Issue 3 - December 2024

Volume XLII • Issue 3 • December 2024

Columbia's Only Newspaper That Was Born Via Immaculate Conception

THE TEAM

EDITORIAL BOARD

GENERAL BOARD

Feditors-in-Chief

Publisher/Treasurer Fenway Donegan

Olivia Ruble Dani Winkler

Head Copy Editor Aron Shklar

Managing Editors Sylvi Stein Izzy Szyfer

Head Layout Editor Ella Diaz

Head Submissions Editors Oliver Green Ashley Rapp

Social Media Editors Zoe Silverman Inica Kotasthane

Arts Editor Dani Rivera

Senior Editor Bayan Shimizu

Online Editor Elena Lukac

STAFF

Submissions Editors Beau Gantz Sasha Maroulis Bayan Shimizu Aron Shklar Zoe Silverman Ava Young-Stoner Copy Editors Sophia Brown Jem Hanan Rebecca Ju Ava Lyon-Sereno Clara Neilson-Papish Julia Ryan Reza Shayesteh Ruth Shikanov Katie Stollmack Joshua Thorne Isabella Paz Winger Valerie Sofia Rahman Yum Staff Artists June Frankel Stella Fusaro Ava Lyon-Sereno Alejandro Rojas Stella Turowsky-Ganci Syd Finver 2

Layout Editors Julia Ryan Bayan Shimizu Kamtoya Okeke Ruth Shikanov ​​ Staff Writers Colette Carbonara James Coppersmith Ella Diaz Fenway Donegan Beau Gantz Inica Kotasthane Connor Lee Gabrielle Linder Elena Lukac Ava Lyon-Sereno Sasha Maroulis Livy Molko Clara Neilson-Papish Roger Petersen Valerie Sofia Rahman Yum Julia Ryan Reza Shayesteh Bayan Shimizu Aron Shklar Zoe Silverman Quinn Snyder Joshua Thorne Stella Turowsky-Ganci Victor Uceda-Sosa Kimberly Wing

A Pluralistic Dispatch From Santa’s Workshop Ho-ho-ho!

Happy Last Day of Classes, students of Columbia University! It’s me, Santa Claus, writing to you from the North Pole ahead of the festive and exciting days ahead of us. Special dinners at the dining hall… the sweet glow of the tree lighting as you walk through campus at night… bundling up in your scarf and mittens to grab a hot chocolate at Hungarian or a coffee at Kuro Kuma…

For many of us, however, I understand that the holidays can be a stressful time. If you haven’t finished your language requirement yet, I hope you’re excited to spend the day before Christmas trudging up to the seventh floor of Hamilton to take your language final at 8:00am. Or, if you’re a junior, getting into a brawl outside of University Hardware over the last mid-sized cardboard box before you jet off to your exotic semester in London. Seniors, doesn’t the idea of telling your family that you are “totally going to have a job” by the time you graduate fill you with glee?

As per our last correspondence… It’s come to my attention that your wishlist had some, well, frankly, egregious asks. Increased accessibility to campus? Another Chef Mike’s location? No waitlists for classes you are required to take to graduate? Yeesh, guys. I may be the central figure of the American cultural lexicon, but damn Jackie, I can’t control the weather! How about some more bouncy houses instead? Or five-hundred air-conditioning units for John Jay? (and none for you, Plimpton!)

Maybe, just to be safe, I’ll send you a copy of this year’s third print issue of The Columbia Federalist. It’s got everything: post-election content, winter woes, classes to take if you can’t get off your waitlists, summer internship recs, and, of course, stocking stuffer ideas for the Roar-ees and Rosenburys in your life.

Happy reading to all, and to all a goodnight!

Santa <3

TABLE OF CONTENTS Page 1: party like its ‘25 Page 2: look snow further Page 3: #relatable Page 4: things r gr8 y do u ask Page 5: major bummers all around Page 6: *howls in pain* Page 7: xmas CAME early Page 8: over easy my ass Page 9: def no golden ticket here...

Page 10: yikes Page 11: good omens?

Page 12: fantastic art thx dani!!!

falalalala life is so festive

Page 13: super amazing art pt 2 Page 14: r.i.p. to a legend Page 15: wheeeeeeeeee Page 16: HONK Page 17: life is so hard man Page 18: live love male suffering Page 19: pack your sunglasses...

Page 20: costar is MY god Page 21: tis the damn season Page 22: the end is near...

Page 23: everyone say thanks!

Page 24: it’s snow-ver (for now)

Volume XLII Issue 3

i seeeee youuuu

Thank You iMessage: A Note to That Girl Texting in Front of Me

By Livy Molko

love you girl

To the girl who sits in front of me in my Intro to Art History lecture, I am so grateful that you still think that if the brightness on your laptop is at the lowest setting, nobody behind you can see your texts. But boy, can I see them, and boy, am I the luckiest girl in the world. When I sit down in my seat each Monday and Wednesday at 10:10 A.M., I eagerly wait to experience the enchantment I feel when you open your computer and move your mouse towards that neon green icon.

This unique parasocial relationship that I’ve formed with you saves me from boredom in a way that I will never have the means to repay you for. Your unshakable quality of unshakeable irritation and constantly unstable life echoes

through the lecture hall and fills the weariness in my soul. Oh, higher education system, thank you for boring this girl enough to text constantly.

Oh, digital age, thank you for normalizing oversharing over text. Oh, spirits above, thank you for this gift!

On another note, I’m sorry your parents are getting a divorce. I’m also sorry your boyfriend told you he didn’t like your new haircut, which makes the back of your head look great. He’s been super deadbeat recently, and it seems like you deserve more than someone trying to quit your relationship of two years. Maybe it would help if you stopped cheating on him. I feel like he knows. I also think you should go to the doctor about that rash you were telling your mom about. It seems pretty serious.

I owe you so much. Thank you for everything you do for me. You don’t know me, but I sure

June Frankel/Staff Artist do know you. And I sure do know that you’re gonna do great things one day. I am so proud of you.

Sincerely, The girl who sits behind you and has not learned a single thing about Art History the entire semester

Mary and Joseph Attempt Second Semester Registration

By Beau Gantz

man of the faith

In the days of Katrina Armstrong, Interim President of Columbia, an angel of the Lord appeared to Mary in an email, and spoke to her, announcing: “Dear Advisees, I hope your semester is going well. I’m writing to remind you that registration for the Spring 2025 term is fast approaching.”

Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel spoke to her, and said, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with SSOL. You will register at 8:30 AM on the day of your registration.”

When Joseph had learned of this, he shamefully planned to change his schedule quietly, as he had a 2:30 PM registration and believed he could not make it into any of his preferred classes anymore. The angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, “Joseph son of David, that is a bummer. You have no shot of getting into a PE class now.”

And so when the day arrived that classes were to be registered, Joseph watched Mary log into SSOL and begin to register. But the husband was troubled, for his wife had no classes prepared in her little wishlist thing.

Mary said to him, “Worry not, husband. I have it all in Vergil.” Joseph replied, “You have to export those. Vergil isn’t anything in terms of registering. You have to have it on SSOL. Do you remember the call numbers of the classes?” Mary said, “uh…um, no.” “Let me do it,” replied Joseph.

After the two had confirmed their log-in on Duo three times, Mary attempted to register for the classes that were interesting to her and relevant to her major. She tried to register for Ethical Issues in Museums, but the system told her that there was no room. Again, she tried to register for Sociology of Education, but the system told her that there was no room.

A third time, Mary tried to register for one of Brian Greene’s classes, but

the system laughed at her and told her the course was blocked, and she needed the heavenly intervention of instructor permission.

As Mary grew wearisome, an angel of the Lord appeared to her, and showed her to a small classroom in Hamilton filled with farm animals and a manger. “What the hell is all of this?” asked Mary. The angel replied, “This shall be among your classes next semester. The Lord has heard your cries, and understands that your manger is the most important factor in your registration.” Mary said to the angel, “What? No. Major. Jesus Christ.” The angel replied, “Ohhhh, gotcha. Oopsies. That’s on me.”

And so Mary and Joseph spent the spring studying Ancient Greek and Actuarial Science and whatever bullshit classes that took them from the waitlist. Neither of them ever completed their PE requirement.

Dani Rivera/Arts Editor

December 2024

did they pass the swim test tho?

3

apocolypse pending...

Rainforest Cafe Rebrands as Drought and Deforestation Cafe in Response to Election Results

By Inica Kotasthane doing totally fine we swear!

Ahead of President-re-elect Donald Trump’s inauguration, businesses are making big changes to their environmental messaging, adapting to dire projections of climate change. Everyone’s favorite childhood restaurant, the Rainforest Cafe, has announced that they are rebranding to the Drought and Deforestation Cafe.

According to CEO Steven Schussler, “Rainforest Cafe was designed with kids in mind. This new generation of children will not know what rainforests are, so it’s time for a relevant rebrand. We feel that it is our responsibility to educate them on how badly their parents and grandparents fucked everything up.”

Beyond the renaming, restaurant decorations have also seen an upgrade. Schussler states, “We are removing all the trees and many animals. Our guests will experience a choking atmosphere of dust and illumination from extremely hot light sources, and we’re adding a faint sound of logging behind all the animal chatter. Additionally, tap water will no longer be complimentary; guests will need to travel to their nearest freshwater source and retrieve the water themselves.”

Dani Rivera/Arts Editor

Schussuler explained that the restaurants will phase out the “Rainforest” moniker and gradually switch over to the new name depending on the predicted severity of climate change to the location’s region. The chain’s locations in the United Arab Emirates will experience the name change first.

I’m a Barnard Senior Entering my Final College Course Registration, Here’s What I Picked:

By Ashley Rapp so excited to get waitlisted for every single one!

ANTH-BC3116 Digital Alterity: The Oral History and Iconography of the Oomf EESC-BC3027 The Ethics of Digestive Methane: Case Study on the Star Yak Ranch ENGL-UN2114 Menus AHIS-BC3218 Looksmaxxing as Visual Currency within Portraiture PSYCH-BC1001 Intro Psych Lab

Ashley Rapp/Head Submissions Editor

Tree Lighting Rescheduled for—Oh, There It Goes

By Beau Gantz

between my friends and colleagues and not you. I really don’t think it was supposed to happen yet, but they just went for it. You could still come out Columbia’s annual tree-lighting is a cherished tradition to students and and see them if you want, but it’s obviously not the same as being there for faculty alike. This year, make sure you’re there in person when the big mo- when they were lit. Man, you’re gonna be seeing Instagram stories of this for ment comes. Administration has rearranged the schedule to account for fi- a while. That’s a bummer. nals, and now the tree lighting will take place at—oh damn, there it goes.

Shoot. Well, if you’re not a senior, you can try again next year. And if you Wow. That is beautiful. Sucks that you missed it. are a senior, I got a pretty low quality vertical video of me and my friends Welp. I wish you could’ve been there. What a wonderful moment shared watching it live. That’s the next best thing, right? not so jolly after all...

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damn!

Volume XLII Issue 3

i don’t want to live in this context

A 10-Song Post-Election Playlist for Kamala Harris

By Federalist Staff

7. Kiwi — Harry Styles Dear Madame Vice President, Her baby is none of YOUR business!

6. Just a Girl — No Doubt Heyyyy girly! We know you’ve been having Said it before and will say it again!

A Week. Shots on us whenever you’re ready 5. What Was I Made For? — Billie Eilish to talk, but in the meantime, here’s a Don’t tell Doug :-[ playlist!

4. I Know The End — Phoebe Bridgers I think we ALL hate Texas Sincerely, 3.

AMERICA HAS A PROBLEM — The Fed Beyoncé, Kendrick Lamar lol go read that title again 10. U + Ur Hand — P!nk 2. Pick Me — girl in red :-] Always remember that it’s okay to 9. Independence Day — Martina McBride not be okay!

We salute you! (NOT literally) 8. Girl, so confusing — Charli XCX, Lorde 1. Fuck You — Lily Allen Self. Fucking. Explanatory.

Yeah, you walk like a bitch. So what? we gotchu girl

Syd Finver/Staff Artist

Butler Cough, a Haiku Mayor Eric Adams Claims He Could’ve Beaten Trump: “It Takes a

By Stella Turowsky-Ganci Criminal to Beat a Criminal.”

The silent workers tremble *hack*

A thunderous burst of sound I coughed in Butler

By Joshua Thorne

Nah I’d Win

In the wake of Donald Trump’s landslide victory in the 2024 presidential election, many of us have leveraged our shock and outrage into speculation. There has been furious debate online about which policies lost Kamala Harris the election, or whether she would have defeated Donald Trump with a different VP pick. New York City Mayor Eric Adams, on the other hand, has questioned whether Harris was the right choice at all.

In a press conference held in the hours after the election was called for Trump, Adams suggested that he would have been a much better presidential candidate than Kamala Harris.

“Kamala’s approach to defeating a convicted felon in the presidential election was to lean into her role as a prosecutor, but look where that got her. The truth is, the American people don’t want a narc in the White House. Instead, you have to fight fire with fire. What I mean is, you need someone who understands Trump, who thinks like him. If Donald Trump is corrupt, erratic, and consistently subject to foreign influence, then they should’ve picked someone with the same background. Maybe it takes a criminal to defeat a criminal. And, you know, these are qualities that I happen to possess, and I think if they had given me a shot I could’ve beaten him at his own game.”

In addition to his corrupt administration, shady foreign connections of questionable legality, and his tendency to lie in situations where such fabrications are entirely unnecessary, Eric Adams highlighted his success in local politics, his uncanny ability to unite his constituents in hatred towards him, and his recent proficiency in the Turkish language as qualities that both he and Trump shared—all of which made him a better candidate to defeat Trump than Kamala Harris.

In an off-camera remark that has since gone viral, Adams expressed hope that if elected he could, like Trump, use his powers as President to pardon himself before he was convicted on any of the federal charges he is faced with.

June Frankel/Staff Artist

December 2024

guys why is p!nk not on spotify

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get me out of here...

Op-Ed: My Parents Are Too Supportive

Columbia Dining Really Hoping Food Inspection Grade is Curved

By Stella Turowsky-Ganci

leave me alone!

Alejandro Rojas/Staff Artist

One thing about my parents, my lovely, caring, generous parents, is that they’ve put a lot of time and effort into my education. They put me in all the best schools growing up and helped me along my path to Columbia University in the City of New York. This was not easy for them, and they made many sacrifices, but they always contended that it was “worth it to see me be a successful woman.” They even went as far as saying that they would “support me no matter what.”

Woah there! Certainly, this promise comes with some boundaries– like murder or something horrible.

However, I’ve done something worse. I, a highly educated Ivy League student, have made the choice that every parent dreads...

I’m majoring in theater.

And here’s the real kicker, my parents? They support me! Why would they do that? Don’t they know that this is where they are supposed to reject my star-studded fantasies and force me to be a doctor or a lawyer, so that in 40 years when I can actually retire, and I’m rich but miserable, I can sigh and say, “Well in college, I wanted to be an actress! Can you believe it?”

At the very least, they are supposed to be sorta, kinda bummed about it, and then guilt me into choosing a realistic career. What they ABSOLUTELY are not supposed to do is support me! Why on god’s green earth would they enable me?

This new, supportive age of parents is ruining this generation. This is an Ivy League for Christ’s sake! Whatever happened to breeding the rich and sad? What a shame...

Parents, do your duty. Don’t support your kids.

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By Bayan Shimizu or inflated...

Following a recent NYC Health food inspection of Ferris Booth Commons, the directorship of Columbia Dining was last seen pouring through their Health Standards syllabus to see if their end-of-year grade would be curved based on other colleges’ performances.

The internal mood of the department has reportedly been one of frustration and sadness. Columbia Dining, which recently ranked #22 on Princeton Review’s ranking of college cafeterias, was disappointed after receiving their grade back on NYC Health’s canvas page, with one director reportedly throwing their phone onto their bed in anger after checking his “Assignment Graded” notification.

One anonymous official claimed that not curving up their health inspection grade would be an injustice considering how much effort they put into their food. Speaking to a Federalist reporter, he said “Come on, everyone gets a B now and then - what’s so bad about wanting to make sure that we aren’t being judged too harshly for doing just as well as our peers?”

All hope is not lost, however. If Columbia Dining can study up for the final and ace the rest of their “Is it Edible?” problem sets, an A- or even an A may still be possible even without curving. To accommodate this change, the Ferris pizza table will be replaced by a stack of flash cards for employees to study during work hours.

To make sure their next test has a bit higher chance of success before inspection, Lerner Hall will reportedly no longer allow any guests with city employee IDs to enter the building unless they check in a day in advance.

Fedstigation: Are the Books in the Reading Rooms Real?

By Julia Ryan on the (book)case

An investigation by your loyal Federalists has revealed a harrowing truth: the beloved books lining the walls of your favorite reading room in Butler are fakes!

A tip was called in by a concerned student who had been procrastinating on her P-Set and decided to take a peek at the French Catholic dictionary on the shelf of her Butler reading room. “It seemed relevant at the time,” she recalls. “Maybe there was something in it about derivatives…” Alas, when she tried to crack open the supposed trove of knowledge, she discovered that it was Stella Fusaro/Staff Artist merely a brick with some paper wrapped around it.

The Federalist launched a full investigation, combing through all of the alleged 2 million volumes held captive at Butler, only to find that nearly every single one was fake: painted cardboard box, carved into marble, or Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code with a different cover.

spoiler: they’re not

Volume XLII Issue 3

tech savvy!

Respond to These Texts and We’ll Assign You a Dining Hall Food to Fit Your Personality!

By Clara Neilson-Papish

yay fed game

“Hi! I hope school is going well. Do you think you’d be able to drop by and babysit this Friday?”

A) I’d be happy to! Honestly, you don’t even need to pay me– I miss being a part of your family!

B) I’m sorry, but I’m busy this week. Maybe next time?

C) NO D)

“Anyone want to meet up this weekend to study?”

A) I would love to! I’ll book a study room. And maybe I’ll bake cookies too. Would matching “study buddy” t-shirts be too much?

B) Sure. What time?

C) With you? I think I’ll find better company elsewhere, but I’ll let you know if someone cancels.

D) I’m busy

“heyy could I see your answers for the french hw” A) Of course! I can even write out alternate responses for you so that we don’t have the same answers! Is there anything else I can do for you?

B) I don’t feel comfortable sharing my work, but if you have any questions I can try to answer them.

C) Do it yourself, you lazy overcooked noodle.

D) Perhaps…

If you answered mostly A’s: you are Chef Mike’s Hot Honey Chicken! You are overwhelmingly sweet. Enjoy giving people stomach aches, you sicko! Sometimes you have to put your foot down. Learn to say no.

If you answered mostly B’s: you are Ferris pizza. Yes, you’re reliable and consistent, but that can be a little boring. Learn to live on the edge from a to time!

If you answered mostly C’s: you are John Jay’s Halloween Toxic Pasta. Wow! Someone needs to take a deep breath. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

If you answered mostly D’s: you are the unlabelled soup at Hewitt.

Mysterious and suave. No one really knows what’s going on inside you, but that’s okay. Stay cryptic.

👶

What’s your uni?”

A) It’s cla123! And might I just say that I’m here for anything that uni-eed (“you need”)! Hah! B) cla123 D) Wouldn’t you like to know.

D) Uni? I ni! We all ni…

Woman in STEM becomes STEM in Woman: Columbia Bookstore Announces Vibrator Line

By Olivia Ruble

December 2024

right in time for winter! keep yourselves warm <3

Federalist Staff Artist

goooood vibrations

Ever been polishing your pearl and thought, You know what would make this better? A little Ivy League spirit. Or maybe you’re rendezvousing with that special someone and suddenly wonder, Would my lover’s cup overfloweth if this vibrator bore the noble crest of Columbia University? Well, good news—your cries for school pride have been heard! Presenting the latest must-have from the Columbia University Bookstore: the all-new Columbia™ vibrator.

Lovingly designed by none other than our very own Dean of the Fu Foundation School of Engineering, Shih-Fu Chang, this little number comes with seven carefully calibrated intensity settings and an impressive thirteen vibration patterns—but who’s counting?

Federalist reporters have been on the ground and in the bedroom to collect testimonies from the Columbia community. “Best holiday gift ever!” cheered one student, staggering out of the bookstore with an armload of Columbia Vibrators. “Got one for Mom, one for Grandma, and one for my lab partner!” Another buyer confided, “Honestly? This thing gave me a rash. But, like, a prestigious rash.”

So, next time you’re DJing down in Bushwick, don’t show up with just any old toy. Get the only one approved by your alma mater. Use the code “FedFucks” for a very tasteful 10% off !

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Startling New Study Finds Dining Hall Eggs Contain Trace Amounts of Egg

eggy af

By Beau Gantz

be careful, yolks

Do you know what’s in your breakfast? A concerning new study has revealed that the scrambled eggs served in Columbia and Barnard dining halls actually contain trace amounts of egg. The study was published in the Columbia Daily Review of Ovum Sciences. The authors concluded that up to half of the eggs served at Columbia contain remnants of egg materials, and some samples consist of approximately 3% actual egg.

The news came as a surprise to many students, including Shelly Sunnyside, CC ‘27. “I’ve been a vegan for three years now, and I could always rely on the dining hall eggs as a good source of protein that contained absolutely

no animal products whatsoever,” Sunnyside told The Fed. “Now, not only do I have to find an alternative for my breakfast, but I also have to accept the fact that the eggs I’ve been eating for two years actually have egg in them.

Like, from a real life chicken. That’s insane.”

Columbia Dining has scrambled to address the claims, but so far has found no way to beat the all-egg-ations.

(That’s just a little egg pun from me to you.)

Anyway, dozens of lawsuits have been filed by students with egg allergies who assumed that, obviously, those pale blocks of yellow Jell-O weren’t actually eggs. Chef Mike has personally settled for upwards of $25 million.

Stella Chiara Fusaro/Staff Artist

12 Days of Winter Break

By Ashley Rapp how merry

On the twelfth day of winter break, my family gave me...

Twelve relatives questioning my degree Eleven laps around my boring hometown mall Ten local useless networking candidates to chat with Nine random cousins to babysit Eight ghosts from my past lurking at my local Dunkin’ Seven doctor appointments for every bodily function Six disappointing piercings my mother wants me to hide Five hours of unsolicited yard work Four of my grandma’s friends in need of help turning off their phone flashlights Three painful hours of Christmas card photo-taking Two lectures about my ‘choppy’ bangs aaaaaaaaand a childhood bedroom full of boxes

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on the ten millionth day of the semester my professor gave to me...

Volume XLII Issue 3

bells are riiiinging....

The Fed’s Advice Corner: Ask a Child Prodigy!

By Oliver Green and Ashley Rapp

boss baby irl

Our readers wrote in to ask questions of The Fed’s resident boy supergenius: Caleb Brooks, age 4, IQ of 280, from Lincoln, Nebraska.

Q: Dear Caleb the boy supergenius, Sometimes when I’m in school, I find it so hard to motivate myself to do work. I really want to put my best effort into everything I do, but it can be too easy to take the foot off the gas. How can I get my study habits back on track?

Best, Loyal Reader A (transcribed): Hello! I am Caleb. I like trucks. Gas makes them go vroom on the highway. My favorite truck is the red one because it goes beep.

Beeeeeeep!

Beep-beep! Vrrrrrrrrr-pshhhhhhkkkkk-boom! Heeheeheeehee!* *Editor’s note: these noises are made as Caleb crashes two red Tonka trucks into each other. This may indicate that Caleb is urging the reader to speak up for oneself and voice their academic frustrations.

Q: Dear Caleb the boy supergenius, I had a really tough time going home this year for Thanksgiving. I love my mom and dad, but sometimes when they start talking about politics, things can get really tense. How would you advise me to begin opening up to my parents?

Truly, Loyal Reader A (transcribed): Mommy! I love mom. She is great. I love her mac and cheese! It tastes soooooooooooo yummy.* *Editor’s note: intriguing stuff from Caleb here – one could only dream of having the idyllic familial relationship Caleb has carefully crafted. Here, he emphasizes the base needs and experiences that unite us with our family, closing the all-too-common divide between loved ones.

Q: Dear Caleb the boy supergenius, I recently moved in with my boyfriend and we’ve been having some tough conversations. How would you best address the male-female income divide and financial responsibility within a joint heterosexual household in lieu of the wage gap?

Thanks, Loyal Reader A (transcribed): This block goes here. And then that block can go on top with Bluey. * *Editor’s note: Caleb appears to be stacking blocks in a similar fashion to the infamous equity fence diagram.

Take note of his empowerment of Miss Bluey within this structure—clearly highlighting that the barriers to equity are not only externally inflicted, but personally reinforced. Additionally, it’s important to note that the block tower is getting pretty high, and Caleb is eyeing it like he’s about to absolutely plow through it with a Tonka truck.

Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Staff Artist

O Great John Jay Pasta Bar: A Love Poem

By Stella Turowsky-Ganci alfredo, come back to me

O great John Jay pasta bar Your fixins’ make me weep, Creamy cheese sauce Marinara too My favorite post-class treat!

Sequestered in my corner chair Back hunched over my plate.

When I have you, Dearest pasta bar, Who needs a dinner date?

Every day I come to find you Whole wheat penne, rigatoni, or bow ties Exclaiming out loud: “You are perfect, my love!”

Any shape or any size Your pungent flavors touch my tongue And heads turn as I sing, “O my beloved, beautiful pasta bar Accept this engagement ring!”

Off to St. Paul’s Chapel, we march To begin our lives anew O great John Jay pasta bar, How I do love you!

December 2024

i was a gifted kid, okay? surely that counts

9

sponsored by crayola?

White House Stocks Up on Coloring Books and Crayons to Prepare for Trump’s Second Term

By Inica Kotasthane While White House staff has been dreading the return of President-elect Donald Trump, they acknowledge that they are better equipped to handle his needs this time around. In preparation for Trump’s second term, the White House is stocking up on his must-haves for effective governance: coloring books, crayons, and construction paper.

An anonymous White House staffer divulged Trump’s artistic habits with The Federalist. “During boring meetings, Trump often draws semi-realistic eyes on the corner of the paper. He also doodles the occasional iconic 14-line ‘S,’” she told us.

This staffer is currently in the process of obtaining a 64-pack of Crayola crayons with a built-in sharpener at the back of the box. However, she is finding difficulty with this task because Trump’s Chief of

haha can u even color inside the lines

Staff has requested a pack that includes a crayon named “Trump Turquoise.” She is also slated to purchase a Joe Biden coloring book titled “Hot Cup of Joe.” When pressed for comment, President-elect Trump remarked, “I intend to have all the best coloring books, believe me,” and then proceeded to insult The Federalist’s impeccable journalistic integrity. What Trump calls the “big table that he signs stuff on” in the Oval Office is now draped with a long sheet of paper, similar to a Denny’s.

The White House is additionally seeking an aide to help with replacing the paper once it gets too full.

To the excitement of some archivists (but the disdain of everyone else), the fridges of the White House will soon be decorated with the President’s art.

Syd Finver/Staff Artist

My Application to Be Trump’s Secretary of the Interior

By Trips Francesco better than the actual pick tbh

In my first semester at Columbia University, one aspect of college life that struck me was just how expensive New York City really is.

I ran through virtually all of my graduation money on haircuts and $9 coffee in just a few months. I discussed my financial predicament with my advisor, who recommended that I apply to a couple of oncampus jobs or a work-study program. She said that “something not too stressful or time-consuming” would be best for me.

But I go to Columbia, damn it! I have been told my whole life that I can be/do whatever I want, and ever since I learned that the Secretary of Interior was a real job a couple of days ago, it is ALL that I have dreamed of doing. Plus, it's one of those bureaucratic positions where no one knows exactly what the job description is; in all honesty, it sounds like a chill part-time gig that I could easily balance alongside my rigorous coursework and tireless dedication to The Federalist.

So, President-Elect Trump, I have included below 6 really good reasons as to why you should select me as the next U.S. Secretary of the Interior: 1. I LOVE the interior. I love cuddling up in the interior of a

10

blanket, riding in the interior of a car, studying in the interior of Butler…you get the picture.

2. I don’t know what the Secretary of the Interior does! Usually, this would make someone unqualified for a job, but, you and I, we think outside the box—we think outside the interior (see what I did there). To ease your concerns about my qualifications, I will say this: I am as qualified to be the Secretary of the Interior as Elon Musk is qualified to run the Department of Education and RFK Jr. the Department of Health.

3. I’m really good at lying. I know how much that means to you, Mr. Trump. To ease your concerns about my qualifications: just ask my ex-girlfriend. She can vouch for me.

4. I’m loyal. DO NOT ask my ex-girlfriend about this!!! Just trust me on it, I would never cheat on you, baby—I mean, Mr. President-Elect.

5. I hate the Exterior.

6. I need a way out of jail. I was the last person prosecuted in the city of New York for jaywalking before they decriminalized the action. So, from one convict to another, please help me out and make me your Secretary of the Interior so this can all go away.

i hate this man

Volume XLII Issue 3

breaking rules is just so cool and quirky!

OP-ED: Now That Jaywalking is Legal in New York City, I Don’t Want to Do it Anymore

By Reza Shayesteh

Today, New York City officially made one of its most ancient and sacred practices legal. Even though I didn’t even know it was actually “illegal,” the rebellious act of crossing the street while a glowing red hand sparkled down at me always gave me a rush — perhaps even a high! But now that it’s legal, I’m totally uninterested.

Now doing it basically feels like going to the M&M store in Times Square in an ‘I <3 New York’ shirt. How are New Yorkers supposed to feel cool when the thing that they do to show everyone that they’re incredibly busy and cooler than you for not doing is now, if not encouraged, at least legal??

In protest, I will be waiting patiently on the correct part of the sidewalk for the walking man to appear, and I encourage every other New Yorker to do the same— STICK IT TO THE MAN!

December 2024

don’t mind me causing a scene!

Stella Chiara Fusaro/Staff Artist

WAIT. WAIT.

11

but what if i wear barnard merch so people know i DONT go to columbia

I Wear Columbia Merch so That Everyone at Columbia Knows I Go to Columbia

By Connor Lee CC’28 did you know?

I just love wearing Columbia merch. The moment that Champion-branded fabric touches my skin? Immediate chills. My chest swells with pride. My chin lifts. My mouth tugs back into a smug smile. In an instant, I feel like $93,417.

As I walk out of my dorm, I make sure all eyes are on my sweatshirt. Sure, I’m aware that everyone else here goes to Columbia. But I REALLY go to Columbia. Like the Ivy League. Like the one rated #6 in the nation on Forbes and Niche. Like the one with an acceptance rate of less than 4%. Yeah, THAT Columbia.

This morning, I went to Morton Williams and struck up a conversation with the cashier. “You work here? That’s crazy, I go to school nearby! What school, you ask? Oh, just a small liberal arts college in Morningside Heights. You might’ve heard of it…” To which the cashier sighed and said, “Just pay for the groceries, man.” I guess someone isn’t having a good day.

On occasion I’ll catch another person donning ye ole’ school colors. And I’ll give them a little nod of acknowledgement. You are seen, you are heard, you are loved. There’s nothing more validating than knowing your personal worth is tied directly to your school.

The only thing that can knock me off my pedestal is Juilliard merch. Imagine being doubly qualified. ~shivers~

Fed’s Guide to Using Dating Apps Over Winter Break

By Dani Rivera choose! your! character!

The sensible answer to whether you should or should not use a dating app in your hometown is ….. NO. However, The Fed is realistic. We know our readers are bored and hungry for some dramaaaaa. Nothing in life is as boring as day 12 of endlessly scrolling through Instagram in your childhood bedroom. Here are some ways to keep yourself entertained this winter break with the help of Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, and maybe even Grindr ;) 1) For the queers, see who is gay (duh).

Easiest for shock value, and hits every time.

Give them a few years and they’ll be hitting you up when they want to move to NYC. *Negative aura points if they made fun of you for being gay in high school.

2) For underclassmen, see which high school couples broke up. Long distance is so

14

over…like half of your high school couples will realize that by the end of freshman fall semester. Make it a game: try to see which photos on their dating app profile were taken by their ex!

3) For the drama seekers, find out who is cheating and (maybe) blackmail them! The Fed does not endorse blackmailing, unless, of course, you give us 50% of your profits.

4) For the hopeless romantic, try to find your high school crush. Yeah, things didn’t work out junior year, but maybe it’s time to reconnect? That just wasn’t your moment or how “your guys’ story” was meant to be.

Maybe this is…probably not, but maybe.

5) For those who love a drinking game, drink every time you see a fish being held, a pickup truck, a selfie in your local mall’s mirror, a friend’s ex, or a high-waisted jean.

6) For the mentally sane, don’t. <3

you’re welcome!

June Frankel/Staff Artist

Grandma Got Run Over

By Chef Mike

By Sasha Maroulis

pls dont drink and drive

Grandma got run over by Chef Mike Walking home from Uris Christmas Eve You can say he never meant to do it But as for all the students we believe She’d been wolfing down too much of the gyro Her bag was stuffed with Cheetos, cookies too You could tell Chef Mike was getting angry And he knew the fateful thing he had to do He closed the shop as she was leaving Uris Made his way through swarms of Econ bros And as he caught up to her at the steps A delightful warm aroma hit his nose Grandma got run over by Chef Mike Walking home from Uris Christmas Eve You can say he never meant to do it But as for all the students we believe Chef Mike thought back to when he was a child How his grandma made the greatest subs of all And if she was the greatest sandwich maker She could be the greatest sub in Uris Hall The Chef Mike’s Grandma’s Special was a big hit That sandwich really packed a meaty punch And so Chef Mike would smile at the students As they ate that roadkill grandma for their lunch Grandma got run over by Chef Mike Walking home from Uris Christmas Eve You can say he never meant to do it But as for all the students we believe

Volume XLII Issue 3

now THAT is what i call campus improvement

Columbia Introduces Campus-Wide Ziplines

By Clara Neilson-Papish and Izzy Szyfer

see you in a zip!!!

Zwhoop! What was that? Oh, just the new ziplines across campus that Columbia introduced in effort to reduce collisions between students looking down at their phones! “Look, we’ve tried everything - but at the end of the day, these kids just don’t fucking walk. So we thought, ‘eh, why make them? Let them eat cake - give ‘em ziplines!’” an anonymous campus administrator griped to The Fed. In order to participate in this revolutionary campus measure, students will need to swipe their CUIDs to get on a zipline and wear a Pantone 292 safety helmet, per Columbia restrictions. Early reports have shown that the measure has made waves across campus: 26 percent of students have revealed a newfound fear of heights, and a 12 percent increase in the use of whimsical phrases like “Wahoo!!” and “Yippee!” heard around campus - especially at Barnard, where the carabiner community has been thrilled.

Unfortunately, it hasn’t been all fun and games on this new transportation method. There have been mass collisions of students on their phones on the ziplines, and several professors have gotten stuck in the middle of a zipline. While these ziplines may seem like a great way of reducing campus foot traffic, Columbia Health has seen several students with concussions from being kicked from a low-hanging zipline, and student feedback has been mixed. “I don’t know, I was pretty drawn to the whole ‘the city is our campus’ thing. Now it’s more like our campus is a ropes course at a suburban zoo. Which is cool, I guess, but my mom won’t let me do it,” Charlie Cable, SEAS ‘27, told The Fed. Most worryingly, the small but mighty campus collective of slackliners has begun warring with the zipliners for dominance of dorky line-based activities. The good news is, if they start brawling, you’ll be there to see it in a zip!

Eric Adams Unsure Whether to Include Turkish Language Proficiency on GS Application

Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist

By Bayan Shimizu not to brag or anything

Fearing an imminent change in employment, Mayor Eric Adams was recently seen editing his application to the School of General Studies, unsure if his knowledge of the Turkish language will help or hinder his chances at admission.

According to sources at the mayor’s office, Adams is preparing for a career shift out of politics, and feels that a new four-year degree might help with his pivot to a new industry. His application to join the Class of 2029 comes at a time of great scrutiny following his indictment on charges of corruption relating to foreign nationals.

December 2024

“The mayor is proud of his time learning the beautiful language of Türkiye Türkçesi, but doesn’t want to scare the admissions officer by making them think of any recent scandals,” said one of Adams’ mayoral aides, before interrupting our transcription to ask if we were hiring. Adams reportedly feels that including the language would showcase his global perspective, but also might increase the chances that the phrase “Eric Adams Turkish” is Googled by an admissions officer.

Adams was last seen hiring himself for a city administration internship to pad out his ten extracurriculars.

would he pass his own test?

15

aaaand many more?

Secretary of Commerce to be Determined by Who Attends Barron Trump’s Birthday

By Fenway Donegan someone send partiful link pls

New reports confirm that Barron Trump, in an attempt to juice up the attendance for his Freshman year birthday party at NYU, has proclaimed that one lucky partygoer will be selected to serve as Secretary of Commerce in the incoming Trump Administration. The Federalist has received and verified a link to the Partiful invitation, which reveals that partygoers can increase their chances by inviting two more people to the dorm party and posting screenshot confirmation in the comments section. Rumors have it that boosted odds may also be given to those who share videos of themselves burning copies of the Constitution, or ripping out the 22nd Amendment. Additionally, attendees are asked to Venmo @The_Donald_47 if they plan on drinking, since beers and two bottles of Titos will be available for guests. However, guests are encouraged to bring their own beer, resumes, or bribes, all of which will be shared with the Trump family. As of press time, all guests had ditched the party after Barron reportedly attempted to “get sturdy.”

Students Clamor for Summer Internship at Hooda Halal

Syd Finver/Staff Artist

The Goose Not Worn

By Izzy Szyfer

By Reza Shayesteh, Sylvi Stein, and Dani Winkler

inspired by (read: stolen directly from) Robert Frost

Two Canada Gooses diverged in a dorm closet, And sorry I could not wear both And be doubly-coated, long I stood And looked at one as long as I could To where it folded in the cupboard;

(4 years experience necessary)

Forget Jane Street—the most in-demand summer internship this year is at the food truck at 116th and Broadway. Summer applications for the coveted Hooda Halal internship program opened this fall, and interested students are ready to endure a brutal application process that involves six rounds of interviews, nine letters of recommendations, and a minimum requirement of a 3.95 GPA. “Sure, it’s grueling,” junior Wendy McDonald told The Fed, “but everyone knows that a Hooda internship is like LinkedIn gold.”

Company representatives have begun to reach out to students on Handshake and LinkedIn, offering a position for students who are curious, collaborative and have the drive to make things possible for clients and communities.

The Halal-truck Industry is known for delivering high quality results and creative solutions to their clients, including innovative red-to-white-sauce ratios, meat combination acquisitions, intensive french-fry usage, and authentic solutions to local problems.

Hooda Halal will be inviting students from all majors and schools to an upcoming in-person event, where prospective interns will have the opportunity to learn directly from partners about the different divisions that make up one of our most important businesses in the fast-food sphere, including but not limited to meat-chopping, lettuce-grabbing, sauce-pouring, and cash-register manning. Applicants should be well versed in assigning charming nicknames to customers, such as “Brother” and “My Friend.” Selected interns will be able to receive college credit in the form of extra fries, no charge.

16

Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was longer and wanted wear; Though as for that, the outfits there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In shades every New Yorker had worn—black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how trend leads to trend, I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh, Sometime ages and ages hence: Two Canada Gooses diverged in my wood closet, and I— I took the one less worn by, And that fit has made all the difference.

will YOU be the chosen one?

Volume XLII Issue 3

#isurvived

I Lived It: I Showed a WKCR Member My Spotify Wrapped

By Julia Ryan if it’s not fusion jazz, don’t bother

Maybe it was hubris. Musically, I had a great year.

Finally, I had freed myself from the soul-crushing grip of my middle-school music taste. I perused music Twitter. I watched Anthony Fantano and read Pitchfork. I even created a Topsters (version 3) for my albums. 10x12. Color-coded. I was convinced I had become a musicologist, a connoisseur, a maestro, a virtuoso, Columbia’s resident music scholar.

Any other time, if my WKCR-employed hallmate asked me what music I listened to, I would have changed the subject, run away, or made up probable genres of indie bands (“You’ve heard of The Doorways? They’re kind of electronic dance midwestcore. Like a pov: escape room emo version of Rat Tails.”) This time, I did none of those things.

Instead, I whipped out my phone and pulled up my Spotify. With a self-assured feeling and a calm

expression, I watched my hallmate slowly scroll through my Wrapped as their brow furrowed in what I assumed to be awe.

What followed was a soul-crushing 30-minute conversation that left me with a shattered sense of self and a few new music recommendations. I listened to the wrong artists (“Yeah I know them…you heard them on TikTok, right?”)

When I listened to the right artists, I listened to the wrong songs (“You need to be listening to the demos they throw out behind the recording studio.”) And when I somehow managed to get everything right, I was listening wrong (“Airpods distort sound. The only way you can really enjoy music is through Emile Berliner’s original gramophone.”)

It is not an understatement to say that my confidence is shot and I will not recover from this.

Never pass me the aux again.

Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist

Professor Indoctrinating Students Clearly Doesn’t Have Their Heart in It

By Beau Gantz

break into small groups to shit on the founding fathers, she hardly guides One of the most important roles of a Columbia professor is to the conversation. Until this professor finds her passion again, it’s in the misrepresent facts to indoctrinate students into socialist, America-hat- institution’s best interest that she takes a step back and leaves the indoctriing, pink-haired freaks. This is not only a part of their job description, nation to someone who actually cares about poisoning America’s future. but a service to the overall mission of higher education—to turn good ol’ patriotic children into card-carrying communists in four short years.

This makes it even more disappointing when the professor doing the radicalizing is obviously just going through the motions.

Intro to American Politics professor Annie Kapitilis doesn’t even seem like she cares about distorting the worldview of America’s youth.

As she reviewed CNN’s coverage of the election, she barely even tried to stir students into unionized bloodlust. Instead, she only made a passing comparison between Trump and Hitler before continuing to review the textbook reading. Additionally, as the advisor for the Columbia Violent Protests and Fake News Dissemination Club, Kapitilis has taken a backseat to the students—who are not yet qualified or experienced enough to effectively divide this country!

And this is where our tuition dollars go? She is barely talking about critical race theory or how God is a trans woman; and when the students late-term capitalism hits everyone hard :(

Julia Ryan/Staff Artist

December 2024

same, man

17

new years resolution is to get this school back to hating football

Columbia Football Team’s Poor Performance Causes Roar-ee To Retire Early to Palm Beach

By Syd Finver

lost their pride (get it??)

As a result of the Columbia Lions’ recent epic losses, Roar–ee stated in a recent interview with The Federalist that, after some self-reflection, he has decided it will be best for his mental health not to return next semester.

“The guys always manage to fight till the end, and I commend them for that, but ever since the homecoming game, I keep getting cyberbullied from Dartmouth’s Keggy the Keg, and I’ve had enough–I’m going to Florida. Plus, since Hurricane Milton, housing prices have never been lower.” With this move, Roar-

ee will join the growing trend of elderly New Yorkers migrating to the Sunshine State, and is reportedly already eyeing a condo in Palm Beach. Roar-ee plans to spend his retirement golfing at Mar-a-Lago and lounging on his new 40-foot yacht, though he may still Zoom into Columbia games to lead the occasional cheer from a poolside cabana. But this begs the question: who will be Columbia University’s new full-time mascot? Jerry the Subway Rat? Leopold the Cockroach? Maybe there’s a new, younger lion eager to follow in Roar–ee’s footsteps.

Syd Finver/Staff Artist

Modern Day Eugene Debs: Your Roommate Running for Fall 2024 Student Council and Also on Academic Probation

By Fenway Donegan

will ALSO be convicted for sedition

As of 1:47 AM, The Federalist can officially confirm that your roommate has officially thrown his hat into the ring and is currently running for Columbia College 2026 Class Representative. In a stunning reversal, your roommate has decided now is the best time to begin his political aspirations, despite having a Dean’s Discipline hearing scheduled for the end of the week. After complaining about how the administration “couldn’t prove that he used ChatGPT” on his midterm, and then complaining about the cost of ChatGPT 4.0, your roommate turned his attention to the upcoming school-wide elections. While initial reports were inconclusive, as your roommate was still just coming down from taking half of a 10mg edible, The Federalist can now confirm through two independent sources (your roomate’s situationship and a poster outside of JJ’s) that he is now an officially-registered candidate.

Laying out a series of vague and contradictory policy proposals in a shared Google Doc, your roommate boldly claimed he had “like, a 95% chance of winning.” After exploring his campaign literature, investigative journalists at The Fed, confirm that he has styled himself as a change candidate, despite having a building on campus named after his grandfather. After working on his poster in Canva, rather than preparing for a presentation that will count for a fourth of his class grade, your roommate said he was feeling more confident than ever. At press time, your roommate had already racked up two severe and one minor violation in the first 48 hours of his campaign.

Julia Ryan/Staff Artist 18

what a f*cking try hard

Volume XLII Issue 3

get a pizza this...

Koronet’s Komforter: My Dorm Hasn’t Turned the Heat On So I’m Using a Jumbo Cheese Slice to Stay Warm

By Ava Lyon-Sereno

not to brag or anything

Come one! Come all! Hear ye this tale of woe, and depart with a new hack for this dreadful winter season. A fortnight ago, ‘twas shiveringly cold in my dormitory. I tossed and turned, but could not find reprieve from the dreadful chill. I cursed the horrid administration, “A pox upon thee Katrina!” but ‘twas no use. Just then, at the pinnacle of my dire frost, a pinging sound from my cellular device: my DoorDasher had arrived! I scurried downstairs, retrieved my pizza, and returned to the ice-

December 2024

box I call home. As I unfolded the large cardboard box, an idea struck me like a clap of thunder.

What if I was to use the jumbo cheese slice as a blanket? It was certainly large enough, and the warmth emitting from Koronet’s finest was simply too enticing to resist. I curled up underneath it and sighed in relief, my slice surrounding me and my chill cured. To any students troubled by the winter cold, I beg of thee to attempt this before hope is lost and you freeze over!!

Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Staff Artist

comes with a public health violation!

19

just blame it on mercury entering retrograde fr

What to do the Night Before Your First Final but Your Zodiac Says “You Can’t Force Yourself to Create When You’re Burnt Out”

By Valerie Yum

the stars are right

Get in the longest line on campus and redeem your swipes at JJs. Allow yourself to mentally spiral down that staircase, then open up the Google Docs app on your phone and write no more than two incoherent sentences.

Sit on Low Steps. Inhale the fumes of seven different Hooda Halal orders and other funky substances wafting in the air that are guaranteed to get your creative juices flowing. Continue to “lock in” even if it starts to rain, and watch as your keyboard gets slowly damaged.

Take that everything shower that you’ve been telling people you would take for weeks. May as well do your laundry while you’re at it.

Separate your blacks, colors, and whites, and do those separate loads on

different floors of your freshman dorm.

Text your friends and cancel dinner plans because you didn’t lock in enough today. You were in Butler for ten hours but spent most of your time doing Buzzfeed quizzes. At this point in the semester, check if your “Am I Gay?” quiz results have changed. For every quiz you take, switch back to your essay writing tab, only to not type anything.

Place your Amazon Christmas gift delivery on December 20th and make sure it is delivered to your dorm instead of home.

Finally, reach out to your therapist because that “Am I Gay?” quiz sent you into a spiral and now you DEFINITELY can’t focus.

Science says cramming doesn’t work, so shut that laptop and head to bed. Sleep a restful eight hours and you’ll be all ready to wing your final!

Little France Now Requires Valid Passport to Enter

By Julia Ryan about damn time!

In a recent announcement via their diplomatic envoy, “Little France” (the tiny run-off nation located in the narrow corridor between the Lawns and Butler Library) has begun strict enforcement of their border. Border patrol now requires valid CUID and a Little France passport to enter, promising to turn away or even detain those who do not comply.

When Fed reporters attempted to talk to those allowed in, they were met with a few obstacles. The first being a language barrier: inability to speak “Little French.” Moreover, our reporters were unable to peer through the thick veil of cigarette smoke far enough to discern any residents. C’est la vie, I guess… or however they would say that in their little corridor.

Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist

Opinion: Freshmen Don’t Get Humiliated By Slipping on Ice, Falling on Their Ass on Low Steps Like They Used To

By Sylvi Stein

cmon alma humble those first years

Call me a crotchety old geezer if you like, but this newest generation is too soft. Ever since this latest "climate change" fad hit the streets, freshmen aren't wiping out on the icy sheen coating Low Steps anymore. You never see a Class of 2028 student rushing to their 10:10 and doing a comical cartoony wipeout, complete with LitHum notes and Cafe East boba flying everywhere. Back in my day, it was a rite of 20

passage to skid down the stairs and slam face-first into Alma's frosty backside at least once a semester. How are alumni supposed to look back on their years here with pride if they know that the newest generation isn’t also suffering through the bruised tailbones and cracked ribs that colored their halcyon days of youth? The coddling of this generation is a damn shame.

can we just blame climate change for this one orrrr

Volume XLII Issue 3

gimme a taste...

Dear Jack Frost: Please Stop Nipping at My Nose, It’s Getting a Little Weird

By Oliver Green

just a LITTLE bite wouldn’t hurt...

After a long, warm autumn season, I was finally feeling ready for the winter cold to set in.

I had always enjoyed bundling up in a cozy winter coat, walking around and enjoying the NYC Christmas festivities, and then rushing inside from the chill to warm myself up with a nice cup of hot cocoa. Ah, what a life – or at least it was, until Jack Frost started nipping at my damn nose.

As the temperature dropped below 50 for the first time, I eagerly stepped outside, only for this bizarrely blue-clad, white-haired gremlin to lunge at my face and take a big ol’ chomp on my nose. I shouted in excruciating pain, and shoved him into the gutter. He lay there motionless for a bit, so I turned around and continued on my merry way, thinking that was the end of things. Boy was I wrong.

Now, ever since that fateful December day, every time I step outside I’m immediately met with a 3’10” ice goblin hurling himself at me. Sometimes I’m able to dodge him, as his momentum sends him flying into the wall behind me, but other times I’m not so lucky. Usually, I end up having to wrestle with him on the sidewalk for a bit until his teeth unlodge themselves from my now-mangled nasal cartilage.

It’s not a huge inconvenience to my day or anything. Our tussles usually only take 10-15 Stella Chiara Fusaro/Staff Artist minutes, and my clothes usually only get a bit ruined by the disgusting brown water in the street gutters. But I am starting to think – and, you know what, I’ll go out on a limb and just say it – Jack, frankly, it’s starting to get a little bit weird.

I really don’t want you to take too much offense from this, as I do appreciate your company – I really do! But the whole biting thing (especially when it makes me 30 minutes late to my final exam) is just getting to be, well, a little much. Maybe from now on we can just say hi, or shake hands? I hope you can understand, Jack.

Fed Reincorporates Into Pennsylvania, Aims to Commit Late-Term Voter Fraud

By Reza Shayesteh and Dani Winkler recast your vote on our insta poll!

Last week, The Fed announced that they would be re-registering as a corporation within the state of Pennsylvania, effectively giving their 40+ members the right to register and vote (albeit belatedly) in the swing state. This switch is occurring shortly after news broke that the entire staff of The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl, the University of Pennsylvania’s satire Julia Ryan/Staff Artist magazine, mysteriously fell ill with Listeria, rendering them incapacitated and the Ivy League paper-less. When reached for comment, the Editorial Board expressed a desire to take over the office of The Punch Bowl while remaining active in New York City. “Who in their right mind would ever want to live in Pennsylvania?” one staffer asked.

When asked what a new address would mean for The Fed, a staffer identified this move as a response to the newly-formed young Republican voting bloc in the swing state: “Simply put, it’s time for us to start actually stealing the election.”

The Fed is one of many Columbia clubs seeking to re-register their permanent addresses in swing states. The BDSM Club has recently re-registered in Madison, Wisconsin, and multiple acapella groups have re-registered in Lansing, Michigan. Representatives from each club refused to respond to comment regarding their planned whereabouts on January 6th, 2025.

December 2024

how i wish PA was enough to win...

21

entering our handmaid’s tale era fr

Help! My GS Classmate is So Old They Remember the Cambrian Era

By Connor Lee

it’ll happen to you

As the only undergraduate freshman in my Chinese class, it’s not unusual to feel young. But lately I’ve been feeling younger than usual. Everyone has that one GS classmate who looks a little out of place: tattoos, slightly balding, older than the professor. Everyone knows one of those, but my classmate is a bit stranger. See, he grew up in the Cambrian Era. At first, I didn’t think anything was unusual. That was, until we were learning to describe where we’re from. Whenever it was my classmate Joey’s turn , he would say 我是Pangea-國人, which roughly translates to “I am from Pangea.” Professor Hu would remind him for the third time that by the end of the Triassic period, Pangea broke apart, resulting in seven different continents, blah blah blah. Silly Joey, stop living in the past!

Joey has been a little bit slow adjusting to modern society. He couldn’t understand the concept of international students because “in the good old days everyone was from the same place.” And the one time I grabbed lunch with Joey, he was such a picky eater. We went to a seafood restaurant, and when the shrimp came out, he was shocked. “Where are the trilobites?” he asked.

Joey, trilobites have been off the menu for the past 251.9 million years. I would say he’s a little outdated, but he’s older than the human concept of time itself.

And worst of all, he’s still doing better in Chinese than I am–impressive for someone who grew up in an era without written language. Maybe I should cut Joey some slack.

Barnard to Drop New Merch Ahead of Inauguration

By Maddy Manning-Bi RUN dont walk

Barnard College of Columbia University announced that in honor of the upcoming inauguration of president-elect Donald Trump, the school would be releasing a new line of merchandise for immediate purchase.

Introducing: the Barnard Baddie Handmaid Collection. Want to ring in the new year and a new president in the right way? Get ahead of the game by purchasing your Official Barnard Baddie Handmaid Outfit™. Featuring exquisitely-made red dresses and white bonnets, you can now rep Maddy Manning-Bi/Staff Artist your school with pride while attending the inauguration. Word on the street is Barron Trump loves this new style so maybe he’ll even notice you (heyyyy king ;p)! Get ready to pair your Barnard tote bag with the hottest new fit! Coming to a store near you January 20th, 2025.

22

Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist

Armstrong Look-Alike Competition Winner Decided

By Zoe Silverman and you just might know him!

In response to the recent Timothée Chalamet lookalike contest in New York in October, a Harry Styles lookalike contest emerged in London, a Paul Mescal look-alike contest in Dublin, and a Jeremy Allen White look-alike competition in Chicago. Columbia University was feeling a little left out, so they decided to organize a contest of their own.

An Armstrong look-alike competition was held on Sunday, November 10 at the Sundial.

The Fed covered the event and even nominated publisher Fenway Donegan as a contestant (his luscious curls and tendency to wear power suits make him an excellent candidate). There was a great deal of cheer and excitement in the air as the contestants lined up on stage. Roar-ee left in a fit of rage two minutes in, pushing the announcer off the Sundial, after receiving the fewest votes. Kelvin Weakarms, a sophomore at Columbia, just barely beat out runner-up Chef Mike for the title.

The Fed interviewed Weakarms after the winner was announced. Kelvin said, “It’s perfect because I’m transferring schools next year so my role at this school is temporary as well.” However, Kelvin’s initial excitement faltered when the prize was revealed to be a lengthy letter from Armstrong stating that although the competition was exciting, the gates would remain closed.

and so the pendulum swings (other end is barnard thong, obvs)

Volume XLII Issue 3

good luck bestie

How to Survive Your First Time at a Midwestern Thanksgiving (as a Coastal Elite)

By Gabrielle Linder

just that midwestern charm <3

Cuffing season worked, and now you have a girlfriend for the holidays. It would be wonderful, the only problem is she wants you to meet her family… at Thanksgiving… in the Midwest. I mean, you love her (you didn’t even let the situationship last longer than two months), you just don’t know if you love her enough to go to North Dakota.

You’re not trying to be elitist (I mean, you never even bring up your elite university, you just say you go to college in New York), you just don’t know if it’s really your scene. Your mullet won’t even read as ironic there. People won’t think of Lana Del Rey and Ethel Cain when you smoke Marlboro Reds. Embrace it. You’re just as much of a walking red flag there.

1. Look the part: bring your camo. I know you have some, just don’t bring the Harris-Walz hat. Wear your boots and beatup Carhartt Levi’s—fingers crossed they won’t be able to tell you paid $80 to buy them “pre-distressed.”

2. Adopt the attitude. Make sure you say hello and goodbye to everyone, and remember the names of all their grandkids. You can even throw in an “Ope, let me just scootch right by ya” in the kitchen for good measure. You should also never show up empty-handed, but it’s best not to show up with any casserole or potato salad until you’re more experienced with Midwestern cuisine. Honestly, just buy a pie, or flowers, or both. There’s no such thing as too much in the Midwest, except when it comes to spices.

3. Do not expect to be able to abide by any sort of dietary restrictions. There will be cheese and carbs and meat in every dish–especially in the vegetables. Most, if not all, of the salads will have some form of gelatin or cream involved. There will be too much food to eat, and they will take offense if you turn it down.

They’d never say that to your face, though—they’re Midwestern.

4. Make sure you offer to clean up after dinner. If you’re a woman, it’ll be expected. If you’re a man, they’ll be shocked at your decency. (Pro tip: this is also a great way to hide if you know nothing about football!) If you’re nonbinary, you’ll probably be misgendered or asked at least one inappropriate question at some point in the evening, but they’ll appreciate the help in the kitchen nonetheless.

There will come a time in the evening when you’ll have to retire, either when you leave in anger after that one uncle said something everyone’s been dreading all night or after the inevitable exhaustion of hours of socializing solely through passive-aggressive positivity. Once you leave, the aunts will gather over wine to gossip about you behind your back. They’ll never say anything negative per se, but let’s hope you pass the test!

December 2024

Lerner Ramps Transformed Into Giant Winter Wonderland Toboggan Slide

By Olivia Ruble

beautiful display of campus whimsy

Every student to pass through these hallowed halls must come to the same realization: not that they’ve made the wrong choice to come to Columbia, nor that majoring in PoliSci is for losers, but that the Lerner Ramps are fucking stupid. But I bet you’ve never thought about how the Lerner Ramps are actually perfect for living out your wintery dreams of sledding down a snowy hill with all of your closest friends, have you? President Armstrong announced in a press conference on Wednesday that the Lerner Ramps will be transformed into “a giant winter wonderland toboggan slide” in order “to strengthen our community” and “to make up for the fact that climate change promises New York City will never get snow again.” Armstrong went on to describe the winter blues faced by Columbia students amidst finals season, adding that this will hopefully bring “some much needed cheer to these depressed nerds—seriously guys, perk up!” She then clarified that GS and Barnard students are strictly prohibited as they may “sour the jolly festivities.”

Meanwhile, Dean Josef Sorett was spotted zooming down the ramp himself, arms high in the air, gleefully shouting “Weeee!!” as he whizzed past students clutching Buffalo Chicken Wraps and boba teas, leaving onlookers wondering if maybe, just maybe, Columbia is finally getting the hang of fun.

Ashley Rapp/Head Submissions Editor

no snow needed once it starts raining consistently...

23

join

SUNDAYS 8:30pm Lerner 569!

Ashley Rapp/Head Submissions Editor (Accompaning Graphic for “Grandma Got Run Over

By Chef Mike” pg. 14)

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