The Columbia Federalist March 2020 Issue

Volume XXXVIII • Issue 3 • March 2020

the FEDERALIST Columbia’s Only Newspaper That Stops Smart People From Breeding

THE STAFF EDITORIAL BOARD Luis Vera and Alexander Horn Feditors-in-Chief Joseph Baer Managing Editor Annie Iezzi Samuel Millner Julia Schreder Head Submissions Editors ASSOCIATE BOARD Gustie Owens Layout Editor Matthew Nola Phillip Ruddy Amelia Fay Wesley Schmidt Nurasyl Shokeyev Submissions Editors Jaysen Zhang Graphics Editor Nikhil Mehta Online Editor Garrison Grogan Senior Correspondent Michelle Dandeneau Undertaker Sherin Shibu, Isabel O’Brien, Miriam Linz, Elizabeth Meyer, Mary Schauf, Baha Topbas, Rose Jacobs, Jayne Maglioccio, Emily Olson, Harriet Place, Megan Pitz, Will Barker Staff Writers Benjamin Most and Ani Wilcenski Senior Editors 2

A Dispatch from the Feditors Dear Coronavirus Quarantine Prisoners, Furnald residents have finally emerged from their cozy burrows and seen their shadows, and you all know what that means: spring is in the air. Frisbees are flying, Canada Geese (Gooses?) are preparing to migrate to the coat rack for the season, and soon enough there will be sufficient pollen in the air to turn the genetically challenged among us into sneezing, red-eyed messes nearly every hour of the day. Our staff, thoughtful souls that they are, thought it might be nice to provide those unfortunate souls with some extra tissue paper to prepare for the trials ahead: and thus, the March issue of The Federalist was born. We would simply ask that you read before you blow.

March is also election season, and as you can tell from this issue’s cover, we have been paying attention — or at least, we have clearly been paying enough attention to imagine all of the candidates naked.

Uncle Joe may have the privilege of gracing our cover, but we workshopped several options, each more titillating than the last. Yang 2020, rest in peace — if Andrew’s pecs cost $1000 a month, we’d pay every penny, and pay them gladly.

In all seriousness (or at least what passes for it around these parts) we can all agree that, regardless of your beliefs, our politics have degenerated into an absolute circus. Therefore, we at The Federalist are proud to take this opportunity to remind y’all what a real circus is like. After all, we were ridiculous before reality made it cool.

Peace, love, Paid For by Bloomberg For America, Chief

TABLE OF CONTENTS PAGE 3: MATH PAGE 4: bellinis PAGE 5: international news PAGE 6: buzzfeed PAGE 7: madlibbed PAGE 8-9: ghosted PAGE 10: dodge is a prison PAGE 11: sculpture PAGE 12: cancelled.

PAGE 13: piggybacking on that.

PAGE 14: across the pond PAGE 15: War on Fun

Cover Artwork by Zach Ginsberg Volume XXXVIII Issue 3

CS Major Tells Friends “the SEAS Gala is for nerds” Over a Game of Dungeons and Dragons

By Emily Olson Drizzt Between the Facebook event with its flashy cover photo and the flyers littering Hamilton Hall, the SEAS Gala has been marketed to nearly every person at Columbia in some way.

However, this abundance of titillating graphic content isn’t enough to rope in the Gala’s target audience: SEAS students.

“It’s so lame. A dance? Where I could make new friends? And potentially lock eyes across the room with the love of my life? Pathetic. No one will go,” assesses Richard Jones SEAS ‘23, as he tossed his dice on the table. His friends nod silently in agreement, absorbed by the game.

Jones isn’t the only one who feels this way. In an online survey conducted amongst other SEAS

students, 32 percent said they have other plans for the big holiday. When prompted to describe what “other” meant, the most common responses were “idk,” “none of ur business,” and “.” However, the memes posted marketing the SEAS Gala received over a dozen laughing reactions on Facebook, so the data appears to be quite mixed.

How does Jones plan to spend Valentine’s Day? He claims that he’s looking forward to “staying in with his bros” and “playing DnD until 3:00 a.m.”

The Federalist Staff would like to add an addendum to this interview: Hopefully you rambunctious students who do decide to venture out on such a miserable occasion won’t suffer too much.

SCIENCE NEWS

A Letter to My Girlfriend:

Sorry I Hooked Up with Dean Boyce at the SEAS Gala

By Anonymous who are you hiding from?

My dearest love, I am so sorry that it has come to this. I wish that I could speak to you in person, but, alas, you refuse to see or speak with me. You didn’t even respond to my text, “JJ’s?” I was, I will not lie, quite inebriated on Valentine’s Day, having crashed a pregame in that fateful Carman Hall. One too many Fireball shots found their way down my gullet, and, after stumbling past the Carman security desk, I found myself stumbling towards the most anticipated event of this new decade, the inaugural SEAS Gala.

Upon entrance to this mystic realm, my nostrils burned at odor emitted from droves of unshowered, unshorn, and unseemly engineering students, brooding, angsty, and unsure as to how, exactly, one communicates with

another human being. The dearth of estrogen in this strange place, combined with the alcohol diffusing throughout my body, drew me to her.

Her Master’s degree and Doctor of Philosophy from MIT drew me to her immediately—I could not resist the intelligence exuding from her very being. One thing followed another, and my night, I am sorry to say, ended in the basement of Mudd.

I still love you, almost as much as I love her. I am sorry that I cannot get it up with you anymore. It would be better if you had a Doctor of Philosophy. Can we just be best friends again?

With my utmost condolences,

Your former lover

Mayor Pete to Return to his Comfortable Tom and Jerry Mouse Hole

By Julia Schreder & Garrison Grogan dream team SOUTH BEND, INDIANA––After announcing that he would be dropping out of the Democratic Presidential Primary, Mayor Pete Buttigieg has returned to his home: a cozy little mouse hole, located conveniently in the South Bend Mayor’s office. Mayor Pete, also known as “Squeaky Pete,” intends to hibernate there for the rest of the winter with his husband and fellow mouse, Chasten.

“Of course it is a disappointment to leave the race,” Mayor Pete explained to the Federalist through Stuart Little, GS ‘21 and our resident mouse-speak interpreter, “but Chasten and I are just glad to return to our cozy matchbox bed. I think we will eat a lot of cheese. . . maybe fuck around with Tom. . .you know, just mouse stuff.”

“And yes,” added Buttigieg, “ by Tom, I do mean Tom Steyer. He brought me the Gouda, but sadly, not the black vote. Someone’s gotta pay. And none of my billionaire friends will return my calls anymore.”

Mayor Pete confirmed that he intends to take a break from the public eye until the Democratic nominee is finalized, in order to “re-grow my whiskers and get my fur

March 2020

back to its usual silky smooth sheen.” However, he added that once the nominee is announced, he will quickly use those whiskers to start sniffing around for a cabinet position.

“I think I’d make a good Secretary of Health and Human Services, because I’m not a human. I have an outsider’s perspective on what it is like to be a human person,” explained Buttigieg. “And besides, I’d not only be the first gay cabinet member, but the first gay cabinet member who is also a mouse. If Bernie gets the nomination, I’ll flip my entire set of values and embrace Medicare for All: I know how to follow the cheese. But if it’s Biden, all I have to do is transform into a rat and I’m sure he’ll just give it to me.

There’s never been a rat in public office, and we all know Joe is big into diversity.”

But while Pete’s political ambitions are far from over, for now he’s content to return to his day job. “Serving as mayor of the great city of South Bend has been the greatest honor of my life, and I am proud to continue that work. Big city politicians may look down on a small town mayor, but every time I sneak into one of my resident’s kitchens in the middle of the night to grab a few crumbs off the floor, I know that it’s worth it.”

SEE YOU AT SEAS?

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NEWS

Deantini Sips Peach Bellini The Kingsmen Broke Into My Room to Deliver a Song-O-Gram and They Stole All My Blazers

By Wesley Schmidt Rowing Blazers efficianado Last night was a harrowing experience for me. It was 3:00 a.m. and I had just gotten back from a seven-hour study session in Butler 209. As I was about to close my eyes and finally let sweet sleep overcome me, blue blazered men suddenly surrounded me. They were coming from everywhere–under my bed, out of my closet, and even climbing out of my desk drawer. Before I knew what hit me, I was staring down

the entirety of the Columbia Kingsmen a cappella gang.

As they began their cover of “Brown-Eyed Girl,” I let loose a guttural scream. That didn’t stop them. They just kept snapping their fingers and inching ever closer to me.

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to pretend they weren’t there, but the image of their monstrous baby-blue blazers was burned into my brain.

After two minutes of pain and anguish, I heard the song end. I opened my eyes, but they had disappeared. I jumped out of bed and checked to make

sure they were gone. To my horror, I discovered that not only had they left, but they had taken all of my blazers with them. Every sport coat I owned was suddenly missing from my closet.

I still haven’t recovered from that experience. One of my friends sold out the sanctity of my room for a mere $20. My space now feels violated. If anything good comes out of this, though, it’s that the Kingsmen may finally stop wearing those disgusting Pantone 292 coats.

By Nikhil Mehta & Matt Nola Eenie-Meenie This past Monday, Deantini was spotted in his luxurious Hamilton office sipping a peach Bellini, reports Billy Bob Zucchini CC ’21. Although his peach Bellini was admittedly quite teeny, Deantini sipped his peach Bellini (while munching on some tortellini) in the company of a rather generous genie. This genie granted Deantini his wish of getting one baby wearing one beanie with whom to share some fettuccini. While reading about that meanie, the great Houdini, Deantini and his baby clad in a beanie started to sing “Eenie Meenie” to decide who would ask the second wish of the genie. Because Deantini’s

baby wearing a beanie won “Eenie Meenie,” she asked the genie the second wish for a shaken martini. By this point, Deantini had guzzled down 10 peach bellinis. He became rather jumpy and held his weenie while he ran, yelling “I have to go relieve me!”

When Deantini came back from going wee-wee, he found his beanie-wearing baby and the genie watching a movie made by Federico Fellini about Benito Mussolini eating creamy paninis. Deantini stared at the genie and both of their eyes became so gleamy that for the last wish Deantini asked for a bikini for his wife, quite the queen bee. When asked about his opinion on all of this, Zucchini responded, “I don’t fucking know. Could you buy me a Lamborghini?”

Op-Ed: I Don’t Wash My Hands After I Pee Because My Cock Is Clean

By Anonymous annoy sumo?

People always judge me when I walk out of the restroom immediately after I pee. No, I will not wash my hands. I don’t have to. My cock is clean.

Maybe you troglodytes have sticky dicks, but I don’t. I don’t have to peel my dick from my balls when I need to piss because my dick is clean, and my balls are clean. I don’t pee on my hands because my dick is big enough to grab (and my aim is good enough to kill).

Maybe you beta males need to

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wash up because your nether regions are a festering petri dish of God knows what. But not mine—I am clean. And

I WOULD EAT OFF OF MY OWN DICK IF I COULD BECAUSE IT’S SO CLEAN. when you see me walk out after I pee, and I do not pay heed to the sinks and faucets, you’d better recognize why.

Will I touch doors and

tables after I pee? Of course I will. Might I shake someone’s hand after I pee? I might. Will I eat using my hands right after I pee? I’ve done it many times.

I would eat off of my own dick if I could because it’s so clean. If anyone were to touch your penis, they might need a quarantine fit for deadly epidemic outbreaks. That’s the difference between you and me. Washing hands after peeing is for dirty scum like you. Don’t judge me for not washing mine. I don’t need to because I’m better than you.

WASH YOUR HANDS THOUGH

Volume XXXVIII Issue 3

PAID CONTENT

“Are we facing the end of democracy?” Kim Jong-un asks after his favorite X-Factor contestant loses the popular vote Kaptain Kazakhstan PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA – Addressing the nation in a televised speech on Monday, the Supreme Leader and Marshall of the Republic, the Dear Respected Kim Jong Un raised concerns over the state of North Korean democracy. “Comrades, it is with great sadness that I inform you today of the most serious attack on the reputation of our democracy since the release of that hateful and completely false film The Interview,” Kim Jong-un said after a pledge of loyalty hymn was sung by every single person in the country at the legal minimum volume of 100 decibels. “Last night we witnessed a great injustice being committed on our X-Factor; my precious daughter Kim Ju-ae, a vital part of my nuclearloving family, performed her heavenly

tap dancing routine and did not win the popular vote despite the fact that I executed every other contestant.”

It has been reported to The Federalist that every man, woman and child in North Korea is now taking precautions to avoid accidentally tapping their shoes on the floor in fear of being prosecuted for treason. Meanwhile, the Politburo issued a press release blaming the Great Satan the US for rigging the X-Factor vote. “The United States envies our democracy because it is not controlled by Russian hackers!”

Kim Jong-un exclaimed. “Even Putin envies our democracy because it is not controlled by our citizens and terrorizes them from within.”

At press time, an official order was issued decreeing people to clap enthusiastically during Kim Ju-ae’s performance next week.

ZACH GINSBERG/ARTIST

By Nury Shokeyev

Trump Claims Victory Against Iran after Firing a Missile at Lee Iaccoca Instead of The Ayatollah

By Nikhil Mehta & Matt Nola know too much WASHINGTON D.C.—Following the tumultuous days since Qassem Soleimani’s assassination and the Iranian downing of a passenger jet, the Trump administration has claimed victory against Iran after it fired a missile at Lee Iacocca, whom they mistook for the Supreme Leader of Iran, the Ayatollah. Perhaps the biggest blunder of the mission was that Lee Iacocca, formerly the CEO of the Chrysler Corporation and executive at Ford Motor Company, is, in fact, already dead.

Trump, addressing the nation in a press conference, said that he got the idea after watching the Oscar Best Picture nominee Ford v Ferrari starring Matt Damon and Christian Bale. “I kept seeing this Lee Iacocca

March 2020

TWITTER?

guy, and I remembered him from somewhere and that he was a really bad, terrible guy. And, you know what? I figured that we oughta take him out.”

When Trump was asked if he meant to assassinate the Ayatollah, the Supreme Leader of Iran, instead, he stated, “Yes, I did assassinate Lee Iacocca, I just said that. You people at CNN really ask stupid questions.”

Trump followed with a tweet remarking, “Thank God for the brave men and women in the Space Force.

We couldn’t have done this without them!”

Sources close to The Federalist report that Trump was previously considering a strike on a gorgonzola cheese factory, but his aides were able to discern this mistake ahead of time.

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LUKE-WARM OFF THE PRESS

Quiz: What is your Favorite Color?

By Malia Simon

color?

Find out what it is once and for all with this quick quiz!

Q3: What is the letter that your favorite color starts with?

A. G B. B C. R D. Y E. P

Q6: How many times a week do you watch pornography?

A: 2 B. Prefer not to answer C. 10 D. 55 E. 0

Q1: If you were clothes shopping, which color t-shirt would you probably buy?

A. Green B. Blue C. Red D. Yellow E. Purple

Q4: If you were clothes shopping, which color pants would you buy?

A. Green B. Blue C. Red D. Yellow E. Purple

Carefully count up your answers and record them below!

Q2: If you were to pick out the best color in the rainbow, which would it be?

A. Green B. Blue C. Red D. Yellow E. Purple

Q5: If someone were to ask you what your favorite color is, what would you say?

A. Green B. Blue C. Red D. Yellow E. Purple

Ds: _______

has been pushing this forever Always wanted to know your favorite

As: ______

Results Key: Mostly As: Your favorite color is GREEN! You are a person who loves all things green. When clothes shopping, you’d buy green shirts any day. Greens also tend to lie about things, like how many times a week they watch porn.

Mostly Bs: Surprise, True Blue! That’s you! Your favorite color is blue. It may be surprising to you and your friends, but of all the colors, your favorite is definitely blue.

Mostly Cs: Your favorite color is red. For you, things in the world are just better in red. Liking red also causes you to be drawn to objects that are red and sometimes even plants that are red.

Bs: _______ Cs: _______

Mostly Ds: Look at you. Your favorite color is yellow. How does it feel to be a liar to make yourself seem quirky? No one’s actual favorite color is yellow because yellow fucking sucks.

Es: ________

Mostly Es: Your favorite color is purple! This means you really like purple. This could be because it’s the color of royalty, but probably not. You also lie about things sometimes.

Op-Ed: Hey Alexa, Add Another Klean Kanteen to My Zero-Waste Shopping List

By VINZENT WESSELMANN save the turtles It started with the straws. One year ago, a picture of a baby turtle with a straw stuck in its nose washed upon the barren shores of my Facebook feed and changed my life forever. Looking at the poor creature—his sad little eyes gazing into mine—I could hear him calling out to me, a fellow inhabitant of Mother Earth, and choosing me as her savior. I humbly accepted her demand: I would single-handedly stop climate change by going zero-waste.

That evening, I ordered my first dozen rose-gold reusable straws from Amazon’s China warehouse—a 7,140-mile flight for my 12 shiny metal alternatives but an irresistible deal to save humanity.

Unfortunately, I never got the chance to use these recent additions to my trash can due to the revolutionary new Starbucks lids that have replaced the need for straws altogether. There has truly never been anything like them, except for the plastic

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lids that have been used with hot drinks for decades. Do they use even more plastic than the original plastic straw and lid?

Yes. But do they make me feel superior to the straw-using folk of this Earth? Yes. However, I knew that my noble deed of boycotting straws was only a drop of water in a plastic-infested ocean. Living sustainably was a lifestyle choice that I had to commit to, but I quickly learned that making small changes in daily life can create the biggest difference. So, like any good anti-consumption culture activist, I swiftly replaced my Lexus SUV with a brand new Tesla. No CO2 emissions here! Nothing has ever made me feel such a rush as driving to my job at a cloudbased NGO think tank startup knowing that the electricity which magically manifests itself out of Jill Stein’s compost is powering my $77,815 vehicle.

Now that I’ve learned all of the ways that I can prove my sustainability to my peers, I’ve been working on how to be sustainable in my own house (soon to be a yurt!). A lot of people say that the hardest part of being sustainable is avoiding

plastic in everyday products. I’m here to say that that’s not true. First of all, everyone can dramatically reduce their packaging waste by shopping exclusively at the bulk store conveniently located across the street. With my Tesla to carry all of my 23 hand-crafted bamboo containers to and from the store, I can get there and back before you can say, “but how do you avoid plastic in toiletry items?” Glad you asked. In the time between my morning compost-mixing routine and the weekly climate strikes my employer always encourages me to attend, I like to sit down and make my own toothpaste, deodorant, lotion, soap, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and, if I’m feeling creative, lip balm! These easy swaps each only require about one hour to do the first time, which will go horribly wrong, but it will get easier after you use your boundless amounts of free time to troubleshoot your concoction with the help of the hip Scandinavian YouTuber who got you here in the first place. Meanwhile, you can easily swap out your expensive electric toothbrush for an old-school bamboo brush that’s totally

THE FED IS A GEMINI

sustainable. Just set up the auto-shipment feature on Amazon so that you can have these brushes shipped to your door from an anonymous Californian town every few months.

Some people say that a zerowaste life is impossible. But, in the few years that I have spent trying to get my homemade toothpaste to become something more than peppermint water, I’ve found that leading a sustainable lifestyle requires nothing more than a bit of motivation, courage, and that special sprinkle of activist gusto. Does it help to be wealthy, work at a progressive NGO, and live in a gentrified neighborhood filled with chic sustainable boutiques?

Maybe. But, at the end of the day, no matter where you live or what your income, the satisfaction of knowing that the zero-waste lifestyles of a few people will take down the worldwide capitalist structures that have ruined our Earth is a feeling that can’t be traded for anything.

Not even for a dozen rose-gold reusable straws.

Volume XXXVIII Issue 3

CANCELLED

SPRING BREAK-ETH ME

By Annie Iezzi

Barnard First-Year Purchases Columbia Football Sweatshirt Amidst Cuffing Season

By Jayne Magliocco

Running one finger along the neckline of her not like other girls aforementioned Columbia COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY Football hoodie, Mann shares B O O K S T O R E — W i t h that “If you can give off the cuffing season in full swing, image that you’re ‘cuffed,’ Columbia students are on the you’ve won half the battle. This prowl for their next romantic sweatshirt is the best $40 I’ve distraction.

While some ever spent.” For those looking have found love in classically to replicate her deceiving–yet intimate atmospheres such effective–look, Mann suggests as Butler Cafe, JJs (before that, “First, you should get midnight), and the Mel’s the largest possible size the bathroom line, others Bookstore offers. Then, sit in have given up on romance JJs for a couple hours and let completely and immersed the fibers absorb the smell themselves in of mozzarella more creative sticks, fried “FROM NETFLIX mac endeavors. and Earlier cheese, and AND CHILL ON t o d a y , bean burgers CARMAN 2 TO Federalist that a football r e p o r t e r s TINDER U, I’M JUST player would spoke to never actually LIKE, SO DONE eat.”

Anita Mann BC ‘23 in WITH COLUMBIA O n hopes of C a m p u s , GUYS.” learning more Mann makes about the a concerted phenomenon effort to flaunt that is cuffing season. her “cuffed” status. She is often Mann, who was clad in seen taking Snapchats whilst what was presumably her wearing her prized garment, beau’s “Columbia Football” giving friends relationship sweatshirt, appeared to be advice despite never having knowledgeable on the subject. had a boyfriend of her own, “Cuffing season can be and pretending to have long a difficult time for those phone conversations while of us with limited access to sitting alone in Ferris. members of the opposite sex,” When cuffing season Mann shared. “From Netflix comes to a close in early and Chill on Carman 2 to spring, Mann plans to TinderU, I’m just like, so done break out the sweatshirt’s with Columbia guys.” more niche, warm-weather Yet, Mann is not bothered counterpart: a faded C150 by the absence of true t-shirt stolen from the John intimacy in her first semester Jay laundry basement. at college: she claims that the mere illusion of having a boyfriend is enough to satisfy her cuffing-season-desires.

March 2020

COLUMBIA GUYSSSS

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IT'S NOT ME

Volume XXXVIII Issue 3

March 2020

IT'S YOU

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CAMPUS LYFE

Columbia to Outsource Gym Management to New York State Bureau of Prisons

By Oscar Zeta Acosta Hunter S. Thompson's Lawyer In response to student concerns about the antiquated condition of the Dodge Physical Fitness Center, Columbia University will hire the New York Bureau of Prisons to manage the facility.

Dean of Undergraduate Student Life, Cristen Kromm, commented, “Our students should not be at a competitive disadvantage to prisoners.

Our gym should be as modern as Sing Sing’s.”

As student safety is a top priority, the Bureau of Prisons will replace all bar soap with liquid soap in the showers.

In addition to gym management, the Bureau of Prisons will provide body

piercing and tattoos.

“We want to provide a full range of services to our students,” commented Kromm.

In an initiative to increase social justice on campus, the gym staff will be comprised of prisoners on work release programs.

Dean Kromm envisions expanding the work release program to have prisoners interning in the Bursar’s and Register’s offices.

“It’s important to integrate prisoners into our community and train them to become ALICE Health Administrators and place them in other positions of trust,” said Dean Kromm when asked about the decision to integrate ex-cons with Columbia students.

Columbia Statues Ranked by How Much They Will Offend Your Uber Conservative Aunt Deborah

By Wesley Schmidt

ThE CuRl 10. Thomas Jefferson “Now THAT’S a real man!”

9. The Thinker “Strong and smart? Hubba Hubba! Why aren’t you more like him, Teddy?”

8. The Tooth “Oooh, dentists make a lot of money – why don’t you study that, Teddy?”

7. The Curl “I don’t get it.”

6. Scholars’ Lion “Now they are just starving that poor kitty – he needs to put some meat on his bones.”

4. The Pegasus “I’m not sure what I’m looking at, but I don’t think it’s how God intended it.”

3. Tightrope Walkers “Now I don’t know what they’re going to do with that after graduation.”

2. Alma Mater “I know it’s old-fashioned of me, but I just think women should be in the home… men are better suited for sitting on thrones.”

1. Pan “How DARE they put such a disgusting statue out in public. These liberals have gotten too out-of-hand letting that thing sit out with its … its … its member out for any poor little girl walking by to see. God help us if this is the way our country is headed!”

5. Hamilton “I don’t know… he’s a little too progressive for my taste.”

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INTO ALMA

Volume XXXVIII Issue 3

CATS

My Cat Got the Best Orgasm of His Life at Cats, and Nine Other Reasons PETA is Suing Me

By Elizabeth Meyer and Sam Millner "It's mink" 1. There’s been a lot of criticism regarding the movie Cats lately, but that didn’t stop my cat from getting jacked up on catnip and having the best orgasm of his fucking life while lounging on the sticky chairs of our local AMC. 2. I still can’t find my gerbil (but oh boy do I have indigestion).

3. Apparently it’s frowned upon to bring your cat to a public place and get it hopped up on

catnip until it relieves itself in front of dozens of innocent moviegoers.

4. Since his most recent contribution to a certain animal advocacy group, every Thursday I call in a bomb threat to Alec Baldwin’s office—that bastard.

5. If they didn’t want Mr. Whiskers to get frisky in the AMC theater, they shouldn’t have made every scene appear as if the actors were on the brink of a furry orgy in a dumpster.

BREAKING NEWS:

Hitler still dead The Federalist’s rapid news response team has confirmed to staff that Adolf Hitler is still dead as of press time.

Hundreds of social media responses have poured in, thanking the Fed for this important update.

“I really just wasn’t sure after seeing Jojo Rabbit — thought maybe he made it out” said George Mason, CC sophomore and local fool.

“I thought he became a robot and had a moon base; just shows you can’t trust the media today. I gotta stop listening to NPR,” commented Denise Hansel, Barnard junior.

“Who knows for sure?

He might still be out there, hiding on the other side of the flat earth. How would we even know if he was there?”–Carl Mendes, local scientologist.

TIP LINE REQUEST: Please send tips to chief@columbiafederalist.com if you've hard about a man named Joseph Stalin.

The Federalist needs to corroborate our story.

March 2020

6. I had to quit smoking because I couldn’t financially support both Mr. Whiskers and my own cigarette consumption after going to see the movie Cats.

7. In addition to being a feline free-love advocate, I am also Michael Vick’s lawyer.

8. I thought we would be over religious prejudice by 2020, but apparently it’s frowned upon to get your cat circumcised.

9. Nevermind, I found my gerbil.

EMILY RINGEL/CONTRIBUTING ARTIST

True story:

The Taylor Swift Cat Gave My Cat Body Dysmorphia

By Amelia Fay why you gotta be so mean When I took my beloved British Shorthair, Sylvester, to an opening night screening of Cats, I expected a lighthearted showcase of cat culture and some funky tunes. Instead, Sylvester and I were affronted with a slew of unrealistic body expectations so traumatic it caused him to become bulimic.

Cats, this is my official cease and desist letter.

This movie is dangerous to cats everywhere. It promotes an unattainable beauty standard and tells every cat watching, “You’ll never be good enough.

You might as well yack up that Fancy Feast you just ate, because it’ll go straight to your meaty little thighs, you fat

FED PRODUCED CATS

fuck.” You should be ashamed of yourselves! Because of your movie, cats around the world are counting calories and intermittent fasting, all in pursuit of a body they will never have. Blood is on your hands.

I WALKED INTO THE BATHROOM TO SEE SYLVESTER HUNCHED OVER HIS LITTER BOX, DRY HEAVING WITH HIS PAW DOWN HIS THROAT. Just yesterday, I walked into the bathroom to see Sylvester hunched over his litter box, dry heaving with his paw down his throat. That paw was deep in there—think: up to the knee.

In what world is it okay for you to promote such unrealistic body expectations that I have to walk in on my sweet little boy pulling trig?

And, look, almost every character in Cats was a slap in the face of the body positivity movement, but the main issue was that goddamn Taylor Swift cat. Tom Hooper, what the fuck were you thinking? How could you think it was okay to create such a svelte, sensual feline, when you know that no real cat can ever compare? And don’t you dare give me any of that, “It’s not my responsibility” bullshit. No. You sly, greedy, conniving motherfucker, heavy is the head that wears the crown.

Sylvester and I will see you in court.

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RUPI KAUR IS A POET

Jewish Woman Ready to Be Struck Down by God After Discovering Tap Water Is Full of Non-Kosher Crustaceans

By Nury Shokeyev based on a true story NEW YORK—A local Jewish woman was reportedly found, paralyzed in shock, by her family after she discovered that the tap water she has been drinking all of her life contains tiny crustaceans called copepods. They are not kosher. “My life has been changed forever. I can only repent for my sins of hydration and pray that I will be forgiven,” said Augusta Schneider, visibly distraught but not in tears since, as repentance, she stopped drinking water alltogether for a month and did not have enough of it in her body for the tears.

The National Jewish Tribe commented on the

discovery, which was announced on Fox News, advising loyal tribe members to “filter New York City tap water before drinking, but not on Shabbat, obviously.” They also recommended drying plates and cutlery with a blowdryer after taking them out of the dishwasher.

“This devastating blow has really affected our relationship,” laments Ross Jones, Augusta’s husband. “She is scared to eat anywhere outside the house for fear of the tiniest droplets of tap water remaining on the plates. Whenever I do finally convince her to go out, she brings her magnifying glass to inspect every dish served!

People look at us like we’re crazy!”

At press time, Ross Jones is reported to have asked for a salary raise to fund his wife’s bottled water consumption.

God Unveils Christianity+

By Jaysen Zhang joseph smith of christianity+ PEARLY GATES— In the current American landscape, the battle between multiple ideologies—such as liberalism, conservatism, environmentalism, capitalism, socialism, and racism—has made the membership count of each faction more volatile and more important than ever. In an effort to bolster the number of Christians in America, the Holy Father has unveiled Christianity+: a new and improved faith with revised tenets, more attractive afterlives, and a free small miracle for new inductees who actively participate for at least one year.

In a set of new scriptures dropped at the doorstep of every church in America, God laid out updated guiding principles, which form the core of Christianity+’s exciting new End-Spirit

12

License Agreement. “Thou To spur recruitment, Heaven still be shitty, but in a trendy shalt have no other Gods or also now allows for physical way, and with the option for ideological creeds before Me,” pleasures, such as sex and Holy Gentrification by next “Thou shalt observe Sabbath drug use, in addition to the spring. if it be convenient,” and already-present ethereal Many have called God’s “Thou shalt not actions a clear act kill unless with of desperation, as good reason,” he seeks to regain are among onetime worshippers THE HOLY FATHER HAS the most holy that have been commandments persuaded by new UNVEILED CHRISTIANITY+: A ideologies to abandon of these terms NEW AND IMPROVED FAITH of service.

Christianity.

The The Lord WITH REVISED TENETS, MORE harshest critics have On High, called this a cheap ATTRACTIVE AFTERLIVES, Creator of the appeal to the largest Universe, God possible and AND A FREE SMALL MIRACLE audience of Abraham and a desecration of the FOR NEW INDUCTEES WHO Isaac, went on most fundamental to declare that Christian principles.

ACTIVELY PARTICIPATE FOR the requirement The following AT LEAST ONE YEAR. for entering Sunday, God, busy Heaven+ is enjoying his day of to have done rest on the beaches enough good of South Florida, things to fill one sent down the Angel typed page (single-spaced, pleasures, like getting your Gabriel to read a statement on font size 12 Times New angel wings waxed. Hell will his behalf: “Any questioning of Roman, one-inch margins, now be relocated to an area Christianity+ is blasphemy by submittable to Courseworks). just west of Heaven, and will definition. The core essence

SCIENTOLOGY REQUIREMENT

of Christianity is maintained in Christianity+. The core essence being ME. It is clear that practices and incentives that appealed to people many millennia ago no longer work today. I am updating My religion according to the times to stay competitive in this day and age, while firmly holding on to the ideas of charity, love, and universality.”

Will Christianity+ bring in a wave of long-lasting membership, or will it only be a minor speed bump for the already larger and fastergrowing ideologies in America today? Only God knows the answer to that. However, He has offered to share a sneak peek at the future, for a limited time only, to new members of Christianity+.

Volume XXXVIII Issue 3

SEX IS GOOD CONTENT

Outrage as Anal Bead Standard Faces French Reassesment

By Garrison Grogan & Nury Shokeyev ceci n'est pas une pipe The world was shaken earlier this week as the International Association of Toys and Measurements announced a reassessment of the International Prototype Analbead. The bead, originally roughly the size of a Menton Lemon, was defined in accordance with a series of tests by the French aristocracy in the late 1780s. Since then, it has been considered the the ideal size, from which all other bead sizes are derived.

The mere concept of tweaking it has outraged groups across the the country, from Climax, Georgia, to Butte Fuck Point, California.

The Federalist’s French correspondent, Julstine Bienfait, sat down with head of the institute, Michel Lafyette, to discuss the upcoming change.

“The bead really is a thing of beauty, carefully constructed from silver. Many prototypes were made and distributed across France before we settled on the perfect size for maximum pleasure. It is tantalizing, but like all good things, it cannot last forever.” said Lafeyette when asked his opinion of negative public reaction to the change.

When prompted to provide a precise reason for the change in the standard, Lafyette responded with eyelids slightly fluttering, “Over the years, many have used the bead, why not? It is perfect; impossible to resist.

Of course, 200 years of use have resulted in a degradation of the bead’s splendor from its first conception. It is slightly deformed and has lost mass over the decades. We attempted to limit use, but it proved impossible to resist caressing that sweet tunnel, no matter the reprimand. I admit I used it, and it cost me a year's

promotion and utterly changed my marriage. Worth it.”

We let Lafeyette reminisce for a few minutes before he continued, “Anyway, in the end, the colon is not frictionless, nor is silver immune to 200 years of lube-aided dissolution.

At the current rate, it’ll be no bigger than marble in 100 years, totally unusable. Frankly it also smells, just smells like ass. Washing it only gets so much out after two centuries, and the water just dissolves more silver.”

Before concluding the interview, Lafyette layed out a plan to save the majestic bead; it will now be defined abstractly in terms of universal physical constants, like how hard it makes you fucking cum. It will be accurate down to the planck length, even the slightest adjustment and it’ll be ruined.

As of press time, the new standard is not available for purchase, but manufactures are scrambling.

Earliest known documentation of size standards, predating 1647 AD.

Op-Ed: I Don’t Have a Drinking Problem, I Just Have a UTI

Notorious terrorist Al-Bacardi targets Columbia Students

By Gustie Owens

By Julia Schreder

fifth wave feminist 1020, TOP RATED STUDENT BAR — I get it, you were concerned when you saw me at 1020 last Thursday deep-throating that tiny red straw, slurping up the watery remains of my third vodka cranberry.

And you should be concerned. About my vaginal health. This is not my first bout of urethral troubles, thank you for asking.

This is a classic case of affordable healthcare. When

March 2020

I get scurvey? I knock back a screwdriver, for the Vitamin C. The flu? A moscow mule, for the ginger. When I need to carboload before a big race? I chug a pitcher or two at Mel's - just to ensure that I go to Koronets to get that calorie count up.

If anything, getting sloshed is just a feminist act. Women’s healthcare should be free— flirting with the 40-year-old beanie-bearing Dad-I-wouldnot-like-to-fuck at the bar for a drink advances the cause.

Unlike sleeping with Peter from Beta, you slut.

Sends 15 to ER during Weekend Attack at Beta House quickly CAVA’d with a broken leg. His faith in AlAlpha Bacardi, like his leg, was shattered.

Another victim of Al-Bacardi was first-year BETA HOUSE––Last weekend at Columbia, Ashley Roush (BC ’23), who, in the frenzy of the disaster struck campus when notorious terrorist Al- attack downed 15 shots at Al-Bacardi’s behest. AlBacardi made a targeted attack at Beta’s annual Cabo Bacardi was seen standing behind Roush forcing Night party. A well-known campus Mecca for lost drink after drink down her gullet while yelling, first years, Beta house was particularly vulnerable to “Drink, you pussy! Drink!” Or wait, maybe that was Al-Bacardi’s tactics due to the high number of teeny just her friend Jenny. Either way, it was apparent that girls who only need two shots to get drunk within it. the evil influence of Al-Bacardi was at work, and The result was a devastating blow to the Roush also ended up in the ER getting her stomach fraternity, one that the brothers may ultimately be pumped at the end of the night. unable to recover from. 15 students were sent to the The Columbia Administration has treated this Emergency Room, one of them Brother Graham event with a heightened level of urgency that it so Jones (CC ’22) who had fallen under the influence of deserves. President Bollinger responded saying, “We Al-Bacardi early in the evening. Jones, intoxicated by cannot tolerate such flagrant attacks against our the ideologue, pledged his loyalty to Al-Bacardi by community. We stand together in this trying time and standing up on a Beta countertop and then making a will bomb the shit out of Harlem to ensure that these leap into the large crowd below him, convinced that actions are met with proportional consequences.” they would catch him. They did not, and Jones was

STANDARDS BORED

13

ARCHITECTURE DIGEST

Magical Lake on Campus Only Appears When It Rains JAYSEN ZHANG/GRAPHICS EDITOR

By Jaysen Zhang swimmer COLLEGE WALK—Every few weeks when there is a strong downpour, a lake appears in the middle of college walk. At the most recent reappearance, students gathered to revel in the magic.

The Federalist was there to survey students’ impressions.

“It’s really quite enchanting,” says Brian Goffman CC‘20. “I’ve been here for four years now, and every time I see overcast and the first drops of rain, I think, ‘the magic lake will reappear.’ It’s so mysterious that you can only see this body of water during a chance meteorological event.”

“I kind of like taking Charon’s ferry across the lake,” says Cassandra Martinez CC‘21. “I mean, sure, it’s the only way to get from most of my classes to the dining halls and Butler— but a mythological being is bringing you across, so that’s kind of cool.”

Unfortunately, in recent years, there has been a growing number of people discounting this supernatural occurrence using “science” and “reason.” They claim that water builds up when it rains because the drainage pipes along College Walk don’t work, and the lake is so large because uneven tiling creates an indent that spans Broadway to Amsterdam.

“I just don’t believe all that,” says Carl Hopkins CC‘22. “I’m an environmental science major, and I know there’s no way that all this water can evaporate overnight. And when it’s

sunny out, College Walk doesn’t look uneven at all. These naysayers are just trying to belittle the magic lake and what it means to us.”

And sure enough, the next

day, it was gone, like a fairy that fades to dust or a unicorn that gallops into the forest. See you next rain, magic lake.

8 Columbia Buildings Ranked by Which Floor Accesses Campus Level School of International and Public Affairs, this building sits firmly at the schermerhorn extension bottom of this list because of how Columbia’s sole mission is to be dissociated it is from the objective NYU with a campus, which makes standards set by the sacred Columbia campus the objective measure for campus grounds. all things Columbia. We chose eight 5: Pupin. This means the first buildings and ranked them by which floor is like way beneath campus. Is it floor accesses our holy campus: a coincidence that all the chairs in this Dishonorable mention: Chandler building are rotting, all the bathrooms Hall. This building, which sits snugly smell, and it’s always hot as ... HELL? between Havemeyer and the Northwest A reminder of what happens when you Corner Building, has no direct access stray too far from Columbia’s campus to campus. It’s almost like it doesn’t 4: Schermerhorn. What even even want to be here. Sad! happens in this building? Despite the 6: International Affairs Building. exterior architecture blending into the As the epitome/personification of the Columbia aesthetic, the labyrinthian

By Jaysen Zhang

14

interior and shifting design motifs between each set of doors is a real confusing mess — not to mention that it refuses to open up to campus on the first floor.

3: Dodge Hall. Better than Dodge Gym, as far as opening up on campus level is concerned. Could rank higher on this list if its Miller Theatre entrance were the main entrance.

2.5: Mathematics. Why is campus access between two different floors?

Kind of an abomination, but it’s close enough to number one that we can’t really be mad.

SUPPORT THE SWIMMERS

2E: Lerner Hall. Okay, we’re mad.

What the fuck.

2: Butler Library. A Columbia icon, yet it can’t quite make number one. A real shame.

1: Carman Hall. That’s right.

Carman snubbed Butler. But the numbers don’t lie. It looks like Carman is the embodiment of Columbia campus after all.

Volume XXXVIII Issue 3

CONTROVERSY IS HOT

WEDMD

"AM I UNDER UNIVERSITY MANDATED SELF QUARANTINE OR DO I HAVE SEASONAL DEPRESSION?"

Student Seen Wearing Plastic Bag to Asian Hum Amid Coronavirus Fears

By ANONYMOUS Conjoined twins In light of the coronavirus outbreak in China, a spat of xenophobia has affected Columbia’s campus. There is, perhaps, no clearer manifestation of these sentiments than Bobbie Lee CC’ 21’s recent donning of a grocery bag over his head due to his fear of contracting the disease in his Asian Hum class.

When asked what prompted him to put on a plastic bag, Lee responded, “A picture of Confucius was projected onto the screen last lecture, and I realized, like, fuck, dude, that guy could have coronavirus. So I went out and got these bags from Morton Williams.” Lee followed up saying, “Yeah, these bags aren’t transparent

March 2020

so my big innovation came when I cut out holes to see and breathe from.”

Lee was seen in his aforementioned attire studying in Kent Hall’s C. V. Starr East Asian Library.

“I was sitting there reading for Lit Hum,” recalled Alice Jackson CC’23, “and I see this man wearing a literal fucking bag with holes on his head like it’s Halloween or something.

Curious, I got up to ask him what in the hell he’s doing, and he told me that he’s ‘the only one here with a little bit of sense.’”

Apparently, confused about the manner in which the virus is transmitted, Lee also mentioned the importance of quarantining certain items and objects that could be carrying the virus. “I put my copy of the Analects of Confucius in a Ziploc bag so that I don’t contract the virus,” Lee said in an interview. “You don’t know how far back this disease could go, man.”

Diagnosis: Political Activism

By ANNIE IEZZI Resident Snowflake While some consider Columbia University to be the liberal bastion of the Ivy League and others think of it as more of a scholarly Antarctica—a library full of snowflakes—every student faces the same question at some point in their four years. Like pediatricians (that they are too old to schedule appointments with) awkwardly question students about STDs, Columbians probe for political perversions in their classmates with the question: “Are you politically active?”

Now, the question isn’t always popped in the direct manner of a nurse impatiently standing at her wheely computer, as the New York elite like to outpolitic those who don’t even know they’re talking politics.

Sometimes, this query comes in the form of a pointed glance at a pro-Israel coffee mug or that girl’s loud assertion that Cynthia Nixon has RUINED “Sex and the City” for everyone who isn’t a Tumblrina. Students name drop campaigns they have interned

on like Prezbo brainstorming neighborhoods to take over, hoping for a positive response.

Some may ask why students go to such confusing lengths to pin the donkey tail or elephant trunk on their peers, but many take these covert cues as a reason to refuse to fraternize with either one camp or the other. These students take their political track records as seriously as their own medical records, erroneously equating support of Elizabeth Warren to the clap of politics: if it’s not stamped out quickly enough, the democratic socialism will spread. Alternatively, to be diagnosed as a cold-hearted altrighter can decimate any player’s sex life as quickly as incurable herpes. Although calling all of your ex-partners once you’ve found out that the itching wasn’t just razor burn is humiliating, whether students are recruiting or protesting speakers, they, too, make countless phone calls. The difference is that they proudly reach out to every Tinder date they can remember and divulge their diagnosis, all the while urging their partners to take action.

Amidst the confusing accusations, hastily-Googled quick facts, and prescriptions both requested and unsolicited, one question remains: Why does political difference foreshadow the same destruction of relationships as magicallyappearing syphilis? Pockets of echo chambers have formed across campus like the sound of contrary opinions is a case of crabs that not even the Chastity Gates can protect against.

However, this self-imposed separation is not as effective at controlling political turmoil as a quarantine for the infected.

Instead, it foments political animosity that lies dormant until breaking out in a blistering rash of hatred at the next protest.

So, this 2020 election cycle, maybe instead of prodding that suspicious blister that you sprouted overnight and showing it to all of your friends for a diagnosis, go to the free clinic.

Click around more sites than just WebMD, read up on your diagnosis (or don’t) and then hop on Tinder to swipe right—or left— on whoever strikes your fancy.

LEIF WOOD/CONTRIBUTING ARTIST

ANGEL'S ADVOCATE

15

BURN THIS PICTURE OF AUSTRALIAN BUSHES AND HAVE YOUR VERY OWN AUSTRALIAN BUSHFIRE!

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???