs-Elysées for six months so that the French could experience the raw, sexual fire behind his eyes and tuck him away in their spank banks. Completing his world tour, Pan was returned to New York where he was eventually installed on the Lewisohn lawn and where he remains, to this day, inadvertently getting GS students (and the Local Guide on Google Maps who gave him a 5/5 star rating and uploaded a close-up shot of his toned ass) all hot and heavy as they catch a glimpse of his rockin’ bod outside the window of their student lounge. TL;DR: It’s because he did a semester abroad in France.

Silvana Gonzalez/Graphics

Average Book in Butler Not as Old as Your Mom By Sasha Maroulis

yo momma Butler Library staff recently switched file-organizing systems and discovered that the average book in the library is not as old as your mom. The Federalist spoke with the head of the project, Brooke Worm, who said, “Yeah, so we checked all the books and we consistently noticed that your mom was older than the average book. This was pretty shocking given that we have so many ancient manuscripts, but honestly

December 2023

when we looked at your old-ass mom it kinda made sense.” Worm wanted to clarify that this finding did not apply to her, or any of her colleagues’ moms. Rather, it was exclusively your mom who is hella old.

damnnnnn

8 Volume XLI Issue 3 December 2023 9

Graphic by Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

Crack an egg on your head...

Help! I Really Want to Call My Teacher a “Sadistic Maniac Who Deserves to Burn in Hell” in My CULPA Review But I Don’t Want to be on the Naughty List By Oliver Green Dear Fed,

it's bulking szn

Every year when winter break rolls around, I always get excited that the best time of year has finally arrived: writing CULPA reviews. After all the suffering I’ve gone through in the semester, it feels so cathartic to

get all my anger out in one scathing review. However, as I sat down to explain why my English professor deserves to have his liver pecked out by birds as a crowd of schoolchildren jeer at him for all eternity, I had a sudden realization: what would Santa think? On the one hand, I have to urge others to never take a class from that absolutely evil ogre of a human being, but, on the other hand, I sure don’t want to end up

on the naughty list! I’ve been really looking forward to waking up on Christmas morning and finding that new LEGO set under the tree that I told Santa I wanted in my letter to the North Pole. Unfortunately, in my letter, I didn’t have time to explain to him how my ruthless takedown of my teacher was totally justified because I got a B+ on the first essay! Help, Fed, what do I do?

7. Heidi Klum’s husband, Tom Kaulitz, during her 2023 Halloween party Marriage is a social construct, and, boy, do we love it! Husband Tom stunned Federalist writers in his egg costume. #RelationshipGoals!

impressionable generation of young eggs! Only sixth place for this guy.

Top 10 Eggs Ever By Fed Staff

cholestoral predicament Cock-a-doodle-doo! As the new year draws closer, one can’t help but think of rebirth, new beginnings, and the non-powdered scrambled eggs your mom is gonna cook for you when you go home for winter break. To carry you through finals, we at the Fed are here for you with a list of the top ten eggs of all time: 10. The egg from the “Chicken or the Egg” question This one is last place. Sorry, we got bored with paradoxes after our deep late-night conversations in our John Jay lounge freshman year.

6. @world_record_egg on Instagram This mega-famous egg had a hefty 60.3 million likes on Instagram. But glorifying the social media influencer lifestyle is extremely unhealthy for an

5. Omelet from [insert favorite dining hall] The Fed refuses to assert allegiance to any particular dining hall omelet, but would like to call attention to the prevalence of such. Why so many? Why can’t I just have pasta for breakfast, Ferris?

‘Tis the Season…for Luv <3 By Dalia Etessami

god save the president Tags: #columbiauniversityau #collegeau #holidayromance #yn #youngminouche #ageappropriateromance It was a chilly morning on Columbia’s campus when you awoke in your twin XL bed. You turned over to see if your roommate was awake, but they were still asleep, snug in their dark blue blanket and matching pillow set. You hopped out of bed, throwing your hair in a messy bun (gender neutral) and shrugging out of your pjs. You quickly put on a simple, but weather-appropriate outfit: a striped long sleeve (thrifted), baggy jeans (90s JNCOs), a woolen sweater (also thrifted), and a puffer (North Face, because you were never flashy like those prep school kids who wore Canada Goose). As you brushed your teeth in the mirror, you thought about all the tasks you had to do today: phone in your lab report for experimental psych, lunch with your besties, and a study sesh with that gorgeous kid from your economics class you’ve been trying to get the courage to flirt with all year. They’re tall, funny, and oh-so-smart, but you’re so shy, and you haven’t yet gathered the courage to even ask them about their life outside class… But first, breakfast! You quietly closed the door, leaving your roommate’s crude snores behind as you pattered down the hallway, 15 flights of stairs (the elevator was broken like usual), and into the cold. You tightened your handwoven scarf around your neck as you made your way to John Jay for breakfast. You swiped in, and loaded up your plate with the usual delicacies: a bagel toasted and topped with guacamole

and cream cheese, mixed fruit, and a cup of oatmeal. As you looked around for a place to sit, you noticed your friends Leslie and Roar-ee already eating at one of the circular tables in the grand dining room. “Y/N!” they called out, motioning you over. “Hey guys!” you said cheerfully, pulling up a chair. “Mmm, looks delicious,” Roar-ee said, his mouth full of three-egg omelet (he’s a student athlete). “What’s up, buttercup?” You shrugged. “Just the usual. Lab, lunch with Lee and Mary, studying with Sian…” “Sian?!” Leslie exclaimed. “The one you’ve had the hots for all semester long?” “Sshhh!” you laughed, shushing her in between bites of guacamole bagel. “It’s not that big of a deal. Plus, they could be in here!” Your two friends oh-so-subtly (that is, not subtly at all) turned their heads to scan the dining hall, then leaned in closer. “Not here…” Leslie whispered with a smirk. “So, Y/N, are you going to jump their bones in the stacks or what?” James asked with a grin. “Guys, stop!” You blushed. “It’s just a study sesh, nothing serious.” “Whatever you say, Y/N,” Roar-ee grinned, stacking up his silverware. “I gotta head to class.” “Me too,” said Leslie. “Catch you later, Y/N! Let us know how it goes.” She left with a parting eyebrow wag, and you sighed. Sure, a kiss under the Butler mistletoe wouldn’t be so bad, but you barely knew Sian, and you definitely didn’t know how they felt about you. Maybe sticking to your shy persona was for the best. After all, you had (emotional) walls.

With your silverware in the bin and your plates on the proper tray, you began your ascent to Havemeyer, where your psych lab was located. You were so busy daydreaming about your soon-to-be-maybe-date with Sian that you didn’t notice a block of ice in your path, and as you climbed up Low Steps, you slipped and found yourself flat on your back! “Ow!” you cried out delicately. Where’s Captain Bayonne when you need him? You tried to lift yourself up, but you had crushed your arm in your fall, and it really hurt. Wincing, you turned your head only to meet the stormy brown eyes of your sworn enemy: Minouche Shafik. You and Minouche had hated each other since you were freshmen, as you had argued over dialectics in every one of your LitHum seminars. You had always been each other’s fiercest competition, constantly looking for weaknesses in the other’s academic prowess. You braced yourself, waiting for a trademark snarky remark at your expense. But when you raised your blue orbs to look at her brown ones, you saw something else. Concern? No, no, it couldn’t be… Minouche knelt down. “Who did this to you?” she asked softly. “I… I..” you stammered. “Doesn’t matter.” she said, not unkindly. “Let’s get you up.” With surprising strength for her small stature, she lifted you up and put an arm around your waist as you hobbled up the rest of the stairs. You felt a warm and tingly sensation where her hand met your side, and suddenly, all thoughts of Sian seemed far, far away…. TO BE CONTINUED

4. The Fabergé egg that I stole from the Met I hid it in my mouth like a squirrel. Please do not tell anyone. 3. Double yolk eggs What a fun surprise!

9. Humpty Dumpty Mr. Dumpty flopped off the wall so hard that we cannot, in good conscience, rank him above ninth place… even though he kinda ate in Puss in Boots.

2. Goop jade Yoni egg We love Gwyneth, and we love our vaginas. While we may not be splurging for this quaint rock, we award it second place on account of its elegance.

8. Togepi (Pokémon) Nothing to fault here, but also nothing to write home about. This cutiepatootie is a solid eighth place.

1. The Slutty Soft Boiled Egg in Call Me By Your Name Crack that egg, Elio! The Fed loves Timmy, regardless of his CU dropout status.

Macey Stancato/Graphics

Worth the read!

Let that booty hang out

Volume XLI Issue 3

December 2023

LOVED EVERY SECOND!

#butlerlyfe

Student Cramming for Final at 5 A.M. Can’t Wait to Romanticize This Memory After Graduating By Bayan Shimizu building credit Following a brutal study session for a Biochemistry final that went well into the morning, Ian Gold (CC ‘26) reportedly left Butler Library with a smile as he looked across College Walk at Low Library. When asked by a Federalist reporter about his studies, Gold replied quickly: “I live in a moment of pure agony. The walls of Butler now form a prison around me. My body screams for a reprieve that my mind denies. This is gonna be so fucking aesthetic when I look back on it in a few years.” Gold demonstrated an incredible ability to reframe his own suffering, quickly recategorizing hours spent cramming last-minute as ‘the product of a studious mind on the academic grind.’ Mere

minutes after accidentally spilling his coffee across his notes, Gold already reconceptualized his slip-up as evidence of how his focus tuned out anything nonacademic. “Based on my past work, I’ll probably get a B+ on the exam, but I’ll round that up to an A- in my memories, and eventually the passage of time will round that up to an A. So, I’ll have basically aced the test. Time well spent.” What a beautiful experience,” said

Silvana Gonzalez/Graphics

Gold, in spite of the 300 milligrams of caffeine in his body, “I can’t wait for the day when Columbia solicits a donation from me by calling back to moments like these.” Ian Gold was last seen applying a pass/fail for his Biochemistry course, while simultaneously rewriting his memory and vision to replace the P grade with an A+.

By Ashley Rapp shrinking As temperatures dropped into the 30°F on Wednesday, the Penis Fountains of Low Steps were reported defending their smaller appendage size under the common wives tales of “being cold.” Scientists and university officials are currently conducting studies on the possibility of “shrinkage” that may be occurring as cooler temperatures interact with the molecules inside the stone. The sputtering and outraged response by the fountains in defense of their, let’s face it, unfavorable endowments mirrors other common tropes of said-organ-owners defending their sentient packages with phrases such as: “you nudged my leg you KNOW how that gets me,” “I can't help that I get turned on by [insert non-erogenous item/action],” and “I’ll get blue balls which is scientifically the most painful thing anyone can feel literally ever.1”

Ashley Rapp/Graphics Editor

#butlerwyfe

Ode to My Situationship, Who Sidechatted About Our Situationship By Silvana Gonzalez

telepathic transfer “You asshole, take our sexcapades off the toxic gossip train Sidechat!” I was scrolling through Sidechat Or would that be slander? aimlessly with doom. Instead of taking drastic action, I When I noticed a post so juicy I gathered my wits and my pen zoomed. And wrote this dear poem, sent it in to It was funny at first–I laughed, that’s the Fed. for sure. But as I sat with it more, my face filled So to any kind readers, please heed my with furor. advice, “What the fuckkkkk, this is literally Don’t text something drastic when about me!!!!!” I screamed. your situationship posts about your shared Tried to gain my composure, but in sex-life anguish I steamed. Instead use your brain, your computer, and your head, As minutes served their time, I And send your sweet poetry to the Fed. swallowed my pride. With that, I shall leave you, with one Coming to terms with my online final anoint: relationship, I put it to the side. Upvote this, I need more Sidechat I pondered what to answer, by phone or karma points.

Silvana Gonzalez/Graphics

Traveling for the Holidays? Here are the Best, Most Efficient Ways to Get to the Airport!

Penis Fountain Appears Smaller, Claims it’s “Just Cold Rn”

1 This includes both periods and childbirth.

Be honest guys

Volume XLI Issue 3

By Lila Muscosky

ho ho ho Now that you’ve finished finals and thankfully have a well-deserved break, it’s time to fly away for the holidays! Whether you’re going home or to your long-term long-distance lowcommitment causal partner’s house (we don’t discriminate… maybe you’re going to a relative who technically has 5 degrees of separation from your immediate family), if you have to fly somewhere and want to avoid the holiday airport traffic, we’ve got you covered! We have compiled a list of the best travel methods to get to the airport (it works for all three in NYC!) and none of them involve the M60. 1. Santa’s Sleigh Avoid roads all together by experiencing a flight with Santa’s reindeer! Get to the airport in record times, but just hope that Rudolph is on board if there’s any possibility of low-visibility.

December 2023

2. Rat Sled You’ve heard of a dog sled, but you must try New York’s high-efficiency rat sled! Driven by the subway rats, get a first-hand view of the New York sewer system as you travel straight into the airport

bathroom. Alternative: pigeon sled that flies you over the city if you want to get the birds-eye view! 3. Toboggan Launching off of the Lerner ramps, the toboggan is an excellent and fun way to get into the holiday spirit on your way to the airport! 4. Hamster Ball Want to get some exercise while you travel? Run your way through the city in a fun hamster ball and show off your skills to all of your friends!

Em Bennett/Graphics

DOES EVERYONE HAVE SIDECHAT BUT ME?

5. Little Tikes Cozy Coupe We all remember the classic little red and yellow plastic cars from preschool - make the most out of them by weaving through the traffic to the airport and wave goodbye to the boring adults you’re leaving in the dust on the highway.

Please!!

Reasons Why I Think Barnard Keeps Its Buildings At Freezing Temperatures By Dani Rivera They are hiding the real body of the Millie the Dancing Bear somewhere on campus and need to keep her frozen. They can’t let us know which building she’s in so they all get to collectively freeze.

They want to slut shame their students out of wearing mini skirts.

They’re trying to gaslight everyone into thinking they’re anemic, and therefore always cold.

The ice cream in Diana is running out and they want us to be cold so we’re not tempted to go eat ice cream.

President Rosenbury likes to take naps in campus buildings but can only sleep if it’s freezing and she has a thick fluffy blanket.

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

Dear Reader: If You Get A Tattoo Of The Columbia Federalist, We Will Put You On The Cover Of Every Single Issue By Dani Rivera a long time coming

That's right. We said it. Imagine you on the cover of the Fed, following the legacy of Pr*zbo. We would draw you in such cool and funky ways that everyone will know your beautiful gorgeous face forever. Think about it—-you get our face on you, and we get to use yours for the rest of eternity… that’s pretty fucking sick. Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

Columbia's New Minor: Yappiology Has Risen in Popularity in LitHum Classes By Silvana Gonzalez & Em H. oh ya know...

bold beautiful brrrrrr 1.

What even is it?

Am I behind on the trends???

Volume XLI Issue 3

Recently, the Fed received a mysterious tape, consisting of audio clips from a LitHum class deeply engaged in a discussion about Odessyus' similarities to American Psycho. The audios were so gruesome that members of Fed were diagnosed with bleeding ears, permanent eye-rolling, and severe brain damage. With the greatest caution extended to readers, the transcribed audio is listed below. “I find this very interesting because it speaks a lot about who we are as a society.” - Student 1 “It's also interesting, as I have experienced this frequently with my peers and the environment around me.” - Also Student #1

“Not only is that interesting, but it also speaks about everyone, and yes, I mean everyone.” - A very woke and interested Student #2 “And, uh, this is also very complex and particular because it has consequences.” Econ major Student #3, who just stopped scrolling Instagram “Of course, glazing to the max, I agree a hundred percent, and I also think that we need to take a stand on this. Because of this new generation with all this consumerism and environmental problems, we see this a lot more now than before.” - The passionate Student #4 that has to add a critical lens to everything Uhhh, did I get my participation point now?

Silvana Gonzalez/Graphics

Dear Fed, All I Want For Christmas is a Tabi Swiper By Dani Rivera love at first swipe Please Fed, beg Santa for me. I’ve been asking for a pair of Maison Margiela Tabis for god knows how long. I yearn for the hooves! It seems like Santa has been skimping on the gifts lately and can’t afford my $1,090 dream shoes, so I'm willing to make some compromises. All I want for now is a Tabi Swiper. Ever since I heard of that tiktok girl who got her Tabis stolen by a cheating boyfriend who regifted them to his girlfriend, I’ve felt a pang in my chest so profound I thought I was having a heart attack. My heart ached at the thought of someone going to such extents to get a girl her dream shoe! So please, my dearest Fed, help me get both a romantic partner and a pair of Maison Margiela Tabis. Xoxo, Dani

December 2023

God I hate this

Bayan Shimizu/Head Subs Editor

HEY, YOU THERE. YEAH YOU. I'M STARING RIGHT INTO YOUR SOUL AND YOU'RE JUST GOING TO PRETEND I'M NOT? WHAT AM I, A JOKE TO YOU? BAD EXAMPLE. SINCE YOU'RE SUCH A WISE-GUY, YOU SHOULD TOTALLY COME WRITE FOR THE FED. YOU'LL TOTALLY BE COOL OR WHATEVER. GUARENTEED. ACTUALLY, NOT GUARENTEED. WE CAN'T GET SUED AGAIN.

SUBMIT TO CHIEF@COLUMBIAFEDERALIST.COM!!!! 16

Volume XLI Issue 3